Wednesday, August 30, 2006


Originally uploaded by rahayupopz.
one of the perils of being rather tall, can never take a close shot without forehead being cut off..haha..Still, i took it coz I liked my hair that day! I found a way to tame my hair and make it look glossy. blow dry and anti frizz lotion..the two things I had for yonks but seldom used!


Originally uploaded by rahayupopz.
gosh...after i stopped using a sunscreen of spf 40++, my skins looks better and not 'aged' by the sun. Haiz...and they say a bare face is prone to aging.


Originally uploaded by rahayupopz.
sometimes I couldn't decide whether to smile or not...but ah, i think better teeth looks oddly out of place


Originally uploaded by rahayupopz.
okay this one I know was taken in feb the toilet some more right after i purchased the blouse i was wearing in the pic. jz thought that this pic, compared to my pics in august, I looked like a younger sister in this one. did you see how cheery and glowy I was then? devoid of problems, I wished I could turn back time..

Tuesday, August 29, 2006

Monday, August 28, 2006

Geek1 Geek 2

You know what. My blog entries have been rather depressing so here's a 'fun' take on something close to my heart. Right..doesn't mean Jason Mraz is a geek, Im contemplating on being a geek just like him. COz the truth is, I am ALREADY a geek way before he was born! And yet he's still older than me. what I told my friend the last few weeks we hung out together at library Orchard, Im all dressed up and all pretty (cough..cough..cough..) or rather, attempted to look pretty, I'd rather be known as a drop dead gorgeous bombshell who can't tell the difference between a chocolate chip and a computer chip. But don't let me start talking enthusiastically about something that spells out 'YOU'RE A GEEK!'..that's it, either my date is impressed or he's turned off coz he just found out he is dating a geek. But hey, in today's context, being a a cool thing..hehe..really!

Okay, so on a typical 'get to know' session with a hot hot hot guy (which is unlikely so I have to make this up), our conversation will be like

hot guy: so rohayu right?


hot guy: oh..rahayu..can i call you ayu??

me:i would have said no..but since you're so cute...oh well...why not?

hot guy: okay ayu (im trying not to vomit blood by that lame nickname of mine)...tell me what your interests are

me: well, i like to sing..

hot guy: really? hey, we can go karaoke some time...sing me a line!

me: err..i dont think you want to..

hot guy: aww..come on! just a line...i promise i wont laugh

me: laugh? what laugh? i was afraid you'll cry!

hot guy: from laughing?

me: no! i meant...cry from all the emotions you get from hearing me sing
hot guy: seriously? ok try me..

me: *singing* HA LA LA LA LA...!!! are you listening to every single word I say..HALALALA..LAAA!!

hot guy: uhm............OKAY! so what else do you like to do?

me: err...I like to read up on computer stuffs

hot guy: oh wow...that's very very interesting..but you dont look like a typical computer geek.

me: I know... Im too gorgeous

hot guy: tell me about it *smiling coyly*

hot guy: you know what? i have this pc problem which I hope you can like help me to see whats wrong..

me: i dont know THAT much coz im a I.T. newbie but anyway, i'll try
hot guy: okay, recently my computer has been lagging a lot and then I keep getting this annoying pop up ads even though I don't remember going to such websites.

me: what kind of ads?

hot guy:

me: must have clicked on some links that install malicious codes into your computer system

hot guy: oh how do i get rid of them?

me: easy. just click on the porn pop up ad and buy one of the girls so that they'll stop annoying you

hot guy: hahahaaha!! you're so funny..i mean, do i get rid of it?
me: can actually download some free programmes off the net that will help to track down and clear these spywares..which is what these pop up ads are called.

hot guy: oh..what kind of softwares?

me: well...can start downloading a popular one called lavasoft ad-aware. and after successful removal, you can configure your system to put up a firewall that will help to block unauthorised users. for extra safety, you can actually download windows service pack 2 that can help to keep your browser safe by blocking such unwanted content.

hot guy: goodness...u seriously know our stuff! what else do you know?

me: i like it when a guy is looking smart in his crisp office attire and carrying a laptop bag with him. Oh oh oh...and the way he scrunches his face figuring out some codes on the laptop and running his fingers quickly is just a major turn on for me..*grinning*

hot guy: that why im here?

me: yah..i like ur laptop

hot guy: you mean you're dating me coz I happened to carry a laptop?

me: well...why not?

hot guy: gawd..that sounds so shallow! you might as well date my laptop!

me: i would if it can speak. Aww..come on! I was just kidding! I like you even without your laptop!

hot guy: really? sweet of you. i like you too...i thought you're so quiet the first time I met you and hey...did you lose weight? you looked fab now!
me: well..not really. was I tat FAT the last time we met? what's up with you people! So you agreed to go out with me now jz coz I looked fab now?! Now who is shallow?!!

hot guy: no no! That's not what I meant...but you look much better now...and hey, I gave you my number then..even though you're not as do i put this fab as now. See? I liked you then and I like you now...
me: you're sweet.

hot guy: just one question. Let's say I am not carrying my laptop with me now...would you still wanna date me

me: well i said, im not dating your laptop

hot guy: hehe...what if im just in my casual wear, like just a shirt and bermudas? not like now in my work shirt?

me: then I can forget about dating you..

hot guy: what?! what's your fascination with that kind of attire?

me: anyway, it doesn't matter what you wear...what matters more is what is underneath that work shirt of urs..

hot guy: you...........naughty.....b..

and so the conversation stops and we go for a...walk...what were you thinking? haiz.........Anyway, that was interesting. So you see..being a geek can be cool! Trust me, guys peering over their laptop? learn to speak their language girls!

But if you ask me ah...I still prefer to sing...

Sunday, August 27, 2006

Hope and Forgiveness

I just saw this episode on Ghost Whisperer which was so emotional that I couldn't help but cry myself silly. Despite its slow ratings back then in America where apparently hot housewives seemed more likely to garner higher viewership or people lost forever on an island seemed to be more interesting, I don't care. One thing the show did show to mere mortals like me that when you have the chance to still be here, then treasure every single moment. I was having a bad day earlier on and was so sad yet mad at the same time I actually shed a tear in the bus..and man I was hoping the woman beside me was sleeping or distracted. I just felt that I was being pressurized by a mistake I made that no matter how I tried to explain my side of story, it wouldn't even matter anyway coz you know why? I had to write a freakin report that would go straight into my personal file. I had one of that report already in my file and in any case, apologies or feelings of remorse would not have made any difference coz of my department's straight thinking to finish the programme whether or not the people doing the job slog at it. Sometimes i feel like Im such a robot doing things that are rather mechanical and if not for some of my colleagues or seeing how some of them got it far worse than me, I would be in tears for not being able to do anything to change the situation.

However, I didn't feel like I was being applauded for my on going efforts to try to keep the team away from trouble by doing the job properly and with honesty. It wouldnt matter that all this time as they tried to deter us from taking frequent medical leaves, here I am on without any mc this year and guess what? They had to rub it in by giving the award to someone who has a checkered record of medical leaves but was deserving of it coz she smiles a lot and is friendly. What gives? She got the award a second time due to that and with over 40 staff, there seems to be a repeat of award recipients. But you know what? It wouldn't have mattered anyway. I know I can never be promoted as I have not made any major contributions to the department or vocalise anything that can be of any benefit despite making 6 successful suggestions through the system. But I cared more about keeping a clean track record and then I had to stain it...dammit! You know how angry I feel? I don't know if I should be angry with them for being so obssessive over this report writing thing or angry with myself for still being here and not moving forward in terms of career. I know that I can never advance in this department and it is not because I didn't think that I was not capable. It's just that there is no sense of respect given around here and all they cared for are statistics, statistics and statistics!!! Might as well give them the finger and make a statistic out of it.

Just as I thought that I should start doing some soul searching, I watched this show and actually, I almost missed the episode. The main lead in this show is the buxom Jennifer Love Hewitt who has the ability to talk to ghosts and who would go the way of helping them to solve the issues that kept them earth bound instead of stepping into the white light. Sounds complicated? You watch Sixth Sense? Well, there you go. Except this time Jennifer has not been caught drunk driving like the lead in Sixth Sense recently.

Why I almost missed this episode coz I almost forgot and also, I recapped the trailer and it showed this heavily tatooed man who has become a ghost to be haunting her and her husband in their home. It looked as if the man was rather evil coz he didn't smile and her husband was as if swinging his baseball bat around to hit him blindly. But when I turned on the tv, it came to the part where Jennifer's character was demanding an answer as to why he was terrorising them. Then it hit me. My eyes were tearing up as he was telling his sad story which began with a botched robber at a bank where he was aiming his gun but unfortunately, it went off and hit an innocent man passing by. He was eventually caught and it was in prison that he felt remorseful someone died in his hands. He felt that he had thrown away his life just like that even though he had a beautiful wife who loved him and a son whom he had never seen before but fell in love with him the moment he saw him at the door of his house as a very young boy. He was asked to leave by his wife for constantly being in trouble and she didn't want their son to end up like that. His son didn't even know of his existence because she also didn't want him to know what kind of father he was. He was determined to make it good if he leaves the prison and the images of his son kept playing in his mind and he wanted so much for them to be a family again and to get back his wife's love for him.

