Well im using my pda in the clinic where Im working now to type my journal coz I couldnt be bothered to buy a new journal, write halfway and forget its existence. We are talking trees which died for me but I disregard its existence. Wow...imagine that...deep thoughts coming from me on a Saturday morning. Argh! Life sucks when u have to work on a Saturday.
Tomorrow is Mothers' Day which doesnt really signify anything for me. Yes I know Im not a mum so what difference does it make to me. And neither do I hate my mum. She may cut me off from having a social life today by creating such a big fuss yesterday and Im still unhappy about it. Her words were so biting that if I was not strong enough, I would probably lash out coz we're talking about my dignity here.
How can she say Im some flirtatious woman doing nothing but gawk at guys. Do I even dress up like some slut and making eyes at any men for some kind of attraction? How can she not know me enough that she didn't raise a daughter who changes boyfriends like some clothes? And to top it all off, she says she dont mind if Im out on a date with some guy instead of going out with a gal pal? People appreciate the fact that my mum has such a good daughter who listens to her mummy. Im not asking my mum to think like them because I know I can be stubborn sometimes. She can also tell me things and then I will put them at the back of my mind incurring her frustrations epecially if they re quite important.
It doesnt kill me either that she doesnt say she loves me in words or give me a hug. Any form of physical contact from her I will shudder coz it does not mean a good thing whether I am five or twenty five. So when people ask me why Im so scared of my mum it's because when shes angry, you dont want to go anywhere near her.
Look Im just sick and tired of her hypocrisy towards me. Whatever she wants to think about me she can go ahead with it whether or not she means it. She can call me a slut, unreligious, flirtatious, stupid..whatever..just throw it at my face.
To me what she says about me or scolding me for whatever insignificant reasons...they are all nothing but fluff. Go ahead and treat my younger brother like some king and Im his maid who has to do what she says for his benefit. Even if it is going to destroy him one day. When such a day come, dont come crying to me. She knows I dont like how she treats him..but as usual shes too egoistic to admit it. Instead she will throw dirt at my face making me the bad one instead.
Im still pissed at her for not letting me go out today like as if I go out every other day treating the house like some hotel. I didnt even come back home at some unearthly hours last Sat and stayed up late just to teach my bro maths till 3 plus in the morning. And I was sick and aching all over and she knew that. But I didnt want to be the cause of his failure which she had said earlier that she would blame me if he did.
So now the prince had failed even though I tried my best to give him as much practice questions as I can from the start of the year. I put his interests before me and then only take some time off for myself after that even if it means sleeping in the wee hours.
But if Im lucky, when hes asleep after school, I get to do my own things first or catch a nap coz I get tired after work. The only tricky bit about the napping part is that it will be the source of my mum's unhappiness coz she says I will be too tired to teach him after that.
You know what...like I said before...Im just so tired of this never ending affair. While nowadays there are just many people around my age getting married, it doesnt spur me at all to do something about my non existence love life. Im having enough problems with my current family, Im not about to start a new one. I dont want to take on further family responsibilities. I have enough on my hands now thank you very much.
I dont blame my family. We all have our own unique family problems. I dont hate my mum coz beneath her tough exterior, she can also be like a friend to me. It's just the way she was brought up where she was not supposed to show her anger and often bullied around by her older siblings. So her meanness and her temperamental mood swings thrown me are justified but my sadness and the hurt I feel based on her false accusations and curse words are still real. I just try not to let them sink into me any further.
Anyway, happy mothers' day to you mum.
Tomorrow is Mothers' Day which doesnt really signify anything for me. Yes I know Im not a mum so what difference does it make to me. And neither do I hate my mum. She may cut me off from having a social life today by creating such a big fuss yesterday and Im still unhappy about it. Her words were so biting that if I was not strong enough, I would probably lash out coz we're talking about my dignity here.
How can she say Im some flirtatious woman doing nothing but gawk at guys. Do I even dress up like some slut and making eyes at any men for some kind of attraction? How can she not know me enough that she didn't raise a daughter who changes boyfriends like some clothes? And to top it all off, she says she dont mind if Im out on a date with some guy instead of going out with a gal pal? People appreciate the fact that my mum has such a good daughter who listens to her mummy. Im not asking my mum to think like them because I know I can be stubborn sometimes. She can also tell me things and then I will put them at the back of my mind incurring her frustrations epecially if they re quite important.
It doesnt kill me either that she doesnt say she loves me in words or give me a hug. Any form of physical contact from her I will shudder coz it does not mean a good thing whether I am five or twenty five. So when people ask me why Im so scared of my mum it's because when shes angry, you dont want to go anywhere near her.
Look Im just sick and tired of her hypocrisy towards me. Whatever she wants to think about me she can go ahead with it whether or not she means it. She can call me a slut, unreligious, flirtatious, stupid..whatever..just throw it at my face.
To me what she says about me or scolding me for whatever insignificant reasons...they are all nothing but fluff. Go ahead and treat my younger brother like some king and Im his maid who has to do what she says for his benefit. Even if it is going to destroy him one day. When such a day come, dont come crying to me. She knows I dont like how she treats him..but as usual shes too egoistic to admit it. Instead she will throw dirt at my face making me the bad one instead.
Im still pissed at her for not letting me go out today like as if I go out every other day treating the house like some hotel. I didnt even come back home at some unearthly hours last Sat and stayed up late just to teach my bro maths till 3 plus in the morning. And I was sick and aching all over and she knew that. But I didnt want to be the cause of his failure which she had said earlier that she would blame me if he did.
So now the prince had failed even though I tried my best to give him as much practice questions as I can from the start of the year. I put his interests before me and then only take some time off for myself after that even if it means sleeping in the wee hours.
But if Im lucky, when hes asleep after school, I get to do my own things first or catch a nap coz I get tired after work. The only tricky bit about the napping part is that it will be the source of my mum's unhappiness coz she says I will be too tired to teach him after that.
You know what...like I said before...Im just so tired of this never ending affair. While nowadays there are just many people around my age getting married, it doesnt spur me at all to do something about my non existence love life. Im having enough problems with my current family, Im not about to start a new one. I dont want to take on further family responsibilities. I have enough on my hands now thank you very much.
I dont blame my family. We all have our own unique family problems. I dont hate my mum coz beneath her tough exterior, she can also be like a friend to me. It's just the way she was brought up where she was not supposed to show her anger and often bullied around by her older siblings. So her meanness and her temperamental mood swings thrown me are justified but my sadness and the hurt I feel based on her false accusations and curse words are still real. I just try not to let them sink into me any further.
Anyway, happy mothers' day to you mum.
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