Monday, February 27, 2006

Confidence

I really admire those girls with great self confidence who go past their insecurities and trudge on without a care about what people think. Especially...those big girls coz I am one big and fugly girl...and if onlie I can have their huge confidence so that it can help me carry myself well enough. I tell ya it's not easy being surrounded by girls of average size and there I am standing tall among them like a torn. Coz I am a whole lotta bigger than them....and in other words, I feel so 'giant'. Eurgh..hate that...and just as I felt confident after carefully choosing the clothes that I would wear..that would be SO me...someone just had to spoil my mood by choosing to be a whole lot nicer than me even though it's just a tank top that they're wearing...or that they're wearing something understated but they ooze self confidence like no other business.

It sometimes make me feel that no matter what I wear..no matter how good I felt when I first wore that nice top, when I tend to self compare myself to them.....I wish I had not worn that even though there is completely nothing wrong with what I wear. Just that I start to feel funnie as I start to pinpoint on my flabs...my big arms..my giant thighs..those things. I can't help but to always compare even though it's not a nice thing to do especially if it's gonna put me down. Still, I can't help but be in such a foul mood like I wish my diet thing has been going at a whole lot faster rate so that I look just as slim as them. Man, sometimes I regret being born in this family of 'big bones' and that I am quite angry at my mum for feeding me non stop when I was a child. Also, on myself too for not watching over what I eat coz I have no self control and I just what I wanna eat. When I started to gain and gain and then hit a midpoint where I felt like I was not twice..but THRICE my friends, that I realised that I am having a problem.

Would you believe that I have been suffering this lack of self confidence for the longest time? I love taking photos but it's such a pain to see whenever i take photos, I have to really make an effort so that the extra chin would not show. Although I dont really have to do that nowadays since my face has been less chubby after the 11kg weight los...somehow I lost my baby fat..bwahahaha! Now my favourite pose is the side glance and would naturally go into that mode since I never felt that I got cheekbones all this while..and suddenly, wham! I can do that alreadi. Last time I used to stare straight at the camera and would try to give this awkward smiles and head tilts so that I don't look like I got chubby cheeks. BUt it always turned out NOT the way I wanted. Okay, the cheekbones are still quite invisible lah but hey..it's taking shape and now I am digressing..hold on..okay..

So what do I have? I know I am not supposed to put myself down but based on the conversations I have with my friends....they also have their hung-ups which should actually make me feel better as I never felt more 'normal'. But their kind of hung-ups are opposite to what they actually are. Like calling themselves fat when they're skinny or hunkalicious...calling themselves ugly when they have chiselled cheeks...Gawd, I feel so useless. I admire people like Queen Latifah who despite her size, she's just full of life and she doesn't care about the skinny hollywood people...but hey, do you even see her in meaty roles nowadays? I don't know if that puts her down like How I put myself down...but whatever it is, if she does but she doesn't show it, I still admire her for that.

Then like I said, I wish I could lose weight faster and even contemplated on eating those commercially produced diet pills. Actuallie I did before prior to my birthday coz I felt so desperate in wanting to lose weight fast but guess what? I gained weight faster than I could ever imagine. Yeah..who am I kidding..on wanting to look like zoe tay? for all you know....she ate that pill and never touched food for the rest of the day..haiz..

So okay...long way long way lah...onlie thing is that I have to tell myself constantly that at the very least I am putting in efforts to lose weight. It's not an easy thing to do..and my heart goes out to the girl in the drama who is actually bigger than me and when she is pressurized into losing weight, it is so hard for her. For me, I am actually used to it already seeing my family eating delicious food that I used to dig in with them. BUt nowadays, I can just eat one curry puff while they have mi soto, nasi lemak malay cakes..just for breakfast itself. Then again, it is those first steps that are always the hardest.

But you know what? I still admire her coz she dresses well..she accessorizes well...that I actually often get pass seeing her as 'fat' or 'big' since she carries herself well. I Can imagine in real life she's like that too coz she does it so naturally on tv even though the eating times seemed exaggerated. As you know they don't call it a drama for nothing..and man what's with that cutie who fell for her in the first meeting?!!! WHY CANT I GET THAT TOO?! haha...sometimes tv can be a bit too much also..

ANyway, yeah every week I admire her and all other big girls who really dress themselves well...and also carry themselves well that put me to shame even though, most times they're bigger than me or even their friends but they are not being pushed to the side coz of their size. Their friends obviously see the other bigger picture which is their personality coz I know a girl or two like that...and yeah..like I said, I have nothing but admiration for them. I just feel good talking to them coz they can be funnie too and they don't quite care about what others have to say. It's like 'so what if im fat?'

Still, I dont want to be fat no more and sighz..even though it's less than a year sinceI went on this diet thing..i just wish i could lose a whole lot faster. Not coz I wanna buy nicer clothes...just that I want my self confidence..right here right now! So I don't put myself down any longer..no way!

Sunday, February 26, 2006

Primary School

hi...

when you were back in school, have you ever heard of the phrases like 'keep in touch' and 'friends forever'? for me, maybe i'll write 'keep in touch' in those infamous autograph books but somehow, at such an age, i knew that the chances of that occuring is almost zero. how can it not be? those ex classmates or school mates, who seldom talked to you...laugh with you..hang out with you..out of nowhere ask you to sign that darn autograph book of theirs..and for me, basically it's just to fill up spaces to make it look like they have a whole lotta friends. dont mind me..i'm a cynic even during those times.

and you know what? i hate it whenever my mum mentions some names who used to be my ex school mates back in primary school. Coz right now my brother is in the same school so there are times, when my mum is in that neighbourhood and some of her friends, are the mums of my ex school mates. She's the friendly sort...so no surprise about that. but anyway, why I hate it? simple. coz these people have never talked to me..and if they did, it was only a matter of time when they would stop talking to me. Basically, whenever I get better scores than them, they shunned me like i got herpes or what. They called me 'dirty' before......they used to laugh at me...basically picking on me. If I tried to talk to them..coz I absolutely didn't know in what ways i had offended them...they gave me these stares like they they didn't wanna have anything to do with me.

