Mariah and my secret
hehe...i want to thank my friend mariah for writing such a nice entry about me..hehe..this is just me paying back..err..her kindness :)..but anyway, sorry ah if i use your entry as an example because i don't know head or tail lah.
hrm, I knew mariah (a nickname she hates..but who cares..hee) from our pre-u days. It was a well known fact that I was the 'quiet one' who joined their class as a repeat student and gawd I hate that status but I had to pay for my 'crime'. I was quiet because I felt that I would not be accepted and seen as a failure instead. I kinda stuck to one or two people because they just happened to sit in the row as me. I remembered Mariah but she didn't seem approachable lah and she seemed to view me as 'different' because I could sense from the way she looked at me and I remembered she sat near the window behind my row of table. Or was it the next two row..er..dunnolah.
but then..dunno how....as I got to be cheerful all over again because I felt so accepted in this class, I knew Mariah better. at times, she was so bubbly but most of the time she would suddenly be so quiet. It was like she was going through this moody phase and I did remembered clearly at one time, it was her birthday but she had a sour face since the morning I see her and I didn't understand like whats so bad about birthdays. If Im not wrong..she was a bit peeved that she was getting older. Even when we gave her gifts..she didn't seem too happy with them and I was thinking..gawd....people bothered about your birthday and you are like so damn choosy. After that incident, we kinda told one another how unhappy she was and we ourselves were not too pleased either.
and I also knew about her crush with one of our classmates and as we got to know each other more, we kinda bitched about that classmate's other crushes and it was horrible I tell you! hehe..we were saying all this negative things about her. I also remembered that she and i were into chatting and we got to know this guy..forgot the name..and we also bitched about one girl (tht one also we said a lot of nasty things) and it was not because we were so bitchy but apparently, she knew the guy too and she was the one who said so many nasty things about us because she was jealous and we remembered that in school, she was super nice to us! Like..what the hey?! We smiled back at her or laughed a bit with her but behind her back..we were like..'die bitch..die!' hahahaahaha....
but mariah left us later that year and the class felt rather empty. However, I still get to see her because she was there most of the time whenever we had gatherings. Until now, she is 'on' about gatherings but then....don't talk about the rest.
if you ask me, until quite recently, I felt that she was treating me quite coldly and didn't seem interested whenever I tried to talk to her like she held some personal grudge against me. I know she is close with the others girls such as siti and min but with me, when she talked her tone would completely change so I did not really mix around with her that much if I don't want to risk being sad or pushed away. at times, I thought that maybe im not as intelligent as her because she is very well versed and she loves poems until now and she reads voraciously. so maybe I thought I am not of the same calibre as her and she may find me just purely nonsensical. but i can't please everyone right? so i kinda stuck with others like sherry and nats because they didn't see me as any different and we would laugh and talk together like old buddies.
I thought that I will never get to be good buddies with her and the only thing that we could converse was us complaining about how stick thin others are and that we don't need to be like them to be happy. YOu know..even when I was losing weight at one point of time, I felt rather bad because I remembered our promise to each other that we will never be like them. I still keep that promise as it is a promise that makes sense.
Oh yah! I remembered back then in school...she was damn confident of herself that I wished I was like her. Well, I am one who totally lacks self confidence but there she was, not shunning away from clothes like me and I hated to go to shopping outlets because I didnt want to risk being laughed at. But she made me confident to experiment with clothes and gave me tips along the way too until now because we must pamper ourselves..or..something like that lah..hehe. Well now, I do worry when she tells me about her insecurities which I can completely understand but I know deep down inside, if she does not think so much about her insecurities, she will be fine and I try my best to assure her that she should think positively about herself because I know she is capable of doing that. I have seen her bounce back up a few times and it's really nice to see her all cheery and in our usual loony antics whenever we're out meeting each other.
I am surprised that we have grown closer since mid last year I think and I do amaze myself like..eh...me and mariah are like good buddies now which is beyond my comprehension...and to think that I very seldom called or even messaged her in the past. I have not changed in any ways like becoming more intelligent or something and still have that lameness in me...hehehe...plus she's still as intellectual as ever so I can't exactly point the time when we grew closer. I also enjoy makan or eating sessions with her and we have eaten from arab food to japanese food..oh and seoul food..hehe...and it was always a pleasure eating with her! Yumz!
