Monday, May 29, 2006

Im So Used

Gawd..I hate to receive sms-es or short messages via my handphone from my colleagues. ACtually, it's more for my current partner in the team. I can't believe everytime she sms-es me, she's always sounding bossy like instructing to do stuffs for her or bring stuffs for her like Im her farking secretary. Please lah, get ur life organized can? I know u're the leader in my team (though rarely acts as one) but it doesnt give you the authority to keep instructing me to do stuffs for u due to ur own carelessness? And wat makes you think that Im always agreeable to what you want me to do? It's always like 'Ayu, can you something something for me tonight, thank you' or 'Ayu, can you bring something something for me tomorrow, thank you' and the last straw which I didn't respond coz I felt was so redundant was 'Ayu, can you email me the schedule by tonight?' Like what the hell, you think I got so much time to go type out the addresses of the schools to you jz coz u lost the stupid schedule? Please...even if you want me to help do you a favour, cannot ask nicely is it? Oh, and most importantly, whether or not I am able to do it and that if I can help you or not. Don't always make it sound like you're instructing me whether or not I want to do them. Please lah, go do something about ur own life like get a new job or something that you really like instead of sticking to this and causing other people misery due to your own slack. Oh, and the 'thank you' at the end of your message doesn't help at all. You can keep your thanks.


Right now, I am so emotionally drained in regards to finance. We're not having financial problems or something even though my father hasn't started working regularly. But still, I am so stressed out. I know I can't compare my family's financial strength last year and this year. Judging from my mum's notorious spending habits, it's impossible to keep the finances from last year as intact as possible. Then again, we still have a sizeable amount which I am trying so hard not to compare with the one last year. Anyway, I felt guilty not telling my mum the balance but at the same time, if I ever tell her, she'll be throwing me questions like how can be like that? Last time it was this amount. She often forgets that she uses the money every now and then and don't they all add up? I try so hard to control the finances and if I don't that, it's probably nil by now. Right now, I have to exert more control as my father's health isn't that good right now and at times, we do need to use money as the medisave won't cover all. And that's damn strange considering my father worked hard all these years to accumulate the medisave, which by the way is for medical uses, and guess what? They put a limit to it and you have to pay cash money for the rest of the amount. Now that's bull, might as well not have this medisave shit at all. I mean, even a minor operation can cost thousands and we can't be paying thousands for every operation that he takes up. Oh, and we don't determine how long he stays at the hospital. I don't see why we are charged extras for the additional days he stayed when originally, they put it down as three. So if it ever extends more than that, they are going beyond what has been stated on black and white. So, they foot the bill. Why must we? And the stupid capping of the withdrawal of the medisave isn't helping at all.


Oh, about the guilt of not telling my mum so as not to give her shock every now and then, I couldn't help but tell. I know im putting our finances at risk by telling her as I know she will most probably try to put her hand into it despite knowing that we have to watch out for our spending so as not use them up. The balance is really shaky now and not as stable as last year and if they are wrongly misused, it will be a bigger shocker. I don't want to live a life like the last time when we were so miserable that I couldn't even top up my ez link card to go to work. And that I had to look for money all around the house for loose change just to go down the shop to buy some snacks as we were really hungry and didn't have enough to buy real food. Oh yeah, she was initially shocked but somehow I felt she felt a bit comforting to know that I did put some under reserves in my savings accounts. So comforting that for a wedding which she attended just now, by one of her ex neighbour's friend, she had to buy a new headscarf that cost 40 bucks. It was an exclusive headscarf and she is one of those type that cannot afford to wear what she wore the last time for fear of people recognising it from that time. Like come on, who ever takes note? And that she also bought one for my aunt who wasn't too happy that my mum didn't buy for her as promised as my dad hasn't been working for awhile. Please lah, my dad is not feeling well and all she cared about is the stupid exclusive headscarf. My mum did buy for her the other time but she gave it to her mother in law. Sometimes, my mum buys for her stuffs like especially whe she tagged along and she gave them to her sisters in law. She's always trying to lift them up as yeah, she is always saying that they're rich coz they save a lot or their husbands are earning a sizeable amount of money. But now, the one of whom she said is a big saver and who scrimps a lot with money is as if sounding to her if she has money as she doesn't have enough. And after hearing a few times of how my mum helps my aunt financially sometimes if she doesn't have enough, her sister in law is as if sounding like she wants my aunt to ask my mum if she can help too. what the fark...just go find your own relatives. You're not a very nice person in the first place too. Gossip lah..gossip some more about other people.


Gawd, I have been writing angry stuffs nowadays. Why can't i write something more positive which doesn't involve being manipulated, worried, angry and troubled. Man oh man, the month is about to end and I dare say it hasn't been a good one. My mum thinks that Im just too nice at times that people step all over being me. She's especially not happy with me covering another colleague's duty last Saturday just coz her relative was really sick and that she didn't want to take urgent leave as it would be a waste taking leave on that day. Even if she's working on Saturday, it will be counted as a one day leave. As much as I hate to burn my Saturday and that next week, I'll still be burning it, by..you guessed it..working, I thought like what the heck, it sounded urgent. Besides, it'd be inhumane for me to say 'no' if covering her on saturday is also part of my job and her brother is very sick and possibly dying from a long term illness. She is intending to go to work on one of the three days which she took the day off and for me to cover. I mean, I am not against her taking leaves as they are her priviledge but I don't see why she must take it so often like I have to cover her almost every week. Cant she compromise with her doctor or something to get the surgery over and done with? It gets rather tiring shuffling from the field visit to the school in the morning and then going to the clinic in the afternoon. Then, my so called leader cum colleague is the type who gives no shit about the going ons in our field work until she suddenly gets a brainwave and then recall something which I have already settled like two weeks ago.


Oh yeah, my mum isnt too happy about her mostly because it is an unofficial coverage. I had to log in to the system with her id to make it seem like she's doing her duty that time. And worse of all, I don't get my time off at all from working that Saturday as it was unofficial. SO no matter what, I am at the losing end. Although she did say she would come back to work even though she intended to take leave on one of those 3 days, come to think of it, I am still working. I may not be covering her but I will still be doing my normal duty instead of taking the time off. In other words, there is not farking difference for me. The only difference is that not only will she save one day of leave but two instead. She didn't take leave on saturday so that is one. She is forgoing another day's leave to work instead, and that's two. What do I have? Nothing lah. And that's why my mum thinks that I am working for free.


But I don't know. She is my close colleague of whom I do share some personal matter to her whenever I'm bogged down with some kind of family problems or something. My mum likes her too as she has been very nice to me. But now, she doesn't think so. She said that sometimes it's not good being too close to people as there is a higher chance of them asking you to do for them favours or making you to do work for them. I know my colleague has no intention to do that as she is only concerned about being at the hospital to see her brother who is in critical condition. But whatever it is, as much as I thought that she should have taken urgent leave instead, not coz it was rather last minute, but rather it wouldn't be fair to me as I won't be able to claim time off for work done on an unofficial working day. Her working days include Saturday as hers is an attachment to a polyclinic so she has to follow their timing. Even being let off at 4.30pm rather than our usual 5.30pm is also due to following their closing down time. For me, sometimes Im just too lazy to think when it comes down to things like these. Even when my partner reports sick almost every week, and that almost all the time she takes two days mc, I don't fark care anymore. I just dont feel like responding to her. I don't mind working with other people, as if she's some kind of big help in the first place anyway, but it gets to me at times when I am left to do her 'dirty' work or doing a major part of our paperwork and filing.


Gosh, whatever it is now, I just hope come next month in June, I'll be more stabilised mentally. It's tiring thinking about some stuffs over and over again as I just can't stop thinking about them. For now, I really really hope my father can resume work once again, even it is only covering duties, as it can help bring me some income into the family at least to put food on the table. Just that. Haiz, hopefully things will only get better.

Sunday, May 28, 2006

So Tired

Actuallie, this was written days ago but blogger wasn't working that time. So, come to think of it, I forgot what it was about..hehe..

