Monday, July 31, 2006

Total Control

Hear ye! Hear ye!

So once again, we are going into the new month and being financially a bit more secured this month, I am pretty much ok..just like everyday, trying to live. did you notice anything new to my layout...woohoo! new one! featuring jason mraz! woohoo! I didn't quite struggle doing this layout havin' gone through hell the other time..heh...and kinda used pretty much the same code with tweaks here and there. Im a GeeK..I can't help it! By the way, I also made use of new softwares 'freshly' installed into my laptop: Dreamweaver which I bothered to actually go to the library and read up on it like how I wrote a blog on it regarding my 'absence' on the net. K, so it was just a petty excuse. So my friend was pretty much right that dreamweaver is a bit more flexible than microsoft frontpage which I have sworn to always use compared to this beav..i mean..weaver thing. And oh, I didn't quite struggle with the graphic design thingey I did with jason mraz pictures even though I forgot some of the basic rules and could only come up with this simple one. But good enough..considering I did it throughout from 1 am to 5 am in the morning..seriously, no joke! I had not even touched the rest of the layout about enthusiasm till I was sleep deprived!

So wat else has been happening in my life? Well...not that much actually although I have been pretty tired last week which I could not put my finger on. Maybe it was the weather...too much wait..I do the last one all the time....but I can't entirely blame it on my gym sessions. Talk about gym, so now my body has reached a plateau..meaning, it is at its resting point now so I have to wait till next month before it starts losing weight as per normal again. what is so 'normal' about losing weight every month? stems from my determination to lose a few kgs every month but not more than 5kg coz it will deprive me of my nutrients and that's not good for my health. Losing weight is one thing...losing nutrients is another. Don't confuse them...or ur body will be confused and the consequences aren't that good. To be honest with you, maybe it is because I have reached my target this year of losing 10kg that now, my apetite, as if on cue, is slowly regaining back which isn't quite a good thing for me. But I know at certain periods of time, no matter how trained you are in controlling ur appetite, there are days when you just feel like binge-ing and that's when you have to be further in control or you'll simply lose the battle and can be back at square one. It is not wrong to suddenly find yourself craving for food even though you had just eaten something half an hour ago or even less than that. So okay, can go ahead and eat but the next one or two days, mz seriously watch the food intake to 'counter effect' the huge appetite.

Even though it may take a long while before I am back at my original weight, I am not taking any chances. So I still get the occasional swipes like whenever I comment that I can't wear certain clothes anymore coz they are pretty big but I have never intended to 'show off'. Infact, I'd rather keep it to myself but sometimes, I think it is quite a pity if I jz leave the clothes in the wardrobe like that when other people may be able to use it. Like my colleague whom I offered to give her my pants coz it is rather big for me already. But, I understand what she meant when she took it as if I am implying she's bigger than me so the pants is more for her. Of course, I don't intend it that way lah as per usual. Jz like how people would suddenly comment that I am 'slim' or 'thin' with their hand gestures as if depicting how I had shrunk, my first thought will be 'So are you trying to say I was fat the last time?' but I would be slapped I guess if I had shrieked those words to as if I didn't deserve the compliments. I learnt from a previous training that I should be gracious and thank them but jz now, I couldn't help but to 'deny' when the coffee shop lady did the hand gesture of me 'shrinking' and saying 'u thin now ah' remarking back 'no lah!' of which she quickly insisted..'yes...thin!' Haha...what the hell...and to think I have always kept a low profile and never went beyond 'teh 2 packets' or 'roti 6..' imagine my shock when she mentioned the word 'thin' to me. Oh well, I wanted to thank her after that but she was distracted already as the customers were starting to order.

So, what else is new in my life. I have a new boyfriend! Wait..that didn't happen. Oh! I was actually on leave today..wahoo!! I thought that since today is a good day to start the month of August though technically, it is only so on Tuesday but why waste a good day? July 31st happens to fall on a Monday, which incidentally, is also a start of brand new week. I want to keep things in control coz after a mad frenzy of way late nights and way early nights for me. If this is my biological clock, I think I would be labelled as an android going through erratic technical difficulties in terms of timing. I have completely lost track of time and I have also lost track of my life of which i was totally clueless on where to start and everything that I did, was basically either done half way or I didn't know what the hell I was doing. One moment, I would be cutting articles of Digital Life and organizing the articles and halfway through, I would be forget about it and then turned my attention to something else. After awhile, I did a bit of this and that and I wasn't being systematic at all and my unpredictable sleeping times would also get in the way of wanting to do what I had planned in my head when I reach home from work.

Have I even begun about the condition of my room? Totally. Messy. So Okay, midweek, I kinda got a grip about its condition and did some cleaning up but as soon as I came back, everything would be topsy turvy and today, I was determined to clean up the mess. I did it on medium speed as I was not about to get easily distracted and the cleaning up would be halfway done as I postpone to the next day and subsequently, the next day...and the next day...u get the picture. So okay, I decided to do the cleaning in stages. Okay, general cleaning up will be almost everyday but the bigger chore is to organize and basically, throw out those things that are pretty pointless to me but dunno why, I still keep them. So far, it has worked. I just keep the mentality that okay, reality check, I can't have a totally cleaned out room like jz have to face the fact, I can't be throwing out almost everything I can find that not often beng used. Otherwise, it will be one of those moments when jz as you need the thing, you find that it is no longer in 'existence' coz guess what? I have fed it to the rubbish bin. As long as it is organized and not just let it pile up and up and up till beating the flying height limit of Superman, then good enough. Know why? If Im way too particular on how I want to go about cleaning out the junks, I realise that I usually don't get the job done a hundred percent. I'll end up with a bigger state of say, unorganized drawer or cupboard as half the time, I don't know where else can they go to make room in the cupboard. It's either sacricifice this space or that in the end, the room is still unorganized as those things that no longer have a room or waiting to be shifted..well..somewhere....will be the cause of the extra messiness on top of the current one..haiz..

When I stop taxing myself to clear the mess once and for all, and do it in stages, my room is actually cleaner, believe it or not. So what if I have not cleared out the drawer where I usually put the documents in for bill payments later on on payday or my dad's docs like his receipts and appt cards. Today, I decide to continue clear the longer drawer where I keep some stationeries..and the word 'some' simply describing the top of the iceberg. But it is OKAY. The drawer looks much better as I have invested a plastic box tat will help to divide my things up instead of just throwing everything into the blue basket that can get easily messy. Oh, and I have also decided not to put things on the 'To the rubbish bin outside!' list to stay in my room for a period of time that lasts in my room for..hee...weeks. When it has to go, it HAS to go. No more pending...or it will start accumulating that my room can be easily mistaken as a rubbish collection centre. So they don't contain rotten food leftovers but papers, boxes or any other stuffs can be an eyesore when they're pretty big in size and jutting out of the almost crumpled up plastic bags. And to think I can tolerate them or even forgot that I have placed them in some corner in my already small room to be thrown away the next morning..what happened to you RAHAYU?!!!! hahaha...told you, I lost 'control' of my life for the last two weeks infact. Sad..sad..sad...that's not the way to treat my life..*smacks my forehead*

I think the theme Life is Wonderful as sung by Jason Mraz is the perfect theme for my blog. I have already embraced today as a new beginning and it shows (judging on how clean my bedroom floor is after a good vacuum session..keke...). I am also beginning to have more control over my diet and also finance wise, hrm...I have started to keep track of family expenses by keeping the receipts and tried to not buy unnecessary things. Okay, on a personal level, it is good coz I have not bought a single thing yet today that screams...'Buy me even if you don't need me!' but regarding my dad's medical expenses for his second monthly visit, that can't be helped lah although the tax department's refund for his last income tax did help a bit. It isn't much but still quite good enough to at least cover most part of it. Actually right, I have this aim to make at least 100 dollars every month or before my dad's next medical appointment because it can help to pay for the consultation and medicine. Okay, maybe I have mentioned this before in my previous post. Right now, on my thoughts, is to sell some things of mine like clothes to make the extra bucks and some accessories maybe? I guess aiming for a hundred is quite achievable but hey, if it depends on luck too, then it may or may not be reached. Still, it's worth a try rather than wishing for the money to fall on my lap although im keeping my lap opens just in case yah? *grins*

I know we can't be totally in control of our life but as much as we still got it, dont lose track of it. I made a mistake by being a slob plus slacker the last two weeks even not writing my blog coz it seems like a chore too. Let's be a BITCH galz!...Babe in Total Control of Herself!!!

Oh oh!!!! Before anything else, I have two announcements to make:

CSI:MIAMI is back for the fourth season on the!!! Yay! David!!! Love you David! Oh, and the rest of the crew too..keke...


