Okay, so I have been writing rather frequently nowadays coz I have no place to turn to and complain about how my life has been on the downward spiral recently. However, I have done a lot of self discoveries that somehow I feel a lot more 'humblefied'..if there's such a word. I did mention about how now I don't take the lazy way out of doing things, including taking multiple public transport when I can just take one damn bus. All because I didn't want to walk for the five pathetic minutes. Yes, Rahayu is self pampered. Or WAS self pampered. I know all these are God's own doing to make me wake up to reality and stop being so freaking lazy. I try to rise to the challenge and like what I said, I do learn a lot of things. There was one point in time where I didn't believe God existed and I was going through a very rough patch in life back in pre school. I think all the rock or metal music had drilled some negativities in my head that I didn't believe in anyone..not even God's existence. I thought that He was just a figment of people's imagination that people conjure up just to push themselves forward or to blame when things didn't turn out as expected.
I guessed coz I also felt that I was not 'wanted' by the society..the school....the people....so much so I lived by my own rules in my own world. However, come to think of it, it wasn't such a great world. I wanted so much to be accepted into the normal world but I just didn't know how. As much as I expected, I lost control of myself but very soon after that, my eyes opened a bit and having given a second chance, I truly embraced it and my life was turned around.
Sometimes, we have become so complacent in our life that we think everything will be smooth sailing. But that's not true. If it is, I will be accepted by any model agency if I apply for it. But whatever rough times that we go through, don't take it like we're the biggest failures of all times. I might be a bit upset initially that I was not what I used to be like eat what I want or buy what I want but if my life is all about wants, what kind of life am I leading? So now I have to make a longer decision when it comes to spending or the food that I eat. Sometimes, I am so strict with myself because I don't want to compromise my family for it that I forget what is my own personal happiness. I mean, true...seeing my family being able to eat bread for breakfast in the morning because I didn't choose to buy something unnecessarily may give me a sense of satisfaction that I am spending my money right. But once in awhile, I have to 'relax' a bit and it's okay to buy that chicken rice it is going to make me fuller and stop thinking about wanting to eat that rice for the last two months.
I do know that God is always watching us that during our test period with Him, if we manage to learn a thing or two or even making personal sacrifices for the better, He will reward us in some ways. Right after I am being attached to this clinic, even though I have time to myself, it is a very lonely affair everyday. Nobody asks me to go out for lunch since day one as if we are in two different worlds since I do come from under a different organization. While I am contented that I can use this opportunity to cut down on unnecessary spending on food and avoid eating unhealthy fare, it can be a very lonely lunch time. I am actually okay with eating alone but then, the problem is when I am alone, I don't usually eat. However, it has been more than a month since I craved for the fried chicken rice at the malay stall nearby. It's like Im stuck in between..if I eat, I am giving myself something that is unhealthy and the money is best used on the family instead. But if I don't eat it, yup..I'll keep thinking about it. Yes I know I don't eat like the usual lunch crowd people even if the food is super damn cheap like the ones near the market. I just can't bring myself to have a proper lunch.
However, today is actually different. I had unexpected guests from the office and Im pretty okay with them. Even though they are of higher posts than me, they are pretty down to earth. They just want to take a look at how things work over here. I was hoping that they would leave before lunch so I don't have to eat lunch actually and spend my money unnecessarily. I had already made a plan to go to the library again and then borrow a self help book to give me some direction in life. But their presence changed things a bit. Lucky there was only one patient but they were not there to totally observe my work but just to go on a little field trip since next year, they would be leaders of a new cluster group. Then yup..they planned to go for lunch and they asked me along and actually, I didn't expect to be excited for it.
So they asked me whereabouts do I go to have my lunch but I just said that I uhm..don't eat lunch. Of course they were like how come I don't and if I go out for lunch with these people. I said no..they never invited me but yah I do eat sometimes but very light like just some soya bean milk and I spend my time walking around or to the library. Anyway, my point is that I guess coz I have been thinking of wanting to eat the chicken rice for so long that God may have just given me this opportunity to do so after delaying for so long. I was worried I wouldn't have enough money but I found two bucks and some coins which is enough to pay as this morning, I had this brainwave to bring more coins to work. Still I guess God just was so sick and tired of my single thought of wanting to eat that He may be thinking..'Nah! I give u company to eat with and you better go and eat ur fried chicken rice'..hehe..like it is His way of saying that since the only way for Rahayu to eat a proper lunch or dinner is when she is with someone, then I shall give her company from work.