Upon his release, he was asked to do something bad again by a prison mate but he refused as he wanted to leave his past behind for the sake of his family. However, he met his death on the way back as he rode on his motorbike and was knocked down by a road bully. He died but before that, the last person he saw was the ghost whisperer's husband who was working as a paramedic. Somehow, he started haunting him which made her to believe that he was just disturbing his peace but he didn't want him. He just wanted to get to her because he knew of her ability in the hospital as she was trying to search for something to help another lost soul.

What got me was how he wanted to apologise to the family of the man he had accidentally killed and the fact that he died without being able to change for the better, seriously made me so sad about it. He is destined to be a wandering soul who is still bounded by the same strong human feelings before his death. He could neither go to the spirit world or go back to earth and it will be one very long journey of loneliness. To me, I just felt that I didn't want to end up being in such a situation and one may think that upon death, our soul will be gone for good but what if we're stuck here on this very ground and then being able to see our loved ones but not able to touch them, to laugh with them or to cry with them. They could not see us but may be able to feel our presence only and that is very sad as if there is a barrier between us and there is no way that barrier can be broken down.

To cut the story short, the dead man's family was not willing to apologise which didnt allow him to set him free from earth in which he disappeared in anger in a thick black smoke. However, just as they thought that at least they had tried to help but there was nothing they could do to change that family's mind, he came back. He said that he didn't blame the old couple for not being able to forgive him and not allowing his soul to be let free. However, he continued to regret not being able to see his son which he thinks of all the time and right now, he felt so lonely and lost all hope as he didn't think his son would be able to forgive him either.

What changed his mind later was how the ghost whisperer tried to convince him that he should not give up on hope as chances are, his son may be able to forgive him and he would not be left wandering in loneliness anymore. Towards the end of the show, it was so emotional because he didn't expect his very own son to call the police which let to his arrest but he didn't blame him
as to him, it was the best thing his son had done to protect his mother. However, his son was angry with himself because he felt that he was responsible for causing his death upon leaving the prison. I totally lost it when his son who didn't believe that his daddy's soul was in the very room that they were in cried when the whisperer gave him the right answer as to what the tattoo was behind his dad's left ear. I just cried with them because even after what he had done to cause anger and hardship to them, they were able to forgive him as they had never stopped loving him even as a wife or as his son. To them, it mattered that upon his death, he wanted to change for them but unfortunately, met with a cruel twist of fate. Even though it was too late to bring him back, he was very happy nevertheless and he told his son to be a good boy to his mother and he can help him to make things right by helping the old couple to experience happiness once again. He wanted him to pay a visit to them and to be like the son they had lost. However, he must help them without telling that he was the son of the man who killed their son.

As they cried in his loss, the dead man's soul finally completed his mission upon his death through forgiveness and went up to heavens. All this while, the show had also taught me one thing that as much as you think that you have never been loved or appreciated before, and no matter how evil you have been in life, once you learn to let go of the negative emotions, you will know that people do still care about you. It makes me think I don't want it to be too late before finding it out. Like I would think that my mother doesn't love me or how life can be so unfair to me at times, that I am just so emotionally drained just thinking about it, we should not keep any negative feelings inside of us. We're all human beings prone to make mistakes in our life and if we do, it wouldn't mean that it is the end of the world already. True like in the dead man's case, the couple thought that even with forgiveness, it would not bring their son back. But we shouln't lose hope. In their case, they were about to receive the company of a child determined to bring happiness back in their life. For the dead man, he was blessed with a son who did not end up like him but chose to protect his mother from danger even if that danger was in the form of his own father.

I would say don't dwell on the past. Pick up a few life lessons on the way and bring these valuable lessons with you wherever you go. Start life anew if you must because even if the world has not ended yet, it doesn't mean that we will carry on living forever either. Treasure life before it is too late and it may not be fair to us sometimes, but most of the time, it can also enrich us with heapful of rewards that we forget why we were so miserable in the first place. Trust me, I have gone through phases in life where I just felt so completely useless and miserable. But I managed to overcome them once I try to slowly clear my negative thoughts and I see the rainbow behind a cloudy and stormy day. Wishin' you all the best in whatever you have set your heart on.

Saturday, August 26, 2006


That's it Rahayu! I have enough of you! You're going out with me! I're going down with me! But anyway, I am kinda angry with myself for being tryin' to be so freakin' perfect that in the end, nothing is achieved. I mean, sometimes I feel that I am being over conscious that I forget about the one thing that matters most: myself. Right, so that sounds rather 'selfish' but hey, if I want to say something for the benefit of others, why not right? I actually broke my own record for writing not one, not two but 5 freakin' drafts! Just over one stupid programme! Okay, it's not a stupid programme but it's just a way for me to push the blame on something else rather than myself..hee

I wanted to say right from the start that I am in support of the Malay programme highlighting the ways one can do to stay healthy not just for their own sake but for their family's sake. It is a reality based programme tracking the progress of the host who is currently trying to lose weight to show the viewers that it is possible for one to be healthy before our health starts to turn for the worse. He tried to change for the better once he found himself to be putting on more and more weight which he knows may not be good for him in the long run. To land himself in hospital several times due to his swollen foot and almost suffering a 'blackout' on Father's Day, it is time to do something about his expanding waistline. To achieve that, he has engaged some professional help who are experts in the field of diet and exercise to track his progress. He also asked the public what their concerns are when it comes to health and also to educate the viewers over the need to watch what we eat especially when eating our very own Malay dishes that may not exactly be on a good list...if you know what I mean.

Based on my personal experience, the road to a better and healthier you is not easy. If some miracle pill or miracle diet has helped you this far and you are satisfied that the hundreds of dollars you invested in, gave you results, how long can you keep up with the need for such things? What if you stop consuming them and then what, you're going to fall into relapse? One rule of thumb though....the faster your weight loss is from some slimming pills for example, chances are your weight gain can be faster too if you stop consuming them and start to eat as per normal before you lost the weight. But anyway, each individual is different and so we're all entitled to different opinions. Whatever it is, please do some research first and make the relevant enquiries and not just make your decision over what the celebrity who endorses the product says. They're celebrities and you're not. For all you know, they exercise twice as much while eating lesser than an average nobody. You think those pills are responsible? Maybe just a mere 20% or eve less which is what they usually require.

Whatever it is, health is wealth and to kick that off, it is not going to be tomorrow or the next day or the next day and should start today. We are all guilty of eating some sinful food which does not necessarily include fast food and chocolates. Cant deny that Singapore is an eating haven. Usually, when Singaporeans go overseas, besides missing their families, most likely they would quote certain foods as well which they are not able to get back in that foreign country.

To me, it is also an interesting programme because the creator has addressed the overweight issue among our Malay people. The thing getting rather widespread across the Malay community and it saddens me because already my community is being looked down by the others by getting involved in drug offences and other serious crime offences often. Even though this overweight issue is not that big a problem compared to the above offences, it is still apparent and we know that it is already hard to earn a living here being in a minority group. It doesn't help that even our size can be an issue when it comes to looking for sources of income.

I know that people who are trying to be on the health track can be a tad bit annoying at times especially when they can be so downright choosy when it comes to food. And then another thing is, they would prefer doing daily things that can help burn off fat in between like for example walking instead of taking public transport and then dragging their poor friends or colleagues along when they have the least bit interest to walk. For me, I try not to make it an issue. If I am alone, I usually don't eat the food others may usually indulge in or I used to indulge in. I'd much rather go hungry than eat a plate of rice with dishes which are either deep fried or swimming in oily gravy. Most likely, if I am by myself, I would just buy some small snacks like soya bean cake for example with fruits or oatmeal biscuits and then basically, that's my lunch. On a daily bais except on weekends, usually I work in a team and it wouldn't be fair to them if I bring out the fussy eater in me. I still have respect for them and even if I dont agree with their choice of dishes, I don't have the authority to lecture them about it because we're all adults.

Whatever it is, I try to get a healthier dish even if it not 100% healthy as it can be very hard to find dishes that will make you guilt-free about eating them. But it doesn't mean that we can't make good decisions. We just have to make informed decisions about the food we're about to consume such as eating been hoon noodle soup instead of laksa, something like that. Laksa is a treat that if one fine day, you want to reward yourself with it after trying to eat healthy the past few days, then go ahead. The key is to eat in moderation.

I don't want to sound naggy so I just want to say that don't be annoyed easily by people who are trying their best to be in good health. I know life is short that it will be such stinkin' pain if we have to stop eating roti prata for breakfast already or to not eat curry puffs for the rest of their lifetime. Like I said, moderation is always better like you don't have to eat prata as breakfast for almost everyday. Basically, once a week or twice a week if you're a big fan of them? That way, you will still be less guilty such as knowing that after eating that prata, the rest of the day we must try to control our needs for heavy snacks or try to eat a light lunch instead to avoid adding more calories to the calorie loaded prata already. In other words too, you don't feel like you're losing out in the good things life has to offer such as a nice crispy egg prata..kekeke....

