Monday, January 30, 2006

Sideview

After watching the american top model for like so many times alreadi...sometimes they do give some pointers in regards to phototaking. but they dont have chubby cheeks like me and my high cheek bones are non existent. Still, it's quite a great photography technique if you could thrust ur chin out a bit to give the illusion of a elongated cheekbone.

here..let me demonstrate!

These were just taken in this morning as I was pondering into the mirror and trying to camouflage my chubby cheeks:

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This is another take but like no difference like that..heh...
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ANYHOW...
What I hate most is when my photos are taken when I am not aware of it. Okay, if i turn out perfect for every photo, that's fine. but for someone who has lived with a chubby neck all this while....it takes a long time before I can perfect that 'see ma! no double chin!'
This was taken in my last bdae in 2005..yupz..hate it..but no, I don't blame the photographer lah..it was supposed to be a candid shot of me when opening the gifts. You know what..I have all the appreciation in the world for them..for liking me even with all my fats in gloRy..haha...I love u guys!
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Well, there is yet another photography technique..the shoulders jutting out which accompanies the chin out..err...look...or whatever they call it lah!.. Havent taken photos for that yet lah...one can onlie take so much..hehe..

Before and After

Man...when I looked at my past photos in 2002 to 2003 when i had the most weight gain, I felt so err...disgusting. I mean..why cant a girl look pretty AND slim at the same time? heh..I can't pride myself on being slim now even, but I guess thank gawd I changed my vision in regards to how I wanna look. Actuallie, at the end of the day, it's not about how many guys you can attract, but how you feel about urself. I certainly didn't pride myself on being THAT size..but right now, even though I have reduced some weight..but the journey is still long and far ahead.

Guess the photo scrapbooking is doing me justice and injustice. Coz I can actually how i got bigger and bigger....Hey, let me go through the past with you with some snapshots i took from my album and the shots this year.


2002



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2003
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Bdae in 2005

Okay, in midst of 2005 i started going to the gym..but somehow, nearer to the biggest day of my life..at least for that year....i got sick and gained back the weight i lost..GAH!

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end of 2005

I didn't give up and I worked extra harder and out of the blue..I slowly could fit in clothes from certain labels i tot I would never ever fill. Yay..no more frumpy 'auntie' clotheS!

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2006 (Present)

Okay, so I noticed a few changes but like I said, long journey ahead! but Im not about to give up!

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Haiz..it's embarassing seeing ur friends ALWAYS being smaller than you are..but you know what, every person is an individual. Shall focus more on me than them..ha!

So, definitely one of my main resolution for this year besides *cough* taking driving lessons *cough*...is losing yet another 10kg...woot! bloody boring but what to do..part of my life..haha..

Here's a picture of me..pondering what I should do to achieve my target for 2006. Actually, my friend was just trying out my rather new camera phone. She got a 'fetish' for 'natural looks'..heh...Gosh, the things I do when my new layout for this bloG went out of alignment...which cancelled my plan of putting it up. Luckie i got a last minute brain wave to put pictures up instead.

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Wish Me Luck Again!

Sunday, January 29, 2006

Part Time Maid

hi..!

sometimes it is difficult for me to just go all out without any strings attached..it's not like I have a bad case of disappearing without telling anyone or having any probs with my family. but it does feel odd that in just 3 hours, my mum would have made call after call...just to make sure that I get pressurized to go home and not stay out too late. or she purposely make me go search for fast food or any other things like bread..which makes me go out of my destination with my friends or even a single friend..to get that thing. it reeks..badly. but what to do, being in this family, i Have to cope with the status of a part time maid. every time i go back from office, or field work..tired but still hanging on there..i have to go to the cold storage and buy back bags of groceries. sometimes i feel so 'married' that I dont think i even have to really find a partner, marry him and have ten children just to carry that load of groceries.

but what am i to do..this is, after all my family.

Sunday, January 22, 2006

Like me as who I am..

has it ever occured to any girls that when you looked darn unattractive at some point of time coz u jz dont pay attention to what you wear? like hey..it's just nearby and you slap on whatever you can find (as long as it's not on the floor) and walk in that..coz no one is gonna look at you anyway.

i do that all the time especially on weekends when i dont feel like mixing and matching clothes. I usually just wear slacks and some hand-me-down looking t shirts that have been washed for like a gazillion times...and off I go to the nearby kovan where I would do some grocery shopping or any other shopping in a heartland shopping centre.

and no one pays me a second look....and it doesnt bother me coz I don't wish to be recognised anymore. although dammit...why must my supervisor be there again with his wife. anyway, that's another redundant story since i'm unfortunate enough to live in the same housing area as him.

but today, because I haven't quite finished doing my laundry..I actually bothered to iron the skirt and blouse that I would usually wear when I go to work..which is like twice nicer looking than my usual get-up on a weekend. My shirts, which I normally wear on a weekend, haven't dry up yet coz of the rain yesterday so oh well...nice blouse, nice blouselah..

and like I said, no one ever pays any attention to me like..err...you know...give a second look or what like damn! who's that lady?! yet today..coz of my nicer than usual get-up...i actually got some guys' notice. And the first one HAD to be a teenager..some malay teenager who would usually have a girlfriend who wears the oh so tight fitting jeans that shows the shape of their booty. I tot I looked ordinary still...with me in my denim long skirt and purple blouse that has a nice round looking neckline that shows off my shoulders. Oh yeah...do you know that I am back to the waist size that I was back in sec 2?! Yeouch!!!....And I got back the shoulders which I used to admire when I was 16 (although it's still huge lah even back then..). I used to have extra weight around my shoulders which made me look very big all this time coz of the recent weight gain after I left school.