I guess I can safely say that maybe we grew closer because we got to know each other better that behind our facade is our struggles to maintain our sanity taking care of our families. We share experiences with each other and I am surprised that she is so understanding unlike other people who may think that I dont know how to be independent of my mum who is extremely controlling over me. Knowing her as a fiercely independent girl, I would expect her to say the common things I hear about my mum which can be very sad to me because it did feel as though they were badmouthing my mum even if it is just a gesture of concern. It's not because I like being controlled but I still have to respect her because she is after all my mum and she has the right to my life to a certain extent too. But Mariah was so understanding that I was pretty baffled and at the same time touched too. She also offered me tips to appease my mum..hehe...which i do follow but you know...to my mum it is not enough. At the same time too, I have to understand that it is not just because she wants to 'punish' me in some ways but Mariah told me that she was just being concerned about me.
In turn, I listen to her woes and her struggles especially when at one point of time, she lost her job and it was not easy for her to cope with her finances because she is also responsible for her family affairs. At first, she didn't seem so open about it but I was very concerned and tried to listen to her and I understand what she was going through because I myself had experienced some financial crisis and it was not easy coping with it. It was because of this understanding that even though my savings were not that much and I was also struggling to get through with each day's expenses, I felt compelled to help Mariah to try ease her burden a bit.
During such personal crisis, we understand each other more and learn about each other beyond the surface value. I know Mariah more as a person rather than our other friends' opinions on her as a 'loud and annoying' girl because it is just one of her quirks. And I don't think it is also fair to call her like that even though initially I did think she was quite annoying especially when we were having fun together during gatherings but out of the blue, she would be all sulky or she would come with a sour face already. But then I get to understand why she behaves in that manner and to think that I do behave like that too at times and there I was labelling her as such.
Oh, and I enjoy reading her blog because through her blog, she writes heartfelt stories about her life while at the same time complaining about the people who ruined her mornings..keke...At times, she will share her favourite poems and poetic lyrics from songs..in which 'aku tak faham' or I don't understand..hehehe..and they reflect her side of personality which appreciates arts as a whole from musicals to er..well..you know lah..coz I myself don't know anything about arts. Hrm, we are like the north pole and the south pole. She's a bit clueless about I.T. and Im very the clueless about arts, no doubt about that..hehe. And I wonder how we can actually interact with each other..
Well, I just realised how close I am to her now when I received the good news about being shortlisted for an interview yet again for a teaching post and I only told her about it. Look, I didnt even tell my parents not because I was afraid they would scold me but seeing how hopeful they were of me of getting this teaching post that when I did not get it coz I already knew I screwed up big time during the interview, I could just imagine their huge disappointment. I don't want to do that to my parents again especially if *touch wood*, things don't go according to plan even though just now I tried my best to answer. Still I will always think that I can do better by saying even more things but I don't want to appear so 'fake' and at the same time, if you're under pressure it is easy to suffer bouts of mental blocks but you know...sometimes it's hard to say. I just concentrate on saying it well as though I had thought about the answers before and uhm, how much lying I had to do to cover up my tracks..keke. Well, mariah is the only person I can trust with this little secret of mine..not even my close colleagues..and she has been very supportive although firstly, she told me she felt a twinge of jealousy but I was not angry. I know that she does have a passion for teaching too but because of family obligations she had to turn down a montessori offer twice I think. Who wouldn't feel jealous so I don't hold it against her.
I want to thank her so much for her supportiveness in this week and for myself, I try not to think so much about the final outcome of the interview. I don't want to feel so hurt or so lost like the last time when I didnt get the offer and it was just so depressing to carry on with life coz I felt like I ruined my one and only opportunity to make an improvement in my life that I didn't feel like applying this post anymore. It was such a huge disappointment in myself that even thinking about it now makes me want to cry. But after knowing about my colleague's sister who was also turned down before and then thought that she had to resign to fate by being in the retail line, she applied again two years later and she got it. I thought that hey...if she can do it, why can't I so I just took a stab at it. I still felt that it was a miracle I got called back again one and half year later for an interview since my results were not exactly top notch either. The other miracle was that it was just nice that the in service meeting was held in the morning instead of the usual late afternoon and it was also a big 'no no' to apply for leave last minute either especially if there was such a meeting. It was a true miracle that I could apply for half day leave without any hiccups as if God was paving a clear path for me to just go for the interview and get ready for a change in my life.
In turn, I tried my best not to screw up this time. I tried to answer all questions confidently and articulately like I truly know my stuffs and tried to overcome patches of mental blocks quickly to show how passionate I am about wanting to teach. If I get this teaching post, it will the best thing to happen to me but for now, I just want to lie down low a bit and if God wants me to have this opportunity, He will give it to me but I won't be bitter either if He does not because I know that He has a reason for doing things. Oh, just to let you know, I WAS angry with Him at that time because I felt that He was not being fair to me. But that time, I was not ready just yet as I remembered writing about how truly sad I would be to leave the company and my close colleagues especially. But now that we are not together anymore and Im seriously suffering under this management, I am truly ready mentally and I hope God knows that too. SO I hope He knows what to do..hehe..
