Saturday, December 30, 2006

The End


Im feeling a bit lost now. I dont know. Maybe because I have an unfinished business which is designing my new blog layout in my laptop which my brother is using so Im stuck at the computer call what I am doing now as surfing. Oh, and I read the news about Saddam Hussein who was executed on the eve of Hari Raya Haji. I don't want to comment much about this historical event but to me, no matter how powerful you are, now matter how many people you have killed, justice will find its way around even if it takes more than a decade. The fact that he was depicted as a killer without any mercy in his hands as justified in the killings back then in 1982, will remain as so even after his death. It will be remembered forever and when you die, it is not the end of the journey for you as you lead your life in an alternate world and it is there where you will be facing the most severe punishment of all..the punishment from God. In this world, we're just a human being and any religion is against merciless killings and what is worse people regard the followers of the Islam religion as potential killers just because of those extremists who carry out their own sadist version of our religious teachings. I guess some people have just lost their senses because they are so driven by their hardship or their hatred that they'll do anything to release their frustrations and anger with the thought that God is behind them. This is rubbish. He may place us in situations that are undesirable or emotionally wrecking for us but He has not taken away away our logical sense because it can be the only guide to bring us out of such situation or make the situation more bearable. Alas, who am I to say all this. Im not perfect either. But I still have my senses.


If you have an option to start anew or carry on to repair or salvage your marriage, what will you do? My workplace has a majority of female workers and especially my department because we have to deal with kids. The only men are the executives but don't even go near them. They're gays. Im not against gays but Im SO against them. Anyway, Im not gonna talk about them. Im sure you've heard so many times that marriage is not an easy thing. Most of my colleagues are either married or about to marry and there is also a very small minority who are newly divorced with the exception of one whose late husband passed away due to cancer. I...I don't know what to say when I heard through the grapevines that these women had just gone through divorce or are having marriage problems that there is a high possibility that they may soon file for divorce.

When you look at these women, they are not ugly and infact, one of them is quite a stunner with her high self esteem and her small lithe body as a result of frequent gym sessions but yet last year, she divorced. Apparently, there was a third party. Then, just two days ago, a colleague was lamenting about how she wished that if she had the option to start all over again and choose a new husband, she will definitely not choose him. The way she was dropping clues during the talk on the Five Languages of Love held by another colleague within our very small group, I did suspect that something was amiss. While one complained that all this lovey dovey stuffs only happened to her before marriage and very seldom during marriage, one was raving about her marriage to her husband of which throughout my working life with her and infact anybody's, they will be subjected to her praising sky high of her husband. Almost towards the end of the meeting, where we were just bumming around the conference room just talking about this marriage thing and how some people can be so insensitive, she showed a picture of her friend, best friend and her ex husband. She said that even though they are divorced, which apparently was due to her ex husband's mother, they are still pretty much in love. Then suddenly she said that next year, don't be surprised if she goes from married to newly single. Of course we were shocked and thought that she was joking but she was dead serious and shared stuffs that were more shocking.

I mean, what is a married couple when they don't communicate with each other verbally anymore for the past 6 months and only spoke through SMSes. When one of them mentioned about her to think about her two young children who are only in preschool, she said that she did consider about that but come to think of it, in time to come when her two daughters have grown up, they will be going off on their own taking care of their own families and she will be all alone. When she said like that, it reminded me of my ex colleague who chose to follow the path of her past love who persistently pursued her despite her getting hitched and having two very young children later on. In the first place, her heart was not quite with her husband even when she married him at that time when she was only nineteen because she was disappointed that the guy whom she liked did not have the courage to make his love declaration. Furthermore, this other guy was much older but then was more stable financially and career wise and even though he did not have the looks according to her, she felt that her future would be more secured. However, just few years down the road, she felt that she made a big mistake and even though he did support her quite a lot financially because he was so hardworking at earning money, she felt that it was not enough. Apparently, her husband (or ex husband..I don't know..) did not give her enough attention and enough love because he was always coming back home very late working his butt off. She started spending more time with this ex love of hers which grew stronger and stronger till she picked up the courage to leave her husband.

One thing, her husband thought that she was still immature and did not think much of the family that anything she said was deemed as childish. I think the bottomline is still communication. When you communicate with your partner, you have to be open minded and not quickly try to slam them down because you think they don't understand what you're going through or what you're saying. We all have our rough patches and whether is it marriage life or our own personal life, it is definitely not an easy journey. Someone said before that it is not the end of destination that counts but the journey towards that destination. For married couples, it could be their destination is to stay married to each other till the end..or basically try not to rip each other's hair off..I don't know. For a single man or woman, it is to find the perfect partner to spend their lifetime together but when they get married and begin their marriage life together, it is a totally different thing. You can be dating each other for 10 years but your marriage lifespan is only one year. You will never know.

Trust is another thing that you should not compromise because the lack of trust can be the downfall of any relationship. Whether our partner is up to no good or we merely suspect that he or she is having an affair, we need to trust our partner even though our heart can be in a mess especially when tell tale signs begin to appear. Eventually, the truth will be out and only then we can justify that the trust has been broken and it is up to the married couple to see if they can do something about it or bid each other goodbye. So the definite thing is not to break that trust because once broken, it is harder to repair or worse still, it is irreplaceable. Just like my colleague at the boardroom who trusted her husband so much but in the last four years, he has not been too kind with her in words and never shared a bedroom relationship with her anymore in these four years, that she doubt her husband is faithful to her. How long can a woman trust you when you have been pushing her away like she is some piece of furniture and you can't blame her if she has lost faith in you as a husband. Don't blame your woman if she suspects things are amiss even when you don't verbalise it but one thing, women can be very patient and can be stubborn to believe that the husband may be up to no good. It can take a woman years even to come to terms that there is no more love and no more trust from the partner especially when he can be very abusive or become such a control freak that the wife is not allowed to have her own life outside marriage because she belongs to him only.

For one thing, we're not stupid. Nowadays, we can go out to work and earn money for our family while taking care of the children's emotional needs and doing the housekeeping. Sometimes it can even drive some women to the brink of insanity because they don't know what our husband is doing out there whenever he starts coming back home very late or disappear for a few days and coming back with dirty laundry for the wife to do the washing up. The hardest thing to accept is when these women's needs are put aside because some men think that we don't know anything about life at work like we are born to be slaves in the kitchen and slaves to their sexual hunger. Who do you think we are? We're not living in the past okay and what is also bad is when the husband's mother take his side and refuse to see what the son has been up to even though she herself is a woman.

Marriage is not a smooth sailing journey but still I think trust and communication should not be broken and abandoned respectively because it can make or break a marriage. Divorce should be the very last resort and even religions don't encourage it but at times, we need to think what is the best for us and our partner that it could be the only solution. Still, there is no harm trying to salvage the marriage but then again, it takes two hands to clap so if one is unresponsive and adamant in wanting to lead a separate life, it is of no choice then we have to respect each other's decision no matter how devastating it can be. So for those people who are about to get married or are already married, remember that love is not dead after marriage. It just needs to be rekindled at times. But ultimately, just think what is best for yourself and no matter what, be strong and don't make decisions when your emotions are unstable. More importantly, just be prepared to hear the unkind words of the society who are especially unkind to women because somehow rather, we are always the one to blame. So be strong but do your best to save your marriage first and work things out slowly if it is on the rocks. All the best.

Friday, December 29, 2006

Bad Lunch

So I didn't see him come round the pantry. At least, give me some satisfaction..something to smile and think about leh...hrmph. Okay, so I SHOULD NOT have viewed lunch in that manner like 'woopee..the most exciting day at work right now is lunch..' because what did I get? A bad lunch! That's not quite appropriate. A horrible lunch! heh.. Okay, what could possibly go wrong? I took the wrong packet of food. Stupid cashier..only knows how to handle the money but don't have the decency to at least pass me my packet of food. There were two packets there and since she didn't hand me my food, I just took the one which I thought was the right one. Apparently, I was wrong. Man, and I was so happy over my choice of dishes because being in have to endure the food here which seriously lacks taste. They're also stingy with gravy and you have to ask for gravy unless you want your dishes to be super dry, Oh well. Anyway, what did I end up with? The new year's day special prepared by a chef. Yah, what is SO bad about that right? Well, for one thing..I don't really like fish and especially grilled fish. So, instead of just tossing the whole thing into the garbage bin, I had to relish in the buttered rice eaten with a scoop of mashed potato and fresh lettuce. I feel like a rabbit. At least it is healthier unlike the dishes which I had chosen earlier but never get to eat them. So is this God's way of punishing me for going off balance with my so-called 'healthy eating' advocator with those dishes? I don't, not my day I guess.

