Tuesday, June 29, 2010

Love Has Come

Do you believe in the one? Sometimes when we think that life cant get any lonelier than this, someone emerges or reemerges in our life that puts an end to our loneliness. I'm not talking about myself but rather this successful newspaper editor who has been writing the Sunday column on life's musings and also life as a single woman. Sorry to break your bubble on that..haha. I'm glad that she has found someone who will grow old with her and the interesting thing is that she knew this guy from way  back in her past who has since re-emerged in her life and brought her love and joy.

While it's good to be a single independent young woman, at times girls like us do wish for a male companion who is willing to care for us even during our crankiest days. Even if he doesn't turn out to be someone more than a friend later on, it doesn't matter actually. I know I will learn from the experience though it may be a painful process especially if the relationship turns sour and I still like the guy.

But life goes on. At least you get to experience the blissfulness of being in love with someone who cares for you enough to make you think about him every single moment and you just wish that you are in his company right now instead of being behind the computer doing some boring monotonous work.

Alas, I can only dream of that for now. Maybe one day I get to meet 'him' and get a shot at love. Honestly, if you ask me, Im not looking at a long term relationship at the moment but who knows, in the near future, just like some people, love will come back looking for me when the time is right.

If that is the case, I can only wait and hope for the best. Sumiko Tan, congratulations on your upcoming wedding bliss and companionship.

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Monday, June 28, 2010

Fun Photoshoot

My friends have been coming up with fun ideas to spend time with one another without spending too much money and few months back, we had a DIY spa session which turned out to be great though as usual I was sceptical coz Im not really a 'spa' person. I dunno..I just have this problem with people touching me or at very close range. I can't even hug properly for heaven's sake..haha.

So another brainwave came about again and we had this make up session cum photoshoot. I wanted to learn how to do smoky eyes so my friend later came out with another idea to just well...do an entire makeover for us! Plus it's free...whee!! I wouldn't say it's professional but who cares, the important thing was that we had fun being dolled up and posing though as usual, I can't pose to save my life much like dancing and singing.

But thank God for my patient friends whose creativity are beyond words know how to pose and where to pose and taught me along the way. Though I like most of the photos taken, I dunno..maybe heavy make up adds years to my age. In other words, I look quite old..haha. But that's just me.

So these are some of the photos that were taken. I edited some of the photos to give them a nice feel :) Just don't puke.

Shopping and Shopping

Shopping and shopping. Yes I know I am not supposed to shop given my 'other' priority is to pay bills (to think that i have yet to settle even my phone bills :S) and that it will be such a tiring thing to re-budget and re-budget so that I don't end up with very little savings. No doubt bonus is less than a month away but still. Anyway, I met a friend last Friday after not seeing for some time and I thought it was just an ordinary meet up with coffee but we ended up spending at cotton on and mango since they were having sales and she just swooped in..haha. I know going out with her also mean having to spend on myself too because I find that whenever she buys something, I am compelled to buy something as well coz I dunno, even if I have not picked out anything to buy, she will pick it out for me. It always happens though so sometimes Im quite thankful that I don't go out with her often. Very dangerous for my pocket..haha..though I try to play smart and not be crazy over my purchases like I know when is enough and if the price is right based on my mental calculations. I wonder if my brain has gone bigger from all this mental calculations of my budget.

I mean, come on, my mum has this mentality that I can get whatever she wants and my headaches will come about whenever she's inspired by some cooking show and she wants me to get those ingredients that I doubt she will ever use since she doesn't even cook. It's such a waste but she hates it when I ask what is the purpose of me getting those ingredients like what is she going to do. If I say no, she will sulk and complain that I am too calculative and me not getting what she wants is implying that I have used up all my savings. Well, I need to make sure I don't run out of them. But me and my mum don't have the same wavelength in regards to spending of money. 

And I still don't get why the heck she sees Haagen Daaz ice cream as the 'cure' for her stomach pains. Utter ridiculous 'thanks' to my ever 'helpful' aunt who doesn't real actual food but prefers indulging in ice cream and chocolates. 

Well, at least she knows that she has spent so and so and when she gets her money this week, she's not going to use them. I don't know how long will that be before she starts asking me for money to cover her expenses when she's not around.

My family is so dysfunctional. But this time I can't blame her totally coz Im at fault as I screw up on my budget based on my own expenditures. Im still hard at saving daily though so hopefully I'll make a recovery of my money however little it can cover..sigh. Come next month in July, since I've already shopped in advance way before my next pay, I shall be in hibernation..haha. Like real.

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Tuesday, June 22, 2010

Char Kway Teow..not!

Talk about wanting to live life coz life is so short. After so long, I actually bought and ate char kway teow. But then I chickened out. What do I mean by that? I did eat and I don't deny jthat but it was like just a few mouthful that don't even add up to half a pack even. It didn't look as good as the ones on tv or on the internet. It was rather dry and I urh...felt like throwing up after eating a few mouthfuls. Maybe it wasn't a good choice of place to buy but it wasn't a matter of place. Perhaps the ones on tv are more mouthwatering because of added ingredients that a 'halal' char kway teow just can't live up to. Those original chinese char kway teow are most probably tastier. I don't know if I want to have a go at it again but for now, I'll pass since shortly after that I experienced rather acute stomach pains. I don't know if part of it is guilt induced or what..haha.
Ok you are wondering what is the big freakin deal about eating char kway teow? It IS a big deal because I avoid kway teow or flattened rice noodle since the noodles itself is soaked in oil in order to not let it stick to each other. And then when they cook they add even more oil and fats in order to make it more 'wet' and I think I don't want to go on describing lest you give up the sinful food.
In case you have never heard of char kway teow, let me educate you :)
I still think where you buy from counts like as in whether you get a tasty one or a 'meh' one and I definitely got the latter one. I have a place in mind though as in where to get a good one though, you know me, I have not tasted from it yet. It will be a long while though. If you are willing to induldge in a calorie laden dish, make sure it's worth every single calorie at least.a


