Old and New
hello!
I know I wrote a lot of things these past few days..and it's funnie that within these days too, I did not play the Sims 2. Now that is baffling. I guess the journal keeps me in check..although I had been talking particularly about a certain movie that was extraodinary in its own way. And it talked about the kind of romance..that I like as it just shows that 'you like who you like'...going beyond the skin colour..status...and wat have u..giving romanticsm a good name. And when I think about Sims 2 like analysing myself on why haven't I been playing, I felt that maybe once in awhile, I should get out of this virtual world. Anyway, I love both...writing and playing the game. Perhaps when my leave ends on Monday, and the following day I go back to work, I might need to play this game again once my 'cloud 9' days are numbered..hahaaha....
you know from the time I started work, right up till now, I was quite clueless over my fashion sense. It was like after I rummaged through my wardrobe, after being nagged by my mum, I was like...'eurgh.....did i wear this the last time?' And it wasn't like one or two times...that I felt I was such a bummer when it comes to the fashion dept as most clothes that I either bought from me or my aunt were the kind of clothes I'd probably wear when I am over thirty. Now, I am barely in my mid-twenties..let alone....the previous years when I was wearing them.
Okay, my physical attribute is the first concern. I was like in my very self conscious mode and I remembered not feeling comfortable wearing these clothes. But I felt like..die die..I had to wear them as I thought they were the onlie available clothes that could be worn by me. In other words, my fashion sense was dead. Plus, the influential factors driven by my mum and aunt who kept emphasizing my assets would onlie fit into these clothes...and my mums' constant reminder that I am not thin, so I should stop acting thin and wear these clothes coz there's nothing to flaunt anyway, except for my fats?
Then it didnt help too that since I was pretty new at that time, and also new to the working world as a whole, they knew better anyway. And my partner that time, wasn't some hip and trendy colleague (haha..no offence..i love her still!) because she was twenty years older than me and I shouldn't dress in contrast from her too much. I should have some sense of respect in the way I dress. Wearing loosely is the way to go..no tight fitting attires.
I admit that I got tired of the look and I felt so 'aunty' like. And I knew that I tried to change it a bit here and there and got down to Robinsons, a place I felt was the onlie one that could give me some justice in terms of clothings. However, I felt I kept buying more and more of the same things, like knee length skirts which were not really appropriate for me at least, but they were the onlie ones available for me that I could fit in. Yeah, that was also part of my trend. Not that I minded them...just that.......they were not too flattering for me, although just now, I was contemplating on starting to use them again. Think coz the length was not too appropriate coz they are slightly above the knee, as I am a bit on the tall side, and it didn't help that when I sat down, it would run up much higher than them..and ahem.....show off my heavy thighs. Eurgh...okay okay I get the point....time to move on.
Hrm, no matter what, there is still one thing that was pretty admirable of me, considering my bad taste in fashion. I had guts. Yeah, that was it. Guts. To carry off the knee length skirts given my bad case of rashes on my feet..which I contracted when i was working on a temp job. The skin on my feet were nastily ravaged leaving behind these ugly reddish marks as I would scratch them so badly at times, that there were cuts, bruise like marks in huge ugly markings. And I also had this nasty watery rash which was like a mini pool right smack in the middle of my right foot. I mean, it wasn't as if I never had rashes before, but never in my life, did I experience such atrocity created by rashes.
I learnt quite recently that I had a bad case of eczema. I am also glad that the skin creams and ointments are working very well too....whenever my eczema attacks come about. However, not to say I didn't suffer. The extreme itchiness followed by red angry blotching and the skin creams constantly running out made me complacent to keep going to the doctor and u know how such creams have a shelf life. I guess, because I tried to prolong the use the cream over the expired date that even though, it worked initially, drying up skin and reducing the redness, subsequently it would keep occuring.