MUSE..the fantastico UK band is back!! Brand new album...and brand new uber cool single...Super Massive Blackhole!! The album is called Black Holes and Revelations. I fell in love with their unique sounds of stylistic rock that spells MUSE and not by any other commercial bands out there. You can check out their other singles from other albums like the very hypnotic Time is Running Out and rock worthy Hysteria. The reviews are in about this new album which says that those used to Muse's brand of music may be in for a 'shock' as the band tried to experiment with different sounds while still retaining their uniqueness. It may or may not spell good news for their current fans but so far, the reviews have been positive too. I mean judging on their quick climb to the top of the UK album chart, I guess if you die die need to break your piggy bank and get one good album, I'd say Muse 'Black Holes and Revelations'.

Right..can't wait for Wednesday coz I..rahayupopz..aka...Little Miss Geek...will be watching the show I have been anticipating my whole life ( maybe more than a year)...CSi:Miami!!!! And my next pay, I am investing in Muse new album..*rubs palms gleefully*..gotta go plan my day for tomorrow..!

Sunday, July 23, 2006

Me alone?

I like to just be by myself cruising along the aisles of the supermarkets or exploring among the racks of clothes in a department store while sipping on my favourite mcdonald's chocolate milkshake. Even though I have to run errands for my family everyday, and that it may feel like a burden at times, actually I do enjoy those quiet moments but as I look around, I do notice that it is very rare to find someone like me who is very much alone. I definitely don't categorise 'alone' as being lonely and single although..yah, I am single but im not gonna holler to the rest of the world about this singlehood of mine.

Maybe it wouldn't kill to have a companionship once in awhile like a good friend or even your girlfriend or boyfriend. You'd be sharing gossips, laughter, food and uhm..whatever you can think of coz's your life. I am not about to start a debate on whether one is happier being single or being in a relationship. Oh, and I am also not going to promote on how cool being single can be as you are not attached without having anyone to call you to check on your whereabouts..(trust me, my mum is doing a 'fine' job with that already)..and that you can practically just check out any guys out there without feeling guilty about it. Damn, I just sounded like I did. Okay, my point is...Im not one of those who would lay her hands on any books that scream 'for singles only!' to sort of console themselves, that hey..being single is not so bad after all. And then when the right man or girl come along, they forget about whatever the books have said as they gloat over their new found love. I don't know how I am going to be like, to be honest with you, if let's say...i *Barf* have a...*barf..* boy...friend.

Haha..why those scary vomitting sounds? I can never ever ever ever imagine myself being so attached to a guy because let's face it, as much as we would like to see ourselves as friends intially, there will always be limitations compared to how you behave towards your gal pals. Then over time, a friendly gesture may mean something else to him or me as signs of interests. See, scary isn't it? Especially for me who is so freakin' ill prepared to be in a relationship. Yah, I know as if other people actually go and do a research about the do's and don'ts in a relationship..haha..but hey, you will never know. But I have read countless of articles in my teens all about relationships and at that time, my radar was so high up that I see every guy who may fit the bill as a potential boyfriend. I even had a target age to have one which is 18 and I would imagine myself going to this place or that place for dates and then making up words of endearment like..'boy'...'darlz' case i don't feel like calling him by his name. Ah...what desperado.

But as I grew older with a list of disappointments trailing behind me that didn't involve being in a relationship at all, I realise that being relationships are not all that. I would however agree that you don't expect to be yourself that you used to be back when you were still a swinging single. I know maybe some of you may say that it's not have remained the same..yada yada...but seriously, wouldn't you actually try to dress up a little better or put on your best behaviour when with the significant other? like okay, over time perhaps you may kinda slack a bit and then put on a devil may care attitude because he doesn't seem to be so OTT about how you've changed from a sexy to sloppy. But then when the next gorgeous chick comes along, we feel threatened and then we find ourselves trying to do what we can to protect our 'rights' by straightening ourselves up from being just a slack. Right...these sounds like assumptions as if I have been in a relationship before and went through that kind of behaviour. However, I draw my conclusions from the various real life examples in the magazines where the readers will write in about their relationship woes and how they are driven up the wall thinking about the uhm..unthinkables. The most common relationship destroyer will be the third party. But you know what? It takes two hands to clap right? However, that's what relationships are all about. It takes two people to make it work and of course, he is a jerk if he chooses to be with that hot babe who is constantly whining to get his attention. To a normal human being, that can be super annoying but he finds it super sexy. Hey, he's a jerk right in the first place?

My life is already complicated enough and stifling enough for me to seriously consider his 'value' in the relationship to either let him go or let him stay and do my manicures for the next six months. My heart goes out to the girl or even guy if the other partner decides to stray. But seriously speaking also, not trying to be a psychologist here, do you think there is some reason as to why he chooses to stray. Maybe he's bored that he is not given enough attention by the girlfriend. Or maybe he is just sick and tired of being at your beck and call like for example, making use of his money or make him carry all your shopping bags like you are paying him to be your butler that he just wants out. I think it's just purely human nature that we tend to overlook the causes and jump easily to conclusion while putting the blame on the other party. Like maybe for the guys, perhaps they are too controlling over their girlfriends but it is alright to hang out with his guy pals but not his girlfriend with her own friends. It ain't fair but hey, there are guys who think that they have the right to have a say in the girls' life because after all, eventually if they ever get married, he will be the head in the family. Know what girls? You're better off with another guy.

For me, hrm...maybe relationships can do wonders for me that I may actually strive to be a better person than I really was before. I don't know if this is due to feelings of insecurity or that I finally have a purpose in life than rather than as a single. I don't know for sure how it is going to turn out. But seriously speaking, it will be quite an amusement to compare to the times when I used to imagine how it is like being in a relationship to being in one in real life. Even though, I am not actively looking around to sniff out the potentials or just bumming around in places with a high ratio of guys (who are cute to boot as well..), I wouldn't beat myself up if I still remain 'boyfriend-less' when I end my 24th year in my life.

I dont think I am one who think guys are such useless bums that I am better off without them either. I..just love snooping around and check out those guys who make my richter scale approach a scale of more than 5. I can be so weak when I see guys all dressed up in their workshirts and please..dont get me started with those guys with gorgeous biceps. But I am not in a hurry to go on a date with them as I still think I am not ready to be in a relationship. Maybe because I am scared..I don't know. Or that I simply have no interest at all and that I am taking each day of my life slowly and judging from how I go about running my life, I guess there really is no space for a relationship to blossom.

I don't deny either that I do wish I DON'T have a boyfriend and I would hang my head down low when I am outside or pretend I don't see them if I caught them looking at me. Okay so maybe they are not looking at me but are just randomly looking around in boredom but Im not about to take the chances. I seriously dont wish for anyone to come up to me and say hi and that they want to get to know me..blah de blah...because I have not developed an interest in wanting to have a boyfriend. Okay, I sound like either I am joking or I think that I am not pretty enough or slim enough or even confident enough of myself that Im denying myself of a potential love interest. Look, maybe now is not a good time although I am approaching my mid twenties soon and guys around my age are not just looking for a girlfriend but also a life partner. Please stop saying that I shouldn't look down on myself because I don't. You can say that to me in previous times when I keep thinking Im too fat or too ugly that guys wouldn't look my way. Even though I still think Im fat and im not that pretty, maybe not as extreme as the last time that I completely rule out on love. I keep my options open if let's say 'die die' I have to put myself in a relationship because it wouldn't be fair to the guy who has went to the bottom of the ocean to get that necklace for me ALA titanic..haha..

Honestly, breaking up wouldn't be such a bad option or maybe put a timeline down like say..okay i will date the guy but only in six months after which we'll go our separate ways. Silly, isn't it? Tsk, I just haven't found 'it' in me to be thinking about marriage. I know that hey..doesn't mean that any guy im dating, I will end up marrying him. Dating is just a way to get to know the 'boyfriend' better and then judge for myself if he is worthy as a life partner. See...we're talking about marriage here also! Im not all for married life but what's the point in carrying on with a relationship if I dont want to be married to him because of my fear of marriage commitments. Just like in life, we go through stages and so does a love relationship and you don't remain at the bottom level. It is a rarity to have a couple to be together for a very long time and they don't get married even though they remain as partners for life. To them, marriage is just a certificate but their relationship is more than that. True but how long can they remain that way given the social pressures to finally hold a wedding and be a Mr and Mrs in the end?

Okay, so if Im writing about my crushes in my previous entries especially the unforgettable guy at Singpost, you can tell that Im just human in need of some lurrrvvvinng. If there is such a guy of whom I wouldn't think twice into jumping into a relationship is guys like him not because he has the sexiest lips around..hahahaahaha..but he went past my shortcomings. Even though back then I had not actively lost any weight, was frumpy looking coz I had limited wardrobe pieces, seldom smile and even talked to him compared to my colleague, he took a stab at a chance to get to know me. I didn't know what made him pick me out among the bevy of beauties who are pretty enough and slim enough for a guy like him..especially a guy who was immaculately dressed up with his raven gelled hair stubbles or sight. Okay, im drooling.

As cheesy as it sounds, I think he is a bit like me. Someone who can see beyond a person's appearance and be charmed by some other qualities of the other person that not many people can see or judge for themselves. Just like a geek in the pink where the easiest assumption to make is that he is too geeky to be romantic. So you can't blame it on me either for being fearful when it comes to love because there is a dying breed of guys who are like me.