Monday, June 21, 2010

Count Your Blessings

Sometimes, we worry over so many things that we forget to count our blessings. We have to be aware of our surroundings that other people may be worse off than us and yet many of them still lead a fulfilling life.
For myself, every day I am plagued with the worry that my money is running out very soon because at times, I have problems coping with my family's..or rather my mother's..extravagance needs. Haagen Daaz ice cream to 'cure' her of her tummy aches?! Give me a break! So I freakin' end up spending 23 over dollars. I think going to the doctor will be cheaper than that and it will cure her pronto.
But you know what, it's tiring to think about this every single day and at times, every few hours. Such a big headache. For the last few days, I have been having fever at night which made me lethargic so I end up going to bed earlier.
Then I got this revelation that I shouldn't worry so much and I should start counting my blessings. Im not penniless, for now, and Im still saving up as per usual every day and next month, I will get my bonus as well compared to last year where I was practically borrowing money to tide over the difficult times. Part of the bonus will go back to my savings account to help me cope with the expenses for the next few months. As to how much of it will go there, I do not know since I've got other urgent things to pay as well. I just need to manage my money well by being smart about spending and I think I will be fine. 
When it comes to weight management, that is another area where I am basically so hung up over. I don't eat a lot of things because I have this fear that it's going to affect my overall health being after the health scare few years ago. Although I still won't compromise on my health, though fried food are always appealing, I should take it easy too just like what Mika has advised in his song 'Relax, take it easy'. Even the doctors advise that we must eat all food in moderation by knowing our limit and also inculcate a habit of developing an eating plan. For example, if we eat fried char kway teow today, the next few days we must go easy with our food intake by opting to eat healthier food choices. It's a simple formula though I admit it's easier said than done. Aiyah this whole losing weight process is not easy. You just have to learn to be super disciplined.
We must remind ourselves that life is too short and that we only live once. Problems will always arise whether we like it or not although it's best we don't find them..haha. I can always learn to manage my time, money and health but I have to learn to do it wisely and if I think that I am doing it right, then I should continue to do so and everything will fall into place nicely instead of worrying about it constantly like some fear of the unknown. God will also help us in times of adversities like He always has been. 

Friday, June 18, 2010

Just Another Belt Tightening Day

You have no idea what I am doing right now. I am refreshing you tube every now and then because I am anticipating an upload of a very recent episode of Emmerdale. You know Im a soap fan though I selectively watch what I want to see only. Meanwhile, while waiting, I shall blog which is like the most logical next step. Anymore logical, I will be lying on my comfy sofa right now.

Sometimes, things work in mysterious ways. I was recently stuck in a dilemma as to how I was going to spend my half day leave in the afternoon going shopping with a friend of mine. There are several things running through my mind. For one, I do not have shopping money...or at least, money spared for shopping. I am quite particular about spending my money because I am currently in the midst of paying my outstanding bills and it's a hefty burden for me. Second, I kinda dislike going shopping with people especially those who seem to have an aversion to what I like and it sucks coz you really like it coz it's so you and they have to spoil your day by saying that it doesn't look good on you. Instead they recommend something to you that so darn appalling. If they offer an opinion which clearly says that they know what they're talking about and that Im just delusional for liking it, then I can understand. 

For myself, I don't like gawdy clothing or anything that add years to my age. I like simple basic wear but of course sometimes I go for slightly elaborate designs as long as it doesn't overpower the whole outfit. I don't have to think so freakin hard over a certain outfit and if it makes me thing so long, then it's probably not worth it. The only thing I do is making mental calculations and to think carefully if I have something similar to this at home and also if I will wear it. Most of the time, I will because I don't want to waste my money on a piece of clothing that will never see the light of day because I think I look awkward in it. 

I don't have a specific colour that I avoid or buy too often. I like a variety of colours as long as they don't all come together. But then again, I don't really like green unless it's a nice colour. 

So I would rather shop alone. It's not as scary as it sounds. In fact, it's rather liberating because there is no one there trying to psycho you in not buying the outfit. Or better yet, psycho into buying something even though you are pretty reluctant just because they bought something and it's just so weird for them to see me not getting anything like I should spend my money too.

Therefore when the plan got shelved, I kinda am pretty happy although I shouldn't be gloating over her misfortune. I mean we will definitely resume our plan later but hopefully by then, I have some shopping money at least. Now, Im totally in a dry spell. So dry I even have to give the Mango sales a miss including that top which I clutched to death in the shop but had to put it back because I don't want to carry the guilt of buying  in times of financial hardship right now.

Then the next coincidence was when my aunt messaged me at about the same time that she had to shelf her plan of meeting me in the later evening as well to pass me her makeup tip because she was unwell. So instead, she would mail it to me which I have already received. Save my trip of travelling all the way to Woodlands in a super packed train surrounded by nauseating bodily odour. Plus the trip back and forth is not cheap coz when I go back home, I have to change public transport three times.

While I try to try to sustain for as long as I can the money for the week, sometimes I just have to spend money like the cover for my work place wireless keyboard. I understand why people go gaga over apple products coz they are so nice to use (although the wireless mouse has a life of its own) but they're so resistant to wear and tear because of their customary white colour. And because I don't have clean fingers all the time as I also eat at my table for lunch and also any time of the day, they keyboard is bound to get dirty very very soon like it's predecessor when I first got the imac. Unfortunately, my office is not purchasing the keyboard covers for us as it's considered for personal usage. The cover comes in a variety of colour, and I got mine in pink (so pretty!), which I had to fork out $25 just now :( Actually part of the money I had in my wallet was to buy a skirt on sales at harbourfront centre which I was pretty reluctant to go coz, like I said, I didn't spare any shopping money. If not the skirt, it can go towards buying of groceries which is a more pressing need.