So yup! Thats my friend Mariah and my little confession on my 'secret of the week!' thrown in a bit.
hrm, I knew mariah (a nickname she hates..but who cares..hee) from our pre-u days. It was a well known fact that I was the 'quiet one' who joined their class as a repeat student and gawd I hate that status but I had to pay for my 'crime'. I was quiet because I felt that I would not be accepted and seen as a failure instead. I kinda stuck to one or two people because they just happened to sit in the row as me. I remembered Mariah but she didn't seem approachable lah and she seemed to view me as 'different' because I could sense from the way she looked at me and I remembered she sat near the window behind my row of table. Or was it the next two row..er..dunnolah.
but then..dunno how....as I got to be cheerful all over again because I felt so accepted in this class, I knew Mariah better. at times, she was so bubbly but most of the time she would suddenly be so quiet. It was like she was going through this moody phase and I did remembered clearly at one time, it was her birthday but she had a sour face since the morning I see her and I didn't understand like whats so bad about birthdays. If Im not wrong..she was a bit peeved that she was getting older. Even when we gave her gifts..she didn't seem too happy with them and I was thinking..gawd....people bothered about your birthday and you are like so damn choosy. After that incident, we kinda told one another how unhappy she was and we ourselves were not too pleased either.
and I also knew about her crush with one of our classmates and as we got to know each other more, we kinda bitched about that classmate's other crushes and it was horrible I tell you! hehe..we were saying all this negative things about her. I also remembered that she and i were into chatting and we got to know this guy..forgot the name..and we also bitched about one girl (tht one also we said a lot of nasty things) and it was not because we were so bitchy but apparently, she knew the guy too and she was the one who said so many nasty things about us because she was jealous and we remembered that in school, she was super nice to us! Like..what the hey?! We smiled back at her or laughed a bit with her but behind her back..we were like..'die bitch..die!' hahahaahaha....
but mariah left us later that year and the class felt rather empty. However, I still get to see her because she was there most of the time whenever we had gatherings. Until now, she is 'on' about gatherings but then....don't talk about the rest.
if you ask me, until quite recently, I felt that she was treating me quite coldly and didn't seem interested whenever I tried to talk to her like she held some personal grudge against me. I know she is close with the others girls such as siti and min but with me, when she talked her tone would completely change so I did not really mix around with her that much if I don't want to risk being sad or pushed away. at times, I thought that maybe im not as intelligent as her because she is very well versed and she loves poems until now and she reads voraciously. so maybe I thought I am not of the same calibre as her and she may find me just purely nonsensical. but i can't please everyone right? so i kinda stuck with others like sherry and nats because they didn't see me as any different and we would laugh and talk together like old buddies.
I thought that I will never get to be good buddies with her and the only thing that we could converse was us complaining about how stick thin others are and that we don't need to be like them to be happy. YOu know..even when I was losing weight at one point of time, I felt rather bad because I remembered our promise to each other that we will never be like them. I still keep that promise as it is a promise that makes sense.
Oh yah! I remembered back then in school...she was damn confident of herself that I wished I was like her. Well, I am one who totally lacks self confidence but there she was, not shunning away from clothes like me and I hated to go to shopping outlets because I didnt want to risk being laughed at. But she made me confident to experiment with clothes and gave me tips along the way too until now because we must pamper ourselves..or..something like that lah..hehe. Well now, I do worry when she tells me about her insecurities which I can completely understand but I know deep down inside, if she does not think so much about her insecurities, she will be fine and I try my best to assure her that she should think positively about herself because I know she is capable of doing that. I have seen her bounce back up a few times and it's really nice to see her all cheery and in our usual loony antics whenever we're out meeting each other.
I am surprised that we have grown closer since mid last year I think and I do amaze myself like..eh...me and mariah are like good buddies now which is beyond my comprehension...and to think that I very seldom called or even messaged her in the past. I have not changed in any ways like becoming more intelligent or something and still have that lameness in me...hehehe...plus she's still as intellectual as ever so I can't exactly point the time when we grew closer. I also enjoy makan or eating sessions with her and we have eaten from arab food to japanese food..oh and seoul food..hehe...and it was always a pleasure eating with her! Yumz!
I guess I can safely say that maybe we grew closer because we got to know each other better that behind our facade is our struggles to maintain our sanity taking care of our families. We share experiences with each other and I am surprised that she is so understanding unlike other people who may think that I dont know how to be independent of my mum who is extremely controlling over me. Knowing her as a fiercely independent girl, I would expect her to say the common things I hear about my mum which can be very sad to me because it did feel as though they were badmouthing my mum even if it is just a gesture of concern. It's not because I like being controlled but I still have to respect her because she is after all my mum and she has the right to my life to a certain extent too. But Mariah was so understanding that I was pretty baffled and at the same time touched too. She also offered me tips to appease my mum..hehe...which i do follow but you know...to my mum it is not enough. At the same time too, I have to understand that it is not just because she wants to 'punish' me in some ways but Mariah told me that she was just being concerned about me.