When they dry up, it would still look so nasty. My skin darkened and I have the world's ugliest feet. But what was truly admirable was how I could live with them and then showing them off, but of course I didnt mean that, because I was not about to give up wearing such knee length skirts coz of these scars. Now if u ask me to wear such skirts, I'd think twice preferring to hide behind long skirt or pants even though they are still visible because obviously the skirts will hike up a bit when I sit down. It was one of the major reasons why I lost my desire to shop for shoes and I end up wearing the same pair over and over again till I got the tanline markings of the sandals which became more obvious each passing day.
Right....so now, after a battle of more than three years, I am finally cured from the eczema on my feet. K, so the feet and the skin above the ankles still bear the remnants of the ravage. Gawd..if I onlie knew a change of shower cream would work wonders. And to think that cream shower is half the price of the usual shower cream from dettol I previously used that did nothing to alleviate the itchiness. But I am still on the road to recovery. I hope to get the discolouration and brown pigmented scars to slowly diminish asap with the help of whitening lotion so I can wear a short skirt without feeling so self conscious. I mean, I wouldn't mind if I don't have long slim legs, but stocky fat legs instead....haha....but having ugly scars and letting the world see...is far worse for me at least. So, okay, kudos to me back then....for having such bravery and na-uh to me now..haha...
Still, not all are lost. My wardrobe got better and better by the year and one time, I was into cardigans. Almost everyday, I was in a cardigan because I wanted to wear nice tops. But to me, these nice tops wouldn't look nice, on me at least, if I don't wear a cardigan over it. K, some are obviously a bit small for me...and I tot that the cardigans can help to hide that fact. Then, what was more ridiculous was how at most times, I was wearing long sleeve tops underneath cardigans! I completely lost my confidence. I was self conscious over everything....my shoulders, my tummy, my boobs, my butt...I thought that they had been blown out of proportion. In other words, yeah...I put on a lot of weight in those years. I never exercised coz I considered travelling to work and back home as exercise already.
Of course people always remark how I can wear such tops with cardigan some more under the bright yellow sun. I got used to it lah actually. Still I hope that one day, I could completely do without cardigans. And I should have known better. I was buying the wrong clothes, and I guess I knew that....but I tried so hard to get out of my previous fashion get up. I refused to believe that I cannot wear these clothes even though they're in size XL but u know XL doesn't necessarily mean extra large but more like a medium, at least to me.
This year, I got a different kind of image. If my friend hadn't point it out, I wouldn't have realised I had stopped wearing cardigans. It all started when I started to partner colleagues that are of my age. They're so much trendier than me and even though we're all not exactly model-lisque type, I admire them for being so fashionable. It's like who cares...as long as u suit the clothes and not the other way round. Then I felt so hey...if they can, why can't i.
But still finding for such nice clothes like them is still difficult for me...and er...sometimes expensive too. However, I managed to get round this bend when I follow them round during their shopping spree in between work, and discovered clothes that not onlie fit me, but flatters me as well. At first, I didn't feel so good in wearing the clothes even though it's just a plain ol' top but I had to do away with cardigans. They're neither too big or too small for me...so I tot, hey maybe the problem is just me. Still I gave it a try and over time, I felt more and more comfortable. Plus they're very affordable coz I find out they're not exactly buying expensive clothes all the way.
Oh, and also I went on an exercise regime :) and got down to eating the right food and cutting down snacks. It was a trying period for me....and although at that time, I didn't lose so much weight, I felt more confident. But then, I felt I didn't lose much..like I barely lost 3 kg (which by the way fluctuates like crazy...) and I went into a minor depression even though I had encouraging colleagues who worked out with me and emotional support from my other friend. When they were offered compliments....I was offered compliments too but after I started to slag in my programme, though I continued to go to the gym...they naturally stopped coming. I totally slag in the gym preferring to just walk on the threadmill or jog a bit and then went to shower instead of continuing with the other machines. Yeah, and it didn't help that time, my so called deadline was coming and that was what...my bdae?
