Monday, June 26, 2006

Closet I.T. GeeK

*Gasping* What a day!! Okay, so I came across a few self help motivational books at a Popular bookshop last friday..i mean seriously, the bookshop is named that way (unless u want to associate the name to yours truly..like im 'rahayuthePOPULAR'..k..*fine*). So, you know how i liked to yak recently about not wanting to idle my time away infront of the pc although ironically, something else happened.


Okay, what the motivational books taught me (at least from reading its coverpages and the backpages..hehe...) that time is money...time mz be well managed....in order to make the best use of time to either make money or to accomplish more things in life. Of coz, initially..I was interested in the idea of making money to become a millionaire but once I started to refocus (after a few distractions from other books as well..like why men have nipples), but then, I thought to myself what exactly do i want to achieve out of my life.


The more I think, the more things I felt that I wanted to do but never really got round to it. I would be so freakin' enthusiastic about it only to slack a whole lot and then two months later like uhm..from april to now june..I would suddenly recall back that I was SUPPOSED to do something. However, my fren kinda indirectly helped to jolt me out of my laziness to finally start making good use of my time rather than to just blog and blog away while surfing for pictures of Jonathan Rhys-Meyer...(Cant help it..he's cute!). Ok, so my passion over web design got reignited a bit and soon, I found that after returning from accompanying my bro for his haircut, I felt compelled to look thru tutorials on photoshop. I had been saving the web pages under my fav but never really got round to practising many of them. As I was browsing thru the 'favourites' under my internet explorer, I suddenly recalled that I had this filing system in my room where I categorise files under different interests of mine. However, the first time I started this system, was also the last time I ever touched the files..haha...And then, as I was looking thru' my cabinet, I realised too that I still had this huge stack of Digital Life magazines which I have been collecting faithfully for so long specifically for its good number of useful articles. This also explains on why I only buy Straits Times on Tuesdays. That is the day when they distribute this magazine insert for free with the papers. I mean..come on..the papers only cost 80cents and then, if you subscribe to I.T. magz..mind you, they're more than 6 freakin' bucks. I can use that money for other purposeful things like uhm..buy more than one magz...with maybe a free tote thrown in as well.


Then that friday also, I found back my palm which was hiding underneath a stack of fresh A4 papers. It's just one of those things that I acquired...initially tried to dabble a bit with it..forget its existence...had a memory recall about forgetting something..and wham! OH YAH...I HAVE a palm! Believe me, with the exception of my computer since it's impossible to hide it, every other things will go thru' this strange habit of mine.


Although my Palm is relatively new like less than a year, it doesnt have the capabilities of a modern convergence Palm which has Wi-Fi...3G...handphone functions..and what the hell have they. So no O2 mini whatsoever coz being a cheapo...the more ex the thing is, the more likely i forget that it exists coz most prob i would hardly touch it since it is so darn expensive. Don want to spoil it there! However, I have yet to reach that stage for it. Coz one thing about me, when it comes to buying things that cost quite costly, I would look at it at various angles besides its cost such as its practicality, the hidden costs that I may incur for acquiring additional softwares to run it and the kind of functions it has. K..more for the hidden costs. For e.g., to have internet running in say..a PDA..u do need a service provider and that requires you to pay a certain amt each month. Then certain softwares need you to purchase things like..extensions..for example..before they can work. I mean, if you're working for some big firm..meet clients often...have a lot of impt projects...tight deadlines to meet..maybe it's wiser to invest in something that may be a bit costly but covers all or most of ur needs in the most convenient and hassle-free ways.


For me, Im just happy that it helps me to organise my time better..and hence be more productive. It can also store photos from my pc or my handphone...store music on the SD card...and something that I think is pretty cool..and that is impromptu blogging. Of coz having internet connection will make things easier and even though my handphone has internet functions and thus able to send pictures or docs via email...I guess im more the 'go home then upload' type. As if people send me urgent emails..that I need to access immediately or my head will be rollin' on the floor for missing the important meeting. However, die die also..I still prefer the old fashioned notebook and pen kind of jotting down notes or to do lists. At least they dont have technical hiccups. Even with handphones..I try to be practical by trying to stick to its bare minimum like making and receiving calls as well as messaging people. I cant remember the last time I used its web browser although knowing that I can access internet is one heck of a cool thing already. However, like i said...good things dont come in cheap and before u know it, all these downloading and uploading of data can give u one big headache when the bill arrives. Already I seldom call people except maybe to call back my mum if I forget what to get at the supermarket, then when I had to make outgoing calls three or four times ds month, with each lasting less than half an hour...my bill went up to 70 dollars plus from its safe range of 40 plus to slightly over 50 plus. They were important outgoing calls coz I was updating my colleague as well as getting info from her regarding coverage duties.


Also, earlier this month, my dad was hospitalised so had to call his relatives and they will talk for awhile and of coz u dont tell them to call me back immediately jz coz my incoming calls are free (no matter how tempting that sounds). I know a huge chunk goes to messaging but it's something that is quick and avoidable and considered cheaper (which I realised after this 70 dollars plus shocker) and also...coz I have only 100 free SMSes free..Bleh. There is ALWAYS a trade off. However, I do try to cut down on my messages though being carried away is also a common practice..hehe...



Oh before i continue, I mz mention that I got this dreamweaver software for web designing (other than the easier microsoft frontpage..haiz..ok okaylah..will finally upgrade myself..) from my friend last year which I TOTALLY forgot abt. All this time, I kept thinking how unsucessful I am in acquiring a pirated copy of it WITHOUT wasting my money. Stupid..twice I had to pay for two cds whose softwares are actually trial versions which, by the way, have expired!


Today, I did the compilation of articles from the Digital Life papers..which was LONG LONG overdue...and looking at the stacks of it, I doubt I would finish it so soon even if I tried to cut them out rather quickly. I have read through some of the articles esp on those that catch my attention immediately while scheming thru' the rest. So more or less..I know what they're all about but they're useful for future references. YAH I KNOW..im a closet I.T. geek. But like I said, Im still an amateur in this field. Either that or I act like I dunno anything to avoid being taken advantage of..hehe...RIGHT, I admit that I am a cheapo but what baffles me is how a small co. of which one or two of their staffs are my friends or ex school mates for e.g want to escape from costs by trying to hire a close contact of a staff.


Come on...people are making money out of things that may seem rather easy but actually has a lot of things going on in the background...so give the person some credit for his or her long hours infront of the pc and loss of sleepin hours...I have been through this phase..or rather 'forced' to help in website construction for a month..not happy redo again..despite spending more than 6 hours on it previous nights. The company refused to co-operate by giving the details. However, they pinpoint EVERY single thing like they want a huge image overhaul..and guess what? In the end, they cancel the deal prematurely and I dont get a penny. I worked for so many hours on the damn thing..and was only promised 30 bucks..but still, I didnt get a single freakin' thing. But my friend spent more 'brain' time on the website working on its programming while I worked on its aesthetics and even went out of the way going to the company several times only to come home empty handed with no details whatsoever. I would be angry with her for dragging me in this mess but she was a victim too so I jz forget abt. However, I didnt want to accept any more assignments after that..(plus, i need to catch on my sleep too!).


I also have a friend whom Im not that close to but she's rather persistent in asking me to help her do some I.T. stuffs for her boss such as photo editing and website construction. I mean...okay..I can suggest several solutions but if I say..I am not sure..or my knowledge isn't deep enough to help in some widescale I.T. project like web maintenance...I mean it. I dont want to say ok..ok...and then if it doesnt turn out to be what they wanted due to my limited knowledge, then they dont want to pay me...it would be unfair to me too. However I asked for it. Look, as far as Im concerned, I have helped in ways that I can..and people's persistent requests and accusations that I actually know but I dont want to help them...I think they're wasting their time. Oh, and wasting My time too. Like I said, if they're being forceful coz I happened to provide them with a golden opportunity to seriously cut down on costs or totally not spend anything jz coz of this 'friendship ties'...then sorry. I mean, really...i'm not money minded and may not even want to accept payments or jz accept what they can pay me..Im not that fussy like how I helped two or three people design a personal page for them for free. but I just dont like it when they start saying mean things to me or expect me to just do it..whether or not I can..then I suggest they just 'take off' lah..seriously.


So that's why I prefer to term myself as a closet I.T. geek and not want to let anyone know how much I know certain stuffs. Like when it comes to softwares, sure I can help burn them a copy at no charge...but if like everytime, the same person always borrow my software when they can easily buy them themselves...and now to the extent of wanting to borrow my games which are NOT cheap by the way..then can take off also la. It has been such a common practice for her to just borrow softwares or even other stuffs from me, her messages sound like commands to me..such as 'tomorrow, dont forget to bring the microsoft office cd..thank you'. What the F**k? Think Im ur freakin' secretary is it. Gosh, cant believe last Thursday, she took a cab with little money in her wallet and then asked me to standby and prepare 20 bucks to help her pay first coz she forgot her card. I didnt know cabs accept nets. She didnt even ask how much I have first like whether is it enough to pay for the cab ride and whether or not I can offer the help. Please lah..u want to command people..go join the army.


GAH..feel so redundant talking about such irritants. Anyway, I was rather proud of myself today coz my time was well spent which included..sighz..doing this..all thanks to my newly found PDA. By the way, I have given it a new life by reinstalling the software for its hot sync functions..free game downloads..I mean...more organized life..here i come!



Digital Life copies


My Palmie..called 'offspring' by the way















Sunday, June 25, 2006

Happy Bday Jason Mraz!

Well..i want to wish Jason Mraz a belated happie birthday to him! It was on June 23rd and he turned 29. Aaahh...that was why i dreamt about him. He was telling me that it was his birthday and what did i give for a birthday present? I dissed him! what the hell..

