Me not Love Sick
hello!
"what a lovely day, I say? when the gush of wind blows ur hair..and u think about *breathe* the last nite's sexual escapade with the scholar from down under who onlie speaks furby language..*breathe!*....oh what a lovely day, I say."
sorrie..got lost in the world of poetry..which incidentally doesn't sound like poetry at all. anyway, wanna say what a sucky two months it has been. Yes..sucky..as in suck eggs? SUckY. And to think it's supposed to be MY biRtdae month last...er..month! And tot that hey..maybe october will be an exception..but no................it proves to be the same. A lot the same. NOw what? Wait for november and see how things are gonna turn out instead? Yeowch.
okay...maybe there are better things to come...i'll never know for sure. Like when I had just turned 18, and had the worst moments of my life in that month and the following one month later. And guess what..a few months after that..right almost till I was about to turn 18 again..(heh..tot i was gonna give away my real age, eh?)...being 18 was the best year of my teenage life. I never felt so liberated coming out from my 'cocoon' and show to other people, besides my good ol' buddies...how zany i can be..and ahem..how 'cheapo' I can be too..hahahaa...I'm glad that people know there's more to me that what I always showcase outside..as a way of telling people to not bother me. In the end, I got lost in my own reclusive world that I felt so compelled to get out of there..as I couldnt' stand anymore criticsm thrown at me. It's like..to them..i'm this moron or something, who doesn't have friends...coz well....who would wanna be friends with someone who keeps to herself.
Whatever. Anyway, like I said..it hasn't been good lately but it's not all good u see. I guess the onlie thing I can be contented for now is how much weight loss I had...and being in a new weight range I tot I'd never get back...was a relief. I was so close to the weight that I dreaded to be...as it would be THE ultimatum..However, I still have a long way to go...and it's still a long battle ahead. I wanna thank my friends and colleagues who helped me with my problem..and didn't once stop believing that I could lose weight and look good like them. Right now..I am happy that I can wear a size lesser than what I would wear..and for once, appear bigger in my previous tops instead of rather fitting. Now I have to do this wardrobe overhaul...but since, some of the clothes I onlie bought them like this year..(and who knows if i gain weight again...*touch wood*..) I stilll keep what I deemed as still wearable. But I am still glad to buy some new ones as well! woo hoo! where is the SALE when you need them?!!!!!
Also, this month I actually 'opened' up what I had been hiding within myself eversince I stopped chatting on the net and knowing some guys from there. And when I vowed to myself never ever to make friends from the chatrooms again, and let guys get to know me as I am instead of being some pseudonym..I didn't know it would be so tough. My ultra weight gain..ever since I left school and went into this eating frenzy...crushed my hopes that some guy would at least look at me. I felt so dejected as I never felt so 'big' before..even though I am big for the longest time..onlie never made it into such a personal issue. And I had this big denial issue that NOBODY would even look at me...coz hey, I'm so fat..and so lame looking. Plus, I feel so unromantic...
But hey...at least I still enjoy being single. Really! I know u're thinking that I am just trying to comfort myself..but no. I guess it's better suited to my lifestyle in the sense I don't really go out a lot with my friends..onlie during work do I travel. But what I just wanted...was some form of friendship with a guy or two..ahem..the kind where ur friends swear they tot we're a couple..but we're not...haha.. So what if they don't end up being my boyfriend or something...basically, just a friend that I can treat like my other gal pals and having a differing point of view, in particular, a male point of view. Also, u know...go out for coffee or something..just hanging out at the movies..but no, we're not in love or something.
But I guess....when I think about it, it's not as if I'm lacking in guy friends either. Sure they don't go out with me like..err..just me onlie. Although me going out for lunch with my supervisor during work at one time..don't count..ha, but he still thought that me taking his tissue without permission was like...'eurgh...u!!!'...thing. But u know what..they're still cool to me. Maybe I don't have such luck as my other friend who got to go out on an unofficial date with someone she liked secretly. But unfortunately, he totally forgot about her later...then hey me? I used to have friends whom I had gone out casually also but once they got a girlfriend, it's like they totally forgot that I had to help them along the way, while they are nursing their 'what should I do?'..'do you still think she will still like me?'...doubts. Once it's like 'bullseye!'....I'm no longer in the picture...they no longer called me...no longer messaged me..and when I tot that narh..maybe it's me who didn't, I proved myself wrong. I tried to keep in touch with them..but they ignored me totally..like I never existed. Like I never ever helped them or listened to their constant whinings over the gals they liked and how hard it was to confess their love.