Well...I haven't been writing for awhile eh? I have been super tired each day and I don't know if that is because I am mentally or physically drained. But sometimes, maybe it's a good thing coz i turn in bed earlier (by that I mean before 1 or 2am in the morning). I guess it's the work too...I hate it when I have to go screening in a school with a huge enrolment which takes up two or more weeks. But what to do...it's not as if I can pick and choose the schools to go to. What I get is basically what I have to do..Sigh...Anyhow, not one to let myself down easily, I just try to give my best and not think about it too much and jz do it and let the day carries itself out till the end. Uhm..it helps a tad bit lah when I emerge myself in my work and then like eh? The time passed by so quickly already ah?


Oh, and maybe coz i havent exactly eaten regularly everyday. No, in case you think this is my latest diet craze, I wanna clarify with you, I have never been on a diet. I told you i'm like 'whatever!' already with people who think that I have additional help. They questioned me and maybe coz they thought my answers were too standardized that even a child can say them like cutting down on food and exercising..that sorta stuffs. Oh, but I found out that they were mostly puzzled coz they thought it was a rather dramatic weight loss like I really lost inches like that. Seriously, I took more than a year. Anyway, the EXACT reason why I haven't been eating on a regular basis especially during lunch hour coz of the location of my work. Today I had just wrapped up screening in the school situated right smack in the middle of the circle line operations. So if I go to the school or out of there, I see constructions and construction workers who probably never saw women before especially the gorgeous ones. And no, I wasn't referring to myself. I mean, in a way, maybe i either remind them of their wives back then in their homeland or they want to make me their wife, I dunno..and who cares. The only way to get to food is to take a bus out of that stretch of road to the main road outside. But being limited on time (like one hour where got enough to squeeze lunch and travelling back and forth) and also coz we have to rush against time to start screening on time too, the only way is to survive on whatever we have.


Okay, we did get to eat lah on certain days on the way back to office. Oh yeah, that journey was tiring too coz almost everyday we have to go back just after finishing the last child and then wrapping everything up for that day inclusive of packing all the stuffs in for next day. Haiz, and also the stress of trying to cope financially coz my mum and my brother still act as if my father is well and working on a regular basis. Im sad enough that he's not working like he used to..which was everyday. Though he may not earn so much, it's still enough to hold the weight of our household daily expenses. I know I should be focusing on making sure that he is healthier and that his eyesight is better after the second operation but, I seem to get easily distracted. My mind always seemed to go back to the times when his eyesight were not as poor as now and flashbacked to the day when he had double appointment but I didn't take leave on that day. It wasn't coz I didn't want to but I took two days of leave already the week before and in my line of work, obtaining leave last minute is not a very good thing. Everybody would be hounding me. I was also thinking that I need to maintain my leaves not for my own enjoyment already but coz I have to reserve for the days he need to go for apppointments. At that time it was as regular as once a week.


Sometimes, I don't know if I make things worse while thinking in terms of my father's benefit. My main concern is for him to get better and at least still secure his job for the family. I know that his side of family isn't exactly too happy ever since that day when he missed his appointment at the eye clinic. I am really sore about it coz I felt that I was hugely responsible for his current state now. Even though he already went for his operation for the left eye, I still think that it is not enough. He is still struggling to see and I thought it was coz he didn't take his medication for his high blood pressure. Yet again, I felt responsible coz I should have known that he may not be able to see the fine prints on the medicine label. My father's strong independence and his determination to not coz trouble to pepole, make him more angrier maybe at himeself or the family..I dunno. But I can understand his struggles from someone who is so used to working everyday and bringing in income for the family. I am trying to make things easier for him by helping to buy him dinner since my mum is forever on her 'I wont cook' strike and then buying other foods like his bread and milk to eat at anytime. I have been preparing his medicine twice everyday since last saturday so at the very least he is fit enough for his operation instead of it being postponed to so many days.


At this moment, only one of my colleagues whom I have been working ever since I joined the company first year, has been sharing her experiences taking care of her mum. And also knowing that Im not alone when it comes to taking care of the parents coz our parents are not exactly 'young' anymore. All of us, at certain point of our time, will experience signs of aging in terms of deteriorating health.
I know a few friends or colleagues already of which they're all around my age who are also worried over one of their parents health conditions. Knowing about this is a slight comfort coz we're all trying to learn and cope with the situation. I guess now is the time when we have to start thinking about the family and how our parents used to work so hard to earn money to put food on the table, keep the water running and the lights on. It's not an easy task but if they can cope with us, the children, who played with the water or refusing to eat what they cooked coz they look greenish and sluggish (They're called vegetables by the way) I guess we have to change our mentality.


Talking about changing our mentality, I seriously think some people need to just take a break...and possibly look for a new job as well. I mean I appreciate their help when they come to my team whenever my partner is on medical leave. I don't really wanna talk much about it but yet again, she reported sick in the morning and being good friends with the doctor made life easier, if u know what I mean. When I was so sick during or just before the fever drained me of what little energy I have already, I was hardly asked if I wanted a one day or two days leave. I asked then they would give me an MC. If not, I keep quiet and so will they. Two days? Forget it. That would only be given to me if, touch wood, I get yet another full blown skin disease like the 1994 chicken pox.


Seriously, I am sick and tired of hearing everyone who had to cover her to complain and complain about the management and how they had to come to help. Look, maybe it's unfortunate enough that they had to travel to my school to help but sometimes, things can't be helped. I have my own family or personal issues to cope with other than the workload and having a partner that is M.I.A. or S.I.C.K on certain 'convenient' days of the week. Right now, saving up money is my main motivation which I try to psyche myself with whenever I feel down about my work. I understand when they said that they had to be deployed which meant having to travel yet again from their current destination of which they had just arrived only. It's even more frustrating that they are not being let off even when they have a family crisis like their child fell ill but they still have to come to work coz there are no others to deploy out.


But do you think it is gonna help in a major way to just complain and complain when the criteria is written right under our nose that travelling is part of our job. Im not siding with anyone here. I also think that it's unfair too whenever the same people is always being asked while the rest are asked once or twice. But seriously, why whine and whine whenever the opportunities are aplenty outside and we can just leave and jolly well get another job? Even though the job market is bleak, what's the point of staying in a job which don't give u satisfaction but more angry and frustrated instead coz of their lack of staff welfare. Okay, so the management sucks. But really, dont think lah that the world revolves around them only. That only they have work to do, schoolchildren to screen, papers to print, data to enter...I also have so much work to do.


Sometimes the way they put the matter across is only labelling them as being selfish. We all have a part to play and problems to cope. It's not that I like to ask them to come help me. But if they think the demands of the job is pinnin them down, then go find a new one lah. I know I am sounding harsh but seriously, I just hate it lah when people slack totally then leaving another person to clean up the mess. Then the so called help I get have only negative things to say coz they have to divert from their own team or workload to come and help me. I can't help them in anyway...the management doesn't want to employ more people...whatever we say only bounce off the walls, then just look for other alternatives lah. Stop telling me things already. I also have to cover what my colleague at the poly as and when she takes leave. Of coz I don't really like it when I have to travel from school in the afternoon to the poly. But I can't run away from my responsibility either coz it's part of my job and so I just bloody well do it and get it over and done with.


Sometimes, I think people really need to think one more time: what exactly is their motivation for working here. Are they here to earn money to cope with the family expenses or simply wanted to try something new? If they look for flexibility in a job, and this job can't provide it, then go look for another one lah. No point just complain and complain but in the end, it comes back to you coz guess what? It's stated in black and white it is part of our job requirements. You can tell me things and share with me ur frustrations but don't ever make it sound like only you have problems while others don't. Oh, and if you dont like this job already and their performance shows, then get out too lah. Don't try to run away and leave others to clean up the mess. Just get the f out lah..seriously.

Thursday, May 25, 2006

Ever Complaining

Well...I haven't been writing for awhile eh? I have been super tired each day and I don't know if that is because I am mentally or physically drained. But sometimes, maybe it's a good thing coz i turn in bed earlier (by that I mean before 1 or 2am in the morning). I guess it's the work too...I hate it when I have to go screening in a school with a huge enrolment which takes up two or more weeks. But what to do...it's not as if I can pick and choose the schools to go to. What I get is basically what I have to do..Sigh...Anyhow, not one to let myself down easily, I just try to give my best and not think about it too much and jz do it and let the day carries itself out till the end. Uhm..it helps a tad bit lah when I emerge myself in my work and then like eh? The time passed by so quickly already ah?


