Former Loner
My heart goes out to the families of the victims of a crazed shooter that went on a shooting rampage at the virginia tech. Now what saddened me is tat this was not meant to be a sporadic attack out of nowhere since there were signs showing this kid was troubled. Even when a shooting incident happened which obviously would endanger the lives of other students and staff should a second one happened again, they chose to keep it under the rug. What happened? The next thirty something people fell victim.
Is this how we view such a serious problem here? People's lives are involved here and Im very sure people of such high intelligent quotient are able to know that first hand. The issue is not just about the easy availability of guns. It is about dealing with a small issue before it escalates into such a nationwide tragedy which is already too late coz people have died in the hands of a crazed lonely guy.
I know how it feels to be an outcast. YOu just dont fit in. Contrary to what others believe...loners are people too. It is not up to us to be born this way or to be thrown into a situation where we are just so scared to move. Believe me..we have tried. We have tried to blend in with the crowd. But what did we get? We got more and more ostracized and pushed away like we are some disease carriers or something.
Back then, I had trouble fitting in and I tried to change my own personal ways to be accepted even though it was not easy trying to do that. WHy? Because it was simply not me. I felt like I was being reprimanded for trying to be myself and here they are, saying that we have to be our natural best. BULLSHIT! IT's just a load of crap that we just have to twirl around in this sick little world trying to pretend that everything is just okay..or normal. We just happened to have another point of view and when we let others know how we feel about something that seemed 'different' from their point of view, it felt as though we cannot be accepted just because we think differently.
Is this how we want our chidren to be? We dont want them to think that they are not allowed to have their own say and that to have friends, you just have to be like them irregardless of their behaviour. Why do you think our young generation are smoking or having casual sex at such a young age? It's because they are just lacking of attention coz what they have to say dont matter as they are just a small fry of whom half the time don't know what they're talking about. In other words, they are not taken seriously. Thus, these people give in to peer pressure so easily coz they have this false sense of hope that by copying other people who dont give a shit about rules and regulations, they get to be themselves. They get to be..accepted whether or not by the right crowd or the wrong crowd as long as their existence is acknowledged because the normal world disregard them.
That aside...you really want to know how I went through years thinking that Im being 'punished' for something that I didnt do? There was no other way to turn and like I said, we did not choose to be in this position. Infact, we hate it. We struggled each and every day trying to grab whatever opportunity there is to get out of this black hole. But every time we tried to climb up, something pushes us down. Those who have given up trying to get out, remain reclusive and hence, permanently hating the world for causing their downfall into this bottomless pit.
Personally, I have tried to talk to people..get along with people..but these f**kin naysayers who have already registered in their own little minds that we are loners, do you know how hard it is to get into their thick skull? Very hard! At one time I can be trying to talk to them like you talk to a friend but I am not stupid to know that they were being polite by just smiling and replying back in bits and pieces but inside their heart, they were like 'whatever rahayu'. Believe me, I tried to fool myself many times that they could not be treating me any differently coz what have I done to them? But when it happened over and over again that they just sympathised with our pathetic lives so the least they could do was to hear me out..nod a bit maybe..but hardly made eyc contact with me coz I bet they felt they need not have to.
Then when I gave them their 'wish' by retracting back to my own little lost world, I was reprimanded or accused for trying to milk people's sympathy while I could not even stand up on my own two feet. Instead of asking me what as wrong, I was blamed for not putting any efforts to go to people but instead waited for others to be my friends. How am I supposed to stand up when I am not being motivated to slowly get out of this dark world? I had to endure sarcasm, weird stares, fake friendships and so many others all because they thought a lonely girl like me is not fit to have a friend. There was one time someone said...'heh..you have friends?!' while the rest of the group looked at me and giggled away. Another time, when I walked fast coz was late for some class, got another one saying 'wah...for someone as big and fat like you...not bad..you can walk fast.'
You want to know something? It felt a WHOLE Lot better trying to talk to the wall than to these people who will think that we just can be mixed around with. Serious! It was that bad and I felt so freakin insignificant.
So if you know of such people who seem rather 'different' and harmless, it wont kill you to go up the person and say hi. No point always trying to join the supposedly more normal crowd of people who probably spent their time gossiping about you or backstabbing you when you are not with them. Trust me, such loners can be such good buddies and Im not saying this coz I felt like I am, but because personally, I have befriended these so called loners even back then in primary school and they can be pretty cool to talk to. They can also be very understanding coz we know how it feels like bein on the roller coaster of emotions. Thus people like us tend to be a lttle bit more sensitive and therefore we tend to be more tactful when dealing with other people. And that is only when we are given the opportunity to do so instead of often being pushed aside.
YUp, so there are various degrees of loneliness depending on the number of rejections we have or the treatment from either friends or family members. Just give these people a chance to talk like basically give them your listening ear. it may be quite a long road of loneliness before we start feeling happy and have our dark clouds being chased away. Give them the headstart and start afresh this week knowing that you are on the way to make someone's day. Dont wait until their mind is slowly being corrupted by bad media images or songs even. Im sure nobody wants to appear in the news for the wrong reason.
