Wednesday, March 29, 2006

New BLouse!!

Hehe..I am so proud of myself!!

I have learnt the art of being patience..coz I resisted buying this white long sleeves blouse for more than a month as a way to cut down on my expenditure. I guessed I went crazy over the sales..but this being a non sales item, I didn't wanna get it.


But after a bit of additional income from my company..in less than an hour, I get the white blouse! And what a wait...coz my rapid weight loss (which I figured was the cause of my fatigue and mood swings)..I was able to fit in better than the last time I tried! I mean..it was still okaylah back then..just that i thought it could look even better.


Okay..so it's not exactly what I wanted but heck..still good enough!! You see you see!!!!





Oh, and upon uploading the pics, I was thinking why my jawline felt a bit 'funnie'. For example, if I apply sunblock or cream, I could feel the sharp bones especially round the corners near the ears rather than the usual fleshy touch.


Then as I compared and contrast, it occured to me..that hehe..I got more prominent jawline! woohoo!!


Presenting.....my short pictorial debut...'Saving Face' (as opposed to Saving Grace)

Dec 2005




Early Feb 2006




Earlier on Mar 2006






Fuwah..and I am onlie halfway of reaching my target number of kilograms to lose this year. And it's not even a quarter of the year yet!! Brrr...I shiver at the thought of me being slimmer. Haha..it doesn't make sense to me!!! But still, I like my face better now..though I mz admit it's quite painful like when i cleanse my face with a cotton pad. I mean..hey..I've been living with a chubby face all this while what..haha! Still chubby la but right now, I try not to lose too much weight in under a month although I didn't mean to end up that way. I just don't snack on anything oily or fattening as I got a bit paranoid after gaining weight again near end of Feb.



Alright..Im damn sleepy. No joke man..two posts for the nite. See ya!



Stand Up Girls!

Well..it's tough being a girl. can't afford to slack if not our skin gets all blotchy..can't afford to just ignore what we eat or the fats will go straight to the hips, butt and thighs. Oh, and we can't afford to ignore the projection of our image if not we will only appear as 'sloppy' putting ourselves to shame compared to the dress to the max...well...cross dressers. Many of them embrace their 'womanly curves' ..whether they already have it or artificially have them made...to wear the latest season fashion and up-to-date makeup colours.


Okay, for once...I was sloppy. Right..I am still lah but you have to forgive me. I can onli do so much! I mean I enjoy being a girl as much as I enjoy buying make up although not as frequent as the times when I was a teenager. Since now I prefer a flawless looking skin rather than hiding behind a thick layer of foundation or compact powder. To me, what's the point if you keep buying a truckload of foundation...cream based...liquid based..powder based..and the more recently, mousse based...if your skin is as wrinkled as a dried prune and your face is as oily as a chinese wok.


So okay...we can't let ourselves off the hook also like I did on a few counts..hehe. I just couldn't be bothered or I didn't have enough money to buy the more reliable facial wash for instance. Now that I can afford due to a paying job..(I didn't say well paid though..) so naturally, my skin will be much better than back when I was a teenager barely able to buy lunch for myself? Narh....the next thing, once you get the whatever products you've bought..sometimes, we tend not to use it especially if we are pretty ill disciplined. Or..for some, there are simply too many facial products or make up that it is easy to forget the existence of the previously bought ones. So I am guilty of it..and yes, I do addresss that problem. And in order not to waste anymore money, I have come up with a list. I don't know if it is useful for anyone who is reading this but basically, it's just a rough idea.

1) Recognise what is it that you want to achieve. Like for me, I want a brighter looking skin.

2) So, in terms of body lotion.....again, basically recognise what do you hope to achieve by the end of its entire bottle of usage. I have problem skin..or at least used to...for my feet and the skin directly above my feet. They used to be all red and blotchy from a very bad case of eczema or rashes.


Usually, in this sorta case...the best thing is to get the lotion that offers deep moisturising and several vitamins like Vit E.


3)Seek help from colleagues or friends, like pestering those who have tried the products and have seen the results and are satisfied with it. I am surprised that the body lotionAs a friend I recommend some lotion to my other colleague who has similar problem skin like me. Can't help it! We have the same blood type..same star sign..same month of birthday...and same age! We can be like sisters except that she's gorgeous..and Im way more gorgeous..bwahahaha!! Im amazed at my lameness.


4)Oh, and also...doesn't mean it works for them it will work for you. This is natural..since we all have different kinds of skin. So another good tip is to basically, just take a closer look at your face or observe the texture of your skin throughout the day.


And the list goes on and I am so darn lazy to type it out. Okaylah, I guess the best tip I can offer besides knowing exactly how ur skin is like and what you hope to achieve..is to work out a budget. This is to cut down the tendency to buy unnecessary crap. Of course every single product promises this and that..just like some guys who offer onlie empty promises....so we just have to be careful la. No harm trying though....if it's good, then best to stick with it instead of continually changing. There IS such a thing as our skin getting all stressed out from the accumulation of different kinds of products.


So, like I said..it ain't easy being a girl...just in case some guys think that it's so chicken feed, even their grandmothers can do it. FYI..your grandmother is also part of the female species. But you know what..as hard as it can be...it's definitely worth making an effort trying to do what we are supposed to do. The results can be so amazing that we will be thinking why we didn't use this in the beginning!!


Actually, my whole point of blogging is not to promote so if let's say there are any product names mentioned here, it wasn't done on purpose. But I was right about me being gorgeous, though! I guess being the more emotional gender, we tend to get really affected by some things more than the guys and also we develop some habits or attitude that's just not us..but totally influenced by the opposite sex. Something like being brain washed..or too much in love..I dunno....depends on them actually. I don't think it's fair for me to label people also especially if we have not been in their shoes to see from another point of view.


But I really take my hat off to girls who can make a stand for themselves even if it's gonna hurt them really bad. Like breaking up with the guys even if they were engaged or their wedding date is drawing near. Oh, and how the boyfriends don't have any trust in them and they got to a point, their social life is being scrutinized way too much. And how some control the way the girlfriend moves or dresses up that everything has to be 'approved' prior to wearing or buying it. Then they are forced to wear something they like but coz the boyfriend doesnt like, she is forbidden to wear it.


Look...I can understand if he has concerns over the blouse the girlfriend wears if it reveals way too much skin. Okay, so she has her right to wear what she wants but it's just a matter of concern for the boyfriend if she is going to attract unwanted attention. It's a gesture of love and consideration if he brings up what he thinks about her style if she has been wearing clothes that barely cover her. But it's still wise to approach it in a tactful manner like giving her options instead of a stupid stern warning or a firm 'no'. Like we dont need another mother!!


But I don't understand la if it's just some cardigan or some decent looking top and even THAT have to be approved. Okay, so the price plays a part too but if it's not expensive...and just because he doesn't like it, over the dumb reason that it's not his fav colour, she cant wear it, is it?!!!! Lame!! Grow up man...Oh, and then there are those who will approve the spaghetti strap top but not the one with the long sleeves coz it's so 'dowdy' or 'old fashioned' according to him. MY GAWD....what the hell are you trying to say?!! Like hello?! We're not some fashion accessory or bling bling hanging by your arm okay?


And this one happened to me and my friend. So it was more for her la since it is her boyfriend..or rather ex boyfriend. I tot I got her boyfriend mixed up with her ex last friday when I accompanied her to dhoby gaut study centre..which I can't name here. But she told me that she is no more with her..and I was a bit puzzled since they were on the verge of getting engaged to each other despite having a few objections or obstacles on the way. Uhm...I would say that as bad as this sounds, I kinda expected it one day..I meant..the break up.


Coz since last year..whenever we went gym together, I had to say 'hello' over the phone to prove to him that I am indeed me..not some sleaze bag about to pounce on his girlfriend. Okay, so if I am a guy and like almost every Tuesday, my friend says that she is going to the gym with him..maybe he has the right to get suspicious. But it can get tiring that almost all the time I had to say 'hello' for my friend to convince him that she is not kidding. And know what? Even then he was not thoroughly convinced by saying that my friend just grabbed any passing female to sound 'hello' to him. Like what? Nothing better to do is it?



But knowing my friend, she can be a tough cookie at times. Like she will bear with him for awhile...but if it gets to a point where she thinks enough is enough, she is willing to put aside any feelings for him and drop him. She told me that we shouldn't let ourselves be controlled. As the fairer sex, we tend to get emotional that we cannot think straight. But we should know when enough is enough...and as hurtful as it can be, it's just best to move on and not let ourselves suffer for so long.


True. Very admirable. K, so I just had to ask what happened when she said she just broke up with her boyfriend on the day we met at dhoby gaut. It's like...so freakin sudden! The thing was...he was too much already and she was thinking it was the last straw. So my friend had the initiative to inform him that she was going to meet me to go there to make enquiries regarding some course. Since we both planned to continue our studies, so I thought I could check it out also or basically, just accompany her since she was kinda scared.


Then halfway through, she said sorry to me while the customer service lady was attending to some paperwork for her. I was a bit puzzled but she told me that her boyfriend came out of nowhere and she herself was surprised that he turned up waiting outside for her. I was ok with it....if she had to leave straight after this...instead of just maybe hang out for awhile at a nearby mall. I wasn't in the mood for shopping anyway. So I thought that well...maybe he wanted to just meet her since he happened to be around the same area. But it wasn't the case.