Oh, and maybe coz i havent exactly eaten regularly everyday. No, in case you think this is my latest diet craze, I wanna clarify with you, I have never been on a diet. I told you i'm like 'whatever!' already with people who think that I have additional help. They questioned me and maybe coz they thought my answers were too standardized that even a child can say them like cutting down on food and exercising..that sorta stuffs. Oh, but I found out that they were mostly puzzled coz they thought it was a rather dramatic weight loss like I really lost inches like that. Seriously, I took more than a year. Anyway, the EXACT reason why I haven't been eating on a regular basis especially during lunch hour coz of the location of my work. Today I had just wrapped up screening in the school situated right smack in the middle of the circle line operations. So if I go to the school or out of there, I see constructions and construction workers who probably never saw women before especially the gorgeous ones. And no, I wasn't referring to myself. I mean, in a way, maybe i either remind them of their wives back then in their homeland or they want to make me their wife, I dunno..and who cares. The only way to get to food is to take a bus out of that stretch of road to the main road outside. But being limited on time (like one hour where got enough to squeeze lunch and travelling back and forth) and also coz we have to rush against time to start screening on time too, the only way is to survive on whatever we have.


Okay, we did get to eat lah on certain days on the way back to office. Oh yeah, that journey was tiring too coz almost everyday we have to go back just after finishing the last child and then wrapping everything up for that day inclusive of packing all the stuffs in for next day. Haiz, and also the stress of trying to cope financially coz my mum and my brother still act as if my father is well and working on a regular basis. Im sad enough that he's not working like he used to..which was everyday. Though he may not earn so much, it's still enough to hold the weight of our household daily expenses. I know I should be focusing on making sure that he is healthier and that his eyesight is better after the second operation but, I seem to get easily distracted. My mind always seemed to go back to the times when his eyesight were not as poor as now and flashbacked to the day when he had double appointment but I didn't take leave on that day. It wasn't coz I didn't want to but I took two days of leave already the week before and in my line of work, obtaining leave last minute is not a very good thing. Everybody would be hounding me. I was also thinking that I need to maintain my leaves not for my own enjoyment already but coz I have to reserve for the days he need to go for apppointments. At that time it was as regular as once a week.


Sometimes, I don't know if I make things worse while thinking in terms of my father's benefit. My main concern is for him to get better and at least still secure his job for the family. I know that his side of family isn't exactly too happy ever since that day when he missed his appointment at the eye clinic. I am really sore about it coz I felt that I was hugely responsible for his current state now. Even though he already went for his operation for the left eye, I still think that it is not enough. He is still struggling to see and I thought it was coz he didn't take his medication for his high blood pressure. Yet again, I felt responsible coz I should have known that he may not be able to see the fine prints on the medicine label. My father's strong independence and his determination to not coz trouble to pepole, make him more angrier maybe at himeself or the family..I dunno. But I can understand his struggles from someone who is so used to working everyday and bringing in income for the family. I am trying to make things easier for him by helping to buy him dinner since my mum is forever on her 'I wont cook' strike and then buying other foods like his bread and milk to eat at anytime. I have been preparing his medicine twice everyday since last saturday so at the very least he is fit enough for his operation instead of it being postponed to so many days.


At this moment, only one of my colleagues whom I have been working ever since I joined the company first year, has been sharing her experiences taking care of her mum. And also knowing that Im not alone when it comes to taking care of the parents coz our parents are not exactly 'young' anymore. All of us, at certain point of our time, will experience signs of aging in terms of deteriorating health.
I know a few friends or colleagues already of which they're all around my age who are also worried over one of their parents health conditions. Knowing about this is a slight comfort coz we're all trying to learn and cope with the situation. I guess now is the time when we have to start thinking about the family and how our parents used to work so hard to earn money to put food on the table, keep the water running and the lights on. It's not an easy task but if they can cope with us, the children, who played with the water or refusing to eat what they cooked coz they look greenish and sluggish (They're called vegetables by the way) I guess we have to change our mentality.


Talking about changing our mentality, I seriously think some people need to just take a break...and possibly look for a new job as well. I mean I appreciate their help when they come to my team whenever my partner is on medical leave. I don't really wanna talk much about it but yet again, she reported sick in the morning and being good friends with the doctor made life easier, if u know what I mean. When I was so sick during or just before the fever drained me of what little energy I have already, I was hardly asked if I wanted a one day or two days leave. I asked then they would give me an MC. If not, I keep quiet and so will they. Two days? Forget it. That would only be given to me if, touch wood, I get yet another full blown skin disease like the 1994 chicken pox.


Seriously, I am sick and tired of hearing everyone who had to cover her to complain and complain about the management and how they had to come to help. Look, maybe it's unfortunate enough that they had to travel to my school to help but sometimes, things can't be helped. I have my own family or personal issues to cope with other than the workload and having a partner that is M.I.A. or S.I.C.K on certain 'convenient' days of the week. Right now, saving up money is my main motivation which I try to psyche myself with whenever I feel down about my work. I understand when they said that they had to be deployed which meant having to travel yet again from their current destination of which they had just arrived only. It's even more frustrating that they are not being let off even when they have a family crisis like their child fell ill but they still have to come to work coz there are no others to deploy out.


But do you think it is gonna help in a major way to just complain and complain when the criteria is written right under our nose that travelling is part of our job. Im not siding with anyone here. I also think that it's unfair too whenever the same people is always being asked while the rest are asked once or twice. But seriously, why whine and whine whenever the opportunities are aplenty outside and we can just leave and jolly well get another job? Even though the job market is bleak, what's the point of staying in a job which don't give u satisfaction but more angry and frustrated instead coz of their lack of staff welfare. Okay, so the management sucks. But really, dont think lah that the world revolves around them only. That only they have work to do, schoolchildren to screen, papers to print, data to enter...I also have so much work to do.


Sometimes the way they put the matter across is only labelling them as being selfish. We all have a part to play and problems to cope. It's not that I like to ask them to come help me. But if they think the demands of the job is pinnin them down, then go find a new one lah. I know I am sounding harsh but seriously, I just hate it lah when people slack totally then leaving another person to clean up the mess. Then the so called help I get have only negative things to say coz they have to divert from their own team or workload to come and help me. I can't help them in anyway...the management doesn't want to employ more people...whatever we say only bounce off the walls, then just look for other alternatives lah. Stop telling me things already. I also have to cover what my colleague at the poly as and when she takes leave. Of coz I don't really like it when I have to travel from school in the afternoon to the poly. But I can't run away from my responsibility either coz it's part of my job and so I just bloody well do it and get it over and done with.


Sometimes, I think people really need to think one more time: what exactly is their motivation for working here. Are they here to earn money to cope with the family expenses or simply wanted to try something new? If they look for flexibility in a job, and this job can't provide it, then go look for another one lah. No point just complain and complain but in the end, it comes back to you coz guess what? It's stated in black and white it is part of our job requirements. You can tell me things and share with me ur frustrations but don't ever make it sound like only you have problems while others don't. Oh, and if you dont like this job already and their performance shows, then get out too lah. Don't try to run away and leave others to clean up the mess. Just get the f out lah..seriously.

Wednesday, May 17, 2006

First Progress

Hey..i looked through the archives of my blog of my first attempts at losing weight. Sadly, I didn't write about losing that first kg but about losing yet another 0.5 kg. What the heck..anyway, it was rather interesting reading about how i got the wake up call to do something about my weight.

Here are some excerpts:


"Stupid Mirrored Room"

I don't know whether am I getting fatter or wat. I probably wouldn't care as long as I don't look all frumpy and stuffs. but I seemed to be given rooms for my vision screenings in schools that HAVE mirrors. Although I like looking at myself, but not how I look when I sit down. So err...jelly like!!! Then my new colleague, though she's not exactly thin either, she knows how to dress well. And it's like after a guy drops her ( I mean, they're jerks too..so who cares), someone in line is always waiting for her. And her boyfriend is getting thinner and thinner...and get this...the last one was an army personnel. So he's gotta be slim. But can't help it too. She dresses well and looks good too...me? I'm so frumpy looking (guess I was depressed from looking at the mirror way too much) that I look years older than I actually am. But wearing clothes meant for my age...well, they make me look 'fatter'. Maybe I'm just too conscious. It's not as if this is the first year I got fat. I have been like this all along. Oh hell. Let's hope the next school i go to doesn't have mirrors in the room. Or I have to write this bull again.



