Monday, October 31, 2005

Me Blind..yet Beautiful


Okay..not maybe in u know, lurve...............I mean, basically, since my feet haven't been givin' me the itch and scratch problems anymore (as long as I stick to the same shower foam..heh..), and they don't look all yucky with severe discolourations and unsightly burnt dark and red marks..Oh, so in lurve with them..that I might have a feet fetish, ha! And no longer do I have that unsightly markings of this pair of sandals that I wear, every single day..even on weekends and on every day of work. Now that my feet look nicer a bit, I can afford to rebuild back my shoe collection. And soon enough, I'd say 'hello!' to shorter skirts without traumatized by people staring at my ghastly scars! Ahh..yesssssssss...blissful life indeed.

But my eyes are giving me problems. I want my new glasses, pronto! I have been traumatised enough, not just by my blank stupiDo face whenever i pass by mirrors in the mall. Right now, my eyes are suffering from the prolonged usage of the contacts and err....accidentally sleeping for like half an hour (reallie it was an accident!) that caused my eyes to be irritated. Once, i took it off after like one of the contacts dropped to dunno where as it no longer has that 'gripping' effect despite lubricating (Gawd..that sounds SO like a condom ad) it. It fell thrice..even with the slightest rubbing of my eye as it could no longer retain moisture. SO be it..I am not at a losing it was just a sample pack. But what a pity..since it is free and all.

And what was the result of writing and walking around with just one lens in one eye? Red eyes..yup..practically bloodshot eyes that even got my supervisor noticing it when I was hovering around his table..(err..too free lah). And like what..he took almost 5 minutes just talking about my sore eyes...until I found myself stuttering coz I had to like..erm...say the same things over and over, as he kept looking at me as if prompting me to keep on saying even though I was u know..done and over it. Whatever it is...I scooted off after this which he then said 'bye!' coz he tot I was leaving early..and I shouted saying 'I'm still here lah!' FYI..we're still NOT good friends or what, k? It's just a matter of pretense..............

Talking about my supervisor..let's talk about my ex supervisor. ex supervisor..yes the one with the infamous name...he is always in hot soup with our dear lady boss. Guess she forgets that you don't have to shout to let the whole dept (especially if it constitutes kaypoh people like me..) hear about it. He is already scrawny looking...and yet, u're adding more burden to our dear sweet 'ol supervisor..i mean..EX supervisor..and ex crush. Yupz..I was lame lah that time..heh. Anyway I still like him wearing white which he did just now..heck..I like yuppy guys to wear crisp white work shirt or whateva u call them. They're so cute..and err..humble looking. DOn't ask.

Anyway, my supervisor's simple remedy to just take out that lens from the right eye (and er..risk my life knocking into some lamp post?!)..had me thinking..uhm..yeah hor? So I did lah coz I tot I looked stupid already..don't make me walk around with just one. And guess what? I still can see (it's a miracle!!)...but of course lah, as if I am blind or something. Just that..I cant make out people's faces, small pictures or numbers except resorting to squinting but this isn't advisable..coz I ahem...trying to maintain a wrinkle-free face. But sometimes I feel..that not somewhat a good thing also. You become less self conscious...and the other day when I wear a skirt that shows off my ankle, Iam not wary that I didn't look at my ankles and imagining that people are looking at my almost invisible now...huge dark scars. For once, I am in my own world. And yeah...not looking at people's faces when walking make me less 'desperate' a sense, I don't self consciously look at potential chinese males (good looking..not too chinese looking but still chinese..young macho..with newly developed muscles..and coloured hair, though ah bengs may be seriously disqualified)....and try to match myself to them..k, stupid trend of mine now.

So it's good..definitely good. I guess my spectacles breaking give me this new found of freedom that I never had coz of my heavy reliance on my specs. Hey, maybe I should do this often even my new specs are ready. Anything to give me a boost on my self esteem...and to be in my own little world where my imperfections are almost brought down to zero as I don't feel as though people are looking at me as though i'm weird..and it makes me less desperate looking...err..until the next bus comes along and I need my specs to see the number.

I.T. Geek at Work!


gosh, contact lens can do the weirdest thing to for instance me fugly...damn if i am not already......fugbeautiful..heh. I have this totally weird look on my face..that begs to be criticised by some passer-bys..When can i have my decent pair of specs?! It was so bad...that the sales person in the optical shop was kinda looking at me...I dunno what the heck he was looking at. Was it my dressing? My hair? The fact that I am quite blind and still walking around in the shop like I had some perfect vision...puzzled him? I dunno...who cares, coz u know why...I CANT SEE HIS EXPRESSION! Dammit..

but u know what? contact lens..they're amazing least, for other people lah, not me. It's like they have this ability to fit ur corneas (they're the coloured part of ur eyes lah in case u don't know..) and then let u think u do have perfect vision. Plus, they're virtually impossible to detect, unless upon closer inspection if their corneas are smaller than the lens. But those people who look into your eyes in a weird transfixed way, they have nothing better to do. Still, even then...u'd onlie see like a fine ring around the corneas..if they wear lens. I'm talking about that transparent one..not the coloured ones that will change the colour of ur eyes. But just for the record, if u wear such lens...I hope u don't prolong its usage...if possible, stick to the colourless the pigment in the coloured lens, actually reduce visibility by letting less light to pass through. Plus, there is a risk of the pigment leaking into ur corneas..without u realising it.

Then again...if u don't wear it frequently, it's a nice change of colour lah. But not one of those outstanding colours..not onlie does it change my eye colour dramatically, I'd appear as fake onlie..and worse, people can tell instantly that I wear lens. NOt good..not good...defeats the purpose of contact lens. Whatever it is...they're damn difficult to take care of. Coloured or otherwise. You are not 100% risk matter how careful and hygienic u try to be. Simple reason being each individual is unique...and so are the eyes..and u dont know how highly sensitive ur eyes are..until of course, u get some eye infection that can range from mild to highly infected. I'd say...invest in a pair of cool glasses..which reflects ur personality, whether u like loud designs, or simple ones but with that hint of glamourpuss? Forget about people calling u a geek or something...unless of course u wear ur grandfather's glasses ...still, would u care to have a healthy looking (not necessarily having the ability to see clearly) pair of eyes, or ones shrouded in 'cloudness' or angry red blood vessels?

Talking about being a geek...I feel like I'm such a closet I.T. geek. I learn new I.T. information almost everyday..and I especially, have the interest on reading about pc the software aspect. It's don't even know such things exist in ur pc..which actually have the ability to restore back ur system..or contain information about ur pc..that are so vital yet often overlooked. Like for instance, do you know that if u can get a certain timeframe before ur pc starts to do 'funny' things like having weird pop up messages or something, u can actually backtrack to the day before ur pc behaves in such manner? It can eliminate the problems and u dont even have to reformat ur system, like what many people usually do. But u know..not all problems can be solved this way, especially if ur internal hardware components are not functioning at its best, sometimes because of prolonged usage in a non air-conditioned environment. I'd say...if u have been doing ur work on ur pc or laptop non stop..give urself AND those IT gadgets of urs a rest. HRm...give them a rest more..who cares about u..hahaha..

Okay..and I am gonna sound quite harsh in this..but sometimes most problems associated with our desktop or laptop stem from us. Yes, us..the users. Like the computer won't start to download some data that can crash the system..if we haven't gone to the website with such data. Or click that potentially dangerous email attachment with the obvious clue in its name..that it can do harm to ur computer.

Whatever it much as ur pc helps you to do like so many is also very vulnerable. Save yourself the trouble or money of having to frequently call up the I.T. helpline or worse still, bring ur pc or laptop for repair every time ur system OFTEN? Trust me..whether the company u bought ur 'baby' from is some well known company or that it costs almost half more or twice than ur monthly salary...I'd is still vulnerable. Period. Download onlie when u think the source is reliable..or that it does not pose a big risk. Not sure? Better not download then..I will say better safe than sorry. Or invest in an anti virus software and let it be scanned by this software for potential viruses that can do much damage to ur system. However, don't be too reliant on this software does not spot ALL the virus. It can also practically give u a thumbs up for that particular software...and once u download, that's it..and there u are scratching ur head thinking..'I tot I ran it under the anti virus already?'

Simple reason. People are constantly thinking up concoctions of potential viruses more than the number of wet dreams that they have. It's so rapid that such softwares are deemed 'obsolete' when it comes to detecting the various viruses..that are either very new..or has been re-altered in its coding till beyond recognition or its previous counterparts. It's like a war out there..on who can crash the most systems and not being discovered. I'd from reliable sources. If u are out there..looking for software downloads, mp3 converter? Can go to or maybe and read the review, check the number of downloads..the rating......before downloading instead of downloading straight from some website provided by ur search engine. Chances are..when it is listed in such legal download websites, it is mostly likely placed under stringest tests by the staff, for example testing its usability (like useful it claims to be..)..before it will be placed under the web's software library. U can read more about the rating system..such as that from from this website..

