Sunday, June 28, 2009

Little Critter

I know that this is gonna be laughable but I just added stingrays as one of the animals that I fear most. Not fear as in I fear that the animal is gonna eat me up but fear of the undescribable sort that sets of the squeamish trigger in me. I had the priviledge of going to the Underwater World at Sentosa after THE LONGEST TIME and it was a fun experience...after getting a mini shock and getting myself wet after I took my arm out in a hurry when a tiny fish (smaller than a size of my pinkie) accidentally bumped into my arm while swimming. And then I went to another touch pool where a few of very friendly stingrays who were having the time of their lives scaring the heck out of children by swimming and flapping at the edge of the pool. They were so friendly that one of the visitors actually could lift one out though still half submerged inside the pool and the animal didnt even struggle. While taking a pic, her friend was jokingly saying that she cant take it home.

I seriously did not know why am I so scared of these cute creatures swimming and minding their own business in the pool. Maybe coz I fear of one of my fingers will get bitten off? Or maybe coz they are so frickin' slimy? Nobody knows...

But then, come to think of it, I kinda regret not touching those little critters. But narh, just thinking of it sends little shivers down my spine.

Come to think of it, how many things in life that we have a fear of doing without knowing what it really is going to be like? We are afraid of leaving our comfort zone because we do not what is there for us and whether we are able to survive through it all. To me, life does not follow a set of rules and regulations. There are stretches of road that lead to one adventure to another. It's just a matter of whether we want to go or stay where we are. Surely there will be times where we turn to a wrong direction but it does not mean that it is the end of the road for us.

Touching that little critter could be one heck of an adventure. How often can you pat the head of a stingray? I meant a live one..not the one u see at the market. Oh well..

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My Stingy Habit

Yesterday, could have been my father's birthday if he had survived his medical ordeal but sometimes, things weren't meant to be and as upsetting as it was to see him go, no one could bear to see him suffer anymore. If you read my earlier posts back then when my father had not been hospitalized yet, I wrote about my mum who kept finding faults with my father. And now that he is really gone, she keeps harping on the good side of him. She likes to talk about how my father used to buy the family food and even in his weak state, he still travelled to buy the food for the family to eat.

Now, she is upset with me because she said that I was so unlike my father. I am very calculative over food prices and would rather not buy for myself in order to save money if I buy for them food.

Look, I dont like to argue with my mother because it will always be a losing battle for me. She gets upset very easily like if I dont get what she wants exactly or I forget to buy for her something that it's really no point trying to protect myself. True, sometimes I am pretty harsh to myself and would rather eat just bread for breakfast and lunch even just to avoid spending money on lunch.

It's not that I am very restrictive with my budget but it is because I have no choice. I am the sole breadwinner of the family with my measly income which is only left a little after I deduct bill payments and my mother's monthly share of my pay. My colleagues can afford to buy lunch every day because they dont have to buy groceries like me every single day and buy snacks for them on weekdays followed by breakfast and lunch on weekends. Some days I spend a bit on groceries and sometimes, I may spend more than ten dollars if there are many things to get. I only get my salary once a month and then from there, you can do the maths.

I know you can say why not I bring this up to my mother so she knows my share of hardship in order to bring to her nice food to the table or even the basic necessities. My mum's stubbornness will not do any justice to me and she will even ask me to keep quiet so she can just heap lots of criticism on me like I deserve to be reprimanded.

She asked me why I must think in advance like planning to have money for the next few days or weks. People want to eat now and not think what they want to eat tomorrow or the next day. Thats what she says but later, who will play the blame game if we are short of money? It's her. Like I got nothing better to do than to squander all the money for myself and then she will make herself so worried because she doesnt know how we are going to survive because of the lack of money.

So I just let it be. Of course it hurts to have abusive words hurled at you when you, on the other hand, is trying your darnest best to keep the family together and to make sure that not only do they have food on the table, there is also water and electricity supply in the house. But that's life. No matter how much good you are trying to do, people will always try ways and means to make you look bad.

Later on, my family has to go to the Muslim court in order to go to a hearing regarding the inheritance left by my late father. According to the Muslim laws, the male in the family will get more and that male will be my brother. My mum wants him to share the money with her and that's fine by me. All I am asking for is that they dont use the money too freely because I have lived with my mother long enough to know if she wants to buy something, she will buy something. One good thing is that she does not spend on luxuries for herself anymore and will buy only things for the family. Namely, er..household items or even the kinds of food that I do not agree on buying because I think they are really unnecessary and pricey.

She also said if she gets her share of money, she does not want to spend money on me either because I am so stingy with mine that I dont buy for them food if they request especially if it's expensive in my terms. So recently, the McDonalds breakfast or KFC breakfast that I bought for them this weekend, the two packets of dinner food I bought last Thursday, I paid with what...dried leaves?