Actually, I wanted to write about how I cared less about being in a relationship which explains why I don't worry if people around me especially in my age group who have a significant other. But just like in my other entries, sometimes in writing, I made some self discoveries. That maybe...just maybe....I wouldn't mind being involved in a relationship even though it may take a long long time to get used to that fact. I just don't want to get hitched too early and if the guy can be understanding enough to understand that, then hey....maybe having a boyfriend like him isn't such a bad idea. Oh, and also we are at a level where we can accept each other as who we are and what we are on the outside and the inside (characteristics I mean..not..what lingerie I wear or my boob size)..I don't rule him out either. And err..even if he is much taller than me since I like shorter guys better..hee...or his biceps are not as defined as JB Benn of Mondo's sad lah coz I wouldnt get to..okay too much information. I don't even mind if he has coloured his hair red or has blond highlights unlike my unruly solid black hair and he is more stylish than me..of which the last one can be a no-no to most girls.

Oh well, like they can only plan but you can't actually predict what is going to happen later on in your life. Even if the tarot cards of my colleague read that I would have a boyfriend from another race by December 2006, I can't believe in that coz after all, predictions can be wrong. What is going to happen in the future is anyone's guess and who is going to be my first boyfriend? I have no idea but to whoever that guy is going to be, good luck. You're going to need it coz I feel so sorry for you..hahahahaha!!!

Friday, July 21, 2006

Im Gorgeous! that was some wake up call! me? gorgeous?!! awww...get out of here!!! no i didnt come back...come back!!!!

i know ive heard like so many times how different i looked recently that even the people considered rather 'hard core' or die die doesn't see any difference (which i dont bear a grudge against seriously..) then suddenly heaps praises on me on how i managed to lose so much weight. I cant even remember how i looked like in the past coz im so used to being just the way I am and i dont walk around with a mirror infront of myself to see any significant physical differences. And that kinda makes people think that im being too humble like denying that ive lost weight or when i comment that i kinda need to buy a new clothing item..they'd be like..yah, of coz you need one...which I have no idea if it was meant to be a sarcastic remark or what. whatever.

but what gave me a shock was my ex supervisor of whom when I was under his supervision, he seemed to notice the little details. Even my own good friend or colleagues at work wouldnt even notice even when walking and working side by side with them that day! It was a mere glance and he said, eh nice earrings! Someone FINALLY NOTICED! And it's undeniably light blue colours against my tanned brown face! CAN'T GO WRONG! So when he came into our office months after he was transferred to another department, he saw me and he gave me this shocked look saying 'What happen to you?!!!' Im like..i jz shredding some papers with my eyes like looking at my top and trying to pick up any microscopic stains or something. This is unbelievable. He is the only guy I know that is so freakin' kepo or busybody in trying to get into the freakin' details..including the nitty gritty bits like where i get the health information much of intake is good....what kind of exercises....*yawns..*...i dont remember anyone paying me to be a diet consultant. However, one thing he did remember was how i would ask permission from him to claim the half an hour of office time per week to do some workout at the gym. Well, at least I don't misuse the time given. But he was still trying to get every single detail from me that two things finally saved me from his clutches in two separate days (wat luck i was assigned to be in office 2 freakin' whole days!) such as a) the phone ringing on the table which i seldom ever picked up... and b) toilet break. Sure people just want to know how I did it but not until like gawd.....trying to seriously dig into every bit of it. But anyway, it's so cool to have a guy to notice it (however lame it sounds that the guy has to be my ex supervisor instead..). Why can't it be that cute IT guy? Wait..he doesn't exist.

Okay! Let's see here. Actually, I don't really have much to say although I've been dying to blog about. Know what..I can get rather emotional when I watch certain shows that just wanna make you *sniff* cry buckets of water. I remembered they used to show 'Touched by an Angel'. Every episode, I definitely...most definitely...cry. So far, there was only one episode which I managed to keep my eyes dry coz the storyline was rather lame..there wasn't a single bit of emotional moment except when for me when I thought I wasted my one hour sitting down watching this episode.

Just last week, the same thing happened and this time, it was a different show but basically, I almost wanted to cry my heart out..again for that day. Why again? I was so stressed when I couldnt find my dad anywhere under our flat and the flats around our neighbourhood, when he finally called to say that he was fetched by my cousin to his flat, I just started to be so emotionally wrecked up that I guessed my dad kinda figured out that I was very upset by my frequent long pauses in between when I was trying to stay in control of eyes.

I know my mum always teased me about how im his daughter and all while she and my brother will continue to take care of each other if one day, we decide to live separately. Well...watever....he is my father, and some more, he is rather sickly and doesn't have a very good clear vision although it has been stabilised by the two operations.

Sometimes, I wonder if beside paying the bills for the house and buying all the food, I don't know if I am doing something good for the family or simply being taken advantage of. Last time I used to be so freakin' mad that I would answer in seriously monotonour tone or simply snap back. But I kinda chill out after that even though the routine to buy stuffs for the family is like a fixed and permanent everyday routine to me...haha..But I guessed the main reason could be of my colleague who is more senior than me who reminded me to do the deeds for my mum without bearing a grudge against her. I'll take it that whether or not I want to, I have to do it coz after all she's my mum. And the good deeds that we show towards her, will in return be towards my advantage like getting extra 'points' when you go to heaven.

Actually, i'm running low on energy these past few days which explain my absence on the net for awhile. Im seriously trying to open my eyes wide while typing. I guess I need to slow down a bit in life coz im often in a rush...rush to shower...rush to go to work...rush to buy the daily goods...rush back home...and this constant rushing has somehow put me in a rather bad shape. haiz I wish i could have just a day doing my own things outside....simply sitting down and eating my chocolate muffin with hot cocoa at starbucks while watching the world go by. Oh, and switching my phone off in case my mum calls and find out I took a day off from work without telling her.

I seriously have to go to bed and get my sleepy eyes to finally close for the next few hours. Oh, and sleeping in the wee hours like this kinda make tired too I guess..hehe..Right...hopefully, i'll have more energy for my next entry.

Sunday, July 16, 2006

Blame who?

So I was reading this book about Terri Hatcher which my friend just lent it to me surprisingly coz I didn't remember if I asked for it..hehe. But heck, she told me that it is a good autobiography book which kinda make me frown a slight bit coz Im not really into such books..or books for that matter unless you count the dreamweaver guide book. However, after flipping several more pages, I come to realise that it's not a bad read. She's just as human like you and me..minus the fats, calories-intake and the million dollars plus plus..I actually found it inspiring. You see, I've always thought that people with a long list of achievements or with those 'from rags to riches' life stories are worthy enough to pen a book for themselves. me? my greatest achievements so far will be hrm...*thinking for the longest time*..passing the A level miraculously judging from my extremely poor school records...getting out of depression...and oh, losing 20kg very recently. but come to think of it, is life all about that? pushing yourself over the limit and seeing how much you can achieve? for me, in my most logical sense, i think life is what you make of it. doesnt matter if you eventually cross the finishing line or finally overcoming your fear of snakes (oh, did i mention i have this terrible fear of snakes and lizards?!). For me, what counts is the process of getting there irregardless of whether i decide to make snakes as second in 'My Favourite Animals' list. Hard work, careful analysis, failures, sucesses...lessons learnt and so on...they're the very core of our life.

Strange isn't it? How at one point of time, how some people just can't understand how some girls can be so stubborn for not leaving their boyfriends for physically or emotionally abusing them. I mean, true, it is downright obvious that they are treated like fools. But have we ever thought to think and hear what has she got to say? Maybe she may not say the right things since her mind is in a state of confusion too coz one hand, she feels like she doesn't deserve to be treated this way. On the other hand, she is still hopeful that one day, her boyfriend will change for good and be back to the man who used to be so loving and affectionate towards her. Oh, but if she is still persistent in keeping the relationship coz he's a very rich guy and the only one who can support her countless shopping sprees, that one you oughtta slap. For the kind of girl ( I meant in the first situation not the bimbo) who is sittin on the fence between self destruction and self renewal, it is wrong to judge her. Just like ourselves, we can get as much help and advice from other people who may or may not understand our situations, ultimately, we have to figure it out on our own. It ain't easy but it is definitely possible.

However, the thing that I cannot stand about some people is how quick they are when it comes to judging others. Actually, I myself am guilty of this at times. Sometimes, I wish i can just shut up and keep matters about other people to myself. You'll never know if words come around and then pinpoint back to you like you're the one responsible for spreading the news around. When I hear from other people some stories concerning themselves or others, tat sounds news-worthy and err...very nice to tell all to others...I feel guilty about it like Im not being fair to the person of whom I talked about. I mean, if people want to tell me things that are not very nice about the other person whether or not they have gone through it personally themselves, I think that I must be fair to them. For example, person A may tell me about an experience they went through with person B and I would of course, defend her saying that yeah, she shouldnt have done that to you. It doesn't seem nice. But then when I hear the other side of the story coming from B who actually told C, and then when C told me the aftermath of it all, like what happened outside the room, I gasped. Suddenly, im like caught in between and then come to think of it, they are both right and wrong. A and B that is. C? Well, can say that she's someone like me. Didn't get involved in the situation but merely hearing from the people who went through it. And err..wanting to tell someone about it coz it doesnt seem right keeping it to ourselves. I'll explain further on this.