Just now, she told me that she told him about our meeting a day earlier already but he didn't seem to trust her. He said something like why must go all the way there...to dhoby gaut..with me instead of him. Like as if he couldn't spare the time for her...according to him. She said that she didnt want to trouble him since he was doing his reservist so probably was busy. But he kept calling her on that day requesting to hear my voice coz he didn't believe her that I was going to meet her. She kept saying that I wasn't there yet since I had to come all the way from office while she was already outside.


So okay fine. But later she became suspicious when he called again asking her where exactly this study centre was. But she was very shocked when after the subsequent call, she turned her head and then saw him waiting outside. He messaged her asking where I was..but I was hidden behind some panel so I guess he couldn't see. So he sneeked a peek at me...and then the nerves..u know what he said through his messages to her?!!!!!


He said that HE couldn't trust me either...who knows if after this, I would be bringing his girlfriend on a sightseeing...trying to catch some big fish. Don't think he didn't know what we were up to after we head off from the study centre. What the f***k am I ? A hooker?!! Is that the way you treat your girlfriend's friend?!


For goodness sake, we're grow ups! Can't stand such a lame accusation. First he didn't like the idea of my friend going with me like I was such a big bad influence on her. It's a study centre..for crying out loud..we're not making enquiries on earning extra quick bucks!!! Then he didn't believe she was with me by personally going down to the centre..even in his official uniform...just to see if it was really me. Then when he saw it was really me..I don't know if he was trying to cover up his embarassment by blatantly saying that I was gonna teach her to hook up with some guys later..no freakin idea..but still...What a complete ass!!!!


Man, this just strengthen my determination not to have a boyfriend...haha..I mean look..so you love the girl to bits you are scared something will happen and you two are no longer together. But to be a spy...and say the meanest things to her friends...coz you simply don't trust her or her friends...do you expect the girl to love you just as much as you do?!!


Anyway, one thing for sure...we have to be tough. Sure, we can doll ourselves up...try to achieve a nice figure...but never ever try to do that for the sake of other people and certainly not for our significant other. We're not some puppet okay? We have a life. A guy who truly loves you accepts you for who you are. Look at it this way. Even the most beautiful..well endowed girls or even celebrities have guys cheating on them. We're vulnerable but certainly not powerless. So we can aim to dress better to impress him...but don't go overboard by sticking to his rules and regulations over what to wear or what to buy..over the lamest reasons. If there is a need....voice out....and if he refuses to listen, what makes you think he'll a good boy in the future? Move on and just treat it as a lesson in love. Good luck!!

Saturday, March 25, 2006

Thanks Angie!

I definitely think that I had been quite affected by my surroundings and got distracted halfway. I have always admired some people especially ladies around my age group who just look good in whatever they wear even if it is just wearing a well fitted jeans. Hey forget about my age group. The group above mine..even with a family of small children, they dont look like they piled on pounds despite bearing more than one children even. And if you think they're celebrities who can afford luxury slimming treatments for free, you're not even close. THey are real people...people you see on the streets, in the bus, in your neighbourhood or even the supermarkets. At a few points of my life, when I see these hot mamas or well dressed mamas...and look at myself, I'd be thinking..I was the one who looked like I am married and have ten children, not them! They look as mighty fine as ever.


Heck, even my age group..of no matter what size, exudes a sense of charisma and self confidence that people are just admiring them for their youthfulness. Their great fashion taste also contributes to the overall 'feel good' factor that you wonder, where did they get their ideas from. Even though now, I still look around for fashion tips like I think denim skirts are so hot and the colour hot pink..oh..and well fitted three quarter jeans...I kinda recalled the times when I couldn't mix and match anything or wear what I fancy..coz know what? Im just so darn fat. From loving blue..I became personal with black coz black is a big girl's best friend to hide all those flabs. And the bigger the outfit is, the better it is coz it would hide my flaws too even though that same top can be seen worn by a lady twice my age. I mean..what can I do? I couldn't even wear a ladies blouse from Giordano, for instance, but end up with a man's t shirt coz I couldn't fit the blouse. And it would usually be the men's section that I would look at in a unisex clothing store coz they probably have my size.


You'd think I'd be happier now that I have more nice clothes to wear as I don't feel all squeezy or snugged with my fats bulging in all directions possible like before. Okay, you are right. But during the initial 'black period' moments, when I felt so lethargic...so 'not me'....I wasn't happy. I looked at my old photos and I wanted to revert back to it. I tot I was happier then. Or so i thought.


I admit it. I sidetracked. A lot. Can you imagine if my friend Angie who, amidst her busy workload, would come out and rescue me from making a vow to myself to start eating 'normally' again the next day? Yes, as crazy as it sounds, having lived with a huge lack of self confidence, thanks to me thinking too much about my body hung ups, and then slowly becoming more 'sassy' and confident, I wanted to get back to my old days. I didn't know what went through my mind..maybe I didn't eat that much. Maybe I got stressed out from all the unnecessary thinking. Maybe this..maybe that..


When my colleague left work earlier taking urgent half day leave, I was left alone to go for lunch before reporting back to work. I thought about what to eat...but suddenly, i got a brainwave that hey..since there is no one to eat with me, then I will choose NOT to eat! I'd probably grab a sandwich from delifrance then head back if I am darn hungry. BUt since there is no colleague..which is an excuse for me NOT to eat..might as well take up this 'golden' opportunity.


So I went round bugis junction hoping to find a nice place to eat. But after walking almost half an hour..and me scrutinizing over every possible choices, I just couldn't help but not eat. In a way, true...I dont look at snacks like the Old Chang Kee anymore like a 'must have'...I don't eat cheeseburger almost everytime I buy mcdonald's food back...and yeah...I don't see chocolates as a necessity to put inside my handbags. In other words, I don't see the need to snack if it is going to put unnecessary kgs on me.


Doesn't this sound like a good thing? It does right, but if your brain is cloudy up there, everything don't seem right. I saw it as a bad thing. I saw it as a bad influence others have on me like they want me to be slim...even though come to think of it, no one ever pestered me to lose weight. They didn't comment either if I put on weight or what...but my cloudy brain says that I have been 'forced' into this diet regime even though it was my original intention that I want to be healthier.


Suddenly, I tot that I was happier then like eating as and when I like. But I forgot. I forgot how miserable I felt after that. I forgot how depressed I was whenever someone lost weight while I gained weight. I forgot how ill disciplined i was with food sometimes by eating more than 5 times. Oh, and I even forgot how clothes just don't fit me and I end up wearing the same ol' boring 'auntie' clothes over and over again since there were onlie a few of those that could hide my body flaws.


In other words, I should be happier now. I should congratulate myself by patting myself on the back saying 'you go, girl!' instead of being gloomy while people have been giving me endless positive comments about how i did 'it'. Err..losing weight I mean...coz they want to be like me. Be like me? No one ever said that to me..so why the heck did I feel so down?!!!!



Whatever it is..I forgot why am I on this journey in the first place. Like I've said earlier on, and what my friend said to me...(that's you, angie!) I put myself in this journey. No one did. I was the one who was determined to make the changes..no one bribed me. I should be glad..reallie glad..that after the end of the week after the gathering where i never felt so liberated to start eating again, I managed to lose the weight I put on. I lost focus at that point of time. I tot I was trying to lose weight coz I wanted to give them a different view of me. But I never intended for that. They were never the driving force behind my 'I want to be healthier' motto. My ol' secondary buddies never remarked also how I put on so much weight ever since leaving secondary school.


So, after I saw them or my secondary buddies, I forgot that why I wanted to change my new image was not coz of them. Therefore I didn't understand why I tot of eating like 'normal' since I met them already what. I puzzled myself sometimes but thank goodness, I didn't let that thought linger for long.


Therefore, I am now proud to say that yes..I lost that 1.5kg of weight from my post gathering food binges. I start to eat healthier again and eating much less on weekend since I don't have to eat lunch for the sake of accompanying my partner so it's up to me if i want to eat lunch or not. So, I should be happy right? Yeah..no doubt about. Check out my pic of me when I was in my heaviest (2003) and the one taken just days ago.

2003..a week after my 22nd bdae. (Gawd i hate to reveal my real age!)



I am the one in pink.



2006...when I am 24 (technically 25 but since it ain't my bdae yet...)





And this was just me like what...exactly a month ago in 2006?!! GAH!!..all the stress and pretty focused diet and exercise regime made me look so different in just a month! what the hell..







Great...no wonder I was so fatigued. I am not joking when I onlie noticed the difference while looking at the pics taken in feb and the one taken last wednesday onlie. Oh well..rahayu..u have done me proud!

