Self Conscious
Shoot. I have very well planned what to wear for the 3 day writing course at Buona Vista because I didn't want to waste time going through my clothes which would be a huge waste of time. And we're not even talking about the time spent after showering. Oh, and this time, I am SO freakin' determined not to be late because rahayu is well known for her poor time management because she is a freakin' lazy bitch. But this time, I don't want to be stressed out when coming out of the house..waiting for the bus..the mrt...changing of stations..etc etc because at my age where anti-wrinkle solutions are the 'in' thing, I don't want to create wrinkles to avoid spending extravagantly on these products. You do know im talking nonsense right? Narh, actually I just want to prove myself that I, Rahayu Popz, can afford to be early if she puts her mind, soul and body into it. Plus, all the core leaders will be there so if you're late, be prepared to answer for it. Stupid....and to think they are of the same rank as us but they're just given a different job scope (infact a harder one) which includes supervisory rule. Whatever it is, you're just like us lah so stop acting like your pay is so 'up' there. Tsk, didn't I promise myself not to touch on the issue concerning the imbeciles? By the way, I was early, thank you very much, but I had to wait for my other colleague but I didn't mind because she used to wait for me in the past and Im just repaying for it. Just make sure she's not super late...hehe..
MOVING ON....talking about my attire, I can be very very self conscious of myself and to be honest with you, I don't like it a bit. I always feel as if Im being 'watched' so everything has to be prim and proper, hair in place, stomach tucked in, posture straight..alamak, kalahkan selebriti sey! You know what does that tell you of such a person? She lacks self confidence. If you know me as a person, you would have agreed a bit but not to a great extent because I can be jovial and crack wise ass jokes even though I don't mean it as a joke but I guess Im just very laid back lah over many things like who gives a damn...NOW you know where my punctuality issue comes in from. I wish Im more of a laid back person when it comes to what people perceive me to be as when it comes to my attire. Many a times I tell myself to just go with the flow and as long as my skirt is not hiked up, my top doesn't peel up to show my navel, my sleeves don't fold up to show my pits...people won't look at me all funnie but I still feel so out of place.
In case you dismiss me as being shallow, I just would like to highlight to you that my bad history of being taunted at even in pre university made me the way I am and even though, I am less self conscious that I was before, the difference isn't that much. I don't forget what people say to me easily even if it seemed to be just some harmless comment and even though I can let it go and not let it affect me that much, I will forever remember the comments given by some insensitive twits. Oh, and their faces too when they say them. Im the kind who doesn't retort back to the twits with no brains but slowly I'll move away from them which at times set them wondering on why I avoid them. At times, I would think too 'eh why ah?' but a quick recall will make myself move further away from them and I would rather risk having lesser friends than to hang out with some people who bring me down.
But what I don't realise is that such comments do have an impact on me albeit quietly like a ticking time bomb except that this one, will blow up inside me. I don't think I'll go around shooting people like some crazed person but I will be badly affected psychologically. It is just like those teenagers who are anorexic or bullemic and even though it doesn't take a genius to see how freakin skinny they are, they are unable to see that for themselves in the mirror. This is because their brain is so starved of nutrients, they can only conjure up a fat image of themselves making them go through drastic measures to change that 'fat' image. Scary isn't it?
On one side, I am glad I know what is anorexia or bullemia and their effects that I don't starve myself out or purge out the food I have eaten. But on the other side, I can't seem to shake out people's negative remarks towards myself when I was much bigger than now that at times, I admit I sometimes failed to see that I am no longer as big as I used to be. Like what I have said before, I have always been big sized for the last 24 years even as a kid so please don't expect me to envision myself as suddenly 'different' because it has only been last year that I last weighed at my heaviest of 97kg.
I am very very thankful for all the positive comments I have been given and knowing how hard it has been and how long it has taken me, I can understand why some people may not be too kind with their comments towards me. I know that they too have tried their best but having little success. Trust me, I went through such phases A LOT and during my early secondary school days and my end of pre university days, I binged a lot like a bullemic except that I didn't purge the food out. Frankly speaking, I am not angry towards them even though I was hurt because it felt as if they were belittling my efforts. But to think again on what made them say such things, I can only understand their feelings too well. I just hope that in return I can have their understanding that I am not used to my current size even though I know how much they may want to whack me in the head for not being 'thankful'.