Anyway, before you bludgeon me for not staying true to my words to be careful about spending, I did my mental calculations already and I emailed my brother's public trustee officer the receipt for yesterday's visit to the hospital just now. I actually used my money first to pay for his doctor's consultation. It was $28 which can cover back the $25 that I spent on the keyboard cover. I withdrew from my mum's savings account first and at the end of the month, the public trustee will refund the money back to her account so it's sorta like a win win situation. I just hope she receives my email or she hasn't quit yet coz if not, then Im in trouble :S Ok, maybe not. There's always the generic email but I don't want to lose her because so far, she has been very professional and helpful. And I've always been courteous in my email as well..hehe.

If there is any consolation, I was this close in buying the latest edition of Cleo magazine and also  this close to spending about $4 plus on a set meal comprising of delicious soft boiled eggs, bread and hot tea, which is about the same price as the mag. In the end, I didn't because of the constant reminder to myself that I need to use the money for more pressing needs. But I suspect that I somehow will end up buying the soft boiled eggs but perhaps at another shop over this weekend which is selling much lesser than this so called upscale Ya Kun. Of course it's always cheaper to do it yourself but not in  my household where my mum is super guarded over her kitchen and the laundry area although now, because she lacks exercise outdoors, she suffers from aches and pain every now and then. So now I have to help out in hanging my share of laundry. 

I popped by the library and borrowed two past issues of Cleo magazines instead. I dunno man, I still want to get that magazine because this issue is worth buying because based on the covers, I am interested in most of the headlines of the articles inside. We shall see.

I am going to bed now and I want to wake up a biiiit early so that I can catch the latest episode of Ireland's Emmerdale. It promised an exciting episode so I think by morning, they would have put it up already on you tube. Why can't Singapore and UK has the same timing, at least just for this..haha. Miracles do happen but definitely not this way.

Thursday, June 17, 2010

Disappointed with Hotmail

I am truly sad and disappointed because I have lost the email account that I have been using for more than ten years. I tried to ask hotmail for help and they asked me to provide info and twice I did that and twice too they refused to give me the link to reset my password. I don't know what else I can say. I can't provide some of the info because it's like ten donkey years ago and so I cannot remember what the heck I have provided under the personal info though I tried my best to recall some of the email addresses. 

Instead, they gave me the link to create another account instead. Why should I do that? If I were to do that, I won't even bother to ask help from them to give me back my old account. It will be such a complete waste of time including completing their neverending word recognition tests to prove that I am not a spam bot. 

So I gave this reply back to them when they did not give me the link for the password reset.

Thank you for your help but I refuse to sign up for another hotmail account. I've put up with all the problems hotmail had in the early years even when gmail offered a bigger storage space later on. And now you can't even do a simple password reset when a user's account is hacked into despite giving my best to provide the information based on memory. I've been faithful to hotmail for nothing. 10 wasted years.

You can sense my disappointment like a mile away from the reply. It's just so darn ridiculous and stupid. I did not have problems logging in but hotmail seem to be having other technical problems which did not allow me to view my inbox maybe because they were upgrading and I had to forward emails to my gmail account instead.

Ah well, that email address will forever be remembered because of its significance. Whoever is misusing that email address, you can have it coz hotmail sucks anyway.

Wednesday, June 16, 2010

Payment Woes Again

Some idiot has hijacked my email and even though, I kinda knew it at first, I didn't know that idiot would go as far as to change my password and possibly the secret answers to the questions that they would ask to verify the account. This is so dumb! And even more dumb than this is that the hotmail staff is not able to verify, based on my info given, that this is truly my account. I had to send them my second email and I had to put my last words in by saying that I have used the email address for the last 10 years since 1999 and I will not allow it to be taken over by some idiot! No I didn't add that idiot part but I will if they still say that account is not mine! 

Sigh, anyway, back to my monotonous life. You know how Im still neck deep with my outstanding bill to town council? And then HDB is pressurizing me to give me an earliest date to make an appointment with them upon settling the damn bill. They called a few times and even though I gave them the timeline, they still call me to check upon the status. Im this short of yelling at them saying that I will still live in this house after the transfer of ownership and I will pay the damn town council. It's not as if I am going to transfer this house to a third party or what. It's just so ridiculous how they are not flexible. But I don't want to say much because if they decide they do not want to carry on with the transfer, I will be in bigger trouble so I just have to agree to pay up quickly and get this over and done with.

And it doesn't help that my savings are dwindling. Okay not exactly...coz every now and then I try to save up as much as I can on a daily basis to make up for what I have spent and so far, it is working in the sense that I manage to break even although last month, my mum has gone a bit loco with her choice of food despite complaining almost every day that her stomach cannot digest well. I don't understand why cant she just go to the doctor instead of trying to self remedy herself. It will really help her and at the same time, help to ease the pockets as well with her self remedies such as trying out a variety of chinese herbs. And then now, her current self remedy is to make for herself vegetable soup to help alleviate the pain in her stomach. 

I have wasted like what...two annual leaves...and then she STILL didn't want to go doctor for fear that if she goes out, her stomach will give her problems. Then how long can she keep on complaining? On one hand, she doesn't mind going to the doctor and then letting the doc write a referral to the hospital so that she can die there and not suffer anymore. On the other hand, she's scared like shit like what if there is more to her illness. Why does she always have to play these stupid mind games.

Sigh, because of the current heap of problem Im in regarding the payment to town council (damn it, and it doesn't help they have increased the fees!) and then further anticipating to pay 200 over dollars for the official transfer of ownership (aren't they paid enough to torture us hdb dwellers already?!), I've decided to stop looking forward to my mid year bonus next month. I don't know if I have enough of it left once I have paid these goons.

But I still do not want to give up on building a comfortable emergency fund. I know I can do this...I know I can. There are people out there who earn a small income or are also struggling through on a daily basis but is still able to put their children into polytechnics and some to universities even. I just need to learn now to cut my expenses as and where I can. I know some families can make do with a basic soap brand, for example, that is inexpensive but in my household, my mum is very particular, and she just cannot make do with a generic brand. So almost like once in two weeks, and sometimes in a week even, I have to buy a bottle of dettol and the price is about 8 over dollars. And then she uses it like water meaning that she doesn't give a damn about how she pumps which explains why that thing can finish quite fast. 