I don't know whether is it true or not, but if you ask for my opinions, I normally prefer to not take sides. Coz admit it, nobody likes to show their vulnerability and boast about all the wrong things that they did. Most will play the blame game..blaming the other party while concealing the true facts of what actually happened. Okay, for once, B is wrong for not dealing the situation in the most tactful way. Something goes wrong and then quickly run to 'mummy' without dealing it face to face which only places B as someone who is incapable of handling even a minor situation herself. A? She should have known better that what she did was a clearly risky act and she could not forever hide behind a fake wall of superiority.

It's a no brainer know you're taking the risks and then you should jolly well face the aftermath of it in the event that you're brought to question. If people keep thinking that they are right, everything wrong that they are doing, they'll keep on denying that they are partly or fully blamed for whatever things that happen. Scary isn't it? It's like a disease. Sighz..talking about disease, I definitely want to change for the better. That actually taught me to not take things that people say for granted and make sweeping assumptions. But it doesnt mean I cant pretend I am all for that person..hehe..especially if he or she is merely trying to gather sympathy points from me. Heck, I'll give them for free but inside I'd probably go, heh..serve you right.

But anyway, I wouldnt say that not sharing 'info' to other people is an entirely bad things. Take me for an example. If I have not heard about what someone says about me behind my back which is clearly hurting and not nice of her to share info about me that not even I tell to others, I would probably be thinking what a nice gawd damn soul she has. Oh, how about the other time when one of my colleagues actually places the blame me (man, she's so good at this) coz she doesnt want to show that she hasn't been doing the work. Some people are just assholes. They think that people should worship the ground that they walk on. Know what? I'd rather spit on it. Hell, two can play that game. No, Im not going to be all dirty about it to get back at them. I believe the truth has a funny way of showing itself up. You can try to avoid it but it will always come back to haunt them.

So in that, I wasn't referring to myself to come up with scheming ways to show that I am not the kind of person to mess around with. Other people may choose to do that but for me, I'll just keep on showing doing what I do most...and what she clearly doesn't. It all brings down to letting people's eyes see and then judge for themselves. They may think nothing of it and who cares. I'm not putting up a drama here. Like I said, if it's the truth, you'll somehow see it Okay, at least that's what the csi:miami tries to convince me.

But anyway, what else does rahayu learn from here? Actually, I haven't got myself in such sticky situations where people are quoting my name when asked where they hear this story or that story from. Look, if you're not involved, better to stay away from it. The thing is, if you can hear that person talking about the other party, chances are....they can tell others what you tell them..and eventually, misunderstandings pop by for a visit and you're wondering why people stop talking to you or start giving you dirty looks.

I guess most of us are vulnerable. We're not just vulnerable on the outside from harmful elements but from the inside where we know that it is wrong but we still choose to continue with it. Like I said before too, if you're not prepared to deal with the aftermath, then don't take the risk. Definitely not worth it. So from now on, I want to keep the information to myself even if they didn't make me take the oath of secrecy. Life's too short but nevertheless, the bottomline is, we're still human beings prone to being an idiot at times. That means celebrities too like Terri Hatcher. Sometimes our actions speak of our lack of self confidence about ourselves.

When we deal with an abusive boyfriend, if we're not confident of ourselves to just leave the bastard and get on with our life, then we're never gonna get out of it. We just keep on putting ourselves in danger because we have this mentality that we are deserving of such actions imposed on ourselves. Just think. A girl who is obviously smart, has a successful career and a good role model to an impressionable young girl, when it comes to dealing with a boyfriend who has a 'light' hand on her, she loses it. There's no way she doesn't know that such actions are wrong. But if her self confidence is pinned on him that without him, she thinks that she is gonna be a wreck, then she may never get out.

Confidence takes time..definitely. But it shouldn't be based on someone else to keep you moving. He or she may give you the jumpstart but we shouldn't keep holding on that very source of inspiration especially when it begins to show the true colours. When I read about a recent article about how a girl who used to lack self confidence coz of her size and how she stands out like a sore thumb among her friends gain her confidence through a guy who keeps heaping praises on her. Hey, I am not saying that we should refuse praises from now on especially when it comes to the opposite sex. But that's about it. Say thank you to show your gratefulness towards him like how he changes your perception of yourselves and start being more confident. However, don't rely on it as a safety trap. Even harnesses can break despite promises that they are very strong and accident-free. It may not happen so soon but if let's say things take a bad turn, even in a friendship with a girl pal or a guy, we can only rely on helping ourselves. So basically for me, im rather glad that I am not relying on anybody to boast my self confidence. I don't care if I take an eternity to finally strut out in great confidence because one thing, my confidence is not based on false hopes or false notions that this person will forever be there for me when I need him or her. I know that I am not THAT confident as yet when it comes to my size like I am still stuck in the 'im so fat' mode despite seeing glaringly obvious results from the weight loss. Oh, and also how unconfident I am when it comes to thinking about what is so physically likeable about me when I caught guys stealing glances at me.

Funny how I never thought about that last time when I was a whole lot bigger and almost reached the weight of a baby hippo. All I can remember at that time is how I wish I was slimmer or at this so and so kg of weight. Now when I am almost at the weight of back then in secondary school which I thought was near impossible to achieve ever again, I am still thinking about how I wish I was

It's almost like a vicious cycle where I will never reach the stage where I am finally comfortable with myself and finally have the self confidence the size of that same baby hippo. Funny also that when I recalled, I wasn't as much obssessive as I was before when it comes to my physical outlook. It's like 'Argh..who gives a damn'..but now, I DO give a damn which is driving me nuts coz Im supposed to be showing more confidence now than more than a year ago!! Aaah!!!! Blame it on not having a full length mirror in my room where I get to see the real me..not the cut-off me or my reflection in the mirror when on the treadmill beside my work colleagues who have slimmer thighs and legs than me. You see..I blame my lack of confidence on the lack of full mirror in my room.'s tricky isn't it? It's ALWAYS about the other's ALWAYS about the traffic jam that made us is never about us isn't it? So I need to start helping myself to straighten my facts out? yes..most definitely. No more comparing.....except with Beyonce Knowles where I aim to achieve her curvy body..heh..

Tuesday, July 11, 2006

Pressure (Italy won!)

So the world cup for 2006 has just ended with Italy winning over France..and if you're wondering which side im on, definitely Italy, based on a last minute decision. France? So over-rated. Zidane? Much much much..over-rated, although he has my symphaties when he ended his professionalism as one of the world's greatest soccer players...with a red card *sniggers...* Heh..what can I say? I was rooting for Italy!

Okay, im not a BIG soccer fan..I cant even tell..okay, shall not embarass myself here. But I know I probably got the lamest reason why I was rooting for Italy. Coz after watching CSI:Miami, where David Caruso is half Italian by the way...I thought hey, why not give the Italy some credit (and David as well..hehe) and support them! I mean, think of it this way...sometimes, people screw up especially if they have been under tremendous pressure to win if they are the star players. But how much can one take? We're all humans after all...seriously, once we reach to almost the pinnacle of the mountain, if we finally reach it, it'd be such a great achievement. But what if when we're almost there, our mind has been so clouded to reach it coz so many people are counting on us to do that, that we lose focus of our strategies..and also our minds get muddled up over what will happen if we don't make it. That's the end of it, we come tumbling down the mountains and falling on our heads hard (ass..if we're lucky). Forget about how we got there in the first place through sheer hard work and perseverence. It doesnt matter anymore. What matters is that if we don't reach, we don't reach.

Sometimes, it pays to be 'normal' and not some kind of celebrity in any kinds of field. Jz as we sighz and sighz whenever we think about being in the limelight...getting fans to chase us (or haunt us..depending on how 'stable' they are)..and shoving autograph books in our face..or even cameras to get close up shots of us. Then, the more attention grabbing things that we do that hightlight our success and achievements, the higher the pressure. Actually right...You don't have to be a celebrity. Take me for an example. When I got the opportunity to study for A level, though not in a good parents are still happy for me that they equate me to being smart (seriously, i beg to differ in this area). So, okay..I soared through the first year...especially when under the marking scheme, 45 is still considered a pass..heh..

But second year onwards, after the so called breezy period is over, I start to get bitten hard by true college life. Then with my parents immense pressure on me to do well to prove to my relatives that im not as dumb as they think I am...(now that...I do agree). I mean, my parents are not the kind of parents who will read ur credentials like the teleprompter. But nevertheless, they're proud of me in a quiet sort of way. Then since I thought first year was rather easy peasy, imagine how I coped the second year which I totally slacked and couldnt get along with practically anybody in school except for one or two. My ex secondary mates become my true companions as I became sick and tired of schooling why must i still go to school even when Im already 18 where I can work and earn money instead. Furthermore, my parents have been encouraging me non stop to just study study study...although I didnt have a clue as to what the heck i was studying as most times, I skipped school to escape. On some days,I practically walked out of school.

