Trying and Learning
Hello...Im back in the world of blogging..before I start reconfiguring any damages to my system..haha..*touch wood*..I kinda lost myself a bit there turning myself a little into a mad scientist for awhile. It was either not good enough for me or that it can do better. But then again, it has been a good experience coz I got to know a lot of new things..technical jargons included..yawns..and I felt like I have reached yet another level of knowledge. Plus I discovered 'gems' too...gems that are usually known within forums and not quite publicised because they're not meant for profit making. And the best thing about such things are that not only are they free..they do work minus all the bundled shit..I mean..adwares and stuffs. At times they are created by the 'software geniuses'..heh..I like calling them that..who would make a prototype of those popular softwares but in a much simpler mode and which actually works better. They are not geniuses for nothing..and im glad they hang around in the forums (^^)..rahayu loves you all for solving most of my I.T. dilemma!
But then again..seriously have to go through pages and pages of guidelines and research or risk doing more than damage than good because different people have different ways and at times they may not work out so well. These may take days even especially if there are many other things along the way that can present as problems and have to be resolved first or understood first before moving on. Because of the amount of work I have to do including lots of trials and errors and road blocks to get what I want or to troubleshoot certain problems, it is not easy for me to release my knowledge as much as I may be itching to tell them where they may have gone wrong. But at times, they are just best kept to ourselves. For example, while it is widely known that an anti virus software or a firewall whether free or are paid for...help keep our system safe, I cant go around telling others that they can also be damaging too based on insiders' knowledge as well as personal experiences. Besides Im too young to be sued by these major companies.
Unfortunately, the damage is less likely suspected to have come from them coz of their 'protective' nature perceived by others. Because of this false notion, they can seriously tweak the gawd damn thing for their own benefits like secretly spying for instance and you dont even have a clue about it. I can go on more about this based on what I have read and experienced myself but you seriously would rather hear me sing than geek talk. Let's just say Im just not one of those who take things flat down based on hype or be easily duped by their sweet talk..Im more like those who would go..'pfft...yeah right...' However, this does not include people. So yes..Im still pretty much easily screwed around by others much to Mariah's dismay.
While other girls love to scour for reasonably priced fashion buys, I love scouring the internet for open source softwares for my own beneficial uses either for fun or for my mini I.T. project works. Okay, some of them are readily available through the markets but wats the point of buying them if they are gonna be the same things that you can get via the net for free. That's the whole 'shiok' factor..free and if you come across good softwares, may even personalise it to your fancy. Cant go wrong with that. At times I have to come up with my own methods just to get the bottom of it...but they're perfectly legal. Of course I dont want to be that silly to be jailed for something lame like as if i killed the last internet porn star or something.
So thats me...your average girl who at times go a little way off' with this hobby of hers including sacrificing sleeping hours. But not to worry, even though I still sleep bloody late, the thing is...I roughly know when is the time I need to go to bed and not push myself into sleeping as that will only mean more turning and tossing. To me, that's equivalent of not sleeping at all. Still, I dont look half sick anymore with eyes rivalling a panda bear or bulgy looking eyes that are half swollen making me feel ten years older. I guess I had a rough time previously which slowly led me to a bit of body and mind disintegration for awhile there. But after shocking myself every day with the kind of look I gave in the mirror come every afternoon when my morning perkiness has lost its...err..perkiness...it is about time I get hold of myself.
So I hate to rough it out a bit...doing 'feminine' things...but hey, unfortunately Im at an age where if I choose NOT to do anything about it, I risk adding years to my age. Now who wants to look older. Seeing proof that I am capable of doing that, I tried to turn back time a bit and doing whatever I can to keep whatever is left of my 'attractiveness' not as a form of mate calling..heh...but just to feel good about myself. Sometimes they are just simple and non expensive beauty routines but if I cant even accomplish the most basic ones even...then I have no one else to blame except myself come the day I lost all my youth much earlier in life.
At times, I do think that we care so much about what others think about us till we get paranoid over things easily. Then before we know it, we are destroying our own life because of the little voices that we hear in our heads that say we are just not good enough or not attractive enough. Trust me, I know how they are and they are worse than your kepo relatives who will keep you putting you down with endless stories of their children's success. But yes I do think that Im not that pretty or that fashionable based on self comparison with my peers. The 'old' me but much younger and naive me would probably just be sad for awhile but not go through some self loathing like Im so not worth it coz i know where I stand. Unfortunately, I didn't put myself in a good light as I would think that yah...Im NO WHERE near them. But now, I think that I deserve to look good or to feel good even if I dont wear the latest trends or Im so not heavily accessorised but just to show that we care about ourselves.