Thursday, March 23, 2006

Almost Over

i don't know if you are able to view this link but anyway, it's a great original acoustic song from.....you got it!! JASON MRAZ!!

http://www.jasonmraz.com/multimedia/MRAZ-GypsyMC-HIGH.mov

it's a bit long but you hardly notice coz he just sings and sings in his sweetest voice. Now this is a music genius who picked up playing guitar at a very late stage so he sorta have onlie less than ten years of guitar experience. However, his vast knowledge of music from rhythm & blues, jazz, motown...even pop...blends seamlessly together in his songs. But did you know at one point, he hated music? I mean, he didn't hate it like totally....he didn't like what people were doing to music with its mumbo jumbo of electronic sounds like those produced by the computers. However, his friends' array of musical influence and their continous support to the different genres out there gave him back the energy to just like music in its originality. It got stuck on him and he appreciates music much more than ever resulting in richer and more meaningful songs as evident from his lastest album.


it doesnt take a genius to figure out that I wasn't in the best of mood for almost a month. Everything seemed so scary....so nerve wrecking....and even if it has not happened yet...I keep thinking of the worst but not the good side of it. I also don't know what am I supposed to do with myself. I seemed to have lost my guidance in life and still figuring out what the hell am I doing here although I did tentatively drew up a plan. It also felt like nobody seems to care about me..like how I feel..see if I am ok or not...not even my family like my mum and brother especially. They are just engrossed on what they should eat for breakfast, lunch and dinner. And I have to go out and get it. Oh, and my mum's spending habits is a kille despite my attempt to remind her to be careful about spending as money tends to run out quite fast. But all fell on deaf ears and have to be totally careful with her..like she can't be intimidated or what although it is onlie a remark. For example, me telling her that quite a lot of my salary from the account she used the ATm card was paid for unnecessary things like those slightly fancy restaurant like Swensens and some indonesian restaurant at Takashimaya. I tot twice and thrice about buying things..in the end I didn't even get it the blue jeans as I thought that it may turn out to be totally not necessary.


And not meeting up with my friends for so so darn long already...including my good friend from secondary since she has been too caught up with tests and projects. I mean, not that I am complaining I lack companionship or what although it sometimes felt that way. But somehow, something is just isn't right and I think too much. Simply too much. I got 'invited' back to my dreams of so-not-reality and it set my mind far away as I imagined about some movie which I made up in my mind. To me, it's sorta like an escapade from the dreary and mundane things that I have to do or are currently being asked to do..no questions asked.


But i have to come back to earth. I can't be living in my own little bubble...dreaming away like I am truly somewhere out there but still standing on the same bloody spot. Just that it isn't easy...coz whenever i come back down to earth, I feel tat i have to conform to society's standard of what is right and what is wrong. However, I do know that deep inside, I know I am doing the right thing..with no major influence whatsoever. It's damn hard you know trying to focus at times that I can't snap out of it..and I kinda sidetracked. It's like whatever i do is just not right..not good enough...it's me definitely...but still not good enough.



I call it...one of those you can never put a smile on your face no matter how hard you try. Those sad droopy eyes...those downward lips....it's just a sad forlorn look. But you know what..I can finally finally....and finally say that my cloudy days are almost over once i inculcate the 'it's nothing, really' motto in my life. Also knowing that I am not alone facing problems which I can't really put my finger on it..while other people are having real problems that are affecting them physically and emotionally. Me? Im just trying to reassess everything in my life that haven't actually put a black hole in me..just that I only think of the worst that could happen. Do you call that problem or I have just made it up and have it become such a big hoo-ha?


Right. I shouldn't call it depression. I should be glad that I am seriously thinking about what am I doing right now and how to get things done right this time. Like one fine morning, I woke up with a positive vibe in me which said that I won't let anybody down this time which unfortunately, only changed me for that one particular day only. So now what? Who is gonna help me this time? That vibe may have come suddenly and go away quietly...but I can make it come back. I know I can. It doesn't just come out from nowhere. It comes out from me. SO that means I can make it come back.


I have laid down my plans and I am determined to make it happen. I won't get easily distracted. I have thought about what I want to do for my studies...how much I am planning to save each month...I cut down on my spending expenditure already....I think more about others than just myself....I am more focused on my diet and halfway to losing 10kg...and best of all, I am more confident which somehow, other people have felt and made positive comments.


I thank you all for indirectly letting me out of my dreary dungeon. I thank you all for letting me know that people do care about me...and I thank you for staying with me at times like this where I don't know what the hell am i here for on earth. Everyone has a black period but how jason mraz puts it...there is The Remedy to it..and thats...Don't Worry!

Wednesday, March 22, 2006

Self Promote

Hrm...if J.B. is ever to see this blog, he definitely need to see my picture, right? I mean, should at least give me credits for almost blinding my eyes sitting so near the tv just to get good shots of him. Oh well..he should see my grin whenever he appeared on the tv with his magic tricks. Priceless. Now this picture of mine was taken right after I took a few snapshots before the advert comes on.





Haiz...*blissful*

JB Baby

Hey, you know how im so ga-ga over this guy whom I don't even know his status like whether he is married or what..like who cares even..haha...but Im still not happy they didn't announce that he spent almost a month in singapore and I wasn't even there to stalk him! What the hell....NOT HAPPY!


So sob...I can onlie present snapshots of him...from my tv..(how odd is that?) and coz I didn't get to see him in real life, oh well, at least these pictures will comfort me. Besides his photos on the net look damn ugly. Haiz, need the touch of a special someone.


He fits the bill of the kind of guy I like...at least physically..bwahaha! HRm, but personality wise, he's pretty okay too like he doesn't really talk that much and he is not totally humorous, just laid back and did i mention he's short! I jz love love his cute biceps...gawd, im awful!









































JB Benn...aka...JB BABY....u rock my magical world!

Monday, March 20, 2006

The Unknown

well...some things are just meant to be cleared up. Whether it is pent up frustrations...misunderstandings...fear, that kind of stuffs. Actuallie, with a clearer mind, you can think your way through the thick jungle..past some hunky guys who have set residence somewhere in your brain..your world of fantasy (sexual, harry potter-ish..whateva)...and then finally reach that oasis. See, just as I was trying to clear my mind while typing this out, I suddenly remembered that two hours ago, I was googling for Heath Ledger. And I have yet to scrutinize the results.


Anyway, yeah..for me, I understand that I tend to fear for the unknown. My sleeplessness has given me a pretty massive headache from thinking..er..too much. What the hell...I am still in the 'is jake gyllenhaal handsome?' or is he not my type..but being all cloudy up there...I think he is but I am in great denial. That sets me to the next question which I have not really thought about...do I like guys with a masculine look or a boyish look? Err....gah..i think I will screw both of them up! Okay, I meant...I will mix up both looks...so they're not too masculine nor too boyish. LEt's see...who have that sorta criteria. Eh, how about tobey maguire? He has this boyish appeal...UNTIL..he bloody hell takes his t shirt off. Now that body...totally freakingly..masculine! Wooh! Rahayu loves guys with abs!! Okay, so what if the production management had asked him to whip his ass up for the part of Spider-man. Otherwise, before this he was just some scrawny geek guy..with great acting talents no doubt...but still...scrawny geeky guy. HRm, know what...now I am the one who is all mixed up...what has a hunky body got to do with a boyish or masculine look?!!


ALrite! Let's end this silly argument right here right now. Jake Gyllenhaal is handsome...and masculine...but...narh....I don't really fancy him. I don't quite like his look...like there's something not quite right..I dunno, I think it's his jaws la. But why this sudden confusion when all this while I have cleared him through the immigration gate to my brain? Yeah..that darn Brokeback Mountain. NOw he...looked gorgeous in that movie...which I supposed was the cause of my hot guy radar getting mixed signals from all directions. Tsk, the wizardry of costume and make up department of the movie. I think they had purposely dolled him up to sell the movie. Definitely ang lee's hidden agenda is to make Jake play a character that is swoon-worthy to attract his legion of female fans....heck he was naked in the movie a few times. I guess many of his 'gyllenhaalics' fainted in the movie theaters and came out of it knowing nothing about what Brokeback Mountain was all about.


But, okay...I sheepishly admit I have fallen for.....his blue eyes. Fuwah, I didn't know the power of a guy's puppy eyes until I saw his. Before this I keep thinking like why some girls can be so completely smitten by guys who have those sad longing puppy eyes until they become so powerless. I, for once, understood their state of confusion during that gaze period. Completely mesmerized. I've said before...any straight men would go to bed with him..if he gives that long daze of his sky blue eyes that penetrates any soul with great intensification. I hate you Jake. Hell, I hate myself for that!


*pauses for few seconds*...Okay, so I had to calm myself down for awhile as my imagination went overloaded with images of his blue eyes. Yup, actuallie...I am feeling a tad better today compared to my dreary weekend...onlie perked up by watching jason mraz performances on the net, listening to him on his cd and watching Brokeback. Then as I tot about the impending monday, I went into a total reclusive mode. There was this intense fear...more like..fear of the unknown. Sometimes I tried to identify what made me so fearful and realised that they were pretty ambiguous. Like..how my partner would be like (despite working with her a few times)..how work was going to be in yet another new environment since I work in the field. Basically, tonnes of things. Although when it comes to the actual crunch, I tried to be all positive about it. Like what's the point of dragging your misery...I guess we all do sometimes make a mountain out of a molehill (err..something like that). So, after awhile...I do think that I make such a big deal. But, it's just natural to amplify things up a bit as it makes you mentally prepared. At the same time, mentally and physically weary also. Like my headaches..haha. Man, it's tough to be me.

Sunday, March 19, 2006

Full Circle

I reallie think if people wanna dig live performance music without all the fuss in the background, I'd say Jason Mraz will gladly 'up' a notch for you. I watched his live performances through his website and you should reallie watch them too. They are under the media section. He played live with just his guitar and his friend on the bongo on the stage...i got onlie one thing to say...'flawless'. He simply lives and breathes on music....and his candid nature makes his music easy on the ears. Feeling down? Just listen to 'Life is Wonderful'. It's like things happen because it takes something else to make it happen..just like in a relationship....it takes you no time to fall in love but to know love itself....it takes another few years..as it takes fear to gain you trust. Something like that...like how life is just one full circle..which makes it wonderful in itself.