okaylah..I wanted to say that yeah..that blouse made me look nice..heh...too much self appraisal here..haha..so where was i? oh..okaylah, I didn't look any 'extra' jz very ordinary...but somehow even that got some people's attention. Okay..anyway, who cares about that teenager...he just got roving eyes on any girls with booty. But my concern is that err..malay mcdonalds manager which I have seen so many times lah. Yeah, he saw me through my 'ugly' days...he never looked at me. I mean..er..no lah not that I was trying to get his attention or what..although he's quite good looking lah. And pretty admirable also in the way he handle his staff and even some rude customers..who obviously had no appreciation towards the service provided by the mcdonalds staff. But no...in my own words, I have never admired him lah.

K whatever..so today, dunno what made me look appealing or what...but he took glances at me like first look and he saw me queueing up. I saw him but I looked away lah coz i was there to buy food not catch anyone's attention..although the chinese guy sitting down playing his laptop was worth taking a long hard good look at. haha..me and my admiration towards chinese guys....

Okay, so he continued to look again subsequently, even though I didn't look directly at him anymore but was like a bit the bored coz I had to queue behind several people already. Second time around, he took a longer look and maybe he thought that I didn't notice or what...but I did. Well...ahem I have several years of training of looking at someone without actually looking..I think all girls have that skills..bwahahaha!!....

Anyway, if you think that I was actually 'shy' about it or somewhat am appreciative about it...guess what..I.AM.NOT.

I know that sounds morbid....but really, I don't like it. It's not that I think that he's some sleaze bag or something but for me, if all this time, I have been very 'fat' looking or very 'ordinary looking'....and then suddenly, when I wear something nice or look nicer, and then suddenly I am much noticeable than before...I definitely think that I am worth much more than that. MUCH more than that.

Ok, I know I always look weird carrying big bags of groceries, often struggling with it...and I often get stares with it. And I always look very the 'ordinary'... not my age or what...I look more like a typical 'auntie' who just came back from the market..sometimes looking sweaty because you know how the weather can be sometimes. And you know yeah...I said that I didn't think much of the mcdonald's manager but he is good looking for a malay and I also admire his leadership capabilities much more than the rest of the managers who have been around also when during their shift. And I admit that I did threw him some 'looks' although I didn't look flirtatious or what but I guess it was enough for him to notice..even though I swear it was all done unconsciously lah.

But he never once noticed it or I tot that maybe..he did notice but I guessed he knew where he stood. Me a customer. He...a mcdonalds manager who serves the customer. It was like trying to maintain a professional relationship.

Then, okay...so i didnt think much about him looking long and hard at me from the distance like he noticed the changes in my looks and in my appearance since it has been a long time since I last saw him. But I tell ya..if he walks up to me and tries to talk to me or what..i wouldn't have snubbed him...but I wouldn't like it either.

I would prefer a guy who likes me for who I am...I dont want them to like me coz in their opinion, I am worth talking to than I was before. I would appreciate their compliments but I wouldn't appreciate anything more than that. Im damn serious about that.

I know I said that I don't want to dwell on the past. I would admire instead those guys who see past my physical flaws. Like *sniff*...tat one particular guy.....I guess my friend is right. Why did I make such a big deal about him better off with some other girls who are much better than me in terms of looks and who would just click like a fish to water..to any cute guys and he IS a cute guy with cares about his looks and who has a stable job. I have him on my mind right now, because so far, he is the onlie one who based his admiration on me..not on looks and hey guy...even if I don't see you no more....I will always remember you..

Well girl..chin up. I am still not interested in pursuing my love life. I am more interested in how much more weight I wanna lose so I could drop more dress size and more waist size..haha...not coz I want to look attractive towards guys. I just wanna wear nicer clothes and look nice in it.

So, yeah..those guys who have snubbed me before......two can play that game.

Saturday, January 21, 2006

Regret

you know sometimes we go through life in regret...that we felt like we should have done something about it instead of nothing..and then suffer in silence. Okay...I am not gonna say much about it but we're all just humans..even the most powerful..the most influential people on earth..make mistakes. And what's worse..what if we die not knowing what could have happened if we just asked..or say what we wanted to say....and make things right, for once.

like I don't know if he ever felt the same way as I do..or if it's just a figment of my imagination. but i wished that I could have met him again instead of having search for him through scours of people on the streets, in the shopping centres..in trains..simply everywhere. If I didn't try to search for him, I'll unconsciously keep a lookout for anyone who closely resembles him....but if your heart has caught on to one, often it's hard to find someone who quite compare to him because in your heart, no one else can be like him. So you wish...that you meet him again.

when i change my image, lose a few kg here and there...buy clothes to make up different looks...wear make up to make myself prettier, I sometimes think what if he sees me this way or that way. Then whenever people compliments me, sometimes I also wish it was him instead who had complimented me. I hope he sees me now and then compare me to the time when he first saw me and make a comparison like how much I have improved..how much attracted he is to me. I still think that I am shrouded by my own self denial which had kept me in the dark..away from anyone's eyes because I felt that I just wasn't good enough for anybody. I haven't quite mature yet...I haven't got anything good to say about myself like how I go about in my daily life....I have nothing that can stir interest in anyone over the things that I like to do. It's like every other thing that I have been doing has been so redundant or so common that I doubt anybody would have any interest in it coz what I do is as boring as a piece of rock.