I learn nowadays that I dont need to dress up as pretty or doll like as my peers. The made up face that not just enhance their looks but giving them a completely different look and envied by others both male and female. Seriously, who doesn't want to look beautiful or slim or popular...but whats the point of being that way until you are hardly unrecognizable once people get past through your beauty or popularity. So to me, I think what matters most is how you treat yourself. It's like giving out a positive vibe about yourself without all the bling bling.
So I hope this serves as a bit of inspiration to girls who are like me who at times may feel a little out of line with my other peers. I watched Ugly Betty and I sincerely know how she felt and even if she is someone strong-minded and not easily beaten down, deep down she's still human so it is not a surprise that she broke down after not being able to be take the pressure from the need to look good.
Well, Im glad her boss realised that Betty is much more than those power hungry sex driven (in whichever order u prefer) bimbos. He used to think of her as an easy scapegoat as he was not happy that his assistant was purposely chosen to be non attractive so that he wont get easily distracted at work. But Betty is not just an assistant...u can also say that she is his life saviour because Daniel himself is struggling to show to his father as well as the glitz and glam of the publishing industry including all the backstabbing and catfights....that he is capable.
If that's how the industry works, so what...she has proved on many occasions her faithfulness towards her boss no matter how ridiculous or demanding his requests are and that she has enough knowledge to keep her head above the industry's harshest critics. In a way, that is how she slowly proves herself including her boss who does have a heart actually amidst the heavy flirting with anything beautiful that moves. She shows that we need to learn how to work smart, get out of sticky situations fast and take criticisms with an open mind. At times too she may even need to clean up other people's mess to make things look better or she may screw things up even. It is totally okay. At the end of the day, it will always end off on a happier note despite the hell she went to prior to that because no one's perfect anyway.
So I am saying 'hello' to me now for finally having some sense in myself and have a bit of mind rejuvenation. Im still not quite there yet but from yesterday, I begin to not be so caught up with every single thing. For instance, I start to believe that wind blown hair can also look good with its little bit messed up look rather than trying to make it always look prim and proper. I learn that at some point in time, what may not look good on me then may look good on me later with less focus on physical flaws. Then I am also learning to walk properly and to have a good posture due to complains from concerned citizens..hrmph...but still, it's okay..remember we have to be open minded? I told them that basically I know I have difficulties in this coz I have always felt that I have extra weight on my shoulders. So at times I may even lose my balance while walking coz I cant maintain one leg infront of the other stride for long. At times I may feel that I am learning how to walk all over again.
So that's basically life for me...as usual..a little long winded...but Im also trying to make it a little better even if it is not such a majorly big thing. Well..at the very least, I did try.
But then again..seriously have to go through pages and pages of guidelines and research or risk doing more than damage than good because different people have different ways and at times they may not work out so well. These may take days even especially if there are many other things along the way that can present as problems and have to be resolved first or understood first before moving on. Because of the amount of work I have to do including lots of trials and errors and road blocks to get what I want or to troubleshoot certain problems, it is not easy for me to release my knowledge as much as I may be itching to tell them where they may have gone wrong. But at times, they are just best kept to ourselves. For example, while it is widely known that an anti virus software or a firewall whether free or are paid for...help keep our system safe, I cant go around telling others that they can also be damaging too based on insiders' knowledge as well as personal experiences. Besides Im too young to be sued by these major companies.
Unfortunately, the damage is less likely suspected to have come from them coz of their 'protective' nature perceived by others. Because of this false notion, they can seriously tweak the gawd damn thing for their own benefits like secretly spying for instance and you dont even have a clue about it. I can go on more about this based on what I have read and experienced myself but you seriously would rather hear me sing than geek talk. Let's just say Im just not one of those who take things flat down based on hype or be easily duped by their sweet talk..Im more like those who would go..'pfft...yeah right...' However, this does not include people. So yes..Im still pretty much easily screwed around by others much to Mariah's dismay.
While other girls love to scour for reasonably priced fashion buys, I love scouring the internet for open source softwares for my own beneficial uses either for fun or for my mini I.T. project works. Okay, some of them are readily available through the markets but wats the point of buying them if they are gonna be the same things that you can get via the net for free. That's the whole 'shiok' factor..free and if you come across good softwares, may even personalise it to your fancy. Cant go wrong with that. At times I have to come up with my own methods just to get the bottom of it...but they're perfectly legal. Of course I dont want to be that silly to be jailed for something lame like as if i killed the last internet porn star or something.