Aiyah, I can say onlie say that much about him..it's best that you just go and check him out yourself. He has his own 'my space' website...you can check out the songs there but for a more acoustic version, go to his website..hehe. oh by the way the website is http://www.myspace.com/jasonmraz

Right..so I always thought that life is such a drag at times...so redundant....nothing seems to be going well. Whether it is work or family.....I just feel like I wanna be alone and not at anyone's beck and call. And I do wish that people will actually listen to me talk...let me pour my heart out...basically just let me say whatever crap I want..but hey, it's not like I have an active social life or what. But I am not complaining coz I ain't that 'forward' anyway....such as making friends at a snap. So if I can fix it..I fix it....if not, then just let it be and make the best out of it. Don't have people calling me to ask how I am or to simply yak on the fon...then I don't call people either la..hee.. Nolah, just basically do things to occupy my time. Well, in regards to my problems like family problems..I would usually convey to my ex partner back at work. She and I get along very well coz of our easy going nature..I guess...and she lets me be who I am...and ain't critical about me. And she's good at listening like she dont try to butt in what I say...by belittling me such as saying that my problem is peanuts compared to hers..something like that. Look, a problem whether big or small...is still a problem. It's just how to face with it and deal with it. I don't really like people who comments too much...like they are some freakin' gawd damn angels...I mean who are you to say so much about me? What's so freakin perfect about you?!


Look, I don't get that offended easily whatever people wanna say about me....if your opinions are honest and yeah...perhaps I should look at it from other people's point of view...instead of just being so self conscious. Okay, so people make mistakes...I make mistakes too but not all of us are ready to accept that they make mistakes. Even if they do, they may twist the story around and push the blame to others...whom they reckon is the cause of the mistake. Speak for myself, sometimes i try to protect my ass by covering up the mistakes but what ticks me...is when people are just so 'quick' at pointing other people's mistakes...time and time again. I know people will always assume also that they are just saying it coz they are simply concerned. Know what? I thank you for your concern..but it will become MY concern if everything that I do...or many of the things that I do...you raise an eyebrow. It's so freakin' irritating if people are just so 'free' la. Look I know I'm just human so what i do, may not be in the best of interests of other people at times...it just sets us apart. So..big deal! Like hello? Have you done a reality check on yourself recently or you think that you're some sort of model citizen?

I dont know what the f**k my supervisor is trying to do..the young and imbecile f**ker that she is. It didn't mean that she felt that her share of work is heavy, mine is light k? If you don't know the full story....if you refuse to listen to what I have to say...then bloody hell, just shut the f***k up! I was simply so freakin mad at her.....in my absence, she blatantly told her staff consisting of two zones (since my ex supervisor cum friend resigned)...how she had to go up and down to Human Resource dept to settle the project that we did last year. Our project was so cocked up (this was what she said exactly)..compared to the other zone which my friend cum ex supervisor was in charge of. She had no f**kin' idea what the hell the project was about.....she just keep pointing and pointing...and f**kin'ly point out the mistakes...without knowing the background of it. I never said that was the final product..freak...and I told you what the f**kin' problems we had with this project including our supervisor before her who simply never lent a hand or even took a look at our written report except to sign blindly. And also how our team members didn't really chip in any help. And it was hard enough for me to lose sleep and explain the going ons with the team members..like almost everything was offered on a plate. I did ask for idea contributions which I was glad some did response but in case, I was stuck..I prepared in advance. If I don't know what the hell some things are about...I can't explain..so sometimes it takes me hours before I can understand the whole thing. And the f**k she had to say? Our project cocked up...F**k HER!!

If you're not happy, just voice out to me..instead of being non the tactful by announcing to everybody else. Gawd....I had never been so mad...I tried to understand from her point of view as she is pretty new being given this position just two months back. And our ex supervisor wasn't that much of a supervisor as secretly, he had been settling his transfer to another department. But I get mad...because she didn't watch her mouth and became a loudspeaker..she's so freakingly insensitive to other people's feelings...it doesn't take a genius to tell you that belittling other people infront of others without any knowledge of what I had gone through to do this project...will only make people lose respect towards you. I have lost my respect to you...I just have no time entertaining people like her. She also said that she did not nominate anyone for the staff of the quarter award as she didn't find anyone capable enough. Well, guess what woman? Like hell you are capable! We don't care if we're capable or not in your books..we just don't polish your shoes for some quarters. We won't go down that low.

Whatever...I cool off easily. BUt I don't forget that easily either. Things like this..all this finger pointing...all these accusations....without knowing the truth or even refusing to hear what others have to say...i just don't have the time for it la. Like how Jason Mraz describes life as one full circle. Life IS wonderful...it really is....but sometimes we forget to appreciate that. Life can be gloomy at times so if you see how 'happy' and 'shiny' some people are...everytime you see them...do you think they are really THAT happy? Sure they may be genuinely happy...and it shows through them...their hair..their teeth..whatever. But we can't deny that some things are bound to bring grief...sorrow....unhappiness. Sometimes we can get over it through our own capabilities...at times, we need the help of others. Whatever it is, the best that we can do is not to rely on short cuts...they're too risky. It only shows that we are weak. So what if it takes time to get over that gloomy period...as long as we come out of it safely without hurting anyone in the process.

I can onlie seek for people to understand that at this point of time, I am not being quite myself. I try to shake off my blues...and yeah, sometimes I get over it for awhile until it starts to come flooding back again. Sometimes I think that my life is getting meaningless...I don't get appreciated for even the simplest thing I do for myself or the things I do for other people whether I like it or not. But to be reprimanded for the things that I tried to do but not quite the best to some other people or simply making one small mistake, gets me down. At times, I don't quite feel it..like what the hell...but at times, it strikes me hard like how my supervisor criticised the project which I took a lot of effort and sleepless nights..doing..sans guidance. But like I said..some things that happen...which I cannot control...slowly accumulates into a ball..and strikes me hard. At times..I don't know what makes me so gloomy. I try to brush it off....and for awhile, I can bear with it...as long as I live by the motto that if I can't do anything about it, just have to live with it so just gawd damn make it better.

But f**k...it's not that easy. I am slowly trying to live each single day...appreciating that I get to see the light of day till the light flickers to a calm and lonely night. Appreciating that I get to make my day better than the previous day. However weird it sounds, I find solace at night. No disturbances...music playing in the background..me typing furiously at my blog letting go of pent up frustrations or telling people what currently rocks my world. At times, I indulge in some hobby like doing montages. It makes me forget my sorrow by channeling my energy into doing that artwork on my computer. I stay up even longer if want to 'extend' my waking hours...especially on days where I am not looking forward to the next day. Like now.

It helps to just embrace the stillness of night as it makes my sleep more comforting. If I don't feel like playing the computer, I will turn in a bit early but won't sleep immediately but make up dreams in my head like some movie. I get to go on an enchanted trip...as I forget whatever things that make me sad and forlorn. It's just like my soul has left my body for awhile to explore the other dimensions of the world..the world that I have made up.

Well, as long as I am still breathing and still in my healthy form...I must make the best use of my time. And I don't need distractions...people can say what they want to say...make me do what I don't want to do....just as long as I don't suffer physical torture from it, I try to keep my sanity in check. I'll get through this dark period..u'll see. In fact, I start to slowly get ready to face yet another day...after day..and after day. Just don't hurry me...but support me.

p/s: mighty mighty sorry for the profanities used in this entry. I know I don't usually write in tht manner but I was freakin' pissed off. But now I am better..considering I have started to use 'freakin' instead of that word. Okay, see I can't put myelf to typing that vulgar word out...even with asteriks. Haha..im in my normal clean cut mode...guess life IS a full circle.

MR A-Z

Okay, so after this..I wouldn't bombard my blog with snippets from Brokeback Mountain. Actuallie after I wrote that last entry, I did a double take on the ending in my head. It just didnt seem right....I wouldnt think ang lee would have the conclusion like that..as to what really happened to Jack. The truth was...Jack didn't die in an accident. It was more horrific than that...which I didn't want to reveal..as much as I wouldn't want to believe it. Only thing was, Ennis's fear of what actuallie happened to Jack as he listened to Jack's wife giving details of the 'accident' was unfortunately, the truth in itself. The very thing that Ennis tried to protect them both from, which only led to Jack's frustrations and his eventual death, finally caught on one of them but Ennis wasn't involved this time. Only thing left were painful memories behind two bloodied shirts from their fight...and Ennis in tears over his lost love. Throughout the movie, we knew that both of them had loved each other over two decades but in the final scene, we also knew who was the one with the more genuine love towards the other.


Okay...so enough of it already. It's one heck of an epic...though I would still say the middle part right up to Jack's death, was dead boring. Except for their scenes together, the timeline of twenty years was maybe..a bit too farfetched.