Hrm, talking about being healthy, I noticed that one of my colleagues is losing weight and yah, I don't view it as competition or what but I heard yesterday, that it is not a cheap thing. One thing, she has been on this diet product for quite long and it's something like milkpowder which she will add to her drinks in the morning. She said she lost 10kg and I think she is promoting this to another colleague of mine. Geez..quite expensive too because each month she has to spend 100 dollars on this product. I have heard of stories of people paying around that amount each month for their products. Well, if it is paying off, then it is good. But seriously I'd rather spend my money elsewhere..haha. I feel like telling them that a visit to the doctor is suffice and they can save money as they don't have to resort to such expensive products.

Oh, one thing about diet products, which I have mentioned before, is that you must know once you're off this product, you have to work a lot harder to maintain the weight you have lost. Much harder than when you do the longer way which is through a sensible diet and exercise plan. I said, so what if your weight loss doesn't seem as fast as these people? The thing is, you get to manage your weight better because you know your diet well enough like what works for you and what don't and the exercises you do help to tone you up a bit making your overall appearace look nicer and shapelier than when you depend on these products to just lose the weight. You may end up 'heavier' looking because your weight loss results in saggy skin and fleshy bits plus you will look a bit more tired. I was a bit shocked that she and I are of the same weight range now but uhm..the shock is not out of jealousy. It's just that it is not that noticeable as she has only depended on her diet product to do the tricks even though she did brag she went from XXL to L. Pfft...XXL didn't use to fit me at all and she was complaining like it was the biggest size in the world. I just kept quiet and just 'Wah!' over her achievement during our time in the pantry yesterday coz I find it fascinating to know about the different ways people use to lose weight that costs so much $$ and also be fascinated about their bragging sessions. I know Im such an idiot.

Oh yah. I want to beg of you that if you find your internet connection still not working as well as the yesteryear, please have patience. People are putting their lives on the rocks so that we are able to surf but they have to risk their lives diving down under to repair the underwater cables due to the earthquake tremors. Okay, in the first place, I would have to agree with the commentary of an IT geek that while we are moving so much ahead with technology, the abundance of web traffic depend on these underwater cables that were built in the 90's, mind you. So yup, technically, we have not progressed that much. So much for technology.

Moving On


an early new year's day greeting to you. that didn't quite sound rite...i'll do it again come the actual day. im dead bored. it's not that i ain't doing anything right now at work but im still dead bored. I just finished doing the minutes or the report writing for yesterday's meeting...probably in the fastest time ever in the history of my department. I appreciate work given to me as wrong as that sounds because it is better than doing nothing but I don't like to drag work here except sometimes, I have no choice. But that minutes is a killer so that one..gotta go! So, they had to ask me to write minutes with a heck lot of updates and details and I was writing furiously as they spoke because I did not want to miss out on the important things and be blamed for not listening intently enough. Whatever. It's out of my system now and I think I might have just increased my lens degrees.

I walked the lane to the toilet twice on purpose to take a short break from the computer and have sightings with my current 'love of my life'..hee..but no such luck. Maybe he is not around. My good friends are on leave today and there's just a few of us in the office taking up whatever data entries duty there are at work. It does suck not having enough annual leaves like them to go on frequent 'MIA' moments every week at this time of the year. I need breaks and apparently, I don't get them enough..haiz. But I cannot complain. This is a decision that I have made in the earlier part of the year where I have to sacrifice these leaves for my father. I hope next year, there won't be so many of his appointments for his follow-ups. I think this can be done.

Apparently, the other time my friend of whom I thought would be the last person on earth to ask that question, asked if I was planning to settle down. At first, I thought it was just a harmless question because we just attended the wedding of my ex best friend from primary school with her long-time beau. I told her that maybe, not within the span of 10 years. Yes, it's bloody long but I have other commitments and I don't think Im ready to add one more just yet. But then again, I said that I can only plan but He determines. Then she said that I don't seem to be progressing which doesn't quite justify why i want to put this 'settle down' thingey for a long period. I told I am trying and I just recently submitted the application for a teaching position. So okay, lucky I submitted just a day before she said that to me or I have to listen to her nagging later..haha. I admit that progress has been slow and I do wish that Im not working here anymore and working somewhere else in a much better work environment. Even drinking here have to be done sneakily and the management here has no respect for the subordinates and only try to demotivate us and not motivate us. I do want to get out but I don't want to just get out without a clear path. I have a family to support so it is not just between me and my needs. I have to think about them too. With so many changes that I have to cope next year plus working in such a military styled environment can be a killer. But I try to hold my head up high and do it for the sake of my rice bowl. At least for now.

Oh well. Am looking forward to lunch now. Yippee.

Perfect Man

My last entry was about love and coincidentally, some things happened around me concerning love. Heh, for myself it's puppy love...and even though to me, he looked like an ex army guy with a tall lean physique of a runner and a tanned skin from long exposure to running in the sun, he has this charm that I reckon only I feel it. YAH....nobody feels the lurRrve around him. It's like my colleagues don't even notice his existence until I point it out like 'ok people! crush is here..' in Malay but I think the uhm..hush hush sudden quietness a few times in the pantry (apparently, i notice that he doesn't eat out) may have just caught his notice like 'eh?' because we were quite a chatty bunch prior to that...kekeke. I think it may be too obvious till I caught him looking at me in two instances like he suspected that I have this bit of interest in him and I don't know if he is returning the favour or what. Like just now, as I walking from the cafeteria to the lift lobby, he was standing outside the lecture room with a few of his colleagues and he saw me among my other colleagues. You know the other time when he saw me walking down the aisle as he was about to enter the glass door to his department, he gave me this look twice like he noticed my presence, well...he did it again just now and I think it might just be official that he suspected that I have an interest in him. I really don't know. Because after he looked at me and I looked at him in that few seconds of an instance and could not afford to self control a little smile before looking down awkwardly, I think he felt a bit awkward too that he started to focus back to his colleagues and making a small talk.

I did not want to make it look so obvious because like I have said before, Im not in a hurry to pursue a relationship and not about to give up my singlehood just yet for couplehood. But I don't rule out the possibility of wanting to be his friend or at least get to know him a bit (and him off to the rest of the world..starting with my colleagues and friends..hahahahahaha...). So far, I have been getting negative feedback which isn't that nice lah if you ask me but people are entitled to their own opinions. Anyway, I never had a crush on a guy with a typical look that makes most girls swoon so Im pretty happy with my choice yet again this time because right now, he has made Rahayu's heart flutter once again after a very long while. At the very least, it makes being in office a bit more bearable. Oh, and especially lunch time in the office during rainy days.

Since we're on the hot topic of a perfect man, a term coined by my long-time friend recently, let's just share some experiences here. For myself, I don't have this list of criterias that I will self tick in my head as we go down the long line of guys down the road. I mean, roughly I don't like the guy to smoke, lacks intelligence, has a playboy streak in him, has a big ego, has little respect for women and etc because the last thing I want is to be treated like dirt. But I don't go into such small details like a blueprint in case of a terrorist attack. I don't envision in my head an idea of a perfect man or a perfect guy because frankly speaking, there isn't one that will wholly fit that category. You just have to make exceptions here and there just like how we ourselves are not perfect. I mean first thing first, you can't just jump into a relationship until you are ready for it because there are many obstacles to go through and at times you may face cold wars, quarrel sessions, uhm...nagging session..bedroom sessions..okay kidding about the last one, so if our heart is not ready for such commitment, I think you can just join my club of admiring guys from afar first and approaching them with a whole lot of caution.

Most girls do envision the perfect guy in their head while others just go with the flow like me. But what if, that perfect guy turns out to be wrong in other places too? I know you'd go like 'huh? what's that?' Okay for one thing, it is evident that we do need to turn a blind eye towards some of his habits unless we really cannot take one more second of it. But there are some concerns that we need to tackle very very cautiously because they are very serious that if we keep pushing it back, it will never be settled and turn into this one giant ball that will roll back to us with a great impact that you can forget totally about love. For example, my good friend who has been this 'anti-guy' thing for the longest time ever but gets along with them very fine (and you think im the only confused person around), well..whatdya know....thinks that she has found the perfect guy. Even though she denies that it is love but just an interest so great that when he left Singapore for his homeland, she cried for three days (wow, and I was telling her that she won't even cry for me for like 5 seconds even!), I do understand her concern and her state of confusion. Well, like they said, two confused heads are better than one.