Is this how we view such a serious problem here? People's lives are involved here and Im very sure people of such high intelligent quotient are able to know that first hand. The issue is not just about the easy availability of guns. It is about dealing with a small issue before it escalates into such a nationwide tragedy which is already too late coz people have died in the hands of a crazed lonely guy.
I know how it feels to be an outcast. YOu just dont fit in. Contrary to what others believe...loners are people too. It is not up to us to be born this way or to be thrown into a situation where we are just so scared to move. Believe me..we have tried. We have tried to blend in with the crowd. But what did we get? We got more and more ostracized and pushed away like we are some disease carriers or something.
Back then, I had trouble fitting in and I tried to change my own personal ways to be accepted even though it was not easy trying to do that. WHy? Because it was simply not me. I felt like I was being reprimanded for trying to be myself and here they are, saying that we have to be our natural best. BULLSHIT! IT's just a load of crap that we just have to twirl around in this sick little world trying to pretend that everything is just okay..or normal. We just happened to have another point of view and when we let others know how we feel about something that seemed 'different' from their point of view, it felt as though we cannot be accepted just because we think differently.
Is this how we want our chidren to be? We dont want them to think that they are not allowed to have their own say and that to have friends, you just have to be like them irregardless of their behaviour. Why do you think our young generation are smoking or having casual sex at such a young age? It's because they are just lacking of attention coz what they have to say dont matter as they are just a small fry of whom half the time don't know what they're talking about. In other words, they are not taken seriously. Thus, these people give in to peer pressure so easily coz they have this false sense of hope that by copying other people who dont give a shit about rules and regulations, they get to be themselves. They get to be..accepted whether or not by the right crowd or the wrong crowd as long as their existence is acknowledged because the normal world disregard them.
That aside...you really want to know how I went through years thinking that Im being 'punished' for something that I didnt do? There was no other way to turn and like I said, we did not choose to be in this position. Infact, we hate it. We struggled each and every day trying to grab whatever opportunity there is to get out of this black hole. But every time we tried to climb up, something pushes us down. Those who have given up trying to get out, remain reclusive and hence, permanently hating the world for causing their downfall into this bottomless pit.
Personally, I have tried to talk to people..get along with people..but these f**kin naysayers who have already registered in their own little minds that we are loners, do you know how hard it is to get into their thick skull? Very hard! At one time I can be trying to talk to them like you talk to a friend but I am not stupid to know that they were being polite by just smiling and replying back in bits and pieces but inside their heart, they were like 'whatever rahayu'. Believe me, I tried to fool myself many times that they could not be treating me any differently coz what have I done to them? But when it happened over and over again that they just sympathised with our pathetic lives so the least they could do was to hear me out..nod a bit maybe..but hardly made eyc contact with me coz I bet they felt they need not have to.
Then when I gave them their 'wish' by retracting back to my own little lost world, I was reprimanded or accused for trying to milk people's sympathy while I could not even stand up on my own two feet. Instead of asking me what as wrong, I was blamed for not putting any efforts to go to people but instead waited for others to be my friends. How am I supposed to stand up when I am not being motivated to slowly get out of this dark world? I had to endure sarcasm, weird stares, fake friendships and so many others all because they thought a lonely girl like me is not fit to have a friend. There was one time someone said...'heh..you have friends?!' while the rest of the group looked at me and giggled away. Another time, when I walked fast coz was late for some class, got another one saying 'wah...for someone as big and fat like you...not bad..you can walk fast.'
You want to know something? It felt a WHOLE Lot better trying to talk to the wall than to these people who will think that we just can be mixed around with. Serious! It was that bad and I felt so freakin insignificant.
So if you know of such people who seem rather 'different' and harmless, it wont kill you to go up the person and say hi. No point always trying to join the supposedly more normal crowd of people who probably spent their time gossiping about you or backstabbing you when you are not with them. Trust me, such loners can be such good buddies and Im not saying this coz I felt like I am, but because personally, I have befriended these so called loners even back then in primary school and they can be pretty cool to talk to. They can also be very understanding coz we know how it feels like bein on the roller coaster of emotions. Thus people like us tend to be a lttle bit more sensitive and therefore we tend to be more tactful when dealing with other people. And that is only when we are given the opportunity to do so instead of often being pushed aside.
YUp, so there are various degrees of loneliness depending on the number of rejections we have or the treatment from either friends or family members. Just give these people a chance to talk like basically give them your listening ear. it may be quite a long road of loneliness before we start feeling happy and have our dark clouds being chased away. Give them the headstart and start afresh this week knowing that you are on the way to make someone's day. Dont wait until their mind is slowly being corrupted by bad media images or songs even. Im sure nobody wants to appear in the news for the wrong reason.
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