Okay..this is a lesser known fact lah that most people don't know..provided by urs truly of one of the ways in making sure that the programme u r about to download is considered 'safe' enough. Haha...better not write too much lah otherwise my hp number will be turned into some I.T. helpline. I would still claim to be an idiot in the field of I.T. lah..hehe...or at least, pretend to be...because..uhm...there is more to Rahayu than onlie calling her for the purpose of solving or explaining their computer problems...*whistling and rolling eyes*...... ;P

Sunday, October 30, 2005

New SPecs on the Way! is it people can wear contact lens on a daily basis unlike moi? When I trrryyyyyyy to wear lens, it's like as if I'm exposing my naked face to the whole world..and it's not a very good thing. I feel like my eyes are not proportionate to my broad face, except for the eyebrows, nose and mouth. My eyes feel so insignificant...k, I was just being paranoid as I wear specs all the time, which to me, not onlie help me see the world, but also hide my imperfections, which is the mind boggling 'disproportionate to the whole face' eyes..

besides, I also wonder how people can even afford the luxury of time, trying to disinfect the lens, then trying to insert them into their eyes..right onto their corneas. Gosh, to me that's simply inserting a foreign object. I guess the fact that my eyes are not relaxed whenever I have to wear lens, for some occasions, that I tend to tear and at times, it can be a bit 'burning'. But it won't last that long...I just have to blink and relax my eyes. Still, I hate to wear contact lens.

And doesnt mean that lens help to portray my latest eye shadow colour, I am still subjected to NOT being so conscious about it. I always have this gnawing feeling that something is in my eyes...and I can't help but to blink quite often as there is absolutely no comfort to it. So, I don't feel beautiful..or even pretty wearing my lens even if it means people think that I have super vision as i'm sans specs.

Okay, for one thing, contact lens are not that cheap. So, in one way, I try to save money by limiting the use of my lens so I can go beyond one month for each pair...kkekee....yeah, I know...I's not good but hey, if you are not a frequent user of the lens, it means there is less germ right? Just have to make sure the solution in the lens cover is unused when u soak the lens. Don't reuse it already contains any impurities from the lens like protein build up and dust.

And oh yeah...yesterday I learnt a painful lesson. Never sleep..not even when u are just nappin for like 15 minutes onlie when u are wearing lens. A big no-no. Coz ur lens will be dry and taking it out is so hard. And u can get bloodshot eyes when u attempt to remove the lens..IF u can. I tot my eyes were permanently damaged or something when I just couldn't remove the lens on my left eye. It's like I can't even feel my lens! I'm like..'shit! where is it?' But I know it's still on my cornea lah when I still can if I'm wearing my glasses. But I guess, after almost 5 minutes of fumbling, and keeping my eyes open, the last time I tried again, it slipped off to one corner of my eyes. Gawd....I really tot I was going to need surgery to have it removed..haha..My eyes still had that small red dot of blood..indicating that I could have injured the surrounding vein, as I had to pinch to remove the lens from the cornea. But if it was a swift and quick movement, it wouldn't have happen. But it was practically stuck on it yesterday....oh'd be back to normal.

Oh, by the way....yesterday, I just HAD to buy a new pair of glasses as I ahem..broke mine. Gosh, it's like I have been toying with the idea if I should be getting a new pair but since I quite recently bought a 6 monthly pack of disposable lens, that cost me nearly 200 bucks..I tot it wouldn't be a good time. But since I am a daily user of the specs, it is subjected to wear and tear...both frames and lens. Thus, my glasses wasn't in its best condition despite me wiping the glasses often. But the lens had 'patches' on it ...something like the stains made from water droplets that it's impossible to remove. It just shows that the top layer has given away..and the tiny scratches on the lens, are not helping me either. And the frame is bendy already from prolong my face is quite broad, so constant stretching of the frame make it less flexible to retain its old shape after more than 3 years of usage. Therefore, it tends to slip off my face, downwards a bit, that I had to push it off so it won't drop off from my face. At times, it would actually slip off if i even looked down...and coz of these signs, I knew I had to get a new pair.

But ah...yesterday, I broke it..coz it was on my bed..hehe..but at the very least, it would onlie lose its shape and i had to 'mould' it back to the right one. But I guess, the metal is weak already from constant exposure to my sweat glands, the weather and me meddling with it to straighten it back...that it broke instantly. The connecting metal piece from the frame to the stem..practically broke into two. It was just like my previous specs too which lasted over the same duration. I had no choice but to get a new pair...haiz...Don't know if it's me or what...but the designs have been somewhat..ugly. Wrong colour combi..wrong this wrong that..I wonder if people actually wear them. But I had to get the plastic my skin is sensitive to metal. So haiz...I took a while just to find a decent pair..that looks er..decent..without some odd duo colours attached to it. I don't even know if it should even be called duo...when they are by far, not complimenting of each other.

And.............I found out something miraculous about my degrees. It went down..and the optician thought that the degree given to me for my left overpowering. Meaning that the previous optician gave me too high a degree. Actually, I didnt think so. I was thinking that she gave the correct one..just that perhaps my degree had gone down. Coz u see...for a long time, I wore them I had no problem. But recently onlie that I noticed that I can't see as well as I did previously, like I felt as if my degree went up or something. So, it was quite blurry..but I didn't imagine that it was because my degree had gone down instead of up that caused the bluriness. Amazing isn't it? The optician tot I went to those cheap stores...but actually nolah..I was so compelled to inform her that it was the same company as hers..just a different branch, but what the heck..too lazy to say. right now, while waiting for my specs to be ready, I have to wear lens..haiz..okay, okay...the onlie consolation I can give to them is that, it's clearer. Because for once, there is no uglie patches..and it doesn't block out much of the sun's rays as my lens. So it's much clearer, but I have to get used to the sun's rays..hehe..everything is so glaring suddenly.

Okay..hear from me again!

Saturday, October 29, 2005

Me not Love Sick


"what a lovely day, I say? when the gush of wind blows ur hair..and u think about *breathe* the last nite's sexual escapade with the scholar from down under who onlie speaks furby language..*breathe!*....oh what a lovely day, I say." lost in the world of poetry..which incidentally doesn't sound like poetry at all. anyway, wanna say what a sucky two months it has been. in suck eggs? SUckY. And to think it's supposed to be MY biRtdae month! And tot that hey..maybe october will be an exception..but proves to be the same. A lot the same. NOw what? Wait for november and see how things are gonna turn out instead? Yeowch.

okay...maybe there are better things to come...i'll never know for sure. Like when I had just turned 18, and had the worst moments of my life in that month and the following one month later. And guess what..a few months after that..right almost till I was about to turn 18 again..(heh..tot i was gonna give away my real age, eh?)...being 18 was the best year of my teenage life. I never felt so liberated coming out from my 'cocoon' and show to other people, besides my good ol' zany i can be..and 'cheapo' I can be too..hahahaa...I'm glad that people know there's more to me that what I always showcase a way of telling people to not bother me. In the end, I got lost in my own reclusive world that I felt so compelled to get out of I couldnt' stand anymore criticsm thrown at me. It's them..i'm this moron or something, who doesn't have friends...coz well....who would wanna be friends with someone who keeps to herself.

Whatever. Anyway, like I hasn't been good lately but it's not all good u see. I guess the onlie thing I can be contented for now is how much weight loss I had...and being in a new weight range I tot I'd never get back...was a relief. I was so close to the weight that I dreaded to it would be THE ultimatum..However, I still have a long way to go...and it's still a long battle ahead. I wanna thank my friends and colleagues who helped me with my problem..and didn't once stop believing that I could lose weight and look good like them. Right now..I am happy that I can wear a size lesser than what I would wear..and for once, appear bigger in my previous tops instead of rather fitting. Now I have to do this wardrobe overhaul...but since, some of the clothes I onlie bought them like this year..(and who knows if i gain weight again...*touch wood*..) I stilll keep what I deemed as still wearable. But I am still glad to buy some new ones as well! woo hoo! where is the SALE when you need them?!!!!!

Also, this month I actually 'opened' up what I had been hiding within myself eversince I stopped chatting on the net and knowing some guys from there. And when I vowed to myself never ever to make friends from the chatrooms again, and let guys get to know me as I am instead of being some pseudonym..I didn't know it would be so tough. My ultra weight gain..ever since I left school and went into this eating frenzy...crushed my hopes that some guy would at least look at me. I felt so dejected as I never felt so 'big' before..even though I am big for the longest time..onlie never made it into such a personal issue. And I had this big denial issue that NOBODY would even look at me...coz hey, I'm so fat..and so lame looking. Plus, I feel so unromantic...

But least I still enjoy being single. Really! I know u're thinking that I am just trying to comfort myself..but no. I guess it's better suited to my lifestyle in the sense I don't really go out a lot with my friends..onlie during work do I travel. But what I just wanted...was some form of friendship with a guy or two..ahem..the kind where ur friends swear they tot we're a couple..but we're not...haha.. So what if they don't end up being my boyfriend or something...basically, just a friend that I can treat like my other gal pals and having a differing point of view, in particular, a male point of view. Also, u know...go out for coffee or something..just hanging out at the movies..but no, we're not in love or something.

But I guess....when I think about it, it's not as if I'm lacking in guy friends either. Sure they don't go out with me like..err..just me onlie. Although me going out for lunch with my supervisor during work at one time..don't count..ha, but he still thought that me taking his tissue without permission was like...'eurgh...u!!!'...thing. But u know what..they're still cool to me. Maybe I don't have such luck as my other friend who got to go out on an unofficial date with someone she liked secretly. But unfortunately, he totally forgot about her later...then hey me? I used to have friends whom I had gone out casually also but once they got a girlfriend, it's like they totally forgot that I had to help them along the way, while they are nursing their 'what should I do?'..'do you still think she will still like me?'...doubts. Once it's like 'bullseye!'....I'm no longer in the picture...they no longer called longer messaged me..and when I tot that narh..maybe it's me who didn't, I proved myself wrong. I tried to keep in touch with them..but they ignored me I never existed. Like I never ever helped them or listened to their constant whinings over the gals they liked and how hard it was to confess their love.