"Me and My Big Fat Dream"


I had a horrible dream last nite. No, not reallie that horrible but I somehow dreamt I was in this room. FOrgot why I was there in the first place. I onlie remembered there was one of my colleagues there. Then we had to do the unspeakable. Someone was gonna take our weight. Err..u can scoff about that 'unspeakable' act but ever since school, I hated taking weights..for obvious reasons. THough in my dreams, the weight-taker seemed to put on an expressionless face when saying out the weight, wat troubled me more was the weighing machine. It has a display, just like that of a cash register, where it displays how much u have to pay. But this one looks like one of those alarm clocks that will flash the time in huge digi numbers. When it came to my turn, something happened. I walked up the weighing machine cautiously and guessed what? The machine displayed odd numbers, like u know how a calculater looked like when u dip in waters..something like that lah. Then the weight-taker tot that's odd. So asked me to go on the weighing machine again. Same thing. My worst nightmare (in a nightmare) had come true. The machine was unable to display my exact weight coz I am over the maximum weight it could display. Luckily, I woke up.Usually, on a weekend I am compelled to just wake up and start using my pc until time to buy breakfast. Guess wat? I didn't feel like starting my day just sitting and adding jelly to my ass. So, I tot..hrm...maybe I should just go out and take a walk in the park. I mean, what's so bad about walking? It's just gonna be a start of my new exercise regime. But then, I remembered. Gosh, my sports shoes have not been worn for the longest time. And it has probably collected dust 'till beyond recognition. Then, made a pact, okay, i'll start off with a healthier diet first today and gonna dump my sports shoes in the washing machine later. Then, I am gonna open a new file, just like how the dietician has for my brother, during his consultation at a children's hospital. My logic is simple. I am gonna be my own dietician and people pay a lot of money to slim down onlie to be offered the same diet plan. Eat more fruits and veggies, cut down on carbo and start exercising. My colleague, who recently err..lost 1 kg, paid over 200plus at a local hospital, onlie to do the same thing anyone could have told her to do like the above mentioned. Onli difference? The people over at the hospital was supportive. Hey, I don't have to count on those people. She, after all, is paying them...probably the fees include moral support too. Now, me and my team mate are planning to sign up for a gym membership card at our werkplace. And if there is time for us like when we come back for half day screening, we can use the extra time to go to the gym. Can't wait. Wish me luck!!



"I worked out today!!"

you know what?!! I finallie went to the gym at work..woohoo! It brought back fresh memories from the time me and nats worked out together at the school gym when I was on the treadmill. This time the treadmill is a lot bigger (and more scarier, I mz add) and has a lot of functions, supposedly helping us to determine the kind of speed and slope inclination during our walk. I did for half an hour and though it was tiring, it was reallie cool to see my flushed face all over again..after a good workout. Instant radiant! It helps having a buddie who is also keen to lose weight. For now, my target is to lose 6 kg. I mean..that's mediocre, I know...but it's not THAT easie to lose that amount in a matter of one month onlie. Unless u enlisted help. EXPENSIVE help. I try to aim at that first, and then another 6 and another 6..that sort of thing.
Unknown Title


Damn..I am so tired. After trying (in vain) to run and be inspired by one of my friends, who lost damn a lot of weight..my thighs could onlie take me so far. But I would say that it is a good improvement from last week when I could barely run one round. And that now, when I don't have a company like the last time, with my brother, it would have gotten a bit lonesome. But I kinda liked to breathe in the fresh air and just enjoy my exercise. Of course the disadvantage of walking and running around the park several times, was getting a tad bit boring..what with all the repeated sceneries (blue stairs rail, basketball court, fitness station, carpark...repeat after me..blue stairs rail, basketball....), and in my head, there is no song that I can recite..which is odd, if you ask me. So, i just stuck to counting..losing my count....counting again.....but it felt good just sweating it out. And I always had this phobia someone will just suddenly 'encourage' me to run faster so I spent time coming up with excuses in my head, everytime a jogger was about to pass me. I tot of...'i'm just recovering..so can't exercise much..'my knees just undergone an operation..' & 'i shouldn't be running..err...my doctor says so!'

Stupid

yesterday was a stupid stupid day...if they wanna make my life miserable, they certainly had done their job. They'll get what they deserve! You wanna put me down, fine....we'll see who gets the last laugh.

Monday, May 15, 2006

It's Hard

Haiz..why can't i..for once...not have any health probs in regards to the sensitivity of my skin? It's like practically every month surely one part or two of my body involving the skin will have some kind of problem. Just the beginning this year I have been suffering in silence like tolerating my severely burnt armpits due ONE time usage of deodorant and some other parts also which give me severe discomfort especially when Im hot and sweaty. Oh and last month too I had these 1 cent sized marks appearing mysteriously on my thighs and my lower abs as if they had been stubbed with a cigarette butt at random. And Im not even done yet with my descriptions. Oh, jz as the scars are slowly healing after months of discomfort, yet another one appears. Again, due to one time use of a product and this time it is a branded shampoo of which its ONE time use again, give me great discomfort and a brand new kind of skin ailment. My scalp, on the part above the hairline, have patches like as if Im growing thick patches of scabs.


My initial worry is that I could have dandruff which all these time, I never had one before. But I suspected that it was that shampoo that gave me severe case of itchiness that left my scalp to be covered in reddish lumps which have since turned to scabs. These scabs arent that easy to remove even with shampooing and conditioning. They made me lose my hair coz the scabs clumped my hair roots and so if I comb my hair or run my fingers through it, there will be hair between my fingers. Worse, flaks from the scab will fall on my shirt if I am rather aggressive or persistent in trying to scratch out the flaks. Okay, after a few washes, I don't really feel like im balding anymore and that the scabs are not that widespread or as thick as before. But nevertheless, they are still there and the only advice people give me is to go seek the doctor's opinions. Haiz...I know that money should be the least of my prob now when it comes to treating it before it gets any worse. But i just blew 45 dollars on my flu and other illness when I was hit hard by the flu bug last year of which I never took an mc. So wasted but I felt like I had no other choice coz I already felt bad enough taking leaves at least once or twice a month due to my father's check ups on his eyes. I can only 'repay' it back by trying to come to work everyday even during moments when I was sick to the bone and when my father was hospitalised.


Still, I tainted my personal record when I had to write that stupid record in regards to my punctuality one fine morning. I felt like there is no justice done to me at all like here i am, placing the needs of others before me and what do I get? A tainted record that i have been trying to maintain a good track record all these years. Im not asking for some monetary rewards or what...or a medallion as a token of appreciation of the things I do for my family or my colleagues.


Of course, I do feel at times that I just want to be left alone for once or that I don't get emotionally driven by others that I stop thinking for myself. But I have to accept that this is part of my life and I have to do what I have to do whether or not I like it. I always tell myself that there are other people who may be worse off than me and what I have right now, is considered a luxury to them. We have to be thankful for what we have before they are all taken away. I love my parents and I am not about to let them go coz I still think I need them to be around me. My parents are both of different characters and despite their differences, somehow they are still retaining their relationships. Sure, they do have their disagreements which always end them in a cold war where they just don't talk to each other. And yes, yours truly has to be the middleman..or rather..woman. My mum still thinks that she has yet to find her happiness coz she wants to live in a bigger house with balcony while my father is contented living in this house.


FOr me, I am contented to have at least a rooftop over my head. Then my mum will just sit down at her two fav spots at home just thinking about her probs of wanting to lead a much more comfortable life than now. It used to be about not having enough cash but now, it's about wanting to live in a bigger house like how long we can stay here in our modest four room flat. I don't know man...I guess she is still trapped within her childhood times where life was very difficult. Where else my father thinks that my mum doesn't give a damn about house affairs and him. However, his childhood consisted of living in the kampong village and eating whatever he fancied as he is the only son whose hot temper could intimidate people easily and his parents would give in to his demands.


Strangely, they have a reversal of characters when in adulthood. During their cold wars, which are getting more and more frequent, I have to act like a mediator in between and I don't know if the stress level, which hit me hard in late march, had got to do anything with my current health problems. I never had to face several skin related probs as this in less than a year. last time its frequency was once a year where it would be just my ankles or my fingers or my body like contracting chicken pox which didn't make sense coz so far, I don't recall going anywhere near anybody with that illness.


