Taste of Freedom
Oh wow.....I just enjoyed true soap opera moments...the formation of a new relationship and the ending of a long term relationship...but all totally related. Theres a good balance of emotions but of course, I tend to lean on more towards the more awwww...struck moments that makes my heart melt..sighzzzzzz.................
Can you just imagine going through roller coaster moments where you are almost losing the will to live after being struck with a medical condition with the possibility that you will never recover and then someone gives you a ray of hope to at least try? WOw....
YOu know when I see good looking guys..uhm..ang moh or caucasian guys in general..the sort that make your heart a-flutter (at least mine does)...and then with that hope of hooking up with one dashed the next instance. Now why is that so? Ok Im not gonna preach about my lack of financial ability that does not allow me to sustain a relationship..as..relationship=forking out a lot of money...but rather, what is it that I really want in a relationship.
I am more less quite open minded where my viewpoints are not limited to common society's way of thinking. I dont look like the sort who is like that but really, I can be open minded which to me is good coz it helps me to get to know people better and then seeing them in a different light...such as the better side of them. But of course, it can be rather misleading if I ever say that I am open to different ideas, ways of thinking and etc..as they may expect me to behave as such. To me, that is a totally different concept where doesnt mean I think your way of life is fine that I should be leading the same way too. Know what I mean?
So it's like...for myself, my life is pretty closeted and even being in my mid twenties, it doesnt make any difference. I feel like im leading a life of someone in my late teens (good excuse to be forever18..but thats another story) where your freedom is pretty limited. Unfortunately, I still do not have that sort of freedom which rightfully should be what I must have attained a long time ago. What do I get instead? More gawd damn responsibilities which irk me every single freaking day.
Sometimes I really dont know what God has in store for me..like is He playing some mind games with me and what have I done back during my childhood to be condemned in a way I have problems tasting freedom for the longest time ever? I wouldnt call it a passing phase coz I seriously dont know for how long will I be able to keep this up. I cant just put an 'ok' stamp straight away if someone asks me out and then come home whatever time I please. I have been a good girl all my life..except the ocassional answering back to my mum moments....and I dont stray too far away until i lost all my senses.
Im really not asking much and I dont even wish to have a relationship with an ang moh guy if I put that idea in your head earlier on about my hopes being dashed..yadah yadah..It's really not that. It's just that im so sick...and so tired...thinking about how sorry my life is...that I dont know..the whole day today, I felt that Im just so emotionally drained out. I feel so numb with not even a speck of worry over how cash strapped I am which is odd. I dont know if that is God's way of asking me to take a breather for awhile and not think so much about my current life's situation. Trust me, Im not against him for making my life like this even though I do question a bit like what does He want from me sort of thing. But I kinda think that maybe.....just maybe...things will get a bit better for me this week so I guess He kinda switched off my 'worry' trigger.
Then again, it could be wishful thinking on my part.
I have been trying to put up some efforts to make things a bit better but only time will tell if they are worth it. However, time is definitely ticking and anytime I will just plunge into the deep end of depression but for now, well at least today....I didnt get so worried which is like a huge question mark.
SO there..it's not just the case of wanting to have a relationship ang mohs or any good looking guys. To me, in general....it's just not a good time to form a relationship with anybody for that matter. Maybe friendships but that can be risky too coz it doesnt make a difference to me for as long as my freedom is limited and im still bogged down by my personal problems.
However, that doesnt mean I cannot dream...on...that is.
On a lighter note, just now, I took a bus and it was almost filled by people working in the city areas as the bus will pass by the central business district areas. There was one guy standing near the doorway coz I think he was going to get down soon and I just went in and stood behind him. He's a typical good looking chinese but he kinda turned behind like twice to see who was standing behind him.
Okay now dont get me wrong..it's not coz he's struck by my beauty or what..which is a high possibility..yah, in my dreams. I guess coz he's pretty tall like 1.7 plus or something and there I am standing at almost the same height as him..heh..didnt help that the women who were standing in the bus as well happened to be the small frame petite sort. Well, I was wearing a pair of heels today compared to my usual pair of sandals and my heels were not sky high but just 2cm high which was enough to boost my height to almost his..haha..
Sometimes I forget that Im quite tall for my height coz I often have this lazy slouch thing going on. then, my stupid mind trailed on to thinking like if this guy was my boyfriend, he will have to look at me straight in the eyes being about the same size and height as him and not being able to look down and see how 'small and fragile' I am that he feels all heroic like scooping me off and cradle me in his arms or something.
