Shame on Me
I am in pain...and it's not the pain of having clogged up nose, or the pain of having a drill-like headache, or the pain of being single (okay, there is no pain in that actually..)..but Im having some annoying sharp like pain on my chest. And not to scare you that Im having a mild symptom of heart attack at such a young fragile age, I think it's just the bone on the left side of my chest. Yesterday night, it got so bad that I could hardly lift myself off the mattress after taking a quick nap about 9 something. I think the only way that I could get up is when someone rolls me over and carries me up. And that post is only to be filled up by a caucasian hunk.
Okay I know this is no laughing matter and my health is at stake here since..uhm...this isn't the first time. I got this long history of phobia with seeing the doctor like I have this big problem with them because a) their medicine tastes awful and b) I always have this nagging feeling that they're not convinced that Im sick (er...docophobia?!). If it was my heart, then okay worth seeing the doctor but I think it's just that I strained myself when I was stifling a laugh when my colleague cracked a joke and I had to recompose myself before I unhold the call with a parent..who apparently asked some ridiculous questions. Then it hit me on my chest coz after that there was this sharp annoying pain...which unfortunately, is still lingering as I type this entry out.
So not to freak u people out but it's just a strain on my breastbone which I think you can safely boil down to work stress of trying to cope with new job responsibilities. But of course, my mum as usual blame it on my strange eating habits...and no, it do not include eating like pigeons...and my latest food faze? Eating oatmeal for lunch for three consecutive days to get rid of food related guilt. But in her words, eating food from tin like oats and tuna..for..er..three consecutive days. She was like...'Can you eat properly? Stop thinking of budgeting your money. Already the food at the canteen is so cheap, you can buy but you dont want to buy. You're always eating food from the tin!'
Now if you think Im going to discard my tin of oats away..you're wrong. I know Im envious of those people who are slim and are beautiful and that Im not that body confident. But I dont want to suffer to be like them though I am so inclined to do so. It's just that I think I may have slightly overdone it. My original plan was to have this sorta mix..like on alternate days, I eat oatmeal such as Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays. But because of some crazy food spree since Thursday, I put myself on a wholemeal diet for three consecutive days.
So, like what I tell myself many times whenever it comes to decision making and that is to stick with the original plan. I know there is such a thing called plan b because not all plans will work accordingly as planned. But the thing is that, my plans usually are well thought out at first and then at a spur of the moment, I decided that it would be better this way or that way and I would be so inclined to change it though it may not necessarily for the better. And then this is when I tell myself to 'stick with the original plan'. Let's just say I am easily influenced so at times, I need to be tough with myself.
Unfortunately, I didnt tell myself to stick with it and so right now, I am suffering a little. Okay a lot if you want to be nasty with me. Im not trying to restrict myself so much but if my body is telling me that Im putting unnecessary pressure on myself, then I should listen to it. When I had a headache last Monday, I thought okay I shall eat the next day and then alternate it with a wholemeal lunch but of course, I put it down to my body 'adjusting' to a rude awakening of non sinful food.
But it also speaks of another eating habit of mine which is to eat a lot for, say...three consecutive days, and then restrict myself for another three days to get rid of the guilt.
So the moral of the story is.....know how to balance. It's okay to be health conscious and it's okay to enjoy once in awhile but there should be some sort of balance. I can break my healthy vow but dont overdo it until a stretch of three days and then restrict myself totally for another three. It gives my body the unnecessary shock treatment.
While I hang my head down in shame, let this be a lesson to me. Do not suffer for the sake of vanity. It's not worth it. I can still try to aim to lose 10kg but the only way to do that, is to do it the right way. And because of what I had done to myself, I was unable to go to the gym as planned today coz of the chest pains. Well, at the very least, I didnt push myself to go exercise when my body is not well coz after some painful lesson back then in the past. At that time, I clearly could not exercise coz I had very bad stomach cramps due to too much acid in my stomach (it's sensitive to vinegar loaded food like chili sauce) but I still went ahead. As a result, I doubled over in pain in the train from the start of my journey till the end and my face was as white as an A4 sized paper.