So that's just one of the tricks i develop on my own because like I said, the road to a healthier me is not easy and once in awhile, there will always be one fine particular day where I am on this 'need to binge'. I guess it's the way my old mentality is trying to tell me like 'hello? do you remember me or not? I thought you love eating that chicken wrap?! So go on...have a bite...have a bite...' Eh..something like that lah..hehe...

I sincerely do want my race people to look healthier like before when we have not been given the dubious honour of having the highest percentage in obesity despite being a minority race. It hurts me when I see malay aunties wobbling when they walk as their right or left foot get swollen which make it painful to walk properly. And to carry their rather heavy weight, it is no mean feat and the best that they can do is to have plenty of rest by sitting down to alleviate the pain. Meanwhile, the men are prone to have those round pot bellies along with their overall 'roundness' and it is of great concern that this can induce health diseases such as heart attack. I am deeply saddened by the passing of two known celebrities in our community. Even though they were of different countries, one thing stands out: when a heart attack occurs, it doesn't choose its victims based on the colour of their skins or how rich or poor they are. So before our heart collapse from over exertion or frequent consumption of unhealthy foods, we must start aiming for a better health now.

I am not trying to force my malay community to be healthier but jz a pointer to take note of this programme on Suria channel every wednesday at 9am. Even if some of the things are what we've heard of before and we may roll our eyes thinking..'duh?! of course it's not healthy lah!' and then the next thing we know, we'll eat more than two pieces of curry puffs and then feel all guilty about it. is short man! Quit being guilty over things that you are not able to control like our cravings over a certain dish or snack. But treat it as a once in a while er..treat...I have not reached the age of thirties or forties yet where I see myself wearing a long malay dress like the current crops of malay aunties. I am quite sad that it has somehow become like a trend for the malay aunties or mak ciks to be on a heavier side and you know the areas where women usually put on weight. That is usually the bottom and the stomach in which the fats will be stored if not burned and believe me, it is not sightly to have them both protruding way out as they make it harder for clothes to fit us well according to our figure. In the first place, our figure is gone coz of the bulges and we end up wearing loose fitting clothes to cover these bulges up.

For so many years I dare say, I have always been under the 'greatest cover up'. I couldn't wear clothes like the common kid of my age and in my teens, I was far worse coz when others were at their trendiest best, I had to cope with my increasing weight gain over the years which was gaining speed once I left secondary school. It did nothing to my self confidence and to be 'different' size wise from the rest of my peers put me in a very bad light even though seldom do people give me the stares or rude remarks about me but I felt it. I felt like I was being made fun of but in less obvious ways to make it unknown to me but then, these were just feelings inside of me that I thought people were saying. I know how nowadays those kids who are on the heavier side feel and even if they are not showing signs of distress like how I used to show, you sometimes do not know how 'ugly' or how 'fat' we feel inside compared to other friends. And there is also the need to gain people's respect for us to see us beyond our size and we have to work extra hard at it by being outwardly friendly for instance or cheery so that people can accept us for who we are. It is not easy and at the end of the day, it can be rather draining on us mentally.

Whatever it is, don't be too overwhelmed by what I have just posted this time because I am not accusing anyone of putting themselves in danger by their way of life. My only hope is to see more people of my race to start taking good care of themselves but needless to say, I am also happy that more and more malay families as well as individuals like the aunties I have described to take time to do physical activities with friends. Being a housewife doesn't mean that they should stop taking good care of themselves and only putting their family needs before them. Grab fellow neighbouring housewives together to teach one another ways to cook healthier dishes and also to organise walking trips for instance around their neighbouring blocks so that they are in a better shape instead of just confining themselves to doing housework and cooking. So ladies...grab your sports shoes and start walking! hehe...Oh, for the men, it's high time to cut down on that smoking habit of theirs if they have and also to stay away from drinking too much sweet drinks that can cause diabetes and I doubt they want to start losing their limbs like their legs for instance.

So I urge my malay community to start working together to bring down the percentages and oh, if you're in the food business, PLEASE...not just for my sake but for others too, cut down on the oil and coconut rich gravy...hehe....I still like Malay food but'd be nice if for once, I would see more vegetable dishes rather than the usual fried tauges or beansprouts and green veggies like chye sims that are gleaming with oil. One tablespoon of oil is enough..really..and it will taste better with its extra crisp taste as the vegetables are not too soaked in oil. Oh, and cut down on salt and totally banish articifial flavourings like the famous MSG or monosodium glutamate. We can do without it and dont worry about the lack of taste..I am sure there are other things that can make the dishes scrumptious without the use of MSG, seriously! So good luck in all your efforts to be on a healthier track and watever you do, DON'T GIVE UP if you failed once. Pick yourself up and start all over again in your quest...*grinning coz I FINALLY finish this post about obesity among the malay population*

Monday, August 21, 2006

Black Clouds


I haven't been writing for awhile eh? Well, that's me..brain dead as ever. Anyway, things haven't been looking up and everything is so 'stagnified' if there is such a word for it..heh. But you know what? I am gonna live up to my motto, thanks to Jason Mraz, and that is 'Life is Wonderful'. Okay, so if let's say your pet cat died on the same day, you found out that your boyfriend is a jerk, what is so 'wonderful' about it? But think of it this way. Everything is so interconnected. It takes another girl to show your what a jerk your boyfriend is and it takes the death of your pet cat to make you realize how long you have been abandoning it to spend time with your boyfriend. Okay, more on 'touch base' stuffs: who am I kidding? If we all have smiles 'plastered' on our face all the time even when the raging fire threatens to burn our house down in smithereens, we’ll be checked into the nearest mental hospital for 'wat the hell are they smiling for?' syndrome. Like knowing that you have been trying your best to help people like your colleagues and your family even, and the next thing you know, sometimes kindness doesn't beget kindness. Your morality is being questioned here. For me, I don't even know why I bothered. I could just wave my pretty white undies and let people do what they want to do and just leave me alone. I want to be mean to others but past experiences always tell me that being mean will not get you anywhere. How SO not true. When you're mean, it is not because you want to be mean, but you have to..for the sake of survival and standing up for your personal rights.

For a long time, I have been trying to protect my family's savings which we took such great pains to get because of my father's deteriorating health. Also, he is in no position to work anymore because he is so fragile and weak. I am trying to keep this family going even though I refuse to be called as the sole breadwinner because that will give me the extra pressures. But does my family know about this big heavy responsibility I am holding? I am not trying to protect the savings for my own self. Sure, I do use it if I am running low on cash and I still have last minute payments to make such as my handphone bills. I don’t even have a salary that allows me to rent a room and then let me live in peace. No wait…maybe I do but is it in me to abandon my family and let them struggle through bill payments while I only have to worry whether I pay my internet bills on time? Sure, I can be a meanie to them for not being nice to me and failing to see why I am so strict over the family’s savings. People say that once bitten, twice shy….well, I am still shy irregardless of being bitten or not, but my point is, doesn't it always take 'something' to happen before you realize that you should have done what you have to do instead of suffering the consequence of it right now? I am devastated that my mum places immense pressure on me yesterday till I was screaming at the top of my lungs after being questioned repeatedly about how much savings are left. If she needs it, why can't she just be upfront about it without wanting to know every nitty gritty details about it? It is not as if I pay things with stones and leaving the savings untouched. Maybe to her, money is like an endless stream of river but to me, I am more in touch of reality and knows that it won't last forever. What does she know? She only knows how to throw a tantrum and make me yell at her for not being able to stand her constant questioning as if she doesn't trust me. Sometimes, I am appalled. Appalled why people can fail to see the goodness or the kindness in someone else and that not everyone has invisible horns on their heads and glaringly red skin. For once, can people do a rain check?

Call me sensitive or whatever but I do have my low points and wonder at times, why on earth am I doing here? Maybe I don't deserve being here as my presence is constantly threatened by people who only think about themselves and not see how others are trying to help them in ways that they can. I know about how you shouldn't be too calculative like expecting someone to repay you back your kindness. Even if it means not saying a simple 'thank you', you must still continue performing your goodwill to others, because you’ll never know that one day, if you truly need someone's help, it will definitely come your way.

I am also upset that my own mother doesn't see how big a responsibility I am holding right now. Did I ever kick a big fuss how I have to use much of my pay to keep the water and the electricity running? She is upset that my father is no longer earning and then what? I am so freakin' happy about it I wanna let the whole world know too? But this is life. reality. I feel like sleeping and then waking up to know that this is a bad dream and my mother is not as cranky as my dream made her out to be and that my dad is working as usual. But no, this is true hard facts of life. There are moments when you are so high on life and moments when you just want to walk away and pretend nothing happens and be in one huge self denial about it. Just like a criminal who tries to cover up the tracks, one day, justice will catch up.