Trust isn't easy to hear guys whining and some sick puppy on where they would go to for their date..what music they will play for their gal..and yadah yadah....I'm like..'oh..okay..that's a nice when are u going to ask her out?' And they'd be like "I dunno...sighz...she still can't get over her ex'..and naturally, I'd be like..'uhm......u never tried asking them out..u know casually lah..for a movie or something?' And they'd say 'I dunno...but I think she's not the one lah..but...I dunno..I still like her..' ARGGHH!!!!!!!! I had this urge to say to them..'DUDE! WAKE UP!' but I felt like I never had the pridviledge to get to talk to guys, so as draggy as the conversation can be..almost everytime, I had to endure. Did i even mention to you that they rarely asked about my well my day was....I had to always be cut off by them. But sweet ol' rahayu was never the one who'd say 'OI! I am talking here!..'

I tell ya it has not been such a major issue to me in regards to this...'why am I so unlucky in love' thing. Sure, I'll think about it but never has it overpowered me. Until of coz..I had to watch some movie that I got in touch with my soul and brought up that image of the guy from some place..coz it was the last guy I got to know..although over official issues. I never fancied him...really..just tot that he is cute the more I meet him on different days. Plus, knowing how sweet he was in remembering my bdae in which we onlie like met for 5 minutes the last meeting when he found my bdae was coming.

For a fact, I am not desperate and I'm super glad that right now, eversince I stopped watching that movie over and over again, I'm back to being on the ground level. But it hasn't come to a full circle yet...still, I do learn a thing or two over that 'romantic' period of my life thang..u know how I am more in touch with my feminine side instead of moving along the hours in a monotonous manner. I neglected taking care of my nails and skin..but now, I appreciate my looks better now. I am also thinking on how I can try to dress better...improve on my personality..and so forth. But now..I am doing it for the right reason..not for the wrong reason. I am doing it for myself..not for the next guy I would attract.

Oh yeah...and over how normal I am. I tot I hardly have feelings for anyone least for someone who is a non-celebrity and as common as I am, a Singaporean and not some Australian or American dudes I saw over at Orchard Road..haha...but still, they're gorgeous. Thank goodness I still lurveeeeee guys...flirting with them on a friendly basis...haha.....even though they have girlfriends in the form of friends. Hey, u girls got the best guys! They STILL are not attracted to me...sighz...hahahhaaaha..Oh, and not all yuppy Singaporean guys are stuck up...or have eyes for pretty slim girls with porcelain skin and wearing super nice clothes only. Yeah, I very much learnt that...I've seen girls who are around my size or even bigger...have guys who look like they'll date a model anytime...showing much love to them. I don't aim for these guys lah...or want to have a boyfriend like them. I just feel that S'pore guys can be so sweet at times. Just look at AzamtheHunk too!

I don't know if the guy I met at the particular Singpost was being nice and friendly to us as part of work only. But he was oozing with sincerity on wanting to help me and my friend..and especially me when I felt dejected that I wasted my time there..onlie to be told I am a few weeks shy of the official age. The next meeting, he was still sincere in helping us that it was almost like he knew us before this already...and that he was doing us a favour as a friend and talking to us like one too. He was also sincere in showing his concern right up to the very short brief last meeting. Guess that was why I got a minor crush on this kind young yuppy..wooh! Plus he's cute ya hair!

You know what...I have slapped myself my mind do myself a favour that Rahayu IS not love sick. Just that...I lost myself in this dreamy world of romance as I am fighting to accept the cruelty life has been playing on me. Already I had my single hope crushed...and I so wanted to change my life for the better..alas, that opportunity has been snatched away from me. I am in a dilemma when I think about other friends of mine who are promised of a better future..once they complete their studies or about to complete..where else mine? I don't even know what is to become of my future. And just as I appreciated them coming for my birthday treat, I didn't expect that I would continue to get things that I wouldn't use or be able to use. Yes, I still appreciate their gifts to me...though not one seemed to be so 'rahayu' unlike the ones that they used to get for their birthdaes. I felt like hey...I guess they still don't know me well enough? The so called many gifts that I got...were mostly used or stuffs that they didn't want anymore except for the dress and skirt..which I'd never wear.

I know I like to get things that are no longer useful to them.. but are to me. Just that..I don't expect to get them on my birthday. Still...I appreciate they're somewhere in my room or the wardrobe. The last time I saw these 'gifts' was on the nite I put them away for keeps and perhaps, the onlie thing I found useful was the slightly used lancome perfume. But u know...some gifts are better than no gifts, whether used or not...useful to me or not..As for the 'used items' or knick knacks that I got which they never used..the one thing I am glad is that at least, they know Rahayu likes give-aways..haha...Erm, I guess that is one of the reasons why I didn't write about what happened on my birthday on the last celebration.

I was just clueless as to what to write..I didn't wanna appear as being 'unappreciative' or what...I just didn't know what was really there to say. That I was a little bit disappointed? Or how I felt that this gathering wasn't intended for my birthday..rather like how it was more about meeting their good ol' pals again..which brought about remarks that sounded like they shouldn't be there...if they knew this person or that person wasn't coming. I didn't think that I should tell other people who wasn't coming....coz I tot that u know...this gathering was intended for my bithday...not some annual gathering I organized for the sake of 'get together' the information was basically for me.

But still, thanks for the brownie cake with ice cream although I had eaten two bites onlie...but u know long as my friends are happy, I am too. Anyway, it's over...well, the fotos are still with me. SOrry if I didn't send over to u I didn't feel like sending to anybody. It didn't feel like a celebration to me. I felt as if I disappointed u all coz I didn't manage to successfully invite those whom u wanted to meet more than anyone else. Sorry...

Okay..guess that's about cleared up. So, yeah...basically i'm back to my old self.

Thursday, October 27, 2005

Super Duper Love


have you ever heard of the popular phrase..'so near yet so far'...ironic isnt, it? haiz...i guess it can also describe something that I am feeling right now. And also have you ever felt like you just want to get close to the opposite's just so hard not because he or she is playing hard to get..jz that you don't know whether you are prepared to go beyond being just acquaintances to friends...and more than that don't say yet lah..even though we're like...ahem..wishin. Just that...the first step is hard already..and taking the second step is harder. Either that or you don't know if the person is able to accept you..especially if they can 'sense' you have expressed some interest in him or her.

I mean..sometimes I think am I that unfortunate in love or what? Is it because I don't believe in myself that it sort of rub it in a making me think I am not worth anyone's care and attention? I know it sounds like I am complainin..and no, in case you're thinking, I am not some sick puppy dog who jz yearns and yearns for some 'spark' in my love life..ahem..NON life..heh. Wouldn't it be nice to just, for once, experience how is it like? But I feel like i'm just like the majority girls...who of course...have a list of criteria which does not include 'ugly'...'bald'...we secretly wish that he's some handsome dude ready to sweep us off my feet. For me, I'm jut contented about that last thing literally onlie lah since it'd be rather impossible to carry me..bwahahaha..! I don't think anyone of us wish that we get the oddball..although maybe we'd say 'I don't care how he looks like as long as he loves me'....but you know how we can be SO in denial. Like if we say, hey..i want a handsome guy! And preferably an ang moh who closely resembles er...(*whispering* uhm..know anyone else besides david caruso? okay..thanks..) Ryan Seacrest! Mz be tall and tanned too!...people would be like...yeah right, as if you're Gwyneth Paltrow or Angelina Jolie or something.

But what if! You are lucky enough to get to know some guy who doesn't exactly fall in an ang moh category...but is still cute and likes u jz the way u are. And you find urself slobbering after him...will you still want to stick ur affirmed criteria list? Then you'd be like..dammit..I SO don't deserve him. I'd be like a freak beside him! Gawd...why can't ordinary gals like someone who is nice enough to be a friend..and who knows what else. Will we be able to take the constant stares..finger pointing...frm other people who are not open enough to see that a couple doesn't mean they're twins or somewhat like that. And you know what is the strangest thing? That it's really scary...just like some of us may experience...whether are they reciprocating our actions or feelings? Can we take in the fact point blank if let's say..*gulp*...we get rejected or misunderstood? Okay, I mean at least we tried..but what if turns out to be nothing but pure disappointment. Are we still gonna gloat over it like we're some kind of useless junk not worth taking a second look?

Anyway, these are just my feelings lah...being single is still cool...but wouldn't it be just nice if someone bothers to ask for our phone number...after knowing some things about us that conjure up some interest in them? I think that is still cool too...and especially cool if you think that this person somehow seems like a good 'catch'...e.g cute and got that really sweet smile...and for once, you are proud to show him off like some prized possession. Haha...I'm just writing rubbish now as I'm procrastinating over writing the report for some project.

Well.....I'd say...believe in urself yourself first..if you don't love yourself...will people be able to love you as who you are? If you think loving someone is so hard...have you ever loved yourself enough to be able to love someone as easily? And hey....break ups happen not coz of us takes two hands to clap...For me, I want to learn loving myself first..I am still growing up and trying to survive within this age group. If you ask me, I am scared shit about commitments, let alone being in a relationship. But which dufus would wanna go into a relationship with the signing of contract that this relationship is gonna last for 6 months onlie before a pending break so called look for greener pastures..or other better guys. Not that I tot I'd be so bad in a relationship or what. I am just afraid that.......I will lose control of my which my life will be revolved around taking good care of my outer beauty for his sake...taking up new interests for his sake..putting on a brand new personality..for his sake too. And then, if you can't do things considered hot hip cool and happening for him...from spending e nite at some popular club..or jogging the entire 5km...will we still be considered as good girlfriends? You know how they'd be's okay for them...and then behind ur back and infront of ur friends...he'd be so upset coz u're not together with him doing the things that he like. And how do I expect for him to take an interest in what I like too...not necessarily joining in them.