Luckily, at times they offer a discounted price for the soap and I able to cut down to slightly less than 2 dollars. And then recently, I was trawling neighbourhood shops and I found even cheaper than where I usually buy them which is at Watson's. This is great news. I actually don't shun such shops but I often return home late and Im just too tired and hungry to actually walk to these shops which are situated quite far from the mall and bus stop. But years ago when I was struggling even more than I am right now, I had to learn to pick myself up and go to a less upscale supermarket than Cold Storage which is the NTUC Fair Price that is situated even FURTHER away from the main bus stop. 

So in the process, I learn that I have to be willing to put my tiredness aside and then just trudge ahead so that I am able to save some money in terms of groceries. My family is not the type who can buy groceries in bulk for about a month. In mere days, it will be gone. She lives in a world where everything is at her beck and call coz she has enough of living a hard life when she was younger and she is not about to go back to her past. Unfortunately, she has a stubborn daughter and while I am able to give in to her ridiculous demands at times, some things are run my way. Like I've said many times before, though I can't stop her from making these ridiculous demands, I somehow do try my best to try to alleviate the pain of spending on her demands. It does pain me sometimes especially when my plans to get some other stuffs get derailed, or I have to reassess my budget, usually in the shower..heh, I'll do whatever I can to make life easier for me and my family.

But for now, mum's woes aside, now Im scratching my head on planning out the payment to Town Council. I know I can do this but currently Im stumped. I can pay them right now the full amount, no kidding, but then my family also has to eat and what if there is a more pressing emergency in the future and then I got nowhere else to dig for money? I can resort to borrowing but I just don't want to go that stage. In the end, it will also be a problem to me because I also have to return the money. Sigh, I just have to wait and see..and erm..save frantically for now.

Sunday, June 13, 2010

My Beauty Essentials

For Hair, Face and Body

For out to town

Work Make Up. Very Basic.

Moisturizers Galore

Im not much of a beauty person though I think that as a young woman, I must take good care of my physical appearance which includes taking good care of my skin. Currently, Im on the lookout for a good body scrub that is affordable which preferably has to be less than 10 bucks..hee. Yes I know I should go for a better price than that coz it will be better obviously but I want it to be something that can be easily bought back once I have finished using it. Ok, Im trying not to be wasteful so what I have right now, I will fully utilize them first. I have another 3 types of body wash to make use of before I can even buy another one. I got them as gifts though my friend sniggered over such choice of gifts by my colleagues coz it can only meant to be a big HINT as to how I smell..haha. No offence taken though. They're not exactly cheap either.

I was at a website dedicated to teaching idiots people like me who are absolutely clueless when it comes to applying makeup though I must say at the very least, I know how to put on a simple make up. I think she is doing a fantastic job and what strikes me most about her is how confident she is and it's all thanks to make up because for one, she acknowledges that she is not like the skinny models in the beauty magazines. She also admits that she is fat, though she recently has lost weight through a diligent diet and is looking hot, and her size makes her feel like she has low self esteem. However, she discovers make up has a way of making her look pretty and gives her an instant confident boost.

I admit that I haven't been giving myself kind words like calling myself fat and ugly. In fact, I am not doing justice to myself at all because the past four years, I have been working hard to make sure that I don't go back to my former fatter self. I have also learned to take better care of my skin though yes, in both situations, like any regular people, I do lapse as well because it's such a major chore for a simple girl like me.

But I take it as though it's a normal routine like brushing my teeth and bathing. I can't skip that, right? Even animals in the zoo bathe.

If you are someone on a tight budget but wants to look good as well, I do suggest some home remedies such as making your own body scrub from some things you find in the kitchen like sea salt, lemon and etc. Do look up you tube videos or google so you have a better idea and can save more money this way as well.

If not, you can just look out for discounts at Guardian Pharmacy or Watson's where at certain periods of time, they do offer discount such as the current 20% discount for selected products. Body Shop is also having discounted sale as well for some of their products for up to 15% discount if you are on the look out for better products.

Picture 1:

If you have dry patchy skin like me, do buy cocoa butter or a moisturizing lotion with vitamin E and oils. Honestly, I HATE the smell of cocoa butter coz it's so nauseating but it does wonders for the patchy skin on my feet coz they are the part of my body that have gone through a lot of stress from eczema. This is from a friend of mine. In fact, the face moisturizer tub is from her also. Night time I use another moisturizer from Garnier. One week old only.

Picture 2:

Za concealer is a MUST for me as I have numerous blemishes under my chin which I totally hate. There can be a time when one zit will come out one after another leaving ugly freakin scars that will take FOREVER to recover.  Oh, and eyebrow pencil. Im naked without it and that's not a good thing to see me naked.

Picture 3:

Okay, I can do without eye shadow, though a shimmery one is a God sent for non make up gurus like myself. I like blushers. One in pink shade and the one pictured has an earth tone colour to it.

Picture 4:

From experience, I highly recommend using a facial scrub that has gentle exfoliating grains such as that from St Ives or Himelayas. You don't have to use it every day because it can make your skin rather dry looking but if you have to, use one that is suitable for every day use on top of your moisturizing facial wash. Im using the one for blemishes coz obviously I need it. It keeps the blemishes at bay but I have to use it very often to make sure they don't come back in full force. Once a week, you can use a facial mask to help keep your skin supple, fresh and younger looking :D You can buy a pack for just $1.95. Or invest in an affordable clay mask for example that you can leave on while you shower.

 So if you are a simplistic budget conscious girl like me, there are numerous products out there that can help you be on par with many other girls who have deeper pockets. You just need time to look out for them and also borrow health and beauty magazines that can recommend some of the best products in the markets for all sorts of budget.

Ultimately, it's not a competition on who will look the best because even beauty queens and celebrities are not perfect. Basically, it's about you taking good care of yourself.

Saturday, June 12, 2010

Happy 15th Birthday Bro!