Trust me...it isn't easy to hear guys whining and whining...like some sick puppy on where they would go to for their date..what music they will play for their gal..and yadah yadah....I'm like..'oh..okay..that's a nice song..so when are u going to ask her out?' And they'd be like "I dunno...sighz...she still can't get over her ex'..and naturally, I'd be like..'uhm......u never tried asking them out..u know casually lah..for a movie or something?' And they'd say 'I dunno...but I think she's not the one lah..but...I dunno..I still like her..' ARGGHH!!!!!!!! I had this urge to say to them..'DUDE! WAKE UP!' but I felt like I never had the pridviledge to get to talk to guys, so as draggy as the conversation can be..almost everytime, I had to endure. Did i even mention to you that they rarely asked about my well being..how my day was....I had to always be cut off by them. But sweet ol' rahayu was never the one who'd say 'OI! I am talking here!..'
I tell ya it has not been such a major issue to me in regards to this...'why am I so unlucky in love' thing. Sure, I'll think about it but never has it overpowered me. Until of coz..I had to watch some movie that I got in touch with my soul and brought up that image of the guy from some place..coz it was the last guy I got to know..although over official issues. I never fancied him...really..just tot that he is cute the more I meet him on different days. Plus, knowing how sweet he was in remembering my bdae in which we onlie like met for 5 minutes the last meeting when he found my bdae was coming.
For a fact, I am not desperate and I'm super glad that right now, eversince I stopped watching that movie over and over again, I'm back to being on the ground level. But it hasn't come to a full circle yet...still, I do learn a thing or two over that 'romantic' period of my life thang..u know how I am more in touch with my feminine side instead of moving along the hours in a monotonous manner. I neglected taking care of my nails and skin..but now, I appreciate my looks better now. I am also thinking on how I can try to dress better...improve on my personality..and so forth. But now..I am doing it for the right reason..not for the wrong reason. I am doing it for myself..not for the next guy I would attract.
Oh yeah...and over how normal I am. I tot I hardly have feelings for anyone yet..at least for someone who is a non-celebrity and as common as I am, a Singaporean and not some Australian or American dudes I saw over at Orchard Road..haha...but still, they're gorgeous. Thank goodness I still lurveeeeee guys...flirting with them on a friendly basis...haha.....even though they have girlfriends in the form of ..ahem...my friends. Hey, u girls got the best guys! They STILL are not attracted to me...sighz...hahahhaaaha..Oh, and not all yuppy Singaporean guys are stuck up...or have eyes for pretty slim girls with porcelain skin and wearing super nice clothes only. Yeah, I very much learnt that...I've seen girls who are around my size or even bigger...have guys who look like they'll date a model anytime...showing much love to them. I don't aim for these guys lah...or want to have a boyfriend like them. I just feel that S'pore guys can be so sweet at times. Just look at AzamtheHunk too!
I don't know if the guy I met at the particular Singpost was being nice and friendly to us as part of work only. But he was oozing with sincerity on wanting to help me and my friend..and especially me when I felt dejected that I wasted my time there..onlie to be told I am a few weeks shy of the official age. The next meeting, he was still sincere in helping us that it was almost like he knew us before this already...and that he was doing us a favour as a friend and talking to us like one too. He was also sincere in showing his concern right up to the very short brief last meeting. Guess that was why I got a minor crush on this kind young yuppy..wooh! Plus he's cute too...love ya hair!
