Life in Shambles
Wah!*sob sob* why are people making vast improvements in their life for a better future while I am still stuck in my hell hole?!! WAHH!!!!
Okay..no use crying also. Just as I tot I got the opportunity to straighten out my life for once, I tot I just ruined that perfectly good chance even though I had prepared for like days. Oh well..I am still not giving up hope. Everyday I silently pray to myself..often repeatedly in a day...that God will finally grant my wish. That I am finally able to make a change in my life. I want to have a future. I want to do something that I truly like. I want to be proud to say to people about what I am doing. But more importantly, I want to be on the same par as everyone else that I am not stagnant and am willing to make changes. But like you know..Rahayu always like to mess things up whether she likes it or not. Damn..blame it on my stupid personality and my disability to communicate. I tot after a few years of learning to stand up on my own two feet...learn to interact with people...I still talk in gibberish language. You know it sucks to a great great extent. Like I got it all down there onlie to be overtaken by this stupid personality of mine. And it is at times like this that I turned to God to bless me with that one single miracle.
You know sometimes people say miracles come to you at times of crisis when you think you are hanging by a piece of fine thread. You come out of it stronger....all the worrisome days and nites...are all for a good cause...for this one piece of good news..in the form of a miracle. I remembered back then when I tot I had just ruined my chance of ever leaving the school with a piece of educational certificate...Would you believe that I onlie passed one PA thetic subject in my prelims onlie to have passed all the subjects inclusive of that General Paper..which all the way..I tot I muttered all the way through..And also how I failed miserably in my second year of studies onlie to repeat the year and at the end of the year too...not onlie did I progressed to the next level, I even got a 350 bursary?!! I tot that my one and onlie time back in Secondary Two was the final time..but no, it was what I called a miracle on top of another miracle.
Onlie caused I worked hard at it. You see the funny thing about miracles is that..you don't just wished upon a star and not do anything about it. You have to be willing to work hard at it....and it is onlie after that when you tot your months or days of preparations had gone down the drain after you screw it up....sometimes a miracle could happen. CHeh...I talked as if I am a miracle expert. Dunt even know if there is truth behind a miracle...or for a fact..if it ever exists..or just a matter of coincidence. It's like saying you don't believe in the Supernaturals..but if something happens that is baffling even to the best of Scientists...would you still uphold in your disbelief? This is a touchy issue lah coz everyone is entitled to their opinions.
Yeah..I know about my religious history..which is zil by the way...but in times of crisis like this..i mean more like personal crisis..I turned to HIM. Duno if HE is thinking..'haiz..this gal onlie come to me if she needs help. If not she pretend I dont exist'...If there is one thing...ONE thing I could change about myself is that....I will not stop thinking that God exists just because I am not facing one of my personal crisis. Or that if what I pray doesn't come true...........................well...I'd still believe in HIM although I would say it'd be twice as hard. You know how some people..or a majority of people would say 'of course lah God exist! Look around you...you think man can make trees meh?!' Yah Yah...I know that...but heck man...I am as sceptical as your next door neighbour...whenever you say that no..you were not the one knocking their wall from the other side....man, this is such a sensitive issue. I started to believe that God doesn't exist as a figure head...you know how they say that He is up there...watching us..with his long beard..and wrinkled face....or others may say that..God...is actually a woman! Whoa! It's like saying that Demi Moore is actually Ashton Kutcher's long lost Mum..
It was that day lah..when I was in Primary Six...when I actually had this small space of a cupboard left behind my grandfather when he moved in with my father's niece. So basically it also acted as a mini 'dumpster' for me belongings..and of all the things, I had to throw my brand new IC...kept in a transparent card sleeve into it. Then one day..when I wanted to look for it...it WASN't THERE! Of course...i checked the whole house but my mind still lingered over that cupboard which was actually still filled with my grandfather's religious books. And I didn't take long to find it coz had to go to my aunt's home for Hari Raya visiting. It was then in the cab...I had this strong believe that if I can't find it..maybe God can...and then....that was it. My teacher then had told me...if I chant my prayers regularly enough....without fail...it will eventually reach the skies for God to hear and then grant your wish or answer your prayers. I decided that at a time of crisis like this...I gave a try.
So there I was...very very upset having lost my Identity Card..some more so brand new...and I looked out of the window and started to ask for HIS help. I kept saying again and again and again....how I wanted to find my IC again..and I promise that I will take good care of it..On the way back....I said those very same things again. Repeating continually with a hope that my prayers would reach the sky..*I was 12 back then...so figures the simplistic point of view..keke*
And guess what? I tried my luck again...I tot my prayers would have reached heaven by then....and I opened my cupboard to find my IC. And guess what? It took me just less than 5 minutes..to discover where it was. My IC was actually stashed right behind the cupboard..hidden by the stacks of books. I was overjoyed of course.......and I was a firm believer that if you need help, HE is there for you.