Who is this jason mraz guy u wonder? Okay he's this skinny guy (but like he said, he's fat full of rhymes..and i totally agree with his outstanding play of words!) who is tall and he eats, sleeps and breathes music. Plus he is totally un-celebrity like with his mischief that can get people in stitches! He self made this 3 min plus video clip called the IMR or the Invisible Microphone Report news..where he was pretending to hold this invisible microphone (hence, the name) like a reporter..and talking about how he had been awarded with Gold award plaque from Hard Rock Cafe after selling 500,000 albums. He went on about what the gold vinyl record behind the plaque actually is and did a mini investigation about it attempting to break open the frame with a knife..and *Sniggers*...a metal tool and a torch fire jz like a burglar and should see his expressions while doing all these..hilarious! Gawd..I can go on and on about his hilarious video such as when he and his friend took turns to do these little dance ditties to the record playing which wasn't his actually. And he looked so cute with his flashes of mischievous grins! Man..can i have a boyfriend like him who has this constant happy look on his darn face? Can melt any girl's heart and feel oh-so-blissed in his arms..provided they're big enough to hug my rather wide torso..(another stab at my girth)...



So he ended his 'investigations' with his findings that what is actually behind the gold plaque may not necessarily be the record of the singer who was awarded with it. Still he likes the guy behind the music whose name is Tom Scott (which he found out through a GOOGLE search..heh..my fav search engine too!). However, he made a few funny remarks including the funnie bit saying that Tom Scott should be lucky coz his record was chosen as a display vinyl record behind the plaque but added with that famous grin...but people had to buy 500,000 of his albums and then listen to Scott's music..hahahaha..!! Then he ended his self made video clip with an attempted scratching sounds of his own voice as if on a broken record saying 'this has been..*cheeka cheeka zip a zic..zic..'mraz..(something like that) to copy what he did to Scott's record when he experimented playing the song backwards to know how it would sound like. Man...he's like so freakin' casual despite being a music genius!


Hey..Im still upset that I didn't get the tickets for the Mosaic Music Festival when he came down to Singapore to perform for one night only as part of the line up of musical talents. Damn it..sold out fast! I didnt know much about him that time except that I have heard of his music...I do like them..just that I didn't know the titles and forgot his name easily as there was not much publicity on him. It has been four months since I first bought his album and until now, Im pretty much hooked on his music coz they're so freakin' catchy...and easy on the ears with his smooth vocals and great music arrangement that it feels so good to just sit back and relax. YOu even forget that u're actually dragging ur feet work..although that resumes right back after I switch my mp3 player off.


Anyway boy..u're 29!! Man..u achieved so much at a young age coz u never give up in trying to succeed in what you like doing best..which is singing, songwriting..performing...playing the guitar..and so on and so forth! Being the genius that he is...Mraz is a pretty good writer too based on his observations during his tours with his entourage which he also used as a source of inspiration for his music. Now this guy is constantly writing or dreaming up of tunes that he can just hum along to without making the song always sound so 'jz out of the record studio' type along his acoustic guitar and ultra smooth vocals.


Once again...Jason Mraz...HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!!

Thursday, June 22, 2006

Zonk Out

Hey..

I admit i sounded rather harsh yesterday in my previous post..sometimes, I just don't understand why people think or say such things. dont they ever put themselves in other people's shoes and see how it's like being that person and if ever they are placed in the same situation, would they eventually break down like urs truly? Or is it easier to just point ur finger accusingly at the other person and assume that his or her mentality is that of a child? Sighzz..sometimes, i tell myself when I get rather mad or annoyed at certain people that hey..if not for these people, life would be rather boring. Everyone will have this great big giant smile on their face and we're like friends or even family to one another. For me..I'd rather be friends with the animals than with people..at least, they are not fake unless of coz they're doing their camoufla-ging thing. So, IF..ever people are made to be so freakin' perfect; each and every single one of them...I wouldn't have a clue as to who is telling the truth..or who is merely showing a facade. Better to explode right infront of you rather than spread the words behind ur back while showing a well composed demeanour hinting NOTHING of their backstabbing duty to you.



So let's just put any bad feelings behind and just continue with life's journey as per usual. Jz think that there is a huge chunk of people probably holding on to their dear life whose light will be put off anytime. I cannot imagine the doctors giving me a time frame to live. Would I still carry on with an undying hope that I will get to see my brother graduate...see myself buy a new car..see who my boyfriend is going to be (*crosses finger*..with jonathan rhys-meyer's looks)..or will I still get to continue my studies and eventually hold a degree? Endless possibilities..but unfortunately, being cut short with that darn 'time period'. It's like we dont want people to tell us what to do..but what if they're telling something that we dont want to hear..but it's the bloody truth..and that we can't run away from the real fact of life?


U know what? We're just humans created to live the life in the rough and pick ourselves up whenever we fall..clean the blood stain off..and then move on to where we have put our mind to it. Im one of those people who dont let myself linger on where I land and then grimace in pain. I trip and fall...brush the dust off my knees..and walk like it never happened or nobody ever looked my way. But there are two things that are happening in this kind of situation: either I Chose to ignore the fact that I DID fall but too proud to show the effect of it or the next time I try to be careful so that I wont fall again.


I am still not happy over my mum not letting me to meet my friend coz she didn't want me to run away from my responsibility of buying back home food. Plus, she felt that I am being 'played' by my friend to follow whatever she asked me to do which includes to go out with her. Well, if it's being done almost everyday, I would understand her concern. But the last time I met her was more than two weeks ago and is there anything to simply catch up with her and then just talk to maintain the friendship? Perhaps she doesnt want to associate with her friends anymore from back then when she was still working and having this bunch of colleagues cum good friends. She may not be interested in keeping in touch with them..coz for all she knows, she has moved on. But it doesnt mean she has to apply the same concept to me. When we were in trouble, or even when I was in trouble myself..sometimes, relatives who share the same bloodline as you..cant even lift a finger to help you. Friends, with no family ties whatsoever to you...stretch their arms out and help you in a way that they can. She may want to live a life as a hermit..limiting herself to only a handful of good trusted friends...but for me, I wouldn't mind not having a wide circle of friends. I have garnered enough life lessons to teach me that true friends are hard to find. But friends, like you and I..we're bound to be imperfect somewhere like sometimes, there are things or qualities that I dont like in some friends but we don't let such hung ups affect our thinking about them. For all I know, I am perhaps the most annoying being on earth..but they still cling on to me as a friend because maybe..as a friend myself..I am doing a pretty good job.


So i want to give credit to them by being a friend to them..not just in words..but as a whole being to be there for them when they want someone to talk to or just chill out with. I dont see any matter why I have to be strictly tied down to my family responsibilities and even in the midst of work, I have been asked to take cab rides back and forth to send back home food before restarting my work after lunch. It's like..dont i ever get to eat? what's one hour man..during lunch? It's too short for a double cab rides not inclusive of queueing up to buy food..waiting for the food to be prepared..waiting for the cabs (twice)..and then the journey back up my flat and down again all the way to the polyclinic im attached to for ds week.


Ok Im rather exasperrated that Im not being treated like I have my own life to lead whether at home or at work. People throw tantrums over something I was not able to do due to a lack of time (for goodness sake, it was time to go back and I didnt have time to keep my bag coz of my supervisor's stupid childish briefing)...and then how quickly they forget that all this time, who has been doing the work? I don't know if it is common practice to address people's shortcomings much easily rather than the hard work that they have been putting in. Just like one celebrity who said that she has been charity work outside her glamorous lifestyle and then when she makes one mistake, the whole media is on to her not even once writing down or even mentioning about her charity work.


So the hottest news make people ever the curious. Even though I have never fancied her acting or her singing, she does make a point. Work? I've been asked to do favours like so many times..almost every work..covering people's duty as they sit and home nursing their poor health. Complain? what is there to complain...I can't argue coz this is part of the contract so just have to bear with it. Make noise about it also..there is no point as you'll be labelled easily as 'hostile' coz of their inabilities to judge the difference between a body language that shows unreasonable hostility and a body language that shows 'you are crossing the line already and dont expect me to smile and pretend you didn't say such things to me'.


My point is..people have the right to get angry as long as it makes sense and I don't kill anyone in the process from extreme anger. I...am sometimes puzzled why people behave in a way that will only bring about hurt and a heck lot of unfairness. I dont see any logic in their reasonings and I am not about to let myself drown in their 'disability' of making a fair judgment. However, I do disappoint myself at time for over-reacting. Last Wednesday, I over-reacted. Anybody would be angry as well if placed in my situation of conforming to my family's wants each and every single day..and then not letting me have a chance to just 'take a hike' and get out of the usual monotonous lifestyle. It may be my chance to keep my sanity in check..but guess what...I didnt get that chance at all last Wednesday and I was majorly upset while still going about my responsibilities to my family after cancelling the chance to meet my fren.


But right now, I just need to chill out a bit and take things slow. Then dont let people get me down too easily. You know what. I can just pretend nothing ever happened and then just go about doing my things like how i fell and then walk away like nothing ever happened although it hurts like hell as I walked. I'm tired. Not tired of living. But tired of putting up with this masquerade. However, I'm trying to do a recall here. I want to re-focus on my objectives. I want to stick to my motto to simply 'zonk out' or 'tune out' the unpleasant moments..or the unpleasant things I have to do..but the faster I do, the faster I get rid of those shitty moments right? Oh well..I have the answer to that.