You know what...I have slapped myself repeatedly...in my mind lah..hehe...to do myself a favour that Rahayu IS not love sick. Just that...I lost myself in this dreamy world of romance as I am fighting to accept the cruelty life has been playing on me. Already I had my single hope crushed...and I so wanted to change my life for the better..alas, that opportunity has been snatched away from me. I am in a dilemma when I think about other friends of mine who are promised of a better future..once they complete their studies or about to complete..where else mine? I don't even know what is to become of my future. And just as I appreciated them coming for my birthday treat, I didn't expect that I would continue to get things that I wouldn't use or be able to use. Yes, I still appreciate their gifts to me...though not one seemed to be so 'rahayu' unlike the ones that they used to get for their birthdaes. I felt like hey...I guess they still don't know me well enough? The so called many gifts that I got...were mostly used or stuffs that they didn't want anymore except for the dress and skirt..which I'd never wear.
I know I like to get things that are no longer useful to them.. but are to me. Just that..I don't expect to get them on my birthday. Still...I appreciate them..really...now they're somewhere in my room or the wardrobe. The last time I saw these 'gifts' was on the nite I put them away for keeps and perhaps, the onlie thing I found useful was the slightly used lancome perfume. But u know...some gifts are better than no gifts, whether used or not...useful to me or not..As for the 'used items' or knick knacks that I got which they never used..the one thing I am glad is that at least, they know Rahayu likes give-aways..haha...Erm, I guess that is one of the reasons why I didn't write about what happened on my birthday on the last celebration.
I was just clueless as to what to write..I didn't wanna appear as being 'unappreciative' or what...I just didn't know what was really there to say. That I was a little bit disappointed? Or how I felt that this gathering wasn't intended for my birthday..rather like how it was more about meeting their good ol' pals again..which brought about remarks that sounded like they shouldn't be there...if they knew this person or that person wasn't coming. I didn't think that I should tell other people who wasn't coming....coz I tot that u know...this gathering was intended for my bithday...not some annual gathering I organized for the sake of 'get together'..so the information was basically for me.
But still, thanks for the brownie cake with ice cream although I had eaten two bites onlie...but u know what...as long as my friends are happy, I am too. Anyway, it's over...well, the fotos are still with me. SOrry if I didn't send over to u all..as I didn't feel like sending to anybody. It didn't feel like a celebration to me. I felt as if I disappointed u all coz I didn't manage to successfully invite those whom u wanted to meet more than anyone else. Sorry...
Okay..guess that's about cleared up. So, yeah...basically i'm back to my old self.
"what a lovely day, I say? when the gush of wind blows ur hair..and u think about *breathe* the last nite's sexual escapade with the scholar from down under who onlie speaks furby language..*breathe!*....oh what a lovely day, I say."
sorrie..got lost in the world of poetry..which incidentally doesn't sound like poetry at all. anyway, wanna say what a sucky two months it has been. Yes..sucky..as in suck eggs? SUckY. And to think it's supposed to be MY biRtdae month last...er..month! And tot that hey..maybe october will be an exception..but no................it proves to be the same. A lot the same. NOw what? Wait for november and see how things are gonna turn out instead? Yeowch.
okay...maybe there are better things to come...i'll never know for sure. Like when I had just turned 18, and had the worst moments of my life in that month and the following one month later. And guess what..a few months after that..right almost till I was about to turn 18 again..(heh..tot i was gonna give away my real age, eh?)...being 18 was the best year of my teenage life. I never felt so liberated coming out from my 'cocoon' and show to other people, besides my good ol' buddies...how zany i can be..and ahem..how 'cheapo' I can be too..hahahaa...I'm glad that people know there's more to me that what I always showcase outside..as a way of telling people to not bother me. In the end, I got lost in my own reclusive world that I felt so compelled to get out of there..as I couldnt' stand anymore criticsm thrown at me. It's like..to them..i'm this moron or something, who doesn't have friends...coz well....who would wanna be friends with someone who keeps to herself.
Whatever. Anyway, like I said..it hasn't been good lately but it's not all good u see. I guess the onlie thing I can be contented for now is how much weight loss I had...and being in a new weight range I tot I'd never get back...was a relief. I was so close to the weight that I dreaded to be...as it would be THE ultimatum..However, I still have a long way to go...and it's still a long battle ahead. I wanna thank my friends and colleagues who helped me with my problem..and didn't once stop believing that I could lose weight and look good like them. Right now..I am happy that I can wear a size lesser than what I would wear..and for once, appear bigger in my previous tops instead of rather fitting. Now I have to do this wardrobe overhaul...but since, some of the clothes I onlie bought them like this year..(and who knows if i gain weight again...*touch wood*..) I stilll keep what I deemed as still wearable. But I am still glad to buy some new ones as well! woo hoo! where is the SALE when you need them?!!!!!