But I am not about to wait for some 'consequence' to happen to me. I very well know what that consequence will be and I had gone through it and mind you, it is not very nice. For others, maybe it is like 'the lightning never strikes twice in the same place' but no, I won’t sit around to witness if that is ever true or not. I also refuse to acknowledge that my future may even be bleak or I may never achieve my childhood dream of being a teacher. I know not many of us are as lucky as others and unknown to me, my life right now is considered 'lucky' to other people as well. So, in short, I have to learn to be thankful. Maybe, life is wonderful but we fail to see it because it is hidden somewhere behind the cloud of darkness glooming over us.

I do wish that I am transported back to the times when things didn't get me down as they do now. But will I ever want to anyway? Do I ever want to be back to an age where I was practically treated with no self respect even by the teachers who are considered as role model to the students? Do I ever want to go back to the times when I failed miserably in my exams and to repeat my year in school and letting my parents down in the process? Whatever it is, life goes on and we can't just push the pause button because we are afraid to make another step forward. Who knows that as we try to move on, the dark clouds will slowly fade away and it will be a long time before they make their reappearance again.

Maybe it is people's attitude that needs to be changed and not mine. Just like people like my colleagues who rely on others to help them when they need it but be all selfish about it and shut their mouth even when knowing something is amiss. Then when others had to do their side of job, whether or not they like it, and the least bit of appreciation was not even shown but instead, glaring frustration for disturbing their peace. And then, there you are, standing in the middle of nowhere underneath the hot sun when it should be you in their position under the air con instead. Of course, things like this get me so mad and when they realize what an ass they have been, and try to ask or talk to me like nothing happens, I'll be in complete ignorance. Look, it is not under my control to be in your farkin place right now and continue with whatever crap you have left behind. And yes, I farkinly well know that the place is rather nearby but when you are in a neighbourhood and then the map doesn't give reliable information, it doesn't make a big cahoona kind of difference if the place is near or far because you know what? COZ I FARKIN WELL DON'T LIVE HERE!!!

And then when the storm has died down, such people have the cheek to ask me hours after the incident where they were being such moronic idiots, 'how's the school? How's the co-ordinator? Is she nice?' You know what…why do'’t you ask me ten years down the road where my memory about this day has disappeared beyond the horizon and I don't know what the hell you're talking about. Heck, I don't even know who you are as well!

I am not an angel and I don't expect people to be the same as well. Sure sometimes we think we're doing others a favour by pinpointing every single 'mistake' that they make without realizing that we are of no difference as well. Just like a colleague of mine who is frustrated that she is being nitpicked by this very colleague or ex team member of hers, just like how she nitpicks me as well too. I mean, who cares if I wear the translucent plastic bra straps under my boat neck top that slides down a bit at times and then revealing them. Apparently, she did and even touched it (look, it is inappropriate to touch another person’s undergarment even it is made of plastic, k?) and remarked about it and then sharing her opinion about whether she will look just as nice if she wears them as well. OH fark it. She meant it as a sarcasm but here's a pointer to that person. Go look under your radar instead and work on your freakin' attitude instead of just targeting others and being so bothered about their choice of attire. If she wants so much to be a guardian angel, might as well get the application form and sign up for it.

I am not trying to bypass her goodwill by her remarks that to her, may help people like us to dress better or gawd forbids, like her. But at times, it helps to keep the mouth shut yah? Especially when she has no hard evidence over what some other people have really said but relied on word of mouth. And then to me, I find it even harder to accept that she chose to tell everyone about it without realizing that people like me can get hurt in the process by her false statements. Before I know it, people start giving me the dirty looks like I just did the crime of history. I am too tired to go into details but I just hope, that she will protect her 'gift of gab' before angry people like me stuff a potato down her throat.

Oh darn it, and I wanted to write about something else that is more on a positive side and yet, I have to begin this brand new week on a somber note. Well, it is never too late. Meanwhile, as I lay my head down to sleep, here's something to ponder about. Think of every brand new day as a day to start a brand new life. Be thankful that you are able to see the rays of the sun, and if you're like me when the alarm rings waaayy too early, be thankful that you can wake up and see the darn time. In other words, don't stop appreciating life as much as it can get you down at times, because everything is interconnected: with the black clouds, will come a bright sunny day out to put a smile on your face again. Sighz..and where the heck is MY sun now…

Monday, August 14, 2006

Book Sale

Okay, Sunday didn't go that bad today and I didn't actually have to plan to an extent..I..tend NOT to follow most parts of e schedule coz it would be just plain ol' complicated...hehe..What do you expect from someone lazy like me?

Anyway, today actually is the annual National Library Board Book Sale. Okay, I mean..that has been held for the past few years and I actually never attended a single one of them before till today, that is. I did wanna do 'I dont care about it' thingey about this sale too but I kinda felt like wouldnt hurt to just go there and take a look. At most, I'd just be 'sandwiched' among the crowd and survive getting out. if that helps. Besides, I got tonnes of errands to run especially on a Sunday. The day before, my friend kinda reminded me of the book sale coz she is an avid fan of books unlike plain ol' me who would rather be caught occasionally snooping around the gossip magazine corners in Borders to see who is with who and who broke up with who. Other sections of Borders? Hrm...maybe the stationery corner where my jaws will often drop when I see how a plain notebook can cost so much. I like notebooks...not coz i like to write extensively on paper but I just like notebooks...for their beauty. I do admire the notebooks Borders..but buying it? narh..unless someone would like to give me one as a is like coming oh-so-soon? Hee...

How about novels? Narh..I can't even remember the last time I ever read a proper novel and not even Clive Cussler. Well, he is my favourite author of all times but his recent books are quite a snooze fest as maybe he has retired and too busy looking after his antique cars so have no time to think of adrenaline rushing action sequences involving the few lead characters. His early books were good..but...I kinda read all of 'em already back then in Secondary School. Maybe, one day I'll just get the right time and opportunity to finally plonk myself down with one of his novels. Oh, wait..I did read two novels in this year...the CSI:Miami novelisation books! Wooh! The first one was alright..which I couldnt remember the title..but the second one, was rather boring. I mean...the only time that was quite interesting was when Horatio was having these mind games with the suicidal leader of a quacky cult who was high with drugs. He saw Horatio as a devil who is trying to stop him and his people from reaching nirvana. Like I said, they are quacker heads.

Anyway, about the book sales, I decided to just go when my brother surfed the net for more information. When I took a look at the site unwillingly (that's the lazy bone's doing), I was shocked when the prices were so generic..$2 for english books, $1 for Malay/Tamil/Chinese books and $5 per pack of magazines. And I thought when my friend said that the books can go as low as $2 inclusive of computer books, I was thinking that heh..maybe just a tiny proportion of them and the rest may be in the range of $5 and above. But $2 for every freakin' English book?!! What the hell...just go lah! My friend couldn't make it so I was thinking to myself like how I was going to survive through the crowds of people who would probably be rather pushy. But, I told myself that if I can survive the popular Mango sales..twice....with girls squeezing in from every corner at every clothing bin and every clothing rack, I....Rahayu Sedik...can survive this as well. So off I went not bothering to change to new clothes but simply touched up a bit (in case bookworm cuties are around), and finding a bag to fit in a few books ( and yet be stylish at the same time). Hrm, the bus came quickly as if helping me to be there asap but it was the standing throughout the whole journey that was rather uncomfortable.

Halfway, I just remained standing coz I couldn't be bothered to sit anymore..hrmph...still, I didn't know that throughout my time till I reach back home, I would be constantly on my is a miracle I can still type this out! It wasn't difficult to find the place as I conveniently had a bus that would stop right opposite the expo hall. So I thought wasn't that bad as it was quite a breeze entering and walking a bit to the magazine sections but alas, as I looked towards the 'horizon'..damn the place was big...I saw..THE CROWD. And how convenient, they were hovering around the book bins in the English I am here...shouldn't be undermined by them...I didnt stand in the bus for nothing..I shall move on and do what I was supposed to do: to search for relevant computer books.

As I was pouring through a messy state of books, I was thinking....that I should have systematic way of looking around the book sale. At first, it seemed rather overwhelming but I must not give up; I decided to adopt my method of looking for clothes during the sales period where there were just so many to look through. And that search every freakin' that I would not miss out on anything which can be a big loss if I didnt look hard enough for some 'treasures'. It went quite well initially except that I didn't think I wanted to end up getting books that I will have no use later but seemed interesting. So, I narrowed my focus and then decided I shall look for web design related books that provide useful reads without the complicated jargons, have lots of colourful picture examples, are rather up to date and that I will not just leave around in my room waiting to be thrown away one fine day.

Okay, so that went well too...until, as I looked ahead to see how much I had to cover, I was dumbstrucked for awhile, coz there was not one...not two..but four rows of book bins covering the english non fiction books! Haiz....had to work fast then. I didn't know long it took me to go through ALL the book bins but some I just had to skim through if there were not much books. The travel books were also placed together with the computer books so I had to really dig through most times. Halfway through, I got some books which were very useful, to me at least, and one of them I did borrow before and I knew that it would be interesting....but if only I had the time to read during the time I borrowed it. But now, I get to keep them for good..hehe...and best of all, I saw the first and the second part in different bins coincidentally! WOot!