You's complicated lah...I jz 'dig' a bit deeper and unfortunately, I onlie find mostly dirt and not gold. But for me, I'd say, if I have the same feeling as he is to me..hey, it's worth giving a try rite? At least be friends first...find out more about each other..and whether we think we can at least do some things that are of neutral standing between us...for example, just chilling at our favourite coffee joint (haha..I'll somehow 'find' one at that time!)..I guess that will still be supercool. Then, who knows what happen? And then the rest, as they history. SOmetimes thinking too much about it..can make us end up think more and more negatively. Everyone deserves to be loved by someone they love too. And that's a simple fact worth pondering over. And thinking too much over..*smirks*...

Wednesday, October 26, 2005

Imaginary Guy Fren


what's up world?! Anyway, when I was back in the office, and saw the heaploads of things in my blog..was thinking...gawd...I wrote so much! And unbelievably, one post..uhm...I guess it's deserving to be lauded as an official storyline. Anyway, I guess now that I have started working..uhm..for at least this week and the upcoming monday..before I am so much in my holiday mood..haha..I guess, my writings will be drastically reduced. You know is so cool that me, being a mostly introvert person, chanced upon this blog or my previous journal to embark on a journey of being long-winded..haha...And also...because this current blog is not being circulated among my friends, I have this little less guilty feelings as i know I won't have the tendency to hurt someone I know who is close to me. But of coz lah I am not going go into a full battle mode lambasting every single person who didn't quite make my day. That! not me...

GOsh, where do I even begin, sey...Okay, first and foremost, sometimes I think I spoke too soon. Way too soon regarding how nowadays, there is no one of current interest that will sorta occupy my mind..hehe..and become like my unconscious being. No..not aliens...but someone..uhm...........a guy....of whom I kinda imagine I talk to like I know him so well...u a girlfriend of sort..haha..where.....................argh! this is so hard. Okaylah, if u have a boyfriend or what...u tend to tell him how's ur day like...ur happiness or sadness....that sort of thinglah! but onlie difference between u and that yupz, mine is onlie a figment of my imagination, except that I do it unconsciously while urs is for real, and no....Orlando Bloom doesn't count as ur boyfriend.

So....I kinda dugged up into my past accidentally, when i was raking my brain for in the movie I watched about this Chinese guy. So, I guess I recalled the most recent encounter I had with a Chinese guy who was quite friendly. K, so the fact that he's cute too helps in my process of 'recalling'..haha....and to think this guy sorta come across as unfriendly to me initially...which made me uncomfortable which accounted for my rather sour face when I tot it was so unfortunate for me to end up with him at the counter. But he turned out to be the opposite of what I expected lah, but I was still forever in my 'I don't wish to talk to you jz get over it quickly' whenever I buy things or at the doctor or what...hahahaha....bloody unfriendly bitch.

Anyway, so far...he was the last encounter...sob sob......even though it was quite a long time ago already. haiz..the perils of staying at home too much at times...and having zilch social life. And, he kinda become my 'target' for my 'what if' he was my 'boyfriend'. Therefore, I'd go into this mode where I am like...imagining myself calling him..or vice versa..and I am telling him my ups and downs in a my focal point of complaints. Also, like where I'd like to go for a date...what movie to watch..where to have dinner...where to hang out. Sometimes, I'd imagine I'd be talking to 'him' when I happened to have something that occured to me in my mind or based on what I see...K, for example, ', had quite a bad beginning at work. I had to do this talk infront of the kids alone..while my other two colleagues just sat down with the kids and watching me. I felt helpless initially and so nervous...but I guess the show must go on...or I can't go off quickly. But it's a bit sad lah too as I had no help..' Or I'd imagine him talking to me saying how his day at work some customers are like...eurgh... But then I'll be so 'extra' too...

K, for example, I'd always imagine him asking how come I never had any boyfriend before...(and yes, he HAS to say back that he's fortunate that he is the first one...or he won't live to be in another subconscious dream of mine..bwhahaahaa!!)...Then, funny thing is, when it comes to this part, I sorta dug up into my own mind, and tot about it on my own. I'd be like..gee, maybe coz I am not girlfriend or relationship material. Or I'd believe that I am not...then, there's like a few reasons why I'd consider it as inappropriate for me to start a relationship. Firstly, in a relationship u're expected to be able to make it for most whateva time and long as our working schedules don't clash. But, I guess that'd be quite hard for me still as my mum still has puppet strings attached to me. And also secondly, my kind of look don't suit cute guys in general..or the kind of look I like in'd be so weird for me to stand out jz coz i look bigger than my bf...and it's not doing justice to my bf if he's so darn cute...I'm like...pffftttttt...whateva. Or I am so boring...compared to other girls...who have so many things going on in their lives and what have i..

So, it's a very negative point of view which I can conclude right now, is the precise reason why I don't wish to have such imaginary bf. Like I said, I spoke too soon and for a long while, it's amazing how no guy has caught my eyes yet..except for David Caruso...but he's like Miami?! Or everytime I happened to like what I see..and then wham! he smokes...and not that I am against him smoking or what...but like bad breath and yellow stained's erm..............NEXT! The fact that he claims he doesn't smoke kinda upped the meter a bit lah...although, like what David taught me...let the evidence do the talking rather than the mouth.

But on the other hand, I tot it's so fun too. Coz u know...when U have that one love of urs..u'll fall into this 'look good feel good' mode. not necessarily feel good but more like trying to look better because hey, u got a bf so u have to look good as a couple with him lah. Make him proud that he has a girlfriend who is U. Chey, I talk as if I have experience. Then, like I said, it's all a subconscious thing lah. I am sure us gals like guys who would bother to wear something nice when out with you...gel up his hair....clean his shoes a bit..and u will see what nice clothes to wear for ur dates. And u'll be like pondering over ur clothes and the make up and the shoes...the bag.....see what will make u attractive for him on the date. And we have that additional things to do like pampering ourselves..and we will also like try to improve ourselves such as maybe..take up a new hobby? As strange as this sounds, I am trying to pick up cantonese. Go figure!

I can onlie say that since as of then, I don't go back to that place again..(oh the horrors of going home from there!....stupid traffic, stupid people...stupid bus route..stupid non existent taxis)..coz I have settled the paperwork. But he turned out to be such a nice chap, that it wasn't such a bad experience as i had expected. However, it was not in the best of sad for that..WAH!!!!.....*sniffles* Why can't good things happen to me sometimes? Well if I LEAST one guy friend who is willing to talk minimum one hour with me on the fon on alternated days...I'd be the happiest girl in the world!..wooh!....However, he mz still sound nice on the, I can lose my trail of thoughts over and over again whenever he talks...and he mz be able to let me speak...and not 'take over' most times..has the willingness to listen and not just butt in or criticize me constantly making me sound stupid or what..haha, no wonder I don't have that much of 'luck' many criterias! But u know I am just joking rite...RiTe?!!

Anyway, what big difference I like about this new 'way-of -thinking-about-crush-thing' that I don't mentally imagine myself talking to him physically. Rather, I interact with my inner self instead...but he's just like someone in the background who listens to what I am saying. Then hey..the manicure and pedicure plus 'clean face' look and a fashion like such a good bonus coz it makes me think that I AM truly going out with someone so I tend to take care of myself better. Wah, can't imagine if I DO go out with some guy on a date..and with subsequent meetings also, but not necessarily as my boyfriend. It'd be so cool...I get to be better looking than I am rite now, coz for once, I bothered..hahahaa...

I guess the whole thing about him being like someone in the background rather than in the foreground in my head is perhaps maybe he didn't quite make a big impact on me even though I tot he's cute. He was almost at the point of being forgotten till something revived him back. A movie to be exact. But hey, it hasn't come to a point of irritance yet...still, i like my buffed nails in my bid to look good. Thanks J!

Tuesday, October 25, 2005

Pretty Face!

Hey! I wanna share u some beauty tips..miraculously coming from me..who have little technical know hows..compared to my I.T. knowledge...haha..

If u're like me...who have an oily or imbalanced complexion and sometimes, u get pimples too easily and a dull complexion, I am gonna ask u to do one drastic thing. Try to go without foundation, cream or powder, loose powder...or anything else to cover ur work. Yeah, I know..drastic right?'s like ur showing every single flaw on ur face... Anyway, if u feel naked without it, use baby powder on top of ur moisturiser but not too much as baby powder tends to be white..which absolutely don't match ur skin so use sparingly. Then for touch ups, bring a small bottle of the powder and keep it handy in ur bag. Train urself to be bare face...

Before u label me as crazy or what....and point finger at me saying 'u can lah! i cannot!'..haha..this is for a good cause. Like in a hot weather like Singapore, our skin is easily damaged by the sun or even in the office, when it is sucked dry by the aircon. Then if u have the tendency to have a breakout, instead of lapping one cream or lotion after another, it can do more harm than intended. And also putting on layers and layers of foundation and concealers, won't help that much also even though half the battle is almost won if u have good coverage.