My desperation drove me to these rather expensive starch blocking pills which did even more damage. I put on weight....to the same weight when I first started out on this healthy regime! And I suspected I could have put on more than that...as I stopped weighing myself as it wouldn't be good news.
However, I sought the help from a neighbourhood doctor and true to his words, I lost weight gradually. But I still have to watch over what I eat...and continue to exercise too. And I am proud to say now...coupled with me fasting for almost three weeks, I achieved the weight which I wanted when I got on this regime. I ate onlie once a day....I don't even eat in the early morning...before the start of the fast, as I was too lazy to wake up..hehe. I tot, hey if eating or not eating, would still make me hungry, then wat's the point of eating anyway. Might as well continue to sleep.
I know this battle is still ongoing and in terms of clothes, I am proud to say that last month alone, I bought 5 pair of jeans but it was before I ate the pills from the doc. I never was the jeans sort of person coz I tot jeans don't do justice to me at all. I know I mentioned about this crazy jeans shopping spree in some post...but I wanted to say, that the jeans that I previously bought and fit me just nicely? I am having some trouble with them now as they're very loose on me now. Oh, and this one pair of jeans, the straight fitting kind...I remembered struggling while trying to wear them. I can take like 10 min just to pull it up, after jumping up and down like crazy to get the jeans up to my waist....then struggle to zip and then struggle to button. After that, I was breatheless and the jeans made me feel I am wearing a corset.
But guess what? I tried for fun to wear them just now....I had to jump like once onlie and then it was up to my waist already. K, and it took me less than 30 sec to zip up and button that set me thinking, like what...that's it?! And I didn't feel like the jeans were gripping to my legs as if u're wearing jeans a size or two smaller. Amazing........................
So! I can't wait to see how much I weigh by the end of this fasting period. My previous fasting attempts nerver gave me such miracles. ANd! I start receiving compliments again....haha...Like I said, I hope this will give way to a better sense of dressing...and get my confidence back on track. There are still so much weight to lose but heck..I'd rather enjoy every moment on the way to my ideal weight...
see ya!
I know I wrote a lot of things these past few days..and it's funnie that within these days too, I did not play the Sims 2. Now that is baffling. I guess the journal keeps me in check..although I had been talking particularly about a certain movie that was extraodinary in its own way. And it talked about the kind of romance..that I like as it just shows that 'you like who you like'...going beyond the skin colour..status...and wat have u..giving romanticsm a good name. And when I think about Sims 2 like analysing myself on why haven't I been playing, I felt that maybe once in awhile, I should get out of this virtual world. Anyway, I love both...writing and playing the game. Perhaps when my leave ends on Monday, and the following day I go back to work, I might need to play this game again once my 'cloud 9' days are numbered..hahaaha....
you know from the time I started work, right up till now, I was quite clueless over my fashion sense. It was like after I rummaged through my wardrobe, after being nagged by my mum, I was like...'eurgh.....did i wear this the last time?' And it wasn't like one or two times...that I felt I was such a bummer when it comes to the fashion dept as most clothes that I either bought from me or my aunt were the kind of clothes I'd probably wear when I am over thirty. Now, I am barely in my mid-twenties..let alone....the previous years when I was wearing them.
Okay, my physical attribute is the first concern. I was like in my very self conscious mode and I remembered not feeling comfortable wearing these clothes. But I felt like..die die..I had to wear them as I thought they were the onlie available clothes that could be worn by me. In other words, my fashion sense was dead. Plus, the influential factors driven by my mum and aunt who kept emphasizing my assets would onlie fit into these clothes...and my mums' constant reminder that I am not thin, so I should stop acting thin and wear these clothes coz there's nothing to flaunt anyway, except for my fats?
Then it didnt help too that since I was pretty new at that time, and also new to the working world as a whole, they knew better anyway. And my partner that time, wasn't some hip and trendy colleague (haha..no offence..i love her still!) because she was twenty years older than me and I shouldn't dress in contrast from her too much. I should have some sense of respect in the way I dress. Wearing loosely is the way to go..no tight fitting attires.