Seriously, like I said earlier on, fine with me if she wants to impose some dumb ol' shit like that on me about my stinginess and how that is going to be my downfall one day. If they think they can survive on their own with their share of money, go ahead.

But just remember. Whenever she uses up her share of money so quickly whenever I get my pay or let's say, by any other means that she gets her money, who does she rely on after that? It's me. You tell me now, can I afford to splurge on myself, or even splurge on them when later, the responsibility will lie on me whenever her money dries up?

So once I get my share of inheritance, it's not going to be an all ho yay moment for me. Eventually, the same thing will happen and then they will start relying on me to keep the family going without relying on monetary help from other people.

But I am not going to hold it against them. They are after all still my family even with all their shortcomings. I just wish that my mum will not be so selfish as to think about herself only and that the things I do, no matter how extreme she thinks I can be, is eventually for their own good too.

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Sunday, June 21, 2009

Broken Pieces

Sorrie I went on a hiatus coz I have been talking about you dad. How he was so sick and I was so upset. Even though I dont cry as much as I did before, but there is never a passing day or even moment that I dont think of him. I dont go as far as back as the days when he was still not as sick as he was in the hospital but I kept recalling his last days. It was pure torture seeing him in that condition. I took pics of him in that condition as well as when he was better and then got ill again..and so forth..not so much coz I was delusional but because I wanted to remember him and also to show my mum who sometimes did not visit him.

However, now I could not even look at them coz it will be too depressing. I just cant help thinking how is he doing in his after life. I guess I watched too many of that ghost whisperer episodes and I hope he is not a wandering spirit and that he is in good company of his late parents.

For now, how am I doing? Frankly speaking, Im pretty lost in my directions in life. I not what to do. Im supposed to clean my room, I didnt. Instead, I find my 'escape' in the world of online games because it keeps my mind occupied. But its not doing anything for me. Im supposed to pick up the pieces that I have left before my father got sick. Right now, I just do not know where to start.

Has this ever happened to you? You just dont know what to do in your life after you come out of depression or in my case, an emotional period? Life suddenly has lost its meaning.

But dont worrie...I will slowly learn to get a hold of myself and hopefully, in my next entry, I can write stories of little achievements. I think getting this blog going with this entry will be considered as a good first step :)

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Tuesday, June 09, 2009

Turn up the Crank

I am back at work now since yesterday. I have stopped crying days ago but I still think of my dad all the time no matter what I am doing. I just cant believe that he is gone and will no longer be around. My mum still talks about him and instead of talking bad about him, she tells stories of the good things that my father had said or done. At times, she would be rather emotional and it gets me too because it also tells me that deep deep deep down inside, she does love him despite her heavy criticism of him.

However, my mum's crankiness has been a concern for me and my brother. She hasnt been feeling well since last week ever since her flu and fainting spells that makes her rather weak. Plus she refused to go to the doctor and still carried the guilt that she was the one who persuaded my father to go to the hospital to receive treatment when he got weak and unable to get up.

My mum is used to doing things her way and because she cant do much work without feeling faint again, her helplessness makes her very cranky that she can scold and nag her way like there's no end to it. It is very frustrating for me because here I am in grief and there she is making so much noise with her frequent bursts of outrage while I have been trying to be very patient with her just like how my father had been.

Sigh...let's just hope things will get better soon. Or rather, SHE will get better soon.

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Thursday, June 04, 2009

An Emotional Passing

After a long while of hoping and praying my father would recover soon, it had came to a point that he could not be saved anymore because his vital organs were failing. I already told myself that if the doctors were to say that they had tried their best, I would then slowly accept the fact that I had to learn to let my father go. The lady doctor was kind enough to advise me and let me know that I had done my best as a daughter and it was time to learn to let go and when she said words like that, I was so saddened by it that I could not control my tears at my workplace. I had wonderful colleagues who helped me through the tough times and covering my duties and they let me go early even without myself telling the words.

It was such a grim thing to do that when my father was dying in the hospital, I was busy cleaning the house especially his room and the living room and throwing a lot of things of which some of them were his things. My father was a keeper and some things were just too painful to keep as memories. But in case you think I was cold hearted, I kept his sandals outside and every time I went out to throw the rubbish, it reminded me of him and it was already too painful.

My hospital kept calling me to come and see my father and inform the immediate family members. His blood pressure was getting lower and then the third call, they asked me to come down immediately and I ate a bit and I rushed off quickly.

