Tuesday, May 13, 2008

Paper Chasing Toxic Friend

I seem to be putting off blogging for awhile, eh? Well, first..no thanks to my brother who found the freedom to spend longer hours on the net right after finishing his exams..(hrmph)...and secondly, I was quite caught up with watching this indie film called Shelter which caught the attention of some movie reviewers as it was being circulated via small screenings in certain small states of US.

You do know for a fact that I watch ANYTHING with cute guys in them even if Im turning my nose up or facing my head away...or even cringe in utter 'disgust' at how lame and crap worthy some shows are. But! I have to make an exception for this one not coz of the leads but because of the storyline as it somewhat is a wee bit reflective of my own personal life. Well, it's about facing up to your family's commitments because you're the only one they can depend on and holding off your desire to pursue your own interests. While I wont say that I am as talented as the guy who is clearly artistic but has to turn down an arts scholarship, much to his dismay, to help his no-good-for-nothing elder sister look after his five year old nephew, I guess i can relate to him. For myself, I wish I dont have such a heavy responsibility towards my family which can get on their nerves sometimes due to my very strict budgeting rules on them (my brother calls me a budget freak) and also at the same time, I do wish I can pursue further studies.

Even though I initially had the capital money at the beginning of the year to do the latter and even had an education institution in mind and the course to study, in the end, family commitment gives way coz I think the money is better spent on them than just myself. Of course it was not easy answering to other people as to when I am going to pursue my studies..blah blah blah..that I am so farking sick and tired of it like it is the easiest thing to do.

Yes yes...rahayu knows that it's good for her future. But you see, at the end of the day, are they going to help me look after my family? No, they're not. Can 'paper qualifications' bring me an even bigger rice bowl? It may do so in the past but for now, with so many people pursuing further education and armed with a new piece of paper, there is a long queue for people to get the jobs that they want. There is such a huge concentration of it that seriously, employers nowadays are choosy even if you have the paper qualifications for it that you think you can get by it so easily. So what bigger rice bowl?!

At the end of the day, we may still end up with shitty jobs.

I dont really care if people start thinking that I have such a laidback approach to life where I just take what is presented on the plate. Believe me, even if I am, it's not coz I didnt try to change. I did. But there is a place and time for everything so if things dont happen now or dont happen at all, there is a reason behind it although at times, it can be hard to fathom.

Plus, I dont want to end up wasting my time and money away on a course that wont get me anywhere either because I find out later that it is not recognised or I have no interest in it. And there is no age limit in wanting to further your studies or upgrade yourselves in terms of new skills and knowledge. I believe if this is not the time, there will be a time in the future and it does not matter even if I will eventually be in my thirties when I finally pursue my studies. I dont really see any hurry in it and for now, Im just trying my best to cope with my increasing workload in the office.

A friend (?) of mine has been 'accusing' my family of holding me back and saying that I am babysitting my brother. I know she's very rigid in her mindset where money is the single most important factor in life and to get that, you must have the right paper qualifications.

She annoys me to a great extent but Im always nice enough to 'thank' her for caring though of course, I dont appreciate her dissing my family. Like why I have to resort to teaching my brother his homework or give him random assignments to do and then during exam period, focus more attention on him (in between surfing the internet) is simply because I cannot afford to pay for exorbitant tuition fees that are now mostly provided by graduate tutors moonlighting while waiting for a big job offer. Im not the traditional sort of parent tutor who sits beside the boy and oversees his homework. Infact, my brother hates me sitting beside him and neither do I like to sit beside him as well. Plus, he thinks me teaching him certain Maths questions, is like giving him a boring lecture though I dont really associate me screaming at him for not getting certain parts of the questions right or when he's not paying attention...as part of a conventional lecture.

She also thinks my parents are in the wrong because they are not working. But who am I to go scold them to find a job and work?

Look. I've said it before and I will say it again that I know she means well. Unfortunately, her mind is so technical that other reasons get thrown out so easily if they seem to hinder or go against her logic.

I also dont appreciate it when she goes all 'you dont care about me' routine and 'you are just like so and so'...referring to an ex friend of ours. For one thing, I dont see her making the first move as well and when she does try to conjure up a meeting, to her, it felt like oh, she's always the one organizing which in fact she does not ah.

If I reply to her late in even less than two minutes when chatting, she starts 'scolding' and begin this 'oh you're too bz to even reply' while I dont balk when she does not reply until..an hour later. It's like she's being given permission to be busy because she genuinely is while im happily shaking legs somewhere and pretending to be busy.

Oh wtf.

Im so...............over...................this........................already........................

that Im like..oh chop chop..give her time and date....meet..let her talk her crap...go home...in victory and not anticipate another meeting until she starts making noise again whenever she's done being busy and suddenly figures out Im still alive and kicking.


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