I admit that I got tired of the look and I felt so 'aunty' like. And I knew that I tried to change it a bit here and there and got down to Robinsons, a place I felt was the onlie one that could give me some justice in terms of clothings. However, I felt I kept buying more and more of the same things, like knee length skirts which were not really appropriate for me at least, but they were the onlie ones available for me that I could fit in. Yeah, that was also part of my trend. Not that I minded them...just that.......they were not too flattering for me, although just now, I was contemplating on starting to use them again. Think coz the length was not too appropriate coz they are slightly above the knee, as I am a bit on the tall side, and it didn't help that when I sat down, it would run up much higher than them..and ahem.....show off my heavy thighs. Eurgh...okay okay I get the point....time to move on.
Hrm, no matter what, there is still one thing that was pretty admirable of me, considering my bad taste in fashion. I had guts. Yeah, that was it. Guts. To carry off the knee length skirts given my bad case of rashes on my feet..which I contracted when i was working on a temp job. The skin on my feet were nastily ravaged leaving behind these ugly reddish marks as I would scratch them so badly at times, that there were cuts, bruise like marks in huge ugly markings. And I also had this nasty watery rash which was like a mini pool right smack in the middle of my right foot. I mean, it wasn't as if I never had rashes before, but never in my life, did I experience such atrocity created by rashes.
I learnt quite recently that I had a bad case of eczema. I am also glad that the skin creams and ointments are working very well too....whenever my eczema attacks come about. However, not to say I didn't suffer. The extreme itchiness followed by red angry blotching and the skin creams constantly running out made me complacent to keep going to the doctor and u know how such creams have a shelf life. I guess, because I tried to prolong the use the cream over the expired date that even though, it worked initially, drying up skin and reducing the redness, subsequently it would keep occuring.
When they dry up, it would still look so nasty. My skin darkened and I have the world's ugliest feet. But what was truly admirable was how I could live with them and then showing them off, but of course I didnt mean that, because I was not about to give up wearing such knee length skirts coz of these scars. Now if u ask me to wear such skirts, I'd think twice preferring to hide behind long skirt or pants even though they are still visible because obviously the skirts will hike up a bit when I sit down. It was one of the major reasons why I lost my desire to shop for shoes and I end up wearing the same pair over and over again till I got the tanline markings of the sandals which became more obvious each passing day.
Right....so now, after a battle of more than three years, I am finally cured from the eczema on my feet. K, so the feet and the skin above the ankles still bear the remnants of the ravage. Gawd..if I onlie knew a change of shower cream would work wonders. And to think that cream shower is half the price of the usual shower cream from dettol I previously used that did nothing to alleviate the itchiness. But I am still on the road to recovery. I hope to get the discolouration and brown pigmented scars to slowly diminish asap with the help of whitening lotion so I can wear a short skirt without feeling so self conscious. I mean, I wouldn't mind if I don't have long slim legs, but stocky fat legs instead....haha....but having ugly scars and letting the world see...is far worse for me at least. So, okay, kudos to me back then....for having such bravery and na-uh to me now..haha...
Still, not all are lost. My wardrobe got better and better by the year and one time, I was into cardigans. Almost everyday, I was in a cardigan because I wanted to wear nice tops. But to me, these nice tops wouldn't look nice, on me at least, if I don't wear a cardigan over it. K, some are obviously a bit small for me...and I tot that the cardigans can help to hide that fact. Then, what was more ridiculous was how at most times, I was wearing long sleeve tops underneath cardigans! I completely lost my confidence. I was self conscious over everything....my shoulders, my tummy, my boobs, my butt...I thought that they had been blown out of proportion. In other words, yeah...I put on a lot of weight in those years. I never exercised coz I considered travelling to work and back home as exercise already.