I mean if we're very open minded and don't care about most things, the concerns that she and I share are nothing to them. Im not saying that Im not open minded enough but I do know that some things are very real and sooner or later, you have to face up to them. Okay what the hell am I talking about. Things like age, race, religion...gender, if you're stuck in the Brokeback Mountains....that you can say are very sensitive issues. I mean..pfft...of course love will eventually overcome EVERYTHING...but come on, that only exists in the movies! Duh..Then, how about lifestyle? Im not a clubber but he lives and breathes on clubbing almost every weekend or he enjoys outdoor activities while I enjoy indoor activities like watching VCDs. For some girls, they don't mind a guy who is younger than them but the question is, how young are you willing to go? Then, can you easily let go of the fact that at his age, he may still be rather carefree and has some difficulties making decisions even if they are small? Even if he is matured in his thinking, can you live on the fact that the guy is younger than you? Again myself, the issue is often race because as far as I know, I never had any interest in a Malay guy because none has commanded my attention in a big way and it is not because I prefer other races better especially the Chinese population because you can't deny that hey..they are the largest lot in Singapore so they are practically everywhere. I can easily bypass that but I don't know if a Chinese guy, like me perfect crush..hehe..., is the type who doesn't care about the race of the girl. Then being born a Muslim, we have to marry someone of the same religion as us or if not, he has to convert and follow the way of a Muslim including fasting which is a big challenge for them and also start eating halal food which includes giving up a heck lot of good food. At least in their books.

The strength in one's love is also fed by the moral support of the partner so it doesn't just mean making sacrifices blindly and in the end, it backfires. Being in a relationship, whether married or unmarried, is not a walk in the park. It means crossing a busy road hand in hand because you'll never know when a car will be racing down the road or if we forget to look the other way for oncoming traffic. Therefore we need to be extra cautious and look out for each other before reaching safely to the other side of the road. I think it is important to be there for your partner especially if he or she is willing to change for you be it the religion or the lifestyle because making the decision is one thing but maintaining the decision made is another thing. The next thing you know, he or she will be back to square one and you will lose that one perfect guy or girl because apparently, someone doesn't take care of the relationship well enough.

So for my friend, I can only advise that you will get over it slowly and I don't think saying that you like him like how he likes you and makes an effort to mention that so many times ( I said to you...slow lah you! haha..) is a difficult thing because he has made it easier for you already. I understand your concerns especially the age, the religion, the home countries and many more but girl, a perfect guy doesn't have to fall neatly into the same category as ours. It's a matter of how you respond to each other. I know that we both are big dufuses or idiots when it comes to matters of the opposite sex. We're both almost in the same boat being singles for the longest time ever so we tend to be more on the overly cautious side. To me, there is nothing wrong with this picture so don't worry. But if you think that it is too complicated, then don't force yourself into telling him. If you can live with not telling him ever, so be it. I know that time will slowly heal all wounds but even it doesn't completely heal, at least the pain is a bit more bearable or it becomes a painless process already. I went through it a few times and I know it. Whatever it is girl, I am behind any decision you made so don't beat yourself up over him on whether you should confess or not. It just depends on whether you want to or you don't want to. That's all. So cheer up girl..hehe..and don't think so much! Think about me..hahahahah...

Tuesday, December 26, 2006

Love Actually


lifes dreary as usual at the office. but it's okay. I am actually almost done with my 'time management' presentation which I have kept to a minimum before I bore anyone, and erm..more importantly..myself..hehe. Yes, I do get bored by my own antics.

Anyway, yet another quick update since Im at work and Im only blogging using my email account because I like the smoothness of the keyboard besides making me look like Im busy. Im actually rather tired because I rewatched Love Actually. Hrm, why this sudden romantic mood despite my self declare that Im SO not a romantic girl. Honestly, Im not one who is so darn romantic but im not totaly 'off' the idea. It's just that I like romance in its most unusual ways. Okay, I don't mean some guy and a dirty old rug but romance between two people in the most unexpected situations.

But through the movie too, I learn that love doesn't necessarily equate to romance. It can also mean love between friends, love between a mother and child and in this hilarious movie, love between a comeback singer and his pudgy manager of which the latter was always there for him despite the singer's comical moments and er...his very outlandish attitude. In the end, he ditched Elton John afte winning the number one spot to spend Christmas with him drinking and watching porn for being there for him. Now of all the lurvin' in the movie, I cried over this and the other one where a newly married man's best friend had actually fallen in love with his bride and his video shots were beautiful, which by the way, only had shots of her enjoying her wedded bliss. With no spoken words but just cue cards with the audio cd playing in the background, I cried for his lost love which he felt was best kept in his heart in order not to cause any rifts between the newly wedded couple. And oh yah, in another scenario, a more than two years crush was finally answered at the art exhibition party which was totally unexpected too because they never shared conversations before except late nights in the office. Plus, he was such a darn mighty FINE hottie and to actually fall in love with an ordinary looking worker in the office who had the hots for him..dang! Gorgeous!

Unfortunately, as beautiful as love can be, it is not just one dimensional. You have to be prepared to get hurt and to sacrifice but fear not. It may be our ultimate dream to find that one true love who will be there for us in sickness and in health, and in whatever dodgy clothes we put on and going out together sans makeup (the horror!), but it is the journey that counts most. If we have to put our love life on hold as much as we hate to do that if the love is blossoming, for the sake of our family who needs us to be there for them in times of crucial needs, it is not a big loss. So if one day we have a silly grin on our face and our mind is constantly far away thinking if he or she has taken his breakfast or taken the much needed toilet break, be also prepared to put on a frown or cry buckets of tears.

I, for once, may let people to cry foul because now it may seem Im promoting love among all, but am a sceptic myself. I don't hate love nor do I anticipate love to come into my life at any point of time. It's just that Im not ready for the love of the romancing kind but Im always ready for love of any kind like the love to my friends, families, my favourite things, my favourite TV programmes and etc. No matter how sceptical I can be, my heart is still open and yes, I do enjoy moments when I envisioned the guy is secretly admiring me from behind (no, not my BEHIND..I meant, secretly). Or when I look away, the guy will try to take stolen glances like this longing to wanna get to know me and I'll be like the woman in the movie who jumped up and down secretly in some corner after that fleeting moment of attention..heh..

Sometimes, I don't know if it happens for sure or it's just a matter of glance but it does made my heart pondering on the 'did he? or did he not?' Just like this guy at my workplace, whom I found out from the intranet portal, is a runner and a member of the runner's club. Thus, the tall and dark physique. But recently, I don't know if his barber did this botched job of a haircut but his haircut is almost to the point of 'botakness' or 'baldness'. But rahayu doesnt care (aha! sign of true love there, or is it?). Maybe he caught the vibe that I have this slightest interest in him that once, as I was walking down the hallway to the toilet and he was keying his code to the door of his department, I looked at him and I think it might have showed on my facial expression..darn it. I think I saw him making some double-takes at me and keying his code rather slowly compared to some other times. As I was looking down to hide my embarassing look of 'I saw him!', I think he made another look maybe thinking that I would not notice.

Knowing my streak for having wild imaginations, this could be just one of those scenes in my head but in actual fact, him doing the double take was probably him thinking that he saw his colleague. Hey, you'll never know. Just like I'll never know if he does have the same admiration for me as I do to him. At the very least, he should thank me for making an exception to him because he obviously failed the very first physical criteria which is his tall height. Then, he should make an exception for me for being pudgy and a running hater..hehe..

Oh well, love is either blind or cupid is blind.

Monday, December 25, 2006

Rekindled Past


I just try to do a quick update because I don't think I want to spend too much time on it since last Saturday, I did a few entries. Hrm, I just wanted to touch upon how I seem to be visited by my past, which isn't totally a bad thing, unlike some guy with a hook a.k.a the 'I STILL know what you did last summer' freak. Btw, would you believe that there is a THIRD part to it which is 'I ALWAYS know what you did last summer'. Point being..who bloody well cares already?! Jennifer Love Hewitt moved on too. The thing is, sometimes...some parts of my past are better left alone in their pitholes wherever they are because I don't like to be disturbed no more. Don't get me wrong now. I still am in touch with people who have formed part of my past and also my present in case you're wondering if Im some snobbish ungrateful tart who throw away her old friends and make new ones ala Paris Hilton. It's just do I explain this nicely...I just don't want to revisit or rekindle some old friendships because at one point of time, yes they did leave me an impression. However, that impression is not deep enough that will last me till years later.

For example, someone who was once your friend then totally forget your existence and then suddenly, claim to wanna forge new friendship again. You're either excited or you go 'Oh no..', in which case, I am the latter. She has not quite made the move to meet or what but simply praised me up and down til i don't know what is her motive..whether she is trying to trace old schoolmates or she's just comparing her own mental note of how i looked then and how I looked like now. Whatever it is, the only thing that I thought was very sweet was how she didn't forget our coincidential meeting in 2004 at BK Tampines. I seriously didn't think she would remember because I practically almost ran away when she called my name and I turned but was rather shocked at her appearance. I mean people change for sure but hers was like...uhm...very the striking blue eyes and she was so slim unlike back then in secondary school when she was a little on the pudgy and nerdy side. Wow..and last year, I also remembered this nerdish looking girl from those days who turned into this da-bomb kind of girl walking alone in her office attire with a skirt rather tight and short albeit slowly in CHINATOWN..u know where the chee ko peks are. Okay, I was alone too but I was about to meet my friend and I wasnt sashaying like her.