Also, this month I actually 'opened' up what I had been hiding within myself eversince I stopped chatting on the net and knowing some guys from there. And when I vowed to myself never ever to make friends from the chatrooms again, and let guys get to know me as I am instead of being some pseudonym..I didn't know it would be so tough. My ultra weight gain..ever since I left school and went into this eating frenzy...crushed my hopes that some guy would at least look at me. I felt so dejected as I never felt so 'big' before..even though I am big for the longest time..onlie never made it into such a personal issue. And I had this big denial issue that NOBODY would even look at me...coz hey, I'm so fat..and so lame looking. Plus, I feel so unromantic...
But hey...at least I still enjoy being single. Really! I know u're thinking that I am just trying to comfort myself..but no. I guess it's better suited to my lifestyle in the sense I don't really go out a lot with my friends..onlie during work do I travel. But what I just wanted...was some form of friendship with a guy or two..ahem..the kind where ur friends swear they tot we're a couple..but we're not...haha.. So what if they don't end up being my boyfriend or something...basically, just a friend that I can treat like my other gal pals and having a differing point of view, in particular, a male point of view. Also, u know...go out for coffee or something..just hanging out at the movies..but no, we're not in love or something.
But I guess....when I think about it, it's not as if I'm lacking in guy friends either. Sure they don't go out with me like..err..just me onlie. Although me going out for lunch with my supervisor during work at one time..don't count..ha, but he still thought that me taking his tissue without permission was like...'eurgh...u!!!'...thing. But u know what..they're still cool to me. Maybe I don't have such luck as my other friend who got to go out on an unofficial date with someone she liked secretly. But unfortunately, he totally forgot about her later...then hey me? I used to have friends whom I had gone out casually also but once they got a girlfriend, it's like they totally forgot that I had to help them along the way, while they are nursing their 'what should I do?'..'do you still think she will still like me?'...doubts. Once it's like 'bullseye!'....I'm no longer in the picture...they no longer called me...no longer messaged me..and when I tot that narh..maybe it's me who didn't, I proved myself wrong. I tried to keep in touch with them..but they ignored me totally..like I never existed. Like I never ever helped them or listened to their constant whinings over the gals they liked and how hard it was to confess their love.
Trust me...it isn't easy to hear guys whining and whining...like some sick puppy on where they would go to for their date..what music they will play for their gal..and yadah yadah....I'm like..'oh..okay..that's a nice song..so when are u going to ask her out?' And they'd be like "I dunno...sighz...she still can't get over her ex'..and naturally, I'd be like..'uhm......u never tried asking them out..u know casually lah..for a movie or something?' And they'd say 'I dunno...but I think she's not the one lah..but...I dunno..I still like her..' ARGGHH!!!!!!!! I had this urge to say to them..'DUDE! WAKE UP!' but I felt like I never had the pridviledge to get to talk to guys, so as draggy as the conversation can be..almost everytime, I had to endure. Did i even mention to you that they rarely asked about my well being..how my day was....I had to always be cut off by them. But sweet ol' rahayu was never the one who'd say 'OI! I am talking here!..'
I tell ya it has not been such a major issue to me in regards to this...'why am I so unlucky in love' thing. Sure, I'll think about it but never has it overpowered me. Until of coz..I had to watch some movie that I got in touch with my soul and brought up that image of the guy from some place..coz it was the last guy I got to know..although over official issues. I never fancied him...really..just tot that he is cute the more I meet him on different days. Plus, knowing how sweet he was in remembering my bdae in which we onlie like met for 5 minutes the last meeting when he found my bdae was coming.
For a fact, I am not desperate and I'm super glad that right now, eversince I stopped watching that movie over and over again, I'm back to being on the ground level. But it hasn't come to a full circle yet...still, I do learn a thing or two over that 'romantic' period of my life thang..u know how I am more in touch with my feminine side instead of moving along the hours in a monotonous manner. I neglected taking care of my nails and skin..but now, I appreciate my looks better now. I am also thinking on how I can try to dress better...improve on my personality..and so forth. But now..I am doing it for the right reason..not for the wrong reason. I am doing it for myself..not for the next guy I would attract.
