Living Each Single Day

Hey, welcome to my little online space. I would say this is a blog of sorts, to help me sort out my thoughts. I also write about things going in my life with friends & family and being out and about in sunny Singapore. Life isn't easy, everyone knows that. While we are at it, don't forget to live life to the fullest :)

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Monday, October 27, 2014

I Should Have Known Better

The last couple of weeks have been hard for me and as I'm trying to climb my way back up again, I prayed to God to give me the strength to face this tough time. I've also been doing some self reflection and I know that this is just a way to test me to not falter and to learn from my mistakes. However difficult the position that I'm in right now, He's also helping me out during these tough times.

This week, I prayed to Him to help me receive orders through my online shop so that I can continue to support my family. For the first time ever, I received a whopping 8 orders just this week itself. Such a miracle and I'm truly blessed for it. I've also received some financial help that would help me get through this week. 

While it's been a difficult road right now, it's also easy to digress. I came to a point earlier this evening where I picked up things from the bookshop which I had difficulty letting go off due to the ongoing promotion and the rarity of finding such item. But in total, I would have to fork out more than $10 and during this difficult period, if they don't serve any purpose for my current projects, they are mere extras. I deliberated a lot until I decided to get three of the items which I thought was on promotion and it would have cost me $9.00

However, at the counter it was a totally different thing. After the member's discount, I would end up paying 13 over dollars. If I had the money, I would have shrugged it off and still pay. But I was trying to save money and use whatever I have sparingly so I told her directly that I thought they're on discount. So she got them checked out. Turned out, the poster was very misleading and the ones I got didn't qualify for the discount. I wanted those things so badly but in my situation, I had to sadly say I didn't want them.

In the end, I walked out of the bookshop without buying a single thing. Then came my next hurdle. Buying takeaway food for my mum. I might have said this many times on this blog but I actually dislike buying takeaway food because it's a waste of money. But mum said buy means buy so I had to pop buy KFC to buy her favourite drink with an accompanying meal. Again, I thought of buying the value box that already had the sejora drink so technically, I didn't have to top up to change the drink. 

Then at the last minute, I thought why not get the snackers box instead. It's cheaper at $4.00 and since the whole point of me bothering to queue at KFC was because of that sejora drink, I just have to change the drink. So yah, technically I paid $4.90 and I saved $1.50.

I remembered at one point I was really really poor and I had to be super drastic with how I spent my money and that includes having to walk home after buying groceries to save transport. Back then, I still could somehow scrap through with such pay because the price of things didn't shoot up until about two years ago. My pay increased and so are the general price of things which is why I thought there was no WAY I could survive on the income I'm earning right now.

Now I tried to scrap through whatever I have by simply avoiding buying things unnecessarily including buying snack food. I've also cut down  on my trips to the bookshop to 'top' up my supplies because of the fear that they will not re-stock it anymore. Now I thought if they don't restock, it's not as if there aren't any other things to buy.

I can't guarantee how long I'll be this miserable but I'm taking baby steps to get out of this poverty stricken times by knowing better how to deal with it head on.

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Sunday, October 26, 2014

Living with an Exteme OCD Mum

My mum has an extreme OCD with toilet cleanliness and personal hygiene. She's always been OCD but now, it has become like a totally different ball game. Her obsession has become extreme and for someone who doesn't get angry easily, annoyed yes, her OCD drives me absolutely nuts. The water hose has to be positioned this way, she has to hear water running all the time otherwise she assumes I'm not using water at all and after I leave the washroom, most times she asks me to go in again and wash the floor another time.

She simply doesn't trust that I've done all the above. No trust at all. She will say that it's very smelly and the 'best' part is? Despite all the cleaning that I've done, before my brother can use the washroom to bathe or to pee, she has to wash it all first because she thinks after I've gone in, it's still dirty.

I don't know about other people, I feel like I've done more than enough. How do I know this? The water bill has been on the rise and I've struggled to pay them and a few times, getting risked having the supplies cut off. Did she learn? Obviously not. And because I'm the one whose paying, I feel the pinch and I don't see the need why should I turn the water pipe on all the time when I'm not the soap or other toiletries or when I'm brushing my teeth. 

