To My Fren
hello!
Guess what? Im writing using my brand new LCD monitor..wahey! Isn't that great? The world of blogging has never been clear before..heh..Okay, die die Im still a desktop fan than a laptop fan and I don't have heart to actually let go of this old computer. Let's just say it's difficult to forget your first love. YES I KNOW this thing is technically not alive like some gawd damn handsome dude for me to have as keepsake. But then you see, that old computer monitor saw me through my ups and downs and fyi, despite being four yours old, it is only mid of last year that it is showing tantrums. If you wanna know, only singles like me would actually talk about her I.T. stuffs like how a girl would lap on praises on her boyfriend. Oh and fyi too..Im not currently looking for anyone in case you're wondering how despo I am.
But ah, I know Im breaking my own code when I say this. I actually have an itsy bitsy crushee on erm..a freakin tall guy. Haiz, love is blind, isn't it? And talking about that, David Caruso isn't exactly short either. He's 6 foot tall for goodness sake! What is wrong with me?! What happened to 'Rahayu only likes short guys' thingey?! Im positive that the weird dreams that I have been having quite a lot recently including one of my fren's own boyfriend who has the 'hots' for me...they're screwing my mental abilities. It is a wonder I can still type and complain. But you know what? Is it God's way of saying to me that maybe I shouldn't be so hard on myself and that uhm.....dating...*barf*...may not be *barf*...so bad...*barf*..after all.
Haiz, I don't know....I don't think Im ready for such things and I know I probably hit the jealousy button in my friend again as what she wrote in her entry (more about that later) but frankly speaking, I have yet to find a guy who has made me oh-so-dreamy that I risk my life everyday just trying to not break a bone when walking in a dazed manner. It wasn't like how I used to be back in secondary school or pre school and two years ago, and last year, the guy at the Singpost. Now that is swoon-worthy. All I had was these nonsensical dudes who probably do a score sheet on how many girls they disturb in a day. Just yesterday, when I was busy lugging my LCD monitor box around with a paper bag stuffed with my small bag and the cleaning tool kit which I got in a lucky draw (I swear it was a gimmick..there may not be any stupid handphones in there!), kinda got the attention of these two guys. Im like..come on..there's gotta be a girl somewhere which they accompanied coz what they did was just hanging around there trailing somebody whom I didn't notice.
I mean Im used to doing my own rounds myself like how I made the trip at Expo and then on to John Little sale for a peak which was totally bombarded by people stashing out pamphlets. I tried to be nice and maybe take them if they passed by I guess they probably figured I was not interested coz I had the earphones on and I was looking around frantically for the booth which had the monitor. I tell ya, if you look at the floor map and you look at the real layout, they're two freakin different things. YOU will get lost for sure...you're lucky if you can spot the exit. After obtaining the monitor, I dropped by the John Little sale a few doors down...and kinda spotted a top which I fancied. After a short trip round the clothes area, I saw these two goons..I mean guys..who were uhm...rather well dressed in their own rights in not some fancy schmancy sort...but you know, like they were going town or what.
I saw that they were waiting for for a friend or one of the pal's girlfriend or what..I don't give a damn. Then they twirled around and they kinda saw me I suppose just as I was about to start heaving that monitor box along with my purchases and walk away when one of them smiled and said 'Assalamualaikum' which is a greeting to a fellow Muslim. Gee, trying to put me in a bad spot eh coz if I dont say it I would be 'sinned'? Please....but I answered in my heart. Then, I know my friend probably thinking...tsk..I should be basking in their attention instead of running away like some scaredy cat but I tell you, I am one. I have to learn to look out for myself especially when Im alone and I don't want to be tagged along or what. I mean, of course I wouldn't turn down such a gesture from our fellow opposite member like duh..gal, you're single. You SHOULD learn to socialise but ah, I'd rather if a guy is rather decent looking and we've made a few eye contacts and after a long while...not a sporadic moment kind of thing....kinda thought that maybe we should get to know each other. Or at least I have a friend around with me to ease the tension in case I get whacko where I'll run away like mad.
Anyway, I just did my rounds and pffftt....I swear this is strictly a household shopping experience kind of thing coz the clothes were so bleurgh. I got two tops though....and they're below ten dollars.