I know it sounds hugely like a case of lack of self confidence. But, I dunno.......sometimes I try not to get it into my head but I can't help thinking about this whole thing. One part of me has changed for my own self but another part of me..I feel..has changed coz I don't want to repeat the mistake that I did. At times, I tell myself that if God allows, He will let me see him again one more time, even if at that point of time, he has forgotten my existence. I don't care if he's married...has a girlfriend or what..I just want to take another look at him...I just don't want to go about searching fruitlessly for the One who has captured my heart. I know that maybe this is just one of my failed attempt at making something out of my dormant love life but if it isn't love that I am feeling....perhaps all i want is just companionship. I guess all these make me sound like some sick puppy..but at least, it helps to clear some unresolved feelings that I have repressed in myself.

I don't want to tell anyone coz I dont want people to ask me to pursue this one sided admiration...( I doubt it's love anyway...). Or I guess people are just more interested to tell me about themselves than to hear about me..which has always been the case. How I just wish people for once, can stop and listen to me and instead of me having to always listen to what they want to say. It hurts sometimes coz it makes me feel like I'm just a wallflower but nevertheless, I am still their friend...and as a friend, I do what I can even if my own problems..no one want to listen or they label me quickly as being 'immature'.

Whatever it is....I dont want to think about the past anymore..I just want to move on....if we're fated to meet one more time, then let it be. If not, then I'd say..perhaps, it just wasnt meant to be. I am not looking for love..but i just want to be friends even if it's the last thing ever..and this I say from the bottom of my heart.

Crazy Week!

It has definitely been a busie week for me...and the battle of doing field work as part of my job..has begun. Was it a harrowing experience? I would say we had it toughest on the first day itself..I had no idea where the kids came from..haha. I mean, they were like all over the place and the noise level was sky high! Yeouch!! Unbelievable..I expected the K1 to be scared of us like shit..but they were more like..heh..who cares?! Gawd...running here and there....and numerous attempts to keep them quiet and in order was oh so hard! But..as weird as it sounds, it was kinda fun too...haha. I mean, some of them were so intelligent and it was kinda nice making small talk with them. But no...it was still tough! Anyway, with awesome team mates, then I guess my job was made a bit easier although we all were struggling trying to make it an organized screening session for them!!

So we have a driver allocated to us for the whole month for transportation purposes of our equipment. Still, I miss my old driver..he's such an awesome driver given his age of more than 55. But, he was so darn hardworking..this is a new driver...a lot younger..and ahem..a lot more handsome..but heh..who cares!

Yeah..we got some extra finance this week and gosh....just as I tot what can I buy..I had this tremendous gastric problems...dammit. what's wrong with not eating? hahaha....it's like you eat, you gain little by little...you don't eat, you get tummy ache. Hrmph..........anyway, I still blame the curry I ate in the morning yesterday..with the prata. Guess it wasn't a good idea to eat pratas in the morning, eh? No...it is STILL a good idea..but not when the curry would give one stomach inducing pains! Although I found it odd..my colleagues didn't experience pains like me. So...was it just me? Why am I suffering this pain alone?!!!! hahaha...anyway, I still managed to pull through the day alive..but by late evening, I couldn't help telling my mum how painful my lower abs was...it felt so tupsy turvy..eurgh...

I didn't want to sleep earlie so I just laid in bed coz of the unbearable pains but somehow, I felt bored..damn bored. And I just popped in the vcd into my computer and played spongebob squarepants the movie. I tell ya..it was a sore disappointment..like really. I tot the series was way funnier..thank goodness I didn't watch it in the movie theatre. But anyhow, it was rather enjoyable in a way...like patrick...u rock!! When the totally redundant but she had to be there coz she was voiced by scarlett johannson...mermaid girl Mindy....came to see the duo, patrick just pulled up his pants of which he was wearing the goober gabber (some peanut character) underwear. He asked if she saw him in his underwear...when she said no...he said...'do you want to?'.....gawd, you sex-crazed starfish, you!

Anyway, I feel a bit better now..and man do I need my much needed weekend break! And my team mate was rite. Time really went by quickly if we were attached to outfield work instead of being cooped up in the office like some sick chicken. By the way, I have a new supervisor, and she is just 22! Gawd...cant it at least be a guy instead...a young guy preferably...that i can totally gawk at! yumz...oh, as ironic as it sounds, I am determined to start on a new slab of life...I want to be less flirtatious..woot! like Real....

Friday, January 13, 2006

Embarassed Numerous Times by Salespeople..

Stand up for ur rights when you are a customer. Well, the customer service people are just like you and me..I guess we do have a fair share of ups and downs..but when some people choose to bring their anger and frustation to work. Why? It isn't nice to see a salesgirl..instead of serving the customer chose to hide in a corner of the shop and cry..or hang on the phone and cry while crying..maybe coz of relationship problem..I dunno. For me, if I am a customer, I would be thinking if I should carry on looking around the shop coz I dunno if she is capable of serving me since she's all wet at the eyes..or she's very emotional right now and Im scared to ask her...so what will I do? Leave the shop..unless there's someone who attends to me in replacement..but I wouldn't feel good looking around while a staff is crying her heart out in a corner. Im sure we dont like people to see us crying also...so I just feel that it's best to retreat somewhere outside the shop. Because it onlie shows a lack of professionalism if we show our emotions infront of customers. And what's worse..is when the salesperson has a bad day or is battling some personal problem..and then choose to take it out on a customer. Then that the potential customer..who obviously asks questions to make an informed purchase...will be taken aback by the salesperson's sarcastic and sometimes, rude remarks. Like when he thinks that we're asking the obvious..onlie that we don't know but by their standard, everyone seems to be asking that....we get snubbed. And they dont care if we choose to go to another shop because of their lack of professionalism coz we obviously come to buy and not to have a bad day.