So yes, bitch what you want about me. I gladly take your criticism coz I needed some tongue lashing to wake me up anyway....
Okay I know this is no laughing matter and my health is at stake here since..uhm...this isn't the first time. I got this long history of phobia with seeing the doctor like I have this big problem with them because a) their medicine tastes awful and b) I always have this nagging feeling that they're not convinced that Im sick (er...docophobia?!). If it was my heart, then okay worth seeing the doctor but I think it's just that I strained myself when I was stifling a laugh when my colleague cracked a joke and I had to recompose myself before I unhold the call with a parent..who apparently asked some ridiculous questions. Then it hit me on my chest coz after that there was this sharp annoying pain...which unfortunately, is still lingering as I type this entry out.
So not to freak u people out but it's just a strain on my breastbone which I think you can safely boil down to work stress of trying to cope with new job responsibilities. But of course, my mum as usual blame it on my strange eating habits...and no, it do not include eating like pigeons...and my latest food faze? Eating oatmeal for lunch for three consecutive days to get rid of food related guilt. But in her words, eating food from tin like oats and tuna..for..er..three consecutive days. She was like...'Can you eat properly? Stop thinking of budgeting your money. Already the food at the canteen is so cheap, you can buy but you dont want to buy. You're always eating food from the tin!'
Now if you think Im going to discard my tin of oats away..you're wrong. I know Im envious of those people who are slim and are beautiful and that Im not that body confident. But I dont want to suffer to be like them though I am so inclined to do so. It's just that I think I may have slightly overdone it. My original plan was to have this sorta mix..like on alternate days, I eat oatmeal such as Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays. But because of some crazy food spree since Thursday, I put myself on a wholemeal diet for three consecutive days.
So, like what I tell myself many times whenever it comes to decision making and that is to stick with the original plan. I know there is such a thing called plan b because not all plans will work accordingly as planned. But the thing is that, my plans usually are well thought out at first and then at a spur of the moment, I decided that it would be better this way or that way and I would be so inclined to change it though it may not necessarily for the better. And then this is when I tell myself to 'stick with the original plan'. Let's just say I am easily influenced so at times, I need to be tough with myself.
Unfortunately, I didnt tell myself to stick with it and so right now, I am suffering a little. Okay a lot if you want to be nasty with me. Im not trying to restrict myself so much but if my body is telling me that Im putting unnecessary pressure on myself, then I should listen to it. When I had a headache last Monday, I thought okay I shall eat the next day and then alternate it with a wholemeal lunch but of course, I put it down to my body 'adjusting' to a rude awakening of non sinful food.
But it also speaks of another eating habit of mine which is to eat a lot for, say...three consecutive days, and then restrict myself for another three days to get rid of the guilt.
So the moral of the story is.....know how to balance. It's okay to be health conscious and it's okay to enjoy once in awhile but there should be some sort of balance. I can break my healthy vow but dont overdo it until a stretch of three days and then restrict myself totally for another three. It gives my body the unnecessary shock treatment.
While I hang my head down in shame, let this be a lesson to me. Do not suffer for the sake of vanity. It's not worth it. I can still try to aim to lose 10kg but the only way to do that, is to do it the right way. And because of what I had done to myself, I was unable to go to the gym as planned today coz of the chest pains. Well, at the very least, I didnt push myself to go exercise when my body is not well coz after some painful lesson back then in the past. At that time, I clearly could not exercise coz I had very bad stomach cramps due to too much acid in my stomach (it's sensitive to vinegar loaded food like chili sauce) but I still went ahead. As a result, I doubled over in pain in the train from the start of my journey till the end and my face was as white as an A4 sized paper.
So yes, bitch what you want about me. I gladly take your criticism coz I needed some tongue lashing to wake me up anyway....
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