Oh talking about my friend's blog, she mentioned about how she wished she was in my position where I don't even have to do anything and I would gather the attention of some guys. Frankly speaking, I don't. At least not the ones that I don't mind getting the numbers and then probably yak the night away..hehe..But, the ones that give you 'the look' like maybe these 'creepy' look that maybe she doesn't want to get too. The fact that the number of guy friends I have is less than ten..okay, make it five..haiz.. speaks volume that Im nowhere near the 'im gorgeous' line. And I don't know where she gets the idea from where guys tend to look at me without even trying. Because the thing is, I can be rather paranoid and most of the time I don't even look at people as Im often looking down. So I think just out of curiousity people have the tendency to stare at me because they thought I wasn't looking and Im not just saying guys do that but all sorts of people do that too. However, they don't realise I DO know they're doing that and it sickens me coz I can't get a piece of my time enjoying my own solitary moment. I think that's where my paranoia comes in?
But still, I know where she's coming from, believe me because I was and sometimes still am, in the same position as hers where maybe her ears are bleeding from my constant whining that I put on weight. Look girl, Im sorry if I been rather too much in that aspect by over-reacting a bit. I know that it's just a freakin' 3kg like what you said and as much as I DO want to think in the same line, I can't afford to be too complacent. I think I told you already during our msn chat that the only reason why I got so worked up because I didn't want to go back to my past where I was almost reaching a 100kg. It sounded incredible enough to be at that weight especially when I was still in my early twenties. It was hard enough for me to cope for almost 24 years before I summed up the courage to do what I was supposed to do: increase my low self esteem. It was hard enough for me to work and be merry among my close colleagues especially those around my age who had the priviledge to play dress up and during our free time at work, they would go round shopping centres before returning to work. This was done almost daily but you know what? As upset as I was for not being able to try on clothes like them, it didn't get to me yet.
So the only thing that made me change was because of one thing: I didn't want to add another digit to my weight as it just didn't make sense to me to be over a 100kg. So when I slowly gained back 3kg because of a few feasts I had with various people and how in the fasting month, I totally skipped out on gym, it got to me because after more than one year and a half of working out, that was the most number of kilos I put on. And she did say that I only had 3kg more to go before I reach my supposed 'ideal' weight but my dear, it is not 3kg, it is 10kg before Im out of the danger zone. That 3 kg simply means now I have 13kg instead of the original 10kg to lose.
But maybe in one aspect that she is right and Im not denying it coz like what I said: I over-reacted like what is wrong with me? This isn't like the first time where I 'rolled' back on the kilos but maybe at most 1 to 2kg which I managed to lose and even more. So, I guess I panicked big time this round which isn't like me...And girl, I did tell you it was a long time later only that I start to shed kilos so it's not that I start now and a month or two later like the slim ads showed, achieve my ideal weight. We're talking about good ol' fashion weight loss here and I think that maybe if you lower down your expectations a bit and make it more manageable, perhaps you don't get too stressed out. Remember you did actually lose weight? So keep at it girl no matter how small and if you want my advice on certain thing, you're welcome k? Just don't give up and don't get stressed out.
Oh, about my blog, I don't know where my blog is heading right now. For all I know, I don't write for an audience. She and I write pretty much the same thing about trying to cope with life and especially on things that get us down. We even gripe about things to each other through sms-es coz our friends kinda turn their back on us as they'r so caught up with their significant other. You're like the Mariah wannabe and Im Beyonce's alter ego (and not wannabe..we're the same person).
I think she's sighing that Im nowhere near being a prolific writer and yet I got a few people saying that my bloggie is interesting. Seriously, Ive always had a bit of space in the blogosphere. And also I commented that I wrote for more than 5 years and it's only now, someone said it is interesting. Throughout the years, many times I used to give up because my visitor count was always super low and they were sometimes high because I used to read and re edit it which brought up the count.
Gal, I read your blog everyday because I just want to know what's going on in your life and it has been an interesting read. If nobody says your blog is interesting, then may I be the first one to say that your blog is an honest one where it reveals another side of you that maybe none of our peers know of and that I can relate to at times. I do appreciate the advice you give to me also about how to go about handling my mum's tight leash on me. I know I don't give the best advice to people but at the very least, if you need someone to pour your heart out, I can listen to you.
I just hope you see where im heading towards my blog which i also use to keep track on my fitness regime. And like what I said, even though it is a public blog, I dont write for an audience where I try my mighty best to entertain them. No matter what, there is no severed ties between us and like what you said, it's just 5 minute of anger. At least one thing I know, I learnt my lesson where I have to be more sensitive towards your feelings and not say the wrong things that may rub you the wrong way. Im sorry....
P/S:
hrm, I don't take to heart what you say lah..no worries. In a way, it is good that you not only harbour anger towards me..hehe..but you are also taking action to a healthier lifestyle. Im all the way behind you gal.