There was a time when in primary 5 I suppose when they had a dance competition. So there was this boy who organized the dance routine and being enthusiastic, I joined. I even went for the practise under the void deck. But he was too controlling and he wasn't too happy about me...i think he said something like I would make them lose. Still, it didnt get me down coz I tot okay maybe I was pretty bad and when I asked him again, when would be the next practise, he said he didn't want me to join and avoided me. I was very very upset.

Then they carried on their practises and I would at times, walked past that void deck after school and seeing them practise and yeah, you have no idea how wrecked i was. But one day, I did something like I helped my group to win in some class competition, and suddenly he was on talking terms with me. I didn't like to bear grudges so when he was joking with me, I laughed too even though I didn't understand what the joke was about. Suddenly, he asked me if I was still interested to join in their practice and take part in the competition. I gave a firm 'no'.

So the competition started and guess what, not only did he and his team lost, they lost badly coz they were also disqualified. His face was sour but i didn't say anything when he went back to class but he gave me this look like he was regretful about what he did to me. I just didn't understand such people...I didn't want to understand them coz I somehow gave up. That wasnt the only incident. I had a bestfriend who lived in the same flat as me and out of the blues, she totally ignored and when our friends were like..'what happened?' she made it like it was my fault although I swore I didn't even know we ever fight. It was more like she made other friends but she made it seemed like I did something so bad that she told people no way was she gonna be friends with me. I could only blame it on myself for getting better scores than them..coz then, I would feel upset coz I lose friends in the process too.

Like I said, even after psle, when I got tops in my class, I saw them both at a funfair and they totally snubbed me when I smiled at them! I tell ya..there were not the onlie ones who didn't like me. I know I didnt talk much but when I do, they didn't wanna talk to me like Im stupid or what. When I score better, it made the situation worse. So I simply didn't like my mum talking to me about them coz for the guys especially, their mums could still remember me. Even after more than 10 years since I left primary school. They were wondering how I looked like and even when I did see them, and when they were helping to sell food under the flat during the fasting month, they couldn't recognise me. But I was hoping they wouldn't coz when they found out that I did quite well in my studies working for some stat board, supporting my family and that my mum didn't have to work anymore but they had to start afresh, suddenly I am this perfect daughter-in-law for them. FORGET IT.

Even though my mum didnt quite promote me saying that i am big sized lah..not pretty lah...but they said they had not seen me and it wasn't nice for her to say that. Their sons' ex girlfriends or current girlfriends are good for nothings. They are not as nice as me and they bully their sons and make them buy things for them.Then they said they didn't care about them anymore coz their sons are not that smart so they were hoping I would help to counter-effect that. What the hell?! Somehow my mum got psychoed and told me that it was best to settle down with a guy who isn't that smart because they cannot bully me easily or go around womanizing. I told my mum to please...don't listen to them. They're just a bunch of irritants.

Then just last friday, when I had it up to here about my mum asking if I remember this boy or that boy coz she just met their mum, I was like 'please!!! you have no idea what their children did to me and sure I remember them, and I remembered them coz they think that I am so darn stupid coz I am always quiet!! When I got good grades, they teased me or ignored me. You think I want to keep in touch with them?! NO way!' I guessed that stumped her for awhile and she didnt mention about them anymore. If not, it would have been super irritating for my mum to always ask me to recall whoever names. Didnt she even remember how their parents, for both the girls and the guys, treated her? They treated her like they treated me...their children did nonsense stuffs at me like pulling my hand, scolding me..teasing me..and if my mum saw she would scold, they hated her so much and they said that I was the cause of it.

They laughed at my mum for working the night shift while their husbands had to work only. Now my mum is relaxing and they have to work coz their children always change jobs and earning too little to support the family or they have their own family to support that they don't give their parents money. It's little wonder why mum is still friendly with them...haiz....

Oh well....so I guess good friends are hard to find right? What's the use of having friends who don't think about your needs..always think you're not good enough....gets jealous of you easily...and yadah yadah. I onlie had one good friend back then in school coz she was also a loner like me and she got worse teasing times than me too coz she was very big and people thought she was stupid coz she didn't talk much either. Guess what? She's right now just started her job as an english teacher at hougang secondary school after getting her degree and then studying at NIE for one year.

Give people a chance...don't judge people easily. It's like fine...you're still young and you don't know how to control your emotions easily either. But I don't like it even after years since we left primary school, they still hate me. I bumped into them before when I was in secondary school and they still gave me dirty looks like they hated me coz I went express and they went to normal stream. Well, jealousy can only take you so far. You will only ruin your own life.....Oh well, I guess they can only give themselves a break.

Tuesday, February 21, 2006

Magical





























Man..I love vertically challenged guys and I just lurve guys with this stout physique..and especially those biceps..wooh! Come on, let me touch them!!!! he can do magic on me anytime! It's like..wowza...btw, he's a magician. And he came to singapore to do his magic! why the hell they didn't inform me about it!! shit man..i could have done a 'groupie' thing on him. And maybe more...