My brother has recently been rather addicted to Sims 3. Actually we bought it last year after I got the new laptop coz we were so into the game but I wasn't used to the new game play compared to Sims 2 so it kinda slipped my mind to play it all over again. Ok fine, it was getting rather difficult to play and erm..being someone who sucks at games and who thought that this simulation game is the ONLY game I can excel too, it was quite a downer for me. But anyway, all hope is not lost yet coz I shall learn to play it! Bring it on! But let me finish reading the manual first.

Speaking about my brother, he recently turned 15. Yay for the young man! As much as I think he is a good boy, I feel like I am being a bad sister. I haven't really taught him much about life lessons and bringing him up well with good moral values though I think he is pretty much a thinker himself. He knows he shouldn't get into unnecessary trouble by not mixing in with the wrong crowd. I do nag at him especially about money because we are not a well to do family. Though he used to be frustrated if I told him I was not able to get him some things like not showering him with rather expensive gifts, he got used to it and he knows that Im just simply too budget conscious..heh. But even if I think that I haven't been  performing my sisterly duties well, I thank God that he isn't a handful to take care of. And I also admire his patience in dealing with my mum's rather crazy antics especially when he's at home to hear her spewing nonsense. 

Ok fine, I do teach him one or two things and one of them is patience. Though being a typical teenager, he does get frustrated easily, I said that you just have to learn to ignore and do your own things. If she asks you to buy food, just go buy but understandably, after school he gets tired especially if he walks home. And then that 'duty' falls on me :S

He may be a generally good boy now keeping things to himself sometimes and finding ways to entertain himself such as drawing out blueprints (I see a future career for him) and reading in computer magazines, watching youtube videos on gadgets and uhm..reading on how to make money. I don't know if all will come together in future for him but I want him to grow up to be a useful citizen and not one who terrorizes the nation.

Happy birthday dear brother. Sorry if I didn't get you any birthday gifts and at least I made up for it by buying for you a proper birthday cake rather than a box of donuts which you still think it's the cheapest thing for me to do..haha. Im glad you are a boy who thinks big but with simple needs by not asking for more than we can afford.

Have a great year ahead and  uhm..please make good use of the Jun hols. I will make up for my lack of sisterly duties by making sure you start preparing for your exams early because I just want you to do well and go to a good poly course :)

Sunday, June 06, 2010

Distracting Bloated Weekend

Strange. Today I went to gym as per every Sunday morning (though today was a tad bit too early :S) and then at the end of the workout, I didn't feel as tired as I was and didn't sweat as much as I often do. So much so, I was this close to NOT bathing and washing my hair even like seriously contemplating on just wiping myself dry. And the fact that the water was super cold simply made me even more lazy but because Im such a considerate person who doesn't want people around me to faint when I step out of the gym, I turned on the heater and took the shower.

Anyway, I am bloated today due to water retention. It made me feel like I put on weight even though I just weighed myself last Sunday and it showed that I had lost a bit of it. Actually started since yesterday coz..uhm..it's the dreaded time of the month though based on previous experience, I have learnt to appreciate getting it because at one point of time, I quietly suffered a medical condition concerning its irregularities. So whatever discomfort I experience, I don't seem to quite mind though yes I do get short tempered a bit especially when I am queueing or standing for some time which can get very umcomfortable and painful. The discomfort will be over in a few days and by next Sunday, I suppose I will be ok already. 

So now my 'spare tires' look so freaking obvious and I may have problems wearing my clothes without feeling self conscious. Oh, my object of affection and of unrequited love was not around (again!) today and it's always that moody gym facilitator who may be rather cute but always looks like he's not supposed to be there with his constant messaging and bored look. So sad, coz my hair actually looks good today. Too bad then. Ah, but I also looked bloated today so yah, thank God too he did not turn up or otherwise he thought that I went on a food rampage which made me look unusually bigger today..haha.

Nothing to distract me. Not interested in the guys there. Most of them are probably younger than me like in the early 20s or in their late teens even. Ok, I was distracted but not by the guys. Rather, it would be some of the gym users like today, there was this young woman who was walking quickly on the treadmill but instead of walking on the moving belt, well technically she was, but at the same time she kept stepping on the front part of the platform where the moving belt was coming out from. Obviously it meant that either she had to walk faster or she had to increase the speed lah but no, she just kept stepping on that hard plastic partl. So freakin' noisy!

Then, when I moved on to the stationery bike, another woman beside was being distracting as well! What the heck. She kept on turning her head, swinging her towel from left to right while cycling. I can tell that she's really good at multi tasking though. She looked pretty exhausted and maybe she was fidgeting because of that like she just gotta continue. I was afraid she was going to faint though.

If the other woman, who looked like a China woman, was to turn up, then I would strike rich coz that one is also another major distraction. On the rowing machine, she would pull the string wildly like she was whipping a horse. I guess these people are just over enthusiastic like some of the guys who grunt loudly whenever they carry the heavy weight to tell the whole world gym that they are building muscles. Ah, whatever.

Speaking of distraction, I am still distracted by my bloated tummy..haiz. Well, tonight, I am going to use a new facial product and truthfully, I should be smacked. Payday is only next Saturday and I told myself I am going to super scrimp but while waiting for my mum to call back, I hung out at the library and read the Cleo magazine. One of the articles was about beauty awards given to those products that work well and are highly recommended. I don't know why nowadays Im slightly obsessed with wanting to look good. Influence from friends? I dunno...perhaps. But because Im super stingy, I get those products that are useful but do not burn a hole in my pokes. So I came across this one beauty product which is a night facial moisturizer which promises to give me a more radiant complexion and lighten the scars on my face. Sounds like a plan and to be rewarded by a fame beauty magazine is even better. Plus it was affordable. 

Currently they are having a Great Singapore Sales and Watson's is having 20% discount for many of the products. So uhm...I bought one for like 15 dollars only instead of almost 19 dollars. I can assure I will definitely use this product as I don't have one. Nowadays I don't believe in getting many types of things, such as moisturizer, that are going to deliver the same result anyway as it will be a waste of money. Then if I stop using a product half way coz I got another similar one, then I have to throw it away or it will accumulate on my dressing table.

