you know what..
sometimes I feel that I have tried hard..but at times, it felt like I didnt try hard enough. I do ponder what God has planned for me or is it just me...unambitious and all coz I felt that I dont have enough resources at hand and that I have enough things to keep me worried. Oh well, whatever has been lined up for me, it sure isn't at an arm's length. Maybe still on its way. It'd better hurry up coz day after day, I feel like my existence on earth has been nothing but redundant coz Im not progressing in any way no matter how I have tried to improve on the quality of my life.
Well, no one's life is worry-free right? RIGHT?! Come on, convince me now...Man, can I just take a break from life from awhile...haiz..
Another thing that is slowly making me out as a loser is the level of frequency I've been talking about D. I read an ex friend's blog which was posted yonks ago...okay..months ago...and she's talking about her boyfriend and she seemed really happy. Err, completely redundant entry about their dates and where they went..but at least it is real. For me? D is completely off limits and Im talking as if he's the crush of my life. NOte: He isn't. I just think that he's a nice and friendly guy...and according to my social life, guys like him dont exist. So maybe I got carried away with blogging about him. But if you noticed, my entries about him is not me gushing about him..but more about how annoying he gets every day. Maybe he is just seeking attention or that he's bored out of his wits delivering stuffs here and there so the next thing to do is..'aha! I think i'll go make fun of rahayu..I just love it when she's annoyed.' Whatever he's up to...I try my best not to blog about him. I dont want to make myself like a loser talking about D like he's the only topic of the day.
But I do admit that the last entry about him praising me totally came out of the blue. I was like looking at him thinking 'is he for real?' when he remarked quite loudly at a time about me when I was in the midst of joking around with my partner while busying ourselves with the packing up. It also made me wonder if he had been observing me all this while coz it would be one heck of a scary thought or....he was just out trying to be nice to me coz of his earlier plea for him to collect the laptops earlier. And I still stand the ground that it surely must be the latter.
Anyway, sadly...i dont want to make myself out as someone desperate for a dose of friendship from a guy that I only get to see like what..ten minutes or less than that even. So......have to limit my entry on him. Unless it kills me for not writing. I suspect it will be so.
On a serious note, I got a hundred and one things that is making me worried sick just thinkin about it. I dont want to talk about it right now because I just dont feel like it. It's something that I thought will not come so soon but unexpectedly, it came way freaking early. Im just so scared about it but there's really nothing I can do but just hope for the best.
Let's talk about something else to keep this problem at bay. I just read this article about three single women who are capable in their own ways, not bad looking and they're not grossly fat or what but just like your typical women in their twenties that you see walking around with a good fashion sense and a heck loads of confidence...and of course...a boyfriend at tow. But they're single. And I wonder if these pretty and slim ladies have trouble being attached, people like me will have no hope..haha...No lah, I dont think of myself that low. Whether or not others are attached, I dont think Im one who prefers joining the hitched crowd, for now at least.
So okay, they had been in past relationships before and they were hurt quite badly or that relationship was rather long that they had grown very attached to each other. But alas, no matter how great a relationship can be, sometimes it is just not meant to be and the next hardest thing to do is to move on. While they have indeed moved on and concentrated on things worth concentrating on like their friends, family and career, they are in no hurry to fall in love again.
My case is completely different. I never had a boyfriend before, let alone be on a proper date. Yes I know this has been mentioned before but seriously, I dont think Im of the same level as these girls and it IS a wonder for others to think why they're still walking around as a single. But me? I lack of qualities worth amplifying or for myself to self promote that hey, Im worth a date.
Then again, what if I try to think hard..seriously think very very very hard...(it's not easy you know..) and then list down things about myself that may spark some interest with the opposite sex. Wishful thinking but anything to just make me not to think so much about my lack of finances..oops..just gave that away.
Okay, Im totally committed to my family even though it is not an easy responsibility and on my own...have to do a lot of sacrifices. Even though I come across as someone who is a pushover, but usually these things that make me 'sway' to their rhythm are pretty trivial stuffs. Sometimes people ask me why Im still wasting my time on certain friends who seem to be rather controlling over me or even critise me unfairly even though I didnt do anything to hurt them. But, it's hard for me to let them go just like that coz they have helped me in many ways than other people who only know how to talk only but hardly mean what they say.
Im pretty unbiased with people coz I dont judge people so easily with myself being one who is often misunderstood. Yes, people's little quirks do annoy me at times making me wonder if they ever think before saying those freakin words in a sentence or if they even know what they're doing.
Erm, other than that..I have certain strong principles in life although I dont look like the sort. I am perceived as someone dainty and easily pushed around but Im quite realistic and not easily swayed with what I see around me or what others do. I dont mind if people think Im back dated or that my principles are silly..whatever...at times, I just dont think like others do. Maybe coz I'd rather take my time then jump into something and regret it later. Yes sometimes it is worth taking a shot at it but seriously, only I know when is the right time to jump into a sea infested with sharks. I guess Im pretty low profiled about these principles unlike others who make sure people know they mean business. Other than that, I can be quite an untruthful person and not to say that in a bad manner but in a way that is not meant to make things worse in an already awkward situation.