Yes, so now you know Rahayu fears people especially those people who carry a bit of her past with them. And oh, the other thing which stinks is how people tend to compare you back then and now because it is one of the most natural things to do like how I just did for her even. Whatever it is, I could have just deleted her message on my friendster so I would avoid the risk of a planned meeting with her in the future. But what touched me was what I mentioned about her still remembering that fateful day in BK..yup 'fateful' coz I can be so dramatic...and how she never forgets the friendships which she had forged in the past. So you can say Im simply repaying her kindness and her sweet thoughts.

Talking about the past, going further back into the past is my former best friend whom I had not kept in touch for the longest time. Well, I did promise this is going to be a rather quick update so the quickest one I can pull on her is that she just got married to her long time beau last Saturday. Even though I have not met her for ages, Im still touched that she still remembers me and invited me to join in her history making day. Unfortunately, I was sick with gastric pains so the next best thing I can do is the reception tomorrow with yet another girl from my past till present, a fren from secondary school. See, Im not all that bad. Just uhm..fear of the unknown.

Saturday, December 23, 2006

A Story

I read last Tuesday's news on the Home section with a heavy heart. How ever sad the news was, it was indeed real that our teenagers need to truly see how loved they are by their parents. By making their parents repeatedly sad and worried over their well beings due to their havoc behaviour, it will only be of no use to the teenagers themselves if one day, a cruel twist of fate comes aknocking on their door. Of course, to these teenagers, their sort of behaviour is not seen as havoc because for all they know, who gives a damn about their lifestyle. But why carry on living that sort of lifestyle if it is going to hurt the very people who give them shelter, food, clothings and most importantly, love...and all these are of zero value because they don't expect us to pay them back every single cent. It is our obligation to give them money once we start working and not complain about it because we must remember that they have spent so much money on us because all this while they have never been so calculative about it so why must we start doing that to them.

This teenager's life story as written in the newspaper is not something new but a very common sad story over how teenagers start to value their friends over their parents. Being a teenager once, I know what these teenagers are going through because at this time, somehow parents do not understand the contents of our hearts as they only want the best for us. However, in our confused state of mind where the need for constant fun takes over our common sense, we only think that parents are just way too controlling. Look, I don't even have to be a teenager to know that because even as an adult right now, I thought my mum is way overboard with her nagging sessions with me especially when I have appointments with my friends. But if I look at it from a different perspective, it is not nice for me, being a lady, to come back home late at night especially at 12 or slightly over 12 am for almost all my appointments. It is not enough for me to just vacuum the house or buy her for groceries and food for the family because all these are not accountable for my safety when I reach home late at night. I felt bad that I actually spent the first thing in the morning when I woke up one fine Sunday blogging about her nagging the day before and how worried I was over her reactions when I had three up and coming appointments within the same week.

Well, guess what? I only managed to go for one as I had to cancel the next two appointments for I fell ill and had to nurse myself back to health by getting adequate rests from my gastric pains. I don't know if it was a way for God to keep me grounded because almost every week, I had been out and about with my friends and eating all sorts of food which did not do me any good in the end.

Whatever it is, at least I know my limits with my parents besides my limit with food as to what I can or cannot eat from now onwards. You can say that this is MY wake up call.

For the teenager in the news, I can only offer my deepest sympathy towards the parents whose happiness was shortlived when they found their missing runaway daughter at last and then the next thing they know, she will never be able to walk again. All because the daughter cannot accept that the boy she likes failed to impress their parents for they think that he is unsuitable for their young girl of only 15 years old. With her mind clouded by the influences of bad company and alcohol consumption, the worse took over her that she did not feel a tinge of remorse at all when her parents had spent their waking hours searching for her after her first runaway attempt. The trouble they took to find her and the help they had seeked to aid them to increase the chances of finding her. What did she do in return? She wanted to run away again the second time which failed because she fell and paralysed herself waist down after a failed attempt to jump off from the window four storeys high.

They love her too much which made them unable to convey the news that she may not be able to walk again at a very young age of 15. An age where she has yet to see much of the world to justify the strength of her parents' love to her and why at that age, they can be very protective of her too. For all the trouble she has caused them, they have not turned their back against her as they worry about how their daughter is going to cope with her paralysis and for myself, I am worried for her parents because it is not an easy job indeed. It is not going to be a smooth journey but I do hope that in this journey, if there is truly a great miracle that God will perform, it will be her ability to walk again. It is not because I worry for the girl's future but I only want her parents' load to be lightened.

It is a great life lesson indeed which her mother was willing to tell all teenagers that by simply running away from your family, especially if your family loves you with all their heart, it is not the way to solve problems. Talk it out with them if you can or to your teachers if you think they have trouble understanding your problems. Just don't run away from your house like that because you have no idea how wrecked their hearts are when they don't know how their beloved child is doing outside in a world which may not be too kind on you. A teenager's life is never easy and one can be easily influenced by negative thoughts and behaviours but due to our raging hormones, they are never negative. Just try your best to listen carefully to your heart if it is going to destroy your future because even it doesn't seek to destroy you completely just like a timebomb, it can slowly 'eat you up' just like a toxic waste inside you. Whatever you do, think twice or thrice and dont just think for yourself, think about the effects it can cause to those who love you.

Yaya and Me

Recently, me and family (but always minus the father) made a trip to causeway point to meet my aunt and her daughter. Had been a long while since I last met them. She, as usual, talking to my mum about her wanting to try out business adventures and then in between, she would indirectly tried to 'sound' her for money in Ks, mind you, as initial funding and please lah, we don't PRINT money. She knows about my hard budgeting skill and my recent bonus, but nope..I told my mum to never ever given in to her stupid demands because if she wants money so much, get a real job lah! And in turn, my mum advised me the same thing as well in case she tries to call me and sound me as well. Well, after so many times of advising my mum to not provide my aunt with any more fundings by giving in easily to her financially, she has finally woken up to reality. My mum always find herself being left with no phone calls whenever my aunt was a bit stable financially and then if she runs out of money after putting her dough into numerous investment plans, she always try to make my mum 'clue in' to her undesirable financial status. Nowadays, her phone calls are always about her interests in forming a partnership with her next door neighbour for some businees stuffs and the Ks always roll in. And her plan? Using her daughter as a plea to us. My mum is having a headache every time she calls because it is always about her sounding my mum indirectly. We need money for our survival needs too okay?

Haiz...enough about her...anyway, her daughter is adorable and her vocabs is amazing now ever since she went to school but stopped prematurely after my aunt's spat with the school. Tsk, forever lah she...

Presenting my cousin 'Yaya'..

By the way, I am suffering from an hormonal imbalance...thus, the pimples and the extra oiliness on my face which is undesirable. Oily Skin=Pimpled Skin. As easy as that..

Plus, my culminating weight gain has also been undesirable as 3kg leads to 5kg. But after recent efforts to contain my apetite and my uhm..reduced apetite due to my gastric, I managed to lose 1 kg so far despite my gorging moment at Seoul Garden. I STILL have not gone back to my original weight which is in a different weight range altogether but I have not lost my faith yet.

Oh, if you MUST know if I am truly suffering from bloatedness (how dare you don't believe me, you nimrods!), just look at my cheeks which have been doing me injustice by bloating up one time and then reducing back to shape another time. What the I a PUFFER FISH to you?! haiz...

This was me before I started having problems with my tummy and having my once in a month, hormonal imbalance

By the way, my colleague took a shot of me with her NEW PHONE. Tsk, save up for your marriage lah woman. Your previous phone still working what. Anyway, what I realised about these N series phones, their megapixels may be..ahem..higher..than yours truly punye phone but the image quality sucks a bit..haha. I mean, u can compare what with this one which she bluetoothed to me and the previous photos above taken with my NON 3G and NON N series phone..keke.

Yup, this was my so-called undesirable state. Sticky bloatey me..

This is me, prior to posting this entry up..the oiliness a bit gone and my bloated face is somewhat reduced a bit to a more defined original look due to me 'suffering' the past two days..sighz..and uhm, thanks to the gastric medicine. Big difference, right?

Okaylah, enough of blogging for now, gotta bathe!

Me Better Now


back to blogging again. okay, so i have been diagnosed by the suave doctor for having acute gastric pains that don't allow me to even sit down without feeling like falling back down on to my mattress. Hard. Even lying down on the bed didn't give me adequate rests after falling asleep a few times initially in the earlier part of the day after the visit to the doctor. It was pain, pain, pain all the way for me and when the tummyache was starting to subside by gradually concentrating on my lower abs, it was a tumultuous affair for me as well. I was wriggling in pain and every movement I made didn't give me a single sense of comfort at all until at one point, I realised that perhaps my shivering didn't make me fall asleep to so-called get rid of the pain temporarily. I knew that the quickest way for me to sleep was to wrap myself in my towel and that did the trick. I was fast asleep and awoken once coz my brother was making a bit of noise while talking to my mum. Anyway, want to thank him as well for keeping me company during my excruciating moments in my room while on my mattress. Okay, so it was not in his intentions to keep me company but just wanted to use the computer but good enough for me. At least, at times when I could talk and the pain was rather bearable, I talked and joked with him. Other times, I was a complete mess.