But I know how most girls feel like oh, if they come across something that promises to deliver even better results, then it's just so tempting to get it. It takes a lot of willpower I tell ya, to NOT get it. Lucky Im quite well trained after many years, haha. 

My next aim is to get a lighting cream for the scars on my legs and while I don't think it will totally work, I suppose 50% is not a bad aim. Its original price is $17 but currently is selling at $11 only. I suppose I can get it by next Saturday and I will try to be a good girl by not buying any other beauty products BEFORE I get this product even if I am not able to get it by that day. And ah..it helps for me to continue saving at least $2 per day too to 'lessen' the guilt..hee.

Like the saying goes, plan to fail, fail to plan.

Saturday, June 05, 2010

Bleeding Ears

If anyone has a mum who has temperamental mood swings, I feel you. I mean I really feel bad for you. Everything you do or say is just wrong wrong wrong. It irritates the heck out of me like I don't know what she wants because she tends to go round and round the thorny mulberry bush and then expect me to catch up with her. I try my best to please her but at times, things just go down hill especially when I don't do what she wants me to do or I get the thing wrong blah blah blah...She just can't accept faults. If she wants something, YOU JOLLY WELL GO AND GET THE BLARDY THING.

Sigh...why oh why, do I have to bear with this burden? Dear mum, Im only human. I know you had a difficult childhood especially when your mum treats you like an adult and then you were forced to grow up for survival or out of fear for your own mother who had to go out to work to support the family and then the burden of taking care of the family needs falls on you. I also know that as much as I try my best to be a good daughter, it's just not good enough for you. Infact, that will never happen since  you use your own self, in the past, as a guideline on how I should be. But times have changed. You also become more paranoid as you were used to doing things like how your mum expected you to do or you will get hell from her. I have long accepted that but please, don't get so worked up easily. I know you expect me to be very fearful of you and then you think that I have such a nonchalant attitude which frustrates you even more. Like I said, times have changed. I have changed too because Im now an adult and not the child you often beat up if I didn't do things your way. Then, you could vent your frustration through physical abuse and I don't know if the fact that you are not able to do that anymore make things worse for me and you. 

But you have no idea how much fear I still bear inside of me that at times, it affects my personal life and how I socialise with others. I feel like it's crippling me.
I hope things will improve between us. I will also learn to be less heck care if that is the thing that makes you angry coz I admit, my attitude towards the things around me isn't great. Sorry if I have made you angry but please, do give me a break as well. Sometimes, I feel so helpless.

Branded Windfall

I heard two news of death in one day just a day after my father's one year death anniversary. It's shocking coz every time I hear of someone who has passed away, I can't help but to sympathize with the family because of their big loss.

Yesterday, my mum together with my aunt went to the muslim cemetery to see to the burial of my late aunt. After that, they took a cab down to my father's burial plot to visit his grave. When my mum was telling me how clean his grave looks because of the hard work of the caretakers there and that his grave was nicely decorated with blue bricks, I wish I was there to see it for myself. After a year of not seeing him, it was definitely a tearful reunion of sorts to finally see him again and speak of words in our heart even though he can't hear us anymore. If I were to go, I will be such a dripping mess because the sheer thought of it, makes me have runny tears.

I know this may seem strange but we never seem to address him as late dad since he has left us for the heavens. It's like he still exists though just in our hearts. We still reminiscence him as though he has gone somewhere and will probably come back although he clearly isn't going to. I don't think I ever have the heart to finally address him as my late dad but just my dad. I know it's not the right thing to say because we have to accept that the person is gone. We do accept it but we just can't let go of memories of him especially when me and my mum bear the guilt and regret of not treating him right when he was not in his best of health.

Life is indeed very short and that we must be thankful for what we have including having food to eat. Not everyone has this privilege so we better treasure every single moment before it's too late. I know that even I myself feel guilty and making so much noise about definitely putting on weight after eating something which isn't good for my body, at least in my opinion, but once in awhile, indulging in a bit of ice cream won't kill me. If Im so worried, then I should not eat much la the next few days. Simple.  

I actually should stop harbouring such crappy thoughts because it undermines the fact that I still can eat good food whether or not I was the one who bought the ice cream. It's no joke but my colleague bought for me two pints of ben n jerry's ice cream. You know how expensive that bloody thing is although bottom line, it's still ice cream with additional stuffs like brownies and cookie dough, for instance. And you know too how I WILL NOT spend on such things because look at me, I don't even buy a 4 over dollars plus tub of ice cream. Maybe God knows that I don't spend my money unnecessarily especially on something that will make me be wrecked with guilt but He also knows that I have got my craving for Ben n Jerry's ice cream and merely a week after my rant on fb, a kind soul bought for me their ice cream.

Sometimes I feel like I'm on top of the world if people are being nice to me especially if every day Im struggling with life's demands. I don't want to experience hardship anymore and so every day too, I am doing my best to cope with my family's expenditure. Im still living under one roof with my mum whom you can't quite say No to even though later she ponders where does my money go to whenever I complain that I don't have money already..chet. I do have a friend who laments that Im under the control of my mum but babe, if she ever carry out a strike that she is never going wash and clean my clothes again for instance, Im going to hell. Heck, if I am ever disrespectful to her, Im going to hell too. Infact, I don't have to die just yet to experience the brutal hell, Im not going to have an easy life on earth too.

Life works in such a way that if you are good to people, you will have good things happening to you too but of course, not all the time because it will only make you less of a person if everything is handed to you on a platter. Currently, I envy this one ex colleague of mine who experienced a windfall after selling her house and is now on a shopping rampage for expensive branded bags. I know coz there are people who share snippets of their life story via facebook status updates. Then there is also another ex colleague who has a boyfriend that gets huge hints, on facebook no less, about wanting to buy a branded handbag. I think last I heard, she got it coz yes the announcement was clearly very big on facebook as well. If I ever  have a boyfriend, I don't want him to get me expensive things unless he wants to get it for me himself..haha..I will feel like such a loser if I ever encourage him heavily to get for me because that poor guy is also working hard to earn money but Im merely sponging off him.