Trust me, my imaginations in the morning tend to run wild.
OH boy, another dready day coming up..who am I kidding..it has already started! drats........
Can you just imagine going through roller coaster moments where you are almost losing the will to live after being struck with a medical condition with the possibility that you will never recover and then someone gives you a ray of hope to at least try? WOw....
YOu know when I see good looking guys..uhm..ang moh or caucasian guys in general..the sort that make your heart a-flutter (at least mine does)...and then with that hope of hooking up with one dashed the next instance. Now why is that so? Ok Im not gonna preach about my lack of financial ability that does not allow me to sustain a relationship..as..relationship=forking out a lot of money...but rather, what is it that I really want in a relationship.
I am more less quite open minded where my viewpoints are not limited to common society's way of thinking. I dont look like the sort who is like that but really, I can be open minded which to me is good coz it helps me to get to know people better and then seeing them in a different light...such as the better side of them. But of course, it can be rather misleading if I ever say that I am open to different ideas, ways of thinking and etc..as they may expect me to behave as such. To me, that is a totally different concept where doesnt mean I think your way of life is fine that I should be leading the same way too. Know what I mean?
So it's like...for myself, my life is pretty closeted and even being in my mid twenties, it doesnt make any difference. I feel like im leading a life of someone in my late teens (good excuse to be forever18..but thats another story) where your freedom is pretty limited. Unfortunately, I still do not have that sort of freedom which rightfully should be what I must have attained a long time ago. What do I get instead? More gawd damn responsibilities which irk me every single freaking day.
Sometimes I really dont know what God has in store for me..like is He playing some mind games with me and what have I done back during my childhood to be condemned in a way I have problems tasting freedom for the longest time ever? I wouldnt call it a passing phase coz I seriously dont know for how long will I be able to keep this up. I cant just put an 'ok' stamp straight away if someone asks me out and then come home whatever time I please. I have been a good girl all my life..except the ocassional answering back to my mum moments....and I dont stray too far away until i lost all my senses.
Im really not asking much and I dont even wish to have a relationship with an ang moh guy if I put that idea in your head earlier on about my hopes being dashed..yadah yadah..It's really not that. It's just that im so sick...and so tired...thinking about how sorry my life is...that I dont know..the whole day today, I felt that Im just so emotionally drained out. I feel so numb with not even a speck of worry over how cash strapped I am which is odd. I dont know if that is God's way of asking me to take a breather for awhile and not think so much about my current life's situation. Trust me, Im not against him for making my life like this even though I do question a bit like what does He want from me sort of thing. But I kinda think that maybe.....just maybe...things will get a bit better for me this week so I guess He kinda switched off my 'worry' trigger.
Then again, it could be wishful thinking on my part.
I have been trying to put up some efforts to make things a bit better but only time will tell if they are worth it. However, time is definitely ticking and anytime I will just plunge into the deep end of depression but for now, well at least today....I didnt get so worried which is like a huge question mark.
SO there..it's not just the case of wanting to have a relationship ang mohs or any good looking guys. To me, in general....it's just not a good time to form a relationship with anybody for that matter. Maybe friendships but that can be risky too coz it doesnt make a difference to me for as long as my freedom is limited and im still bogged down by my personal problems.
However, that doesnt mean I cannot dream...on...that is.
On a lighter note, just now, I took a bus and it was almost filled by people working in the city areas as the bus will pass by the central business district areas. There was one guy standing near the doorway coz I think he was going to get down soon and I just went in and stood behind him. He's a typical good looking chinese but he kinda turned behind like twice to see who was standing behind him.
Okay now dont get me wrong..it's not coz he's struck by my beauty or what..which is a high possibility..yah, in my dreams. I guess coz he's pretty tall like 1.7 plus or something and there I am standing at almost the same height as him..heh..didnt help that the women who were standing in the bus as well happened to be the small frame petite sort. Well, I was wearing a pair of heels today compared to my usual pair of sandals and my heels were not sky high but just 2cm high which was enough to boost my height to almost his..haha..
Sometimes I forget that Im quite tall for my height coz I often have this lazy slouch thing going on. then, my stupid mind trailed on to thinking like if this guy was my boyfriend, he will have to look at me straight in the eyes being about the same size and height as him and not being able to look down and see how 'small and fragile' I am that he feels all heroic like scooping me off and cradle me in his arms or something.
Trust me, my imaginations in the morning tend to run wild.
OH boy, another dready day coming up..who am I kidding..it has already started! drats........
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