Guess what? Im writing using my brand new LCD monitor..wahey! Isn't that great? The world of blogging has never been clear before..heh..Okay, die die Im still a desktop fan than a laptop fan and I don't have heart to actually let go of this old computer. Let's just say it's difficult to forget your first love. YES I KNOW this thing is technically not alive like some gawd damn handsome dude for me to have as keepsake. But then you see, that old computer monitor saw me through my ups and downs and fyi, despite being four yours old, it is only mid of last year that it is showing tantrums. If you wanna know, only singles like me would actually talk about her I.T. stuffs like how a girl would lap on praises on her boyfriend. Oh and fyi too..Im not currently looking for anyone in case you're wondering how despo I am.
But ah, I know Im breaking my own code when I say this. I actually have an itsy bitsy crushee on erm..a freakin tall guy. Haiz, love is blind, isn't it? And talking about that, David Caruso isn't exactly short either. He's 6 foot tall for goodness sake! What is wrong with me?! What happened to 'Rahayu only likes short guys' thingey?! Im positive that the weird dreams that I have been having quite a lot recently including one of my fren's own boyfriend who has the 'hots' for me...they're screwing my mental abilities. It is a wonder I can still type and complain. But you know what? Is it God's way of saying to me that maybe I shouldn't be so hard on myself and that uhm.....dating...*barf*...may not be *barf*...so bad...*barf*..after all.
Haiz, I don't know....I don't think Im ready for such things and I know I probably hit the jealousy button in my friend again as what she wrote in her entry (more about that later) but frankly speaking, I have yet to find a guy who has made me oh-so-dreamy that I risk my life everyday just trying to not break a bone when walking in a dazed manner. It wasn't like how I used to be back in secondary school or pre school and two years ago, and last year, the guy at the Singpost. Now that is swoon-worthy. All I had was these nonsensical dudes who probably do a score sheet on how many girls they disturb in a day. Just yesterday, when I was busy lugging my LCD monitor box around with a paper bag stuffed with my small bag and the cleaning tool kit which I got in a lucky draw (I swear it was a gimmick..there may not be any stupid handphones in there!), kinda got the attention of these two guys. Im like..come on..there's gotta be a girl somewhere which they accompanied coz what they did was just hanging around there trailing somebody whom I didn't notice.
I mean Im used to doing my own rounds myself like how I made the trip at Expo and then on to John Little sale for a peak which was totally bombarded by people stashing out pamphlets. I tried to be nice and maybe take them if they passed by I guess they probably figured I was not interested coz I had the earphones on and I was looking around frantically for the booth which had the monitor. I tell ya, if you look at the floor map and you look at the real layout, they're two freakin different things. YOU will get lost for sure...you're lucky if you can spot the exit. After obtaining the monitor, I dropped by the John Little sale a few doors down...and kinda spotted a top which I fancied. After a short trip round the clothes area, I saw these two goons..I mean guys..who were uhm...rather well dressed in their own rights in not some fancy schmancy sort...but you know, like they were going town or what.
I saw that they were waiting for for a friend or one of the pal's girlfriend or what..I don't give a damn. Then they twirled around and they kinda saw me I suppose just as I was about to start heaving that monitor box along with my purchases and walk away when one of them smiled and said 'Assalamualaikum' which is a greeting to a fellow Muslim. Gee, trying to put me in a bad spot eh coz if I dont say it I would be 'sinned'? Please....but I answered in my heart. Then, I know my friend probably thinking...tsk..I should be basking in their attention instead of running away like some scaredy cat but I tell you, I am one. I have to learn to look out for myself especially when Im alone and I don't want to be tagged along or what. I mean, of course I wouldn't turn down such a gesture from our fellow opposite member like duh..gal, you're single. You SHOULD learn to socialise but ah, I'd rather if a guy is rather decent looking and we've made a few eye contacts and after a long while...not a sporadic moment kind of thing....kinda thought that maybe we should get to know each other. Or at least I have a friend around with me to ease the tension in case I get whacko where I'll run away like mad.
Anyway, I just did my rounds and pffftt....I swear this is strictly a household shopping experience kind of thing coz the clothes were so bleurgh. I got two tops though....and they're below ten dollars.