Oh yeah...and over how normal I am. I tot I hardly have feelings for anyone yet..at least for someone who is a non-celebrity and as common as I am, a Singaporean and not some Australian or American dudes I saw over at Orchard Road..haha...but still, they're gorgeous. Thank goodness I still lurveeeeee guys...flirting with them on a friendly basis...haha.....even though they have girlfriends in the form of ..ahem...my friends. Hey, u girls got the best guys! They STILL are not attracted to me...sighz...hahahhaaaha..Oh, and not all yuppy Singaporean guys are stuck up...or have eyes for pretty slim girls with porcelain skin and wearing super nice clothes only. Yeah, I very much learnt that...I've seen girls who are around my size or even bigger...have guys who look like they'll date a model anytime...showing much love to them. I don't aim for these guys lah...or want to have a boyfriend like them. I just feel that S'pore guys can be so sweet at times. Just look at AzamtheHunk too!
I don't know if the guy I met at the particular Singpost was being nice and friendly to us as part of work only. But he was oozing with sincerity on wanting to help me and my friend..and especially me when I felt dejected that I wasted my time there..onlie to be told I am a few weeks shy of the official age. The next meeting, he was still sincere in helping us that it was almost like he knew us before this already...and that he was doing us a favour as a friend and talking to us like one too. He was also sincere in showing his concern right up to the very short brief last meeting. Guess that was why I got a minor crush on this kind young yuppy..wooh! Plus he's cute too...love ya hair!
You know what...I have slapped myself repeatedly...in my mind lah..hehe...to do myself a favour that Rahayu IS not love sick. Just that...I lost myself in this dreamy world of romance as I am fighting to accept the cruelty life has been playing on me. Already I had my single hope crushed...and I so wanted to change my life for the better..alas, that opportunity has been snatched away from me. I am in a dilemma when I think about other friends of mine who are promised of a better future..once they complete their studies or about to complete..where else mine? I don't even know what is to become of my future. And just as I appreciated them coming for my birthday treat, I didn't expect that I would continue to get things that I wouldn't use or be able to use. Yes, I still appreciate their gifts to me...though not one seemed to be so 'rahayu' unlike the ones that they used to get for their birthdaes. I felt like hey...I guess they still don't know me well enough? The so called many gifts that I got...were mostly used or stuffs that they didn't want anymore except for the dress and skirt..which I'd never wear.
I know I like to get things that are no longer useful to them.. but are to me. Just that..I don't expect to get them on my birthday. Still...I appreciate them..really...now they're somewhere in my room or the wardrobe. The last time I saw these 'gifts' was on the nite I put them away for keeps and perhaps, the onlie thing I found useful was the slightly used lancome perfume. But u know...some gifts are better than no gifts, whether used or not...useful to me or not..As for the 'used items' or knick knacks that I got which they never used..the one thing I am glad is that at least, they know Rahayu likes give-aways..haha...Erm, I guess that is one of the reasons why I didn't write about what happened on my birthday on the last celebration.
I was just clueless as to what to write..I didn't wanna appear as being 'unappreciative' or what...I just didn't know what was really there to say. That I was a little bit disappointed? Or how I felt that this gathering wasn't intended for my birthday..rather like how it was more about meeting their good ol' pals again..which brought about remarks that sounded like they shouldn't be there...if they knew this person or that person wasn't coming. I didn't think that I should tell other people who wasn't coming....coz I tot that u know...this gathering was intended for my bithday...not some annual gathering I organized for the sake of 'get together'..so the information was basically for me.
But still, thanks for the brownie cake with ice cream although I had eaten two bites onlie...but u know what...as long as my friends are happy, I am too. Anyway, it's over...well, the fotos are still with me. SOrry if I didn't send over to u all..as I didn't feel like sending to anybody. It didn't feel like a celebration to me. I felt as if I disappointed u all coz I didn't manage to successfully invite those whom u wanted to meet more than anyone else. Sorry...
Okay..guess that's about cleared up. So, yeah...basically i'm back to my old self.
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