Oh well, some people have it some people don't. Some people are pretty, some are fat and ugly like me. Don't get me wrong coz I've said many times, it's better to count on my blessings so being fat and ugly is not an issue for me though as a normal human being, being envious of other girls' good fortune is nothing unless I choose to be freaking jealous over it then it's not normal already. Im happy in the sense that though my good fortune is not as expensive as their taste in brand (my only so called branded good is a heavily discounted Guess wallet..I still don't have the guts to buy their gorgeous bag..such a simpleton), it actually comes from the kindness of the people around me who shower me with things like free food..haha...coz you know, food doesn't come cheap nowadays too. Oh, and at the end of the day, the bags that they bought? It's also for investment just in case one day, they need the money and they can sell off the bags. And what is one of the things that they will get after selling them off? Why, food of course! At the end of the day, it still comes down to satisfying our basic needs.

Ok fine, Im just trying to console myself there..haha.

Thursday, June 03, 2010

Make Up Wonders

I think I am not going to blog for the next two days or something..haha..so I don't end up writing rubbish like right now. You know, I've mentioned before how Im such a slob and a disgrace to all young women who take better care of their physical beauty than me like saying 'oi! do us proud leh! start slabbing on that moisturizer for gawd's sake!' 

Oklah, after having a series of break outs on my face, in particular my chin, and then looking more aged every single time even before turning 30 next year (chet..don't remind me), I decided to take care of my face at the very least since Im not good at multi tasking though I promise that in this brand new month, I shall start moisturizing my arms and legs again but especially my legs coz the funny weather makes my skin go on a dry spell. So currently, I've been using a facial scrub and a very moisturizing facial cleanser as well almost daily followed by facial moisturizer to maintain a youthful and blemish free look. So far so good though. Even if a pimple pops out coz my skin is ultra sensitive, it's just like a small one which will disappear soon instead of one of those ugly pimples which will leave an even uglier scar. I will feel so disfigured already plus the fact that Im not pretty, that sorta rubs it in as well.

I admit that I am not good at make up though I do own some make up products which are usually the basic kinds and not a whole collection of them as I will be a walking catastrophe if I decide to put on a heavy make up. I lost a tube of lip gloss for some time already coz I think I left it in one of my pockets but my mum could not find it though the next place she saw it was in the washing machine. But prior to that, since I thought it was a goner, I bought another lip gloss and I also bought a lip butter as my lips were getting ultra dry. Now, I have 2 lip glosses and a lip butter :S more than enough, man.

Whenever I see other girls wearing make up which make them prettier, I also wonder why I don't have that mesmerizing effect, haha. But honestly, if you are like me who is the 'go basic' type of girl (since I'm always sooooo....lazy) who will never OTT on the make up, actually the most basic make up style should help to enhance your looks rather than making u feel like you are putting on a mask.

Always stand firm that you should look good for yourself as it's part of 'I love me' which is good for your soul. 

Okay, after a horrifying picture of me sans make up yesterday (hehe, so very the sorry), I shall make it to you with a better picture of mine with the most basic of make up. Today I put on moisturizer, basic foundation and a smidgen of concealer coz I have a lot of ugly black acne marks on my chin. They just love to leave their marks there, dunno why. Of course not forgetting mascara, with eyebrows properly drawn and then my cheeks flushed with a nice touch of blusher coz I was on leave and had to go out to hospital for my brother's medical appointment. Basically, I had to go out lah and face the public.

still not pretty...but at least I'm less uglier than usual..haha.

I still don't think Im on par with most girls my age but heck, who cares. If I feel good about myself even if I just draw on my eyebrows, that's all it matters. Oh, plus the fact that it shows if I take good care of my skin as it will practically glows even if I just put on pressed powder to control my oily skin.

So I hope you can sleep well now..hee.

Waste of Money to Waist Loss

Okay after a tearful blog post, I shall try to be back in business. *wipes tears and snot off*

My beloved french cop drama (I know, you got to get used to me talking about this..lest I break into speaking french next) is left hanging with one of my fav characters in a slight limbo when one of his clients took an interest in him. The thing is, he just got married and I suppose this will throw him a boomerang in the face or something? heh..but I want my hero to be able to get over the distraction because the thing is, he is married to someone who is more senior than him and has problems being committed at first until the big realization later. Then this wingbat of a distraction apparently is just as young as him, hot and comes from the same beach side town as his.

I just love how positive thinking some of the fans are like oh, Kevin is going to get distracted but along the way will go back to his one true love. Because of such a cliffhanger, honestly I would rather they discontinue the series. I like the way thing are and being the selfish me, I want things to end on a happy note. :D

On a less happy note *sigh*, I have made multiple errors on spending when I am trying to scrimp and save money so that I won't be so much in misery while payday is still far far away still. Ok it's just next week but you get the point. I said I swear off spending for at least this month coz of stuffs to pay but the very next day, I bought a handbag from erm..M*phosis coz they were having sales and I've always wanted to buy one of their black coloured bags. The thing is, most of the bags were 50% off and knowing that I will get my bonus next month and an additional $200 on the 1st of July (which will probably be used to pay myself back :S), it's simply the case of.........'I'll be an idiot if I don't get it'. 

Then today, I was cheated off my money. Sigh. They put the sign BIG BIG that it was 1.95 and dunno how or why, I ended up paying $2.95 for one of the items. Cheated me of my $1. I don't want to question lah coz it was already registered as such. Shortly after, I had this bubble tea craving when someone walked past me with a cup of bubble tea. I like the drink but sometimes, it sucks depending on where I bought it from and most times, it tastes like diluted chocolate milk. On the sign board, it clearly said that it is $1.30 but how much I paid for it? $1.50!! For something so freakin' diluted! *eurgh* and I wasted like what..almost $5 of which the amount could actually go into buying groceries few minutes later as I was on my way there to get about 2 to 3 items. I ended up breaking up my $10 note. What a freakin' waste.