OH, I'm very down to earth meaning that I dont have my head sky high and expect people to treat me like a princess. For example, I'd rather take the mrt back home than have the guy to send me back. Of course if he is free and he drives and it's not inconvenient for him, then who am I to stop him..haha...But what I meant was, I dont expect people to do things for me or go out of their way to do so just for my sake. It doesnt reflect well on me and for myself, I'd rather be independent than rely on others by interrupting their busy schedules.
I dont crave for luxuries in life and can just make do with what I have so that is why I guess I can be pretty fussy like over clothing items for example. Because if it is something that I would have to rely on quite a lot since I dont shop much, they'd have to be worth wearing and not something that will end up as nothing but a display in my cupboard. Same for shoes too.
Ey, the more interesting part..hehe..let's talk about men..Hrm, what do I look for in a guy IF one day someone can convince me that a relationship is worth putting myself in. Seriously, I dont have a list of criterias to act as a check list. Maybe someone who can hold a decent conversation with me, is not overly vain (coz it stinks if he cares about his hair more than me..), caring (duh..), easy on the eyes (a must! haha..a shallow part of me talking there) and someone who has opinions of if his own but doesnt blast me off just coz he doesnt agree with me. And he doesnt criticise or judge others easily. Oh, can take care of his money well also..hehe..but not to a level of being a scrooge.
I dont crave for a typical date like dinner at a restaurant, going to a movie or taking a long romantic walk. I mean Im not entirely off with the idea..seriously...but it's boring..haha. Yah, one more thing about me..I get bored easily but I dont necessarily show it. Physically, just my excessive yawning and thats not a good thing to do on a date right? Haha..And no, I dont list down skydiving or bungee jumping as being a non typical date for me. HRm, Im just thinking a bicycle ride down east coast park and then settling down at the jetty to see people around us and then look at the big ships looming ahead. After that, we'll drink chocolate milkshake from the nearby mcdonald's and then maybe walk a bit on the sand and then have some teasing moments with the sea water tiding in. But then, thinking about how smelly I'll be and having to bring spare clothes in case I get dunked in the water, hrm...maybe a movie date doesnt sound so bad.
SO yah, some random things to put my mind off..and now back to some serious worries..
sometimes I feel that I have tried hard..but at times, it felt like I didnt try hard enough. I do ponder what God has planned for me or is it just me...unambitious and all coz I felt that I dont have enough resources at hand and that I have enough things to keep me worried. Oh well, whatever has been lined up for me, it sure isn't at an arm's length. Maybe still on its way. It'd better hurry up coz day after day, I feel like my existence on earth has been nothing but redundant coz Im not progressing in any way no matter how I have tried to improve on the quality of my life.
Well, no one's life is worry-free right? RIGHT?! Come on, convince me now...Man, can I just take a break from life from awhile...haiz..
Another thing that is slowly making me out as a loser is the level of frequency I've been talking about D. I read an ex friend's blog which was posted yonks ago...okay..months ago...and she's talking about her boyfriend and she seemed really happy. Err, completely redundant entry about their dates and where they went..but at least it is real. For me? D is completely off limits and Im talking as if he's the crush of my life. NOte: He isn't. I just think that he's a nice and friendly guy...and according to my social life, guys like him dont exist. So maybe I got carried away with blogging about him. But if you noticed, my entries about him is not me gushing about him..but more about how annoying he gets every day. Maybe he is just seeking attention or that he's bored out of his wits delivering stuffs here and there so the next thing to do is..'aha! I think i'll go make fun of rahayu..I just love it when she's annoyed.' Whatever he's up to...I try my best not to blog about him. I dont want to make myself like a loser talking about D like he's the only topic of the day.
But I do admit that the last entry about him praising me totally came out of the blue. I was like looking at him thinking 'is he for real?' when he remarked quite loudly at a time about me when I was in the midst of joking around with my partner while busying ourselves with the packing up. It also made me wonder if he had been observing me all this while coz it would be one heck of a scary thought or....he was just out trying to be nice to me coz of his earlier plea for him to collect the laptops earlier. And I still stand the ground that it surely must be the latter.
Anyway, sadly...i dont want to make myself out as someone desperate for a dose of friendship from a guy that I only get to see like what..ten minutes or less than that even. So......have to limit my entry on him. Unless it kills me for not writing. I suspect it will be so.
On a serious note, I got a hundred and one things that is making me worried sick just thinkin about it. I dont want to talk about it right now because I just dont feel like it. It's something that I thought will not come so soon but unexpectedly, it came way freaking early. Im just so scared about it but there's really nothing I can do but just hope for the best.
