Not Enough
Gosh..with my state of mind like this...what with the kind of news and interrogation given by the doctor just now during my father's check up at the hospital..and the thought of how am I gonna cope with my family's future expenditures...Im almost driven to the point of insanity. I don't want to think of the worst but you just have to be prepared for it somehow..someday...and it's hard enough trying to stay upright on a balancing beam. Sometimes, I felt like I've been given few chances to make it better but I screwed up. However, if I recalled, I didn't think I did and I planned carefully on anything and everything involving my family putting myself aside at times but it just always felt that I didn't do enough for them. I felt that I did not sacrifice enough or at some point, I had made mistakes along the way making me feel like Im back to square one. I guess only God knows if Im doing things correctly because right now, I am feeling like Im doing more damage than good. Whenever I felt like Im at my lowest point, I would tell myself that at least Im slightly better than I was before because I have made an effort to improve the state I was in but most times, I felt like I slide back down to that low point again. I'm trying very hard but Im thinking it's just not hard enough and I have disappointed my family time and time again.
I know that everyone has their fair share of problems including family problems be it medical, relationships, financial problems but we all like to put on a false front. It is not doing me any good because it felt like Im worse off than everybody while the rest are breezing through their problems even though that may not be the case. I am feeling like the biggest failure of all...Im such a huge disappointment to my family. How can I not see it? How can THEY not see it? Why do they keep seeing me as a reliable daughter they can count on?! Cant they see that Im doing them mojre damage every single freaking day?!
Sorrie...I've been rather emotionally unstable right now because I felt like I didn't make full use of the several God-sent help given to me even though I did think I had been doing the right things. But I just don't know where have I gone wrong...I feel like Im making mistakes without even me knowing it and then wham! it hits me right back on the face and Im left in a daze thinking 'what happened?!'...
Still, I have to be strong. I just have to keep holding on no matter how thin the thread may get. This is just not a matter of survival for me but for my family. F**k them who thinks that I should be thinking about my own future...with my own family and my own children. This family IS my future. I don't care if I end up alone with no companionship or in an old folk's home. If they can manage to bring me up with little education and little pay while trying to cope with a lot of difficulties along the way, I should be repaying them back their kindness as a way of saying thank you for not giving up and sacrificing a lot including their sleep just to go out to work while others were busy dreaming in bed.
I know bills are unavoidable along with daily expenses and other kinds of expenses that may turn up uninvited. And my family is not the only one having to cope with that. But they all make it seem like such a breeze even though it is not the case and they are also working as hard as ever to make sure there is food on the table along with water and electricity supplies. Every day Im trying to survive...I really am...
Okay..whatever it is, I just leave the past behind and I know that from the start of this year, I have been doing all I can to make sure there is some savings to fall back on if there is a need to use some money. If there is one thing good that I want to say right now is that so far, I have been on the right track by keeping to my promise and it has not been disappointing. I just keep recalling back the past especially the last two three months when I felt like I was such a huge disappointment to my family and never had I experienced so much fear before like what is my family going to eat the next day. And Im thankful that my parents have been supporting me in any way that they can to help ease the burden a bit and without their help, I don't think I will be looking forward to any day.
I think I should concentrate on the future instead. Help my family not just for now but for the future too and stop thinking about the past anymore. We all make mistakes but even if we have supposedly learnt from the past mistakes, at times we tend to make them again without realising it. Unfortunately, it hurts twice that way so from this moment on, I shall just forget about the past and think about tomorrow. Im just human and so are the people who had failed a few times previously, did not give up and eventually become successful in every way they can. I just need to believe in myself that I can do it and make sure that every step I make, it is not a mistake that I am gonna regret.
This is the lyrics taken from Avril Lavigne's latest single called Keep Holding On. I can just imagine singing that song to myself as a reminder that I need to be strong to make it through the hard times...as I have only myself to rely on.
You're not alone
Together we stand
I'll be by your side
You know I'll take your hand
When it gets cold
And it feels like the end
There's no place to go
You know I won't give in
No, I won't give in...