So I knew my previous entries I was blaming this food and that food for giving me this pain but food is meant to keep our hunger in check and for our survival. It is just us who need to pay careful attention as to what goes into our stomach before it starts to accumulate the acids and causing us the misery for the past few days. The pain basically come and go until ONE FINE DAY, on Wednesday night and then later in the morning it didn't go away, I knew it was high time for me to visit the good ol' doctor. I have this 'thing' about doctors that keep me away from them because of my previous bad exeperiences when I was a very sick young child. Going to the doctor at least twice a month was a norm for me which explained why I hate going to the doctor as I was growing up. Plus, the way things are run in my department that when you have a medical cert, you are accused of giving people the extra work to do to assign someone to find someone grudgingly to go do our duty. Call me stubborn or what but I don't like to be accused of causing people trouble even though it is not in my obligations to do that but based on circumstances, it is easy for people to fault me if I fall sick instead of taking pity on me. That was what happened to me too when I came back to work after a one day mc and instead of asking how I was feeling, I got a verbal warning instead that I should not have called so late at 8am instead of 7am.

Actually, I don't get it. We're not in the field right now in December and the whole purpose of calling before 7am is to give the leaders and the floaters ample of time to get the relevant information and to travel to the designated school on time to avoid any delays. But now we're in office for GAWD'S SAKE and they wanted us to act as if we're already out in the field. Please lah..people are not going to die if I call in at 8am because that is also our reporting time for work, and as far as I know, nobody will be assigned out too since there is really no outfield duty. And because of that ONE 'mistake' I did for calling at 8am, out came a newly revised set of house rules of taking medical leaves which also included calling back the leader before 11am to inform her of how many days we would be taking the medical leaves. This is irregardless of whether the doctor had seen us or not. This is just to make their life easier to plan the schedule for the next day in case we are on medical leave again. Abso-f**king-ly no patience, sey! If we go against this house rule, disciplinary action will be taken against the officer.



Anyway, I know I am not really close to my ex female supervisor but if you ask me, I am really sad for her sudden departure which she had people made believe that she had requested to be tranferred to another department. But upon closer investigation and information from a relevant source, it seemed that her transfer was made due to her contract not being extended. It was sad in a way that we all know how hard a worker she was, easily stressed out by her work and how hard she would come down on us even over a simplest mistake till her professionalism was thrown out of the window as she tried to discipline us through her own means. And then she received the news not even a year into her contract that she was simply not 'fierce enough'. I tell you that it is merely a plot to get rid of her so that the female dominatrix can rule our department with her two gay boys. GAWD..I am so gonna get bashed up for this...bwahahaha!

Wednesday, December 20, 2006


Bloated. I just discovered the ACTUAL cause of my stomachache + bloatedness. No, it's not the frapuccino that I was complaining about. It was the darn chili sauce that had way too much vinegar added into it. My mum just highlighted that to me because it was the very cause of my previous stomachache which did not linger on and on like this one but it had around the same nauseating impact on me which I had on Friday. I don't know which one was worse because they were both as bad but the second one has lingering effects till now as Im typing this out. OOooorrff....pain sia..Morning I would be okay and my tummy will look like usual but the minute I put food into it, that's it. The bloatedness will come in gradual forms till it's inflated and breathing/sucking in/sucking out is difficult. It feels like someone puts a rubber band round my waist and I can't do much about it because basically it stays in that shape or I'll risk breaking the rubber band but at the same time Im feeling as though Im squeezed through and through. Yes, Im that fragile right now.

I mean, bloatedness is one thing while stupidity is another. I knew I could not eat the chili sauce at this particular eating place which is another building opposite my working place. Sidetracking a little here, wooh..a lot of policemen there and plainclothes CID officers. Handsome bunch of people...haiz....seriously considering of working there with the condition I get to mingle with them..heh heh. If not, FORGET IT. By the way, why stupidity? Because I knew that chili sauce gave me hell the other time and I still ate it thinking that narh, that was quite some time ago. And one time at Starbucks, I had frapuccino and it gave me hell too and guess what? I still drank that bloody thing! And in typical malay slang..'Cari Pasal!' My mum was exasperated already because as usual, she would be the one hearing me moaning in pain and calling her name several times during the excruciating moments. She would taunt and me and say, 'eat some more lah, people tell you not to eat, you eat. This is what happen lah to people who don't listen.' Yes, mummy...sorry sorry....won't do it again..haiz..................

Anyway, I went Seoul Garden again today on the request of my friend. Even though I just started back this diet thingey, from the start, it didn't go very well but I think it's just the initial phase of adjusting because I have yet to go about my usual bantering of 'this is too fattening..this one too oily...' mindset but there are changes like I was getting into the groove of lessening the quantities and not eating unnecessarily. But I guessed I had to make the exception today in regards to my cutting down of food intake regime for my friend. Seriously, I put on weight and when it was just one or two kilos, I could tolerate but when I started to notice physical changes, that was when trouble started brewing for me as clothes don't fit me as well as before especially the middle region like the butt and the tummy. Usual place for females to put on weight. But it's okay...I's not okaylah to put on weight..but for now, Im going to keep off weighing machines for awhile in order to stop myself from getting any more depressed and start to look after my well being instead. Seriously, it is not about looking attractive or to hook myself up with a boyfriend-to-be but purely for health reasons. As far as Im concerned, I have not moved out of the unhealthy BMI or body mass index. Im two points away but it is taking me FOREVER to move up the two points. Anyhoo, whatever it is, I dont think it's too late for me to 'save' myself because it only gives me an excuse to consume much less than before the next few days in order to balance out the huge quantities of food I ate just now.

I want to thank my friend for the lovely gifts and they are great pressies, in case shes wondering if they are good enough for me. ANyway, I accept anything especially $$$ don't worry girl. ;P Oh, and even second hand goods. Seriously....

I am not able to blog that much today like my missing-in-action blogging yesterday too. Im not at a comfortable level with my tummy right now. Well, I shall update as and when for now.

Monday, December 18, 2006


Hello...this is me, wasting time. Well, im just chilling out a bit after our second trip at Vivocity and it is raining outside from just now. Looks like we have more water to drink from the reservoir later. Good, coz I can be so thirsty at times. My brother wanted to see the pool..i think, the one where you can the fountains flat down and kids can play in the water. He saw it in the tv and he wanted to see it but unfortunately, it was raining outside when we came and we could only view the beautiful exterior from behind the glass panels. After doing a fair bit of shopping the last week after getting my bonus, I had already made up my mind long time ago to not get any stuffs except from the Candy Empire coz I love the dark chocolate with macademia and the chocolate nougats. I knew that it would be more than the ten dollars I spent the other time during our 'experimental' stage. Now that we know how tasty the chocolates are, I wouldn't mind spending a little bit more than that because knowing me, these chocolates can last for days. I read my friend's blog about how she loved the turkish delight so i got her one to so-called cheer her up a bit because she didn't have a good start of the week. And you know the effects of chocolates on one's mood, right? In the words of the cartoon band Gorillaz..'Feel Good!!' heh..But later she dropped the bombshell saying that she did not quite like it. Oh dear, but she wouldn't mind it either or otherwise I would have to give it away coz I don't really like choco candies or chocos with a caramel or any other thing besides nuts inside it.

Anyway, whatever it is, I was in desperate need to eat something to keep me awake because my sugar-free sweets are finished and I left the back up at home. Sounds like an addiction but it's not lah but I do need that 'something' to either keep me awake wherever I am or to curb my hunger or thirst. Gawd I can hardly keep my eyes open and Im dozing off practically anywhere I was just now even at the pharmacy while waiting for my turn to collect the medicine. It did not stop even when I just boarded the feeder bus to get to the mrt station and in the train, same thing also. I just could not keep my eyes open..haiz.............

Anyway, once I popped two chocies inside my throat, and tasted heaven, suddenly I was awake already. But apparently, it has worn off already..haha..coz I need to turn in early today.

Shall blog a little more later lah. This is as much as I can write before I start to write nonsense when I cannot keep my eyes open. Catch u later.