Oh, one last thing. I want to apologise to Jason Mraz for dissing his song "life is wonderful'. Not that I don't like his song..infact I love it..but after that last incident, I thought that it describes life as if it is so freakin' perfect and we should just kick back our heels and smell the flowers. however, I begged to differ when I had a dream about him just before I was about to open my eyes and sighz..get ready for work...and the dream was that I was hugging him and apologising to him for saying that Life isn't as wonderful as you think it is. I mean I didnt get to see him upfront closely and neither did I have a good look at his face except for his side view. But dude..that guy is skinny and wearing a pink shirt...it's UNDENIABLY Jason Mraz..and then when I woke up, I thought that the dream was trying to tell me something. As if saying that hey..life will always be wonderful..it's how you lead it or how other people mistreat your life that we're unable to accept that there is such a thing called 'loving thyself'. We put ourselves down...we hang our head down low in misery..because of how people perceive ourselves to be like either we exist and they dont like it or we don't exist at all.


It takes two hands to clap. For one thing to happen, another thing has to happen. If I want to have some peace and quiet or have some 'ME' time away from the distractions created by my family, I mz make good use of the time where for once, I am not being disturbed in my own comfort zone. For example, times like this, I can type out my blog...I can plan what I want to do later..clean up my room...and I should also console myself by saying that hey..at least they dont disturb me 24 hours a day. However, I still am rather puzzled as to how I can some 'time off' with my friend or friends coz as far as im concerned, last Saturday I did go out twice to get them what they need before running off again to meet my friend. Maybe she has issues not me....I just hope there will be a little voice in her saying that she shouldn't control my life too much and that I have a right to my happiness as well so long as I perform my family duties. There are times when some things happen and it's not our fault. We can be bearing every single fault and if we believe we ain't do nothing wrong..then stick to that thought. I can't be bothered too much about people's attitude if it ever going to put me down. I can't afford to put a frown on my face as if it's second nature already. Rahayu deserves her space and she has said it once and she'll say it again...YOu respect my life..and I'll respect yours back.

Wednesday, June 21, 2006

Stupid Family

sianz..sianz..sianz..a chinese word which i don't know exactly what is the actual meaning of it in english but so far, what i can conclude is simply...a 'bloody freakin bored f**ked up life' which obviously yours truly is going through right now. Im sorry jason mraz..but ur song Life Is Wonderful..seemed rather useless to me at this point of time. Will it get better? I cant guarantee that. Worse? I am definitely betting my dollars on it.

can people just cut some slack..and let ME..run my own show instead of being a puppet to their needs and wants..k, in my family, that will be CONSTANT HUNGER and CONSTANT ATTENTION. Gawd..I don't have a private jet plane like Mr Donald Trump and dont expect me to zoom back home straight after attending to their food orders of the day. I mean..come on....I have the right to see what I want to see coz I dont earn money just for the family but for my own needs as well. So what if i take my time to think if the skirt is worth buying because I don't want to end up with a wasted buy. But it's so irritating when I felt like I am a prisoner out on bail and every...second..and every..minute..counts. Arrghh!!!


And today I nearly blew my top off. My mum was still not over me going out late afternoon and reaching home nearly 11pm last Saturday. Okay..I jz missed the point here. She was not happy about me going out with my friend..infact, any friend..now that's a big freakin' fuss! likeas if i came out jz like that..leaving them out in the rain while they starve to death. I went out twice before that buying for them breakfast and then right before meeting my friend, bought lunch for them ..queueing up to buy KFC food...while almost being on the brink of being late. Today would be the second time I told my friend I couldn't go out with her after work coz u know why? MY MUM was not happy about it..but went about being sarcastic about it saying that oh well, whatever her decision was, I would still insist on going so no point anyway. Then she said that I would have to buy food for my father..he didnt eat his porridge yesterday and he was extra tired after eating the packet of rice which I bought yesterday. And then my brother had not eaten yet. CAN YOU LIKE IMAGINE..since last Saturday, which I shall remind u..I did get for them their f**king food..before leaving...and then subsequently, the next day and the next day..up to yesterday, I brought home bags of groceries along with food risking breaking the bones of my arms coz ain't NOTHING is too heavy for me..which, by the way, is my mum's assumptions. MAN!! Buying food is an everyday affair...everyday i sacrifice my own personal time off after work bypassing even my own home to continue with the second part of my journey buying food for them. Look, I know i sound like Im kicking a huge fuss over this food issue..and fyi, my mum doesnt cook so forget about home cooked food..it doesn't exist in this house...but I don't care about the damn food. What made me so PISSED OFF was the fact that..she didn't let me meet my friend coz she was worried that I couldn't get them food on time and also coz I went out already last Saturday. FOr f**kin' sake, I DONT GO OUT ALL THE TIME WITH MY FRIEND. The last time I ever DID go out with my friend for like what..AN HOUR..which she made a ruckus already..was three weeks ago. Everytime..everyday..I served their needs and when it's my turn to have a bit of ME time outside with my own friend, It's like im being punished. So which means what..if I ever go out, I'll be made to serve life sentence is it? GAwD...


Haiz..I just hope she stops taking me as a child and I know that I have responsibilities and I don't stray as much as I want to far far away from this family...


NOw she continues harping on the fact that I am upset I didn't get to go out..and like...I love my friend so much that I can't bear NOT to go out with them..then might as well go to Australia and then lead my own life there. FYI again mum..u don't even Let me make a passport!!!! what Australia? It doesn't exist!


Grow up can? I am not like ur son who thrives on fast food everyday and who cant even taqke care of his own needs...I know my responsibilities..I sacrifice my time for the family and now u want me to sacrifice my friends? NO FUCKING WAY! I'd lose my sanity if I don't have them around coz right now, I am on the brink of madness@!#!@!


I don't need to be consulted...I don't need to be advised..I just want..some peace and quiet....away frm all this mayhem..coz let me remind you one more time..I am not some gawd damn kid. STOP TREATING ME LIKE SOME PIMPLED TEENAGER..coz u know why...I ain't like u mum..u're insecured. U need people to serve u. I don't need people to tell me what to do. I have my own life..i respect urs..I respect ur decision to not cook food for the family coz u don't like ur food to be criticised in any way even if people are jz telling the truth coz u f**k well asked for it. But above all...I need u to respect that I have my own personal space..and PLEASE..dont..step on it. Jz..get out of it. PLEASE..

Binge Eating

hello..

actually I dreaded today. Okay, I know u're thinking that it is probably over work..or my family..like what is else is new. Surprisingly no..although they are already an integral part of my life whether or not i like it. Still, I dread this day coz it is one of those 'i-can-never-eat-enough' days. And when I was reading the papers (uhm..ironically, i only read the Straits Times on Tuesdays jz for its Digital Life section), they had this article about binge drinking. Eh, that sounded awfully familiar except that I probably have heard of binge eating..but binge drinking? what on earth is that? Turned out that it's just talking about those pub crawlers who are on an overload of alcoholic drinks..and uhm..the reporter who did that article actually had to take note of the average distances between the pools of vomit spewed on one whole stretch of road lined with pubs...GAH!! And they're like..*bbrrpp*...everywhere! Forget about the distances! We're talking close proximities here! Imagine the cleaners swearing to death the next day and then thinking what is going to happen to the future of Singapore. Haiz..the young people of singapore...who'd rather spend their time downing in multiple shots of vodka rather than memorising their multiplication tables. Now don't look at me. I know I don't drink and neither do I have a single blood cell of political inclination in me either. So nope..am SO not a future leader.


Gawd..let's talk about MY future at stake here! K..more like...'WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?!!'...It has been a long while since I last felt like I just couldn't get enough of food. Nibbling here..nibbling there...crunching here..crunching there..it's almost driving me insane!!!! Im like..k...eat a stick of biscuit..k now...eat a packet of biscuit...uhm..what else is there? *opens the fridge*...oh, one ringlet of cheezels...one bite of whipped potato..right right right..now what..oh..two three pieces of fries..and the list goes on! Im trying my best to keep this under control by taking one or two nibbles or eat half a stick of the long thin biscuit. But I have this gnawing uneasy feeling in my tummy that's urging poor ol' me to just binge eat or one big fat heavy meal!!! NOooOOOooo...!!!!!!! *must....con...trol......my diet........* I know the only solution to this is to simply 'sleep' off my hunger but I can't be sleeping like what 7pm in the evening! I'll be branded as a lazy..er...pink animal with a snout..by my mum!


Okay...even as I am typing out this entry, my tummy's hurting. Earlier on, maybe due to me getting caught in the rain for two freakin' straight days in a row...and sleeping freakin late..I got this headache that made me rather paralysed for like half an hour before I got hold of myself. I simply gave in but not exactly 100% in..that would be sleeping going straight to bed (am so tempted to do jz that!)...when I recalled that I had yet to get a copy of today's papers and today is Tuesday. I mz get a copy of it. I'm not exactly a computer geek but I like reading short notes on I.T. stuffs although recent issues touch on repetitive topics like 'gaming' over and over again..and didn't they just write several articles about female gamers? Not to look down on them but Singapore has yet to reach the standards of our American counterparts whose strength in gaming equate to preparing for the Olympics. Like okay, obviously..the ratio of the male gamers is more than that of the female gamers based on gaming history. But to write articles about them over and over again..haiz...for what man? As much as I appreciate the attention femaler gamers are getting nowadays...I'd rather read about articles on gaming strategies. Okay okay..don't talk about gamers alone...almost every week, a huge chunk of Digital Life is dedicated to the world of gaming just because Singapore is veering towards gaming competitions which give away very lucrative prize money in US dollars. But it's so sad to know that it's beginning to sound more like an economic tactic as a creative way of racking in the dollar signs. In the end, what is there to benefit socially? More broken families? More school drop outs? I'm not saying those who game seriously will lose track of their lives and start building their lives after the virtual world. But then..the knowledge to be gained in the I.T. world is endless and give me articles with good tips and techniques that will make me more aware of new developments and softwares out there so that in times to come, if there's a need to troubleshoot pc problems, like when the pc starts to act funny,we roughly know what may have caused it. Okay before even going into 'troubleshooting', oh..how about ways you can protect ur pcs with both free and paid softwares available on the net or in the market.