Whatever it is, my family problems are still on-going but I guess it is quite normal for every family to have their own set of problems. These problems can either drive the family closer or apart depending on how we decide to solve them. FOr me, I jz want to try to think positive and what is worrying me most is about my father's condition which has affected his work. Because of the rather long period of time where his eyes just worsened overnight, he is no longer placed in the permanent position of which he had held on for two years. At first, I had tried to talk him out of quitting his job one day when that vision worsened suddenly. I know that he doesnt not have the heart to quit just yet even though his salary doesn't affect the house payments or utility bills. But whatever income he makes keep the family going. Like as much as I would rather want him to be able to see and work almost everyday like the last time, I can't ignore the fact that he isn't in his best of health nowadays. Even though he had undergone an operation for one of his eyes which did improve his vision and his diabetes and high blood pressure are under control, his health can't be the same like the last time. I do wish things will be back to normal but if they are not, I have to prepare for the worst. For now, at the very least, I should be thankful that he still have a job even though, he can only cover those who can't attend work which isn't everyday. However, as to how frequent he has to cover, depends on his call to his supervisor tmw. Let's hope that his supervisor will still take him in for work. I really really hope so. I don't wish for him to lose his job.


As on my part, I am trying to think positively and do what I can financially to ease the family's burden. While people may be complaining about how tiring this job is getting and how the management is getting way too strict, I can only thank my lucky star that I still have a paying job to keep the family going. I have tried to increase my savings each month which have to involve sacrifices like having lesser money to spend on. Initially, I was determined to save up for my education next year. But now, I feel like maybe I have to postpone my education again because the money that I am trying to save for the fees may well go to the family should anything happen. My brother is still in primary school and he is still in a position where he is clueless in regards to family problems. But I don't want to add on burden to him as he has his own problems of trying to cope with school. The only advice I can offer him is that he must know how to spend his money wisely and save whenever he can and also, life doesn't equate luxury so once in awhile, he can indulge in it but not that often.


So now, starting from today, I have to change my lifestyle a bit. Sure, like I've said before, just because of the problems we are facing, we must deprive ourselves of our own happiness. I like buying new clothes but the only thing is that I have to learn to cut down spending unnecessary money. Like what I told my friend, we only have one life and no matter what, we have to keep going. We don't have to feel guilty if we indulge in moments of happiness like drinking coffee with our friends or buying that superb top. No one has the right to determine our course of life but if in life, if we are facing difficulties, we have to learn to accept the facts and see how best we can relief the situations. I doubt anyone wants to be in sadness or in turmoil for a long time.


Yesterday, I watched the first episode of this new series about Mothers. The series aim to depict the struggles some mums had to go through for the sake of the family and children. Already the first episode touched me tremendously as I saw her determination to give her severely disabled child, who cannot even walk and talk, a quality of life. Anyone else would have a different point of view. She does not even give up on her child and calling him a 'vegetable' will indeed be cruel. He is incapable of moving any of his limbs and is totally dependent on others to move him around. He can only express how he feels through his eye movements and not being able to do anything, he gets bored easily and sleep for long periods of time. His condition also makes him twice his average weight as he cannot move around like any ten year old kids. He is surviving on a respiratory system which hooks him up on wires. Maintaining this machine isn't easy and the costs are rather steep. Any other parents, who may not be able to see their child suffer no more, may choose to take the wires off so he can be 'free'. But she is different. She believes that one day, her child will be normal and she makes sure she sees through it. You're talking about a highly educated malay woman who often isn't the norm especially in the malay society. She used to hold a high flying job as an architect, yet again a male dominated area, and earned big bucks from it. She even had dreams of further pursuing her studies to the point of holding a phD.


But the condition of her son that gets extremely difficult as time goes by forces her to be a stay home mum cutting short her dreams and aspirations. Not once did she ever cry throughout the interview and she spoke so well and was highly articulate, you would think that it is such a great pity knowing that this woman made such a huge sacrifice. She has accepted her fate so well that she doesn't feel the need to cry anymore. The only things that matter to her now is that one day, her son is able to call her mummy and for her to take care of herself so that she is well enough to look after her son. I kept thinking about why won't she jz let him go? Seeing his state of helplessness is torturous enough and I don't know if it is worth all her time taking care of a boy who cannot be left on his own in case the system breaks down and he is unable to breathe. Only she has the answer which she holds on to for the past ten years. Everyday is the same as anything can happen but she makes sure she doesn't let him out of her sight.


And the most touching thing of all...her family and especially her husband is behind her all the way. She does feel that she is missing out so much in life after studying so hard over the years and seeing her ex school mates doing very well in life. But not once, she has given up on her son even in a state very very unlikely he will grow up to be independent.


These are real life examples that we can fall back behind especially for me, whenever I think that I am missing out so much in life. But I hope that God knows that I only have good intentions for my family and I know he is watching out for me and easing any burden or obstacles that I may face. I hope my dad will be better after his next operation end of the month and I hope he is able to keep his job. Right now, my priority is to take good care of myself and be less stress-free as well because stress can put unnecessary pressure on my health. I have been through worse times than this like the unforgettable time when my water and electricity bills were almost cut off. No one could help us..even the ones who were always flaunting their wealth and suddenly when we needed help for a couple of hundreds, suddenly they had a thousand excuses. In the end, someone who isn't even blood related lent a helping hand. I learnt not to judge from her and my mum and me even went as far as helping the very same people who turned our desperate pleas down when they needed our help.


SOmetimes, what goes around comes around and if we do good, hopefully our life will be more smooth sailing ahead and problems are easily overcomed and resolved. This is not the first time I am facing with a hardship and throughout my blog, I have written about the problems that either me or my family faced and so far, we came out strong each time. The last being my father's last operation which gave him back a better vision on his left eye than before. It was nerve wrecking on that day trying to pull myself together as I had never done this before..settling his hospital admission and any necessary paperwork alone. But the next time, I try not to decide alone and ask for a second opinion. I guess at times, we think that no one can offer us a helping hand but u'll never know. Like I said, we're not alone.

Mother's Day

okay this entry is a tad bit late but nevertheless wanna wish all mothers a happy mother's day! I didn't plan to do anything for my mum coz despite my mum's particular neurotic habit of upkeeping personal hygiene, she's not that big on celebrations. Infact, she is easily satisfied like she jz wanted two stick of sotong heads from old chang kee and strangely, she didnt ask for her fav snacks which is Mamee. Yeah, that snack with the blue cookie monster lookalike on the packaging with the 'everlasting' smile. The one that we had indulged in once upon a time in our lives but my mum, her indulgence started last year when she is past her mid forties. Oh, but she did ask for something else. Twenty ripe tomatoes from the nearby cold storage to make tomato juice in order to retain her health..and her..uhm..youthfulness. Usually, I'll be like...sighz.....thinking about carrying the load of tomatoes plus other stuffs that are just aplenty. But today, I didnt really feel so bad like maybe coz yesterday, I psychoed myself into thinking that I am doing her big favours almost everyday coz it's good enough I have a rooftop over my head. And that she is paying the monthly house payments with her cpf from her years of working.


I feel rather bad coz she did bring up the idea of using my own cpf to help pay when I have accumulated enough. I have only like what..four years plus of working experience and so it's THAT much. But everytime, i think about it, I think about how in a few years time later, how is she gonna enjoy her retirement when much of her money has gone into paying for the house every month? I don't mind paying off lah even though I may end up having a lot lesser come to my own retirement. But if she is willing to take charge and sacrifice, I feel that this is a small matter. So, I guess it helps me to think positive that okay, Im just doing my family a favour buying for them groceries and food whether after work or on weekends. It's not that I am being placed under lock and chains and only released to do the necessary chores. I can do my own stuffs after that once I get what she wanted for the family.


Maybe Im wrong but I guess in a way, she is appreciative of what I have been doing for the family even to the extent of travelling out of the way just to buy food instead of the usual nearby places. It may irritate me thinking that i have to travel to a place crowded with people (like half of singapore's population are living there or something) but I try not to think too much. Just buy and get lost. Fast. Then also to distract myself with music playing from my mp3 listening to jason mraz or gorillaz. But I think the method of just getting it over and done with is better..hehe..