Keep holdin' on
Cause you know we'll make it through
We'll make it through
Just stay strong Cause you know I'm here for you
I'm here for you
There's nothing you can say
Nothing you can do
And There's no other way when it comes to the truth
So, keep holding on
Cause you know we'll make it through
We'll make it through ...
Hear me when I say
When I say I believe.
Nothing's gonna change
Nothing's gonna change destiny
Whatever's meant to be
Will work out perfectly
I know that everyone has their fair share of problems including family problems be it medical, relationships, financial problems but we all like to put on a false front. It is not doing me any good because it felt like Im worse off than everybody while the rest are breezing through their problems even though that may not be the case. I am feeling like the biggest failure of all...Im such a huge disappointment to my family. How can I not see it? How can THEY not see it? Why do they keep seeing me as a reliable daughter they can count on?! Cant they see that Im doing them mojre damage every single freaking day?!
Sorrie...I've been rather emotionally unstable right now because I felt like I didn't make full use of the several God-sent help given to me even though I did think I had been doing the right things. But I just don't know where have I gone wrong...I feel like Im making mistakes without even me knowing it and then wham! it hits me right back on the face and Im left in a daze thinking 'what happened?!'...
Still, I have to be strong. I just have to keep holding on no matter how thin the thread may get. This is just not a matter of survival for me but for my family. F**k them who thinks that I should be thinking about my own future...with my own family and my own children. This family IS my future. I don't care if I end up alone with no companionship or in an old folk's home. If they can manage to bring me up with little education and little pay while trying to cope with a lot of difficulties along the way, I should be repaying them back their kindness as a way of saying thank you for not giving up and sacrificing a lot including their sleep just to go out to work while others were busy dreaming in bed.
I know bills are unavoidable along with daily expenses and other kinds of expenses that may turn up uninvited. And my family is not the only one having to cope with that. But they all make it seem like such a breeze even though it is not the case and they are also working as hard as ever to make sure there is food on the table along with water and electricity supplies. Every day Im trying to survive...I really am...
Okay..whatever it is, I just leave the past behind and I know that from the start of this year, I have been doing all I can to make sure there is some savings to fall back on if there is a need to use some money. If there is one thing good that I want to say right now is that so far, I have been on the right track by keeping to my promise and it has not been disappointing. I just keep recalling back the past especially the last two three months when I felt like I was such a huge disappointment to my family and never had I experienced so much fear before like what is my family going to eat the next day. And Im thankful that my parents have been supporting me in any way that they can to help ease the burden a bit and without their help, I don't think I will be looking forward to any day.
I think I should concentrate on the future instead. Help my family not just for now but for the future too and stop thinking about the past anymore. We all make mistakes but even if we have supposedly learnt from the past mistakes, at times we tend to make them again without realising it. Unfortunately, it hurts twice that way so from this moment on, I shall just forget about the past and think about tomorrow. Im just human and so are the people who had failed a few times previously, did not give up and eventually become successful in every way they can. I just need to believe in myself that I can do it and make sure that every step I make, it is not a mistake that I am gonna regret.
This is the lyrics taken from Avril Lavigne's latest single called Keep Holding On. I can just imagine singing that song to myself as a reminder that I need to be strong to make it through the hard times...as I have only myself to rely on.
You're not alone
Together we stand
I'll be by your side
You know I'll take your hand
When it gets cold
And it feels like the end
There's no place to go
You know I won't give in
No, I won't give in...
Keep holdin' on
Cause you know we'll make it through
We'll make it through
Just stay strong Cause you know I'm here for you
I'm here for you
There's nothing you can say
Nothing you can do
And There's no other way when it comes to the truth
So, keep holding on
Cause you know we'll make it through
We'll make it through ...
Hear me when I say
When I say I believe.
Nothing's gonna change
Nothing's gonna change destiny
Whatever's meant to be
Will work out perfectly
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