Haha..I don't have to do data entries today and furthermore, Im on half day..wahoo!!! Tiring you know, keying all those freakin' data and even though I do enjoy utilising the office pc rather than helping out in other areas, at some point in time, my eyes can hardly open. Anyway, since there is no field duties to perform or satellite clinics duties to perform either, Im practically stuck here in office awaiting for instructions on what other duties we are required to help or I would just have to stick with data entries again. Right now, they didn't ask me to help them in anything so I plonked myself down infront of the pc and trying...yes...trying to do a draft article for presentation later on something related to work. At first, me and a colleague were discussing and we had some random thoughts such as proper usage of contact lens and even LASIK surgery which i s actually a ten minute painless laser surgery that lets you have perfect vision eliminating the use of spectacles. Cool huh? But that is where the cool factor ends. Being in this department, you somehow know a bit more than an average public including the things that are being promoted around or what you see or you hear that are not true and without any scientific evidence.

Since we are like the 'tak kuasa' or could not be bothered about finding an article that just HAD to be work related, we just anyhow chose the topics and then I thought they were pretty technical stuffs. I am SO not gonna answer any answers pertaining to these technical stuffs. And just as I thought it got a bit Im SO not gonna do some kind of demonstration on proper eye lens care because I'd rather be a speckkie...thank U very much. But out of sudden when I was conveniently reminded about it by a fellow colleague, I got a brainwave to do an article about 'work-life' balance. Sounded so 'chim' to me and funny I could come up with that phrase on a MOnday some more. I've been searching for related articles since Morning and the fact that the management and their assistants had gone up for a meeting, and most of my colleagues are either having a projects meeting or on mc/leave/urgent leave/MIA, the office is very the quiet except for the voices of the data entry clerks. So quiet I almost dozed off a few times Im tinkering on the common pc. By the way, noticed my usage of 'present tense'? Im blogging as Im observing.

Oh! THis I MUST say. You know how people always wait for (...uhm rahayu lost her trail of thoughts after messaging a fren..multi tasker lah!)..nevermind about that. Anyway, Im on half day and I have less than half an hour before I dash off for the door..Ok, suddenly I remembered what I wanted to say. (starting from the beginning about dejavu) You know how people always wait for the next year to put into action what they resolve to improve in their lives. Well, Im starting a tad bit earlier, specifically today for trial runs. Hopefully when the actual day comes, a.k.a 1st January 2007, it won't be such a mad shock. And if I don't start now, dunno how many MORE kilos I stand to gain and also how many times I need to rush for work. Im so nervous over this trial run but even though it is only the morning, Im coping pretty for example, I managed to be more 'relaxed' by waking up early and then reaching my workplace early too..yay! OH, and

Just have to make sure it is not a 'one-off' it only happens today..and not the rest of my freakin life.

Sunday, December 17, 2006

Mother's Love


oh dear, this week Im pretty jam packed with activities and most of the time, it is just doing a bit of catching up with my friends who suddenly become free around the same time..haha. Well, it's okay then. I just hope that my mum doesn't scream her head off at me but this coming Saturday, confirmed Im keeping it free. Like the malay saying goes 'jaga hati mak aku..' kekeke...that means, to please my mum.

In case you're wondering if rahayu has reached popularity status among her friends, hell no! Just that it is something that I feel that I must perform as my duty and being a friend is not easy. But alas, if ONLY my mum understands that. Gawd..I haven't started dating! If like this, tsk..I'd rather die a single if going out with a friend is considered a crime.

Anyway, I know I sound like I complain a lot and take things for granted if you count me lamenting about my mum's neverending nagging sessions are an 'earful' to bear. Look, I do love her and I know she nags because...*breathes*...she cares for me for at times, I do doubt if she ever loves me. I know that my parents are not the sort who says the word 'love' like it is part of their inner vocabulary. But my mum does it to my brother because he's such a *baby voice* lovey dovey huggable big pillow that you just feel like squeezing the breath out of him..heh. Yes, the irritance in him has not died yet but physically, he's freakingly adorable like a fat cat..bwahahaha!

Sidetracking there.....anyway, if there's one love you cant deny in this world is a mother's love. Maybe modern mums are a bit different from the olden days mum when their love towards their expanding brood is unconditional. But for a young mum who thinks that their children is a waste of time and that they'd rather be out partying than taking care of their children's needs, don't even think of having children in the first place. Come on lah, they're not dolls that you can just put on the shelves and hope they will deny your existence just like how you do to them. I know that being a young woman and having to cope with the finances, the growing expenses and the stresses of life is very tough indeed. But that is where work-life balance comes into play and if the young woman knows that she is not capable of taking care of her children and leaves it to the husband in the case of a separation, then it is only in the name of the children's best interest. I just cannot accept it when she chooses to 'sacrifice' their happiness for the sake of their own by letting go of their responsibility just like that because their children are considered a hindrance. Why are you so ashamed of them?! Do you know that there are couples out there who have been childless for the longest time and have spent thousands of dollars for their medical treatments? And how about those mothers whose children have been taken away from them by the social workers because they are deemed incapable of taking care of their children's needs after being thrown into jail or declared a drug addict? Then there are the women who experienced miscarriages more than one time but still carry on trying even though each miscarriage gets more painful each time for it leaves an even bigger wound.

If the young mothers blame their carelessness which lead to the children, it still does not give them the authority to treat their child or children like they are the biggest burden of their lives. All because of their 'carelessness'. Children should not suffer for our mistakes. At most, if you can't take care of them, then the best thing to do is to find a loving family that will take care of their needs and give them enough love to last them a lifetime. But before resorting to that, a child is still in favour of their natural mothers' love so please, give them the undivided attention just like how you want yourself to be loved by somebody who share the same blood ties with you. Nobody likes to feel abandoned. Nobody likes to feel lonely so don't deprive your children, whether they are just a few months old or in their adulthood, and tell them that you still remember them and that they are loved no matter where they are and what they do.

When I heard stories about how a woman adds a foster child to her life, it touches me especially when these children have been given up for adoption because their parents could not take care of them or have died. It gives a child hope that there is a future for them even though they may be too young to understand that and may feel a bit apprehensive at first towards strangers. But children don't take that long to warm up and after awhile, they don't label you as not being their natural parent as long as they are given adequate attention and showered with love. There will always be a time when the adopted children finally understand everything and many may go in search of their natural parents.

This is a very heartbreaking moment because they may choose to refuse your love and go back to their birth parents who may or may not want to acknowledge them anymore. The opposite may also happen such as the natural parents suddenly want their children back and it can be a very painful and long battle at the courthouse. Two schools of thoughts will clash against one another between the birth mum and the mum who has been taking care of every needs of the child from the moment he or she is being placed into her care. You can see that in movies too and what is worse is when the court chooses to let the child be taken care of the natural parents who have never even paid him or her a visit or tell the child that they love him but out of nowhere, they suddenly thought about this child they have given away. I know that sometimes circumstances may lead to the child be given away like that but this child cannot be taken back like that either because each day, love can grow substantially and you cannot top that.

I think the only way is to reach a compromising situation where the child will not be pulled apart between the natural and the foster parents. Even if the child faced their parents' separation at a young age, it doesn't mean that they cannot remember their mother's or father's faces and the things they did for them before they were separated. Please spare a thought for them and don't just deny them of love no more even if you can't be there all the time for them or have opened a new chapter in your life. I have a step cousin of whom, thankfully, my aunt lets her to meet her real mum even when she was a baby and my aunt apparently could adopt her because she could fulfill that condition of hers. Hrm, but apparently, her real mum had received some money and could even afford a maid unlike her very poor financial state the other time when her husband was jailed and that she had to take care of her other two children with her mum. It was a very tough decision for her to let my step cousin go but it was the only thing to do because money was short. So now that she knows she is capable, she said that she can easily take my cousin back. What the...think what? Got money already can easily snatch the child back is it? Hello? Money doesn't buy love okay?

Haiz....what is happening to the world. You have a child but you don't want but those who cant have a child, badly wants one. For myself, knowing that I myself have difficulties taking care of myself, I don't forsee myself getting attached and settle down with children in later years. I have planned to adopt a child when I am more financially stable and that I have completed my studies and have lesser commitments so I can give the child my undivided attention. There are a lot of children out there who are in need of some lovin' so why don't we take care of them even though they are not our flesh and blood. We don't have to be related to shower one our love right? If you have the money, you can even support a child coming from a poor family so that the child is able to continue his or her education in school with all the proper things and all because we play a part in shaping the child's future. I have read about wealthy women who give their full financial support to such children rather than always devoting their time fully to shopping and recreational activities like spas. It is a very sweet gesture coming from a stranger, don't you think?

Anyway, don't take into offence what I have said especially about young mothers because I think generally mothers, young or matured, are good care takers and only mothers know best what is good for their children. I just hope you don't close one eye and hope everything is okay as you leave them behind and go about enjoying your newfound freedom. These kind of children can remember the sweetest moments you have given to them and cherish them all their lives and it won't hurt for you to continue giving ur moral support.