Anyway, lesson learnt hard. That $2.95 better be worth it coz it's actually a sample tube of a slimming gel from Nivea. I bought 3 tubes of a similar product before by Bio-Essence and I said 3 tubes coz they were actually very small but nevertheless, I used it till the very last squeeze. I wanted a smaller waistline and I thought, heck, since it was only $1.95, just buy it for the sake of 'experiment'. Honestly, it did work. I don't know how many inches I've lost but my skirt doesn't feel so tight. Maybe it's just me lah trying to trick myself into thinking the product actually works but then who cares. 

This Nivea tube is slightly larger and will probably last me longer and this time, my experiment is going to be more complete. I now have a measuring tape and if it works, the tape will let me know. I mean it won't speak to me coz that will be more freaking scary than a weighing  machine that shows BIG BIG how much you weigh. Actually, both are scary actually..haha.

Now my task is to shave off 2 inches and it will be a nice figure, so to speak. Of course there is always the case of additional support such as having a good diet and exercising to promote the inch loss which most slimming centres also advocate when they have clients coming in for their latest technologies in weight loss. Bet you didn't know that fact, eh? Actually, what they advocate can be far worse and ridiculous as well like totally giving up on carbohydrates and all because they want to make sure you really lose the freakin' weight and inches due to their expensive machinery. But it seems that their way of extreme dieting is the one making you lose weight but not their high tech weight loss machinery.

Once I finish using the cream, I shall let you know, eh? :D I'll be your guinea pig. And also to make sure I didn't pay the extra $1 for nothing..pfft. Losing that 2 inches is not a big deal. Im not doing it for the sake of vanity so let's just have fun with this, aight?

Wednesday, June 02, 2010

A Year of Passing

Dear Dad,

it has been exactly a year since you last left us for a better place. I admit it was really hard to let you go and I was determined to see you get better. Alas, seeing you all wired up and going in and out of consciousness made me have a change of heart and sometimes it's better to let you go than to let you continue to suffer unwillingly.

I will always remember those last few moments spent with you as I could not help but to shed tears of sorrow knowing that you were slowly drifting away from me. I touched your hair, your hand...things that I was too scared to do when you were well. I never uttered any 'I love you's to you because you were not the modern dad who would say such things but actions speaks louder than words and you did things that spoke volumes of your love to me and the family even when you were already sick and fragile.

The only thing in your mind is your family and even though we didn't treat you right when you were ill, you bore no grudges against us. You did not want us to suffer and you would rather suffer alone. I still blame myself at times for not being able to give you proper medication because I could not afford it with my measly income. 

God loves you more and He does not bear for you to suffer anymore. I only understand that at the very last moment and very quickly you were taken away from us.

Dad, wherever you are, I hope you find peace and in good company of your loved ones who have passed on. I still get misty whenever I recall memories of you because everything is just so fresh in my mind.

I love you Dad.

When I Grow Up

I shall begin with Yann..

Okay, Yann has nothing to do with the blog post. Im just currently obsessed with him so don't mind me.

Anyway, Im listening to the radio and they were laughing while reminiscing the past when they were 21. Then it got me thinking like how I was when I was 21. Well, I can tell ya, it was pretty great  because I finished school and was slowly embarking on a new job which was like my first official proper job. And then school ended :D yes I know I said that just now. No more P.E. lessons and though I would actually need it coz I kept putting on weight the next two three years..haha.

What I remembered back then was when the people at my new work place asked me how old I was and I said 21. They were shocked not because they thought I was that young but because I looked older than 21 :S what the hell..

My friend recently blogged and also told me how someone complimented her by saying that she looked 19. Like wow. That was shaving off 10 years off her age! Isn't that awesome?

Me at 21 about to blow the lone candles off..

Now now don't make fun of my outfit..hokayyy...the skirt was bought by my dear friends who saw me rather upset coz I could not fit into any clothes unlike them when we went out shopping. But then this skirt...this skirt fit me though it was the biggest of the lot. Don't laugh again. I tell ya, the skirt was definitely not cheap because it was from a major department store but they got it for me. That's frakkin' sweet I tell ya! The blouse also happened to fit me so I bought it because if you are my size, it's horrible shopping for clothes that I would settle for ANYTHING as long as it fits. Such a downer too coz apparently most of the clothes that can fit me are for aunties. I think even older aunties dressed up better than me.

Im 21!!!

 I had short hair and though I have short hair now too, I actually experimented with keeping my hair long coz I wanted to look more feminine.

Feminine look?! no?

Honestly, I wanted to put my past so much behind that I dressed up differently and grew my hair. Though I think I did look fairly good, but it was about only 20% of the time..haha. Now Im more chill and don't fuss so much because I think that if people like you, they will like you for who you are and you don't have to be such a vainpot to make people like you. It's good to take care of yourself such as your health and making a good overall impression that hey, you do indeed love yourself first before anyone else without hiding behind a thick veil of makeup.

So I think it's basically about me getting older  or because I have dealt with heavy issues in my life and in my twenties in particular that somehow, I learn what are the things that are more important in life and that life is a roller coaster.

Yes I do have my moments where I think that I will NEVER EVER EVER be slim and NEVER EVER EVER be pretty but it's just my 'perks' and I have accepted it.

not pretty enuf? who cares!

So girls, don't let others get you down. If you just turned 21, trust me, you will deal with adult problems whether you like it or not. Just hope and pray that things will get better and they will. You will also learn to know who are your true friends and that your 2000 over facebook friends that you have are just not them.

Next year, I will turn 30 and a whole new chapter will begin and if I ever look back at a time when I was in my twenties, I think I will laugh and cry like crazy.

Long Weekend, A Little Rambling & My Lack of Gratitude

The day I discover IG filters It's almost mid week to August..argh. I am in the midst of a long weekend, which sadly will come to ...