But as time goes by.....it was appearing more like a matter of coincidence. But sometimes..I still think that if you are very sincere in your heart....He will sympathise with you. Then again...dunno if it is already pre-written in your book of life...that you will not get this..but get that...or *gulp*...I was actually destined to lose my IC then..onlie to find it later to teach me a lesson to never ever ever be careless. It was a lesson alrite.....I didn't misplace my IC anymore since then...although my wallet was stolen once before onlie to be found somewhere in school a few days later. My IC was inside there. OR! But what if...you can actually change your fate? Like you know...how some people of my own race..say what to do....they are already fated to be together....if they seem to be like and odd couple of sort (of course this varies by definitions of course!)...and they'll just accept that fate since it has already been pre written they marry so and so.
Like okay....so maybe they may be right...or maybe they secretly admire the person but never had the courage to admit and appear egoistic on the outside like..'pfft! Not that I wanted him anyway..had so many suitors! But of course lah...my mum has the last word..' But inside they are like...'YEs! I married him! Take that gals! Bwahahahaah..!'.u know....and then they blame it on their destiny. Cheh..I think I'll be in such category when I just had to marry a bloody handsome Ang MOh against the protests of the beautiful women he had dated before...and I'd be like so damn proud of my destiny and rubbing in their face by saying...'Well!..Guess we're just fated to be together whether you like it or not...' of which all the girls will be puking by then...So it's funny how you perceive certain things differently in a spiritual point of view. Of course you have like an extremist declaring his love for God by making hundreds of people perish in bombings...because he tot that was what God wanted. And that is absolutely not true....probably what God meant that if this extremist and his fellow 'friends' banish from the face of earth...then peace is attained plus a couple of tweaks here and there like a certain..ahem..president.
Heck man....I don't care if you think that God is just a figment of the imagination of someone who lived centuries ago...or you think that a sudden twist of fate is merely coincidential..and not an act of God...like I said, I am not here to chance people's opinions. Religion is supposed to be like a universal language..not the..My God says this..Your God says that...we can't agree and we fight and shed blood! Like whatever....of course people will say that their religion is better than another and yadah yadah..but it shouldn't be a cause of conflict after all.
And any religion who supports war as a form of forced unity among the people in the world..maybe you should straighten yourself out, do some form of meditation...take some medication...and see for yourself...if you don't like to see your family perish infront of your eyes...or lose any loved ones...what makes you think other people will like that?
So I dunno man....like I said initially, some changes are good and if things aren't supposed to happen just the way we wanted despite our endless cries for help..and turning to the one and onlie in times of crisis..it can onlie be a test for me..of which I have to come out strong. But I am really really scared.....I know I am as if going in circles with all my ramblings..even offend one or two people in the process........but.....I am really...really scared....and what is more scary is how I view God if let's say....things didn't turn out right. I try to psychologically prepare for the worst..but at the moment..I refused to. I can't turn back time so I can onlie hope and pray...that by any spiritual manner...if you believe in yourself you have the IT factor....and you are really genuine in your intention...may it come true. Sometimes I feel like I am in a very clueless state of mind right now..that the onlie thing that can make me forget about things for awhile back home is to indulge myself in a little virtual game. It's so hard...seeing how my own current real life..is facing one of the major obstacles in life.....is running out of fuel. It's like I have been running and running non stop without a destination and the tracks are blurred out. I want to imagine myself going straight but i always end up running in circles...
Please....I beg of God this time.....I may not be a hardcore 'devil'......or have a halo like an angel....but I hope he can lighten my load quickly...before I lose a grip on myself. It's a really hair pulling affair...except that i love my hair too much to do that. But still.....I am in a complete daze..and for one of the rare times....i am keeping this to myself which makes the pressure even harder to cope. And the fact that I am not revealing my problem here either isn't helping me much too. So I can onlie think about how horrible I can be sometimes....that if I need help..I look for the One and Only but I hope HE knows that no matter what...I don't doubt his existence. It could be just a work of positive thinking, distraction or the infamous matter of coincidence..but I hope He can drag me out of the mess I made unknowingly. It's so hard...so hard...I so want to make a change in my life..but I am so stuck...so so so stuck in my loophole..haiz.
SO please God...onlie u know how wrecked I am inside...and how outside is just a facade. I am not hoping for the worst..and I guess that adds up to the pressure coz I am so scared. I hope this is gonna be over soon.