It didn't help that the school and its cohort of teachers would keep feeding us on the consequences of not obtaining a certain level of passing mark. At the same time, they'd be asking us to do the impossible by mounting so much homework on us on top of the research to be done to get an in depth knowledge on say..for example...on why the heck people go nuts during the sales period. 50% discount is probably not a good enough reason.

So subsequently, I just 'lost' it especially when I didn't have anyone to turn to and to tell them what problems I was having. Finally, I did the unthinkable: forgoing studying even during the last critical examinations to determine if we go on the the next level or not. So, not surprisingly, I didn't....and who have I got to blame? Myself. I don't blame others for heaping pressure on me..but I think it's a rather common reaction which is to blame oneself as we think we're simply not good enough. Maybe some time later, we can accept our downfall and work it out from there. Jz like how I got hold of myself the next year and even got myself a bursary award of 300 dollars at the end of the year..the last one being in secondary school when I was in my second year. If I can't accept, I'd probably may not be even writing this post at all as I would think I don't deserve to live. Luckily, Im scared at the sight of blood.

Call them lucky or unlucky... when they garner most people's attention to perform their excellent best. But is it best to blame others when the going gets tough, you just get tough on the people who pushed u up the going? I've not quite reached that position as yet to totally give the answer for it but I would say, for some others who believe in an alternate universe for instance, may think that it's just a twist of fate.

However, I do know that pressure can ultimately make one do things that are beyond people's comprehension..and even theirs for that matter. It's simply a matter of letting it go...whether doing it correctly or not...we may not be able to know until we stop and then realise what a jerk we are. Like Zidane 'butt' that poor Italian guy (hey! that's my team!..) even though it'd be the dumbest thing to do especially if it is the match that determines it all: you get the damn trophy or the damnation of ur nation's people. We don't know what goes on behind his mind...especially if he is considered as probably the one and only chance of scoring it the world's most popular sport. Back home, in the last Olympics, how can we forget Li Jia Wen of whom the media had been counting on her greatly and emphasising how 'close' we are in getting the second medal from the Olympics (for goodness sake, the last medal winner from Singapore is a man in his fifties already!) yonks years. When she was defeated by a table tennis player who is ranked much lower than her in terms of the world's best tennis players..she started blaming the media for making her lose out big time. Probably embarassed as well as she is considered to be much more skillful than her opponent.

Then like how Brazil lost out too..which may make people swear off supporting them in the next world cup (hehe..)...that even before the semi finals, it was already all over the news where the general public and also the experts predicted that they will hold on to their victory and win the cup again. They didnt care if Ronaldo wasn't in his best of health of which even he wanted to slow it down a little but nOoOoOoooo....the coach was promoting him infront of hoardes of media reporters that he will continue to play with the team head on and scoring goals all the way. Then of course, die die he had to persevere and then continue to perform his best coz he didn't want to be a let down to millions of supporters who were rooting for Brazil. So what happened in the end? Brazil didn't even make it to the final two.

I mean please...can't be a team of 11 plus plus are countin on one single 'star' player only? What the hell are the rest for? Fill up the soccer field? I think it's the lousiest strategies la. Even that happens for France when Zidane was showed the benches which left ten players out there. And struggle they they just lost their pillar of strength. I mean...when they were planning on the strategies, the coach probably went like...'Okay..u cut through this x player from the left and then pass the ball to Zidane..' or 'When you are reaching the goal post, look out for Zidane to ur right for him to shoot the goal..' Then during their last few soccer practices, it would probably be Zidane who was asked to practise his penalty kicks while others were taking a break having a sip of energy drinks or getting drunk or something.

I mean it's a fact of life even in our normal lives where we don't take rides in long limousines and have ex boyfriends whose looks and financial status get better with each of our plastic surgery enhancement. I don't know who may hurt more...but it sure stings when our face of sorrow become the headline of the day and then embedded in history for others to know our shame..when we give in to tremendous pressure. And of course, people will remember. And the children. And the children's children..and the children's children's children..GAWD...thank goodness Italy won all thanks to my last minute decision to support them. Go Italy! (And David Caruso..for changing my mind indirectly..)

Friday, July 07, 2006


So! I have been missing for a few days and nope, I haven't gone out from Singapore or anything (coz Im still not allowed to make a passport..bummer!) and yes..AS IF i have plenty of money. Okay, the truth is..I have been studying and I can hear people laughing hysterically here and there like 'RAHAYU?! STUDYING?!! bwahahahahhahahha!!!' I mean, nope..I dont mean studying in a big big a new course or what. But, I am studying something that I have been putting aside all the time despite its usefulness in relation to my interest which is web design. But AS USUAL..something has to 'inspire' me and then, I'll pick up the pace from there. Since this is a new month, and also the beginning of the next half of the year, something ought to be done..such as learning a new skill. So, right now, I am learning Dreamweaver MX..the basics of it..going through chapter after..yawnz...chapter..after..zzzzzz....Oh sorry....where was I? Oh yeah, every freakin' chapter actually.

So now im at chapter 7 already which is touching on something that I know but heck, maybe it's different in Dreamweaver, who knows? The book's title is called 'Dreamweaver MX In No Time'...I mean, precisely, I dont have time for this..haha..but narh, I have to sacrifice my time after 12am which is usually spent doing other 'useful' things such as blogging. Okay, probably an average normal person would finish it seriously, in no the book's title. But me? In between I have to fight moments when I'll be dozing off which is equals to boredom especially when it gets rather technical. I wonder how these I.T. people can cope. No wonder many of the guys...despite being cute..with the laptop and that smart attire of them and the rather spikey hair and all..wooh!..ahem..I mean..they kinda look slightly more matured than their actual age..even the really geeky computer nerds of say..a junior college guy..they dont even look like they're in their teens.

But seriously, they're a major turn on for me. If EVER..I get to know an I.T. guy, I'll act as a bimbotic girl who is clueless and doesnt even know how to turn on the computer and let him do it for me and teach me how to email..heh heh...probably teach me how to type as well which is equivalent to him touching my hands to make sure I touch type correctly. Or touch..him..correctly.

So, I would say that Im rather proud of myself too coz I am at the chapter where I thought I will never reach. Besides, it stinks whenever you borrow books but never quite read coz the first chapter is a bore. Infact, the first two pages and i'll be sleeping on the table for two hours..haha..! And also, I made two pairs of necklaces..hehe..the first one doesnt look quite right coz it has been months since I last made anything out of my jewellery beads. But the second one, looks pretty okay. Actually, I am supposed to make it for my colleague who jz want to wear one. Supposed to give her today also but uhm..I kinda like it. Okay I like it a lot. And it'd be such a waste giving to her..haha...I told her that I want to make some more so she has a few choices...

Okay, on to more serious stuffs. Actually my dad has just been to the hospital last monday for a check up as a follow to his last hospitalisation. I mean his eye treatments, at least that's pretty okaylah..coz after subsidy it's 20 bucks..but this one? Gawd..such a killer. The medicine..the x ray..the consultation..just one freakin' visit costs almost 150. Man, do they think we print money or what? Oh yah..FYI...that's AFTER subsidy. Can you imagine if I have stuck to putting him in class B1?! Can hardly cope man! Haiz..I know it's more important to take care of his health and it's not as if he doesn't have savings or what.

But really...if things get so serious, so much money will be involved. When the doctor was giving positive comments about his health compared to the last time he was in hospital, I thought it was quite a relief. However, when the doctor glanced at his arms, she said that it looked swollen and how long it had been. She was touching it and then testing his breathing and looked a bit worried. She directed him a few questions and repeatedly asked if he feels breathless most of the time. I know his standard answers will be I just said that if he walked for quite awhile, he needs to stop coz his stomach has a bit of pain and he feels a bit tired. She said that it could be coz his kidneys were weakening and the next thing she said gave me a shock till I was about to tear and I told myself not to cry..not here..infront of people. She told that he may need dialysis if the kidneys continued to fail coz right now, it's quite weak. Then she questioned my dad and me if we wanted to go ahead with my dialysis. My father..guess he was as shocked at me..turned around and asked how? I lah..see how Im dead serious I dont think dialysis is a good option for us..especially when we're pretty tied up with finances since my dad is not working. Haiz..I would hate to say that Im the only one right now..working in the family...but I can hardly cope with the expenses especially with my mum and brother whose lives still go on..whether got money or not.

But she said that okay...they'll continue to monitor his condition and right now, what she can do is to prescribe him with medicine such as increasing his dosage and adding on one more kind of pill. They will make him frequent the toilet more because holding it will do harm to the kidneys. Futhermore, my father has yet to experience the major symptoms like extreme tiredness which means he cant even sit up straight, walk ...without feeling so much out of breath. They will have loss of apetite (oh he has plenty of apetite). See, I told my mum that he cant be eating chicken porridge bought from outside everyday but she said..let him la..if not, he'll keep going to the kitchen then he'll be very weak if he doesnt eat porridge..wich he treats it as a source of energy. I asked the doctor what about porridge from can he eat them...and she said it's advisable not to eat it coz his diet must consist of low sodium and low protein. So this one month, before his next appointment...I seriously mz get tough on him and my mum and I told him repeatedly until everytime someone heard me talking in the clinics, they thought I was being such a nag.