Take it from me...last year, I had a major skin breakout in the form of chicken pox. Though it's onlie for two weeks...the damage it left behind on my face especially, was excruciating. And until now I was thinking..gosh, of all the places to attack the most, it HAD to be my face!!!!!! But wateva it is, I had a major drop in confidence level..not helping at I already had this permanent issue with confidence. Looking at my old pics didn't help I began to appreciate my face then more than now. And u know how ur face is always the first point of contact whenever u meet or old. So it matters big time. And I did all I can to cover them up..all these irritating brown spots..all over my face...with foundation and layers of concealers. Having to travel from one place to another for work almost everyday didn't help at all. The sunny weather will somehow diminish my hardwork over painting my face....and the brown spots will always show through...though not completely.

Okay, I made a big boo boo too. I didn't have a good facial soap or foam to help improve my skin. I was too scared to use the ones available at supermarkets or pharmacy, the really affordable one as I was afraid of further damage. However, I endured and endured...that I forgot I have these spots sometimes...till i look at the mirror. And bonus comes like three months later, and I could finally get reliable facial pdts from Clinique.

I am a fan of their pdts...though I am still not a big moisturiser fan. It helped me once from a previous breakout...(I don't know why I have so much bad luck..)...that left my skin very raw and irritated...and my pimple scars were apparent on every square inch of my face. After the redness went down, I had blotches and my skin looked old and lifeless. And when my aunt and mum introduced me to Clinique, after a few weeks, my skin texture improved...making it look almost flawless....and months after using it, I even forgot I had such remnants from the breakout.

So, I felt that this time it would me perform some miracles or something. True enough..after one month of constant usage...and diligent swapping with the toner...and a positive thought, I started to see results. At first, it didn't really seem like it was working...but heck, I started to do away with foundation and concealers. I didn't want to clog my skin up. But every morning and night, I'd swap my face with the toner and moisturiser after washing my face..and soon, some areas of my face improved. Having sensitive skin as took time to heal eventually, but after a few months, I saw vast improvements. I felt more confident..and not onlie that, I learnt not to be too reliant on foundation.

So, I'd say....come on gals...reduce the use of foundation, no matter how expensive ur foundation is. U dont have to put it on everyday. I know u're thinking that heck, easy to say. But I have tried it, so I know. Sometimes u think that u have completely removed every single residue from the foundation but u'll never know. I know some gals who are wicked with make they really can make up very well..unlike moi..haha...but if u look at their skin properly...they have blemishes that are pretty bad or their skin looks so dull and lifeless...but onlie saved by the heavy use of make up.

I would say cleansing is still the way to go. Dont sink in too much of ur money solely on makeup like buying those expensive brands. At the end of the day..and no not literally...they can still be damaging if u don't remove properly. If u can't give urself minimum two wks, without least try to alternate the usage. Maybe today u wear..the next two days u don't...U should instead have a good investment in facial products that really work for u. Don't get those bombastic sounding ones or the kinds that will merely add a step or two more on top of the basic cleansing products. Get those really basic facial soap or cleanser..which is suitable for ur skin type...and then followed by toner or take note of this..'clarifying lotion''s the same thing lah jz the name change onlie. And also moisturiser.

Get in the habit of cleansing and toning ur face everyday. Moisturiser...erm.....use sparingly too lah because our weather tend to make the moisturiser to have an 'oily' texture on ur face once u start to sweat. Or u can get the oil-free moisturiser for oily skin but again, use sparingly too like say one drop (the size of a 5 cent coin)..and then move in upward movement with ur fingers. If u think not enough, then another drop but this time, focus more on ur neck as it still needs to be moisturised. When it comes to moisturising, less is more.

Then at nite, before u sleep, if u want, u can try to invest in a moisturiser that specifically works for night use. It is at night ur skin is at its most active...that's why u have this dewy look (if u look beyond the eye crusts..and dried saliva) hey, so clean ah?! This one..erm..u can afford to put a bit more...since u're just sleeping and not sleepwalking outside. There's no element to promote its clogging.

Oh, last but not least..if u do wear make up or foundation, and use a make up remover..I'd say take a step further after that. Use ur usual toner or clarifying lotion to further remove the makeup. I'd tell ya..u will still see remnants of dirt. The remover removes the make up while the toner removes the greasiness left behind by the make up.

See...U dont need to pay so much for ur facial needs. No need to look completely flawless...a clean and moisturised face is the way to. Don't clog ur skin...reduce the use of make up and foundation to a bare minimum. Like I said, no harm trying hypoallergenic baby johnson's and johnson's...for alternate days. Going just lining ur eyes and lips...reduce the tendency for the clogging of skin and eventually breakouts. Let ur face 'rest' while letting ur other features stand out like I said, ur eyes and u don't feel like u're at home and not at work..hehe....

Good luck!

Sigh..end of holidays


so......................what's happening?! haha..okay, I kinda lost the trail of my thoughts for awhile there...and now i remembered. Oh by the way, did u read my previous post on getting a *whistling*....FrEE ringtone obtained from local website. And guess wat? I went to yet another local website...and I tot this was gonna be a tough cookie but still, I sorta looked through any available loopholes..and I found it. So, u can disable the right-click but u can't disable me! bwahaha....!!!! okaylah, as victorious as I sounded, I so far onlie downloaded one song to my system...pfftt..............still can't get by my strong critical taste for music. For my handphone at least..haha..

by the is officially the last day for me to be on leave..oh boo hoo!! And as much as I have prepared to do some work for some dumb ol' project and also, my yearly assessment...I..ahem...haven't got done to it yet! Infact, I onlie remembered like barely hours ago onlie..hahahaha...Have been too busie pampering myself lah. When u work like almost everyday of the week, especially for me..who spends most times's really hard for me to just get down to it and pamper myself. Some more with my brother's up and coming exams, I am often battling with the tv, his array of drinks....his stubborness...lazinesssss.........and so many other things, that I often find myself exhausted through and through...that I sometimes can barely keep myself awake to play Sims2, which then was my onlie outlet for stress. Didn't know making one Sim after one Sim get down to it and get pregnant was so much fun! haha....cynical...

I was so prepared for this so called long break for I brought him one plastic bag full of files and notes for the projects, and magazines to kill the weekend with. Oh, and one pair of shoes..don't ask. Yet another pair....alas. Anyway, onlie today I read the magazines! Haha...I had so much fun writing entry after entry in my blog...coz for once,I felt like there was so much to talk about! I guessed I have been bottling it up for so long. Gawd knows who reads my blog because I have taken down the visitor meter and was also at a point of taking down the comments link, but narh...even though at one point of time, my blog was the target for spammers. But it was solved already. I thought that I didn't want to be plagued by this meter setting. I meant I dont want to lose the motivation for writing if I see a low visitor count. I mean, that wasn't my intention for writing! I wanna write..coz I wanna write..nothing else. I find that if I write down my thoughts, or what have I...I can think clearly. Anyway, I never wrote so much, my writings over the past few days, let me keep a reality check on myself...rather than be immersely involved in the virtual world of Sims onlie.

Anyway, I was also writing the previous times as to how down and out I felt like...when my prayers to God were unanswered for. At one point of time, I was doubtful of his existence..But, I guess sometimes God works in mysterious this case, I dont know what He is up to for me at least. Right now, I feel like my future is so bleak...but, I guess I have to take things one at a time, and see how it goes. My belief in God? Well, as optimistic as I try to be....I guess I am still not 100% sure. But neither am I denying His existence....I still am confused as can be.

Whatever it is, I still fast as per usual, which is one of the requirements of my religion. I could have just ended it just like that...but I guess I was still persistent about it. Today will mark the third week of the fasting month, and alas, it is the last week we are at our most busiest. I have rather mixed feelings about this Hari Raya festival, which is celebrated by all Muslims. Infact, I always have this nauseating feeling whenever this festival is around the corner because it will mean...gulp.....visiting dreaded relatives. Nolah, it's not that I have some bad blood with them or anything. Maybe they're just as awkward as I am too...because we onlie get to meet like once a year so every year, it's like a new beginning everytime. I still am as quiet as I can be whenever I am in their homes...and I guess that's why I have a brother. To complement me and to keep me company...and coz of him too, my house visits have been less torturous..hahaha....

Anyway, I know the word 'fasting' would bring up images of people almost to the brink of dying from hunger..haha...especially for those who never fast before because of different religious beliefs. But trust me, it is not as bad as it sounds. It's not as if u don't eat at all for the entire one month. Still, I'd be lying if I say it is easy coz it's not really that easy. Initially lah....because u imagine, the entire year, except for this one particular month, u're practically stuffing ur face. Everything looks so yummy....worth a try..don't try sure die..haha...some mantra, eh? For me, I sometimes have this gnawing feeling to eat snacks...chocos....and sudden hunger pangs which will make buy any available snacks like bread. Sometime, I'd imagine..wah how sey....if I start fasting..will I ever survive?!!!!!

And miraculously, I can lah. K, technically, u can't die from it lah..hehe...but it's the feeling u wanted to die from not eating that is scaring me. Especially when I have a low threshold for pain...and weakness for food...this is like so hard for me. However, I am proud to say that, some years, I can fast like one whole straight month, if I don't come down with some feminine problem. It's like...come on rahayu, u can do it! Even if I couldn't wake up in time to eat before the start of the day to fast, I still persevered and went straight on knowing completely that I would be much weaker.