Well david caruso, looks like you have competition. I mean..he's too tall..for goodness sake, he is 6ft tall! Can't reallie see him that way on tv since he's a bit the crooked..for the backbone I mean..not..somewhere else. Anyway, I love guys with a sense of mystery..he doesn't talk that much..but when he talks, it's like..WHAM! Instant attraction..although I have to act like im deaf since guys like these..they tend to whisper...heh..Whenever he talks, I have to turn up the volume a bit since..cannot hearlah what he says.

And I love guys in their work shirts...it's like either plain white..OR Or OR....maroon. Wooh! I love guys who wears maroon! okay..so he wears a red shirt.

man..doncha just love GUYS?!!



Sunday, February 19, 2006

Gained Weight!

Man...I have been feeling so lethargic since yesterday...u have no idea how horrible i felt for gaining one kg. I know..you're thinking like...pffttt...it's just one pathetic kg..but u don't know how much that means to me. It ain't easy losing 1kg by itself and so far, in this year, it has been yo-yoing between gaining and losing back 0.5kg. But so far, for more than a month, I have not gained 1 kg..like that. And I have myself to blame onlie. I have been eating...and eating...for the past one week and I reallie felt terrible for having to eat rice for almost everyday. THis shouldn't be the case. At least for someone who is trying to lose weight.

But at one point, I started to get bored...I started to get bored with this diet regime..hrm..like I still haven't given up chocs or really eat just peas and carrots. I'd rather die than eat just peas and carrots. Still, I really cut down on snacks and the quantity of food that yeah..like I said, I started to get bored. I guess it's the devil inside of me whispering to me to just go ahead and eat that delicious oily and carbohydrate rich plate of food. And man, I totally regret it. Like also, why cant i just have one piece of snack and I just HAD to buy three?! See, what i mean...i felt like i was losing out so much on food that, when it was OK to eat a snack, I had to snap up more than one.

I tot surely i would gain weight but may just be like 0.5kg (heh..easily lost). and then it was evident with the slight tightness around my pants, I didn't think at all that I would double that 0.5kg. It was already hard enough to lose 1 whole kg..u cannot imagine how i felt that instead of losing, I gained back 1 kg. it was such a horrible feeling that finally sank in me...like I shouldn't stop taking good care of my diet. In the first place, I don't stop myself from eating what I like..but that doesn't give me the authority to eat one whole packet of rice followed by ice cream half an hour later. It just doesnt make sense!

Sighz...what I can onlie conclude is that we shouldn't control our diet so much that we would lose focus. I thought I learnt this lesson already...by still eating what I like..aka my sinful indulgence...fried hot dog bun..heh....but onlie once a week. Then, I wouldn't eat other heavier stuffs or totally cut down on oily food since that alone, is damn oily already. But I guess I gave in...I GAVE In!!!

Gawd..right now, this whole one week, I am trying to lose back that one kg..fast!!! I am gonna have this gathering thingey next Saturday and i was supposed to lose two kg by that time..but NooOoo..rahayu has to be naugthy and lose focus on her exercise and diet! Yeah talking about exercise, like two weeks ago, I bought this twist and shape..sorta like a stepper..(which is so freakin difficult as the minutes go by..) and I was determined to use every single day. But when I stopped playing on it for fun..and decided to seriously do exercise with it, I tot it was like the one in the gym which was a lot bigger but similar in action. Twenty minutes felt a whole lot more than that, and I was huffing and puffing...and sweating buckets. More than I would usually sweat when on the other stepper in the gym. I mean..okay..about the same lah..just that with the one at home, I started sweating like mad 10 minutes into the workout. Geez..no wonder they say 5 minutes of workout everyday is sufficient. I totally can understand that ! Damn..those models on the tv show make it look so easy to just step and go with this twist and shape. Trust me..don't be easily fooled by them..heh...

So, after that 'horrific' moment of overconfidence a.ka. 'this is chicken!'....and really knew how it felt twenty minutes later, I stopped doing it for almost a week. But maybe one good thing about gaining (Gawd..i hate to say that word)....is that it makes me stop and think. Like stop and think to myself..am I doing any good to myself by gorging on food..at going beyond my 'one day one heavy meal onlie' routine. And eating snacks like no tomorrow. Well, people do get side tracked, right? We're just humans..we're never perfect!

But so far so good. Initially, I was feeling damn lethargic and in such a bad foul mood for trying to control my diet so that I won't start overeating again. Still, this is for my own good, right? Haha..I want to look good in a top...okay, so I am still big size..but big, doesnt mean you have to be all flabby right? I want to have a more leaner silhoutte especially around my waist, sorta like an hour glass. I noticed that the weight gain I had for this past week went straight to the waist that the bulges that I lost a bit, came back slightly and I hated it.

ANyhow, rahayu can do it right? Haha..time for some self prep talk here...

Friday, February 17, 2006

SinGLe

I dont know if this is experienced by other races as well..but I wish the malay society will b e a bit more open-minded? I mean..come on..doesnt mean I dont have a boyfriend (or that I dont have plans to get married) I am gonna die a loner or what. I truly envy those who can dodge unwanted attention when they are pestered as to when they will get a boyfriend or get married.

Like they asked me if I know some guys, and have any interest in them...but I said so far..no. From what I see..I onlie see them as friends, no more than that. I dont have them constantly edged on my mind. For a guy to get stuck in my mind, like that famous kylie minogue's song...he mz have made a very good impression. For the longest time, since i left school..no one had come close to that chinese guy I met last year. Alas, it was onlie meant to be just a 'dream'..even the prospects of wanting him to be a friend.