So thats me...your average girl who at times go a little way off' with this hobby of hers including sacrificing sleeping hours. But not to worry, even though I still sleep bloody late, the thing is...I roughly know when is the time I need to go to bed and not push myself into sleeping as that will only mean more turning and tossing. To me, that's equivalent of not sleeping at all. Still, I dont look half sick anymore with eyes rivalling a panda bear or bulgy looking eyes that are half swollen making me feel ten years older. I guess I had a rough time previously which slowly led me to a bit of body and mind disintegration for awhile there. But after shocking myself every day with the kind of look I gave in the mirror come every afternoon when my morning perkiness has lost its...err..perkiness...it is about time I get hold of myself.
So I hate to rough it out a bit...doing 'feminine' things...but hey, unfortunately Im at an age where if I choose NOT to do anything about it, I risk adding years to my age. Now who wants to look older. Seeing proof that I am capable of doing that, I tried to turn back time a bit and doing whatever I can to keep whatever is left of my 'attractiveness' not as a form of mate calling..heh...but just to feel good about myself. Sometimes they are just simple and non expensive beauty routines but if I cant even accomplish the most basic ones even...then I have no one else to blame except myself come the day I lost all my youth much earlier in life.
At times, I do think that we care so much about what others think about us till we get paranoid over things easily. Then before we know it, we are destroying our own life because of the little voices that we hear in our heads that say we are just not good enough or not attractive enough. Trust me, I know how they are and they are worse than your kepo relatives who will keep you putting you down with endless stories of their children's success. But yes I do think that Im not that pretty or that fashionable based on self comparison with my peers. The 'old' me but much younger and naive me would probably just be sad for awhile but not go through some self loathing like Im so not worth it coz i know where I stand. Unfortunately, I didn't put myself in a good light as I would think that yah...Im NO WHERE near them. But now, I think that I deserve to look good or to feel good even if I dont wear the latest trends or Im so not heavily accessorised but just to show that we care about ourselves.
I learn nowadays that I dont need to dress up as pretty or doll like as my peers. The made up face that not just enhance their looks but giving them a completely different look and envied by others both male and female. Seriously, who doesn't want to look beautiful or slim or popular...but whats the point of being that way until you are hardly unrecognizable once people get past through your beauty or popularity. So to me, I think what matters most is how you treat yourself. It's like giving out a positive vibe about yourself without all the bling bling.
So I hope this serves as a bit of inspiration to girls who are like me who at times may feel a little out of line with my other peers. I watched Ugly Betty and I sincerely know how she felt and even if she is someone strong-minded and not easily beaten down, deep down she's still human so it is not a surprise that she broke down after not being able to be take the pressure from the need to look good.
Well, Im glad her boss realised that Betty is much more than those power hungry sex driven (in whichever order u prefer) bimbos. He used to think of her as an easy scapegoat as he was not happy that his assistant was purposely chosen to be non attractive so that he wont get easily distracted at work. But Betty is not just an assistant...u can also say that she is his life saviour because Daniel himself is struggling to show to his father as well as the glitz and glam of the publishing industry including all the backstabbing and catfights....that he is capable.
If that's how the industry works, so what...she has proved on many occasions her faithfulness towards her boss no matter how ridiculous or demanding his requests are and that she has enough knowledge to keep her head above the industry's harshest critics. In a way, that is how she slowly proves herself including her boss who does have a heart actually amidst the heavy flirting with anything beautiful that moves. She shows that we need to learn how to work smart, get out of sticky situations fast and take criticisms with an open mind. At times too she may even need to clean up other people's mess to make things look better or she may screw things up even. It is totally okay. At the end of the day, it will always end off on a happier note despite the hell she went to prior to that because no one's perfect anyway.
So I am saying 'hello' to me now for finally having some sense in myself and have a bit of mind rejuvenation. Im still not quite there yet but from yesterday, I begin to not be so caught up with every single thing. For instance, I start to believe that wind blown hair can also look good with its little bit messed up look rather than trying to make it always look prim and proper. I learn that at some point in time, what may not look good on me then may look good on me later with less focus on physical flaws. Then I am also learning to walk properly and to have a good posture due to complains from concerned citizens..hrmph...but still, it's okay..remember we have to be open minded? I told them that basically I know I have difficulties in this coz I have always felt that I have extra weight on my shoulders. So at times I may even lose my balance while walking coz I cant maintain one leg infront of the other stride for long. At times I may feel that I am learning how to walk all over again.
So that's basically life for me...as usual..a little long winded...but Im also trying to make it a little better even if it is not such a majorly big thing. Well..at the very least, I did try.
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