In turn, I listen to her woes and her struggles especially when at one point of time, she lost her job and it was not easy for her to cope with her finances because she is also responsible for her family affairs. At first, she didn't seem so open about it but I was very concerned and tried to listen to her and I understand what she was going through because I myself had experienced some financial crisis and it was not easy coping with it. It was because of this understanding that even though my savings were not that much and I was also struggling to get through with each day's expenses, I felt compelled to help Mariah to try ease her burden a bit.
During such personal crisis, we understand each other more and learn about each other beyond the surface value. I know Mariah more as a person rather than our other friends' opinions on her as a 'loud and annoying' girl because it is just one of her quirks. And I don't think it is also fair to call her like that even though initially I did think she was quite annoying especially when we were having fun together during gatherings but out of the blue, she would be all sulky or she would come with a sour face already. But then I get to understand why she behaves in that manner and to think that I do behave like that too at times and there I was labelling her as such.
Oh, and I enjoy reading her blog because through her blog, she writes heartfelt stories about her life while at the same time complaining about the people who ruined her mornings..keke...At times, she will share her favourite poems and poetic lyrics from songs..in which 'aku tak faham' or I don't understand..hehehe..and they reflect her side of personality which appreciates arts as a whole from musicals to er..well..you know lah..coz I myself don't know anything about arts. Hrm, we are like the north pole and the south pole. She's a bit clueless about I.T. and Im very the clueless about arts, no doubt about that..hehe. And I wonder how we can actually interact with each other..
Well, I just realised how close I am to her now when I received the good news about being shortlisted for an interview yet again for a teaching post and I only told her about it. Look, I didnt even tell my parents not because I was afraid they would scold me but seeing how hopeful they were of me of getting this teaching post that when I did not get it coz I already knew I screwed up big time during the interview, I could just imagine their huge disappointment. I don't want to do that to my parents again especially if *touch wood*, things don't go according to plan even though just now I tried my best to answer. Still I will always think that I can do better by saying even more things but I don't want to appear so 'fake' and at the same time, if you're under pressure it is easy to suffer bouts of mental blocks but you know...sometimes it's hard to say. I just concentrate on saying it well as though I had thought about the answers before and uhm, how much lying I had to do to cover up my tracks..keke. Well, mariah is the only person I can trust with this little secret of mine..not even my close colleagues..and she has been very supportive although firstly, she told me she felt a twinge of jealousy but I was not angry. I know that she does have a passion for teaching too but because of family obligations she had to turn down a montessori offer twice I think. Who wouldn't feel jealous so I don't hold it against her.
I want to thank her so much for her supportiveness in this week and for myself, I try not to think so much about the final outcome of the interview. I don't want to feel so hurt or so lost like the last time when I didnt get the offer and it was just so depressing to carry on with life coz I felt like I ruined my one and only opportunity to make an improvement in my life that I didn't feel like applying this post anymore. It was such a huge disappointment in myself that even thinking about it now makes me want to cry. But after knowing about my colleague's sister who was also turned down before and then thought that she had to resign to fate by being in the retail line, she applied again two years later and she got it. I thought that hey...if she can do it, why can't I so I just took a stab at it. I still felt that it was a miracle I got called back again one and half year later for an interview since my results were not exactly top notch either. The other miracle was that it was just nice that the in service meeting was held in the morning instead of the usual late afternoon and it was also a big 'no no' to apply for leave last minute either especially if there was such a meeting. It was a true miracle that I could apply for half day leave without any hiccups as if God was paving a clear path for me to just go for the interview and get ready for a change in my life.
In turn, I tried my best not to screw up this time. I tried to answer all questions confidently and articulately like I truly know my stuffs and tried to overcome patches of mental blocks quickly to show how passionate I am about wanting to teach. If I get this teaching post, it will the best thing to happen to me but for now, I just want to lie down low a bit and if God wants me to have this opportunity, He will give it to me but I won't be bitter either if He does not because I know that He has a reason for doing things. Oh, just to let you know, I WAS angry with Him at that time because I felt that He was not being fair to me. But that time, I was not ready just yet as I remembered writing about how truly sad I would be to leave the company and my close colleagues especially. But now that we are not together anymore and Im seriously suffering under this management, I am truly ready mentally and I hope God knows that too. SO I hope He knows what to do..hehe..
So yup! Thats my friend Mariah and my little confession on my 'secret of the week!' thrown in a bit.
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