I couldn't exactly remember how it all began but I thought I blabbered that yeah..I do have good guy friends which we dont always go out and meet..and never had I been out solidly with one guy before. K, like u know..after I left school coz frankly speaking, whichever guy I went out before back in school, are either losers I met from the net or jz sore losers. But sometimes, if I truly like that guy, I felt like a loser coz they could not stop talking about some girls they like who CLEARLY have a lack of interest in them. And here I was, pining for a glimmer of hope that they notice I like them or something but nOoooOoooo....it's all about 'if i can get her as my girlfriend'..'If i can get her from the clutches of her boyfriend now'...and I felt like saying 'If I can onlie beat u up to a pulp'...You know what, in the end, I gave up. I gave up chatting on the net coz for once, I want to meet a real guy..to have a date with someone who truly have an interest in me..and definitely NOT getting to know each other from the net.

Guess what..for five and coming now to six long years, ever since I made that vow...I never had a date. And yeah, I do feel the pinch initially. Over time..Im like..'so what?' And my valentine's day? Although as a muslim, we are not supposed to celebrate this day....the last time, me and my two or three good friends would just have this gift-giving thingey at BK wheelock place. We treated it like a Friendship Day...but slowly, one by one had a boyfriend. Even though, they were initially unhappy in the relationship and had ever since moved on from one to another..to another..me and another friend are still, up to now, swinging single.

But we still carried on with this tradition although the recent one, she didnt get me anything coz she didn't see the importance of valentine's day as well s the last christmas when we used to give each other gifts for the fun of it. The onlie thing that bothered her is her studies coz it's getting too difficult and the pressure from classmates didnt help either. I guess...when we were still teenagers, and in our early adulthood, these things would be a sweet reminder that we still have one another as friends. But, as you know...people's commitments change over time. Some things are important, while some things, over time, have diminished in terms of value.

Still, I dont expect anything from her, coz somehow, as I slowly grow up, gifts are not a measure as to the value of a friendship. The most important thing is that we are still in very good terms with one another, despite different commitments, and that we are there for each other whenever we need someone to talk to. To me, although we now stay very far from each other, at times we make an effort to meet at least twice a month or even more and we just chill like how we were back then in secondary school until now. I appreciate it that despite her growing workload, she still remembers her friends and I hope, that more of her friends will see how good a friend she can be. Yeah, I mean....we aint that perfect in the first place, and sometimes we don't see each other face to face over some matter, but we just forgive and forget. Why compromise over a friendship over something trivial, right?

I certainly don't like people to pin hopes on me either to quickly get a boyfriend or wanting me to get closer to my current guy friends to give love a chance. At first, I found it annoying and they ask me how are they like..and I'll tell them..that yeah, as friends, they can be very concern and I appreciate them listening to all my nonsense coz at times, I just talk too much. Except for one girl, whom i know she dont really talk as much as the senior ones concerning this 'lurveeee' thing...but still she was puzzled as to why I am so scared of marriage and the aftermath. Frankly speaking, I guess God made it in a way that I am as single as ever coz I always secretly wish that no guy gives me extra attention or what. Every time, there is some guy who is looking in my way, I'll look away despite them being rather good looking at times. I simply am not interested. So maybe thats why...GOd wants to make my life easier by clearing the distractions along my path of singlehood.

I know I have talked about how I wish some guy from heaven or what..ask me out but frankly speaking, that's all I wanted. To simply chill out with a guy friend, like a girl friend, u know...like how friends are. Sometimes, It'd be nice to hear from a guy's point of view instead. Alas, I guess I am too scared that the meeting may go a little too well and soon, he has some form of interest in me and start to be all loveydovey...and I wouldn't like that. I already told myself that I dont want to break anybody's heart by telling them that I do not wish to pursue the frienship and bring it to the next level. I just..am not ready for all the lurve game. I just want to be left alone.

Although I still Do hope that some day, a guy will ask me out for just a casual date like for a movie or just lunch or dinner. But if it doesnt happen, I am not disappointed. LIke maybe fate is saying why give some guy the opportunity to get to know me better when I dont want anything more than that? It's not like he's the same gender as me...a guy simply isnt' a girl and going out for just a casual meeting, be it with a girl, or with a guy, is still very different.

Maybe who knows, I will meet a guy who shares the same likes as me...who doesnt care what people say about them. That'd be nice..

Friday, February 10, 2006

CONGRATS GORILLAZ!!

MY HEARTIEST CONGRATULATIONS GOES OUT TO THE....






GORILLAZ!!!!
For winning 'Pop Collaboration With Vocals: “Feel Good Inc.,” Gorillaz Featuring De La Soul.'
And they were part of the opening act for the Grammys alongside Madonna
You're the BEST!! I know u'll do me proud!! And credits also go Green Day for 'Record of the Year' for The Grammys 2006..Let me tell u guys..their albums truly truly truly rock my woRld! I can smell grammys for them..even before their nominations! haha...once again, congratulations guys!!!

Wednesday, February 08, 2006

New haircut

Sometimes I like my hairstyle..sometimes I dont. But all i know that it is prettie unruly..out of shape..but because the initial haircut was well cut...it turned out alright when I grew my hair out. jZ that I cant stand the two heavy 'kinks' towards the end of the hair as it flips out.