But it's for his own good and also to avoid going for dialysis treatments coz it's freakin' costly and I dont think he can cope with it either. So right now...surprisingly, after he eat the medicine..after awhile, he actually becomes less weak which is a good sign and his arms didn't look as bloated as the other day. Infact, it became quite back to normal. He could even walk out of the door, go down the lift...sit down next block at the seats under the void deck..walk to the bread...walk back up and walk around the house (which my mum dislikes coz he may tend to disturb her things..hehe). Oh, and the things which he used to be so out of breath while doing such as putting on his socks...even pants...he'd get tired and will rest a bit before continuing. But my mum said that he put on his pants without stopping and continued to put on his socks..and before she knew it..was out of the house to go downstairs for some fresh air. Unbelievable. He used to be rather naggy whenever we asked him to simply walk along the corridors saying that he gets breatheless easily and what if he faints halfway?'s just the same level as our house and it's only walking like mere steps. I wished I was around to see the difference but I can only hear it from my mum.

But I changed his diet by not buying for him his usual fare of porridge and actually pleaded with my mum to please please please..cook for him a least on alternate save him from going through the hassle of dialysis. Haha..actually as I was typing this out, he just walked past my door to the kitchen much faster than he used to when he would take his time and looked so weak walkin' too. I fast ah..and even my mum noticed and she was making hand gestures of the one round he made jz now turning into the kitchen. Okay, I was talking about his diet. So my mum..despite still protesting that she feels so lazy to cook...I continued to beg and beg with her to please..cook just a bit..simple one will do...coz I cant let him eat porridge. My mum hasn't cooked for yonks which surprises my colleagues whenever I said that my mum doesn't cook coz i mean..I know they're thinking..dont mums cook for their family? Well..she doesn't but we dont kick a big fuss out of it coz she can be bloody sensitive about it and start to preach about stuffs like criticisizing her cooking..I mean..wat the hell...since when? Anyway it's just her lame excuse so whatever.

I felt happy that both my mum and my father are responding well to the diet I imposed on him which is not easy for him as he is used to eating everyday. I have to make him eat on alternative days. Even though it's less than a week, things are looking up a bit. My mum actually cooked again today...i least for him. Nevermind about me..I can cope. However, it's still not that easy like yesterday, when my mum said that my dad was asking her to buy food from what the heck..the kind of food where we never bought for the longest time and he suddenly remembered he felt like eating them. Of coz my mum didn't coz she told him Dr Rahayu...yah my mum gave me that monicker...said that he cannot eat a big meal coz yesterday he ate already. I told my mum..let him sleep...throw tantrums..whatever...just don't let him eat. I know I sound evil but I's for his own good. Even my mum protests like she's contemplating to not cook at all but just buy outside.

I said fine..if she is lazy..but just look at the choices of dishes outside at malay stalls..they spell disaster man. Hardly any vegetables and if there are vegetables, they're not cooked in a healthy way. Either fried with chilli or cook in coconut milk gravy...I mean, people want to eat them..let them eat...but he's not having any of that. My gawd..when I look at the usual malay dishes, I am thinking to myself like it's no brainer that the people of my race..especially those reaching late thirties and beyond, they're often not in a good state of health unlike the chinese race who continues to be slim when they're in their senior years even. And whenever I go out or even to the hospital, I continually see girls around my age..and shockingly..a majority of them who are younger than in their teens...they're much bigger than me.. News flash: I am not even slim.

When I was younger than them, I used to be even bigger than now but at that time, it was such a low point of my life coz there are not so many girls who were just as plump or more plump than me. They were slim or lean so can imagine, i always stand out like a sore thumb and clothes were such a huge huge problem for me. But now, the reverse is happening as more and more girls..especially tat of my age..such a pretty face..with their youthfulness such as how trendy they look....they look twice my size and bigger than I used to be. A few times also, I encoutered girls of their age in a wheelchair as they were hospitalised and the whole family will be tucking in together with so much food as they practically bought one meal then subsequently another meal. Even before paying for the food, they were already tucking in the food as they waited to pay. The whole family will be around the same size and it's unfortunately, not the only family that I see like that. Im not trying to criticise big people or what coming from someone who knows how it feels like being big as well...but I wish people will start to take good care of their health from now. If the medicine in the present is so costly already, can you imagine how much more expensive medical treatments will be in the near future?

So basically, diet is what makes you and actually, we don't have to starve ourselves or have pinches of food everyday. Sure we can eat that piece of chocolate cake but the key lies in moderation. I mean, like how my colleague reacted with food last Tuesday at the mosque where we were screening...she was buying cake, fried rice with additions like fried soybean curds and sandwich coz she said all looked delicious to her. She asked if she should buy them but anyway, maybe she'll eat the cake and sandwich in the evening when she will get hungry so I said fine, you can buy them if you want to eat them later. But uhm...during lunch...she actually ate almost everything up and she offered me the food even though I repeatedly say no coz im quite full after eating a hotdog bread..she said that Im 'proud' people offer dont want to eat. I said no..jz..shy..keke..

Okaylah..I dont blame such actions from people coz temptations are great when it comes to food. We're not one of those lucky people who simply have very little desire for food and only eats when hungry or for the sake of surviving the next few hours..hehe..I mean, jz look at me. I was upset that I lost a mere 0.6kg in the week even when I didnt eat that much but then gain back 0.4kg. What the freakin' hell...and I almost suffered pain-wise..coz I didnt eat properly due to work which didn't come too easy for me as I had to work with two people who were not very sure about their work and I couldn't afford to make mistakes. Not when the office will be breathing down ur neck like it's the ultimate complain of all..irregardless if it's a mere enquiry on the parents' part. Let's call it...'gan cheong' in its extreme.

Actually, got a slight correction about the two of them. One of them..though helpful..cant do work on the laptop coz she hardly practised. I thought it was rather odd coz she had been around for more than a month which is quite sufficient to pick up bits and pieces here and there..sort of things. But to know a mere 1%..very..the..odd. Well..whatever it is, Im hearing two sides of stories from both parties. I mean i know the actual team's frustrations when they try to teach her but I guess they should 'tone' down a bit..give her a bit of self confidence or what and not be so caught up with rushing work and then letting her observe only. I mean..I told her to write down notes if all got too confusing coz if we're not careful..unfortunate things may happen as I explained earlier. Uhm..besides....I'd probably sleep halfway through too. But the team's argument is that they did try to teach I said..I am not there...never see....never know.

So, for now..another colleague who is pretty good at coaching others maybe to show that she knows her stuffs or what..coz she's more 'senior' although she slacks in real life. Whatever it is, she is doing a good job tutoring her. Never underestimate her small size..she can be be rather threatening if she's not happy about something..hahaahaha..If she sees me unable to handle people who tend to 'bully' me like keep pushing the blame game to me or seeing me struggle to talk to such people who keep shoving down words down my throat..she'll take over and the matter is done in a jiffy. Like I wonder how she does it with such bulliable type..hahaha.. I'd better stop halfway here coz I think I did a damn good summary of the week's happening even though it hasn't ended jz yet..haha..Hey, next week is pay day CUM bonus day! Wahey! I saw my payslip and Im quite surprised at the amount..hrm..pretty good...and AS ALWAYS, cant they just round up the amount instead of making it mere dollars from a totally different amount..haiz..anyway, still happy got money! hehehehee...

Saturday, July 01, 2006

New Crush AleRt!

Rahayu got a new crush!!! Hehehe...and he seems to be A Okay for me. Here's why...

1)I like his calm voice when he speaks patiently to the patients' parents.

2)He's kinda cute..okay okay..very cute.

3)Due to the nature of his job, he wears the clean cut work shirt that I simply loves whenever guys wear it (but it still depends on THE guy..)

4)He has nice clean cut hair.

5)He is clean shaven. (no stray hairs!)

6)This guy got a respectable and well paying job (hopefully..) since he is working as an optometrist based at some research centre where his office is based. Furthermore, we have to work together coz after he checks the patients at the clinic during his attachment and my attachment, they will be sent to my room for some counselling. However, sighz..we have not spoken to each other except for that last bit last Tuesday..(more on that later!). OH! Did I mention the close proximity of our office buildings..heh heh..

7)I didn't know about it until my colleague told me that he drives a red car. Forget about the glaring colour..the point is, HE drives a car! I know i told myself not to go gaga over guys who drive, coz's the person who matters and not the car. But..what I am more concerned about is that he drives! Haha..silly i know..but i like guys who drive.