Then how about a more creative side of I.T. say...written articles on graphic designing or web designing.. I admit there were a few good articles written before of which I do keep copies of them after chucking the unnecessary bits straight to the rubbish bin. We need to keep up since computers have already shaped our lives as they become more affordable compared to the past. Therefore I can't imagine reading one gaming article after another. Im not a gamer..unless...you count me playing Sims 2..hehe. Hey, it's not easy k especially the latest expansion called 'Open for Business'. I mean every Sims 2 expansion pack is challenging but this one? Very challenging..seriously need very good eye and hand co ordination or you'll risk losing ur business perks and worse..customers. Don't even talk about customers..the staff I hired? They're as good as the display stands.


I know it's just an accompanying paper plus it's FREE and all but tsk...free doesnt mean you have to be all stingy on facts and figures. ANd hey, I still pay 80 cents you know for the main papers. Enough to buy me a packet of milo to kill off my hunger for at least an hour.


Im feeling so sleepy now and I can feel that my hunger pangs are almost dying. Hopefully, my day wont be as dreadful as this. Geez.I spoke too soon..they're back.





Monday, June 19, 2006

Pull Up ur Socks

Hello...
actually, i have no idea how to put this across coz my blog isn't that 'secretive' anymore...uhm, thanks to some curious georges around..hehe..But anyway, I shall put this across bluntly. Don't feel bad about it. I didn't mean to make you feel down or what and I know exactly how u feel coz im not that secured about myself too. It sucks, isnt it? But let me tell you..sometimes, when you look at it in another way, in a more positive way, maybe..jz maybe..it can make you think otherwise like if she can do it, why not me. And im not asking you to join crazy horse and bear ur boobies or something jz coz those ladies can do that (Singapore..pfft..crazy horse will be more like tamed horse anyway but that's another story). What im saying is..don't get yourself down too often. Tsk..im rambling like there's no tomorrow..probably enough to drive people away. Can I just go straight to the point?


If you ask me, Im rather sick and tired of being told how I've lost weight..how i've looked better now compared to then...but honestly, as much as i have been retold of these comments over and over again (even today)..it doesn't make me roll my eyes like 'heard that before'.. or what. Really! It's like a celebrity being interviewed and asked the same things over and over again..say over the last movie they made that gave them that fame factor...guess they're thinking not again..haiz..but what the heck? I'll just grin while answering to make them happy. After all, if not for that movie, I'll still be sweeping the floors in the cinema theatre. Right..im just exagerrating.


But what Im saying is that...I only get upset when some other people who are also suffering the weight problem like me...felt rather down when they compared themselves to me. Like..they're thinking..she lost weight..and what have i..Im just getting chubbier and chubbier. And it hurts me when they looked at me and suddenly they lost the appetite to eat or they jz kept comparing themselves to me unconsciously over and over again whenever I see them at work. After that they gave a big sighz..and said that the more they see me..the slimmer I get. You should see the sad look on them or how their big appetite to wanna eat something..suddenly get tossed out of the windows and they'd just get something small instead. I would ask them..that's all they're having? Better get more..if not they'll get hungry later. And they would remark..narh..I'll put on weight..or..Im getting fatter.


Come on girls...if there's one thing which I dont want you girls to feel is....remorse. Believe me..losing weight is not an easy thing to do and it takes lots of sacrifices...lots of 'mind over matter'...and true, there are definitely no short cuts to it. Pills? I did went through a relatively short period of time on those pills for like less than a week. Did I benefit from it? No. So, it's always back to the same old thing...a good diet and lots of exercise. To lose weight doesn't equate to losing ur appetite over the food that you love just coz you think that u're gaining weight while other people who used to be of the same wavelength as you..start to show improvements. Im not saying Im showing a great deal of improvement. I cant judge myself that much from the view up here...but maybe I 'feel' lighter and still I think, I have a freakin' long way to go. I gave up a few times. You can ask my friend about it. I felt so down that after months of trying to lose weight..which totals up to a pathetic two three kgs only..in the beginning...I put them all back plus two or three more of them coz I got sick that whole month. I just couldn't bring myself to exercise on the threadmill without chocking coz I can hardly breathe with my blocked nose and throat. So I took the risk and hoped for the best even though I had less than three weeks to go before my birthday.


It wasn't only that incident. How about that last february where I wrote one heck of a lengthy blog entry regarding how I felt I wasn't losing enough weight. But girls...in life, we come across numerous road blocks. Honestly, I do feel bad when the girls whom we used to feel rather dejected together, coz we're like chubby, kinda felt that they are left behind. We used to try to console one another with comments like my uhm..my infamous comment..'If we think we're big..remember..there's always someone bigger than us'. Now, I felt like I let them down. As if I am joining the rat race to see who lost more weight and who can look like one of them girls on the streets.


Trust me girls...I am rather liberal in my advice when you keep asking how I look slimmer and slimmer each time you see me. And it's true girls..I am not on any diet help or what...and yes, exercising and cutting down your average meal portions at least half...is a big help instead. So if you ask me time and time again hoping for me to 'crack' and then tell you what dietary help I have instead...it's not gonna happen. why? Coz I seriously am not on any dietary help like some slimming formula or pills. Trust me. Even if celebrities keep proclaiming that they lost weight fast with the help of so and so....they still don't eat as much as they want to and their active lifestyle keeps them on their toes which hardly make them put on any more weight. To lose more yes..but to gain more..hardly. You dont know exactly what they eat when off locations and what kind of exercise regimes they go through. For all you know..they will exercise after midnight if they have to given their tight schedules when everyone else is sleeping.


Come on...dont make me write another entry in regards to this. Like I have said time and time again...if you put your mind to it, in anything not just concerning losing weight...and you are determined to get to where you have targetted urself at..sometimes, the impossible can become the possible.


If you need me as a pillar of strength when you are struggling to lose weight and to keep them down or even have trouble in terms of controlling ur appetite..just drop me a comment here. I sound like a grandmother now..coz I believe this isn't the first time wrote about it. Coz bottom line is..Im rather upset that here I am eating the piece of chocolate cake which was part of the tea break provided while the other person chose not to eat coz she looked at me then felt down a bit when she compared herself to me unconsciously. Dont tell me if they're around me I have to go into hiding or something jz so they can eat in peace. Do what rahayu says now k...cut down on ur portions and u will see results okay? Jz go beyond the barriers and grab ur jogging shoes and do two rounds for a start round the park near ur house instead of just looking at it like some public decoration. If you sighz and keep saying that it will never happen..it WILL never happen. As simple as that. Give urself a break..and give me a break too yah. I want to help you..not put u down. It is never in my intentions to do so.

Im a GeeK















We all have our insecurities and yesh, I have retold time and time again, this thang..it grabs hold of us (gawd i'm being all 'brokeback' about this)..and then guess what? You're somehow delusional as to whether you're being all 'perfect' to people or you're just thinking u're not good enough. FOr me, I just feel that I ain't good enough. At least when it comes to guys. I just have this mentality that you have to be 'something'..in order to impress the opposite sex. I mean, I don't perceive myself as someone worth being loved...as what is attached to me is a boring and flat personality and that home, is where my heart lies. Im just not the 'beyond the doorstep of my home' type...straight into the envitable more fun stuffs like say..being part of the clubbing scene or whatever stuffs there are.


Yesterday, my friend and I decided to check out this small porch outside Plaza Singapura where 98.7fm deejays were carrying a Singtel mobile road show. Actually I was more interested in wanting to get up close..but not necessarily personal (though that will be quite an option)..to Shan Wee, one of the deejays. Okay, I was dead nervous when I realised the close proximity that I had with Shan coz it was such a close contact kind of interaction session between the deejays and the audience..which by the way, was just a smattering of 'em. My friend..I guess she was driven nuts by my antics as to whether to go up close to Shan or not..and when he presented to the audience a question and I knew the answer to it, she kinda pulled me towards the centerstage. I just didn't want to make a fool of myself lah..hehe..although the answer seemed damn obvious enough it was 'moblog'. Okay, first impression when I saw him, I couldn't tell the difference between Shan who is freakin' tall and skinny and wearing a black shirt, and the tall black vertical panel beside him. It's like..gawd..he's so blendable with the panel! What's up with guys who are skinny..eat something for goodness sake!


So it was also a bonus when they were also having a mini competition between 5 finalists of the deejay contest where deejays showed their skills with the turntables. Great beat...and it just got better with the last competitor. Aahh..for once, I didn't waste my weekend Saturday. But uhm...it kinda was a bit the funnie standing amongst the younger people..probably in their late teens or early twenties. Eh..like as im So much older than them..haha...but whatever. They look too young for my taste anyway. Even Shan Wee is one year younger than me..whats UP?!


They had this mini competition among the audience (thank GOODNESS i strayed away from the center platform) where each of the four people pulled out had to do a small dance routine based on a famous club song. The first one was great..very impressive..very..er...dancey. The second guy danced like uhm...a demented chicken. The third and fourth contestants were women and yeah..it was so typically 'beyonce' or 'pussycat dollsy'...with the butt and hip swang thing. Yawnz....


But turned out, the last contestant who was a babe..in the opinion of ANY average hot blooded man...won. Me and my friend thought like hey..just because the audience were mostly the male species and obviously had the hots for her, and she won the dance off thing. The first one was clearly the winner leh..what the hell. And so one of the guys got to dance with her for a short routine but he was being such a dork trying to impress her with his crazy dance steps. I could imagine that if this was taken place at some club and not infront of some audience, she would have snubbed him straight away. I would anyway..