But anyhow...i actually asked for a layer cut...that means same shape and all but jz that I want it look a lot neater..and az usual, it turned out different. Still, actuallie I tot its not that bad...for a cut thats onlie ten dollars..heh...it's a spur of the moment thing. I look more fresh..'younger'...and my hair dont look as heavy as it did before...






hairstyle before the 'chop'




New one

Different, eh? Well it helps that the weight loss also helps to reshape my face a bit so I actuallie look less chubby when I have this short hair. Normally I look 'rounder'..still, u have no idea how hard it is to maintain my weight to prevent it from coming up..even if seems to stay this weight for some time.

Haiz...remember my resolution is to lose yet another ten kg this year? I hope to do it fast man...so i can lose more..heh. Gosh..all this pulling...fast walking..lifting of weights..at the gym...make my veins along my arms more prominent. Gawd...my skin is so translucent..and my veins are so 'green'...pukes...better slap less of that whitening lotion along my arms already.

Sunday, February 05, 2006

Why So Jealous?

hey...

sometimes I dont understand why people let their jealousy seeps through and u have done nothing against them..just that they're not quite happy with what you have and they turn it against u. Dont understand? let me give u a situation. U were just hanging out some shopping centre for fun...no intentions of buying but happened to be there was a sale going on and u saw this blouse for like...9.90 onlie. And ur colleague called u and happened to catch u at a time when u're shoppin but u didn't let her know exactly what u bought but simply joked that u were just catching on with the chinese new year celebrations..keke.

then u went to office the next day and she was full of envy and she asked if the blouse u were wearing was the blouse from the 'shopping' yesterday. It was and u casually said nice ah...then ok..so ur colleague was like telling the other colleague how she caught u shopping when she made a call. So it was no big deal, right?

But it was when...ok...let me put this way. Let me put it in my perespective coz it affects me more than the day she told that colleague I went shopping. Okay, so fine....she brought this matter up again in the train but with another colleague and she opened the topic by saying that how some people..that's me....was still 'wet' while other people like her are almost dry. It was like saying shes running dry of money while I can still afford to shop. And since me and her loves to just joke around, so naturally I said that narh..Im just taking advantage of the post chinese new year sales...coz prices can really drop and when else can shop if not during these times just like both the pre and post christmas and new year sales. For me, I have the advantage of a little bit of extra income last month but i dont go around telling people that. Im sure most of us still have some bonus from the previous month but I also got income from another source too. And being someone who has been very cautious of money..and also one who has been 'slobbering' with saliva when I look at some really good bargains but too scared to spend money..if I have been given such opportunity, why would i turn it down. Still, I dont go around shopping and shopping..till i drop. I still am cautious over the price tags and onlie if i think it's worth the price..like a hefty 50 percent discount or what..then I'll get it. And right now...I sorta need a new wardrobe coz the clothes I have previously have gone a little bit on me so i need a wardrobe change.

And my mum too has been kind enough to buy nice clothes for her...coz she pities her coming from a family with four children and that how her family is quite tied down with some problems like health problems. She also pities her because her husband was ill recently and couldnt go to work and having worked with our company for 6 months, she didnt get as much bonus as us and her husband, despite working for the compan for a long time, didn't get bonus either. So naturally, my mum..knows what a nice lady she is and just does her bit to help her by buying a bit of clothes for her and giving some hari raya haji token money for her children. All this coz of the extra income.

What I cannot take..is how she turned the story around..like okay, i know we like to talk casually and between me and her, we dont take things to heart. But it doesnt mean that I dont have any feelings if u say things that somewhat..make a mockery out of me whether she has intended or not.

She said to the other colleague..a second one i might add..like after how shes dry on money where else I am not and me explaining about the current sales....said that for her, if she dont buy it's okay......at the very least, she got to touch, feel it...and that's enough already..she dont need to physically buy it...because shes cautious about money. Like what? I AM NOT?!!

You know what? That hurts me like a wham! I mean..hey..u wanna tell me...im fine with it. But Im not fine when u go around telling people this little 'shopping spree' of mine. I work hard for the money...and I have gone months without shopping because Im so darn cautious over my money as most of it, I need to save it for my transport. I do pay my bills, the minute I get my pay and saving some money for the month. Im sure if she has some extra money to spend after saving, she will spend it right? I doubt she's living a life as a hermit? When her children go to a top notch tuition centre..I didnt question her....like why she sends them to that centre when shes quite hard pressed with money? I know that she wants the best for her children...and I do think thats the main reason why she sends them there. Im sure some things are meant to be personal...and what I buy.....is non of anyone's business. Not even if that blouse is like 8.90 onlie. Not even if the mango blouses that I have been buying are of lower prices than ones at the outlets. I dont go around also.....telling people how this is new..how this cheap....what I buy are of my business unless u think it's nice and u wanna know where I buy...if not, I'll just keep to myself. I know how sensitive the issue can be especially if I seem to be having new things..while people are stuck with the same bag or have to be extra thrifty with money for some reasons.

So thats why I felt offended when she puts it across to people like how I keep taking advantage of the sales where else for her, sales or not, she still wont just spend her money any-o-how. And to add fuel to fire, she said that she nearly had to physically touch it..feel it....and not buying...and thats more than sufficient for her. For me, I see it as merely jealousy..offended yes..guilty yes....but come to think of it, yeah..it's my business. And to think earlier that day, I gave her a blouse which my mum had bought from her usual fav boutique which is quite pricey..with the same income...that I used to buy the green blouse last tuesday. here we are taking pity on her......and there she is.....making a big hoo-ha over my shopping. Gawd........