So I had to carry those thick books around as I kept looking through hundreds of books and working out a sweat unknowingly. First, my legs had to endure the standing...and arms had to shift through the books as well as carry some of them. GOod exercise man..Anyway, I was disappointed that I didn't see any photoshop books and the one book I saw of a web programming which I just happened to go through again the night before, was in someone else's basket and I was so freakin' tempted to snatch it when the mother was not looking. Still, finders keepers so I moved on with my fourth row scavenging but this time, I thought that hey..if people can find the books that I wanted, I can still find similar books as well! Anyway, nope.....still the same tough luck. After I grabbed some malay story books for my brother and then looking through uncategorised shelves of books for some more luck, and then thinking I refused to give up any of the 5 books I had taken, I tried to find the queue to go to the cashier.

But as I was lining up, there was a sudden change in the queue structure. I got stuck in this line of people and there was practically no one at the packing section and the cashier section. EH? What's going on? Then few minutes later, I saw this couple of an Caucasian guy and his Chinese fren or girlfriend..I dunno...escaping the queue by going through another way and they actually let them go! So they had their books packed and sealed in a bag, on to the cashier and out of the exit with no hiccups! And here I am..with the rest of the people in the line..thinking what losers were we when people like them got off scott free with no fuss! Haiz............... But, guess what? Turned out..they were the losers after all! heh heh....coz, the slight delay was actually caused by an impending special promotion of which they were waiting to clear off the last customer before announcing that from now onwards, we could grab 2 books for the price of 1..and 2 packet of magazines for the price of wht the fark! I was thinking...dammit, I can't get out of this queue! I love bargains!!!! But after two seconds of being dumb, it occured to me..hey, that would involve my books too since I was in the line after all...with the books unpacked and unpaid for I WAS entitled to such a freakin' good bargain! book already costs $2..and top that with an additional book for free for every book bought!

Man, I was so thankful I took the trouble to go through every book bin which was time consuming! Still, as I waited for them to pack my books, they said that I was short of one book for English and Malay books respectively. THen, I was thinking..dammit I have to restart the queue again. But heck, didn't I want to make full use of my time here as well as the promotion? So out I went again...embarassingly as I was the only one who went out of the line instead of heading straight to the cashier to get two more books. However, I thought that I had just as much as luck as the '2 books for the price of 1'...I saw...finally..photoshop books! Hey, didn't I just go through every single freakin' book bins? Where the hell they came from? So anyway, whoever left them there, I thank U so much I wanna kiss you! Provided you're that hot I.T. geeK! Man, I just didnt feel like letting them go, let alone go through the contents to check if it is useful to me. Then right after one, I saw yet another one..and another one! Gosh..can I jz buy all? But hey, a book sale is still a sale nevertheless and this means that whatever we don't need, even if the price is super's still a purchase. What do I need? A bookshelf full of unread books..or a bookshelf with books well used till beyond recognition? And what's the point of buying a computer book of which even ten years down the road, I know I wouldn't read it.

So logic took over me and I tried to look through the contents to see if there are any new things that I can pick up and if they really are useful...despite its thickness. Okay, so photoshop book is one thing..a GOOD photoshop book is another. I didnt mind if it was a previous version of photoshop..even behind the version of the photoshop software I have been using prior to buying the latest CS2. So one tip: the thickness of a book is not a good gauge of its contents. It can write a whole lotta rubbish with only one or two useful chapters but u're duped into buying it coz you think a thick book would probably cover as many things out there as possible. Hrm, so after what seemed like an eternity deciding hard which one...I finally relented to one of them after careful selection and comparison. However, one of them didn't need that much of thought as it is a book on the 7.0 which Im using so makes sense to grab them!

Then, just as I was about to queue up..again....I saw stacks of books carelessly strewn on the floor left behind by people who decided not to purchase them. HRmph..Singaporeans will always be Singaporeans at whatever sales. But whoever it was, I saw another useful book for myself which placed me in one of my numerous decision tugging.....moments where I had to decide which one to grab. Like goodness..not another one! But determined to get out asap before my mother decided to call me every 10 minutes of my whereabouts...I made a rather quick one and painfully...YES..painfully replaced one of the books I had taken with that one.

Hrm, surprisingly, I didn't had to wait that mega long for my turn to have the books packed and paid for. I would say Im pleased that the temporary staff as well as the permanent staff did a very good job maintaining the crowd and running a very systematic way.

Anyway, below are my prized possesions! woohoo! Im a proud Geek in the Pink! kekekekeke....Oh, if you're wondering what is that picture all about after that first shot, I dunno..I just thought the message read in a funny a bit the 'censored' as well...hehehe..'stroke'..hehe..'there is nothing to stroke'...tee hee hee...And you say that that photoshop is

Overall, it was a definitely tiring experience but worth every effort. Hand pain from grabbing, hugging and rummaging through the books? Nevermind...a sale this much worth it, beats other sales(Except the unbeatable Mango label..hee) hands down..hehe..geddit geddit?..hehe..*lame rahayu..lame*

Saturday, August 12, 2006


oSick...little Miss Rahayu is officially down with flu, a bit of cough and slight fever though the last one was only getting to me till I bathe. Somehow, bathing always make me feel refreshed and for awhile I dont feel as 'sickly' as I did less than half an hour ago. That's how I always manage to get to work and have not resorted to taking a single medical certificate yet coz by then, I would think that Im a tad bit better for work. Even on days when Im not working, I would be like a dying beached whale on my mattress but I would try to pull myself together and get my butt down to the bathroom. I didn't want to feel all 'sickly' and it was a habit which I kinda developed when I moved to this house and in the beginning, I was often sick. I didn't know if it had anything to do with the 'supernatural' or I was just trying to adapt to an entirely new environment. I had never been so sick before almost every week and it was a really bad sick...sick. Then, I realised that I didn't want to be in such a pathetic state anymore and decided to make it a point to bathe. Usually I didn't before this coz u know how when you are sick, your senses are heightened that you will feel extra cold or extra hot...something like that. Oh, and certainly the cold or hot temperature of the water may be a bit of an overdrive and if not careful, can make you swear off bathing even when you're well enough.

Initially, it didn't work as I was back to the damn ol' pathetic state the minute I put on the clothes. However with practice, I actually got over it and soon, bathing served as a temporary solution. Temporary coz mid day onwards, I will slowly start recoiling back to the early symptoms of my illness like my nose will start to be blocked, my throat starts to get itchier and my butt tighter....from all the sneezing. My current flu doesn't come with a big bang but with just a slight sore throat which was barely an issue with myself as I hate sore throats. I have tonsilities...if that's how u spell it..where I have these two giant fleshy balls blocking the sides of the opening of my throat. If you have tonsilities, you will fall ill rather frequently which will eventually lead to surgery to remove them if you get sick often. That happened to me back in primary school but after a minor threat from the doc, that I might need to go for an ops, somehow that day was the last day I had the worst throat infection of my life. From then on, my tonsils do swell up occasionally and get all reddish of which my throat will feel like a small frog is blocking the passageway. However, I did manage to put up with it and feed the I meant..just basically try to get my way around it like for example, drinking water in a manner that doesnt make the 'roughness' of my throat worse..

Kinda like how it applies in real life also. If you can beat 'em, well..just try to make life a bit easier around them. Never knew my swollen tonsils can actually give meaning to life. Oh, me a 'mumbled' voice coz I can't project my voice out clearly due to the blocked opening of my throat. That does get on people's nerves as they try to make out what I am trying to say and then I get a tad bit irritated as often, they will 'switch off' when they can't understand me. Still, I love my 'meatballs' affectionate name given to them as they have been with me through thick and thin although they are often the main cause as to why I get sick such as the current flu that I am havin.

Anyway, I don't know if me falling ill has something to do with my absence at the gym and putting little thoughts to what I eat ever since hitting the 2okg weight loss mark. I was rather disappointed coz as much as that is an achievement, I have not reached the weight I have originally targetted...yet. Infact, I was gaining bit by bit and before I knew it, it was a full 1 kg and that may not seem such a big deal but if for someone who is determined to keep it down, it is a piece of info that is rather hard to swallow. But still, I persevered...try to watch my food intake carefully because I try to keep the balance of 'energy in=energy out"..hee..learnt that from McDonald's. Due to my tight schedule last week and one day of complacency where I forgot to bring my gym attire for that one freakin day back to office for the entire week. And I try to walk as much as I can and I owe it to meeting with friends..hee..and the ability to juggle between home and personal affairs involving mad rushes from home to cold storage..home to food centre...library to mrt..u get the drift. Trying to cut down on snacks help too and I try to beat the crave for old chang kee stuffs and that chilli tapioca chips.