This year, like I had told before in my other post, I am fasting in a different manner in which I onlie got down to eating onlie once a day. And it's working for my diet...coz since I don't eat anything, I have a much lower calorie and fat content that got me to lose some weight and inches. One of the sure fire ways of knowing if u have lost weight, is via ur jeans. Not some top...some skirt...but jeans. Not any kind of jeans but those type that fit snugly around ur hip, waist and butt....that u just have to stop breathing for awhile to get into it..haha...If it fits u much better than before, then u have lost weight. I dunno what is ur method of measurement lah...but so far, since I started wearing jeans again this year..after a long battle with my weight..I thought that it's a perfect gauge.

And I discovered something else about fasting too. Since u're not consuming all those sugar, fat...and oil....ur skin looks better! I can swear on this! Your body is rid of harmful toxin that can damage ur skin making it look dull...lifeless....and cause pimples or it looks more translucent. Okay, so u dont wanna fast but u can try to eat healthier or at least cut down on ur fats and oil intake...and after a few weeks, u can see the difference. Oh, and maybe do some exercises..anything that make u sweat, and it can also naturally make u sweat out those toxins. But of course lah, pls don't forget to cleanse ur face after that..haha...or it's the sweat that does the damage instead.

So, I am so not looking fwd to work..hee......but hey, what to do? Have to somehow pay the bills and i guess once I get into the work mode, I forget I even took leave..gosh..

See ya!

Monday, October 24, 2005

New Free Rip-off Ringtone!

I am so incorrigible or something....haha....i ripped off a paid ringtone sound file off some local website (can't disclose the name) without paying the $2.50 and some airtime charges (u know when u download from the Web via ur fon)...And it all started with the website's own player which was having some technical flaw. Like u know when u want to listen to a preview of the ringtone, and then it would auto play on their embedded music player. It was having some prob and I was not able to play the .wav file but I managed to do something about it and then let it play on my pc's windows media player instead.

Okay..okay..I still paid the airtime charges which proved fruitless anyway coz in the end, it said that I am not some paid subscriber or something although i tot I am...infact, this website has so many log in problems..I don't even know where to begin! See...that's what happen if u have so many log in pages...and even though they sorta synchronise into one log in page something like hubbing (oopss..) but if u're lucky, u get through...if not, even ur mother's maiden name won't even help! K, that was one of the requirements which I defaulted to verify if u are the real user of the er..username. I was like...'how many names does my mum have?!!!!' and of course, they can't even verify my i.c. number and that got me stumped. They don't have an EXISTING what the?! All this time when I use my handphone, who am i paying to?! Alrite...then I got a brainwave. I tot...hrm...what if able to save this file and download the sound file into my own pc and then to my hp via cable connection. first, I tot it was as easy as just transferring from pc to hp but it took awhile as the sound file was in .wav and this nokia pc insync onlie recognise .mp3 files.

So........i got yet another brainwave. Why don't I go to the net and search for some trial or free version of a wav to mp3 converter. First I did a search but it was pay this pay that. I went to (love ya guys!) did a search, and my second download (Voila!) was successful and it had wat i wanted. It took me like less than 5 min to figure out how to use but it was quite easy as u can't go wrong that much as it had very few buttons sorta like ur mini sound player. Okaylah, it helps if u have some knowledge at hand as to what some of the technical words mean...hee..still, it's manageable.

Then lo and behold, with just a simple click to 'encode'...after messing a bit with the software, i successfully converted the .wav file to an .mp3 file. And i tried to plug in the cable again from my pc to hp and waited for the nokia software to load. And guess what?!! It finally recognise the file since now it is an official MP3 file..bwahahaha!! Since it's a small file of around 330kb onlie..compared to a full length mp3 file...(as its origin was actually a ringtone) was a very quick download. And yes...I HAVE A NEW RINGTONE! Ha! take that...without paying a cent!
See..I am kind enough to tell u my tricks. But I am not promoting the software lah...coz obviously, they're not paying me...but u can do a search for a .wav to .mp3 converter. Like how neil buchanan of Art Attack always says....'Try it Yourself!'..but don't tell them i told u.

Hey, by the way, if u are not using a nokia hp, it's still possible because current hp models come with a software right? Like I know motorola's hp has a usb port right on the hp itself so u jz need a normal usb wire to connect from pc to fon. Jz follow the procedures I told you, save it to desktop as it's easier..u don't have to search every freakin folder whn u forget where u save....then transfer to the provided software. U can transfer from there to ur hp via the USB connection. see ya!

Old and New


I know I wrote a lot of things these past few days..and it's funnie that within these days too, I did not play the Sims 2. Now that is baffling. I guess the journal keeps me in check..although I had been talking particularly about a certain movie that was extraodinary in its own way. And it talked about the kind of romance..that I like as it just shows that 'you like who you like'...going beyond the skin colour..status...and wat have romanticsm a good name. And when I think about Sims 2 like analysing myself on why haven't I been playing, I felt that maybe once in awhile, I should get out of this virtual world. Anyway, I love both...writing and playing the game. Perhaps when my leave ends on Monday, and the following day I go back to work, I might need to play this game again once my 'cloud 9' days are numbered..hahaaha....

you know from the time I started work, right up till now, I was quite clueless over my fashion sense. It was like after I rummaged through my wardrobe, after being nagged by my mum, I was like...'eurgh.....did i wear this the last time?' And it wasn't like one or two times...that I felt I was such a bummer when it comes to the fashion dept as most clothes that I either bought from me or my aunt were the kind of clothes I'd probably wear when I am over thirty. Now, I am barely in my mid-twenties..let alone....the previous years when I was wearing them.

Okay, my physical attribute is the first concern. I was like in my very self conscious mode and I remembered not feeling comfortable wearing these clothes. But I felt like..die die..I had to wear them as I thought they were the onlie available clothes that could be worn by me. In other words, my fashion sense was dead. Plus, the influential factors driven by my mum and aunt who kept emphasizing my assets would onlie fit into these clothes...and my mums' constant reminder that I am not thin, so I should stop acting thin and wear these clothes coz there's nothing to flaunt anyway, except for my fats?

Then it didnt help too that since I was pretty new at that time, and also new to the working world as a whole, they knew better anyway. And my partner that time, wasn't some hip and trendy colleague ( offence..i love her still!) because she was twenty years older than me and I shouldn't dress in contrast from her too much. I should have some sense of respect in the way I dress. Wearing loosely is the way to tight fitting attires.

I admit that I got tired of the look and I felt so 'aunty' like. And I knew that I tried to change it a bit here and there and got down to Robinsons, a place I felt was the onlie one that could give me some justice in terms of clothings. However, I felt I kept buying more and more of the same things, like knee length skirts which were not really appropriate for me at least, but they were the onlie ones available for me that I could fit in. Yeah, that was also part of my trend. Not that I minded them...just that.......they were not too flattering for me, although just now, I was contemplating on starting to use them again. Think coz the length was not too appropriate coz they are slightly above the knee, as I am a bit on the tall side, and it didn't help that when I sat down, it would run up much higher than them..and off my heavy thighs. Eurgh...okay okay I get the point....time to move on.

Hrm, no matter what, there is still one thing that was pretty admirable of me, considering my bad taste in fashion. I had guts. Yeah, that was it. Guts. To carry off the knee length skirts given my bad case of rashes on my feet..which I contracted when i was working on a temp job. The skin on my feet were nastily ravaged leaving behind these ugly reddish marks as I would scratch them so badly at times, that there were cuts, bruise like marks in huge ugly markings. And I also had this nasty watery rash which was like a mini pool right smack in the middle of my right foot. I mean, it wasn't as if I never had rashes before, but never in my life, did I experience such atrocity created by rashes.

I learnt quite recently that I had a bad case of eczema. I am also glad that the skin creams and ointments are working very well too....whenever my eczema attacks come about. However, not to say I didn't suffer. The extreme itchiness followed by red angry blotching and the skin creams constantly running out made me complacent to keep going to the doctor and u know how such creams have a shelf life. I guess, because I tried to prolong the use the cream over the expired date that even though, it worked initially, drying up skin and reducing the redness, subsequently it would keep occuring.

When they dry up, it would still look so nasty. My skin darkened and I have the world's ugliest feet. But what was truly admirable was how I could live with them and then showing them off, but of course I didnt mean that, because I was not about to give up wearing such knee length skirts coz of these scars. Now if u ask me to wear such skirts, I'd think twice preferring to hide behind long skirt or pants even though they are still visible because obviously the skirts will hike up a bit when I sit down. It was one of the major reasons why I lost my desire to shop for shoes and I end up wearing the same pair over and over again till I got the tanline markings of the sandals which became more obvious each passing day. now, after a battle of more than three years, I am finally cured from the eczema on my feet. K, so the feet and the skin above the ankles still bear the remnants of the ravage. Gawd..if I onlie knew a change of shower cream would work wonders. And to think that cream shower is half the price of the usual shower cream from dettol I previously used that did nothing to alleviate the itchiness. But I am still on the road to recovery. I hope to get the discolouration and brown pigmented scars to slowly diminish asap with the help of whitening lotion so I can wear a short skirt without feeling so self conscious. I mean, I wouldn't mind if I don't have long slim legs, but stocky fat legs instead....haha....but having ugly scars and letting the world far worse for me at least. So, okay, kudos to me back then....for having such bravery and na-uh to me now..haha...

Still, not all are lost. My wardrobe got better and better by the year and one time, I was into cardigans. Almost everyday, I was in a cardigan because I wanted to wear nice tops. But to me, these nice tops wouldn't look nice, on me at least, if I don't wear a cardigan over it. K, some are obviously a bit small for me...and I tot that the cardigans can help to hide that fact. Then, what was more ridiculous was how at most times, I was wearing long sleeve tops underneath cardigans! I completely lost my confidence. I was self conscious over shoulders, my tummy, my boobs, my butt...I thought that they had been blown out of proportion. In other words, yeah...I put on a lot of weight in those years. I never exercised coz I considered travelling to work and back home as exercise already.