Oh talking about my friend's blog, she mentioned about how she wished she was in my position where I don't even have to do anything and I would gather the attention of some guys. Frankly speaking, I don't. At least not the ones that I don't mind getting the numbers and then probably yak the night away..hehe..But, the ones that give you 'the look' like maybe these 'creepy' look that maybe she doesn't want to get too. The fact that the number of guy friends I have is less than ten..okay, make it five..haiz.. speaks volume that Im nowhere near the 'im gorgeous' line. And I don't know where she gets the idea from where guys tend to look at me without even trying. Because the thing is, I can be rather paranoid and most of the time I don't even look at people as Im often looking down. So I think just out of curiousity people have the tendency to stare at me because they thought I wasn't looking and Im not just saying guys do that but all sorts of people do that too. However, they don't realise I DO know they're doing that and it sickens me coz I can't get a piece of my time enjoying my own solitary moment. I think that's where my paranoia comes in?
But still, I know where she's coming from, believe me because I was and sometimes still am, in the same position as hers where maybe her ears are bleeding from my constant whining that I put on weight. Look girl, Im sorry if I been rather too much in that aspect by over-reacting a bit. I know that it's just a freakin' 3kg like what you said and as much as I DO want to think in the same line, I can't afford to be too complacent. I think I told you already during our msn chat that the only reason why I got so worked up because I didn't want to go back to my past where I was almost reaching a 100kg. It sounded incredible enough to be at that weight especially when I was still in my early twenties. It was hard enough for me to cope for almost 24 years before I summed up the courage to do what I was supposed to do: increase my low self esteem. It was hard enough for me to work and be merry among my close colleagues especially those around my age who had the priviledge to play dress up and during our free time at work, they would go round shopping centres before returning to work. This was done almost daily but you know what? As upset as I was for not being able to try on clothes like them, it didn't get to me yet.
So the only thing that made me change was because of one thing: I didn't want to add another digit to my weight as it just didn't make sense to me to be over a 100kg. So when I slowly gained back 3kg because of a few feasts I had with various people and how in the fasting month, I totally skipped out on gym, it got to me because after more than one year and a half of working out, that was the most number of kilos I put on. And she did say that I only had 3kg more to go before I reach my supposed 'ideal' weight but my dear, it is not 3kg, it is 10kg before Im out of the danger zone. That 3 kg simply means now I have 13kg instead of the original 10kg to lose.
But maybe in one aspect that she is right and Im not denying it coz like what I said: I over-reacted like what is wrong with me? This isn't like the first time where I 'rolled' back on the kilos but maybe at most 1 to 2kg which I managed to lose and even more. So, I guess I panicked big time this round which isn't like me...And girl, I did tell you it was a long time later only that I start to shed kilos so it's not that I start now and a month or two later like the slim ads showed, achieve my ideal weight. We're talking about good ol' fashion weight loss here and I think that maybe if you lower down your expectations a bit and make it more manageable, perhaps you don't get too stressed out. Remember you did actually lose weight? So keep at it girl no matter how small and if you want my advice on certain thing, you're welcome k? Just don't give up and don't get stressed out.
Oh, about my blog, I don't know where my blog is heading right now. For all I know, I don't write for an audience. She and I write pretty much the same thing about trying to cope with life and especially on things that get us down. We even gripe about things to each other through sms-es coz our friends kinda turn their back on us as they'r so caught up with their significant other. You're like the Mariah wannabe and Im Beyonce's alter ego (and not wannabe..we're the same person).
I think she's sighing that Im nowhere near being a prolific writer and yet I got a few people saying that my bloggie is interesting. Seriously, Ive always had a bit of space in the blogosphere. And also I commented that I wrote for more than 5 years and it's only now, someone said it is interesting. Throughout the years, many times I used to give up because my visitor count was always super low and they were sometimes high because I used to read and re edit it which brought up the count.
Gal, I read your blog everyday because I just want to know what's going on in your life and it has been an interesting read. If nobody says your blog is interesting, then may I be the first one to say that your blog is an honest one where it reveals another side of you that maybe none of our peers know of and that I can relate to at times. I do appreciate the advice you give to me also about how to go about handling my mum's tight leash on me. I know I don't give the best advice to people but at the very least, if you need someone to pour your heart out, I can listen to you.
I just hope you see where im heading towards my blog which i also use to keep track on my fitness regime. And like what I said, even though it is a public blog, I dont write for an audience where I try my mighty best to entertain them. No matter what, there is no severed ties between us and like what you said, it's just 5 minute of anger. At least one thing I know, I learnt my lesson where I have to be more sensitive towards your feelings and not say the wrong things that may rub you the wrong way. Im sorry....
P/S:
hrm, I don't take to heart what you say lah..no worries. In a way, it is good that you not only harbour anger towards me..hehe..but you are also taking action to a healthier lifestyle. Im all the way behind you gal.
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