I spent my whole day there even though at some point, they kept ushering me out because they wanted to check him and god knows what else they did. But when I came before that, and he was unconscious but still breathing, I was in tears as I told him that I loved him, to forgive me for my sins, my brother's sins, and my mother's sins. I told him too that I forgive all his sins and I am so sorry for not taking good care of him. I dont know if he could hear me but I just said those words to at least bring relief to myself and wanted to spend time with him on his last day.

I said some prayers and I got a bit upset coz I was so lousy at reading the prayer book that I gave up halfway and said other prayers that I know of and would still be of benefit to him. I whispered in his ears some prayers too but my father was a strong man. He had been sick for the longest time and he kept his illness to himself until we always had to keep on persuading him to see the doctor.

After being ushered out a few times, when I came back yet another time again, I realised that he had stopped breathing. I tried to feel the pulse but it was still there though it was very weak. The nurses didnt seem to do anything and in my heart, I was like thinking if they could help check my father to see if he had passed away. Instead, I took that opportunity to spend a bit more time with him, whether he was still alive or not, by holding his hand, stroking his face, lifting his head so he would lie down more comfortably. I thought that I wouldnt get the chance to do this anymore, be able to touch him and show him how much I care for him.

I laid my head on the side of his bed post holding his hand and telling myself that no matter what, in the event they certify him dead, it was only for his best because when he was unconcsiouc a few times, I told him that I dont want him to suffer anymore. Even as he laid down on his bed not breathing anymore, I told him to rest as there would be no more suffering. When I first came to see him at about 3pm, I said I was willing to let him go. I said I was very sad that he was sick and he had to go through so much pain. It hurts so much to say those words and previously, I could not say those words out verbally but I tried to be strong and whispered those words to him because I dont know if I am able to say them anymore if he was gone.

The final check when the nurses came with machines and stuff coz one of them suspected that he might have passed away, they ushered me out again. I sat on the chair beside the curtain telling myself that I have to accept the fact that my father is gone.

They didnt tell me anything and when my aunt came, one of them was telling her softly and then after a short while later, my aunt asked if I knew my father was gone.

In actual fact, as my aunt retold the story to my mum, apparently the nurses did not have the courage to tell me because they said they knew I was very sad already when I came and sat down beside him resting my head on the side bar of the bed. They just could not bear to break the news to me and told my aunt to tell me instead.

Because my father spend more than a month in that ward, they knew my father even though he did not really talk to them and they knew I came all the time. So when he passed away, some of them stood by his bed side for some time looking very sad as well.

I guess God wanted to help me too as I was alone at that time and would not know what to do in this event and I supposed that was how my aunt came at the time he was certified dead. My aunt helped to organize and even though she was not so sure about it too, she called her daughter who was an ex nurse and also called my uncle to come down.

And then Rasool came even though I didnt ask her too and she accompanied me throughout including going to A&E to make the certificate of death. Only God knows I needed moral support more than anything else during such times.

Yesterday after my father's burial, my aunt kept telling me to keep the extended family ties together because we can rely on one another if I need help. My family has gone through so much and even though I dont shun on family ties, to me if Im desperate for help, I will turn to anyone as long as they are sincere in providing the help needed. My colleagues, ex colleagues and friends have been very supportive not just in terms of emotional support but financial support too. It's not that we dont ask for help from the family members, but when we ask them, they have their excuses too. So to me, whats the point. Help can come from anyone. They dont have to be related by family ties.

That aside, frankly speaking, I am not angry with God for taking my father's life away. I know other people may especially if they have been praying hard every single waking hour praying for miracles to happen. Like what a friend says, there is no right or wrong answer. I also believe that, everything happens for a reason. I was also plagued with anticipated problems like my late father's long term dialysis plan, his rehabilitation coz he was no longer strong and especially financial problems because medical costs are not cheap. I also had to think of my other family members like how was I going to feed them when right now I am struggling myself.

God does not only love my father but he loves me too. So dont ever ever think that God does not love you. In turn, please love Him back. Though I am saddened by my father's death, it does brought a peace of mind to me as he no longer has to suffer.

My late father was often misunderstood because he was a very quiet man. My mum often throw hissing fits at him, wishing that my father would..u she would freedom because she kept saying she regret marrying my father. He had so much patience all these years with my mum's constant verbal abuse.

But my mum regretted everything she said and every time she recalled my father's words or my father's actions, she would also cry because she realised that my father was a good man who put others before himself and would often want to pay back in kindness to other people who had offered help to us whether in terms of money or other things. She said that she sinned a lot towards my father and only I was devoid of sins because I helped to take care of him and because I loved him so much.

Dear God, please put my father among the many good men and may God bless his soul. Amin.

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Long Weekend, A Little Rambling & My Lack of Gratitude

The day I discover IG filters It's almost mid week to August..argh. I am in the midst of a long weekend, which sadly will come to ...