Okay..no use crying also. Just as I tot I got the opportunity to straighten out my life for once, I tot I just ruined that perfectly good chance even though I had prepared for like days. Oh well..I am still not giving up hope. Everyday I silently pray to myself..often repeatedly in a day...that God will finally grant my wish. That I am finally able to make a change in my life. I want to have a future. I want to do something that I truly like. I want to be proud to say to people about what I am doing. But more importantly, I want to be on the same par as everyone else that I am not stagnant and am willing to make changes. But like you know..Rahayu always like to mess things up whether she likes it or not. Damn..blame it on my stupid personality and my disability to communicate. I tot after a few years of learning to stand up on my own two feet...learn to interact with people...I still talk in gibberish language. You know it sucks to a great great extent. Like I got it all down there onlie to be overtaken by this stupid personality of mine. And it is at times like this that I turned to God to bless me with that one single miracle.
You know sometimes people say miracles come to you at times of crisis when you think you are hanging by a piece of fine thread. You come out of it stronger....all the worrisome days and nites...are all for a good cause...for this one piece of good news..in the form of a miracle. I remembered back then when I tot I had just ruined my chance of ever leaving the school with a piece of educational certificate...Would you believe that I onlie passed one PA thetic subject in my prelims onlie to have passed all the subjects inclusive of that General Paper..which all the way..I tot I muttered all the way through..And also how I failed miserably in my second year of studies onlie to repeat the year and at the end of the year too...not onlie did I progressed to the next level, I even got a 350 bursary?!! I tot that my one and onlie time back in Secondary Two was the final time..but no, it was what I called a miracle on top of another miracle.
Onlie caused I worked hard at it. You see the funny thing about miracles is that..you don't just wished upon a star and not do anything about it. You have to be willing to work hard at it....and it is onlie after that when you tot your months or days of preparations had gone down the drain after you screw it up....sometimes a miracle could happen. CHeh...I talked as if I am a miracle expert. Dunt even know if there is truth behind a miracle...or for a fact..if it ever exists..or just a matter of coincidence. It's like saying you don't believe in the Supernaturals..but if something happens that is baffling even to the best of Scientists...would you still uphold in your disbelief? This is a touchy issue lah coz everyone is entitled to their opinions.
Yeah..I know about my religious history..which is zil by the way...but in times of crisis like this..i mean more like personal crisis..I turned to HIM. Duno if HE is thinking..'haiz..this gal onlie come to me if she needs help. If not she pretend I dont exist'...If there is one thing...ONE thing I could change about myself is that....I will not stop thinking that God exists just because I am not facing one of my personal crisis. Or that if what I pray doesn't come true...........................well...I'd still believe in HIM although I would say it'd be twice as hard. You know how some people..or a majority of people would say 'of course lah God exist! Look around you...you think man can make trees meh?!' Yah Yah...I know that...but heck man...I am as sceptical as your next door neighbour...whenever you say that no..you were not the one knocking their wall from the other side....man, this is such a sensitive issue. I started to believe that God doesn't exist as a figure head...you know how they say that He is up there...watching us..with his long beard..and wrinkled face....or others may say that..God...is actually a woman! Whoa! It's like saying that Demi Moore is actually Ashton Kutcher's long lost Mum..
It was that day lah..when I was in Primary Six...when I actually had this small space of a cupboard left behind my grandfather when he moved in with my father's niece. So basically it also acted as a mini 'dumpster' for me belongings..and of all the things, I had to throw my brand new IC...kept in a transparent card sleeve into it. Then one day..when I wanted to look for it...it WASN't THERE! Of course...i checked the whole house but my mind still lingered over that cupboard which was actually still filled with my grandfather's religious books. And I didn't take long to find it coz had to go to my aunt's home for Hari Raya visiting. It was then in the cab...I had this strong believe that if I can't find it..maybe God can...and then....that was it. My teacher then had told me...if I chant my prayers regularly enough....without fail...it will eventually reach the skies for God to hear and then grant your wish or answer your prayers. I decided that at a time of crisis like this...I gave a try.
So there I was...very very upset having lost my Identity Card..some more so brand new...and I looked out of the window and started to ask for HIS help. I kept saying again and again and again....how I wanted to find my IC again..and I promise that I will take good care of it..On the way back....I said those very same things again. Repeating continually with a hope that my prayers would reach the sky..*I was 12 back then...so figures the simplistic point of view..keke*
And guess what? I tried my luck again...I tot my prayers would have reached heaven by then....and I opened my cupboard to find my IC. And guess what? It took me just less than 5 minutes..to discover where it was. My IC was actually stashed right behind the cupboard..hidden by the stacks of books. I was overjoyed of course.......and I was a firm believer that if you need help, HE is there for you.