Hey..we're humans and yeah..sometimes customers can get a bit nasty especially if they have the mentality that since they're paying, the sales people are practically at their beck and call. But it's basically give and talk lah. How can we respect someone if he or she is so glaringly rude at another person..

And oh yeah..one of my biggest grouch is definitely the kind of service providers who are out to embarass a customer infront of other customers. I realie dont like it..I'm usually patient and if the staff is new..I'll understand if they're a tad slower than the ones that have experience already. BUt I just hate it when I had been embarassed on several accounts. For example, I just entered the shop and that stupid sensor just had to 'ring' and they SAW me just entering also coz the cash register was facing that two sensor boards at the entrance. Like how can I steal...when I just entered?!! So okay, some person forgot to scan the barcode at the previous shop or didn't scan finish and miraculously, I could leave the shop without the sensor sounding. But in the next shop with sensors, it picked up on the barcode.

Seeing other people turning to look at me is already embarassing...but when the very people who saw me enter the shop demand to check my bags thoroughly.....I would be so damn angrie. And it happened to me..twice! And both are bookshops..bloody hell...if not for the stationeries, I wouldn't step in one at all. Can't believe that they opened my bag and searched through plastic or paper bags for the damned item which caused the sensor to go haywire. The second time I got checked...he said that he just wanted to find that item. You sure or not?! I just entered the bloody shop you know...how can I pick one up right at the entrance? The sensor board itself?

So I just like..do whatever you want lah..by that time..guess he noticed that I wasn't looking too happy by my expression. I didn't want to be angrie also coz that night we just celebrated my birthday and I don't thinK I want to spoil the mood. When he finished going through the things, he asked what was inside the paper bag I was holding as I didn't pass him that one. I said that I didn't buy these things...these were my birthday gifts. I kinda sulked coz I tot that he was going to mess up these gifts too but he looked like he was sorry..I dunno...maybe he then realised that he just ruined my birthday mood..I dunno..haha..But he stopped at that and he said that he couldn't find anything that could have caused the sensor. Well..there you go!

Anyway, in the end...when my friend and I were like thinking what would cause that since I didn't even buy anything except food which, by then, had gone inside my stomach already lah...hehe..So, we sorta find a 'victim'..haha..our own friend and sure enough that sensor thing went off. But the security asked to see the bag lah..and this one, was the right thing..coz we were LEAVING the shop..luckily, the friend who got me the book from some book warehouse sale..said that it could be from the barcode stuck on at the back of the book. It wasn't scanned coz it was a clearance sale at some visitor centre and the salespeople had to key in the discounted price instead of scanning the barcode.

Anyway, I just forget about the matter after awhile even if prior to that, I felt like some stupid person. I don't like it when the cashier who attended to my fast food order forgot about giving me the burgers or some food item which they owed me even though I was standing right at the empty counter beside them. Then another time, I was sitting right at the table nearest to the same register, and they STILL forget about giving me what I ordered. Like come on..I am right here and they still forget. what's worse when the second time around, there was practically onlie one order..before some time another customer came...and empty again. In other words, no crowd and he STILL didn't give me my burger.

I tot of seeing how long he will take to give me the burger..but I also contemplated on buying another burger from another cashier coz I didn't want to go up and ask where my burger was. Then coincidently, the managers from the fast food restaurants, who also did their share of work like delivering food to the table...didn't even ask me if I was waiting for anything. Hello..I am not a sitting duck..but I got stares from them coz I guess they're thinking since I am not buying food..why Im here..and also, why I keep looking at them doing their work. If they think that I was such a hindrance, shouldn't they be shooing me off or something? Stop with all this staring game lah..please..


But I didn't know what drove me..I just found myself getting up immediately after my patience just reached the last bar and I asked in such a quick manner...'Excuse me..where is my fillet burger?!' You see thats why..I just hate it when it had to be 'special order' like my brother eats his fillet burger from mcdonalds without sauce. Most of the time it was okaylah despite the waiting..but it was getting too much..I wanted to really see how long the blur kid will take but I was not about to put everything that I planned to do just because of this stupid thing. And I didn't want to act stubborn either by refusing to ask him. So, I guessed my demanding voice and my pissed off look kinda scared them out...and somehow..he KNEW I was asking for the one without sauce even though I jz said fillet burger onlie. Still, he was saying something to his friend, and doing in such OH SO SLOW...manner when packing my burger probably about how he made his mistake. He said sorry but didn't seem to apologetic about it like saying 'sorry' for the sake of it..

Yeah..I know my usual habit is usually the no comment sort but I just HAD to say 'SO SLOW!' to him..to wake him up because if he can't handle my order of just a pathetic burger..if the hordes of crowd start to stream in..u think he can is it?