Of course people always remark how I can wear such tops with cardigan some more under the bright yellow sun. I got used to it lah actually. Still I hope that one day, I could completely do without cardigans. And I should have known better. I was buying the wrong clothes, and I guess I knew that....but I tried so hard to get out of my previous fashion get up. I refused to believe that I cannot wear these clothes even though they're in size XL but u know XL doesn't necessarily mean extra large but more like a medium, at least to me.

This year, I got a different kind of image. If my friend hadn't point it out, I wouldn't have realised I had stopped wearing cardigans. It all started when I started to partner colleagues that are of my age. They're so much trendier than me and even though we're all not exactly model-lisque type, I admire them for being so fashionable. It's like who long as u suit the clothes and not the other way round. Then I felt so hey...if they can, why can't i.

But still finding for such nice clothes like them is still difficult for me...and er...sometimes expensive too. However, I managed to get round this bend when I follow them round during their shopping spree in between work, and discovered clothes that not onlie fit me, but flatters me as well. At first, I didn't feel so good in wearing the clothes even though it's just a plain ol' top but I had to do away with cardigans. They're neither too big or too small for I tot, hey maybe the problem is just me. Still I gave it a try and over time, I felt more and more comfortable. Plus they're very affordable coz I find out they're not exactly buying expensive clothes all the way.

Oh, and also I went on an exercise regime :) and got down to eating the right food and cutting down snacks. It was a trying period for me....and although at that time, I didn't lose so much weight, I felt more confident. But then, I felt I didn't lose I barely lost 3 kg (which by the way fluctuates like crazy...) and I went into a minor depression even though I had encouraging colleagues who worked out with me and emotional support from my other friend. When they were offered compliments....I was offered compliments too but after I started to slag in my programme, though I continued to go to the gym...they naturally stopped coming. I totally slag in the gym preferring to just walk on the threadmill or jog a bit and then went to shower instead of continuing with the other machines. Yeah, and it didn't help that time, my so called deadline was coming and that was bdae?

My desperation drove me to these rather expensive starch blocking pills which did even more damage. I put on the same weight when I first started out on this healthy regime! And I suspected I could have put on more than I stopped weighing myself as it wouldn't be good news.

However, I sought the help from a neighbourhood doctor and true to his words, I lost weight gradually. But I still have to watch over what I eat...and continue to exercise too. And I am proud to say now...coupled with me fasting for almost three weeks, I achieved the weight which I wanted when I got on this regime. I ate onlie once a day....I don't even eat in the early morning...before the start of the fast, as I was too lazy to wake up..hehe. I tot, hey if eating or not eating, would still make me hungry, then wat's the point of eating anyway. Might as well continue to sleep.

I know this battle is still ongoing and in terms of clothes, I am proud to say that last month alone, I bought 5 pair of jeans but it was before I ate the pills from the doc. I never was the jeans sort of person coz I tot jeans don't do justice to me at all. I know I mentioned about this crazy jeans shopping spree in some post...but I wanted to say, that the jeans that I previously bought and fit me just nicely? I am having some trouble with them now as they're very loose on me now. Oh, and this one pair of jeans, the straight fitting kind...I remembered struggling while trying to wear them. I can take like 10 min just to pull it up, after jumping up and down like crazy to get the jeans up to my waist....then struggle to zip and then struggle to button. After that, I was breatheless and the jeans made me feel I am wearing a corset.

But guess what? I tried for fun to wear them just now....I had to jump like once onlie and then it was up to my waist already. K, and it took me less than 30 sec to zip up and button that set me thinking, like what...that's it?! And I didn't feel like the jeans were gripping to my legs as if u're wearing jeans a size or two smaller. Amazing........................

So! I can't wait to see how much I weigh by the end of this fasting period. My previous fasting attempts nerver gave me such miracles. ANd! I start receiving compliments again....haha...Like I said, I hope this will give way to a better sense of dressing...and get my confidence back on track. There are still so much weight to lose but heck..I'd rather enjoy every moment on the way to my ideal weight...

see ya!

Sunday, October 23, 2005

Lesson in Life

haha..bloody funnie!

k, there is nothing dirty about it but it's so damn spot on! should see the expression on the guy's face..oh my gawd..silent humour hasn't been so good.

Anyway, wanna say that I've got a litle confession to make lah. right..i promise u that this is my last post on romance because I think I got better things to talk about..haha.....K, my confession is that, I can be such a ditzy blonde..I believe I truly AM a ditzy blonde even though blonde is hardly my colour.

Know why? Because Rahayupopz or rahayuthepopular can be so.....rahayuthestupid. Twice a g cute guy hinted me that he was interested to get to know me...but guess what? twice i lost the stupid number. Know why again? Coz it didn't even occur to me that the number he gave me was meant for more than any administrative purpose. Fyi, it was a personal handphone number. He gave me twice because second time around, when he asked if I still had his number, I said no...don't think so...and he gave me again, and writing down his name again. This time, clearly in bigger fonts so perhaps I can't miss it or what. And guess what again? Lost it! I seriously had no idea.

Yeah, I know u'd probably be thinking I'm the biggest wacko around ever since the evolution of Michael Jackson. This kind of thing don't happen to me always......wait, come to think of it, it never did! I guess that's why I was so complacent about it, like can't be lah. He can't be interested in me. I mean, look at me! I'm just this shabby looking gal, like on the first day, my hair was like in a mess and my boat neck blouse, kept slipping to reveal either sides of my shoulders. Plus, I wasn't comfortable being there in the first place....even though, I guess he tried to make the situation warmer seeing how nervous I was. I was there with my friend cum colleague, who was like 20 years older than me, but she was more friendly than me...but he came to the conclusion tht I was this shy and timid gal...and I was making him nervous too as I looked so 'strict'. But he was making my shy personality seemed like a joke with his colleague when I had to go over the other counter which he later said to speak nicely to me as I was very nervous and she was like haha...okay....Then, I wasn't quite happy with the moniker although it seemed funny in the first place until it had to drag.

K, subsequently I had to go down again for like another two three times. But the second time around, he remembered my bdae even though the last time we met was like three wks ago. He wished me on the spot...because he said he promised to wish me if I came back to reapply as the other time I was still below the official age. Not onlie was I surprised about that gesture..when he shook my hand to wish me Happy Bdae but he managed to say that his bdae was around the corner like in two wks time on Monday...haha...okay, so I was like thinkin, what u want me to come again to wish u dat?...He seemed more warmed this time around than the other time...and I was still my usual quiet self occasionally smiling when my colleague was being her usual funnie self.

Then I think the second last visit, when I had to come down to sign the docs with my colleague, he actuallie remembered my name and said it out pretty loud like he was excited or something. But I was more concerned about gee....ok..............everybody here knows my name coz it wasn't exactly a good place to remember my name..haha....given the nature of the transaction.

And yeah, after signing the docs, he was you still have my number? like in case u want to call to ask any questions..and I was like...uhm.....I think no..But he jz smiled and wrote down his number again, and says his name is so and so..and I swear at that time, i was if I'll call. I didn't mean in a....tone that I wasn't interested coz I tot that the hp number was seriously meant for enquiries. But come to think of it much much later, I could have just called the hotline or something if there were any enquiries because his part of the job was pretty much done. Therefore the hp number was meant for......................................pls, fill in the blanks.

Okay, he did call me before the previous day to tell me of the so called good news. But the way he intro-ed himself like 'hi, it's me...' and I was thinking eh, this guy called like he know me like that. 'And i was like..'uhm, yeah who is this?' and he said 'it's and so..remember me? actuallie, i want to inform that ur...whatever whatever...' Hee..sorrie can't reveal details of the information. But there was an awkward silent which I kinda broke by asking so...when can i come down. He said like I can come down sign the docs..maybe after work. So I was like 'okay...thank u'. But still, there was another awkward silence of which I ended the conversation by saying 'bye'..I mean, obviously.

Seriously, I don't know if he tried to act cool about it since he was doing his job....and also, my colleague was around with me for all the the times, and I guessed he didn't want to imply anything. But at the same time, he dropped me obvious hints that I might have fended of..coz I have this mentality that he can't be interested in me...I'm just 'dreaming' lah...I tot I always imagine things esp if he's a guy that this person might be interested in me but I always fend it 'yeah, right'...

Like can't be lah..look at me. There is nothing likeable about me pysically and and and...u know, in terms of my personality whatsoever. Some more, compared to me, he was this medium built guy...with a cute fair face and that small pair of lips (well..can't help noticing it! he does use it to talk to me...)...uhm, has this reddish brown hair stylishly gelled and smartly dressed even in a men's shirtblouse with short sleeves and long sleeves. Some more, a Chinese..which of course, made me think that me being a Malay, dont think he'll be interested. (it's funnie how I could have tot of that..considering I did like a chinese before in sch). Me? Brr...........I shudder at my attire although I mz say subsequently, I did dress up better..haha, knowing I'll be meeting a cute guy. But still...I looked so tired that I was jz so unappealing that I was in total denial that this guy had any slightest interest in me. And my tired appearance made me feel so 'old' compared to his glowing look. Then again, I always tot, okay...I'm fat too! I guess, because I appeared like some mysterious person as I was mostly shy and timid whenever he threw me questions but my colleague sometimes retorted back..saying 'u say lah...'...he's asking u and she added that okay, I onlie look and sound like that, but in actual fact, i am not like that..dunno why today i extra shy. Some more, I always bully her...and he was like 'huh? really?...u mean she's just acting is it?' And she said..'I think so lah...think she's just shy..' and a few times he assured me saying not to worry...all of us, at one point of time, need to go through such transaction.