But as time goes by.....it was appearing more like a matter of coincidence. But sometimes..I still think that if you are very sincere in your heart....He will sympathise with you. Then again...dunno if it is already pre-written in your book of life...that you will not get this..but get that...or *gulp*...I was actually destined to lose my IC then..onlie to find it later to teach me a lesson to never ever ever be careless. It was a lesson alrite.....I didn't misplace my IC anymore since then...although my wallet was stolen once before onlie to be found somewhere in school a few days later. My IC was inside there. OR! But what if...you can actually change your fate? Like you know...how some people of my own race..say what to do....they are already fated to be together....if they seem to be like and odd couple of sort (of course this varies by definitions of course!)...and they'll just accept that fate since it has already been pre written they marry so and so.
Like okay....so maybe they may be right...or maybe they secretly admire the person but never had the courage to admit and appear egoistic on the outside like..'pfft! Not that I wanted him anyway..had so many suitors! But of course lah...my mum has the last word..' But inside they are like...'YEs! I married him! Take that gals! Bwahahahaah..!'.u know....and then they blame it on their destiny. Cheh..I think I'll be in such category when I just had to marry a bloody handsome Ang MOh against the protests of the beautiful women he had dated before...and I'd be like so damn proud of my destiny and rubbing in their face by saying...'Well!..Guess we're just fated to be together whether you like it or not...' of which all the girls will be puking by then...So it's funny how you perceive certain things differently in a spiritual point of view. Of course you have like an extremist declaring his love for God by making hundreds of people perish in bombings...because he tot that was what God wanted. And that is absolutely not true....probably what God meant that if this extremist and his fellow 'friends' banish from the face of earth...then peace is attained plus a couple of tweaks here and there like a certain..ahem..president.
Heck man....I don't care if you think that God is just a figment of the imagination of someone who lived centuries ago...or you think that a sudden twist of fate is merely coincidential..and not an act of God...like I said, I am not here to chance people's opinions. Religion is supposed to be like a universal language..not the..My God says this..Your God says that...we can't agree and we fight and shed blood! Like whatever....of course people will say that their religion is better than another and yadah yadah..but it shouldn't be a cause of conflict after all.
And any religion who supports war as a form of forced unity among the people in the world..maybe you should straighten yourself out, do some form of meditation...take some medication...and see for yourself...if you don't like to see your family perish infront of your eyes...or lose any loved ones...what makes you think other people will like that?
So I dunno man....like I said initially, some changes are good and if things aren't supposed to happen just the way we wanted despite our endless cries for help..and turning to the one and onlie in times of crisis..it can onlie be a test for me..of which I have to come out strong. But I am really really scared.....I know I am as if going in circles with all my ramblings..even offend one or two people in the process........but.....I am really...really scared....and what is more scary is how I view God if let's say....things didn't turn out right. I try to psychologically prepare for the worst..but at the moment..I refused to. I can't turn back time so I can onlie hope and pray...that by any spiritual manner...if you believe in yourself you have the IT factor....and you are really genuine in your intention...may it come true. Sometimes I feel like I am in a very clueless state of mind right now..that the onlie thing that can make me forget about things for awhile back home is to indulge myself in a little virtual game. It's so hard...seeing how my own current real life..is facing one of the major obstacles in life.....is running out of fuel. It's like I have been running and running non stop without a destination and the tracks are blurred out. I want to imagine myself going straight but i always end up running in circles...
Please....I beg of God this time.....I may not be a hardcore 'devil'......or have a halo like an angel....but I hope he can lighten my load quickly...before I lose a grip on myself. It's a really hair pulling affair...except that i love my hair too much to do that. But still.....I am in a complete daze..and for one of the rare times....i am keeping this to myself which makes the pressure even harder to cope. And the fact that I am not revealing my problem here either isn't helping me much too. So I can onlie think about how horrible I can be sometimes....that if I need help..I look for the One and Only but I hope HE knows that no matter what...I don't doubt his existence. It could be just a work of positive thinking, distraction or the infamous matter of coincidence..but I hope He can drag me out of the mess I made unknowingly. It's so hard...so hard...I so want to make a change in my life..but I am so stuck...so so so stuck in my loophole..haiz.
SO please God...onlie u know how wrecked I am inside...and how outside is just a facade. I am not hoping for the worst..and I guess that adds up to the pressure coz I am so scared. I hope this is gonna be over soon.
Comments