Usually, I dont think too much about things like that....but I dont like people to bring up the same issue..over and over again when here we are, taking pity on them and helping where we can..onlie to be passed on with some remarks hinting of jealousy and sarcasm. I think she should keep fruitless comments to herself....dont keep passing remarks to people..often opening the conversation by pleading the person not to be offended.

Sure sometimes people appreciate honest remarks that can help them especially if they're unaware about it. Like how my colleagues had previously commented that the blouse that day was too big....BUT when I wore the blouse yesterday, it was better coz it fit me well. Also, how I dont suit short bobs because it makes me look chubbier. And they passed on these comments when we happened to be talking about the topic and I commented about the blouse I wore yesterday whether it was better than this one or not. Not just pass any comments blindly.....and then hoping the person wont get offended by them. What u expect us to do....grin widely while inside, we're fuming mad?

Be realistic lah. Maybe now it's my turn experience life as a shopper...maybe next time is her turn? DOnt get jealous easily....it wont do u any good, man. It can onlie turn a relationship or friendship sour. SOmetimes, we are in the same boat simply because we keep on complaining and complaining about how some other people have speed boats while we dont. Do you think that can change the situation? Im not going to be sarcastic to her in return. I guess maybe she didnt think twice when she passed the comments to two different colleagues. I'll let her off the hook. Sometimes we dont mean to hurt somebody intentionally.

Unlike SOME people who purposely gave me a dirty look when another colleague remarked I got this job through my father's friends' wife recommendations. But she's not paying me. I dont even know who she was. All she wanted was to help my father..since I had been jobless for six months. How much pay I get isn't determined by her although the way that colleague puts it, she says like..oh..no wonder my pay is so much higher than her. Like hello...I got a better educational background than her..but since I dont have experience like her..I dont go around showing off that little advantage I have over them. Say lah what they want to say...they still dont have the authority to chase me out of my job.

Wateva lah. Sometimes people just dont know when to keep their mouth shut. My mum, who has been paying the things she bought for that lady colleague of mine so I just thought she should know how wrecked I felt when she said such things. She said no wonder she's still stuck in the same boat because of her big mouth. She wont go anywhere if she keeps on being sarcastic about other people just because we are a little bit more advantaged than her. Things will onlie turn for the better if we change our perceptions about life and who knows..God will see the 'goodness' in us and reward us like how sometimes we help people and then in return, we do see rewards. But we dont do things out of our need to get such rewards. We do it simply because we wanna help. Oh well...we cant put a sock in people's mouth can we?


Saturday, February 04, 2006

Dream Date

hey...whats an ideal date for u? I know this sounds stupid and ridiculous maybe..haha..but I wouldn't mind a trip down to Seoul Garden..the barbeque people! Wooh! The luscious buffet spread with so much variety..i can ensure a two hour stay there is less than sufficient!

Right..and i come out of the restaurant smelling like barbeque myself..

BUt i want that! I know it sounds silly you're all dolled up with nice heels, outfit, make up and hair..and then u go into battle zone and I doubt u can look dainty while gorging on the food. The last thing u want..of coz..is letting ur date see u pig out on so much food. Right...somehow maybe my colleague is right..that may sound like a bad idea for a date..haha..

Right..so let's go to plan B. What would be my ideal date..if theres no seoul garden..that is? Okay, it may be a common date plan but i wanna go to suntec city and sit on the podium near the fountain of wealth while a laser show is being carried out. Right..so some of the laser images dont look that nice..but hey..they got this dedication thing going on right? I SO! dont mind my name being read out by the deejay on board and have a song dedicated to me! Love it..love it..love it!

Then okay..we must make out..err..I dont mean that kissing stuffs...I mean...make out some time to just chill and talk talk talk....coz this is basically how u get to know each other. Isn't it just splendid if we are along the riverline of the esplanade overlooking the fullerton square. Although u cant really see much in the dark and spot any sharks in the waters, it's the soft rippling sounds of the waters and the wind blowing softly on ur hair that gives such great definition to a date. But for me i need to put on some sculpting mousse on so that after that chill moment, i can 'shape' back my hair into its previous neat mode.

Hrm..what would i wear? Definitely skirt..short skirt..bwahaha! Okay....like i've got great legs in the first place. THink rahayu..think! OKay I know! I want to wear..fitting black pants...to give the silhoutte of long legs and to hide any ugly bulges. Maybe like 3 quarter black pants to show off a bit of skin round the ankles. Quite sexy..u know but just have to make sure it's shaven and moisturized. Hey, it's a first date right? haha..shouldn't go wrong on this. Then I shall wear a top that reads 'babe on board'. RIght...who needs a t shirt when we have an actual babe on board! wooh! Forget I said that...a purple top that is a bit clingy to give me a nice figure..so something nice to look at lah! hehe..but prior to that, mz work out a bit..maybe double up my usual gym time and jogging time and do some sit ups at night so my tummy will bulge out less a bit. Oh, the purple top mz have long sleeves because the last thing i want to show is the stretch marks on my arms..from the previous weight loss.

Okay shoes! My favourite topic! Definitely heels! But no thin heels, please. Not onlie can I NOT stand up on that...but it will give me aches half an hour into the date. Lets be subtle a bit on heels. It gives me height, grace and calf definition but shouldnt be too painful to kill me either. And also..mz be from some known brand like URS to show that I dont simply buy shoes from anywhere and i got class..hee!

Makeup? Little bit of glitter...no smokey eyes...although it will give the ultimate killer looks. I just want to put them on my eyelids to make my eyes sparkle a bit and the rest of the face will be ordinary with a hint of blush and a dab of gloss on my lids. Voila!

