Not a Loss
you wanna know what I think about this whole dennis 'affair'? So initially me and M...but still M though...thought what a big loss that this Dennis is married coz he has been extra friendly to me recently..and a bit the 'extra' too..pfft...twenty years old..yeah right. But when I keep on thinking about it and the kind of questions he shoots me, I guess that it is better that he IS married. Why? This may sound a weetle (a wee little) bit illogical or a weetle bit 'huh?' later to you but let me explain.
The thing is, the minute he drops his colleague guard against me and now treats me like one of his friends, I have been receiving an entourage of questions that kinda make ME question where I stand. Yes I know my stand is to not be so freaking flirtatious with a married man...tat is a confirmed stand. What I really meant is that it made me question myself as in....what kind of person I am and what I should be working on to improve myself for a better social life especially when it comes to getting to know..err..guys.
YOu see, I dont know how..and why..he sees me as this girl who has an active social life and that he's trying to dig slowly into what I do if im not working. YOu really want to know what I do when Im not working...besides drooling over Jensen every tuesday and friday nights? Im a closeted I.T. geek who listens to her mummy and buys groceries every day like she has a family of her own, teaches her brother homework and maths at night, followed by watching some videos on youtube or typing her blog. She also prefers to stay at home on saturdays and sundays buying stuffs for the family morning and afternoon as part of her 'signed on' responsibility instead of wasting her time..and money..outside with a group of friends who party till the wee hours. Yes..IM THAT boring! Then what does she do when she takes the day off like go on annual leave? She sends her dad to the hospital in the morning till late afternoon, come back home with him and some food and leaves the house again to buy groceries for today and tomorrow morning supplies.
Even though Im pretty much comfortable in this setting...except being controlled by my mum...maybe the sort of vibe I give out and that being at this mid twenties age, may give guys the wrong impression of me. If they know me enough like my friends, they may just know that Im not a man eater or flirts around with guys and have a carefree lifestyle as a single who can pick and choose her men at will for day time and night time use even though they know how much I love men..especially good looking chinese men and the kind of words I use to describe them.
After the last incident where I complained over here I appeared to 'bluff' my way through to cover up for my boring lifestyle, I decided that no..instead of being regretful for saying things to impress people but actually I wont do such things, I thought..just dont say anything. I neither have to cover up nor do I have to be truthful. So yesterday my partner went to the office for awhile with her laptop I was left there in the room with him. He came earlier to hang out with us because I said he could just come when he's free later to read the cleo magazine because I didn't want to hold him off his duties coz he looked like he needed to run off a bit for some untold errands but he didnt seem to wanna go and do that. Yes I can read people's facial expressions being someone who is quiet-ish and who observes people's behaviour as a precaution. He lit up and said something like..oh..really..okay...because normally we would call him and say we will be ready for collection at this so and so time.
I thought that he would just take up the offer and wont do anything but at 11 o'clock sharp, he did drop by just to hang out with us at the school and oh..to read the magazine too. Of course I pretended to say to my partner...what is he doing here so early? I don remember calling him and he was like..'eh! I thought you said I can drop by at 11 if Im free?' heh heh...of course he knew I was kidding which set off a SERIES of bantering and even ganging up with my partner to tease me that one hour and a half he was with us. Yup, the first time being the butt of his jokes for such a long time. Regrets man..regrets asking him to come early. You're getting it from me, you'll see!
Also when my partner had gone to the washroom, I told him like just a matter-of-fact that Im going to the rc and he wont see me for the next two months. He was like..oh..so if you go rc, then M...h will come back and replace you? I said yup...so you will have her back as company but I wont be able to see and work with all of us later. Then he went like 'its okay, I live in woodlands. I can just drop by anytime to see you....' Is he kidding me? See me for what. But I didnt question him that coz I was a bit the lost for words..and maybe he thought..why the heck he said that..and then asked me where do I live. Not contented in knowing which area he wants to know exactly where but I just roughly said in between kovan and serangoon..but he thought i live near serangoon road..so I had to be a little bit more exact and when he had this idea where I lived and giving me this know I know where and Im gonna go there and disturb you kind of look, I said dont you dare come and stalk me..I have enough stalkers already. He sounded a bit shocked and said..oh..you have stalkers..I just replied kiddingly..err..the uncles at the..coffeeshop? Heh...
Then yup, this is the part that made me rethink as to why it is a good thing he is married. He asked eh then last tuesday you went rc to cover for someone is it when you said you wont be around? Hrm..didnt I told him I took annual leave. Anyway, I said no..I was on annual leave. Then he gave me this grin..and said..so..where you go? what you do when you go on leave? Hrm, why this sudden kepo-ness..but didnt say I went hospital to accompany dad for check up coz I have dedicated my leave to that. But I guess he wanted to know more than that like where exactly...but I just went like err..I just needed a break and it's not all the time Im on leave or fall sick and take mc.