8) His car...which I have been trying to look out for outside the polyclinic..has finally been seen by yours truly! Right after the fire drill, he went straight to his car which is uhm..right infront of us actually. I was trying hard not to look at what model it is, but if I wasn't wrong, that last thursday, I saw the exact look of the car plus the colour making a turn towards the main road when I was in the bus after leaving the poly. It is a ...MAZDA!!!!! I Love MAZDA!!! I mean, it may not be him..but who cares for now..coz right now, I just want to gloat over the fact it could be a MAZDA! (now where is my philosophy of not being attracted to guys who drive cars)

9)He is actually rather friendly..though shy coz we haven't spoken except for a teeny bit over work matters. But I guess that last fire drill which caught us by surprise ( i was actually prepared for it) made him open up a little bit to me. First when we were in the queue behind the label 'Myopia'..i know..tacky...he said to me casually that I should be standing infront of the line coz I wear spectacles and I can represent Myopia. What the hell! I tried to say that no way am I gonna represent Myopia! Coz I sounded like some kid on a high with my screechy voice coz that was like..MeaN of him! I know that he meant it as a joke but I think he was thinking that it was a bad opening line for a conversation. K it was but I didnt mind it lah..heh..Then I was talking to the receptionist whom I usually talk to saying that hey..the fire drill at this poly even with the patients...the time taken is definitely shorter than the one held at my workplace. The people at my workplace, during the fire drill like this, they'd be walking as if they were going for a leisurely walk.

Guess he heard me talking but only to the receptionist but surprisingly, he looked at me and asked me casually do you want to go on a date. YEAH RIGHT..Eh, I meant..he asked me if my workplace (he knows board collaborated with his research centre which brings about the specialised eye clinic) holds the fire drill assemble at the carpark. I say yes and he says which carpark..and i was thinking how the heck I describe wher the carpark is..but only can manage..err..infront of the building. Oh, then he said that same for his will be at the carpark too. Actually, our carpark is not the carpark he was referring to but was shy to talk to him la. Eh, but i kinda noticed that he was as if studying my face while talking maybe coz he has not seen me so up close before. I up close..bwahahahaha!! But I thought he would continue the conversation or something but he stopped right there and he talked to the receptionist instead after that. Sighz..was he shy with me? I know Im pretty but..hahahaahah...!!

10)Oh, did I mention that he is Chinese? You know how I am with Chinese make them my boyfriend! dumb obssession with Chinse guys. Okay, even we dont get to be a couple which can be OH SO least I dont mind having him as a friend who gives me a ride back home from office or from anywhere..hahah..too much! too much Rahayu!

11) Yah, I like his built too. Though he is not quite slim, he has pretty broad upper body and shoulders, which I like in a guy too..hehe..Oh, as if I am slim too! he is not on the fat side too lah but maybe he's pretty..okay I shant mention this now but later. It's a suprise! Anyway, I did my calculations already..haha..That time when I got to stand beside him during the fire drill asssembly, I thought I would look bigger than him like how I am with most average guys I suppose..haiz..I realised that eh, physically, we would look kinda perfect for each other. I don' t feel like Im bigger than him but around the same size.

12)And here's the!!! OH MY GAWD!! Is he God sent or something?! I like guys who are a bit on the short side! I didnt say earlier that besides trying to study my face that day when he spoke to me casually for a bit, he was also looking up a bit..haha..Yes, me..slightly taller than him. haiz..and i like looking at his face too sans specs who wear one..and he does have a nice youthful complexion given that he is 28. Oh, about his age, I kinda did my own calculation when I briefly searched for his IC number on the paper held by the receptionist for the fire drill reporting. he is still in his twenties. And I thought he was in his early thirties..hahaha..shall make sure he doesn't know about this if we ever get to be friends. Haiyah..who long as he is older than me. I was MORE worried that he is younger than me. I dont quite fancy going out..I mean..knowing a guy and then hanging out with him if he is younger than me. k that sounds kinda biased..but's an ego thing lah..hehe

Man, I cant wait for my next coverage duty at the clinic whenever my colleague stationed there is down. When I am looking at the computer and his name is on it if he is around that day, I'll be sighing..and re-reading his name and staring at it as well. Actually I thought that he might be married or something like a few of his female colleagues who are on attachment like him too as and when. But my colleague who has been attached there before says that as far as she knows..she doesnt think that he is. Oh, and she thinks he is cute too! It was then that I opened up sayin..YAH I KNOW! He's cute!

She also shared an interesting fact tat one time, he happened to listen to her playing a hip hop cd and said listen to hip hop? Then, after that he showed her his music collection which comprised of rock songs...heavy metal like! Gawd..can he stop making me tick my long 'The kind of guy I want to date' list?

Cant reveal his name now..but I have to tell you this. My alter ego married a guy of the same first name as his! Is this what they call...fated? hahahaha..!! *blush* *blush*

Eating Disorder?!


aaaahhh....what a simple greeting can do to people. If it comes from me, it simply means sincerity, long time no see or 'im trying to be nice here so say hello back to me'...depending on how u get to see it. But u have to make the decisions fast coz any delay within mere seconds can cause suspicions to arise.

ANYWAY, there has been quite a lot of things that happened recently in the last four days since I last posted. Knowing me, probably, i'll either do a quick summary or talk rubbish to cover up the fact that I cant remember most of it..heh..

I actually am rather puzzled with myself sometimes in regards to my two paranoias. Nobody would have guessed that I am suffering from them coz i look and behave as normal as I can. Like I have this thing...which I guessed I have mentioned before...that I tend to view food with a discriminating eye. This paranoia happens when I am alone and feeling rather hungry whether during lunch time or dinner time or even anytime in between. When one is hungry, one would usually just choose the array of food available in a food court, hawker centre or even a fast food restaurants. Me? I would view the dishes which I used to eat the last time and having the problem of choosing which one to eat exactly since each one looked oh-s0-good..(especially if I was so dead hungry i'll eat any live cow passing by).

But now? I can only tell myself that it's too fattening or oily deep fried for me. Actually, come to think of it, when I see the typical food served at courts for example, I dont really see much healthy choices. Say..if we want to eat something healthy without the oily gravy or the oil coated kway teow noodles, there's practically very little or non at all. I know the last time when I felt guilty eating so and so food then wanted to eat something light and non too oily, I could see the only option I had was yong tau foo. I'd get it without soup since Im not a big fan of soup...and have it with either rice or noodles. But after eating that for more than a couple of times, I resorted to eating back the usual food before that like mee goreng (fried noodles) or fried rice..that kind of food.

However, after my weight took a toll on me on the inside and the outside (esp after one freaking dream which was the last straw), I decided to have healthier options for food. But boy was it a struggle. But after a long significant while, when you actually started seeing results, you would get the hang of it. Then again, I kinda have made it to some kind of paranoia. I no longer see food in its delectable glory but what harm it is going to do to my body especially in the long run. Sometimes, it would affect me quite badly that I'd just munch on guava if I cant decide what to eat for lunch or have a watermelon juice, bread or biscuits. Drinking milo can help to suppress my hunger too since it is an energy booster as well and come buying dinner back home, occasionally I'd just grab a milo from mcdonald's if there's some spare cash. One of my favourite snacks is the waffle from the bakery where they would make for you on the spot and you can choose what filling you want. For me, if I dont feel I ate a lot, I'd have cheese for filling. If not, I'll go back home eat just biscuits with a packet of milo which I had bought and stored in the fridge.

Can say that the whole one and a half weeks I had to cover for my colleague on long term medical leave, I didn't really eat that much. Coz it was during that period I had to be attached at the clinic where I was working alone in my room with one or two optometrists and the receptionists. They were not exactly my colleagues either although they would address me as one when refering them to me after their patient's eye examination. Since I was just a coverage which meant that I wouldn't come in every week day, I guessed they were trying to keep to themselves either. To me, in a way...I thought I wouldn't mind that way either as I felt the same way towards them too except for like one of them coz she is really friendly. The receptionist..dont say la...she has no choice but to communicate with me but she's rather approachable and you don't feel like u're talking to some stranger. I guess coz she much senior than the younger optometrists and she doesn't have this 'paiseh' or shy approach to people. point is...naturally, if you dont really get along well with the people, the last thing you want is to have lunch with them. So far I only got one invitation for lunch and I didn't go la coz I as planning on going for lunch somewhere. But that was a few months back. She wasn't around for quite a long while since the last time I saw her but she is, by far, the friendliest one of the lot since the first day she spoke to me. Therefore, during lunch times, I was alone and guess what happens when Rahayu is alone during lunch time? Her paranoia comes and she has this fear of food (or gaining weight..which ever way you put it) that she'll stick to just a simple snack and a packet of milo to make her stomach filling.'s such a struggle seeing so many people eating during lunch with no qualms over the food such as if the gravy is too oily or if the chicken is deep fried. I'd be like..'how can you eat that?!' Initially, I wasn't this bad and even though I still wouldn't eat one whole bowl or plate of food for lunch, I would have, for example, grilled chicken and rice from Long John Silver, a bowl of instant fried noodles from Maggie or a packet of twister fries from Mcdonald's.