He's clever, isn't it? I enjoyed the chicken rice and even though under normal circumstances, I would feel utterly guilty for eating such food, somehow I was rather surreal. I never felt full for the longest time during lunch so much so that I didn't feel that the need to eat anymore. So tomorrow onwards, I will be back to my usual routine but I want to thank God for giving me the opportunity to eat that fried chicken rice and to not make me feel bad about it..hehe..life's smallest but greatest reward.
I guessed coz I also felt that I was not 'wanted' by the society..the school....the people....so much so I lived by my own rules in my own world. However, come to think of it, it wasn't such a great world. I wanted so much to be accepted into the normal world but I just didn't know how. As much as I expected, I lost control of myself but very soon after that, my eyes opened a bit and having given a second chance, I truly embraced it and my life was turned around.
Sometimes, we have become so complacent in our life that we think everything will be smooth sailing. But that's not true. If it is, I will be accepted by any model agency if I apply for it. But whatever rough times that we go through, don't take it like we're the biggest failures of all times. I might be a bit upset initially that I was not what I used to be like eat what I want or buy what I want but if my life is all about wants, what kind of life am I leading? So now I have to make a longer decision when it comes to spending or the food that I eat. Sometimes, I am so strict with myself because I don't want to compromise my family for it that I forget what is my own personal happiness. I mean, true...seeing my family being able to eat bread for breakfast in the morning because I didn't choose to buy something unnecessarily may give me a sense of satisfaction that I am spending my money right. But once in awhile, I have to 'relax' a bit and it's okay to buy that chicken rice it is going to make me fuller and stop thinking about wanting to eat that rice for the last two months.
I do know that God is always watching us that during our test period with Him, if we manage to learn a thing or two or even making personal sacrifices for the better, He will reward us in some ways. Right after I am being attached to this clinic, even though I have time to myself, it is a very lonely affair everyday. Nobody asks me to go out for lunch since day one as if we are in two different worlds since I do come from under a different organization. While I am contented that I can use this opportunity to cut down on unnecessary spending on food and avoid eating unhealthy fare, it can be a very lonely lunch time. I am actually okay with eating alone but then, the problem is when I am alone, I don't usually eat. However, it has been more than a month since I craved for the fried chicken rice at the malay stall nearby. It's like Im stuck in between..if I eat, I am giving myself something that is unhealthy and the money is best used on the family instead. But if I don't eat it, yup..I'll keep thinking about it. Yes I know I don't eat like the usual lunch crowd people even if the food is super damn cheap like the ones near the market. I just can't bring myself to have a proper lunch.
However, today is actually different. I had unexpected guests from the office and Im pretty okay with them. Even though they are of higher posts than me, they are pretty down to earth. They just want to take a look at how things work over here. I was hoping that they would leave before lunch so I don't have to eat lunch actually and spend my money unnecessarily. I had already made a plan to go to the library again and then borrow a self help book to give me some direction in life. But their presence changed things a bit. Lucky there was only one patient but they were not there to totally observe my work but just to go on a little field trip since next year, they would be leaders of a new cluster group. Then yup..they planned to go for lunch and they asked me along and actually, I didn't expect to be excited for it.
So they asked me whereabouts do I go to have my lunch but I just said that I uhm..don't eat lunch. Of course they were like how come I don't and if I go out for lunch with these people. I said no..they never invited me but yah I do eat sometimes but very light like just some soya bean milk and I spend my time walking around or to the library. Anyway, my point is that I guess coz I have been thinking of wanting to eat the chicken rice for so long that God may have just given me this opportunity to do so after delaying for so long. I was worried I wouldn't have enough money but I found two bucks and some coins which is enough to pay as this morning, I had this brainwave to bring more coins to work. Still I guess God just was so sick and tired of my single thought of wanting to eat that He may be thinking..'Nah! I give u company to eat with and you better go and eat ur fried chicken rice'..hehe..like it is His way of saying that since the only way for Rahayu to eat a proper lunch or dinner is when she is with someone, then I shall give her company from work.
He's clever, isn't it? I enjoyed the chicken rice and even though under normal circumstances, I would feel utterly guilty for eating such food, somehow I was rather surreal. I never felt full for the longest time during lunch so much so that I didn't feel that the need to eat anymore. So tomorrow onwards, I will be back to my usual routine but I want to thank God for giving me the opportunity to eat that fried chicken rice and to not make me feel bad about it..hehe..life's smallest but greatest reward.
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