It's like..it's not just the mcdonalds at the hougang st 21 branch..the delifrance in the hougang mall...would you believe...there was NO OTHER CUSTOMER ....but yet..we had to wait for some time for the bread pudding..although the waitress asked us already if we wanted our dessert. So we waited...and our tables were messy..they didn't bother to clean it up...even up to the point the dessert was served. I mean..hey..if the restaurant was packed, they got all the reasons..but we're like..the onlie customers? hello?! They were just walking around just outside the kitchen..doing what..I dunno...

So my mum got impatient a bit and my brother..who ate too much and too quickly...was feeling a bit nauseous so she had to call the waitress a few times..coz she was dreaming and didn't hear my mum. My mum asked if the dessert was ready..and she forgot..yeah..she asked us if we were ready and we thought that she alerted the kitchen staff or something..but she didn't. She just went about pacing up and down.

After waiting yet again...my brother was complaining..said that he wanted to go home already coz he didnt feel alrite. So when it came FINALLY..my mum asked to pack it instead coz we didnt have time anymore.

GOsh....I don't expect royalty treatment..reallie...but I think that this applies to everybody. Leave your personal problems behind and do your job properly. You know how some people just dont have the drive anymore to work because they were simply not interested? Well, somehow, even me..will reach a point where it's time to simply move on. But if we can persevere..why not? But if we can't, then better to find an alternative if not we will simply 'dump' all our unhappiness and frustrations on unsuspecting victims, be it our customers, our colleagues or even the company itself. Usually, such companies which make money, will bring down a portion of their profits to the staff so the benefit for the staff too for working so hard. And the additional income can come in handy for us because after all, it is our sheer hard work.

And also..doesnt mean we have a bad day..we have to spoil someone else's day as well. I don't want to come out of a shop..so darn embarassed or pissed off because of the saleperson behaviour. I am trying to be nice and not so demanding but at times, I am being treated like some idiot who is simply too nice to voice out. But nowadays, I have been rather daring coz I don't like to be treated unfairly. Like just because I stood quite near the sensor in watsons, in hougang mall, didn't mean that I was going to steal the items I was holding. Maybe they knew also but it was embarassing enough for me when the salesperson asked me to put my things on the cash counter because I was making the sensor went off. But..how come onlie me who was asked to do that? They put the things on the shelf just beside the sensor and I looked unaware of the sensor there..and suddenly, I felt like I was some kind of potential thief.

Maybe if they could have offered me a basket instead to put my items which I was half struggling to put my shopping items like how they offered to other people..I wouldn't be so offended. But for my case onlie, to ask to leave the things at the counter, was a bit out of line. Still, I managed to be nice..yet firm..and said no when he was about to take my things without asking me in full yet. But I said thank you like maybe he meant no harm or something..but hey..u'll never know.

I guess the key is to treat the customers how you would like to be treated..coz I doubt anyone wants to be treated by a salesperson with an attitude problem. Strike a balance somewhere...no need to be a 'shadow' and tag the potential customer. Just be there when we asked for help instead of pretending that they had to attend to something by diverting their eye contact with us..so other salesperson would take the responsibility instead.

It's so sad that Singapore hasn't' gone that far yet when it comes to being considerate for other needs as well. Don't keep blaming the govt for making our people concern about themselves onlie..like making a pregant woman stand in a crowded train..while the commuter looked at her and her stomach...as if she's odd or something. Sad rite? Yeah..that's a fact of life..watever it is, life moves on....

Thursday, January 12, 2006

Dont Segregate us pooR customeRs

You know what..I somehow found myself to be a wee bit vocal especially when it comes to some people who just could not be bothered or are too pretentious. If it's just once a month or twice a month..i'll somehow wil forget about the issue in the next instance..like heh..typical behaviour. But to encounter almost 5 bad incidents is like...whoa..especially if just within the space of one a half week..how BAD can that be..

Look...I know people have been rather hard on the service providers..and the media turned the table towards the service providers..and hear what they got to say. Hey..to me..this is a give and take situation...not all customers are meanie or are born with not a single 'nice' feeling in their soul. And not all service providers are providing a good service as it is..Okay, I know also that we cant be DAT happy everyday and not have a single bad day. I do too...and it doesn't help that right now, my two major problems are people either looking down on me or my family when we go out..or when they just cant be bothered about their customers.

I dont expect to be followed around the shop and just as I chanced upon something...someone will be there asking 'can i help you?'..like hello? I happened to stop and not get a chance to see something up close...and you're like 'can i help you?' But of course..I didn't try to be rude to them..so I'll just flash a small smile and say it's okay..or I'll just apologise saying to give me awhile..However, almost everytime they'll give me a 'look' like they're not happy with me for chasing them away when here they are just simply trying to ask if I need any help. And that could kill my mood coz it gave me the impression that they were thinking that I was just browsing around..and wouldn't buy anything so I denied their help. Okay, if you want..next time, I'll glare at you as well yeah when you follow me to a T? And yeah..some people just dress up better than me...and with a partner on tow or with a group of friends who are wearing branded things on them..while I'm just a single person walking around.

But I wouldn't be too happy if there is a huge significance in the way they're handling the customers like they're trying to segregate us or something. Like at one time, my and my brother went to swensons together and we were dressed really simple...while the people infront of us..(Was quite a long queue) were dressed up for it..We lined up for almost 15 minutes and I expected to wait since it was a saturday. Okay..so of coz..we got excited when we were just one number away..and the ahem..restaurant manager on duty....that time asked the family infront of us for an early order. But halfway through, a table was ready for them already. So yeah...technically, me and my brother was next. Then guess what..she came back...and she ignored me.