But after awhile, such as the next few days of coverage at the clinic, I just couldn't be bothered with lunch. If I ever went out during lunch time, it was only to get rid of boredom or staying away from the freakin' cold room. Once I told myself that I must eat something and actually went round the food court to see what I can eat. I know I have a few favourites there that the last time if I ever had the chance to eat there when working outfield, I would buy one of them without batting an eyelid. Now? I would think what it would do to my weight and health and that's it...I decide quickly that I will not take the risk. Since I must eat something, I just bought a packet of guava and a watermelon juice. There is this fountain around the escalator but with raised level around it too for people to sit. So, I was sitting nearer to the escalator since it was away from the blinding sunlight on certain spots. And guess what? YOu have no idea how I felt, whenever I saw the faces of the people who worked there and on the way up on the escalator after lunch.

Maybe they were not aware of it but on my part, I was aware that they were looking at me. Both male and female but more for the male species...who had their eyes fixated on me the minute they were approaching the escalator from a distance and up the escalator irregardless of whether they were chatting with their other colleagues before that. The female or two would give this long gaze at me...with this pair of creepy eyes depending on how old they the older they are, the more discriminating (and hence, creepy) eyes they have.

Hello? (This is NOT a greeting as mentioned earlier but a stern reminder) I am not on a diet okay? So dont look at me like i'm trying to be so health conscious that I only have fruits for lunch. I mean, even if you think I am after seeing my size and then seeing what I eat, it's easy to assume that I am trying to diet. I say I am not coz it's not everyday I eat fruits for lunch and do you see me have the same 'lunch' as this everyday? And I also think it's up to the individual on what he or she chooses to eat. As if I got any other choice as all did took up most spaces in the food court anyway and I have no one but myself to help reserve the place while I go buy my food. Please...and it's rude to stare at people while they were eating..unless u're totally hot and I don't mind being stared at by you.

Haiz..we shall see how it goes coz I haven't had the opportunity to eat with my colleague or colleagues due to my coverage duties for that one and half weeks. Even though the last two days, I was supposed to have lunch with them, due to some last minute work or changes, our lunch time was affected that we jz grabbed whatever snack we could coz there was not much time and we were not feeling too hungry as well.

Like I've said that it is only around my colleagues or even a friend or two that I will hide this paranoia of food that it doesn't arouse any suspicions that I am having a problem. I actually have no idea if I am supposed to label it as a problem coz as far as I am concerned, it is never about me NOT wanting to eat anymore. Rather, the issue here is that I am rather exasperated on the lack of healthier food choices available here in Singapore in comparison to Western culture. Look, I wouldnt mind having supposedly 'rich' carbo food such as pasta which has less starch content than the normal white rice. If there is any pasta here in Singapore, you would have to pay more than ten bucks for it plus service charge plus tax plus the dishwashers'..cooks'...waiters' tax. And in one restaurant, even the small plate of peanuts and wet towel napkins (which we didn't even ask but they gave before we ordered food) were charged. if my pay can cover most of my lunch money.

Oh, if you want healthier food served at fast food restaurants, forget it. Not that they dont have, they have..but be prepared to pay much more for vegetables in the salad compared to the burger with chicken patty or double beef patties. Makes sense? And we're not even talking about organically grown vegetables here!

So is it my fault that I am struggling to find a good choice of food in eating places here? Look, I don't mind sharing food with my Breeks restaurant...coz it would mean that at least the price is worth it if we pay our half share of it. I know....this 'new' me..can never finish a plate of food but I will have no choice when with my colleague and also coz I didn't want to waste my money either paying full price but eating just half of it. That's why..another reason why I wouldn't like buying one whole plate of food if I don't feel overly conscious of health is that I have trained myself to limit food intake so well that I can never finish up without any hep from someone.

Look, it's up to you to judge if I am suffering from an eating disorder or that I am just trying to protect my health by avoiding unhealthy food. However, I try to be as polite as I can by not discriminating the food eaten by others such as my colleagues or friends by pinpointing and remarking on how much fats that char kway teow has, for example. I know some people will and to them, they are thinking that they're just trying to help or they're simply being plain mean or rude lah. Like how would they know that maybe for a long while, they have been eating healthy and only today they are treating themselves with that plate of food, deemed unhealthy for one's diet? I guess respect for others is what I am doing whenever I try to eat as per normal when with people..without these pair of eyes that wrinkle up whenever I look at food from the various stalls if alone. I don't think it is about trying to hide some kind of disorder..which I still insist that it is merely a paranoia..not an eating disorder.

That means to say I am not inching towards anorexia or bullemia k? And I am not influenced by other females far more slimmer or curvier than me. I do compare myself to them then telling myself how I wish I look like that one day. But it is never about me trying to replicate their body shape or what but it's simply coz for once, let me make good out of my life. Please.

You have no idea how unconfident or uneasy I felt whenever im around people I know and seeing how I got bigger and bigger while people are getting nicer clothes as they approach their early twenties as so on while I had to wear auntie's clothes whose sizes are bigger. As I am typing this out, I am also trying to sort out my mixed thoughts on my strange eating habits whenever cum lunch or dinner time. The more I sort out, the more I think that I have mislabelled myself as being paranoid over food. I don't think I am...seriously. Unless i start to puke out food or binge on food then starve myself then start the cycle again, I am not having an eating disorder.

Well...whatever it is, on the other hand, I don't think I am doing any worse in the health department. I feel more energetic to carry out my mum's perpetual errands which including buying from one place to another. Being on the move outside can also mean climbing up the stairs of overhead bridges which can be as many as even 5 times in a day depending on where I am. And one or two are rather high due to the construction going around there but I didn't struggle to go up the many stairs.I was pretty fast which is amazing and little or no breathelessness.

Infact, me and my colleague were rather puzzled at our achievement at the gym when we were doing our individual favourite machines. Usually, when I was on the treadmill, which I dread but it's a 'must do' thing, it has always been a struggle trying to keep at a constant or higher speed for at least twenty minute. For twenty min to approach, deep down..if i have not pushed myself, I probably just ended off finishing ten min before time. Then I would be thinking how on earth my colleague could keep up with the pace for 45 min at the same speed but with higher elevation. For me, I'd be happy to stick with no elevation if I wanted to last at least 30 min. But yesterday, it was amazing that I did 40 min without changing the speed level and elevation level to make me go on walking fast at the same speed. You know if not for the lack of time, I would have done more coz really, I didn't feel like I was so damn tired even at 30 min with an elevation of two! Wow...

My colleague, on the hand, she was doing my fav machine (the body workout thing which combines arm and leg movements together) and like me with the treadmill, it can be a struggle to her even for 5 to ten minutes. But she pushed on and on at a rather fast pace which puzzled me as I was thinking that she would have gotten off by now after ten minutes. Then after the workout, we had the same surprised reactions at ourselves. When it was my turn to do the whole body workout thing (haha..dunno whats e name), since I was already tired from the treadmill thing, it was quite a struggle seeing each minute passed by. However, that was quite okay but again, I was surprised that I kept up at a good high speed non stop unlike the last time where the speed limit was not quite constant to help me cope.

Hell, nowadays I realised that my complexion is getting better also ever since I cut out oily food and walk more than usual or do my usual gym routine each week. Sometimes I think that during my struggline moments especially when I have to make drastic adjustments (or going back to office gym even after my shift has ended during attachment) to my lifestyle, it is not going towards a bad thing. Infact, I am merely improving myself on an area I would never ever thought would happen to me.

And with that, I would like to say that I have achieved a goal as part of my 2006 resolution with much success..surprisingly, in exactly 6 months. That is to lose..10kg..of which I did..YAY!!! Therefore, combined with the previous weight loss, I have infact reduced 20kg!!! A freakin' 20kg!!! Im back at the weight I was at when at the age of 16.

Of course I am not about to gorge myself silly with food after this. I will try my best to maintain and to lose even further. However, I have not noticed that much of physical changes maybe coz I have not been exercising for more than one week before yesterday coz of my clinic attachments. Maybe there are but I haven't been able to notice them yet though other people may be able to see through them which puzzle me coz..I cant darn see them! haha..However, if there's one or two things I noticed is besides my slimmer arms and smaller shoulders, I struggle less with skirts and they dont hike up like the last time. Infact, they look a wider on the bottom where it used to almost cling on to my thighs and hike up a bit. Plus, the bulge on my lower tummy which I hated coz of its obviousness, seem much less obvious this time till it's almost flat. I mean..I dont mean to show off lah..but the lower tummy is usually the part which I would hate whenever I wear a knee length skirt coz it would bulge out.

So I think that as long as we're not destroying ourselves, then think positive of the things that you want to do to help yourself no matter how much you have to struggle initially. I mean..let people say what they want to say or gossip about just like what happened to me. In the end, we know that it is for our own good..never for them...and that my friends, is what helps me stay afloat at times. *smiles*

Long Weekend, A Little Rambling & My Lack of Gratitude

The day I discover IG filters It's almost mid week to August..argh. I am in the midst of a long weekend, which sadly will come to ...