Like I said, compared to 24 years of being a size 20, to less than a year of being a size 12, please support me emotionally. Please help rebuild my low esteem by telling me that I dont have to be so self conscious of myself because frankly speaking, most of us are not built for the runway. You have no idea how wrecked I can be inside when outside I don't seem to be having any problems. That's the problem with myself because overall, I can accept changes easily but when it comes to my own personal changes, I find it harder instead. Funny isn't it? Anyway, at the same time I do try to help myself a lot by prep talking to myself. One typical conversation may go like 'gal, the blouse you're wearing right now...can you even fit in it the last time? No matter how much you sucked your tummy in, it would STILL bulge out. And XL sized? Pfft....forget that. It can never fit you and the norm is usually XXXL and how often does sizes come in like that?! Very seldom right? So be thankful that now you can even wear a size M, like hello?! Remember where you used to come from!'
It is an everyday battle for me to just 'let it go' and be as merry as I used to be when I was 97kg. Yes, I WAS merrier even at that weight and I only felt down when I saw myself in the mirror for like less than 5 minutes. Other than that, I was very carefree and even looked at guys without being self conscious until it strucked me a long while later that hey, they won't even look at me because duh Rayu, you're too fat for them lah! Why the hell am I talking about this issue even though I promised myself many times that I shouldn't dwell on my low self esteem too much and concentrate on building it instead. One reason was that just now, during tea breaks and the lunch break outside, I was almost surrounded by guys around my age group because they were also having their courses there. Suddenly, I felt so so so self conscious. You know how guys like to look just to 'check out' the crowd even though they may not be solely fixated on you but everyone else as long as they look around the same age as them. OH, and that they're of the opposite sex. I know that their gaze is a general one and may happened to land on you coincidentally if you happened to look at them (but if you know me enough..hee...my gaze on them may not just be a mere coincidence) like you're looking at a typical crowd. But I would feel so much like Im being scrutinized from top to bottom and doesn't matter if he's a cute hunk, someone's father, or just a female checking to see what nice blouse I have. Oh, if you just want to know for the heck of it, it was a feastful of eye candies!!! kekeke....mostly guys, I assumed it's one of those jobs like the navy or the police. Many Malay guys so erm...I think police lah. Haiya...next time wear your sexy uniforms instead.
But you know what people?! While typing out this blog, I just figured out the solution to my self conscious being which makes me slap my forehead for no reason. IF the older pic of me will make me appreciate my current self more and make me less self conscious, so I'll put that pic in my wallet as a reminder! Shall see how it goes tomorrow if it is going to make any difference and then....I will tell you my findings. I DO want to get better and to start being more appreciative so I can also stop torturing Mariah (hey..I put up with my 'Loos' monicker, don't i? hehe..) with such ramblings too coz..believe me..I am sick and tired of putting myself down too but I can't seem to get out of it so easily.
Hrm, let me see what pic I can use...
*to be continued...*
MOVING ON....talking about my attire, I can be very very self conscious of myself and to be honest with you, I don't like it a bit. I always feel as if Im being 'watched' so everything has to be prim and proper, hair in place, stomach tucked in, posture straight..alamak, kalahkan selebriti sey! You know what does that tell you of such a person? She lacks self confidence. If you know me as a person, you would have agreed a bit but not to a great extent because I can be jovial and crack wise ass jokes even though I don't mean it as a joke but I guess Im just very laid back lah over many things like who gives a damn...NOW you know where my punctuality issue comes in from. I wish Im more of a laid back person when it comes to what people perceive me to be as when it comes to my attire. Many a times I tell myself to just go with the flow and as long as my skirt is not hiked up, my top doesn't peel up to show my navel, my sleeves don't fold up to show my pits...people won't look at me all funnie but I still feel so out of place.
In case you dismiss me as being shallow, I just would like to highlight to you that my bad history of being taunted at even in pre university made me the way I am and even though, I am less self conscious that I was before, the difference isn't that much. I don't forget what people say to me easily even if it seemed to be just some harmless comment and even though I can let it go and not let it affect me that much, I will forever remember the comments given by some insensitive twits. Oh, and their faces too when they say them. Im the kind who doesn't retort back to the twits with no brains but slowly I'll move away from them which at times set them wondering on why I avoid them. At times, I would think too 'eh why ah?' but a quick recall will make myself move further away from them and I would rather risk having lesser friends than to hang out with some people who bring me down.