Of course people always remark how I can wear such tops with cardigan some more under the bright yellow sun. I got used to it lah actually. Still I hope that one day, I could completely do without cardigans. And I should have known better. I was buying the wrong clothes, and I guess I knew that....but I tried so hard to get out of my previous fashion get up. I refused to believe that I cannot wear these clothes even though they're in size XL but u know XL doesn't necessarily mean extra large but more like a medium, at least to me.
This year, I got a different kind of image. If my friend hadn't point it out, I wouldn't have realised I had stopped wearing cardigans. It all started when I started to partner colleagues that are of my age. They're so much trendier than me and even though we're all not exactly model-lisque type, I admire them for being so fashionable. It's like who cares...as long as u suit the clothes and not the other way round. Then I felt so hey...if they can, why can't i.
But still finding for such nice clothes like them is still difficult for me...and er...sometimes expensive too. However, I managed to get round this bend when I follow them round during their shopping spree in between work, and discovered clothes that not onlie fit me, but flatters me as well. At first, I didn't feel so good in wearing the clothes even though it's just a plain ol' top but I had to do away with cardigans. They're neither too big or too small for me...so I tot, hey maybe the problem is just me. Still I gave it a try and over time, I felt more and more comfortable. Plus they're very affordable coz I find out they're not exactly buying expensive clothes all the way.
Oh, and also I went on an exercise regime :) and got down to eating the right food and cutting down snacks. It was a trying period for me....and although at that time, I didn't lose so much weight, I felt more confident. But then, I felt I didn't lose much..like I barely lost 3 kg (which by the way fluctuates like crazy...) and I went into a minor depression even though I had encouraging colleagues who worked out with me and emotional support from my other friend. When they were offered compliments....I was offered compliments too but after I started to slag in my programme, though I continued to go to the gym...they naturally stopped coming. I totally slag in the gym preferring to just walk on the threadmill or jog a bit and then went to shower instead of continuing with the other machines. Yeah, and it didn't help that time, my so called deadline was coming and that was what...my bdae?
My desperation drove me to these rather expensive starch blocking pills which did even more damage. I put on weight....to the same weight when I first started out on this healthy regime! And I suspected I could have put on more than that...as I stopped weighing myself as it wouldn't be good news.
However, I sought the help from a neighbourhood doctor and true to his words, I lost weight gradually. But I still have to watch over what I eat...and continue to exercise too. And I am proud to say now...coupled with me fasting for almost three weeks, I achieved the weight which I wanted when I got on this regime. I ate onlie once a day....I don't even eat in the early morning...before the start of the fast, as I was too lazy to wake up..hehe. I tot, hey if eating or not eating, would still make me hungry, then wat's the point of eating anyway. Might as well continue to sleep.
I know this battle is still ongoing and in terms of clothes, I am proud to say that last month alone, I bought 5 pair of jeans but it was before I ate the pills from the doc. I never was the jeans sort of person coz I tot jeans don't do justice to me at all. I know I mentioned about this crazy jeans shopping spree in some post...but I wanted to say, that the jeans that I previously bought and fit me just nicely? I am having some trouble with them now as they're very loose on me now. Oh, and this one pair of jeans, the straight fitting kind...I remembered struggling while trying to wear them. I can take like 10 min just to pull it up, after jumping up and down like crazy to get the jeans up to my waist....then struggle to zip and then struggle to button. After that, I was breatheless and the jeans made me feel I am wearing a corset.
But guess what? I tried for fun to wear them just now....I had to jump like once onlie and then it was up to my waist already. K, and it took me less than 30 sec to zip up and button that set me thinking, like what...that's it?! And I didn't feel like the jeans were gripping to my legs as if u're wearing jeans a size or two smaller. Amazing........................
So! I can't wait to see how much I weigh by the end of this fasting period. My previous fasting attempts nerver gave me such miracles. ANd! I start receiving compliments again....haha...Like I said, I hope this will give way to a better sense of dressing...and get my confidence back on track. There are still so much weight to lose but heck..I'd rather enjoy every moment on the way to my ideal weight...
see ya!
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