Anyhow, i wanted to introduce to you a singer cum songwriter of whom I thought is extremely talented. Jason Mraz!!! Actuallie I did hear of his name everytime I heard any of his songs (though I didn't figure it was him till end of the songs) coz they're so darn catchy with his vocals so crystal clear. They're catchy..like in the sense..pretty much a sing along..at least in the chorus part. Other than that, this guy sings according to his own rhythm....and it doesn't help that he has a glib tongue. So he rolls over some words in his song..like they're some darn tongue twisters..but hey, I find it unique. His new album...has more musical influences than the previous album....which steered more towards the conventional catchy love songs.


However, conventional or not...there is definitely no 'cookie cut' acoustic versions of his songs heard on the radio. Every version is unique....as like I said, he sings each song to his own tune in his head while maintaining its originality. And he didn't even have to rehearse or warm up first! It's just okay..u want this song..and he'll play for you..no questions asked! Without hiccups..anytime of the day...even in the morning (where some people like me haven't got their voice yet)! Okaylah..he was in Singapore very recently..actuallie, on Friday he held a sold out performance. And also the day when I bought the album..hee...Hrm, very different from what I usually hear..like ahem..the Gorillaz although they're pretty similar. Like they don't have a definite category for you to put them in. And Jason's amazing yet easy going vocals...accompanied with his guitar.....give his songs some edgy twist. But if you think that most of his songs will sound like the ones that were given airplay, then you're wrong. Turns out, most of it...are songs which have well written and meaningful lyrics...but the music can be quite a bore. So, I'd say he's more of a songwriter than a composer....till he picks up his guitar and sings his head off...live and uncut. Now that will add on to his resume as a superb live performer.


Anyhow, I tot he'd look like James Blunt...or just some guy with a handsome masculine look like any typical male singers. But when I surfed down to his website....and saw his pictures...i tot wah, so young?!! He has a pretty skinny frame like a teenager who is still growing...and impossibly boyish looks give his impish looking face and clean cut hairstyle. Oh and you know...his website is also a creative outlet for him...and his bio..is not like your typical bio. He doesnt want his bio to be based on his past but on his present and future. So forget about him revealing his date of birth and where he was born..And me..who is hoping that I am not about to like a singer younger than me (haha..so selfish) was relieved...and at the same time...puzzled coz he was in 1977. What the heck? That puts him in his late twenties. He doesn't even look like he is past his teens! Oh well..I guess music gives him youth. Anyway, if you don't believe me...just go this website http://www.jasonmraz.com and listen to his music, watch his videos and stare in disbelief at his boyish looks.


Saturday, March 18, 2006

Ponder

Okay I admit it. I had not reallie watched the movie Brokeback Mountain when I first wrote entries on it except for snippets on the internet although I did read the book. But you know how hollywood works....the movies are always an extension of any original stories and often they are rather fabricated and the leading actors or actresses are usually the ones with the good genes. Okay okay..before anyone throws stones at me for calling Jake Gyllenhaal to be 'not that handsome'...he is lah and im not kidding. But only at certain angles..bwahahaha!! And you think I'll give in easily.


Oh where was i....okay so I finallie watched the movie today though the ending which I wrote in my previous post, was more based on the book and the reviews on the internet. So, there were definitely hiccups like if I ever wrongly misinterpret the storyline. However, I still stand firm on some of the viewpoints I shared in regards to their relationship like them getting acquainted with each other emotionally and physically. They were definitely the highlights of the movie and even if you may grimace a bit in your seat seeing two guys making out, you can't deny that they were clearly in love. So freakin' touching! After the movie, which I did shed a few tears....it did end off on a melodramatic note though clearly it wasn't 100% what the original prose had meant it to be. But I would say that it was a rather....emotional yet comforting ending. Sure, Jack died in an accident on a lonely road...and Ennis didn't get to see him for the last time but to find out the news through a returned postcard marked 'deceased'. Well, whatever it was....it kinda broked the monotony experienced midway through the movie as it moved down the timeline of twenty years since they first met. Sure, there were heartwrenching moments like even almost twenty years, they still could not draw a conclusion to their relationship. Both of them had different viewpoints which resulted in anger and frustration and finger pointing at each other for not knowing how one felt during the long absence. But clearly, they suffered and despite their differing views, they knew they had no place in society....as they broke down and cry while contemplating on their fate.


Although it was a love story with a tragic ending, I wouldn't think that it was tragic after all...if you were to see it in a different light. Sure, their love for each other was only left with memories after Jack's death...but after much thought, I thought that nature, which got them in the fix in the first place, got them out of it too. Wherever Jack was now, he wouldn't suffer anymore. Maybe his early death was a good thing...despite how morbid that sounded. Jack's real family did feel heartwrenched especially his dad of whom Jack couldn't get along in the first place. To know that his dad would like part of his ashes buried in the family plot showed that Jack still had a place in his heart. Jack had also intended that if he ever died, he wanted to be cremated and half his ashes to be scattered along brokeback mountain although his family members including his wife did know where the heck it was.


The movie also ended on a note that Ennis, even though distraught over his death, and his impending loneliness, he wasn't quite alone after all. His daughter of whom were made known to us that she was aware of her dad's sexuality conduct but not necessarily the other way round, did not ostracize her father. She wanted to stay with him and not with the new family after her mum's remarriage. But Ennis probably did not want her to be in his lonesome world and that her new family would give her happiness that he was not able to provide in the first place. It was comforting to know that his daughter still paid him visits and even told him of the good news that she was going to get married. Perhaps to Ennis, he was glad that at least his daughter would have a good life ahead of hers despite what she had gone through as a child with her parents' divorce. For Ennis, we wouldn't know how he would cope along without Jack but the jacket Jack wore during their Brokeback period, hung lovingly on the inside of his cupboard. It was definitely emotional as Ennis teared up as he gazed upon the jacket and a picture of the mountain. But maybe....just maybe......Jack would live through his memories while Ennis no longer had to struggle with the secret. Still, it draws us to ponder on whether this is ever the ending for Ennis as I do not think his sexuality will change overnight or that anyone else behind a forbidden love like them are ever going to have a happy ending. Just look at the present times....and tell me if it has ever changed.

Death by Love

Freakin' freakin sweet....that's how sweet love can be. And it grows stronger the more you try to resist. Yeah, I still haven't quite gotten over the sweet to the max scenes involving the two so-in-love cowboys. You know what, as I read the reviews, one of them did share the same view as me as to whether the cowboys were truly homosexuals before they met. Okay, actuallie i figured one of them is la...coz he had this longing gaze or a pair of eyes that gives a stolen glances at the other cowboy. But the other one, the more serious ennis...was probably drawn into loneliness after he lost his parents in an accident. He did mention about something something...(that guy talks with a frog in his throat)..and that's how he ended up here in brokeback with the sheep. Err..something like that lah...there's the reason why I can't review movies. I sometimes don't understand what the heck they were saying.


BUt! I can truly understand the emotions going through the boys as they were...well...frolicking and giving sweet sweet kisses, their long long gazes and emotional breakdowns just as they tried to be so toughie about it initially. and if you are willing to throw any of your stereotyped viewpoints and see it as one element..which is love...you will somehow understand too. And that made it so freakin' sweet. I tot I wasn't up to it as I believed that I would squirm like no business or when I see those horny clips which I accidentally downloaded from the net. Err..really...u know how misleading some titles can be. Aiyah, put it this way...I even squirm seeing straight people kissing in dramas or movies. Not that I find it disgusting la...but sometimes there's no build up of intensity that make me somehow prepared or understand why they start to kiss and what comes after. And at most times movies just add in the love scenes for the saking of adding in....and that's when I find it rather disgusting la and squirm or look away. Oh, and makes me think how some people are just lacking in love but are onlie damn horny..haha.


But know what....funnie their relationship started off tough. Like do now..contemplate tomorrow..haha. STill,that's what makes some movies special coz they beat the conventionals. Unlike Crash (which by the way won..damn ridiculous man)...who only intensify the racial prejudices that we ALL know are apparent and still in existence so no need to rub it in. Okay, so gay love does exist also la but a majority of us...me guilty of it too....thinks that it's just a form of oppression against their soured relationships with girls or their inability to not give in to their sexual needs with the same gender. But this movie changes my perceptions that I realise that love knows no boundary...but is onlie there to cure us of our loneliness and replace it with happiness. And love...in its pure state....can make one go on a tug of war...between what they actually feel and what is socially right.


Of course, if Jack and Ennis have it their way ....they probably wouldn't mind getting killed if people find out about their sexual misdeeds. It would only mean that love has won the battle...like the cliche 'till death do us part'. When Ennis found out about Jack's death....he thought that it should be him instead although his oppressive side blamed Jack for leading him on and making him . He felt responsible for it but still, if it wasn't for the nightmare seen with his own eyes as a child, I would think he wouldn't give a hoot what the society thinks contrary to what most people would gather.


To me, he tried to protect Jack whose more open and care free life would easily get him..and eventually both of them killed which would end their love prematurely. I guess he wanted this love to go on and to do that, they had to go into hiding behind the luscious brokeback mountain background. On one hand, I am on his side...coz as much as I wanted them to ditch their own families and heck care live together....he did have a point. But on the other hand, his guarded love could have caused Jack's early death whose massive disappointment with Ennis's decision to carry on a 'normal' life led him astray even though he respected his decision.

I dunno....I could be wrong or I am just assuming. Only one thing is confirmed though......to restrain one's love....is to destroy one's life. Argh...so sad!!!!!!