Okay..so we had our little conversations here and there and how she was telling me Terri Hatcher who wrote a book about her insecurities. I was like..Terri Hatcher..tat infamous Desperate Housewives star..insecured? Then, what am i..delusional?! But heck, when you're insecured, you don't have to be one fat ugly duckling..or duck..if you go by my age. When we went on with the topic on guys..I was telling her how I felt that sometimes, whenever it was rather clear that some guy somehow noticed me..I would turn away especially if hes cute or handsome...coz I don't deserve his attention.


But sometimes, in life, you have to be a bit more relaxed like you can't put too much hope in something. Or in my case, to think that Im just not good enough. Like hey...it's not like I am sitting down cross legged doing nothing but watch the world go by. Im just scared that guys may be disappointed to know that the girl they just got to know spends most of her time working and then acting on her responsibilities towards her family. If I am by myself, I will do stuffs usually within the confinement of my room like watching movie on my pc..writing stuffs...playing the Sims..surfing the net while listening to the music..as if my world revolves around my computer. Hey, I can't help being a geeK and if you don't like it, can vamoosh.


I try to make my life a bit more interesting each day but I always end up doing stuffs Im used to doing everyday. that involves sitting infront of my pc for hours on end. Haiz..like I said, life is way too short and instead of feeling sorry for myself for doing mundane things like they're part of the necessities in my life...I should do other things or else stop thinking Im jz not good enough. In this case, looks like it's back to the drawing board..meaning, to plan my day and not have things planned in my head and not written in black and white. If not, I will just succumb to the usual stuffs which I auto just go to straight away.


Don't get me wrong. Im not trying to create impressions on the opposite sex. Just like what I have mentioned before about me wanting to lose weight was never intended to make myself look more attractive for them but it's just a personal thing. I just want to make sure that my life is lead towards a more meaningful one..the ONE that will not put me down and make me think Im just not good enough for anybody. Sometimes I don't care what people may think about me..but I'd be lying if I say I don't feel guilty about sitting down on my butt for hours with my eyes fixated on the pc.


Okay, starting for tomorrow, I will do things that are veered towards nirvana..heh..who am I kidding. I mean, at least when I go to bed at the end of the day and in the early night, I don't go..man..I just wasted my time. Haiz..better blow some dust away from my planner and plan my day for tomorrow. Ah yesh..just as I was about to end this entry, I just received a good sign of hope: Jason Mraz Geek in the Pink playing on the airwave. Yup, we have this psychic connection thing goin on..impressive eh?

Sunday, June 18, 2006

What about?

Sometimes it is easy to misunderstand someone..to make sweeping statements...to make assumptions from the way the person behaves and how he or she sounds. But often, whatever we thought out the person to be is exactly the opposite of what the person actually is. People like me don't usually bother about what people think of me. So what if they think that im kinda proud to talk to them but in actual fact, I am nervous as hell to talk to them. I guess after years of experience of being put down or to be misunderstood, over time you don't really care. Fine if they know the real me once they actually bothered to listen to me yak instead of just taking pity of me and hear me out for the sake of hearing me out. But im thankful if they bother to get to know me and then realise hey, this girl isn't what I thought she is...infact, im hooked on her! Okay i just added that last part.


So I would say that is how I assumed my step cousin to be. I have so many step cousins coz my late grandfather adopted quite a few kids being a religious teacher back then teaching these very kids who later became his adopted kids. My father? He is actually the only one carrying the real blood but as a kid and later teenager, he wasn't exactly a saint. So his parents kinda found joy in the rest of the kids..haha..Well, anyway this step cousin of mine who is male and two years older than me...I have not seen him for so freakin' long and like I care how he might have looked like or something. But that few days ago, prior to my dad's appt, his mum insisted on keeping her promise to ask her son to send my dad to have his haircut. I was like..gawd..do you have to...inside my head..coz seriously, the last thing i want is them interrupting our life. And im still not over the fact that she was making quitee a ruckus at the hospital. Apparently she was not happy with us not informing them about my dad's hospitalisation and how it was so difficult to get through to us and that i never topped up my dad's prepaid account.



It was not because I did not want to inform them but i was jz keeping to my dad's wishes on not to let anyone know coz it'd probably gonna take a few days. Ok fine..for me, his health matters most than anything else. But close to a week, my mum said it was best to inform them and so she did. Still, that woman not happy coz 6 days later then we told her. There she was worried sick over my dad's condition ever since the last hospitalisation. It wasn't because I didn't inform the other side of my dad's family at all. I did okay..to another of his younger sibling who called me twice and twice I informed him that my dad will be hospitalised on which date. I said that he was okay..and he was waiting to go through the second operation but he still insisted i inform his sister personally and that my dad make a call to them. Not my fault he didn't want to inform them personally even though he was asked to call us. The second time he called me I was like a bit pissed off whenever he made like a personal attack on me saying I wasn't being nice when I didn't inform my dad that he called. Bloodyfarkinghell..I did ok..dont piss me off when Im working by throwing off this accusation. It's not my fault too when my dad was too weak to make the call as he is also having some other medical problem. He didn't want to call as he'd rather sleep than tell them personally that he's doing okay. Man, I hate his family more.


Like I said, I was also kinda pissed when they didn't do anything and didn't know anything also about how I sacrificed my own leaves from work to accompany him through his appointments at the hospital. It saddens me really when people know how to talk only...and how 'bewildered' they seemed when I didnt send him to the hospital once coz I didn't manage to get leave. Ever since then, they were extra concerned like as if we didn't care about him when he missed his appt at the hospital and went to their house instead. Until now they keep thinking we...I..didn't give a damn.


So imagine how upset i felt when his sister called me last thursday saying that her son would be fetching my dad to go for his haircut. My dad already told her that I would be sending him to hospital for check up after taking half day off. Okay, so fine..go for the haircut then send him back and leave us alone. But later on, when I missed the bus to go back home (by that time I was fifteen minutes away from home already) and had taken e afternoon off from work, she called me again. She said that her son would be sending my dad back home and what time was the appointment and what time I would reach home. Im like..come on..give me a break..Im not in a good mood already for missing the bus and the next bus was already taking ages to come and was afraid I'd missed the appointment. I was like 'okay..okay..' all the way but infact, I wished that it would stop right there and I'll take it from here...meaning, sending my dad for his appt at the hospital. haiz..imagine my surprise, when my cousin called me and asked me how long I'd reach home. I said that maybe fifteen minutes time..then he asked me again if I need to change or something..so in my monotonous tone of voice..I said no...i just need to send food back home...then i'll send him to the hospital. Then he said okay...i'll wait for u downstairs and i fetch u to the hospital but bring along his things like his wallet and appt card coz he didn't bring anything with him. Okay, I started to panic..I was like..Im not gonna take his car! I definitely don't need his help in sending us to the hospital. man.....it started to suck big time!


So I thought he was waiting for so long already but apparently he had not reached yet and I had quickly went out again. I didn't want to call him coz I wasnt sure where he was downstairs with his..car...which I had no idea how it looked like. My mum asked me to call to ask for his whereabouts while I was begging for her to come along with me. Then, okay so I had no choice but to call him and thank goodness, my dad picked up and said he was on the way already. Right..........he made it sound like he freakinly reached already and I panicked for nothing. He was driving so he couldn't answer. Not as if I wanted to talk to him anyway.


Okay, so after a few misjudgments over the car..geez..imagine my stupidity for walking here and there coz I got the cars wrong whenever they turned in, he finally arrived. I recognised my dad..for obvious reason..when he was sitting infront. Then my cousin was in the driver's seat..yawns..and he was wearing something rather smart looking with his pair of blue shades..yawns again..and I went in the car. I noticed he was looking at me from his rearview mirror despite his eyes being all covered up with his shades. Then I said casually to my dad eh u cut your hair already..he said ahh..and my cousin said he looked handsome right? I just faked a smile without looking at him and saying well..quite lah. He asked me if I had eaten already and I said yah and then pretended to be busie by reorganising my bag. I guessed he got the hint I dont wish to be disturbed after that.


So it was silent all the way and my father didn't talk either. Okay, maybe my cousin didn't feel easy also but he was just carrying out his mother's wish to send my dad to the hospital. Just as I felt rather elated that we were reaching already suddenly he turned his car to the basement carpark..and I was like..damn! Don't tell me he is coming along?!!! Haiz....so he was looking for a parking space while I was out of my wits already...and oh, bored to death with the radio station playing the malay channel and at that time, they were just talking, talking and talking..I was so tempted to take out my mp3 player and just listen away but I didn't want to leave any impression on him that I am not an 'angel' like him listening to two boring people yakking over some serious topic on what..I have no idea..


But imagine my surprise when just as he was looking around for a parking space, he turned on his own cd which contained songs of profanities (that infamous f word) said in practically every line. I heard of the two songs before and I do like it but I was being rather emotionless like who gives a damn. Still, I was rather shocked as he knows my dad was still in the car and probably understood the meaning of it yet he still played such songs but I was assuming my cousin was OH SO religious like his mum and my dad's extended family. Still, that kinda changed a bit on my perception on him that he was just like any average guy.


When we went out of the car, I knew where to roughly go as his appt was at medical centre and arrows were showing where the lift to the centre was. He was clueless lah and he asked me where to go from here. I just said medical centre and we walked while I was looking out for my dad and he was doing the same thing too. Then while waiting for the lift, he asked me again if I had eaten and I said yes. Okay, im not surprised if he had no idea what to talk to me about..then he asked me what card was my dad using for his phone..starhub or singtel..I said singtel then I talked to my dad saying I didn't manage to get the top up card yet as it was often sold out.