Gosh..yesterday was a total nagfest for my mum as she just could not stop nagging over every single thing especially when she knew that I would be going out. I had already given her two days advanced notice that I would be going out with a friend but it still went downhill from there. She asked why I kept making appointment with my friends and that there were things at home that I could settle like vacuuming and I told her that I would do that before meeting my friend. I could have backed out but I had promised her two weeks ago because the last time she asked me, it was for that very day itself and I had made a date with another friend. I thought she would forget lah since it would be two weeks later of which she did mention at first, there is no way for me to back out since she had already given me two weeks' notice in advance. That was until yesterday when she reminded me that hey, did I still remember our plan for Saturday? And I didn't know how to break this news gently except to promise her that this friend of mine wouldn't stay out for long and I would be back before 11pm before. Because prior to that she was nagging about what the heck we were doing outside until more than 8 hours in a shopping centre. I just said that we would eat and then my friend would be shop hopping and looking at things while I tagged along and we would also walk on stretches of pathways because Orchard Road isnt built to be small. And of course she didn't buy it and she would go on saying that she would take up at most 4 hours and come back home.

Oh, and her classic is why the heck do I have to follow them around when I could just excuse myself to go home earlier. She told me to stop being too nice to people especially when I myself, when I need to go somewhere, why I can go alone and not bothering to ask someone along while my friends, who are around the same age as me, always had to ask me instead. Like why can't they just ask their other friends instead. If my colleagues, she would be asking why they could not just go with their husbands and if they go out after work, don't their husband mind that their wives would be coming back home late? Anyway, she thought that these husbands didn't care about their wives' whereabouts so I shouldn't hang around with them too much or I would be like them. Sighz..

She would ask why always me...of which she would then add on saying that I was too nice to people. Yes, I put up with all those nagging and this was only part one of her nagging and it had not reached the part Two yet which would be on that day itself. I did things to 'please' her heart by going to the shop downstairs to buy them drinks even though my brother is independent enough to do that and prior to getting ready, I would vacuum the floor for them and throw away the rubbish. I would clean up my room so if she and my brother hang out in my room, with her on the phone and my brother on the pc, it would not be an eyesore. Still, she would not be completely happy and nitpicked me about my clothings even though it was just a darn shirt with no gapping holes or whatsoever.

Yesterday's comment was that my white shirt looked like one of those mourners at a chinese funeral and in order to further please her, I went to change and took a black one instead even though I was jolly well running late! SO that was how I went. But she took that swap of clothes as an offend to her and asked why I took black and I told her lah blatantly that didnt she say that the shirt made me look like a mourner and then she asked why the black shirt ah, the sleeves so short? Grrr...........what do you want, woman?! Before I went to change, she said that if I changed, she would not let me out so if I wanted to 'rebel', might as well not go. What the?! Me..rebel?!! Who was the one making such comments and did I protest loudly? NooOOoo..I merely took something to change and she thought I was being rebellious.

Then, as I was about to leave, she dropped another bomb on me. She asked me to buy drinks for her, precisely two packets of milk because she had an upset tummy and some drinks for my brother too. Almost one whole day I was at home and only leaving after 4pm and running late at that, she just HAD to ask me now. See? Don't you see a conspiracy here...she just hates me going out and she said that if I go out, I won't be able to accompany my brother in my room while he plays with his pc because I am either not at home or too tired after work and could not open my eyes and would sleep instead. I mean come on.....why blame me? Isn't it obvious it is my room and I have every right to sleep in it. And it is not my fault that my brother is the penakut or the coward sort with the wildest imagination that something would pop out of the pc at his face. You should tell him instead to get it over with and be brave and independent young boy instead because he's already 11 years old and next year taking his PSLE. He cannot forever be so scared over everything and what is worse, he cannot be left alone in the room even in bright daylight even though at one point of time, he did get over with his phobia and now he is at it again.

Oh, continuing yesterday's event, she had not stopped nagging at me apparently when I reached home at 10.33pm which she retorted sarcastically like 'wah, you broke record'. Im like whatever lah as long as I kept with my promise that I would be back early because this friend of mine didn't like to stay out that long either because she had mummy problem too. Then suddenly she noticed why my skirt so short and I told her that I wore this just now but she didn't say anything then why she made a big fuss over it now. Futhermore, I had been wearing this skirt for months and she never said anything except the first time I bought it which she compared with the previous skirt which was a tad bit longer. Then she nagged at how dirty my bottom would be if the skirt hiked up when I sat down on public transport and on public seats but I told her that I would push down my skirt first before sitting. She protested saying she did not think so and asked me to sit down and demonstrate to her if indeed, my skirt covered my bottom when I sat down.

Grr...but it's okay..rahayu can take it...she just did what she said and yah, as expected she would say that she was right that my skirt barely covered my bottom and told me to straight go to the bathroom to wash up and clean properly because all the germs would be covering up my ass. Oh my gawd....and I remarked that pls lah, I came back home early also she nagged. By then, when I went to the bathroom and began peeling my skirt off to wash up, she shouted why she never heard any water running in my bathroom. For goodness sake, Im 25..and not 15!! At that age, young women like me would have kids and a family already but right now, I am being treated like a pimpled teenager.

She nagged about my hair which she said that it was thinning and im becoming older than my age and that white hair she found on my head proved to her that I had not been taking good care of myself. She also nagged about my skin and what the heck did I put on my chin that it is covered with pimply scars. I told her that I had that for a long time already and they are fading away slowly already and how come now then she noticed. She, of course, said no and remarked that she only saw them now because all the while, she didn't see them. So again, what have I been using for my face till it became that stage. Tsk...alamak, it's just the overactive hormones lah and some more, bein stuck in the cubicle for three months which made my skin extremely dry aggravated the pimples to just keep on popping up. But no...I didn't go through the details with her because her mindset is always I never take care of myself.

While in the bathroom, I just told myself in the mirror to just bear with it and should be thankful that I have a mum to fuss over me. If all else fails, I would just turn into a 'yes, mum' mode in order to stop her from nagging because the more you say against her, the more revengeful she becomes even if you talking back at her is a matter of clarifying things only and not to show an attitude.

Haiz, next week I got yet another two appointments with the same two friends. When they asked me if I wanted to go this or that respectively, I thought I didn't sound convincing enough that I didn't mind going. Fuwah, it even showed through my smses and they didn't even have to hear my voice. I mean, it is not as if I go out everyday and I forget about my responsibility to my family but my mum should cut me some slack and have trust in me. I know her only problem with me is that she's thinking that Im becoming a scapegoat towards my friends because in her opinions, she knows that Im not the sort who is stingy and would not take a long time in a shop tat whenever I go out alone, I would usually be back in a jiffy. You cant compare me with them....Im just a bit odd and overly conscious over my budget that if I don't need something or don't wish to spend my money on them, I just wouldn't look at them for it would only be a waste of time. But this is different. I am with a friend and I just follow look look see see big deal what.

Whatever it is, if she wants to nag, she WILL nag so what do i do? Bear it with lah...

Saturday, December 16, 2006

Some Lessons had been a good week but a tiring one too. So tiring that when I went to the gym, I could feel the soreness in my legs 5 minutes into the cross trainer thingey! And come to think of it, eh..didn't I go to the gym last week but it felt as if I didn't go for the longest while. Oh yes, been doing some catching up with a friend of mine which I had blogged about not too long ago and apparently, she had LOTs of things to tell me..haha. We practically walked from Raffles Place to Dhoby Gaut and on to Orchard Road after our usual hang out at TCC. I had my usual oreo thingey but this time instead of oreo milkshake, I had oreo frappucino. Delicious! The only problem was that...uhm...I forgot I can't take frappucino. That is lesson number one. It gave me stomach ache right till yesterday and my tummy felt SoooOoo uneasy. On that night at around 11, I missed the bus and I didn't know if that was a good thing or a bad thing coz 10 minutes into waiting, my tummyache became worse. I could not even sit up straight and knowing that the bus would be packed later, I decided to forgo the bus and try the walk the pain away. It was a struggle all the way because I could not stand up properly as my tummy was churning away. In the end, when it subdued a bit, I took the train back from Orchard Road and apparently, it was the last train. I missed the previous train (whats up with me missing the public transport?!!) and luckily, I was able to take the last one. Oh yah, prior to that, I went to the toilet coz I thought I looked a mess and my whole body was sweating..and my face was practically drenched that I was lucky to take a quick raincheck before boarding the train.

Meanwhile, I was still not at a comfortable level with my tummy and I sat down on the edge of the staircase not caring if my cleavage was showing or what. Oh f***k it lah...good thing I didn't get any weird stares. The only thing on my mind was to get home on time and also to catch the last train over at NEL station. Oh the thought of running at Dhoby Gaut Station...which mind you, isn't just a matter of few steps like at City Hall station. GAH!!!