Thursday, March 16, 2006

Attraction

the scene where the two cowboys from brokeback mountain had that physical thing goin' on..in the camp one cold lonely night, has been playing in my mind for a few times. And i shudder just by the thought of it although they didn't kiss yet and jack was onlie beginning to take his jacket off as ennis awaited in a silent approval. hey...not bad, i am getting prettie poetic..ha! okay, my point is...not that i am like you know..all into gay sex or what, curious to see how they share their passion together though it's obvious what goes where and etc..haha. But I shuddered coz it's so darn romantic...and ahem..seeing Jake Gyllenhaal going to do that little deed..i mean any hot blooded men would turn gay just to have him do that to them! Er...still im not that physically attracted to Jake in that way...at least to me coz he aint that handsome la. Frankly speaking, what i like about his acting is his coy eyes....the way they showed disappointment and at the same time excitement as he started to slowly fall in love with the very man he would share a lifelong relationship. ...Oh and also how the lips pursed up like as if they were about to say something but narh....it was no point anyway. Heath Ledger was great too..surprisingly since I tot he ain't that great an actor anyway.....but in this movie, he shone through. He minced and choked on his words as his silent and serious character felt a lot of pain deep inside while trying so hard to keep a serious exterior to hide all those hurt and pain.

Haiz..I am still not sure if I wanted to watch the movie in full length. I wouldn't know how to handle MY emotions also like them...and no..I am not looking forward to some lesbian tinted relationship....what I meant is...I would be so deeply engrossed in its story that I would subconsciously believed that it's so real..it's painful. And they just HAD to make it a tragic love story..double whammy!

Anyway, just wanna share those thoughts with you and hey...spend some time reading up on the short story. It's damn touching..and a bit on the err...lusty side lah..but hey...it is onlie to serve people like me who get bored easily by words unless they sound explicitly sexual..haha..! No lah..but i tell ya the short story carries more pain as it describes their passion and relationship in great details and also their struggle in trying to hide their secret life. Like how ennis's lips bled a bit as they 'let go' years of pent up passion and in just one moment, all of those were released in hungry kisses to the point of accidentally biting the other lips..in a mix of anger and frustrations of waiting for so darn long. Oh by the way....they tried to show this side of strong emotions as the actors got fully emersed playing the story's characters that heath almost broke jake's nose..haha..maybe for the same bloody effect? hey, like i said..jake doesn't quite thrill me. Hell, how come nowadays no hollywood actor seems to be going my way like how matt damon tobey maguire impressed me the last time? somehow, now I onlie tot of that jb benn of mondo magic who thrills me with his small yet firm biceps and lack of height..yet he's not that handsome. Oh no..what's happening to me?!!!

k that's beside the point...alright should end this off...Im going for some reality check to see if I am normal or what. see ya later!

Forbidden

you know what..I don't know if I am up to watching brokeback mountain. I know it's all so hyped up especially after its glorious wins at famous movie festivals that when it fell out to another movie during the oscars, it fell hard. narh, that's beside the point. Let's just take out the multi hype and the multi winnings and let us see the movie point blank. I had always wanted to watch the movie when it was screened here last year as I tot the sypnosis was rather heart wrenching and pretti unusual..two gay cowboys in love with each other only to be living in constant denial and pressured by the social norms.

well...i've always had this thing for love...in its different facets. I don't like the typical gorgeous boy in love with gorgeous girl...yawns..it's about time we face up to reality that not all of us were born with perfect genes. To tell you the truth, I didn't know how big brokeback mountain would be but if no one was moved by its storyline, then....I can't say much. Like how i am SO not into harry potter despite watching two of its instalments (and those decisions were not made by me..). I like clear storylines that are easy to understand...yet are heart wrenching enough or convincing enough to move me and these would only be achieved by clever lines and deep and thoughtful acting.

haha...i don't believe I just said those....coming from someone who used to worship spider-man part one. hey, still that wasn't just some genetically altered college guy who saved the day time and time again with his slick web slinging heroic acts. it was touching....a nerdy guy who had to battle not just the evil doers but his own personal life as he tried to grapple with reality and losing the people he loved in the process. and i can't help but drool also since cutie spidey was played by tobey maguire who oozes...guess what..not sex appeal but great acting talent. he sorta reminded me of jake gylenhaal who played one half of the gay cowboys in brokeback mountain. however, I never reallie watched jake or am so blissfully in love with him just as I had been with tobey. but he did tug at my heart string in the movie...as he tried to face up to reality that no one would accept his sexuality back then in the 60's just when he had dreams of them together with their very own ranch. damn those 60's people...who onlie worshipped james dean.

you remembered back then I was so much into the movie 'sepet'...which was based on a tragic love story between a malay girl who grew up in a middle class family and a chinese boy who struggled to make a living as a pirated vcd seller. Despite their relatively short courtship moments, it was those moments that left a lasting impression on each other as they found comfort in the world of their own.

yet again, this was another tragic love story as one died living behind the fresh scent from his shirt kept intact by the lover. the longing for someone who accepted him for who he was and for giving him true happiness (Err..i wasn't just talking about the sex)...as he struggled to be just like any other men with a wife and kids. In all those 20 years....the intimacy kept alive by their long duration of separation which only fanned the flames of their passion whenever they met each other annually. but they still slipped in and out of denial...yet loving each other to bits despite all the confusions as they let their feeling take over them and then contemplating over what they just did. somebody..kill me! i can't take this anymore!!!

but you know what....the part that affected me the mostest (besides ennis finding out about jack's death)...was the earlier part of their relationship when they had to go their separate ways. they were very much nonchalant about it..except jack...whose eyes gave way that he wanted this relationship so much or that he wanted to forget what they just did in the mountains..(hrm, how appropriate was the location..). Ennis, however, who was the more serious of the two wanted their short affair to end quickly because of a personal encounter during his childhood. He didn't want to end up like the cowboy of the same fate as his, whose life was ended tragically by people who thought he was some freak. No surprise he made the first move in moving away from jack and merely saying 'see ya around' so jack couldn't see how emotionally wrecked he was. He was about to throw his life away marrying a woman of whom his love wasn't as burning as that to jack. I think it was the nature of men lah...to still have their egos intact.....whoever their sexual desire is targetted at..haha..

okay, so that was it. separated...just like that...and us audience or readers of the short story..very much disappointed. I'd say if I was sitting right there in the movie theatre instead of being in the comfort of my own room...I would probably be crying buckets just seeing jack wipe away his single tear as he was driving his truck. Gawd...love can be so painful...can you imagine if there was no continuation to their newly blossomed love for each other?

Still, despite the movie portraying how the cowboys trudged through life by masking their loneliness, their secret love life and seeing how their marriage was slowly failing...I tot more could have been done. I mean...we really felt their characters but it got to a point where it was rather boring as there never seemed to be a development in their love life. It was nothing but struggle struggle and struggle in the other half of the movie as they were put under pressure by the closest parties who were not convinced that their annual gathering was to go fishing. Err...still fishing what...in the present context....like you know, reeling in the bait and then hooking up some big fish...bwahahaha! Okay..not funnie. Anyway, it is after all an adaptation and you know that an adaptation has to stick as much as possible to the original story or the essence would be lost.

Anyway, ang lee did a fantastic job in the movie showcasing the boys emotional turmoil instead of letting the audience sit in just to watch their sexual acts. Down boys!! Hey, this is no gay movie okay..it's a thought provoking movie..that if we take out the gay theme, it is still some bloody good love movie. Sometimes, like how i feel, such as what if deep inside me and another guy have feelings for each other but we each try to suppress those feelings as we go into self denial mode that we can never be good enough for each other. Then as years go by, and other people have caught our attention, it was never long enough for us to maintain them in our minds. We find that we are back to square one with that person but still nothing come out of the friendship bonded only by words and small physical gestures that are silent and last mere seconds. After that, it was though nothing had happened. It was just a few seconds hug...but a hug that carries a thousand words. GAH!...I dunno....love is a funny thing...yet it brings about an array of emotions till we are rendered helpless.

at this point of time, I think being single is a good thing..haha..

Tuesday, March 14, 2006

Depression

i don't know if I had woken up on the right side of the bed..contrary to cliche waking up on the wrong side...but somehow as i opened my eyes (couldn't figure out what time that was)..i suddenly had this thought. FOr days on end, I felt so..err...crummy. Everything seemed to be going downhill. I just didn't know what I was doing..felt so dazed. I felt so hyper sensitive over everything including my mum's daily orders for me to go out buy food or groceries and then me coming back with bags of stuffs. One part of me I don't want to neglect my family but another part, I don't want to waste my time doing things like these. For gawd's sake, I am a daughter and a sister in the family and not some indonesian maid or what. then there was me also entertaining thoughts about work like how shitty it is going to be. My partner of two months and my buddy for the past few years of working in this same department. YOu could say that she is the onlie one who keeps me sane even though she's just like me. She's not too bewildered by our superbly annoying supervisor's tall order to make her do the counselling at some polyclinic for the next 6 months. Where else for me..the thoughts of not having to work with or even see her for those 6 months somehow affected me quite badly. And PLUS! I had to work with a partner whom I am not really too happy about it. I mean I used to remember her working style depends on her mood like if she wants to do this or do that...she would do them but if she didn't want to do something, well happy doing for me.