Let's talk about something else to keep this problem at bay. I just read this article about three single women who are capable in their own ways, not bad looking and they're not grossly fat or what but just like your typical women in their twenties that you see walking around with a good fashion sense and a heck loads of confidence...and of course...a boyfriend at tow. But they're single. And I wonder if these pretty and slim ladies have trouble being attached, people like me will have no hope..haha...No lah, I dont think of myself that low. Whether or not others are attached, I dont think Im one who prefers joining the hitched crowd, for now at least.
So okay, they had been in past relationships before and they were hurt quite badly or that relationship was rather long that they had grown very attached to each other. But alas, no matter how great a relationship can be, sometimes it is just not meant to be and the next hardest thing to do is to move on. While they have indeed moved on and concentrated on things worth concentrating on like their friends, family and career, they are in no hurry to fall in love again.
My case is completely different. I never had a boyfriend before, let alone be on a proper date. Yes I know this has been mentioned before but seriously, I dont think Im of the same level as these girls and it IS a wonder for others to think why they're still walking around as a single. But me? I lack of qualities worth amplifying or for myself to self promote that hey, Im worth a date.
Then again, what if I try to think hard..seriously think very very very hard...(it's not easy you know..) and then list down things about myself that may spark some interest with the opposite sex. Wishful thinking but anything to just make me not to think so much about my lack of finances..oops..just gave that away.
Okay, Im totally committed to my family even though it is not an easy responsibility and on my own...have to do a lot of sacrifices. Even though I come across as someone who is a pushover, but usually these things that make me 'sway' to their rhythm are pretty trivial stuffs. Sometimes people ask me why Im still wasting my time on certain friends who seem to be rather controlling over me or even critise me unfairly even though I didnt do anything to hurt them. But, it's hard for me to let them go just like that coz they have helped me in many ways than other people who only know how to talk only but hardly mean what they say.
Im pretty unbiased with people coz I dont judge people so easily with myself being one who is often misunderstood. Yes, people's little quirks do annoy me at times making me wonder if they ever think before saying those freakin words in a sentence or if they even know what they're doing.
Erm, other than that..I have certain strong principles in life although I dont look like the sort. I am perceived as someone dainty and easily pushed around but Im quite realistic and not easily swayed with what I see around me or what others do. I dont mind if people think Im back dated or that my principles are silly..whatever...at times, I just dont think like others do. Maybe coz I'd rather take my time then jump into something and regret it later. Yes sometimes it is worth taking a shot at it but seriously, only I know when is the right time to jump into a sea infested with sharks. I guess Im pretty low profiled about these principles unlike others who make sure people know they mean business. Other than that, I can be quite an untruthful person and not to say that in a bad manner but in a way that is not meant to make things worse in an already awkward situation.
OH, I'm very down to earth meaning that I dont have my head sky high and expect people to treat me like a princess. For example, I'd rather take the mrt back home than have the guy to send me back. Of course if he is free and he drives and it's not inconvenient for him, then who am I to stop him..haha...But what I meant was, I dont expect people to do things for me or go out of their way to do so just for my sake. It doesnt reflect well on me and for myself, I'd rather be independent than rely on others by interrupting their busy schedules.
I dont crave for luxuries in life and can just make do with what I have so that is why I guess I can be pretty fussy like over clothing items for example. Because if it is something that I would have to rely on quite a lot since I dont shop much, they'd have to be worth wearing and not something that will end up as nothing but a display in my cupboard. Same for shoes too.
Ey, the more interesting part..hehe..let's talk about men..Hrm, what do I look for in a guy IF one day someone can convince me that a relationship is worth putting myself in. Seriously, I dont have a list of criterias to act as a check list. Maybe someone who can hold a decent conversation with me, is not overly vain (coz it stinks if he cares about his hair more than me..), caring (duh..), easy on the eyes (a must! haha..a shallow part of me talking there) and someone who has opinions of if his own but doesnt blast me off just coz he doesnt agree with me. And he doesnt criticise or judge others easily. Oh, can take care of his money well also..hehe..but not to a level of being a scrooge.
I dont crave for a typical date like dinner at a restaurant, going to a movie or taking a long romantic walk. I mean Im not entirely off with the idea..seriously...but it's boring..haha. Yah, one more thing about me..I get bored easily but I dont necessarily show it. Physically, just my excessive yawning and thats not a good thing to do on a date right? Haha..And no, I dont list down skydiving or bungee jumping as being a non typical date for me. HRm, Im just thinking a bicycle ride down east coast park and then settling down at the jetty to see people around us and then look at the big ships looming ahead. After that, we'll drink chocolate milkshake from the nearby mcdonald's and then maybe walk a bit on the sand and then have some teasing moments with the sea water tiding in. But then, thinking about how smelly I'll be and having to bring spare clothes in case I get dunked in the water, hrm...maybe a movie date doesnt sound so bad.
SO yah, some random things to put my mind off..and now back to some serious worries..
Comments