So yah I had to eventually walked fast midway. And phewh..I made it! :) I never felt so worried in not being able to catch the train at all and knowing that it was a Thursday and not a Friday or a Saturday, I was very doubtful that the time would be extended so die die...had to run for it. And all this because of a darn frapuccino. Should have stuck with the milkshake instead. And they say changes are good.

So yah, what's my lesson number two. After the mad rush just yesterday, I was determined not to be late ever ever again even for work because all this running and huffing and puffing is uhm..bad for health. And now that they have started to seriously gun down on people who are late with a swish of a report, I'd better get a hold of myself and not to take time for granted. STILL I managed to be almost late today. What the freak. I knew that the buses at the bus stop here have a problem of not showing up..not even one single freakin bring me to the station two bus stops away for at least ten minutes.

When they eventually showed up, I had less than 5 minutes to catch the train which always comes punctually at the specific times. Okay, so there's no point blaming the public transport when it is just me who is so freakin' lazy to show up to work at least 5 minutes before time. I don't know..just call me as one of those who hates to be categorised under the goody-two-shoes when it comes to being punctual. Coz to be punctual is to be boring.haha..Okaylah, I will seriously try my best to be early not because I want to have an impressive record with the bosses but to save me the trouble of running and worrying constantly over the time.

Lesson number three and four are quite short but it is a life lesson alright. Uhm...a bit the redundant information but I learnt that walking very fast and running at some point during the 'lateness' marathon in your new pair of heels is a big no-no. So what do I stand to get? A rather bad blister on the parts where there were vigorous rubbing between the heels' denim fabric and my skin due to me attempting to run (so not working rahayu!). Anyway the conclusion for it? I managed to get to work at 8 oclock exactly which was not what I hoped to get but hey, is it 8.01? Nope. And what time am I supposed to be at work? 8am. So technically, you can't fault me! haha....dont mind me, I get a little crazy all the time after all that running to get to work on time.

And last but not least, my new mantra which becomes my lesson number four. While going without my mp3 player on the train after work, which sucked coz I cant drain the voice of other passengers, I did some thinking while standing up to kill time. You know i've been plagued by my weight gain issue which people don't notice but on my part, I do lah and most prominently, my tummy. So I have been getting so self conscious of myself that practically anything that I wear, I find myself looking fatter. Anyhoo, of course i am desperate to change for I don't want my life to be plagued by my low self esteem. Sooner or later, it is going to pull me down and I only have one life to lead.

Therefore, I declare that my new mantra is 'I am a confident young woman'. This seems to be a very simple mantra and shouldn't confidence already be part of me so long ago in order to get through life with ease? Nope. Not in my case. Somehow, that mantra does work. Whenever I chant that to myself, instantly I find that I carry myself better. I also feel less self conscious because I feel that as a confident young woman, I don't let such small things get me down. If having a bloated tummy will pull down my confidence, then I must do something about it like regular exercise and eating right in order to REGAIN back my confidence level. If I want to wear something to look good, I must also make sure that it is not a piece of clothing that will not make me so self conscious that I have to do a lot of 'double takes' in the mirror. It must be something that makes me feel good and more confident. After that, I should not let myself be so self conscious and try to maintain my self confidence instead in order to maintain the feel good aura in me.

See! There's so many things that we can learn in life whether it is drastically changing our life directions or something simple that we can easily remember and follow. It's just whether you are open enough to receive them and make sure you don't repeat ur past mistakes or you learn to take it easy a bit because what's the point of worrying too much or caring about what people have to say if it onlie leads to one thing: unhappiness. If it brings you down, or infact anybody else tries to bring you down, it's time do an overhaul and see if you need to make any changes that will take away the pain or sadness. Rather than you concentrating on the negative side, maybe it's time to think about what you can do to stop feeling so down in the pits anymore.

I know that life can be so hard and I can find myself struggling too. But I also know that other peole are not exactly problem-free either lets me wake up and smell the coffee. For no one's life is perfect but full of ups and downs. Anyway, tomorrow Im doing an overhaul on my lifestyle especially the eating aspect. Okay, I've mentioned this so many times before but there is always something that gets in the way and spoil my chances. However, after that new mantra of mine, I won't let things get in my way of my self confidence. If I can change it, I will change it and not make me live a life of anger and despair for being stuck in something I don't want to be in. Haiz...this is easier said than done but like in my new mantra 'I am a CONFIDENT young woman'..hehe...I can do it..go rahayu!

Friday, December 15, 2006

date with good friend too shagged to type any entries after a LooOOoong walk with a friend. But since this entry is already pending since the event was two days ago (judging from the time now which is 2am), i guess I can only show some pics and comment along the way...

gathering at work. Look what Ive got! a cute lady bug on top of a..err...scratching thingey!

I invented a silly song for this ladybug..'oh lady bug! lady bug!!'

chocies galore! how how many did I kaput..hrm..*wonder* *wonder* sitting among my PETITE colleagues..and I stood out *duh*..dubious honour. but nice shot girls!

me test driving my colleague's birthday present
in the form of a new handphone from her husband.
I tested the camera and's perfectly fine...haha!

this was a trip to Paragon to 'refresh' ourselves a bit
and man! am i THAT busty?..haha..

me and my brother's trip to vivocity. I told him to look happy..

and he looked better now! hee...with me inside the picture,

you'd BETTER.

I'll be blogging about some other stuffs when im free later. Some serious stuffs...

Wednesday, December 13, 2006

mango here I go

Quick post cum update! pretty much done with my shopping and I actually spent less than 200 dollars. The only conclusive reasons were that the things I bought were on sale. Perfect! Saves me the money..haha..and yes, after a long period of anticipation, I finally got the chance to go the Mango Sales. Yipee! Me and my colleague went straight after work and we went to the second nearest outlet at the marina square.

when we were almost reaching the boutique, we didn't see anyone leaving with bags of mango stuffs and there didn't seem to be a crowd at all. But come nearer, there was a crowd but based on our experience, it wasn't a big crowd where you would be practically jostling for space or waiting behind some goondu to hurry up with her choice of clothes. And erm...pls lah, if your boyfriend/fiancee/husband is not going to give you your two cents' worth on the pieces you chose, leave him at home or somewhere else to loiter. Take up space only. But ah, hehe...the boyfriendS of this crowd handsome sey...gawd slap me for looking at them for they were so fine! And me being ever the fast shopper was done in under ten minutes because I went there with a budget of 5o dollars and this time, I was planning to not exceed it by ten dollars. I mean, it was not because that ten dollars was so big but I did not want to end up with purchases that I would not quite wear coz somehow rather I wouldn't feel like wearing it but bought it JUST because it happened to be in my size. Don't worry I confuse myself sometimes so in other words....50 means 50!!! Close the chapter! hehe....I amuse myself sometimes too amidst the confusion.

so there I was, making painful decisions every now and then trying to 'weigh' the value of the different basic shirts I picked up and a clutch handbag. Haiz, it was SOOOoooOO tough trying to see which ones I really really need and which ones I needed to put back. I tell you, during a huge sales like this, EVERYTHING i picked up looked logical enough for me to purchase but I had to do my calculations with my handphone. Therefore, while people were busy walking around the shop happily browsing the items, I walked around calculating if I overbudgeted. Tsk, almost everytime I would strike almost 60 which was what I had always been paying but tonight, I was determined to bring it to 50 and it was no mean feat. But my colleague who spent a hundred over dollars during their last sales and was determined to spend much less than that, she ended up with just one item. I mean, on one hand I would understand her problems because nowadays her fashion sense veered towards something 'different' and also a bit sexy while Im fine with the shirt type tops with long and short sleeves.

And yah, another problem is because she seems to have so many new tops nowadays with each one looking different than the other for every single day that I guess, the seemingly ordinary looking ones which she used to adore and be of the same wavelength as me..dia tak pandang or she doesn't quite find them appealing anymore. So would have been a fun together gether shopping trip with each of us sharing opinions but we only exchanged opinions briefly at times for merely three times. I bought three different kinds of tops after a long thinking and uhm..sacrifing 'doubtful' tops every and then *sobs*

But it's okaylah I suppose. In the first place, I felt bloated because these past two months, I had been eating all sorts of food so I scared later cannot fit liaoz...hehe. When I tried at home, everything looked okay but around the tummy area became more pudgy looking because the skirt I wore 'cuts' me off in the middle because it is a bit tight la the skirt emphasizing on my 'roundness' especially the mid section. YES I KNOW...just mere excuses..hehe.

Anyway, Im glad I succeeded in maintaining the budget that in total, I only had to top up by a dollar. Im happy for me...for fighting against the 'buy buy' spirit..kekeke.. Keep it up, Rahayu! chey...shameless woman! haha....

Long Weekend, A Little Rambling & My Lack of Gratitude

The day I discover IG filters It's almost mid week to August..argh. I am in the midst of a long weekend, which sadly will come to ...