But of coz, I still am not sure if she does love me like amidst her bossing me around, I dont know if she is treating me as I am. I still think that she loves my brother more even though he makes her angry more than me with his rather quick temperedness like especially the minute my mum tell him off. He eats a lot and even eats into people's share unconsciously like eating my mum's packet of large fries jz coz he is damn hungry, he'll gobble up any available food. Oh, whether or not his either. Even I try to control him and he'll give this huge shrug saying that whatever he does, is not right. Despite often trying to rationalise to him that we're not scolding for fun but to correct him, the next time he'll forget again. Still, my mum will still adore him and I don't know where she places me in her heart. I mean it's good enough that I will go out of the way just to buy food or whatever but she'll keep calling me and asking my whereabouts citing that if she does not keep track, i'll take my own sweet time. I dont really do that but like come on, I do have my own stuffs to get too. I am a working individual, and therefore i can afford to buy things for myself and the last time I checked, they don't pay me by the hour too. It irritates me if she calls me like every twenty to half an hour to ask if I am done or heading home already. That kinda gives me doubts like does she appreciate whatever I am doing now as a daughter or a convenient person to do the chores.


I really dunno...the only thing that I know she does for me is to wash my dirty clothes with the washing machine once I accumulate enough to start a mini hill..hee. She doesn't ask me how' s my day or if I have eaten. Only occasionally she'll ask over the phone or what like what I ate if I said I had lunch just now. Oh, then when I bring home bags of groceries, she's just sitting there while my brother just grab the food first and not helping me to put down the things or what. I don't know if she pities me or not for carrying so many things, meant for more than one person to carry. She doesn't say anything but she says affectionate things to my brother like I love my son..but she doesn't say anything to me. I do feel sad thinking about it. Sometimes it hit me so hard that I'd just tear up but most times, I try not to think too much about it. I should be thankful that my parents are still alive and I am still alive and my family doesn't have any major crisis or financial problems like how we did before. She's still my mum and I do appreciate her half listening to me when I talk to her (the other half goes towards listening to the drama she is watching) about work problems or colleague problems. Then she also confides in me about her friends or her younger sister who never asked about her well being or even about our recent family crisis when my father was hospitalised. She always talk about her in laws like her sister in law and then always come up with some excuse the minute my mum starts talking about her stuffs. She never paid a visit saying she wouldn't know how to get out of the mrt to go to the hospital. I was thinking that would be the last thing she would say knowing she' s not the type who just stays at home.


People say that im a good kid who cares about her family and about her future like wanting to pursue further studies. But people like my colleagues who often hear my plight whenever my mum calls to ask me to buy back food or groceries, they symphatise with me. True, I do get irritated with her ridiculous requests to just take half day to help buy food for my father if he is at home and she'll call so often I'll be saying loudly like she think this is my father's company or what, can go home anytime. Then I am not that happy about her talking bad about my father coz as much as his erratic temper can be annoying, I guess it's not fair to blame it all on him. I can only try to reason out with both my parents whenever they each tell me the problems they have with each other. The thing is, both my parents, they're the stubborn sort. They say means they say..and no one can change that. I can only be the middle person giving them assurance that maybe coz of this or maybe coz of that he or she is behaving that way. it's tiring but they are, after all, my parents and I couldn't ask for anyone else.


I know my mum isn't as loving towards me as other people often portray through the media or in the public. She doesn't even cook for the family anymore for the longest time and only waits for me to throw the rubbish when I reach back home and also to vacuum almost everyday. But she's still my mum and I do appreciate her even though she drives me nuts with her constant tall order and her strict maintenance over my personal hygiene.


At times, there are people who indirectly touched me with their stories of their plight whether on the tv or the newspapers. Today, especially..being a mother's day, my immediate thought about people in general is to buy a present for mum or a cake and taking her out for dinner. But reading sad stories about mums who are going through hardship such as being diagnosed with cancer or taking care of their children with special needs, it made me think hard. It is not easy being a mum. Even mums who become home-makers are working themselves despite not holding down a paying job. Taking good care of the family is a job in itself. I reviewed my life again whenever I read stories of real life plight that I appreciate even more of my own life, being 'cushioned' with comfort with no serious illness to overcome or major problems to deal with. I also think about how I have been treating others. I guess my 'niceness' can be attributed to my personal character who doesn't like to hurt other people's feelings knowing full well how it is like being treated like an alien. I can just turn the table and play it against them but I won't be any different from them. I'll be just as cruel or horrible as them.


Seeing people gaining strength through their faith and believe that they can pull through their personal crisis such as overcoming a loved one's death, shines new light on me. I start doing things that i have been putting aside for so long and then treating others in a better manner. I start thinking about what i want to do with my life coz we can never anticipate what is going to happen tomorrow. People have been acting complacent or selfish with little care for others and then working their butts off to earn the promotions till they forget about their loved ones around them. They lose touch of reality and will only touch base if they land themselves in tragic situation. It is sad to know that only when things like this happen that we stop and think about what we have been doing so far. Does life equates to money? Does the world revolves around us only? Who are we fooling ourselves for. There is so much to life and we definitely need one another as life is not just one single path ahead. When I think about why I still am not slim enough and why cant I have her thighs, I get unhappy. I used to go crazy whenever I gained even half a kilo depriving myself of food and thus the nutrients jz to lose back that half kilo. What do I end up with? Random spots on my inner elbow and my thighs coz I suffered from mild case of undernourishment. Now, I still control my food intake but I don't deprive myself so badly I eat once and the rest of the day, I only drink water. I won't stop myself from my quest of being slimmer but I am not about to give myself a bad skin.


So okay, I will tell myself to stop comparing myself to others if it is just going to make me unhappy. I can aim to be slim but I shouldn't feel so freakin' down seeing others looking good in what they wear while i have to be contented with my bulging stomach, rounded hips, thunder things. I mz think that at the very least, I am embarking on this quest and I haven't given up since. I have seen results however and I must appreciate that nowadays, I get to wear nicer clothes than before and I have better complexion. This wouldn't be possible if I never put in any efforts and just let life pass me by like that with me forever being unhappy with the way i look. If we can change for the better, why not.


In the case of my mum, I may not be able to change her perceptions of whatever she has on me. I guess in my case, I must thank God that we are still going strong as a family. Maybe my mum does love me...perhaps even more than she does to my brother, I'll never know. I still love my mum and I hope she knows that whatever I have done for the family so far, I don't ask for anything else but for them to continue being with me for as long as I live.


Mum, I wish you a happy mother's day...

Thursday, May 11, 2006

STuffs

hey...

today was quite a fun day..az usual..i was 'clowning' around but it wasn't intentionally done. Go figure. narh, sometimes you dont have to try so hard but jz be ur usual self. It comes with self confidence. If you feel confident about urself, it's like the world revolves around ur buffered fingertips.


My partner did an amazing thing the other time and I could not thank her enough. Even though...uhm..it was sorta an escape for her over some matters which I knew she loathed to do but heck, she did me a huge favour without me asking and I thought I owed her some too. My mum, who is forever busie in her own terms only, which resulted me fetching my dad from the hospital at the last minute, thought that I should give her something in return. She wanted me to give her a huge box of chocolates and had it wrapped up. Well..since she didnt give me the money, and also knowing that my colleague ain't big on people giving her stuffs, i just bought her this row of ferrero rochers and a pair of manicure set. And I couldn't resist buying the same set for myself either. THis is what I call...shopping in woman's term. You almost couldnt resist buying something for urself either. Sometimes I forget I am there to buy someone a gift and not to buy the handbag selling at a huge discount. But hey....my uhm..previous set has been used till it is beyond recognition. My nails and I deserve better treatment after a harrowing week!