He followed all the way to the clinic and kept asking me where to go..yawns..then I went in quickly first and registered him. He was with my dad and then when told of the room already he asked me which room and I said room 18 then he ushered my dad to the seats. I would usually sit in the other line of seats but then after my dad sat down, he said it's better to let him sit the other side coz it is nearer..and dont i think so too. I was like okay..like i bothered..and he helped my dad to usher to the seat. Then after we sat down, he said isn't it better here..like okay whatever..then he went out. I thought he was going back and I felt like wah.finally..but i remembered eh, he wouldn't just leave like that without informing my dad. So much for the anti climax. I called my mum and said that my step cousin followed all the way to the clinic. my mum was also surprised and said for what..I told her like as if I Know why..jz maybe the mum thought I don't know how to care for my dad. After my dad was called in for his eye check and then asked to go to another room, as we were walking, I didn't look out for him to tell him our whereabouts...I asked my dad if he wanted me to get soya bean drink as he had not eaten and was rather hungry. But he said it's okay..wait until everything is over. Then as I was talking to my mum again, he called me and asked where I was. haiz..so he was coming back..probably after smoking...I said outside room 18. Then just as I put the phone down, I realised he left me a message asking 'where are you' but all the while, he was talking to me in english with a smattering in Malay. Like again, I wouldn't expect him to talk to me in English..or it would have sounded too casual but apparently he did. So that surprised me again..


I didn't look out for him because I wasn't exactly sitting outside room 18 as there was not much space left to sit the both of us. But then I saw him standing behind from a distance and I just left him there. I mean if he wanted to find us, I don't think it was that hard and he'd probably spot us later. Then after awhile, he came back and I saw that he was carrying some sandwiches and a mineral water bottle and had it opened for my dad. He was passing the bottle to him and I wanted to move away from him and I was also on the phone with my colleague regarding work, and I told my dad that i want to go toilet. My cousin looked at me like as if he was thinking I was trying to avoid him. Uhm..he was half right about it.


Gawd..I can finally breathe again and I told my colleague that my step cousin was with us. She asked if my cousin was male or female and why I said step cousin. I told her about him briefly and I said I really have nothing to talk to him and he was being quite a bother. But she said don't say that and told me things that I can ask him about. I told her that his mother told him to take a day off to accompany my father like as if it was necessary. Of course my colleague was more excited that since he is just a 'step' cousin, then eh..we can still marry what..*vomits*...


When I came back after combing my hair and then buying soya bean for myself and a piece of pancake, I saw him cutting my dad's nails slowly to avoid attention. gawd..what was he trying to do? Okay fine..he was doing something 'good' but what is in there for him. Okay, whatever...he saw me and said he got me some bread to eat and I said no..and showed him my soyabean. He continued to cut while I sat beside him and I was tempted to sit infront instead but I didnt want to leave another impression I wanted to avoid him..coz I thought i left too many hints already..haha..Then my cousin tapped on me with a top card that cost twenty bucks and I took it as an insult like I couldnt afford to get the card myself. So I got my money out to pay him back but he didn't want to take it. I felt quite bad coz twenty bucks was quite a lot and some more, my dad is not HIS dad..and again, I thought why he even bothered to care for my dad. While he was cutting his nails, I found a spot near the window to eat my pancake and to drink the soya bean coz I didn't want to offer him coz like duh..I only bought one for myself. When I sat down back again he said to me that my dad was feeling cold..and i only remarked monotonously that yeah, he cant stand air con.


Okay, as usual..we had to wait quite awhile but I never tried to converse with him although he did make an effort or two to try to talk to me. I was on the phone on and off with either my mum or colleague. When the nurse called for my dad, he got her attention and then the nurse asked us to sit nearer to the room. So he helped my dad again to shift then when the nurse tried to verify my dad's name, I jz nodded my head but he was thinking if the spelling was correct. You see my dad's name is spelled in the not so usual way so I understood if he was thinking like that. Then we sat down again when my dad was given some eye drops. I continued to chat on the phone and I could see from my side view that he was on the phone too. I didn't message him back just now in regards to where we were sitting as he called me already right after that but I was wondering if he was waiting for my message or what. Then later, what seemed like an eternity, he came up to my dad and gave my dad ten dollars. He said that he needed to go and fetch his sister because she just called from his workplace. I felt quite bad lah coz apparently, he has a lazy elder sister who didn't live that far from home yet insisted he send her back and it would be quite a journey as from where we were, it wasn't that near to go to his sister's workplace which is at another hospital. Still, before he left, he looked at me and said that he had to go but without looking at him, I just nodded.


I know that throughout my entry, I didn't come across as friendly at all and may appear to be rather mean sounding. Look, I can't change overnight something I have moulded my mind into over the course of my life, especially when my mum and i are often at the brunt of their cold shoulders. I don't know what exactly is their motive...like why they were being extra nice to us...and okay, maybe they thought they have a right coz we're after all, family. But why at this point of time when my dad is sick and why not all this time when my dad took the trouble to visit their home every hari raya which is a day among family and friends..to ask for forgiveness..to tighten the relationship and so on and so forth? My dad hasn't been having medical problems only recently but infact for so many years already but after my grandfather passed away, suddenly they felt indebted to my family since my father is the tightest kin after my grandfather. I don't know if they felt bad too that they have used my grandfather's money saved over the years for their ownself as if since they had taken care of him in his last two years, they had the rights over his money. And is it because after they have squandered most of the money which, rightfully, should go to another relative of mine as she had taken care of him for a few years even though my grandfather wasn't her own grandfather. Then is it also because, when they have stopped liking them and when they were often scrutinised by my elder uncle and auntie over the money issues, my dad didnt create a din over it but chose to be quiet. He jz didn't want to be involved even though my grandfather was his own real dad.


I seriously dunno if they felt grateful to him that he didn't treat them any differently that they realised that even though we're not exactly related by blood, my father didn't make it an issue. I mean..whatever...I just don't want them to get involved in our matters and this isn't over them using up the money or anything. I just cant stand accusations that my mum isn't being filial to my father and she made her point saying that she cleaned up after her own husband because she didnt want to pay the hospital extra just for the nurses to help do that as she can do it for free. So, it's totally up to you to judge me as being too emotional or whatever. For me, as much as Im glad that they offered us a ride and that maybe I have misjudged my cousin to be like his dear ol' mummy...Im not about to renew our family relationships. Thanks but no thanks.


Wednesday, June 14, 2006

Confidence=Attention?

Okay, from today onwards, I am going to be more serious towards my blog. I know I haven't been writing with much seriousness, although writing passionately about Lt Horatio Caine in CSI:MIAMI undoubtfully IS serious stuff, I guess i should give more thoughts. I mean I still won't stray away from writing with both my heart and soul on things that affect me like my father's medical condition, our family's financial problems..that sort of stuffs..coz they are real and avoiding these issues is like refusing to do anything about it. And I do want to make a compilation of my writings and these writings are evidence of my eyes, my ears and my heart about life's ups and downs. Sorta like a mini biography except that I am not paying anyone to write the book for me. Okay so I don't have a life of envy or a life people would avoid like the plague...but this is my life and whether or not I like it, it is here to stay. And while it is here, might as well make use of it.


Kinda surprised i received a comment for my blog through my email and what striked me the most was the opening title of the comments. it was rather long and written by an anonymous blogger which i doubt the name given was even hers. Why I was surprised? Okay, first of all, it is a well known fact tat I don't quite make an effort to let people know I write a blog. Second of all, I thought that her comments didn't seem to fit in the few entries of journal I had written so far in regards to csi:miami or even about my dad. The person asked me to stop looking at fashion magazines and I should start loving myself as a human being. I shouldn't feel so guilty about how I looked if somehow rather, i am not satisfied with it. I was also thinking I don't remember looking up David Caruso in any fashion magazine either...and what the hell he was in there too. Okay so I did a double take. It was actually directed at a past entry I did in february after the last gathering with my friends and I felt rather down coz I thought I didn't make any progress in terms of my physical size compared to my other friends. Also, it was quite a blow to me as I did lose 10kg that time and you know how it's like to even lose 1 or 2kg, it was tough enough already. Still, I didn't feel that confident...ah yes....the issue of 'confidence'. At times, I felt like shooting myself in the head whenever I had the urge to compare myself to people. However, nowadays I only admired how some girls looked good in the kind of gettup that I would at times wear with their shapely legs. Meanwhile, I'd looked like uhm...someone WAY too out of shape..but it doesn't bother me that much nowadays as much as it used to affect me quite badly which resulted in such a depressing entry. I would tell myself...that right now, important thing is..I must look good in my own terms not according to the standards already set by other people. Besides, I am losing weight..not gaining them...so that's a plus point. It means I have not lost my focus on achieving my target weight loss. I am progressing..not digressing..and if I think other girls look good...well....they deserve the praise coz rahayu seldom praise people..hahahahaa...but no, not because they look darn better than me. That's rubbish.


So I would say to other girls who are in the same spot like me.....who keep pulling themselves down coz of how 'different' they look, don't do that. Love thyself..if I got my shakespeare right..heh...but, in layman's term, improve on your well being, eat healthier food choices and try to squeeze in time for exercise at least twice a week and at least for twenty minutes. Yeah I know....you've probably heard this a gazillion times and if someone was to say the same thing to me, I'd risk vomitting even though I am not sick. But sometimes, they're quite the money saver and you don't have to spend so much money on those slimming programmes who probably have to recuperate their losses after spending so much on celebrity endorsements. Look, if someone like me who have gained tremendous weight over the course of more than ten years, and then to lose it all back AND more, I don't see why you can't. Sometimes, the logic is that if you want it, you have got to earn it yourself. And that's where the mind gets to be a powerful thing. It filters out all the negativity and tries to psycho you into making the right decisions. Of course if it was easy in the first place, I would have started losing weight yonks ago and be successful at it. Some things take time to practise and that lots of sacrifices need to be made too. But once you start seeing the results, every piece will start falling into place. Believe me.