Okay..fine..maybe a table wasnt ready yet or something..but what IRRITATED me thereafter was how dare she SKIPPED me and my brother and asked the family behind us instead. If you were me, what do you think you would do? I tried to be calm coz I tot maybe she was thinking we're part of the family..I didn't look like I was in my age as I really dressed down in a t shirt and face sans make up and the hair a bit the messy..And yeah..u know what..they got in. My brother and I was still standing there like...like...........idiots. She still looked at us and never asked us still......I was looking at the promotions on this banner they put on a stand. It was almost 8 minutes later..standing right infront of the podium..and I guessed she finally can put a finger on it..that we were there not to ogle at the banner. We were there to eat. Maybe I was looking pissed off also and commented like hey...how come she never asked us..to my brother.

So THEN she asked me....'uhm mam...you're ready to order? I was more like ready to leave!! Gawd..............why can't people look beyond the potential customers' appearance and treat each one equally. You dont have to give them a bad service just because we don't look 'high class' or GOd forbids I say this..coz me and my family is malay? Man I hope that is not true. I know sometimes it does seem odd when my family will be the onlie malay in the whole of the restaurant..sometimes I noticed that it was when we ordered quite a lot as my mum sometimes can be a bit generous..haha...we were treated quite nicely after that like if we need a refill and clearing our tables on time..like they give us attention.

But that's not always the case...even if we buy a lot, we get stares from the waiters and the customers besides us...but it's not like they're so 'wow!' by the number of plates we have. I still think it's not a lot like..it's just maybe two for my brother and one each for my mum and me and we also ordered some side dishes. Or maybe we're not as 'stingy' like a couple who buys a plate of food and share with each other and still is demanding about it as say...they want their drumlets still very hot and demand for a change.

I get the impression that they're thinking we cant afford to pay this later so err..maybe they're thinking of the ways to help them get the money for food..haha...I tot okay..I think too much..but it would be so damn unfair if the people who got there after us..had received and tucked in to their foods but we still have one or two dishes still pending...and we would ask once if they had received our order for that dish and then they would check it out. Still..........what happens after that..I dont know...yet again, they took their time serving us..and if onlie I had a pillow at that time, I would sleep waiting for its arrival even though at that time. I am just not like my mum..she can boldly ask when will the food be ready and sent to ur table...but she will wait first and after so long..then she'll ask but if repeatedly we still had not received any orders...we will then hear her telling that we waited for a long time. My mum still looked cheery even when inside she was mad when her patience had been tested. In a way..I think I am becoming like her slowly but in a different manner. SOmetimes you have to wake the people up a bit because they can forget they're working right now or they are bored with their job. But at the rate some people are going, I think they're bored with their life too..heh..that's not my problem...Like I think it is best to leave ur personal problems at home and get on with your life right now in the working world.

Well..I am too sleep to continue on this so I guess I'll persuade this a bit the longer later tonite....or u will see mouching..i mean touching..(see what I mean..) the keyboard and keying anything my fingers lay on..haha..

Friday, January 06, 2006

Why Cant We See Ourselves?

i know no one really reads my blog..haha..but what the heck..sometimes im shy to write stuffs here as I didn't wanna sound 'obvious' or what or be labelled a whiny cow..haha..!! anyway..nolah, I am not gonna whine. so far, I am not whining yet...BUT..i jz realise how my 'emotional streaks' have gotten worse to err...a head of dyed hair!

aiyah..its been like that for so long already and inborne in me already if I dont like about something or what someone says..i would..like what some people say....easily 'offended'. I dont show it lah..but if I do...I will be so 'extra' sulky! Arggh....!! what's going on with you, rahayu?!!!

someone says something unpleasurable..and I'm like..thats it..I am officially angry! I am not gonna look at the person's face..I am not gonna look at anyone..I am just gonna look at the floor, and the floor and nothing but the floor! hahaha..yeah, something like that lah. Or I'll just give this ultra black face showing my displeasure and this stupid frown on my face that give people instant..'eh? wah..what happened? never see her like that before!'...haiz...i mean i know i shouldnt take to heart certain comments but I flare up at comments that are totally redundant..illogical...and the people who convey such comments say them with either a straight face, deliberately want to see how i react when angry or they think they so freakin' clever..but dont worry, I overcome such unexpected black mood easily. And im back to my perky self..and the ones who experienced this 'black face' of mine will tell me how scared they are..haha..nolah, i wont eat you up! at most, just bite onlie..

anyhow..im still lagging behind in terms of planning on my future but come to think of it yeah..even if i plan little by little, it's still some kind of planning. so i decide to break it up in smaller number of years so easier to achieve. if i cant think so far ahead in the future, i might as well deal the present first. ok..like what i have said previously, i just want to go that 5 lessons web interactivity course at a local c.c. and also i want to learn driving. having been at work all this time and then leaving after 5.30 onlie which leaves me no time to apply for the ahem..advanced test (yeah lah! i know slow!!..), guess i'll just take the opportunity this monday lah when I go on half day.

Haiz..supposed to be a full day but some lazy bugger, just HAD to make use of the opportunity to have me cover her stupid saturday duty..of which F.Y.I., is officially her first day of work on a sat. I didnt want to cover lah at first and I can come up with some reason citing that I had other plans so she had to bug someone else instead. Also I was super offended when I asker how come like u know...jz basically want to know why lah...i cant just 'ok!' like that..if not, she'll step on my head knowing what kind of character she is. And she had the cheek to say to me that I am her cover what!