Okay, maybe what i want to say next may not please some muslims. So if you wanna comment, do comment wisely. Hey, give me a break coz religion is not some easy peasy sort of job. K, so I am a muslim and in a mosque where we pray, we have to don the religious get-up consisting of a head scarve and long sleeves loose blouse and long pants or skirt. We're not suppose to show our skin except for our palm and our face although there are others who tend to overdo it. So, i had a job assignment to do vision screening at a mosque and obviously, I had to dress appropriately as a sign of respect even though I wasnt there to pray but to do my job. But I felt like a fakie coz I have yet to wear the head dress even though at my age, it is a compulsory act. Only thing is, if you are 110% percent ready then it is best not to put it on yet. If not, you'll be looked upon as some sinner in the muslim community with our bad ass attitude. We're supposed to be good muslims once we put that on coz being religious is not just about being well groomed on the outside but we have to be 'clean' on the inside as well. So those people who still cheat others of their money and using religion as a way to con people like the recent case of this muslim woman, they're morons with absolutely no respect.


Anyway, the staff at the mosque kindergarten were helpful especially the main co ordinator. Can tell that she is a good muslim coz for me, good muslims, like those with kindness in their hearts with little or non existent bad traits in them, tend to 'glow' from the inside. Really!! Those with a bad heart, usually their complexion has this dark and gloomy look to it and they're always very stingy with their smile. But many of them, they just have this glow like an angel. I..glow.....coz I put on sunscreen only. Eh, but recently right, I had not been putting on the sunscreen and I still looked like I glowed till I actually remembered that I had not put it on. WELL..what can I say..I AM a good person..heh heh..or was my face a tad bit oily that time? Hrm..nolah..Im simply a saint...


Oh, u know what? Have you seen people wearing those brightly coloured croc shoes that look like plastic clobbers with holes in them and they're wearing them like it's the latest trend? I tell ya..there're so farking ugly! I dont care about their benefits or whatever, and if you are looking for a pair of shoes that provide soles that are kind to ur feet, I suggest birkenstock sandals. They're way trendier, comfortable......and non clumsy looking like those croc shoes. They're simply an outfit killer! I dont think it matters if you wear those shoes to the wet market or something but if you are dressed up nicely from the top and until some pair of eyes linger to ur feet and spot those ugly shoes, which by the way dont match to anything, you are simply a fashion victim. And suddenly being bare footed and walking along orchard road is sexier. If you have that pair of shoes, I suggest you donate them to the third world countries, provided they dont send them to exile once the shoes touch their airport base. By the way, did anyone ever tell you that if it happens to rain when you're wearing those shoes, chances are your toes will shrink to the size of matchsticks due to the numerous holes in the shoes.









I am no fashion maven but I'll never be caught dead wearing these shoes. Even if they're in bright pink.











Wednesday, May 10, 2006

Ugly Days

hey..you know what? I jz realised that it has been ages since I last updated you about my progess in terms of being..well..slimmer..hehe. I can tell you that the progress has been good. Let me see if I can backtrack a bit and dig out the blog post i wrote about the very first kg i ever lost. Forget about the kgs I gained back few months later..hehe. But it marked the initial attempts of mine to lose weight. I would say that it wasnt easy in a whole big way. The temptations were sky high. But if you wanna lose weight, and you stay focus, it actually makes you feel stronger especially when you look at ur weight and see how it keep on falling and falling. Then all the efforts you put in, the hard work, the sweat..makes it all worth it coz you know what? It can only mean one thing...shopping for nicer clothes and bigger confidence! So I tell ya..shake off ur worries and ur laziness! If for years, you havent been exercising or eating healthily, worse...thinking that the weight will never come off and you will forever be like that...stop that thought! If i can do it, I dont see why not u. I used to be very big..and I dare say that at my heaviest point, I was 10 kg heavier than my last weight taken when I left school. It stuck with me for a few years until recently. Now I weigh lesser than I used to weigh back then in pre university. Still a rather long way before I am almost my ideal weight but what the hell...I know i can do it and I am here to spur you on.


And I wanna thank all my friends and colleagues who had been giving me positive comments about my weight loss. Although I am still not within the satisfied range that I sorta overlooked the fact that I was lighter than when I first started, they are quite right ah..hehe. Well, the view up here cannot really see how much I lost weight lah. Plus, I had brainwashed myself for so long that I was never big. Until I looked at the pics. Other than that, I refused to believe how big I became. Once I touch back on reality, and see for myself in the mirror, I realised that I got to do something.


Even though people still think that I had some help like slimming pills, health shake watever, and also refusing to believe that gym could not have helped me lost weight, I dont give a damn. It bit me initially that people were overlooking the hardship I went through giving up so many things..including..sniff..chocos....but over the time, I dont really care. Say what they want to say or believe, for me..... I dont stay back after work and come back home 8 plus after going to the gym to cover up the fact that I had more help than going to the gym. If i want to pretend, I wouldnt have bothered to stay back and go back 7.30 ish when everyone had gone home when the clock struck 5.30pm. If they dont believe that exercising has helped me significantly, they obviously haven't seen the dramatic changes in my eating patterns. Then F them..I am still going strong. I am winning this war, and if they havent done anything but keep saying and saying over wanting to lose weight, who is at loss now.


Anyway, enough about that. You know what..there were two things that I wanted to highlight about. But now..come to think of it, I jz got my monthly cleo subscription (and dammit, I didnt win dec contests!) and they had this really interesting article. For me, Im pharking ugly lah..but during my teen years, it was worse. Like u are supposed to blossom into this pretty young thing that make men in their twenties weak in their knees with our lolita charm. But I thought I looked older than I am which actually continued on till my early twenties. No one would ever believe me if I told them I was 18 or 19 or 21 even. They had this disbelief on their face...like they couldn't have gotten their calculations wrong somewhere.


I did like a truckload of things to erase that stigma like wearing pink and wearing clothes a size smaller than I was. Oh, and wearing cardigans lotsa time to hide my bulk. Then I came to my realisation that I was making a fool out of myself and at one point of time, I detested pink so much. I was in black after that or in dark blue. I kept on gaining weight till it was out of control and my complexion was blah....I had this gloomy dark complexion like an unpolished kettle..haha..I couldnt be bothered by anythinglah. I had evolved into this 'I dont give a damn' mode.


Now I *cough*..approaching..*cough*...a certain age, I actually looked a tad better. Only a wee bit..haha..but okaylah. I am still battling weight problems and as my waistline gets smaller now. Fuwah..cant believe, lost 7 inches...with the last two inches off jz recently. Oh, anyway, though my stomach is flatter than previously...it is still thick with fat lah..hehe...and I am like..argh!! Cant get rid of it yet! But I heard that the stomach is harder to lose...but hell, as long as I can fit the new skirts, well..it's only a matter of time..haha.

Hey, let me present to you some pics....





This is me with an impromptu class photo in year 2000. Me with my uhm...'diana ross'..hairstyle.





This is me like a few months before im 21. That was in year 2002





This was taken last sunday at my friend's open house. A bit better only lah but like I said, I still dont quite fancy my stomach. The skirt was given by my very nice friend who gave me some of her clothes and also an encouraging note when I lost my very first 1 kg. KNow what? You're my inspiration! When I first wore the skirt, it was a struggle, then it got a bit easier but still quite tight that it hiked up a bit. Now, I worry if it's gonna drop..haha!! But i love the skirt!





Same day..or rather night...around 9 plus after visiting my dad at the hospital.


So..what do you think? Anyway, I dont see myself as a babe or what..or gorgeous..infact, they're probably camera tricks...haha! U know how the flash works and everything.. (*_*) yes..blinDing.

Sunday, May 07, 2006

sitis housewarming!





































Voting!

what the hell...bad freakin week. every time i tell myself that tomorrow will be a better day..something is sure to happen. i know my tradition of blog writing is that i like to just let it all loose and swear..curse..whatever...to sort of let go of all the anger that I am feeling inside. But now, i seriously dont feel like writing about the things that let me down. I dont even know where to start. And to top it up, I am slightly less concerned about my diet now. For example snacking like no people's business.

but today, when I am not working..(wa hoo!!), it actually got better! take this down..'rahayu had a good day on the 6th of may!' coz im in better control now. I vacuumed the house up..picked up the dirty laundry in my room...washed my jeans and pants...threw the rubbish away in my room...wiped my dressing table..charged my mp3 player..rearranged my wardrobe...went to get breakfast and grocery shopped...had better control over food ( like no old chang kee!!) and ate fruits and drank watermelon juice too....and i had an invigorating facial session like using a mask and deep cleanser which is actually due the next day. I also cut and buffed my nails and washed my hair after *Gasp* a few freakin' days. But i just want to look and feel better not only through health and beauty needs..also through the home environment.