But what I don't realise is that such comments do have an impact on me albeit quietly like a ticking time bomb except that this one, will blow up inside me. I don't think I'll go around shooting people like some crazed person but I will be badly affected psychologically. It is just like those teenagers who are anorexic or bullemic and even though it doesn't take a genius to see how freakin skinny they are, they are unable to see that for themselves in the mirror. This is because their brain is so starved of nutrients, they can only conjure up a fat image of themselves making them go through drastic measures to change that 'fat' image. Scary isn't it?
On one side, I am glad I know what is anorexia or bullemia and their effects that I don't starve myself out or purge out the food I have eaten. But on the other side, I can't seem to shake out people's negative remarks towards myself when I was much bigger than now that at times, I admit I sometimes failed to see that I am no longer as big as I used to be. Like what I have said before, I have always been big sized for the last 24 years even as a kid so please don't expect me to envision myself as suddenly 'different' because it has only been last year that I last weighed at my heaviest of 97kg.
I am very very thankful for all the positive comments I have been given and knowing how hard it has been and how long it has taken me, I can understand why some people may not be too kind with their comments towards me. I know that they too have tried their best but having little success. Trust me, I went through such phases A LOT and during my early secondary school days and my end of pre university days, I binged a lot like a bullemic except that I didn't purge the food out. Frankly speaking, I am not angry towards them even though I was hurt because it felt as if they were belittling my efforts. But to think again on what made them say such things, I can only understand their feelings too well. I just hope that in return I can have their understanding that I am not used to my current size even though I know how much they may want to whack me in the head for not being 'thankful'.
Like I said, compared to 24 years of being a size 20, to less than a year of being a size 12, please support me emotionally. Please help rebuild my low esteem by telling me that I dont have to be so self conscious of myself because frankly speaking, most of us are not built for the runway. You have no idea how wrecked I can be inside when outside I don't seem to be having any problems. That's the problem with myself because overall, I can accept changes easily but when it comes to my own personal changes, I find it harder instead. Funny isn't it? Anyway, at the same time I do try to help myself a lot by prep talking to myself. One typical conversation may go like 'gal, the blouse you're wearing right now...can you even fit in it the last time? No matter how much you sucked your tummy in, it would STILL bulge out. And XL sized? Pfft....forget that. It can never fit you and the norm is usually XXXL and how often does sizes come in like that?! Very seldom right? So be thankful that now you can even wear a size M, like hello?! Remember where you used to come from!'
It is an everyday battle for me to just 'let it go' and be as merry as I used to be when I was 97kg. Yes, I WAS merrier even at that weight and I only felt down when I saw myself in the mirror for like less than 5 minutes. Other than that, I was very carefree and even looked at guys without being self conscious until it strucked me a long while later that hey, they won't even look at me because duh Rayu, you're too fat for them lah! Why the hell am I talking about this issue even though I promised myself many times that I shouldn't dwell on my low self esteem too much and concentrate on building it instead. One reason was that just now, during tea breaks and the lunch break outside, I was almost surrounded by guys around my age group because they were also having their courses there. Suddenly, I felt so so so self conscious. You know how guys like to look just to 'check out' the crowd even though they may not be solely fixated on you but everyone else as long as they look around the same age as them. OH, and that they're of the opposite sex. I know that their gaze is a general one and may happened to land on you coincidentally if you happened to look at them (but if you know me enough..hee...my gaze on them may not just be a mere coincidence) like you're looking at a typical crowd. But I would feel so much like Im being scrutinized from top to bottom and doesn't matter if he's a cute hunk, someone's father, or just a female checking to see what nice blouse I have. Oh, if you just want to know for the heck of it, it was a feastful of eye candies!!! kekeke....mostly guys, I assumed it's one of those jobs like the navy or the police. Many Malay guys so erm...I think police lah. Haiya...next time wear your sexy uniforms instead.
But you know what people?! While typing out this blog, I just figured out the solution to my self conscious being which makes me slap my forehead for no reason. IF the older pic of me will make me appreciate my current self more and make me less self conscious, so I'll put that pic in my wallet as a reminder! Shall see how it goes tomorrow if it is going to make any difference and then....I will tell you my findings. I DO want to get better and to start being more appreciative so I can also stop torturing Mariah (hey..I put up with my 'Loos' monicker, don't i? hehe..) with such ramblings too coz..believe me..I am sick and tired of putting myself down too but I can't seem to get out of it so easily.
Hrm, let me see what pic I can use...
*to be continued...*
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