Anyhow, only last year did I not work with her but with another partner whom I was pretty okay with. Then again, there were some problems which I didn't really address as I wasn't quite bothered with it. I just went by with my loosely put together motto which was to just wrap things up and then go home early. Still, I couldn't be too choosy can i? There is not such thing as a GOd Sent partner. I don't even know if people hate or love working with me. So, how can I even be choosy?

Whatever it was, I wanted to bring myself out of this desperation. I even happened to read an article about depression and felt that maybe I was having this as depression can range from a mild one to an almost uncontrollable one. I figured mine could be because I am just so clouded by thoughts of work and how difficult it is going to be especially working with other people who are already half hearted being stuck in this same profession. Also, knowing that for the next four months, I will have to travel far beyond my comfort zone to the other side of sunny singapore. Cringe..cringe..cringe!

Yeah, so like I said earlier, I woke up monday morning suddenly thinking that hey....I don't want to be sad anymore. For me, no point thinking about it. Just adopt a 'dont care' attitude. Whether or not she wants to work, not my problem. If I can do it within my abilities, just do it. More importantly is that once work is completed, I want to go home in peace. Then earlier on, I was so damn desperate to get a new job by updating my resumes and sending out to a few potential employers. But right now, when I thought about it, I didn't think that it is a bad thing to seek for new job opportunities. It is just a matter of change and also I get to work in a hopefully better environment where staff welfare is still a top concern. Not like right now where what they say we have to follow strictly and any other opinions are worth voicing out but not without any criticisms like as if our opinions are worthless. They give us space to talk but that's about it...talk without any promises of a solution or talk so that the environment is more 'lively' so that we won't breathe in stale air.

Whatever. Just as I was holding to desperation the other time, I felt a bit more relaxed like okay....fine if I don't get it. mighty fine la if I could clinch an interview but if not, then don't fret over it. I'll just continue on..or look for other job opportunities.

Then sometimes I realise that the more negatively I tot about something, the worse I feel. Life is short, ain't it? What's the point of thinking about stuffs that will only put an upside down smile on your face? Sometimes, we think that things are going to be ugly and scary..like venturing into some unknown jungle and then meeting some half naked cannibals who have never eaten for days...and there I am waiting to be mauled.

But once it finally happened, I tot..hey it wasn't as bad as I expected it to be like I tot working under some other person beside my partner would be too much to bear. I mean, like I said....some people just dont have this positive vibe in them anymore or they just simply not happy they had to travel so far to my zone for work. It's like I just stole their favourite bolster. I mean I tried to be as understanding as I can helping them along the way to make them feel 'welcomed'. I tried to make little conversations with them which met with monotonous answers or even silence like I was talking to myself. BUt hey, I really had no hard feelings. I could onlie listen to their personal agony of travelling so far for the next few days for my partner's coverage.

Then, with my undying patience (haha...like real) and my ever helpful gestures towards them so that they wouldn't feel like a stranger when with me...won them over a bit. They started to joke a bit and we were getting along just fine. Then okay, my day felt a bit better end of the day even though I would still cringe to go to work next day. But what matters most is that I don't go home with work problems.

Slap anyone who asks you to just snap out of it and wake up to reality. Nobody asked to be in this fix anyway just like how many people would say 'why me?' as if they are the onlie human beings on earth so naturally, any life threatening illnesses will go to them. TOuch wood.

It may take time before we can finally stand on our own two feet but I think that it's not just a matter of snapping the fingers and then poof! You are problem-free or worry-free. That's a sick joke. We're not hiding some miracle cure in our soul that will be released once we snap our fingers. So things may take time..then let it be la....why force yourself? Important thing is that, we try. Like okay, I am not in favour with my current supervisor who doesn't quite understand our work flow well enough to understand us. But her youth and relatively new working life as a supervisor seem to put pressure on all of us as she lacks the impatience and humility of the seasoned ones. Like if she wants things done now or done her way, she wants it like that..no if's and no but's even as we seek her understanding when we couldn't comply with her.

We are not trying to make life difficult for her...as what she once proclaimed...but this is our workflow. We couldn't abandon or hurry our work in the field so that we would comply with her instruction to go back office asap apparently to do some unfinished work or last minute training. But to her...she didn't really see what was the big deal behind our field work that we couldn't go back office at her stated date or time or both.

I don't know...I mean yeah nobody likes to let things 'hanging' either..but neither do we like to just give some slapstick shitty work which in the end, we have to be answerable for and not her if mistakes are made. Like I just find her super annoying but at the same time, I know her lack of experience and training make up the percentage of her super annoyance. Still, can't she sometimes use her brains and see other people's viewpoints at times. You can't be so damn freakin' rigid. That's the quickest way to die or lost points with your staff. She is definitely high on my super annoying people list.

The onlie thing I could think positively about her is that she doesn't flinch if she has to come down at times to do our work if our zone is short of staff. She's killing me with her constant calls and sms-es...haiz...don't everytime call and call la....i have a life you know. I mean..please la....sunday is not a working day for me and how can you..at 10.30am in the morning, had the nerves to sms me to email the additions to some two page report she briefed to me last friday...latest by afternoon. ON A DAMN SUNDAY...she HAD to sms me in such a manner..ppfft...'latest by afternoon'....ppftt..go away, i'm too busie throwing darts at the picture of your face.

Right...calm down rahayu....have to constantly remind myself that she is still untrained as a supervisor...relatively new (though still bloody annoying and irritating)...to realise that the last thing she should do is to plead to us whenever we have difficulties conforming to her requests. It is not that we cannot but we seek that she learns to be more compromising and understanding. That's all..we're practically fuss-free la. I know that I doubt she likes us that much either coz I figured that maybe she's thinking we're difficult to work with or what...but we can't be entertaining her all the time too like some spoilt child.

Haiz...again..whatever...just don't give me some stupid tall order on a sunday and then calling me in the evening to shoot me condemning questions regarding the project I did with the group. Hello..friendly reminder..the last time I checked, I DON'T work on Sundays.

So yeah....I am determined not to let my life sink into depression and I fully accept the fact that it's ok if I don't feel alright instantly. Also, if some things don't work out as planned, then it's ok. More importantly, is to learn from our mistakes or to make do with what we have to our best abilities. Like my father's fund, no doubt we don't have as much as we did the last time though I tried my very best to sustain it. But I can't control my mum's spending habits or her temper if I tell her not to overspend. Sometimes she's really the sort who drives me up the wall...Still, I am still quite satisfied that in a way, it has not dwindled to merely a couple of zero's.

Like I've explained before, if I can't fully control her, at the very least I can control myself coz previously, due to my over-enthusiasm..i kinda overspent a bit..Hee. But I have mellowed a lot. Even amidst my mild depression days, I did a lot of thinking. I thought about my father...who has to struggle in keeping his diabetes in check and have laser treatment for his eye condition every week. Then I also think about how much he treasures his fund not just for own sake but for ours. I felt really horrible even though before that taxi ride where I mentioned about wanting to continue my studies, I already wanted to start 'afresh'. Horrible in a sense that the fund which we got last August and some time in January wasn't that much as before though I would say...still in an okay range. But my mum argued that the amount she spent was almost equal to the money she had used up for the house payments deducted from her cpf. It was her rights. So, then again, I tot..k...so she had a point there.

Haiz..so it is back to me again, eh? I made a promise to myself to save up double of what I tried to save every month last year. This is definitely a huge huge challenge as after deducting my mum's share of my salary and also the bills which I have to foot, I am not left with that much. Still, can survive la but need to sacrifice. Well, okayla...maybe the time when we got some money from our share profits, was also during the sales season. I was glad that I got clothes that I would only touch or just see-see but never buy previously. So yeah...to me..things like clothes and shoes...I can survive NOT buying them anymore for the next few months. Only thing left is just for food and transport. Whatever la...as long as I have set aside some for savings.

I want to be an independent young woman..not one who goes on living without a clue. I want to have a secure future...and Im sure a lot of other women share this same thought as me. Right now, I dont want to dwell on the past....what I know is that I tried my best. Only thing left to do now is to think about the future..mine and my family. That's worth sacrificing not buying new clothes and new shoes.

Saturday, March 11, 2006

CSI Love

im shuddering over the thoughts of watching the Season 4 of CSI:Miami when it comes on in AXN maybe like in april or later. seriously shuddering.

call me lame or what but don't you just hate it when the character that you likes find someone to love? even when she is the elder sister of one his charges who has only months to live before dying from cancer and then in between, she took drugs to relief her pain and her cancer support group. She was being placed under arrest after one of the leads from an ongoing investigation and even though she didn't intend to profit from the drug distributions, she needed to clear her name. And yes..guess who is there to save the day? LT Horatio Caine..obviously. MRS H CAINE is not happy here! I spent the entire night doing this blog layout dedicating this whole thing to him and his team and he just HAD to date a dying woman to spite me.

what have I done?!!

still...Im quite happy over the fact that maybe the producers know that this charming David Caruso does have his fair share of female fans. Hiring someone to be his permanent love interest just won't do the job. So it's just like 'touch and go'. I have not seen this latest woman yet...but the last one, who turned out to ruffle his feathers a bit, that led her to disappearing to nowhere..(ha!)..was quite a stunner.

oh well....i can recuperate fast.

Thursday, March 09, 2006

Boo BOo

Okay..so i got a new layout. BUt damn it..remind me to have a concrete plan written down first before I get 'oh so excited' over the prospect of a new blog layout!!!