Okay, one thing i can say is that my dad has been hospitalised. I did a boo boo intially coz i seriously had no idea about the hospital procedures and stuffs like the initial point of admissions and the fees. I just felt like I should do the right thing and provide as much comfort to my dad, who is also a first time hospital patient. I was petrified..but I had to stay in control...of my nervousness and I was seriously trying to hold back the tears. Not coz I was sad about my dad having to be admitted. But I was scared coz I was nervous like hell. I had no one to turn to and ask for help or opinions and my mum only know how to talk rot..(that time, they were both not on speaking terms)...In the end, I thought I made the biggest mistake of my life by admitting him in the wrong class of ward. Like I said...finance is not a problem...coz my dad's medisave is quite a lot..but I thought I wasted his money. I did ask for his opinions and only considered his opinions which let me to decide to put him in his current class. Still, I dont feel like going into the details of what exactly happened which made me really upset and stupid. But after hearing from my colleague did the same thing for her son and other people's experiences, and seeing for myself how my dad is getting on in his ward, I think that I have not made a bad decision after all. Most importantly is that I dont want to stress my father up and making him have sleepless nights. Only thing is I hope they will refund me back the deposit I have made without his knowledge...at least i feel i am less guilt-ridden..hee. What am I saying? He is getting on fine..his health is stabilising better and he is in comfort. So much so..our family's hospital visits dont feel like one...it felt more like a family outing...haha..especially my brother. He treats my father's single patient ward like some house in a condo and of all the things, he is more excited about the toilet and shower room. He's weird..don't ask. Oh, if you're singaporean and u think that wah..im super rich put him in A class coz he is all alone..no. I dont know why they put him there in the first place coz that was not the class I requested. Maybe God knows that I only have good intentions for him and He 'up' the level a bit by granting him that room for almost a week, I have no idea.


I hope my dad's operation goes smoothly and I also hope they dont charge more for the extra days he is there coz they keep postponing the operation. Well, I didn't ask them to postpone so why should they charge me extra right? Anyway, that's my logic only lah. Seriously, dont eat into my deposit. I need to return him back his money! haiz....see? Im still confused as to whether I made the wrong decision or not. But okay, you have to give me the benefit of the doubt. I just wanted him to be in as much comfort as possible being his first time and all as long as we can afford it. And oh, my first time as well admitting my dad and doing the paper work after that. At least the next time, I know it better and I will ask around first before making big decisions. Actually right, I should write it down in my own life book. Ask for other people's opinions first..like those with the right experience, before making the final decision.


Oh, I need to say one more thing. Today was polling day. Was..coz the final vote was at 8pm and the results are out. Honestly, I am not big on politics but I know that they are the core of every nation so we, as the citizens, should make the decision of choosing the right people to run it. I just sounded serious yet have no idea what I am trying to say. I was only very nervous coz I had to vote for the first time and I was really scared of it. Okay, there is no big deal about crossing the box..I only have to mark a big fat 'X' over the choice of person or party. I was nervous actually..coz of the whole voting procedure. I seriously tot I was going to screw up..like I dunno....over extend my X or marking in the wrong box..or forgot to bring my voting pass or my i.c....little stuffs like tat. But the thing that worried me most was that I was going to follow the wrong instructions or doing the wrong thing and being help up coz of something I did.


Okay, after that, it seriously felt 'ok' and as usual, I made a big thing out of a small thing..at least about the voting procedure. It was smooth flowing coz I tried my best to follow instructions, and uhm..observe what the person infront of me was doing. Two things did spooked me lah. First thing was how while waiting for my turn, this woman in black, one of the voting officers, kept looking at me like Im some familiar face and I was spooked by her 'rebonding session gone wrong' hair. Second thing was, how the next person who gave me the voting slip later, had to say my name out loud. I was like looking around for a bit like eh? who is she talking to? I looked at her back and she was looking down trying to tear out the voting slip. But if that's part of the procedure, watever lah. Just thanked my luck there wasn't a crowd at all. Just some neighbours of mine from the same block.


I won't say who I voted for although I hope whose box i crossed just now, would forgive me for the child-like cross I did. I didn't practise my Xs lah at home to give a perfect one. Like my mum said..they should provide a ruler so that her X would not look so wobbly coz she cant draw the lines properly..haha..


Okay, one of the voting parties sent each house a manifesto or a booklet with their speech on it. I read it and I was thinking that one thing, this opposition party wanted to bring the message across that the current party had not been doing a good job. The govt had not been doing justice to the citizens and they have been suffering under certain circumstances. He knew coz apparently many had come to him and spill out their woes. Okay, sure that is the job of the opposition party. They should try to convince us more. And as much as I thought he did try to convince us to vote for that, somehow he left out some important things. Sure since they are competing, they naturally would tell us bad things about the contested party. But, you see..I don't care who said what or who did what. The speech actually left out some critical points that could change their luck. Concrete plans. Plans of what they are going to do if they win and how they are going to stand up for us citizens. Only then do we know we are voting for the right party.



Anyway the results are out and being a first timer, It was quite an experience. If I can be a nervous wreck just having to vote, dunno how the players are feeling. Typically, I would say 'good luck!' Hee..coz right now, rahayu can officially vote and make a difference to Singapore with my vote. I feel superior! Haha..okay im a daze...so sleepy. The latest update is that now, I just hope my day gets better and better like just now was a good start. No bad luck so far..hehe.

Friday, May 05, 2006

Bad Week

i'm really having a bad week. To top it off....I had to do a farking report on why i was late for reporting to work at some poly which i was supposed to do a coverage. I had been warned by my colleague to try to turn up early for that poly attachment as now they are tracking what time we open up the system. Ever since the arrival of the new supervisor, he had been controlling and revising everything to a T and had seriously been putting his previous managerial skills to good use...torturing everyone, that is. And to think my second head in charge, had been welcoming the new changes with open arms. Obviously she was blind lah...the changes might drastically whip up the system into a communist country..but the people are the ones suffering. Like what the fark, we are the ones who have to go out to travel and do the screening...and the schedule for this month was planned so farking tightly that we could hardly breathe before the next session. Each session we had to screen almost thirty students. What if not all students are not of the same learning abilities? We can almost choke to death repeating the same things over and over esp for those who need to be instructed every single time. Like as much as we know that they're just kids, it's also difficult for us if there are so many other students waiting for their turn but the workflow does not become smooth coz we may spend more time on those with some difficulties. But the management mentality is that...somehow..every student is the same....they're like robots and we are like robots too that every one churns out the same number of minutes of screening..no more no less.


I have one advice for the new fella. You just came in and I suggst you farking well learn the processes....learn to separate between reality and what have been stated in SOP....learn to be more open...and learn to implement changes AFTER seeing things as it is..and not keep churning out ideas after ideas. And also learn to be more human. I think the last one is the most important. So I dont have to do that stupid farking report on my lateness although I swore that a major accident caused the hold up. But to the communist commandos? No such thing as a major accident. Whatever makes you happy lah. You're not paying me anyway.

Monday, May 01, 2006

Everyday

Since I got mere minutes to write..and this being the beginning of a new month (and new bank balances thanks to govt contributions)...I think I shall come up with this song lyrics.


nb:technically, they're not but you can like sing or hum along to it if you want


Everyday I aim to....
wake up with a brand new confidence
be punctual for work
be prepared early for work
look fashionably good
moisturise at least twice
eat healthily and in moderation
exercise at least ten min on stepper
walk and stand with the right posture
be nice to my family (hard but worth a try)
spend time on my designing hobbies
organize my time well
watch my expenditures
teach my brother his homework
not bring myself down
not to be majorly irritated by mum's instructions
wash my face at night
write in my diary online or offline
charge my handphone and mp3 player
drink at least two bottles of water
do a kind deed
not put on a sour face
plan my online shop layout
cut and paste magz and newspaper articles
learn some new facts
plan my e magazine
write down my expenditures
So far those are what I can think of..and to think my life is dead boring..haha..no wait..it IS.

Long Weekend, A Little Rambling & My Lack of Gratitude

The day I discover IG filters It's almost mid week to August..argh. I am in the midst of a long weekend, which sadly will come to ...