In a way, maybe he wants to get to know me more as a friend but if he was not a married guy, I will be in trouble. Why? My boring social life and my unwilling to commit to a relationship just yet leaves my option to be happy with just one guy to love dangling in the air. If he was single, I will have to up the tempo a bit on my social life and it may not be a good thing in my mother's book. At this age, people will think like who cares about what your mother thinks..you are the one who gives her money now and not her plus you're a big girl now and definitely knows how to take care of herself.
The thing is...thats not what my mum thinks. I just find that her care towards me is just a 'put on'. I know that sounds mean but the thing is...since it is true I am supporting the family, she sees me as an investment that brings in some returns every month. If she does things for me like helping me to iron the skirt or making milo for me in the morning, as grateful as I am, at times I cant help but think of it as a friendly gesture in small ways that she thinks she can do to repay me back my commitment to my family. I always do it myself but nowadays she wants to iron the skirt for me or make milo for me in the morning for me to drink at work in the morning. Still, I just dont see her controlling manner over me because she 'cares' for me. To me it is something she has no other choice but to do it. If my father is worried as to my whereabouts at night and even though he does not make that loud and obvious, I know he cares. But if my mum...including her unwillingness to allow me make a passport for even a day trip..it's not because she cares and she has made it clear that if something happens to me, what will happen to her and my brother.
So it is always about the brother. I know she stops caring about my father and now..she has no other choice but to take care of my father's 'favourite'. Whatever it is, if you know im typing about her, it's usually because I had a tiff with her in her usual I should scold my daughter more coz she's obviously worth scolding more than my son even if she is old enough. She doesnt know the impact she has on my social life that I feel like im not able to move around or be brave enough to be committed to a relationship as Im afraid it will jeopardise my ties with my family. She just doesnt know. How can I even think in that line when even over friendship with my girlfriends, she just has to put her foot down firmly on it?!
So I thought that God is always doing something to please me..by sending me this lovable married irritant..Im referring to Dennis here...to allow me to interact with a guy instead of just my gal pals. Having that status, I know he cant go far than to be friends and that is where I have set myself at even if the guy is single and Im not talking about dennis here.
Complicated? Maybe...I never said my life is smooth sailing. Even though I dont do much activities, but it is the whole complicated background where people dont know the actual story thing which is choking me at times. So yes..in a way...let me say this again...as much as I hate it..I am glad..he's married.
The thing is, the minute he drops his colleague guard against me and now treats me like one of his friends, I have been receiving an entourage of questions that kinda make ME question where I stand. Yes I know my stand is to not be so freaking flirtatious with a married man...tat is a confirmed stand. What I really meant is that it made me question myself as in....what kind of person I am and what I should be working on to improve myself for a better social life especially when it comes to getting to know..err..guys.
YOu see, I dont know how..and why..he sees me as this girl who has an active social life and that he's trying to dig slowly into what I do if im not working. YOu really want to know what I do when Im not working...besides drooling over Jensen every tuesday and friday nights? Im a closeted I.T. geek who listens to her mummy and buys groceries every day like she has a family of her own, teaches her brother homework and maths at night, followed by watching some videos on youtube or typing her blog. She also prefers to stay at home on saturdays and sundays buying stuffs for the family morning and afternoon as part of her 'signed on' responsibility instead of wasting her time..and money..outside with a group of friends who party till the wee hours. Yes..IM THAT boring! Then what does she do when she takes the day off like go on annual leave? She sends her dad to the hospital in the morning till late afternoon, come back home with him and some food and leaves the house again to buy groceries for today and tomorrow morning supplies.
Even though Im pretty much comfortable in this setting...except being controlled by my mum...maybe the sort of vibe I give out and that being at this mid twenties age, may give guys the wrong impression of me. If they know me enough like my friends, they may just know that Im not a man eater or flirts around with guys and have a carefree lifestyle as a single who can pick and choose her men at will for day time and night time use even though they know how much I love men..especially good looking chinese men and the kind of words I use to describe them.
After the last incident where I complained over here I appeared to 'bluff' my way through to cover up for my boring lifestyle, I decided that no..instead of being regretful for saying things to impress people but actually I wont do such things, I thought..just dont say anything. I neither have to cover up nor do I have to be truthful. So yesterday my partner went to the office for awhile with her laptop I was left there in the room with him. He came earlier to hang out with us because I said he could just come when he's free later to read the cleo magazine because I didn't want to hold him off his duties coz he looked like he needed to run off a bit for some untold errands but he didnt seem to wanna go and do that. Yes I can read people's facial expressions being someone who is quiet-ish and who observes people's behaviour as a precaution. He lit up and said something like..oh..really..okay...because normally we would call him and say we will be ready for collection at this so and so time.