And over the issue of guys. Somehow, I don't see why people like to link aiming to lose weight to aiming to win over some guys. I mean please......people want to lose weight over a hundred reasons; not necessarily guys. For me, if whenever I mentioned anything about having a lack of confidence, often I don't associate it as the reason for not having a boyfriend. It's utter rubbish. We should look good for ourselves..not for the cute guy next door..although it wouldn't hurt to make his head turn. STILL!! My point is..don't always think that if a girl says she is not happy about her looks or her body or anything, it means that she is thinking of her unlikeliness to have a handsome boyfriend, hopefully marry him one day and bear children with his good looks genes. SUCH an understatement. Sorry to offend whoever you are dear anonymous commentator but I kinda disagree with you regarding the part where one day, guys may flock to us unexpectedly even though we are dissatisfied about the way we look in one way or another. I mean nothing wrong to say that especially if a girl keeps putting the blame on herself if no guy seems attracted to her or she just got rejected by a guy who thinks she is not good enough for him. Well f**k such guys..they're f**king shallow who think girls should kiss their feet first with her luscious sexy lips. But I jz feel that we should not measure ourselves based on how many guys throw secret glances at us or give those dreaded wolf whistles. It's just dumb.


Okay, I wouldn't deny that hey, if the guy is farking cute and HE notices me, of course I would even be higher than cloud 9...like maybe the 69th cloud or something. Like the other time when a cute guy, and I suspected friendly too as he was talking and smiling at the same time to the cashier (aha! a multi-tasker!) and then suddenly he noticed me at the other line as I was turning to talk to my brother behind me. When I turned back it was my turn to notice that he kinda stopped talking halfway and then kinda looked at me and as if wanted to smile or something. GAWD...he is SO cute and he had this bit of eurasian look....but I was so shy. For me, I was rather impressed that he didnt' mind carrying the one or two bags of groceries unlike some other guys who wouldn't be caught dead carrying a bag that doesnt contain some sports gear or I.T. gizmo like a laptop.


But, I am not in the mood to be in any guy's good book..or..heh...his 'to-get-the-phone-number-of-whoever-she-is' girl. I guess you can STILL say I have yet to grasp the fact that I am starting to garner a bit of attention a bit here and there. Life's rather complicated for me at this moment, and so I'd rather stray away from 'getting to know handsome strangers' mode. Still, I don't rule out the game of friendship rather than relationship as it wouldn't hurt to add one more friend to my books. At this moment, you can say I am pretty much like Jason Mraz who enjoys watching the world moves without being tied down to anyone. Being single is cool...as long as he says so..hehe.


Okay, so with this I would say my thanks to that commentator for giving such a sound comment and you can have my assurance tat I won't let my confidence level be affected by the way I look. I wouldn't say that confidence comes naturally to me either..whether or not I see myself as fat, but something of which not all have it like they're born with it already. what's more important is that you are true to yourself because after all, at the end of the day, we're just human prone to making mistakes...but most importantly, learning from our mistakes. For me, I must learn to try accepting myself for who I am and not to look down on myself whenever I caught some cute guy's attention (hopefully again!). I mean why must it always end up with a relationship and to me, just to be friends with a cute guy is like meeting Jonathan Rhys Meyers in real life. That means....Im still somewhere up there on a cloud what ever its number may be!!!!!

Sunday, June 11, 2006

Fork in the Road

hey,

know what? well yah..i havent been writing real stuffs..stuffs that are happening in my life..although I would say it's not that i have been whisked on some island with jason mraz crooning at my ears all day long..and night. Just that..uhm..it has been rather stressful. but Im hoping that it gets better. actually, I always hope for that. the only other thing I am hoping for is that the central provident fund is able to release my dad's retirement fund a bit earlie. I don't know if they are able to release it and if they do, I do hope that they don't be stingy about it. It is not because we're greedy or something...like we can't wait for him to turn to to 62, the average age of retirement in singapore, but it is so that my dad doesnt need to work as hard as before. I've talked about his medical condition and how it bothers me that he may not be able to work as he seems to get weaker and weaker. I would say his condition is slightly better since the day he left the hospital for the second time around. But, things don't change overnight. Or things simply don't change anymore and the best thing that we can do, is to either try to accept it or try to find alternative ways. For me, whenever there is a window of opportunity to help the family in one way or another, then, I'll try to grab it. It is not going to be an easy journey but life doesn't present you with a straight road ahead. At times, we do encounter a fork in the road and you have to pick the right path eventually.


I wish i can write longer. But, uhm....I got to catch csi:miami!!! RIght..talk about a serious opening topic.

Saturday, June 03, 2006

Csi:Miami Freak!

You know what..i am so freakin' excited coz i jz entered a contest in regards to CSI:Miami! I love that show..dont mind me..and if you're into the original CSI series and view MY miami as lame, then...why are you even reading my blog? haha..narh, as much as I respect ur views, I don't like My miami to be lambasted like it doesn't deserve the airplay just as much as CSi original. I've said it before, and I'll say it again. All the three CSI series are great in their own way and caters to people with different views..different opinions..uhm..different mental threshold on the gruesomeness of the graphical forensics and dead bodies. Jerry Bruckhemier, creator of the three CSI series is a brilliant man..and he did make a huge huge effort differentiating all his shows while retaining the same concept. I don't say that CSI:Miami is the best of all (although I am so freakin' tempted to say that) but without the original series ending its one of the previous seasons, I wouldn't have been introduced to Miami. Yeah, sure I thought..great..a COPYCAT...and I don't reallie fancy that one dude..Eric..though I still hate him now..haha. But overtime, eh..what am I saying..that first single episode had me hooked till now.


And I thought, to win the contest, is to ultimately declare me as their ultimate fan. Okay, if I don't take part in it, I'll only be a sore loser. It simply asked if I were to lead a csi team, which one would it be..The Miami team..or the New York team. Both of these cities, are hugely related to my hero CSi Miami supervisor, Lt Horatio Caine (even in real life), and incidentally the up and coming two episodes to be showcased next week shows the transition of one fugitive from one city to another. And that...got Lt Caine hot on his heels, along with the numerous murders on the way, and that means..I got to see him in two freakin' hours!!! Man, I've got to make an early reservation on this coming tuesday. Oh, by the way, I don't know bout csi:ny though...but I do know that this csi:miami is actually the latest season to be showcased which is season 4. I am so excited to watch the next season although it was recently that they concluded the filming for the season. Next year, they are going to film for season 5 of which its storylines are being kept in the dark..even the actors themselves have no idea..although they guessed that there will be far more actions. Season 4 basically features lt Caine in a different light as it affected him personally when Miami's most famous gang went after him and his loved one (yes..he got married..bloody hell) and it become personal after his new bride died...*sniggers*..(alright im cruel). I mean, throughout the seasons, Lt Caine was portrayed as one who is unafraid of threats imposed by the gang members as they were captured for bombings...murders..drugs..attempted bombings...(Dunno why they love to blow things up)..and I would say they were getting more and more impatient with him. I mean, duh..it doesnt take a genius to figure out that he will eventually be their target next..as he was always standing in their way as he believes in standing up for the victims at all cost. Well, season 4 proves to be the ultimate revenge season. By the way, the rest of the characters, I've read the storylines of their characters..and I would say...some are a waste of time although CSI Ryan Wolfe would have a bit of a limelight in this new season being under the scrutiny of the FBI and a rare eye disease. Apparently, there is a mole in the department, of which the identity will only be revealed towards the end of the season. The mole has been dispensing information to the federal people which caused a lot of chaos which eventually led to the closing down of the lab which was a huge problem. The problem being it would hamper investigations especially for the last few critical moments.



I know David Caruso has been under a lot of flak especially by die hard csi fans. I know that...he has these trademarks..like standing with his hands on his hips..his sunglasses...and his rather one tone voice. But give him a break will ya? YOu don't know his character well. I mean, his character as Lt Horatio Caine. Caine may be seen as cool as ice of which he seemed to be lacking of emotions. But he has gone through so much in his personal life being one full of anger and rage after seeing his mother died in the hands of a drug dealer. Even at a young age, he witnessed violence infront of him claiming innocent victims as people of that time were strong revolutionarists fighting one bloody war after another. They believe in the things they stand for and will fight for their rights even if it means having to die or kill someone. But seeing people dying right infront of him, and believing in the words of his mother, that one's strength doesnt lie in his hands but in his mind..he chose to seek the help of the police to help capture his mum's killers. He found his calling to use the strength of his mind to protect the city and not the strength of his hands..to protect the city obtaining a deg in chemistry and joining the police academy.


So what you're seeing is Caine as a three dimensional thinker and someone who believes in his gut feelings and you don't expect him to jump around as a monkey do you? I mean..every leading guy must be a lunatic is it..full of anger and emotions and a revenge seeking mind (like tom cruise in MI3). The real caine isn't like this but one with a wicked sense of humour and who is as easy going as hell..but the FBI's is continually on his lookout and just waiting to grab him by his collars if he ever make a mistake. Even his own people are not let off by them easily as this time, Ryan Wolfe will be their next target after Delko, Calleigh, Dr Alexx Woods and even one of their lab's assistant. So Caine has to be 110% into his job and cant afford to let his guard down because he not only has to protect the city..but to protect his 'baby' which is the Miami Dade's crime lab and the people in it. It is the only place that can help speak for the victims by finding the evidence and the eventual killers even if the finance department is unhappy when he makes big purchases of the latest equipments as he is willing to do anything to get the job done.


