Sometimes, I dont know what to comprehend out of this crisis that I am having in my life. I know that this is just God testing our willpower and I know that out of this crisis, things can get better even if we dont expect the outcome. I rest my father's fate in God but my only hope is that my father gets well soon and that he doesnt have to suffer like this anymore. It pains me so much seeing him going in and out of consciousness that every day seems like a battle of survival for him. It has been a very tiring ordeal for me too and the fact that my mum isnt the supportive kind, it does make things difficult for me as we both dont understand each other's dilemma. She doesnt understand why I keep getting upset over my father's condition because she said that all this while, my father has been suffering maybe not so much in sickness like now, but in terms of survival because we dont exactly live a cushy lifestyle. We have power cuts often last year when we struggled to pay our utility bills and every time that happens, we all had to be thick skinned and look for sources that can help us.
My mum also said his relatives dont care about him. Only now when he is in true medical crisis, that they rally support around him. If things have taken for the worse and *touch wood* God decides to take his life away, it is only for the better and not for the worse.
I know I am always on the stand that if you love someone so much, you should be willing to let him go. But I dont think that time has come yet for me to make such an ultimatum decision. If there are means and ways for the doctors to improve his condition and hopefully bringing him closer to the road of recovery, I am all for it.
I've always mentioned that you can call me selfish for always praying for my dad to get better and not wanting to let him go yet. I do not know if this is the reason my father is still alive even though he's going through this crisis. I really do not know. My mum's other concern with me is that now my world involves so much around my dad that I forget about my other family members mainly she and my brother.
I understand that no matter what happens, life goes on. Other people have gone through their fair share of crisis and they come out of it stronger although the memories are still fresh in their mind and the bad episode in their life still haunt them once in awhile.
My mind is a complete blank now. I have been praying hard for my father's recovery but I do not know if God is messing with my mind right now by making my dad better and then sick the next moment. If this is His idea of a cruel joke, I am not buying it. But if it is just a test for me to see how much love and respect that I have which I admittedly did not shower him enough of before this crisis, I am willing to repay back. I cant turn back the clock but I promise that I will make things right, if only God grants me my one wish which is to help my father out by saving his life. Please give me the opportunity to make things right with my dad. Please dont take him away from me yet. Please.