A few times I lashed out back at her even though I told myself to keep calm because I mean, how could you not? I've done my explanation that yes I DID on the water pipe, I DID brush my twice (yes, you read it right) and I DID clean the floor yet she still doesn't trust me? I mean, would you feel if someone consistently tell you in your face that they don't trust you? After awhile you just give up but what do you do if it happens every single day?!

Also she makes it a point every time she goes to the toilet to come and tell me how to go about cleaning the floor, wash the hands and hang the water hose. Every. Single. Time.

For quite a long period of time, her OCD seems under control but nowadays, it's mutated or something. I know she doesn't see this as a form of illness but I do. She's probably thinking that I'm the dirtiest person in the world and there's nothing wrong with her.

I hope God give me strength to not lose my temper easily over this matter. I know she's my mother and she's done a lot for us so I don't want to sin over this. I often try to keep to myself but the way she interrogates about my movement and her blatant untrusting words to me, it's really difficult to not want to speak for myself.

I also hope God makes her less OCD to save us our sanity and also save our increasing water bills.

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Wednesday, October 22, 2014

Tough Times & The Hero in Us

I've been feeling down recently at the turn of events in my life. I felt like I was losing control and I also felt like I didn't do enough to save my situation. I blamed everyone and I blamed myself but at the end of the day, there's no point blaming people. If it happens, it happens and where do we go from here? We try to see what we can do to save ourselves from this undesirable situation, and little by little, I hope to see improvements and that things will turn around significantly.

Have you ever felt this way, where you think you have things under control and then suddenly, your life just goes spiralling down? I've gone through such episodes multiple times and it pains me every time this has to happen. Sometimes I wish why can't I do anything right. Why must this happen to me..again? Where have I gone wrong? 

Maybe there are a few reasons here and there as to why things may have gone wrong. They may not be so obvious because some things, if they want to happen, they just happen, followed by feelings of nauseousness and the blame game begins. But in opportunities like these, we seek to analyze where have we gone wrong. My brother told me it's nobody's fault and that shut my whining off for awhile. I could whine until the cows come home and the situation will not be of any better.

But that may be the very stepping stone for me to rebuild my finances again. Yes, it's the old game again where the finances have once again, dipped low again no matter how I tried to improve the situation. As mentioned, it could be stemming from reasons that aren't so obvious at that point of time that could lead to my once again, financial downfall, and now I will be more careful and more vigilant.

This episode will bring out the hero in me and in true grit and determination, I wish to turn my life around and this time, I hope it will be the last time. I know I've said this multiple of times but I also feel like I'm not giving my 100% because it involves working hard. Unless the money falls on your lap, or we're born into a rich family, the rest of mere mortals like us have to work hard all the time. So what if there are setbacks. We just have to be more creative in finding that extra income to make people pay us instead of us paying them all the time when we ourselves barely have enough to support.

That's the very reason why I didn't go to the garage sale which is like the ONLY garage sale of the year because all branded make up lines are going at such dirt cheap prices. Because of that reason too, I am not going to queue up to buy the cupcake at $4 a pop even though I've been waiting for that particular flavour and today is a public holiday so I'm not working.

Yes, it sucks big time. But I think I won't feel any better as well if I were to go to either one and then be unhappy because I'm only catering to my own happiness during tough times like these. I contribute to other people's income while I don't have enough for me and my family.

If you're going through tough times like these, just think that this is only temporary. Perhaps this is a good time to do a self reflection to see what have gone wrong and what can you do to turn things around. I will definitely get out of this situation asap and I shall be the hero/heroine to help me.

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Saturday, October 18, 2014

When The World Comes Crashing Down on Me

There were many instances where I felt my world had crashed and burned to a point I entertained thoughts about how life would be like if I'm no longer around. I didn't think about how I could make the effort to turn things around as though it has come to a point where everything has become pointless. 

I've now come to the crossroad again. I thought I have things in order and I'm often scared to go back to a time I'm so poor, I had to sell my precious things off, at a mere $5 each. As though you think that was so 'peanuts', it was but it somehow added to my already small stash of cash that I have that was barely enough to top up my fare card then.

