okay..hi..
actually something did bother me big time before i watched csi:miami starring the lurve of my life and watching the movie Sepet (Chinese Eyes) on vcd that got me distracted right up to this point of time. it sorta made me disregard the existence of God and with that, had probably incurred the wrath of those who believed in His existence. Or even God himself. I scolded Him...I tot that He was just a figment of someone's imagination which later got materialised in bibles and then made known to the gazillions of people out there that God is our Creator..our Saviour...and not believing in Him would brand anyone of us as one of the followers of Satans. I knew that my faith in Him will come to the test upon the result I received..which was much to my disappointment despite my daily prayers to Him to ask for his help...not just for my sake..but that of my family. I knew that this was gonna be like one of the controversies often conjured up in the media...like whether God is indeed, listening to our every prayer, every woe and every mercy to Him just to seek solace in Him when one has no one else to turn to but Him.
I don't know if this is just one of the challenges that we have to face..with a brave front..in regards to living with a simple belief that no one is perfect. No one is gonna be free from problems...and no one has this happy always shiny smiley faces on them. But it's not easy...and even if u tell me...that my problem right now is far more minute than those who are facing a death threat everyday in a war torn country or on their escape route from an impending typhoon. No matter what..a problem is still a problem..whether on a small or big scale. Psycologically, it is affecting me....and spiritually, it has weakened me. Maybe this outcome is not of His doing but of my doing...but He is supposed to stand by me through my toughest times and what do I get in the end? Nothing but disappointment. Im ashamed I'm even fasting right now...I am ashamed I am even thinking about Him and I am ashamed that I wasted so many hours praying and praying...begging for His help...onlie to be turned down flat like it was doomed from the start. Except that I refused to see it because I knew He would help me through it. But I guess I was wrong. I am so compelled to do things that are against my religious teachings...just to show how I inspiteful I am feeling right now.
I know u maybe thinking this is probably just a phase I am going thru' right now where my so called belief in the existence of God is going on a trial now. I am simply......tired. Tired of all these things around me that is making me stagnant though I don't necessarily show it. Like for my other friends, even though they are not in their best time of their lives too....at least their future is secured. For me? What do I see? Nothing but a full stop like my journey has gone on a constant speed...then slowing down...then slowing down. I feel like such a big lump of disappointment in myself right now. I am just going through life in motions without a single feeling in me...like it has been sapped dry.
The onlie positive thing I can conjure up from my bad experience rite now...is think that maybe, the onlie other thing that can convince me that He truly does exist, is that if I got something far better than my lost opportunity. But who knows..this may just be a wishful thinking...and no, I don't believe in miracles either now.
actually something did bother me big time before i watched csi:miami starring the lurve of my life and watching the movie Sepet (Chinese Eyes) on vcd that got me distracted right up to this point of time. it sorta made me disregard the existence of God and with that, had probably incurred the wrath of those who believed in His existence. Or even God himself. I scolded Him...I tot that He was just a figment of someone's imagination which later got materialised in bibles and then made known to the gazillions of people out there that God is our Creator..our Saviour...and not believing in Him would brand anyone of us as one of the followers of Satans. I knew that my faith in Him will come to the test upon the result I received..which was much to my disappointment despite my daily prayers to Him to ask for his help...not just for my sake..but that of my family. I knew that this was gonna be like one of the controversies often conjured up in the media...like whether God is indeed, listening to our every prayer, every woe and every mercy to Him just to seek solace in Him when one has no one else to turn to but Him.
I don't know if this is just one of the challenges that we have to face..with a brave front..in regards to living with a simple belief that no one is perfect. No one is gonna be free from problems...and no one has this happy always shiny smiley faces on them. But it's not easy...and even if u tell me...that my problem right now is far more minute than those who are facing a death threat everyday in a war torn country or on their escape route from an impending typhoon. No matter what..a problem is still a problem..whether on a small or big scale. Psycologically, it is affecting me....and spiritually, it has weakened me. Maybe this outcome is not of His doing but of my doing...but He is supposed to stand by me through my toughest times and what do I get in the end? Nothing but disappointment. Im ashamed I'm even fasting right now...I am ashamed I am even thinking about Him and I am ashamed that I wasted so many hours praying and praying...begging for His help...onlie to be turned down flat like it was doomed from the start. Except that I refused to see it because I knew He would help me through it. But I guess I was wrong. I am so compelled to do things that are against my religious teachings...just to show how I inspiteful I am feeling right now.
I know u maybe thinking this is probably just a phase I am going thru' right now where my so called belief in the existence of God is going on a trial now. I am simply......tired. Tired of all these things around me that is making me stagnant though I don't necessarily show it. Like for my other friends, even though they are not in their best time of their lives too....at least their future is secured. For me? What do I see? Nothing but a full stop like my journey has gone on a constant speed...then slowing down...then slowing down. I feel like such a big lump of disappointment in myself right now. I am just going through life in motions without a single feeling in me...like it has been sapped dry.
The onlie positive thing I can conjure up from my bad experience rite now...is think that maybe, the onlie other thing that can convince me that He truly does exist, is that if I got something far better than my lost opportunity. But who knows..this may just be a wishful thinking...and no, I don't believe in miracles either now.
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