Unfortunately, due to one mistake of eating fish and chips with the chilli sauce...I must add..a very oily fish and chips...when I was out with my colleagues for lunch...and that turned into a very upset stomach. Oil and vinegar...shouldn't be mixed when your stomach is being trained to keep away from unhealthy food choices. So the stomach pain is gone and is replaced by flu and a bit of cough as the side effects. However, as mighty proud as I am, I did one round of gym two days ago...aaahh......the sweat...the mirror...the treadmill....the cross trainer....the obvious lack of cute guys....but an old foggie....I was back in momentum. Even though I could squeeze in only one day of gym session the entire week due to my last minute cancellation few days back coz I can't be exercising with my back hunched low due to the tummy ache and nauseousness. However, I was crazy enough to still go...but managed to pull back and tried my mighty best to walk all the way to the mrt, to be standing in the mrt, taking the feeder bus back home and eventually laying down the mattress to an evening of slumber. In between, I was fighting hard not to faint and you see, this is called being 'normal'.

Okay, what is so normal about me wanting to faint? No, not fainting....the ability to assess when is too much is just plain old too much. You see, some people cant tell if they are overdoing on something. Coz I did read an article previously and also in the latest CLEO magazine edition about a disorder where you tend to overdo something until it becomes an unhealthy obssession. Even exercising way too frequently is considered a psychological disorder. It simply means that your mind is so clouded by an extreme pressure to 'keep up' with the society standards, for example, to be slim and gorgeous, it can alter someone's mindset. Say...exercising is one way to keep the weight down low and the figure trimmed especially for a girl and therefore, it is taken to the extreme when their brain is trained to accept exercising as the only way to conform to the society's ideal figure.

Right..that sounds so complicated. Anyway, to simplify things.....Daisy had always been plump but not overly plump but no matter what, she is always being asked to lose the extra pounds so she can look prettier and slimmer just like her sister who gets phone numbers of the male species by the truckload. So she turns to exercising and dieting but the frequency of 3 times per week of exercising does not seem to make much changes as she continued to be taunted in school. So she increased the frequency to everyday and in each day, she will do two sessions in the gym and at night, she will stay up a few hours to do some crunches and push ups. Then she will skip dinner and spend that time to run round the block before going to a night gym to carry on with her gym session. Her diet? She tries to cut down a lot as she aims to achieve the proportions of the models in the magazines and even experimenting with anorexia and bullemia to further reduce her food intake.

Sad right? Sometimes, when I think about how I am still not happy that I have not reached the coveted hour glass figure..with a few more inches off my waist to give it more definition...oh..and how my thighs are still big in proportions compared to the rest of the girl's rather sad too. I forgot how I used to be nonchalant about what people have to say about me...and how it would hit me initially on how big my shoulders were compared to my peers. But then I would get over it quickly as I kept postponing my plan to lose the fab while I engaged in eating and eating up to a few times each day with chocolate pieces in between and fried snacks too. However, a sudden realisation..and a stupid dream where the weighing machine broke down right after I stepped on it and it hologrammed my weight to the entire cohort of people. Though, there were no reactions from the people as well as the nurse who took my weight, it did symbolise one thing: people keeping quiet about my obvious weight gain over the years knowing how sensitive I can be over matters.

It was only after countless of praises from people when they see me now that it set me thinking another thing: was I THAT big? Was I THAT unpretty? In between the praises, where they thought that it was okay to say how darn big or fat I was last time and even gesturing with their hands, actually I was still hurt. No matter then and now is still the same including feeling-wise. I know they meant no harm but why now? Why can't they tell me the darn freakin' truth the last time instead of keeping mum about it and now it's flooding my brain about how shallow people used to think me as. Maybe I am just thinking too much but if people at that realised that I was having a problem, why didn't they just speak up and they can help me at it. Anyway, at least two of them...very go with them and see the doctor together regarding our weight problem. And one of them, who is still working with me, we motivate each other in our mission to be healthier. We are not doing for the boys...we are not doing it to be accepted by the society.....we are doing it for ourselves. So, I would say that if you have the right mindset about something, like for example, not overdoing yourself especially when exercising such as stopping when out of breath, it also helps to keep us mentally healthy also because an unhealthy obssession is not the way to go. It is something like being depressed over a comment made, and to beat that, one may eat more and more and more to prove to whoever she is trying to prove, that she is not afraid. By eating more and more, is that going to help in any way? She is just doing more harm to herself.

So for all the girls who are like me and who have been ridiculed by the so-called 'normal' people...for being fat or plump, stay strong girls. It is not easy to go through life when people are making fun of us and then denying us of opportunities because of our size. They are shallow people who only think one way that they think big people don't deserve the opportunities which rightfully belong to everyone but they only reserve it for the slim people. They think that the taunting do not hurt us like as if we deserve them as we're big. Dont let ridiculous comments get you down. And what is this notion that big people are dumb or stupid that they have to holler at us a few times while exclaiming 'no size! no size!' as they looked at us with those piercing eyes of theirs as if we don't understand what they are saying.

Even recently, when there was only one size of a skirt that looked like only a petite girl can fit in, I was rummaging through for some luck of finding the right size. Then the salesperson..a young auntie-like woman..but nevertheless still a farking bitch.....retorted loudly to me saying 'no size! no size!' when I was gazing down and then I saw her from the side bending down to catch my eyes and waving to me saying 'hello?? I say no size!' What the fark man...Im not farking deaf! I heard you the first time u farking bitch...Gawd..of coz things like this make me so darn upset coz of the insensitivity of these people. I think the human resource departments of Seiyu and Metro are on a budget roll lah..maybe hiring such pigs like these help them to save money by giving lesser salaries and in return, they ridicule people like us as if to vent their frustrations. Gawd damn bitches...

Maybe such incidents are not too frequent for me as I don't always look around in fashion departments. When I observed how rude some salespeople can be when they gave those gazes to big girls like me who were merely browsing through, it's as if they're thinking out loud these girls are wasting their time, it hurts me. Don't treat us like we are some kind of aliens...we still have our human rights. There is absolutely nothing wrong in wanting to look through your clothing racks whether or not they fit us. If you are so scared that we'll break the seams or tear some holes, then you're better off selling drinks or something where chances of us doing that are almost zero.

K, so whatever with them. Anyway, yesterday, I had this huge bad hair day thing going on as I didn't have time to thoroughly clean my hair after the gym session the other day even though I did wash my hair. Somehow, it felt icky to the touch and it didn't help that the weather was so darn hot and the school I went to for a field visit...their environment was rather humid too coz the fan wasn't working as well. So I had no choice but to tie up my hair which is a habit which I dislike especially when I am outside coz it will make my face 'rounder'. However, this so-called habit continued even when I went out with my friend of which prior to that, in the train, I just had to tie my hair up again as it just didn't feel right. I didn't want to tie it up also coz it can be a habit which I will get so used to it that in order to get rid of that habit, I have to cut my precious!!!! Not at tis time..Im jz not ready yet.

But u know what? Tying up my hair in a pony tail also reminded me of the time when I used to have long hair when I was in upper primary school where it used to be a 'swish' of hair left to right. However, entering into secondary school, it became a chore as I had to plait my hair since it was too long to just leave it at a 'swish' by just tying up like a ponytail. How long was my hair? Haiz..right up to the waist. Ever since then I had maintained either a short crop or a shoulder lengthed hair like I am sporting right now.

Say...wanna see something? I happened to have a picture of me taken in Secondary two during a sentosa trip but this one was taken at the then World Trade Centre which is Harbourfront now. It was more than ten years ago...can you believe how time flies? And did you ever wonder when you were younger, how you would look like ten years from now? When I was in my early teens, I used to wonder too. I used to dream how slim I would pretty I would be...but sadly, not an inch of it came true..bwahahahaha!!! Anyway, whether you're fat or thin, surely there are one or many body parts that we have come to love or facial features...and for me, I like my shoulders. I used to admire my shoulders last time a whole damn lot but of coz, they jz had to be so big going down my teen years and till my early adult years too. However, I am beginning to like my shoulders all over again...tee hee...after months of gruelling sessions on the cross trainer..haiz...the things I do.

See me then and now! Any difference? Oh, one more thing...I already have the butt when fourteen years old..hehe...see that thing sticking out in the pic? haha..

1995 and 2006.....a decade of comparison (ps. the little smudge on my pink blouse? oh that's my flu...*whistling...*....)

Wednesday, August 09, 2006


Happy national day!!...

Eve of national day, and I fell ill. I would have continued lying in my bed...getting up every now and then to go to the loo and continue to slip in and out of unconsciousness just like yesterday, but I chose to do otherwise. I mean..going to the loo is still an essential...but I don't want to remain 'sick'. I don't know exactly what I was having..or IS having..coz every now and then my stomach will feel like it is being wringed dry like a wet towel or someone is doing an emergency pumping of my stomach. *ow ow ow...* Okay, so Im not completely well yet but for me, I dont like to be overtaken by my illness coz I hate being sick. I know that everybody will be saying the same thing unless of course, their flu or fever can grant them an mc from a dreaded event at work, for example. Hrm, Im quite tempted by that idea go to a doctor pronto and escape a day in the office tmw..muahahaha!!!