I thought that he would just take up the offer and wont do anything but at 11 o'clock sharp, he did drop by just to hang out with us at the school and oh..to read the magazine too. Of course I pretended to say to my partner...what is he doing here so early? I don remember calling him and he was like..'eh! I thought you said I can drop by at 11 if Im free?' heh heh...of course he knew I was kidding which set off a SERIES of bantering and even ganging up with my partner to tease me that one hour and a half he was with us. Yup, the first time being the butt of his jokes for such a long time. Regrets man..regrets asking him to come early. You're getting it from me, you'll see!
Also when my partner had gone to the washroom, I told him like just a matter-of-fact that Im going to the rc and he wont see me for the next two months. He was like..oh..so if you go rc, then M...h will come back and replace you? I said yup...so you will have her back as company but I wont be able to see and work with all of us later. Then he went like 'its okay, I live in woodlands. I can just drop by anytime to see you....' Is he kidding me? See me for what. But I didnt question him that coz I was a bit the lost for words..and maybe he thought..why the heck he said that..and then asked me where do I live. Not contented in knowing which area he wants to know exactly where but I just roughly said in between kovan and serangoon..but he thought i live near serangoon road..so I had to be a little bit more exact and when he had this idea where I lived and giving me this know I know where and Im gonna go there and disturb you kind of look, I said dont you dare come and stalk me..I have enough stalkers already. He sounded a bit shocked and said..oh..you have stalkers..I just replied kiddingly..err..the uncles at the..coffeeshop? Heh...
Then yup, this is the part that made me rethink as to why it is a good thing he is married. He asked eh then last tuesday you went rc to cover for someone is it when you said you wont be around? Hrm..didnt I told him I took annual leave. Anyway, I said no..I was on annual leave. Then he gave me this grin..and said..so..where you go? what you do when you go on leave? Hrm, why this sudden kepo-ness..but didnt say I went hospital to accompany dad for check up coz I have dedicated my leave to that. But I guess he wanted to know more than that like where exactly...but I just went like err..I just needed a break and it's not all the time Im on leave or fall sick and take mc.
In a way, maybe he wants to get to know me more as a friend but if he was not a married guy, I will be in trouble. Why? My boring social life and my unwilling to commit to a relationship just yet leaves my option to be happy with just one guy to love dangling in the air. If he was single, I will have to up the tempo a bit on my social life and it may not be a good thing in my mother's book. At this age, people will think like who cares about what your mother thinks..you are the one who gives her money now and not her plus you're a big girl now and definitely knows how to take care of herself.
The thing is...thats not what my mum thinks. I just find that her care towards me is just a 'put on'. I know that sounds mean but the thing is...since it is true I am supporting the family, she sees me as an investment that brings in some returns every month. If she does things for me like helping me to iron the skirt or making milo for me in the morning, as grateful as I am, at times I cant help but think of it as a friendly gesture in small ways that she thinks she can do to repay me back my commitment to my family. I always do it myself but nowadays she wants to iron the skirt for me or make milo for me in the morning for me to drink at work in the morning. Still, I just dont see her controlling manner over me because she 'cares' for me. To me it is something she has no other choice but to do it. If my father is worried as to my whereabouts at night and even though he does not make that loud and obvious, I know he cares. But if my mum...including her unwillingness to allow me make a passport for even a day trip..it's not because she cares and she has made it clear that if something happens to me, what will happen to her and my brother.
So it is always about the brother. I know she stops caring about my father and now..she has no other choice but to take care of my father's 'favourite'. Whatever it is, if you know im typing about her, it's usually because I had a tiff with her in her usual I should scold my daughter more coz she's obviously worth scolding more than my son even if she is old enough. She doesnt know the impact she has on my social life that I feel like im not able to move around or be brave enough to be committed to a relationship as Im afraid it will jeopardise my ties with my family. She just doesnt know. How can I even think in that line when even over friendship with my girlfriends, she just has to put her foot down firmly on it?!
So I thought that God is always doing something to please me..by sending me this lovable married irritant..Im referring to Dennis here...to allow me to interact with a guy instead of just my gal pals. Having that status, I know he cant go far than to be friends and that is where I have set myself at even if the guy is single and Im not talking about dennis here.
Complicated? Maybe...I never said my life is smooth sailing. Even though I dont do much activities, but it is the whole complicated background where people dont know the actual story thing which is choking me at times. So yes..in a way...let me say this again...as much as I hate it..I am glad..he's married.
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