Seelah..have to do all over again coz I did a boo-boo. If not it's all ready. more than 4 hours, you know...4 damn hours of lousy time WASTED trying to correct my mistake..and what did i get in the end? nothing..just the contents up.

Haiz...but this time I will make sure i have the layout written down like a map. Geez....

Monday, March 06, 2006

In Memory Of..

I have been going through an emotional turmoil especially when relating to my job and studies but right now, once I psychoed myself into thinking that no one can change my life..but me...I feel a little better. I began to take actions which I hope, will help me out in big ways to make my life more meaningful. Well, I got onlie one life and what better way but to live it like how you want it to be lived...at times, I felt that I am stagnant..going nowhere....merely being like a 'maid' to my family members especially my mum and brother. I didn't want to eat that much anymore even though I told myself not to panic if I ever gain a kg..which I did last week after trying to lose that last 1 kg weight gain.

But that sense of calmness made the turn of the worst in me as I started to 'binge'...like eat whatever I want...when I please...and I felt like I kinda lost control as I saw that I put yet another 0.5kg in just a matter of days. However, I took charge quickly and had to put a strict control over my diet over the weekend. I didn't know how much it had helped me as I had yet to weigh myself at work but I feel better now..hee..although I kinda took it to the extreme the last few hours before I write this. Anyhow, tell ya later.

Actually, I would like to offer my deepest condolensces to the family of the little girl who was found to be missing the last few days only to discover her lifeless body yesterday. I just read the article in the newspaper regarding the lost girl and I couldn't imagine how the girl was going to survive being only two years old in this big big world. My heart really went to the ailing grandparents and great grandmother who were very very concerned about her whereabouts and who never stopped searching for her despite their old age. Day and night, they looked for her everywhere they could with the help of neighbours from their vicinity as well as volunteers.

My life would have been on a standstill too if I lost a dear one wondering non stop how is she....where is she......and I doubt I could sleep either without thinking where she is going to sleep. Even as adults, I struggle going through life but being a two year old who is still clueless about the dangers out there, I felt really bad for her and wished that they would find her as soon as possible.

But while I was on my exercise stepper machine and watching the news at the same time, initially I tot that it was a piece of good news when the newsreader opened the topic on her. However, it wasn't good news at all. It was horrifying. My heart was crying and angry at the same time knowing that she had been murdered and her clothless almost rotting body had been buried with dead leaves and rubbish. The murderer took pains in hiding her body by 'stuffing' her at the lowest end of the flyover bridge where anybody could not have possibly found her. She was never meant to be found but the suspect, her step father, could have given the leads to the police on where the body was.

I don't wish to comment much about her parents, of whom her mother was a 22 year old and her father a 23 year old. They were divorced last year and apparently her real father had not seen her since last december. Her step father, the 30 year old suspect, did not take care of her and lived in a separate flat though within the same neighbourhood. The news stated that all this while, she had been taken care of by her grandparents.

I really am not proud of what has happened and even though personally, I am not that good with kids, I feel a great pity for them especially if they have to bear all the hurt and pain. I do hope all young parents out there, please have great considerations for your children. Even as we're young and have the need to still go out there and enjoy our hearts out, think about the family. In life, we need to balance out sometimes and we can't be thinking about ourselves all the time. Even myself, I am not a parent but I am still not short of family commitments. At times, sure I do feel like a maid, like earlier on I had to go to the same eating place 3 times just to satisfy their hunger needs. I feel like crying sometimes because I don't feel like a daughter or a sister. I felt used as if I got no feelings of my own.

But I just went and go ahead with it...listening to music in my handphone to shut out the world and my burden. You could say it was a matter of speed too as I ordered quickly (even though at times they make take ages to prepare) get the stuffs and get out fast. After that I know I would get some 'me' time by watching some funny tv programme or by surfing the net and forgotten all about the fuss in my head just now.

Maybe many of the young parents, who might not have planned to have children initially, only to have them later, felt that they got so much going on for them. When we make mistakes, at times we can try to cover them up and move on. But if the mistakes made produce a baby who slowly grows up to be a child, we can't let that poor child like that on his or her own. They have been granted a life and even if we think that our future has been shortlived, due to our carelessness, they shouldn't suffer the same fate as us. Treat them well as these little human beings are still full of innocence and who learn through mimicking people's actions.

When my little cousin is starting to show her tantrums and her fierceness to her mother, my mother thought that she was starting to show psychological problems. But I told her because she learnt from her own mother who spends most times on the phone calling anyone she can get hold of to simply talk and talk. Being full of curiosity, children are bound to fall, knock their heads or scrap their knees in the process of learning. Sure, we can scold them if they are naughty but if they are trying to catch our attention after ignoring them for so long, who wouldn't show tantrums? No child feels comfortable wearing a diaper fully soaked with pee while the mum is there yakking and yakking away...and then you scold the child for throwing tantrums...Haiz..

Anyway back to the case, I don't want to accuse the parents or stepfather of anything and whether whatever I have said above is applicable to them. But I really feel bad knowing that children can be so innocent even though at times they are like these little devils and at times, I am ashamed of myself for being so down and out. It's like, why not we see things in a different light, discovering the little wonders the world has to offer, without being bogged down so much with unnecessary stress. Sometimes, we stress ourselves so much thinking about things that have not even occurred that we fail to see that it is sometimes not a big deal after all.

I have been granted so many years of living on earth and even though we don't know when we will go, we can't be anticipating that day to come right? I know sometimes I toy with the idea of just going by each day as it presented itself in a monotonous fashion. I even secretly wished that I would be sick so that I don't have to come to work or be really sick that I end up in hospital so my family knows how it is like when I am not around. But why think in that manner when we ourselves are not making the necessary changes that at times, may turn our lives around? So we made a mistake...like I made the mistake of wasting my dad's money on a foiled education plan. I was put off by studies for a few years because of financial problems but hey....I tot that if I can sacrifice a bit here and there, and think in a smaller scale...then I can well be on my way to my studies.

Right now, there is a high probability that I may be taking the advanced diploma in Business Studies quite soon which can grant me an entry to the London External Programme if I pass with credits. And it doesn't quite cost a bomb like the university degree. Of course, I would very much want to obtain a degree but if the time is not right, I can wait. It's better than waiting for the sky to fall right?

In terms of my career, I seriously think that I am going nowhere and even though I had originally planned on not to change job this year, I felt that I am no longer up to it. My close colleague has just been transferred to the polyclinic on attachment for 6 months and I have been partnered with this colleague who works according to her mood swings. I know previously, I managed to shut my emotions out whenever she didn't feel like doing this or that...and just carried on some things supposed to be done by her instead. If I told her to do or point out her mistakes on paper, she put on this black face but I have to look out for myself at times too. But right now, I just don't know how long I can put up with her again.

Anyhow, I am also thinking that my department is being run by the management who thinks nothing of staff welfare. I can't imagine that for the next four months starting from April, I have to travel out of my east zone to south zone which can take me to far places like holland and dover. I know it sounds 'exciting' travelling beyond our 'comfort zone' and that change can do us good at times. But why should I be engaging in this when in the end, it is going to benefit the one who created this 'brain child' who chided us with sarcastic remarks when some of us brought up the issue of having to wake up damn early as the places are damn far now.

Also, if travelling exp can be claimed in full, hey I wouldn't mind. But getting an amount less than a week's worth of travel is not THAT worth it. She said that we're lucky we can claim unlike them. Hello? You drive okay? We take public transport. How would YOU know about the morning crowd from point A to point B?

Whatever it is, as I looked through the classifieds yesterday, I found several suitable posts that I had been aiming for. I don't know if this is a sign but whatever it is, I finally muttered the courage to just give it a go. Previously, I would at least apply for one or two posts in a year but now I am determined to just try as many as I can cope. I think 3 years of doing the same thing is enough and even my own fav ex supervisor took the express route of resigning and leaving within 3 days.

He worked so hard since the beginning of this programme and what did he get? No promotions for the last few years including this year and no bonus and no increment. All because our superior who actually had not been in office almost everyday but to attend meetings else where had the cheek to report him to the director claiming he did no such work.

Doesn't she know that he stays back past 7pm doing not just work relating to our department but for other commitees which he took on responsibilities nobody wanted to take. Even my close colleague, who never cried when one by one our other close colleagues started to leave, cried on the phone when talking to him asking why the sudden leave?

Just now, I didn't exactly say that I wanted to leave but I only said that things are not looking up for me in this department. Neither will I get any chances of transfer or upgrading so why stay in a place that doesn't recognise our efforts but is only concerned for their own recognition and eventual promotion while making the small fries like me suffer. The last time they would consider our feelings but now it is just work, work and work.

The little girl may have lost her life at such a young age to someone of extreme cruelty. But I hope she knows that she has been the inspiration for people like me to make the best of what we have or about to have. While she was still living, even though her grandparents are very poor and living on people's kindness in their small flat, her smile in the picture showed that in whatever conditions we are in, we must be happy for what has been granted to us. REST IN PEACE LITTLE GIRL. MAY GOD PROTECT YOUR SOUL.

Long Weekend, A Little Rambling & My Lack of Gratitude

The day I discover IG filters It's almost mid week to August..argh. I am in the midst of a long weekend, which sadly will come to ...