Eh..cover doesnt mean u can apply my service as when you require. Argh..I just KNEW I had to cover her eventually knowing what kind of a lazy bugger she is!!!!! Anyway, against people's wishes, I just ok-ed lah giving her just this chance but maybe no longer next time. I cant be doing her work okay?! I had my turn already and it was already torturous, thank u very much. She had yet to experience even one! the nerves.....................not in regards to this, but over her stupid reason after I ok-ed her. Say she had already planned to go on an outing with her family so she tot if she had to work in the morning then she'll be tired in the afternoon. Like hello? I do what at home? Wait for the sky to fall ah..no need to go out also? Then all this time, i work on Saturdays...I go home all perky with not a single bit of tiredness in me, is it? Anyhow, I am her designated 'cover' so I cant say no..but just time round, since my supervisor had also said in the meeting earlier can swop with someone due to work in the later work. So, it's fairer lah..especially in some cases where what..she just do two, but I do FOUR?! i mean being her cover and also during that previous times when I did my share of duties..in all the 3 months.

Tsk..dunno how I am gonna work with her in the field..but u know what?!! I am so lucky to have to have my two bestest pals in my team!! woohoo!!! They are a lot older than me but they're so fun to be with..coz they dont have this 'air' in them where they get offended easily and they put the 'fun' in our work.

Okaylah, I want to talk on a more general basis. I guess..we share the same thoughts like you know..we dont always get the people we want to work with..all the time. You get the good..and you get the bad. It's just how you view the situation or how you work around it. Yeah, it's so hard to digest at first and you get all sorts of imaginations in you like how are you gonna deal with it or even accept it. but work is work I guess..I mean of coz, everybody wants to be treated fairly and with some kind of respect. We dont expect to be doing all the work especially if we have to work in teams. But we cannot just keep quiet also if we tend to be easily 'pushed' around. It's either you deal with the situation...gently tell off the person..or remind the member how we have to share the workload fairly.

Then again, talk is cheap lah...action speaks louder than words. Easier said than done..but I learn that we cant always give in to people's demands all the time just coz they dont 'feel' like doing it coz it's so 'stupid' or 'lame'. But if they dont wanna do..we dont wanna do...then what? we just stare at each other? I dont want to work for nothing lah..might as well go to the streets and beg.

We cant harbour angry thoughts in ourself and then harbour all bad feelings and resent everyone coz we think they're all the same. I guess the best way is to deal with the situation in a manner we find less 'damaging' and less 'messy' without offending anyone in the process. Onlie we ourselves know what that solution may be coz every situation is unique. I guess sometimes, we have to remind people gently if at some point, they are not able to judge for themselves. I mean, all of us lah actually..of coz lah we think we are right but in the eyes of others...it's just the selfish side of us talking.

Like I watched television just now (surprisingly..since today is not CSI:Miami day..haha..) and the girl, in tears, told the brother that true, we must think about ourselves but we have to think of others too..and the deed is twice greater than if we just think about our needs. We think about how others are like this..like that.....but do we ever think about how others feel about us? We think negative things but the negativity in us can overpower the logical side of us and then we feel bitter and think that everyone is evil.

Sometimes, I feel sad lah. I somehow am often caught in the middle...meaning that I hear two sides of the table. I guess thats why I can be rather emotional lah..hehe.....but maybe it's just fate lah. Dunno..maybe it's because i'm rather 'neutral' lah when it comes to situations like this like I dont take sides. But on a personal note, I do carry thoughts lah like I wish that person A should see the other side of story from person B and maybe..dont be so selfish sometimes. Maybe person B isn't all that bad..person A is looking at it on a 'face value' like see all the filth on top but fails to see the purity underneath it. But on the other hand, maybe person A must make an effort too because hey..... the last thing we want is to be wrongly accused or onlie have our 'bad' side magnified to ten times but our good side? It's like as if it never existed although most of the time, we are showing our good side or what..

I mean seriously lah..Im kinda tired of all this nonsense lah but I guess, it's just human nature. If you ask me also..of coz I will not say I am at fault..but maybe im more reflective some time later..that at times, it takes two hands to clap. Truth hurts sometimes and can be difficult to swallow...but they can also make us stronger. Onlie thing is..how much of the truth that we are able to handle.

Sad ah..if you understand what I am trying to say. Why must we always think negatively...why can't we see a glimmer of hope behind something...why cant we think after a cloudy or stormy day, is a bright sunny day? why must we condemn someone of his or her wrongdoings for the longest time when it has just been performed once..and then all the love..all the friendship..all the joy and sorrow we experience together are forgotten...just like that? why must we always talk about people behind their backs when upfront, we aren't that nice either?

Anyhow, the answers can be right under our nose but we dont want to sniff them. But it is up to the individuals lah...well, that's just a thought lah..or wishful thinking..I dunno...

Monday, January 02, 2006

Happy New Year!!!!!

HAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAaaaaaaPPPPPPppiie New Year! happy new, year..happy new yeaR!!

Yeah..'should all acquantaince be forgot..and never brought to mind?!!'

Personally, besides that song having serious grammatical errors, I think that it's a bit the lame lah everytime new year clocks in and the song just HAVE to be sung. Talking about lame..see what I came across just mere seconds ago http://weblog.rodneyb.com/blog/_archives/2003/12/18/9915.html

In other words, why csi:miami sucks was because of David Caruso...and to think that he came up with a list of it. I'll say...he's just jealous he's not in the show...