Oh well...rahayu is just rahayu. Im just too 'nice'....okay, you can call me a pushover or someone who doesn't say that much or who never seem to get angry. People always assume me to be the opposite of who I am....based on the several opportunities they have chatting with me..but not one of those deep conversations. But I don't really care. Nobody has the right first impressions. However, overtime, they will realise that they find comfort chatting with me..pouring their hearts and soul to me over some matters that they have kept pretty much to themselves. For me, I've been brought up in a family who doesn't exactly see to my daily needs like making sure I have enough food on the table or enough pocket money. My mother's treatment over my brother is far different from the days of my childhood. If you ask me how my childhood was like, I couldn't remember that much except on how I was often scolded or beaten up by my mum over matters not necessarily of my fault. When I see how my mum merely scolds my brother for a few minutes and never moving her hands and then seeing how quickly she changes her bad temper to a loving mum, I would be rather envious but not to a big extent. I am a young woman now. You can say that my beliefs and my personal thoughts have been shaped largely from what I have learnt on my own either through my eyes or through my logical thinking.

One of the life lessons I have learnt from my early days of teenhood is to always hear from two sides of the parties and not be 'hinged' on just one of them. The thing is, no one likes to amplify their negativity or their faults. It will be easier to focus on the other person's faults and then gain sympathy points. Of course, human nature will always make you to believe initially on how selfish the other person and then to me, I'll find myself going 'how can she do this to you?' or 'I don't think she is being fair to you' even though I was not there to witness the whole event taking place or the words exchanged between the two of them.

But then, over time, somehow rather I will get to hear the other side of the story as if I am some sort of a middle person who is bound to be at the receiving ends for them..haha..Then, yesterday, I actually heard so much from my supervisor about how she felt she has not been treated fairly by the subordinates (basically, my colleagues) just because she didn't give the answers that they wanted to hear. Of course by then, I would have heard so much from my other colleagues who wouldn't stop at nothing to bash her with nasty words when she, as a supervisor, tried to point out their mistakes. At first, I thought she was being rigid (ok, I still think she is) but being in a higher position, there is so much she can do as, compared to us, she is still bounded by people even higher than her. If you ask me frankly, before I heard her pouring out her inner thoughts to me, as much as I thought she should be a bit less rigid, I didn't think that it is nice of my colleagues to jump easily into conclusions and then go into a defensive mode and scold her upside down. It is almost like a reversal of role where the subordinate is of a higher position than the supervisor.

Seriously speaking, my colleagues now....they're so different from when I first knew them. rather appalled of their quick reactions to, say, a message on the handphone. And the thing is, they get angry if someone chose to find an alternative way of speaking up to them instead of facing up to them but they themselves couldn't bring themselves to go up to them and say it as it is. I would encourage them to just talk to them in private and settle the matter but they would say that they were just too angry after what she said.

What the hell man. What the hell is wrong with people nowadays. You know, deep in my heart, I just feel like banging their heads together and telling them to wake up. Just wake up and smell reality. Stop acting like a child. Start acting their age and whatever. Even my parents, who are at loggerheads with each other at times, will tell me things about each other and of course, they don't realise, as an individual, they're not exactly perfect either. Did I choose to also amplify their bad characteristics to them? No. I am not in a position to do so either. Did I point out to my colleagues on how they should stop reacting brashly over something simple like a text message that can mean a thousand things but not the actual meaning itself? No either. Maybe I do have the right as a friend or colleague to make them realise their mistakes and hopefully, start treating others with respect. But sometimes, it is not because they don't realise. I am sure they are big enough to make their own decisions. Sure, we're not perfect and along the way, we make mistakes too. Even I make mistakes that I sometimes deny or start pinpointing at the infamous accusation of how damn freakin' late a bus is when I am already running late for work due to own improper management of time. Oh, that's it. We're victims of self denial. Maybe this whole misunderstanding can clear up easily when one chooses to admit his or her fault in their heart and trying to find the middle point somewhere to resolve the problem.

For example, okay maybe my supervisor should have been more tactful in dealing with a tricky situation in which she is in the rightful position to scold but how does she get that across without offending the other party? My colleague? I think she should recall the time when my supervisor did say, in a casual and non offending manner, on how short her report was. Her initial reaction? Asking her to do what she likes coz she's going home already and saying goodbye and giggling before shutting the door on the way out. The next day, maybe thinking her position as a supervisor had been ridiculed, conveyed through text message to that colleague that she gave such a slipshot work as if expecting her to do everything from the start. Then start a series of unhappiness over each other one incident after another almost like they were attacking each other personally where individually, they broke down.

Gosh..grow up people. I seriously will not side anyone but think of it this way. Showing our rebelliousness and then expecting things to go our way and not any other way is not being fair to anyone. We want it and you should conform to it. If you're not willing to accept our own flaws, how do you expect people to start treating you with respect when you're always in denial and not willing to compromise? I would be a loggerhead too...actually...I do want to be absolutely stubborn and if I say I want, it means I want...and I don't care whether you allow it or not. I just would go ahead with it whether you like it or not. You think that is a sign of maturity? I can't say im THAT matured yet either coz the truth is, I am not. I haven't reached a point where people treat me seriously, to hear me out and respect my opinions and their excuse? I am too soft and I give in to people easily..geez...The thing is, are people 'open' enough to hear what others have to say without easily jumping to conclusions, saying things in anger and telling them as they are and then regret later of their actions? Geez..again. And if I speak my mind when 'provoked' to just say it out, like what exactly I am thinking, are they 'open' enough to accept their flaws and more importantly, hear what I have to say and accept them as they are? More often, people don't. I've gone through this so many times that Im pretty 'numbed' by it.

For me, in the end, I find myself conforming to what they have to say or ask me to do coz in a way, I don't want to be seen as a 'bad' friend who can't be there for them in times of needs. I don't feel comfortable going to certain places and even when I did show signs of discomfort or I would say that I don't feel like going there, do they hear me out? Again, not quite. So in the end, I would tag along with me fighting my own personal battle in my head like I shouldn't be here but because of them, here i am. Then there are times, I have to 'fight' with my mum for a chance to go out with a friend or group of friends as I don't want to upset them by keep on turning them down. Then, there also times when I had to go through this mad rush of getting things done for my family before rushing out again to meet my friend of which I am also at risk of being reprimanded by my lateness.

Sometimes, yes I do feel that people's misjudgment of me can bring about my downfall if they choose to believe what they think about me based on a few 'loose' conversations with me. The very people who cannot accept 'no' for an answer or refuse to hear what the other person has to say, are the very people who are not being open enough to accept the facts while they blatantly say that Im 'too sensitive' or I can't stand up for myself. At times, I feel like telling them like hey, you don't even treat me with respect leaving me with an abundance of work with a list of instructions and then also leaving me to answer for a certain mistake while I stood up for them, and they can complain people dont understand their needs. I have one thing to say: what the f**k.

So me..choosing to keep quiet is not because I am dumb or stupid and so I can't answer for myself. It is just that I don't bother. As long as people can't accept the truths as they are, judging from how they perceive others to be or how they try to spread negative remarks about certain individuals, I don't bother about them. Like come on, lay off those people please. I know not everyone is an 'angel' or that they haven't exactly got in their good books, but I am sure for all the negative things you have to say about him or her, surely there are some nice things to say also. How would you feel when not in your presence, so much things that have been said about you and they are not exactly 'nice things' but infront of you, they don't quite show their discomfort about working with you and try to put up with your antics. Would you compare it to almost being backstabbed? And here they are, making a big fuss about a certain someone not telling it to their face but sending a text message to get her point across.

So the world, like I say countless of times too, is not fair and and square to everyone. Sometimes I also think why I have to be 'bigger' than an average girl and seems to take forever before reaching my ideal weight? I remembered being depressed for not losing fast enough at one point of time that even at a weight loss of almost ten kg, which is quite a mean feat for me, I felt like I was losing out in the battle. And you know what? I actually lost more kilograms due to my sheer determination to bring it down even lower but I lost so much nutrients also that my skin and hair was suffering?

I would say that we should stop being so mean to others and ourselves. SOmetimes, some things have a way of finding their way out like maybe, what we say about a certain someone behind their back, can be relayed back to them and in the end, misunderstandings occur. I am not trying to suggest that I am all goody too shoes and all but the thing is, im sick of hearing bad things about other people that I wonder what people have been saying about me when infront of me, they're all toothy grin and nice to me. Oh, and I am also sick of telling myself that I am still not satisfied with my progress whenever I start comparing myself to others who are slimmer than me or have smaller thighs than me. How can I start improving on my well being when I can't even accept the benefits that I have been gaining from months of watching what I eat and exercising practically more than once each week?