While I have not come to such a low point again, I have come close to it and I've done things that I'm not proud of. I am currently facing an undesirable financial situation, again, but I knew somehow it would catch up on me again. This month, I had to pay double my usual for the utilities bill, or risk having the electricity cut off. I had no other choice but I had to dig into my hard earned saving for the last month I made through my online shop. I was on a roll last month and I managed to save $300 after I told  myself to start saving my earnings.

Alas, the extra payment for the utilities took that earnings away and yet again, I'm back to being less financially well off. It's hard to deal with difficulties like these because it made me feel like I'm incapable of running my life. I know money isn't everything and you can have a LOT of money and still be unhappy. I'm happy if I have some money to at least last me until my next pay. I'm also trying to save up to repair my current laptop by changing the screen and I need at least $400. Now I feel like I'm going back to square one.

But I'm not giving up. It's probably a lesson to me too as I admit I was quite a spendthrift last month because I went cray cray over the discounts offered in the craft supplies stores as they were giving lucrative discounts to lure us poor customers. It didn't help too that there were many new arrivals of things from my fav manufacturers and I kept buying supplies. I went a little overboard and I also spent a bit more on food for myself, which I usually didn't because I am super stingy. 

The family situation didn't help either. While my brother would practically eat anything we give, my mum would be the one fussing over what food to give him. She is going back to the time where I often buy food from outside because she doesn't feel like cooking. It's difficult to say 'no' to her because she would make it a big deal over it like we're not giving her a break from washing our clothes for us. 

While God has been kind to me by giving me orders every week, somehow I haven't come to a point where I feel like my side income is supplementing enough. However, I know I would have to work extra hard and maybe, my current undesirable financial situation would make me work towards it and be more laser focused. 

Now that my fees are settled, my next aim is to get this laptop repaired asap and I've given the timeline to be by end of next month. I guess some things have to happen to make us wake up and look at how we're dealing with life. 

Even my world has currently crashed..again...this time round, I will rebuild it at a faster rate and with a stronger determination.

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Sunday, October 12, 2014

Being an Adult vs Behaving Like an Adult

Sometimes I wish I am back at those time when I basically am problem free, don't have to be so majorly calculative and be paying bills and loans off. But alas, for how long can I be stuck in the past. I just have to move on and deal with the problems.

However, some people just don't seem to behave like adults and that irks me. A lot. The issue has always been with other people but they don't realize that they are also the cause, or even the ONLY cause of problem. I really dislike it when people play the 'oh woe is me' game because they make themselves become so selfish like expect people to entertain them as and when they like but they don't give the same kind of treatment to others. 

I wish these people will 'grow up'. Physically yes, they're fully grown but somehow they don't behave like one. Everyone has their problems, some much bigger than others, to a point of pain and suffering where they are totally helpless. But do these sort of people care? No. There are people who don't even know if they can even afford their next meal. Yet, there are also people who throw a tantrum when they don't get to eat what they want to eat.  

I always think that my problems are major but seeing people on the news who see death and destruction everywhere and not knowing if themselves or their loved ones will ever get to see the next day. Sometimes in between seeing these catastrophes, I do selfishly think that I've got problems of my own to deal. Well, my problems can be solved, although not all of the time, but I do believe if I think hard enough, I can somehow make some of them less problematic. 

You'll be surprised at how some adults, even with grandchildren, can behave badly towards other people and their selfishness is so overwhelming. They don't care about you because they have only one person to care about; themselves. But then, if THEY have problems, they are quick to make it into some soap drama-ish moment and you will feel bad for not helping them somehow. But then when it's over, or they get what they hope to get, they're back to being their selfish mode again and passing criticism as though other people are sooooo problematic, unlike them.

I just have one advice for these kind of people. Grow up. Soon people will just throw you under a bus, not literally but then again who knows, because they just can't take your selfish and critical attitude. Yah, you may do adult things like earning a living, paying the bills and so on, but if your attitude is lousy and childish, people couldn't be bothered anymore if ever you bring up your sob stories. Do have at least some respect for other people who have their own things to deal with, rather than just dismissing them off easily.

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