I started my morning on a clean slate today. DON'T KNOW WHy..but it felt good though..hehe. Suprisingly, after days of trying to be in the MRt by 7.31am and NOT suprisingly, I failed...I actually managed to get the train by that time. And I didn't even expect to be early today. Seriously. Especially on a Monday. You know the deal with Mondays. If you have been following my entry, there is only reason why I wanted to take the train at that time so badly but yet today, despite being early...my mind somehow wandered off already that Im slowly forgetting the existence of the mysterious crush. Didn't I tell you that for the past year in 2006, my crushes have been nothing but useless. They're not dumbos with looks to boot but with no batteries in their brain and I know one of them hold a post higher than the execs in my office who are disorganized...mentally challenged...and with hearts of stone. I guess it just boils down to my 'mixed feelings' on whether Im missing out something in life that there does not seem to be any point of actual interest followed by interaction by the male species. As much as I like being single, I think it's just normal that at times we tend to think too much or read too much into our behaviour or the way we act which may seem to be a major turn-off to the male species. It doesn't help too that the very very few people like me (okay okay...im the ONLY young and single one in the twenties) are being subjected to teasing with one woman ridiculously asking me suddenly if my mother ever makes an attempt trying to matchmake me with some guy.
I told her honestly my mum doesn't mind and that I have other commitments as of now that I don't think I am able to spend time on a relationship yet but it is something subjective and not cast in stone. For example, if such a day comes, I may have to decide or even learn to juggle with my time. If I recalled, didn' t I say that very recently during the end of our meeting when we talked freely among ourselves that there is nothing wrong in being single because some things take time and are worth the wait. And she did agree on that too. Look woman, I know you have a great marriage and a great relationship with your husband and your have four kids and you never fail to mention everyday about this to us. But seriously, don't think everyone is into the idea of having a family with a brood of kids. And she herself said that yah, nowadays people can be so insensitive and may ask questions like why we are not married yet and if we are, when are we going to have children and if we have one child, when are we going to have another one..and another one..and another one. People can say anything they want and when she gave that as an example, I said that yah..you need to be strong and just answer them or heck about them because seriously, some people have no other topics to talk about. I didn't mean to use that as sarcasm against her in which she apologised because she was just curious. Then she gave me examples of her relatives who were forced to get married just for the sake of getting ownership of the mother's house but instead, after marriage her brother took it over and sold it so there was really no point in the marriage because she did not get to keep the house. In another story, she read about a woman who was constantly forced by her family members to get married and she finally did when she met a man from overseas via the net. But when she went to his home country, turned out that he was jobless and she was fed up about it. Then one day he brought her to one place to supposedly find her a job because she had been complaining about his state of unemployment. However, when she got there...apparently, he used her by trying to sell her off to work as a sex slave or prostitute.
So she DoEs know that the moral of the story is......don't be kepo. Or don't be too busybody on why some people are happily married while some others are struggling to get one single date. I don't know about others but Im okay if people ask. I won't get into this spasm moment where I would shoot back to the person and say 'why cannot ah?' with eyes rolling and all. I would if I wanted to but it's seriously pointless lah.
Anyway, maybe I've been a bit under stress lately without me knowing it. It felt like I was going through a mental block that did not allow to think carefully and made me focus on my flaws instead such as physical insecurities. Also, I was disappointed with myself a bit because I failed to take the MRT at a designated time which caused me to be sour for the rest of days.But today, it felt as if I had let go of such insecurities to a point I didn't even care if I see him or not. Sometimes we tried so hard to forget the bad things and start afresh but it is just not possible. However, one day *poof!* all your worries seem to disappear and you carry on your life like you did before. I think it is just up to you. Do you want to let go or you want to remain like that for the rest of your life. It may sound very cliche-ish but time does heal everything but it is whether we can actually let go of our ,anger, frustrations, state of depression or be forgiving. If God can forgive, who are we to hold on to hatred and revenge being just a mere mortal?
We may not realise it but the anger that we bear deep down inside ourselves may cause us to drag our feet through life because we are not able to let go of the load which is getting heavier to carry each and every day. Of course, we don't 'instantly' let go of such emotional burden. It takes time but if you keep in your heart that you want to be free, who knows one day God will think that is high time He stop testing you and let your mind be clear for once. Until the next test.. I hope I don't get such emotional burden for a long time because it can be very exhausting and it felt as though my life came to a standstill and worse, I don't know what to do or don't even feel like doing anything. Well, let's enjoy life yah?
I told her honestly my mum doesn't mind and that I have other commitments as of now that I don't think I am able to spend time on a relationship yet but it is something subjective and not cast in stone. For example, if such a day comes, I may have to decide or even learn to juggle with my time. If I recalled, didn' t I say that very recently during the end of our meeting when we talked freely among ourselves that there is nothing wrong in being single because some things take time and are worth the wait. And she did agree on that too. Look woman, I know you have a great marriage and a great relationship with your husband and your have four kids and you never fail to mention everyday about this to us. But seriously, don't think everyone is into the idea of having a family with a brood of kids. And she herself said that yah, nowadays people can be so insensitive and may ask questions like why we are not married yet and if we are, when are we going to have children and if we have one child, when are we going to have another one..and another one..and another one. People can say anything they want and when she gave that as an example, I said that yah..you need to be strong and just answer them or heck about them because seriously, some people have no other topics to talk about. I didn't mean to use that as sarcasm against her in which she apologised because she was just curious. Then she gave me examples of her relatives who were forced to get married just for the sake of getting ownership of the mother's house but instead, after marriage her brother took it over and sold it so there was really no point in the marriage because she did not get to keep the house. In another story, she read about a woman who was constantly forced by her family members to get married and she finally did when she met a man from overseas via the net. But when she went to his home country, turned out that he was jobless and she was fed up about it. Then one day he brought her to one place to supposedly find her a job because she had been complaining about his state of unemployment. However, when she got there...apparently, he used her by trying to sell her off to work as a sex slave or prostitute.
So she DoEs know that the moral of the story is......don't be kepo. Or don't be too busybody on why some people are happily married while some others are struggling to get one single date. I don't know about others but Im okay if people ask. I won't get into this spasm moment where I would shoot back to the person and say 'why cannot ah?' with eyes rolling and all. I would if I wanted to but it's seriously pointless lah.
Anyway, maybe I've been a bit under stress lately without me knowing it. It felt like I was going through a mental block that did not allow to think carefully and made me focus on my flaws instead such as physical insecurities. Also, I was disappointed with myself a bit because I failed to take the MRT at a designated time which caused me to be sour for the rest of days.But today, it felt as if I had let go of such insecurities to a point I didn't even care if I see him or not. Sometimes we tried so hard to forget the bad things and start afresh but it is just not possible. However, one day *poof!* all your worries seem to disappear and you carry on your life like you did before. I think it is just up to you. Do you want to let go or you want to remain like that for the rest of your life. It may sound very cliche-ish but time does heal everything but it is whether we can actually let go of our ,anger, frustrations, state of depression or be forgiving. If God can forgive, who are we to hold on to hatred and revenge being just a mere mortal?
We may not realise it but the anger that we bear deep down inside ourselves may cause us to drag our feet through life because we are not able to let go of the load which is getting heavier to carry each and every day. Of course, we don't 'instantly' let go of such emotional burden. It takes time but if you keep in your heart that you want to be free, who knows one day God will think that is high time He stop testing you and let your mind be clear for once. Until the next test.. I hope I don't get such emotional burden for a long time because it can be very exhausting and it felt as though my life came to a standstill and worse, I don't know what to do or don't even feel like doing anything. Well, let's enjoy life yah?
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