So I am not in a good position to give advise to people as I am also trying hard to face up to the truths in my own personal lives. But I believe that once you begin to accept the cold hard facts, whether they are good or bad, it can actually clear up the hurdles in our life journey as we learn to get over them and move on instead. No point holding on to our anger and frustrations if they are only going to bring about our downfall. Okay, from what I see, no one seems to care if at this point of time, I am suffering from a bad stomach ache and fever especially more so yesterday. When they are sick, I ask them if they are better but they don't ask me in return when it's my turn to get sick. It will be like 'oh...' and that's it but still, I am not complaining. Even my mum keeps blaming it on me not eating well when it was just a matter of eating the wrong food and saying let it be coz I am deserve it and might as well die so I dont have to suffer anymore. Is this how a mum should be saying to her sick daughter? Did I kick a big fuss out of it? No. Just say what she wants to's her mouth anyway. If I have continued to give in to my illness, I wouldn't go out taking bus and then mrt to get for my brother food and accompany my dad to eat kaya toast and buying for her a cold dessert and also buying some stuffs from the shop downstairs. And guess what? I am still not fully recovered yet. Even as I am typing this out, I do suffer from bouts of stomach pains every now and then but I can only bear the pain alone. Just like how I bear the sweeping thoughts people have on me without truly knowing me.

Monday, August 07, 2006

My Sundays


Let me tell you about Sundays. First of all, I dont have to work. Second of all, I can pretty much do stuffs for maybe for ten minutes or for jz half an hour if Im lucky, before my mum starts giving me orders. But of course, being me...if I can complete the task or tasks which I have assigned myself to do like for example, organising my shit load of digital life articles, it would be rather taxing once it reached the one hour timeline, it will be like two three or even four weeks (that's a month!!) before I would remember what I last did. hehe..I know I tell myself constantly that this shouldn't be the way to control my life!! I should complete a given assignment from the start and see it finish till the end! what the hell...and life is what you make of it. So how do make my life? By procrastinating every single time! Haiz.....I want to be productive! I want to adopt that 'every second counts!'...and 'time is money!'..uhm...what do you call that? yah, life mottos!

Nevertheless, Im rather proud of myself! hehee...and this I said after a paragraph of yakking on not making my time productive. I was trying to make space in the drawer so I have a bit more space to put in clothes and that space was taken up by old magazines which I had bought last year coz I just cant resist buying magazines. I dont know if this is a 'known' thing but I do like reading magazines! Especially those which provide great reads without the bulk of advertising pages. Oh, and also when they're affordable with the spare cash I have after spending on, say, groceries. 3 dollars? 'HRm..what do I do with it? don't mind reading this..ooh..and that..and that..' and soon, that very magazine will be in my hands and I am done reading them up in less than an hour...sheesh. The next hour, I will be super bored..

But u know what I notice? Even in the midst of reading the magazine, I will start getting bored coz erm...the article or articles which I bought the magazine for, were rather disappointing. You can almost hear me shout..'liar!'...but hey, over time, I realised that magazine content just got better and better and finally they do more research and not just pluck from anywhere and then promote them on the cover to dumb asses like me. Oh..oh! And also, sometimes as I 'skim' through the articles, the overwhelming explosion of colours, beauty products which I don't have that much interests in, or adverts, I kinda missed some key articles. During moments when I felt like picking up a magazine to read and fill my time up, I would browse through and realised that I didn't read certain stuffs. Oh, and those that I have read, they are worth a second read...which is good, definitely. And I also subscribe to CLEO magazine of which I have been a fan of them for a few years ever since I gave up reading the local magazines called Teens and Teenage. But anyway, I shifted to Seventeen magazine..keke...yet another magazine targetted at teenagers. And only because they do have nice stuffs in them which are rather inspiring in terms of grooming my creativity. Still, I like CLEO better.

By the way, wanna what happens to the old magazines from the past years? Okay, besides ending up in the rubbish bins eventually (i imagine green enthusiasts slamming later for my lack of awareness on recycling), I actually dissect them..hehe..with a pair of scissors. Come on, I don't pay 3.50 or subscribe for nothing! I must make my money worth every dollar and cent! Okay a good tip here: you can actually cut down on unnecessary spending on expensive scrapbook art materials or embellishments by cutting instead interesting pictures from these magazines. I'll show what I do later. Oh, coupled with stickers which I got at loyang point for almost half the price of those established shops in shopping centres, voila! I have a snazzy piece of artwork called a scrapbook! Well, if you are rather tight on budget or simply want to save money, the best bet is to simply make do of stuffs that you already have. I actually thought of acquiring those specialised stickers or embellishments from scrapbook shops but they're mighty expensive and I am not about to start an expensive hobby! SO what if my scrapbook isn't as nice as them...with a touch of plain creativeness and memorable is personalised and 'so you'...and end of the time spent on scrapbooking, you will proud of urself.

Anyway, I am not about to give up my virtual interest as well. So, right of my friends is into photography..especially black and white and digital photography. I mean..that's good...someone to compare notes with..haha..although, at times she has to stop me or i'll be this plain girl with an 'always blur' looks suddenly talking in geek terms..yikes! Im supposed to keep the knowledge up there...not out of my mouth! Sheesh...oh another specialty of mine? Practically making one bored with my useless information especially when Im hyper excited about something and I'd yak like nobody's business. That's what happen if someone were to get me started talking about csi:miami sypnosis or episodes and I would probably start from a to z while the person merely asked a question on who was the killer! hahahahaha......I mean, come on! You don't just want to know who was the killer..u want to know why the victim was killed....what is the relationship between the killer and the victim...why the killer turned out to be the unexpected victim...why horatio caine aka david caruso can be so hot at times despite his wrinkles magnified on screen....Hey, if I ask a fan of desperate housewives, I doubt they'll just go..'oh..she had an affair with so and so'...they'll probably go 'well...actually he came on to her first..and she tried to avoid it..but they ended up bed..blah blah blah'...This is called 'passion' man! No, I mean passion as in huge interest in something not as in passion in bed....

Anyway, on Sundays also, I would usually catch up on my readings since weekdays I'd be pretty zonked out. YES..I know most times I stay up late even till past 3am in the morning doing what I like most which don't include drooling on my pillows. I can't actually put a finger to it like wat I do exactly at such late freakin' hours besides blogging but one thing for sure I can say: I am actually at peace like for once, nobody instructs me around or im doing things that I dont like but they're still a must....oh, and then blogging also provides an insight into my own life and I don't blog to attract people to come in and read and make me famous till I stop writing real but glorified entries. Blogging is like an outlet to me. I know I don't usually show much of my real feelings to people that very often, people misunderstood me but still, I don't really find that an issue. Im so used to all kinds of remarks, of which some are rather nasty, and some are so not true, but this is just part of life. Either people don't like you, jealous of you, unkind to you....or they're just idiots. As long as they dont destroy my day, make me lose my job or lose a limb, they can buzz off.

Know what? sundays also give me time to rejuvenate things that have been lying around helplessly in my room. I jz rejuvenated my scanner of many years and that damn thing is useful but did I see through its usefulness? No...I let it collect dust. So I did it quite a lot the last time but after upgrading my internet server where things can be downloaded much faster and I can more images online without resorting to scanning pics from physical materials such as magazines. But earlier, I gave life to it back by wiping it clean...reinstalling the software to make it workable again..did some scannings...and once I had given it a good wipe down, I covered it in a cotton like bag which came with a bag purchase from a shoe shop. When I mentioned to my friend about the usefulness of investing in a scanner, which is also getting cheaper due to its falling popularity coz of the 3 in one machines (e.g. print, scan and copy)...i suddenly thought about my own scanner and my promise to it. Okay, so I don't talk to machines but still, they're very precious to me..and I felt bad for neglecting them. They're my babies! *okay freak talk there*

So okay, im back to scanning and gosh, memories just keep flooding back as I was scanning bdae pics from 21st birthdays. It's really surprising that in a few years time after that, people change. Friendships tightened as you see who are your real friends, friendships broken as third parties come own friendship with my bestfriend of so many years falling apart. Oh, and me getting fatter over the years right after the year I left school...which is 20 years old and above which affected me really bad. Anyway, it will be great to have a gathering with these people again as we relive those good ol' moments when we were not too bogged down with so much work and commitment. People got new jobs...a new friends...then before you know it, we're not longer together coz our busy schedules have kept us apart. For me, having been thankful to them for accepting me the way I am, all weird, fat..and what else they thought of me as, and still treating me as a friend all these years, I will always try to make time for them. So figures why I am always there most times during gatherings especially the big ol' ones like birthday gatherings.

Oh, if you want to check out the pics, and see the progress of people's looks and my darn 'coconut' shaped haircuts..geez...can take a look at my newly revamped website. Gosh, now people are so hooked on to the internet and then finding things like these sort of websites that actually existed for some time already, such sites are getting recognition and the traffic. But we're getting more internet savvy and more 'open' towards widening our social circles like making new contacts through sites like friendster. I mean, hey..if it makes the world smaller..why not? Jz don't get too near the weirdos who are only out to destroy the fun out of making life long friends.

So by the way..the address is so happy browsing and drop comments if you can too..not that I need them! hehe...

Long Weekend, A Little Rambling & My Lack of Gratitude

The day I discover IG filters It's almost mid week to August..argh. I am in the midst of a long weekend, which sadly will come to ...