Sheer Desperation
I did something just now which I was not proud of but it was done out of sheer desperation. I had no other choice and my plan A was not exactly working and it frustrated the hell out of me. This is not a good month and I have said it before that I sorta anticipated this to happen but I am not aware of how bad it can be. Im still holding on to faith...that this tough period will be over but how soon? I am just not sure of it and I am too scared to think about it too.
I am serious when I said that I hate plan B although so far the worst is so called over and would you believe I have a plan C?!! How bad do you think my situation is?!
Sorry if Im talking in some sort of secret code or something. I am sparing you the details and let you in on a generalistic view on how miserable my life is now. Sometimes I feel like blaming my dad for not working and putting me in this miserable situation. At least the last time I am penniless, it is only for myself and not my family as he supports my mum and brother. When I see people way older than him still working, I wish my dad is working too. But it will be selfish or mean for me to think like that about him because he's not as healthy as he used to be. However, when I think back, he isn't healthy back then as well because he has been on medication for diabetes and he was still working back then too. My mum keep on complaining every single day about him and seeing him like some piece of useless junk. She always say that this is not the reason she gets married and she does not expect to be married to such a man who is lazy and who does not bother about how his family is struggling on a single income.
The other time she lashed out at him because she could not stand me in misery because if I am in that misery mode of mine, I tend to not think clearly and do things like spilling things easily as my mind is too preoccupied. I was very upset about it as I did not want him to know hard it is for me now and that I have used up the family savings just to help substantiate my miserable pay for my mother's sometimes overly demanding requests. I cant say no to her easily as she has this twisted way of making things worse off by putting the guilt on me.
I am also upset because my mum was also trying to put the blame on me by saying my careless spending has put them in their tight spot and that I only think about myself. I never think about the family and only think about now rather than what they are going to eat few days later.
I NEVER THINK ABOUT THE FAMILY?!!!!
DO YOU KNOW HOW HURT I WAS?!!!!!!
She said I bought bags and shoes with the money...wasting precious dollars...instead of using it for the family. That was like three months ago since i last spent the f**king money on myself and oh, suddenly it is my fault now that the family savings are depleting?!
YOu know what...whatever. She kinda regrets saying that to me after seeing the trouble I took last weekend trying to do things within my capabilities to keep the family going and doing some self sacrifice just so that there is food to eat.
I wish I can escape out of this misery coz Im turning into a useless piece of junk myself too. I go back home and just sit down infront of my pc and watching video clip after video clip or surfing website after website. It's like a fixation for me now even though there are tonnes of other things that Im better off doing like maybe...read a book..scrapbooking....organize my room....but I am simply in no mood to do those stuffs. NO FREAKING MOOD.
I usually will sleep late but nowadays, I will turn in early and then waking up like 1 plus and then staying awake until 2 or 3 plus in the morning. What do I do during this time? Watch youtube ah. Sometimes I will watch soap opera snippets or american drama snippets and then be so engrossed in them till I forget about my problems for at least awhile. But one of my fav soap opera shows have been on hold and today will mark the first time Im missing the show for a bloody week!
Geez..no wonder Im feeling not a bit of misery..but a heck lot. Every problem that I have is like x10 coz I am not getting my daily dose of soap opera moments. Well, now Im kinda hooked a bit on the desperate housewives storylines particularly Bree Van De Camp's dysfunctional family and Susan Mayer's quirkiness and desperation to get along with the new neighbours. Not interested in the rest of the housewives though especially Gabriel's one. I just think she's a waste of time and only add some latino spice to attract general viewership from the male population for the sake of higher ratings.
Not surprising, she IS the most famous of the lot.
Well, time to hit the sack and continue with this miserable life of mine the next day.
I am serious when I said that I hate plan B although so far the worst is so called over and would you believe I have a plan C?!! How bad do you think my situation is?!
Sorry if Im talking in some sort of secret code or something. I am sparing you the details and let you in on a generalistic view on how miserable my life is now. Sometimes I feel like blaming my dad for not working and putting me in this miserable situation. At least the last time I am penniless, it is only for myself and not my family as he supports my mum and brother. When I see people way older than him still working, I wish my dad is working too. But it will be selfish or mean for me to think like that about him because he's not as healthy as he used to be. However, when I think back, he isn't healthy back then as well because he has been on medication for diabetes and he was still working back then too. My mum keep on complaining every single day about him and seeing him like some piece of useless junk. She always say that this is not the reason she gets married and she does not expect to be married to such a man who is lazy and who does not bother about how his family is struggling on a single income.
The other time she lashed out at him because she could not stand me in misery because if I am in that misery mode of mine, I tend to not think clearly and do things like spilling things easily as my mind is too preoccupied. I was very upset about it as I did not want him to know hard it is for me now and that I have used up the family savings just to help substantiate my miserable pay for my mother's sometimes overly demanding requests. I cant say no to her easily as she has this twisted way of making things worse off by putting the guilt on me.
I am also upset because my mum was also trying to put the blame on me by saying my careless spending has put them in their tight spot and that I only think about myself. I never think about the family and only think about now rather than what they are going to eat few days later.
I NEVER THINK ABOUT THE FAMILY?!!!!
DO YOU KNOW HOW HURT I WAS?!!!!!!
She said I bought bags and shoes with the money...wasting precious dollars...instead of using it for the family. That was like three months ago since i last spent the f**king money on myself and oh, suddenly it is my fault now that the family savings are depleting?!
YOu know what...whatever. She kinda regrets saying that to me after seeing the trouble I took last weekend trying to do things within my capabilities to keep the family going and doing some self sacrifice just so that there is food to eat.
I wish I can escape out of this misery coz Im turning into a useless piece of junk myself too. I go back home and just sit down infront of my pc and watching video clip after video clip or surfing website after website. It's like a fixation for me now even though there are tonnes of other things that Im better off doing like maybe...read a book..scrapbooking....organize my room....but I am simply in no mood to do those stuffs. NO FREAKING MOOD.
I usually will sleep late but nowadays, I will turn in early and then waking up like 1 plus and then staying awake until 2 or 3 plus in the morning. What do I do during this time? Watch youtube ah. Sometimes I will watch soap opera snippets or american drama snippets and then be so engrossed in them till I forget about my problems for at least awhile. But one of my fav soap opera shows have been on hold and today will mark the first time Im missing the show for a bloody week!
Geez..no wonder Im feeling not a bit of misery..but a heck lot. Every problem that I have is like x10 coz I am not getting my daily dose of soap opera moments. Well, now Im kinda hooked a bit on the desperate housewives storylines particularly Bree Van De Camp's dysfunctional family and Susan Mayer's quirkiness and desperation to get along with the new neighbours. Not interested in the rest of the housewives though especially Gabriel's one. I just think she's a waste of time and only add some latino spice to attract general viewership from the male population for the sake of higher ratings.
Not surprising, she IS the most famous of the lot.
Well, time to hit the sack and continue with this miserable life of mine the next day.
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