Hair...hrm...keep it simple with a light touch of sculpting lotion so that when the wind blows, it's not so much of a disaster. But more importantly, it must give me the 'flip' factor. U know like u flip ur hair like that..which gives ten points for sexiness. Then maybe i'll crimp my hair a bit on one side to give it a bit of definition since my hair isn't dyed or what.

And of coz..i'll spray a slight mist of 'happy' perfume from clinique...and if i got a second date, it will be 'miracle' by lancome..third date it will be 'heart' by clinique..fourth date? 'curious' by britney spears..like i'm curious why it can stretch to a fourth date..haha..!!

Oh well..these are just dreams that go out like bubbles..haha...whatever. But once in awhile, it's just great to put these thoughts on so maybe one day....just maybe.....u or i will get our dream date come true. Keep ur hopes high, my frenz!

Friday, February 03, 2006

Not a Puppet

Man, I feel like im trapped in some manhole or something..day in day out im doing the same things..i hate to be at the beck and call of people..i hate to be forced to do things that I dont want to do. And the 'best' thing? thats when people escape while I have to do the 'dirty' job.

Like I dont like to be forced...in the sense if i dont want to play bowling or pool..it means..i dont want to play. So what if its just for the sheer fun of it. I don care if we are all on par with each other but if I happen to be the onlie who sucks big time with balls...no pun intended...it really..er..sucks. Like the previous outing with my ex oi friends when I had to be 'forced' to play bowling despite my protests to escape it this time as I just DONT feel like playing. And yeah..it showed on my face..my movements..my whateva....and before this I know I already sucked and who cares if the bowling ball constantly will go into the drain pit or whatever u call it....I just want to play for the sheer fun of it. I dont want it be some mini competition where I would be the onlie who suck..suck..and suck. Not that I want everyone else to be in the same position as me...just that....I WANT to play for the sheer fun and if I am not in the mood for some fun..u can drag me..pull my hair..if I dont like it...i just cant shake the black mood out.

And plenty of other things lah tat make me wish sometimes that I dont have to be stuck with this friend or friends or even family. Its just my moronic nature that I lways have to be the one standing around like an idiot or wandering around just coz I have to keep someone coompany. I know sometimes thats what friends do but I do want it be a 'give and take' thingey..like ok, this time I come all the way for u...maybe next time if i said something wrong unintentionally..or did something that doesnt meet ur expectation...pls dont treat me like I was born to serve u. Im no paris hilton and the last time I checked, u aint one either.

What pisses me off about my family is when EVERY SINGLE DAY i have to come home or go out and then come home during weekends with heavy bags of groceries. And if I forgot to get some thing or I got the wrong things instead...already there's no sense of gratitude, I would even be scolded for being in dreamland. Then they would not quite open the door for me..or they just unlatch it and go back to their 'comfortable cofa' and if I come inside w the bags..they aim for the food first. Then me? I will sit down catch my breath first...(no mean feat sometimes)...then unpack everything to keep in the fridge or the cabinet. When they are done with their foods, they will leave the empty packets or food remains on the table for me to clear. While I am trying to diet..I dont usually buy for myself so I'll just for them. But yeah..I bought the food, brought home the food, pick up the boxes or packets of leftover food and then pack them all up and go out to throw the plastic bag.

And jz now...they were sprawled on the couch after eating and I went to the bathroom. I went out, on my pc and about to play my sims2 and my mum made a huge huge fuss about me not closing the top fridge door properly. Called me blur....anything happens to the fridge..i have to pay for it. LIke excuse me...I was the one who bought the food..bruised my arms for carrying heavy bags everyday...and help to keep the things but I guess I didnt close the fridge door properly and I got nagged at coz she thinks Im so lazy..coz I didnt check properly..

Then as I jz started to click on a family to play in my sims2...she said that the house is messy and Im just sitting down there doing nothing. And I just came back like what..half an hour ago? I need a rest too since I have to do my work outfield and walking in the hot sun and being in the hot sun isn't a joke.

Anyway, who cares...I had to psycho myself that I dont have to get married in the future so I dont end up complacent like my family so no one will suffer. And also....I dont have to be asked to perform errands for another family like own or my in laws. It's so tiring now that I felt like im already married for ten years (coz thats how old my bro is now)....that I dont know if my mum even cares about me as much of the errands isnt just for the family but solely for him.

Then my brother always escape with punishments but just pure sarcastic talks by my parents and if he trhows a tantrum . he should count himself lucky coz last time I seriously tot that I dont have parents or I was adopted.

But over the years..my mum still show lack of concern fo me especially in recent times whenever I am asked to run errands....and she's always concerned about my brother eating and not eating. And she said all those in less than 3 hours when he jz had his mcdonalds..of which the meals for him are like meant for two people like that.

Whateva lah..maybe it's God's ways of telling me that Im just am not prepared for marrriage. I guess it's so fine with me lah..I dont want to end up in a family where I would be more forced to be at the beck and call of people.

Im not looking for anybody...coz I dont want to get married coz right now...my ten children at home are calling to get for them things.

Gawd Im So Sensitive

Hey...man I've gotta stop being obssessed with taking pics of myself! I mean..hey..a little bit of self-praising can do wonders for ur personality and boost ur self confidence..but..............if it means putting them up on friendster, personal blog, on the ofc table, shoving them to ur team member's face numerous times..and taking pic of myself with her own handphone and putting it up as its wallpaper..this has GOTTA stop..heh...although the last bit was so darn cool.