So...yeah, as u has been one of my biggest regret in my life. I didn't wish to pursue this matter anymore..infact, I was in denial about it for almost a month as I still think that it could not be possible but one can onlie stay silent for some time onlie. Yeah, like I told my friend, that I wouldn't think myself as being so what? If the ugliest guy gave me his number then I'll accept it is it...considering that, it was onlie at tat point, didn't feel so ugly myself. Additionally, stop thinking that every guy I would possibly meet and get the number will end up as THE bf...which I fear lah, honestly. At the very least, we could have become friends..

Anyway, lessons like this will make me remember better. So! Now it's start to put on a new image...which I have lah actuallie nowadays...and stop being unconfident about myself! Or this time, i will smack myself for real. I sincerely hope he doesn't read this or what...but wanna say sorry...I was being such an idiot...haha..I promise u that the next time we meet outside, preferably not the same place again lah..already so many people..hee....I would be less than an idiot..hahahahahaa.....

Beyond Social Barriers...


we gals are just romantic at heart...and denial is one thing...actually experiencing one that touches one's another thing. Like Orked in the film Sepet, she wasn't ur typical romantic-movie loving girl but one who fancies the moralities behind the movies she liked such as 'honour among friends'..which later ironically, became the 'theme of the day'...when her boyfriend's good friend Keong was beaten up while he was left behind by them both. It led to a minor confrontation later at the hospital of which the 'honour among friends' issue was brought up when Keong had to face the gangsters, who later went after them, all alone.

But Jason convinced Keong that he had not forgotten about his friend's plight. When he showed true concern over Keong's worriness that his mother would be out of job having worked in the head gangster's favourite nightclub, who might face jail time if he reported the case, he still uphold his commitment to help his friend. He told Keong not to worry over his mum because at the very least, if Jimmy the head gangster, wanted him, he wanted him alone and not the family. After all, as ruthless as Jimmy was, he was still a family man having taken care of his sister when their father died. You see this movie proved yet another point...that there is still some kind hearted soul within everyone, no matter how seemingly cold hearted they are to people that are not close to them.

Anyway back to the leading gal. Right up towards the ending of the movie, Orked hadn't really told Jason in words that she loved him. Apparently, before this, she was still sceptical over the whole 'love' thing contrary to Jason who again, and again, expressed his romantic side through his gestures and the poems that he enjoyed reading. Then Orked, having experienced the ugly side of love with her previous boyfriend, still had her doubts and the confession from Jason in a letter which made her sick to the stomach, convinced her that romance is dead.

Still, contrary to other mainstream movies, although the love story was doomed (or was it?) in the end, she finally believed in the magic of romance expressed merely through words in a letter. But was her love declaration put to waste with Jason lying motionless on the ground? But if then, who was the one who answered her phonecall when she called Jason for the last time before she left for England? Was it just a figment of her imagination? Did Jason answered her in his last breath? Or were we made to believe that love never dies and doesn't necessarily be expressed in words? After all, love is a universal language. You don't need to understand someone to like like other romantic one liners expressed in the movie. After all, when Orked expressed her true feelings through the phone, 'Jason' replied 'I know'. In fact, he knew all this time. But with the hard hitting truth about his pregnant ex girlfriend affecting their relationship, he was doubtful that Orked was still in love with him. But no matter what the outcome, he would still love her till the end. He wasn't about to let go of her again having said once that his destiny was with her.

Therefore, when the movie was basically promoted as a love story crossing all social barriers in the multi-ethnic and multi-racial Malaysia, it went far beyond there. Infact, this social barrier issue was only touched upon on the surface. The underlying message was about how two people, living in modern times, proved to us that modernity doesn't necessarily kill the respect and sincerity of one's love to another, even if it takes less than a minute to fall in love at the first sight. Everything that was supposed to go wrong as in any cross cultural relationships, did not go wrong. The only thing that drove them apart for awhile, or perhaps forever, was one's mistake made in a hurried attempt in a moment of foolishness. So guys, if you want to fool around, please think about ur future k? And I am not talking about spawning a breed of ur own..I am talking about the people u are gonna hurt after that.

Anyway, I know I know...this is like the third or fourth posts I had on this movie and I don't even know if this is the last. Wateva it is, besides the deep impact the romantic bits had on me, even the brilliantly delivered funny moments had me in stitches! There were a few but I shall mention two. One was how Orked attempted to explain to her bestfriend the complexities behind a book she was reading about the psychological effect the colonisers had on the how the people of the lands they conquered were made to believe that these colonisers were the most superior. Ultimately, that led to an entire 'upset' of the social behaviour of these people as they began to marry people out of their own skin colour.

Anyway, all of these sound yawn-worthy, especially to people like me who don't quite bother much over the 'science' of CSI in CSI:Miami. All I know is that they're blabbering chemistry equations, yadah yadah...and then they get the fingerprints. Bingo! It's whose fingerprints that i am concerned over...not the process in obtaining the fingerprints.

Therefore, I guess Mdm Director knows that in order for people to follow the storyline and not fall asleep through complex explanations, she cleverly intertwined humour which 'break' the monotiny. Like I said, as Orked went all over her house to find her hairbrush while explaining about how inter-racial marriages came about in the past, we saw her mother sprawled all over their couch in her sarong, with her mouth slightly opened and her lying front down with one leg up and the other leg down with the cushions all messed up. Then as Orked went back to her room, still talking, her mother was still sleeping and sprawled on the couch yet again, onlie this time in a different position upfront.

Oh, and in another scene, as Jason and his bestfriend Keong were about to go into a talking mode on some serious issue, on why Keong wasn't too keen on meeting Jason's Malay girlfriend. Another friend of theirs, had his handphone blasting in a majorly irritating ringtone which had him staring at the phone in admiration before being tolf off by the other two to pick the bloody phone up. Actually it happened again in another scene at the hospital, just as the two friends were in their awkward moments and then the phone...had to ring. In that some bloody ringtone again..bwahahaha! It sorta broke up the silent moment the two bestfriends had. It's so how often do you get in real just as the crucial moment was about to be unravelled in the movie, and then someone's handphone HAD to ring?! And the person HAD to answer with an equally loud 'hello'?!!!

Okaylah, but what is a movie without the flaws? I know I know..I have been very lenient to the film...given the originality and the writer's bravery in portraying the different facets of Malaysia. But hey..I can be a critic too! Bwahahaha...but it's true! Just that I am being very nice lah..(as I always am..)...

Well...the movie tried to portray how Malaysians truly converse in...mixing up different parts of their multi languages into the official bahasa melayu or official language. I's a good enough u can see from how the actors tried to breathe some 'life' into their characters by interpreting what needed to be said in their own ways. Still! I think when it comes to talking in English, they still sounded stiff or scripted it's so 'flawless'....grammatically correct, wth verbs in the right places...and with second degree vocabulary? for e.g. 'shall we go?' when Jason prompted Orked to make a move in the rain to their fav fastfood joint. I mean, do we really say that? Er..I mean I do lah..but onlie in Orchard Road with angmohs aplenty. I expected him to say like 'we go now?' Then Keong is yet another character, which I am quite baffled his ah-beng (chinese hoodlum)ness don't quite show it when he is conversing in English. His pronunciations...his sentence constructions...saved for a few injections of cantonese and hokkien phrases, it sounds mostly like he is reading from some script, yet again flawlessly, which sorta killed a bit the motive behind showing how diversified Malaysian languages are.

Then, Jason attempting to speed on the road in a bid to catch up with Orked in the airport, it's so cliche he's gonna be in some accident or something. Just like in any other dramas, movies....yawns...K, Orked didnt have to go through the trouble of reading the letter as I know he's not gonna make it anyway and the movie would end on a tragic note. Oh yeah, the sheer mention of Orked also the biggest it would mean it's now or never to declare their love for each other. Can't it be other things for example...them hanging by the edge of the cliff facing death...because their harness was breaking, as they attempt to shout out 'i love you' in the most ridiculous bungee jumping? So..............okay, that one is not so good. but airport? going away for a long time? speeding...and then later accident?...hrm, still i like the mind boggling conclusion twds the very end.

Okay, in case u thought I'm talking over a non existent movie but a love story of my own..the movie is called Sepet, as if I have not mentioned before. And this is the poster and pics in case u wanna rent the dvd or something...

the poster which won an award. apparently, the poster was such a hot fav that it was apparently stolen at some film award show which got the director smirk in delight instead of being horrified.

By the way, both were first time actors, but especially so for the male lead who had no acting experience nor the interest in the first place. But he was cajoled into being part of the production by the director of whom he was colleagues with.

Both of them were lauded for their brilliant performance and got the rewards for Most Promising Actor And Most Promising Actress respectively.

See, u'll never know what kind of hidden talents u have. See me in my next record deal.

Anyway, the dvd costs onlie 19.90 as it is worth buying as it shows the true uncut version of the movie Sepet. Fyi, it was heavily slammed by both critics and 'amatuerish' film makers who should probably spend their time 'thinking out of the box'.

Long Weekend, A Little Rambling & My Lack of Gratitude

The day I discover IG filters It's almost mid week to August..argh. I am in the midst of a long weekend, which sadly will come to ...