If you don't understand his character, it is easy to label him. It's like judging a book from its cover. So just let him off will ya? And what are you trying to do comparing him with the other leading guys in the csi franchise. Don't you ever learn that there is more to a story than meets the eye after watching csi for so long? Oh, and that you should never assume? I just think that you should focus more on the storylines rather than on the character themselves instead because eventually, the show is not about them. It is about finding the truth. Who cares if one character sucks but each character is designed to have one or two kinds field of expertiese to help assist in the investigations. Like I don't really fancy Eric Delko coz his personal life is one f**ked up mess but as a CSI, he is a crucial member to the team with his leading expertise in underwater recoveries and fingerprints (he just knows where those darn fingerprints are in hard to find places) and a team player as well..unlike Ryan wolfe. I mean, Ryan's cute but I have yet to see his potential as a csi except that he is rather cocky.


So, if you don't like his character and you make a huge effort to declare that at every internet forum on csi, then might as well..just shoot urself. In not saying that you should like every character. My write ups above is only to defend David's portrayal as Caine..nothing else...and I respect ur opinions that you don't like him. So? Does that make a difference to my life? NOpe. I just dont like the fact you don't know his character well enough and you drop judgments just like that.


Whatever then. May the spirit of the CSI franchise never dies!!


Thursday, June 01, 2006

First of June

So today is the first day of june and I hope this is gonna be a whole lot better month than the previous one. Hey..what is this ah? One month good..one month not good. Tsk, as if my life is not complicated enough. Anyway, I actually planned to write this blog yesterday but I got distracted halfway. Uhm, was watching brokeback mountain again from the start instead of replaying certain scenes..hehe. Now, in case u think that Im a sick bitch seeing two guys in love with each other, Im not that. And yes, I am 'straight' and that guys..like aren't they God Sent or something? I've never seen a movie where the love is so pure..and that it doesn't appear like every 5 seconds or something. I mean too much affection can be so blah..anyway. It's great communication baby..and the long period of absence that make two people just yearning for each other.


So, before I am gonna do the whole gawd damn paragraph about brokeback, actually, today isn't actually a good start of a day either. I started the morning sending my brother to the bus stop as he had remedial class a 7.30am. Gawd, so freakin early. If you ask me to go to a class that early, I'm like..'ah fark it..' But the totally 'I-hate-doing-this' thing gotta be waiting for a cab in the morning! Like what the hell....I thought there are like an abundance of cabs out there and I actually took pity on the taxi drivers especially if there is a long line of them but no passengers around. But now...I don't know if I should be pitying them or cursing them. Man! Everytime mz wait at least half an hour before a cab would actually come my way and stop. It's either 'hired' or 'on call' or there is NO ONE in the cab and they refuse to stop. Eurgh!!! And the MOST ultimate thing that got me so freakin' boiling mad when the taxi driver actually bypassed me slowly when I hailed it down to go the couple of women behind me. GOd DAMn!!! What the FARK!!! I hate to drop judgments like this but if he chooses skin colour as the basis of finding his passengers, good luck in finding income! I waited for more than half an hour and the women waited for like ten..and THEY GOT THE CAB FIRST!! Is this a cruel joke or what? Man, I was THIS close to calling up the call centre to report about this incident. I actually pitied my father who has been rather weak these past week ever since he stopped working for awhile. He had been standing there for long even though he didn't show that he was weak or what at that time. We were also late for his appt with the Tan Tock Seng Hospital regarding his eyes. But curse that taxi driver! Okay, I already scolded a bucket load of swear words already to him and also curse that he'll meet with an accident on the way to sending the women. Look, if you were me, you would be doing the same thing.



Right..enough about taxi drivers. I can't say much about them. I am not angry with them overall but whatever it is, don't be choosy. My father has been a taxi driver before and I know it isn't easy earning money. I know that there are certain times of the day or week that they can earn more but don't cheat us passengers. We are also trying to make a living here and if i'm given the chance, I will definitely NOT take cabs coz of their unfixed additional chargest at times. But coz of my father's condition, I have no other choice. So sad, that if they think they want to earn quick bucks like that such as only turning up out of nowhere when we book them after waiting for so long. They may jump for joy when they earn the booking fee from us. But like I said. Don't cheat us out of our money. I am not saying that they shouldn't earn booking fee. But tsk...don't like hide in a corner waiting for a nearby booking order to come on and drive their way there to a taxi queue for example, where people have been waiting for a gawd damn long time. Pain you know, standing for such freaking long time...esp if im wearing heels...haiz. Just be honest. Dont cheat.


Anyway, u see! Im digressing right now. I want to write about positive things not stuffs that make me so freakin' mad. But come to think of it, what's a blog if you don't express yourself out. Just that it'd be nice to write something totally positive since the previous few entries don't really sound good. I haven't come out of the situation completely and I don't know for how long will it last. But eversince that, I have been trying my best to control it and be really patient about it. I hope my father will recover quickly and be strong enough to start earning money. Im not trying to make him some robot or what but I am also thinking in terms of my family. For now, I have relaxed a bit compared to the very tension days I had prior to yesterday. Somehow rather, I have to learn to accept facts and adjust my lifestyle here and there..or control whatever I can. If I cant, then don't fret on it. We have one life only..might as well not spend a chunk of it worrying away. I am sure that every family has its own set of problems, and some even more serious than this.


Oh yeah, one of my concerns that got me so upset was seeing my dad getting worser and worser for every clinic visit he made to the eye centre. The doctor kept saying that his diabetes did affect his vision especially when in three long years, he didn't take medicine at all. But he was doing fairly alright already except for that glitch in his eyes which was diminishing away when he went through a few laser surgery. He even could go down to the clinic himself and even took a bus followed by an mrt. Before that he could even wait for a taxi. Then he could even go to work. Now, ever since that faithful day when he missed his laser surgery due to me not taking my leave that day as I forgot, it just got worse and worse till now. He needs to be guided and he seems weaker and sleeps all day except in the morning. I want my old dad back..I don't need him to be suddenly youthful. Just the times when he was okay before that faithful day in march. Or at least when he took a trip down Little India himself taking the nel mrt line on his own a few days after his surgery on the left eye. Now, a week later his left eye is rather cloudy coz the doctor said there is a slight blood clot due to the diabetes which haven't completely gone away. The good news is, it will clear up but may take up to a month before the vision improves. This Saturday he will be going through another operation on his right eye, which is in a worse state than his left eye. The doctor will try his best to operate although it may not be 100% successful since it's in quite a bad shape already. But I just agree to the surgery as for me, my concern is not to get it completely 100% okay either. At least give him some sight. Even the older people in the clinic are pretty independent and can still see and walk around although they are visiting the same eye clinic as us. Like he is not even in his 60's yet but poor him, it is like he is already. Please God, I just hope his condition will improve.


I told my colleague that I try to put up with my job as much as I can and not to complain and fret about it. I mean, at this point of time, I can only be thankful that I have a job to pay the bills at least. I mean who likes big scale changes anyway. But every job is sure to have changes and it's a matter of adjusting or to move on. I choose to adjust coz I can't think of my own selfishness. I need to see the bigger picture, which is my family. It's not that I will work in this job forever but if there is a better opportunity, why not. But I may have to start from a lower pay stage if they go according to education level pay range for a govt agency or statutory board post. At this point of time, I can't take that risk yet. Not wih my family needing me right now for support. Sure, jobs in the private companies can give me more money too as they're independent of the govt and not under some price control plan or something. But just as they are willing to pay much more, they are willing to drop you just like that too or pay u lesser due to various reasons. They make the rules and they can break the rules too. And you have to play by their rules. This is basically the benchmark for any company too be it the govt or private agencies.


My father's admission today has been successful. I managed to ask my way out of work to send my father for admission even though it was nerve wrecking thinking about how my supervisor was going to react at a last minute as well as risk taking decision like this. Like I told my mum, this hospital thinks that I own this company..as and when I can walk out and run errands then come back. I know my colleagues have been telling me that I jz need to tell her and of course she'll understand as this being a dire situation. But, rules are rules and I know she's really playing by the book. She's putting herself at risk too if she lets me claim time off even though I have yet to perform the Saturday duty. Don't worry. I don't make or break promises easily. If she's kind enough to let me off like this, I will definitely turn up as I have always been doing that. It's a way for me to repay her trust.


I suddenly remembered I have stuffs to do but I spent two hours watching videos and also watching the live performances of Gorillaz in New York. Although the performances were creatively done with featured singers as well as children's choir and another choir group...oh, and also a chinese lady playing a zither, I was a bit disappointed that Damon Albarn, the lead singer, showed his face. At first, I thought it was a cool concept that he is finally on stage singing and not behind the scenes doing the vocals. It was even cooler when he was initially in the background and then the background colour changes while still shadowing him in the back by the piano and his mike. But towards the end, he actually got up and reacted with the audience while walking around as the lady was playing her zither. I mean, it kinda takes away the animation element and also the mysterious element of the band which actually make it all the more unique and standoff-ish from other bands. I know people already know that he is the lead singer and which group he came from previously..blah blah blah..but I just feel that he and the other co creator should be faithful to their initial unique concept of using animation. I don't know if it has anything to do with their grammy winning single which gave them worldwide recognition. It's like they're so famous now, might as well ditch the original concept and bask in the arms of the masses. Still, I liked his performance and the choir's performance for the Demon Days single. And I also like the performance of the children who were so very energetic while singing to the anthem of Dirty Harry. It's basically about children in war and how they should just be happy children doing their own things. It's sad that some war torn countries, young children are already trained to use a gun or any firing weapons like a rifle. Kids with Guns is one of the songs in the album about these children.


Well, let's hope things will take better turn and Im hoping for the benefit of everyone. Live a more meaningful life before it's too late.

Light to Night Festival 2019

This is a free festival by the National Gallery Singapore around the City Hall area which you should go. I went for both events which was...