But u know what..I guess it takes guts..LOTSA of it..to finallie come to terms with the way you looked now compared to before and how much you dont want to look like that anymore. And the hardest thing? Maintaining that look. You just feel like u went for a dry clean onlie to be tumbled dry lateR which makes a perfectly toussled hair...freakin messy. Eurgh...and I dont want to be putting on cakes and cakes of make up on my face like an extra skin that doesnt match my actual skin tone at all....so u know wat? Everyday, I am portraying my natural looks..no foundation..no concealers...my new pimple scars..or those pimples about to be formed...in all its glory. But of coz, a sticky oily face is still a no-no and what is the gadget for that? Always blot it with a..er...blotting paper with some light powder for a matte look. If the hair is suddenly 'blown' away by some unexpected wind, just toussle it back lah..but do it..with style..haha..

I guess Im kinda overwhelmed a bit by the looks I got from u know...guys.....not coz I wore the most sheer blouse or what..or the shortest mini skirt..but I guess, I dunno....I find it strange though. It's like..i'll be thinking..hey..u're good looking..u shouldnt even be looking my way...I am not even wearing make up..and im fat....and it's so so...WronG..I wanted to say that maybe im just imagining things but if it happens again and again..and again, somehow, I dont think Im imagining. But at the same time also, I also feel that while one part of me would like to embrace this so-called new image of mine...another part of me is not ready to face the world filled with good looking guys who are suddenly looking in my directions. It felt like..all this time, I had been pushed aside coz I got bigger and bigger...and I look more and more beyond my age..that when I happened to glance at them, it felt like the biggest mistake to do that. I thought that they noticed but turned away like as if saying..eh what is this fat girl looking at me for? It's so much like I dont know where I stand.

It was quite saddening for me as I felt like I got no sense of attractiveness and the more I looked at my pics...the more disgusted I felt. I wanted to do something about it but circumstances would pull me back. But I still went forth and slowly make the changes. And now that I am winning the battles in a slow but steady manner, I found the sudden attention to me..a bit overwhelming. Now I know how my friend felt....I dunno man...Im so bloody confused.

And yeah..I do want people to see me as 'sexy' or 'hot' in my own defining ways..simply coz it'd be exciting especially if happens to be the real deal. I know I haven’t reach that stage yet lah but at the same time, I do not want my case to be of one where people are always trying to comfort me jz coz all this while, I have been 'dateless' or they think that I lack self confidence. True, not many people can totally embrace in being themselves without some form of insecurities or what. But I tell ya...I don't need people to always assure me that hey..Im 'unique' or 'sweet' or 'lovable' or 'kind hearted'..blah blah blah....but do tell me things as it is..dont have to fabricate stuffs about me jz coz they think that me being fat or bigger than the rest of the friends...mean that I have a bloody low self esteem.

Frankly speaking, I can take care of myself. I am not the type who feels so down and out coz no one ever expresses interest in me or the last time I dated was like...like..well...ok i never dated before. But dont shower pity on me. Sure, I complain about me being fat but I believe it has nothing to do with my poor love life or what. Sure I complain about me not being on 'par' with other average guys coz of my size. But it's just a phase that I am sure most girls experience like they always feel tat they're not good enough and they want to do something about it. Some may be complacent and continue to be as what they am but continue to complain. But im not that type. Slowly i pick myself up and see where I have gone wrong and wat I can do to change my life and people's perceptions about me. But pple dont have to stroke my ego or what..coz I dont need to be taken for a ride.

I may be nice or sweet to people..but that's just me. it has nothing to do with my waist size or how chubby I am. LIke as if i have to be extra nice or extra jovial to prove to people that just because I am of this size, I have to work harder at making people sit up and take notice of me. Or make those qualities of mine as the basis of comfort for people as assurance to me that no matter what, I am 'unique' or 'special'. I am unique already coz there's no one quite like me so way way before people start telling me that...I already know.

I know it sounds rather crude lah the way im expressing this like I am not appreciative of whatever nice comments people have about me. I know too that they meant no harm. But really...take me as I am..dont try so hard to cover up my flaws so I will onlie look at my strengths. Then how am I supposed to learn? How am I supposed to improve myself? Tell me stuffs like hey...u know what? I think u should try to speak up a bit so people know that u got interesting things to say..not like...ure a sweet gal..I am sure people appreciate u for that already. It's so tiring hearing people trying to cover up for me. I am not gonna cry. I just have to accept facts lah. So what? It's not the end of the world for me. Just do something to improve about them lah!

Like my friend said just now yeah..I do look like I lost weight but maybe can work out on the butt a bit more lah. See? And also she taught a yoga move that can help to reduce waist size a bit. It's like..be honest..dont over do it with saccharine sweet words..

Well...I guess I seriously need to change people's perceptions of me. I still will continue to be the person I am but with an 'edge'. Sure, it's rather overwhelming to have people turn to look my way especially if they have seen me before but never quite paid attention until they slowly start to see the differences. I suppose I am trying to accept my renewed self slowly but surely so it's quite a rocky start. Dont worry..I am not mad at anyone. Everyone has something to say.....but when it's time to tell as it is.....dont have to cover up for me anymore. Let me learn to deal with the truth slowly. It may hurt me sometimes...but it is effective in the long run as there would definitely be improvements.

Long Weekend, A Little Rambling & My Lack of Gratitude

The day I discover IG filters It's almost mid week to August..argh. I am in the midst of a long weekend, which sadly will come to ...