Anyway, a new year means a fresh new beginning right? Dont get in anymore financial mess..clear ur last year's debts..make sure u pay on time this time...don't get unnecessary loans or credit cards..just stay debt free! Ok, you don't have to pay the entire thing if you are running a little low in cash. So, make talking less on the phone and set a quota for sms per day..as ur new resolution! Remember: less talk time, means less money going out of the pocket! hahah...

Right..I'm bullshitting..

So, yeah...as usual, I want to 'up' a bit my financial standing by saving up just like how I did successfully last year. It was unbelievable..I saved $1k!! K, I know that is like onlie a month's worth of salary minus central provident fund deposit..but it was 'something'..u know!~ Yeah, it involved sacrifice..blood..tears..k, maybe not..........but there was definitely sacrifice alrite! One aspect of it...can be...I saved on food. This 'new' me says that if I don't want to work extra hard on the treadmill...id better not be eating junk food or eat oily snacks. That means no more Old Chang Kee day! Sounds ridiculous and even more ridiculous was how I so looked forward to it just like how I looked forward to watching Csi:Miami....

But okay..furthermore, despite my father getting some money to help us tide over difficult times..it was also enough for me to purchase some things that I would never have even bothered to look at just coz I know I wouldn't be able to afford. But, I guess it takes time before one day, I get to have such cool gadgets...just like how I waited more than ten years before I finally got one computer. Some things are just worth waiting..and boy, did I have..or still have so much fun with the computer which I could onlie dreamt of in school.

Then again..u know what?! I also learnt a painful lesson like doesn't mean that I can afford it already...means that I should get top notch stuffs also. If you need it, get it..if you don't need..then dont get it! It's onlie gonna be a waste of money...of course, I'm sure people want this function or that function for their mp3 player or handphone, or the latest gadgets, but if in the long run, they wont be using it, then why bother wasting money. Some people..I SO envy! I regret till now how I sold away my phone still in working condition just so that I could trade it for a camera fon. In the end, I hardly use the camera function...let alone the last handphone that I had which was the first megapixel phone..u know what happened to it now? I dropped it in a toilet bowl...right after I flush...and was adjusting my attire, the whole thing just plonked into the bowl..right before the second flush. Despite saving it from the gutters, it still died on me. BLoody hell..so I'm using the fone which I got from my last service plan after I lost my other phone. But anyway, that lost phone was useless too...still, I missed it coz it was with me for a year.

Talk about curse of the handphones! *curses*

Yeah, and I also remembered about one lost opportunity and how I pinned all my hopes on it, despite knowing the 'answer'..I knew from the very beginning..and even told them in their face, how I wasn't quite happy with the choice they gave me. But, I wanted to change so badly I relied heavily on GOd to change my fate. Still, I was back to square one..and at one point of time, was 'confused'. I tot God was there to help you along..but was disappointed at how I prayed to him almost everyday for this change of fate to happen..but no.....I was still faced with a gloomy future.

But, I guess God knows that I am half hearted about this whole affair....even though, I said to Him that I really wanted this opportunity. But deep deep inside, guess He knew..that I was rather heavy hearted in leaving my present job. I guess one day, when He knows I am 101% ready, that something will definitely change..oh well, for me...I recovered very quickly, surprisingly. I never felt so 'relieved'..sure, disappointment was there......but knowing the answer for sure this time, it puts an end to all my doubts. At least, for once...I still think that I am young and there's so many things out there for me! If this doesn't work out, other things may work out..and it can be the very thing..tht works for me.

So, you know what? Let's have some goals..I want to make goals..I went through the year 2005 with some goals...faced with disappointment...but at the end of it, I was happy that I didn't give up. At the start of the year, I wanted to change my outlook...lose weight..be healthier..but more than half a year later, I didnt suceed. I wanted to save money but halfway..things cropped up and I was disappointed coz I tot I would never get to save a decent amt of money. I wanted to change my fashion style....but I didn't lose weight fast enough...so I didnt get to wear the clothes that I had always wanted.

Guess what...I lost 9kg to the weight I was in back to pre U and before I piled up on the kilos...wear the MANGO label for a change..(tot I would NEVER fit into it..not even the L size)...saved more than 1K...(heh..the bonus added another 1K more)...and I can wear short skirts now coz I was determined to nurse back my ugly feet and scars back to the state (and yay, with discipline..my feet's no longer all dried up and covered in red and ugly scab marks!!)

I picked up a few free things on the way too...like a new digital camera, pda and photo printers along the way.....and i'm off to pick up newer things this year! haha...contests, here I come!

So you know what...those that got u down in the first place...like how I actually didn't suceed in losing weight by my birthday (but looked bloated instead...)...sometimes, make u stronger. But yeah...at the same time, im also scared of the things to come. Sure, they can be mighty exciting...but sometimes, not all news are good news. I'm already feeling scared when thinking about it.

But whatever it is..I'll try not to let it get down on me...Oh yeah, I will definitely go on less random shopping spree. Like if I have it already..I'm not gonna get another similar one also just coz the colour is a bit different..haha..! Well..it may cost just this much or that much...but if you add all that you have spent on altogether..u may not like the amount..haha..!

Alrite then....happy new year to you again and have a mighty 2006!!

The Simple Act of Smiling & Thinking Too Much

Recently, I found that I have been increasingly comparing myself to other girls and then getting upset that  I don't have, and perha...