Negative Reactions
Great...just as I was about to lash out to people as a continuation to yesterday..or rather the early morning's ramblings...I had to be in a good mood today. Yes, unbelievable. Monday some more! What's up with me? Okay maybe I finally wore this pink top that i've been meaning to wear for the longest time since..uhm...end of January but never got around it. I mean..pfftt...it's just a top and this is not like the only pink top I have that it feels so freaking precious not to wear it. It's just that it is one of those tops that either can make or break you. Yup, I can be so 'drama' with my clothes.
Maybe coz of this lack of self consciousness feeling inside of me today...with no freakin idea why I feel so nullified...I guess I started off on a good note. Or maybe it is just my hair that is looking better and better each day after following Mariah's tip to never touch my hair unnecessarily as it will promote more dust and and grime to stick to it and make it look limpy or flat. And it was hard at first not to touch it especially when outside, the wind blows my hair as well as my reputation if I end up having a headful of mess. So it may not be perfect, but the gentle and natural toussles of my wavy black hair make me look more edgy and stand out a bit from the crowd ever since I start not to care so much about what people perceive me as whether I have freakin ugly top or freakin ugly hair.
Ever since I start to focus less on people...especially guys..and focus more on me, I realise that I've been missing out a lot on things when it comes to taking care of my special needs. For once, do things for yourself..or pamper yourself....but you dont have to indulge in expensive treat-me-good things. A nice DIY pedicure and manicure will be good..buying a nice top which does not necessarily have to be expensive but makes you feel sexier or attractive is good too...just as long as you feel good yourself rather than to keep on thinking about how others see you as. It's only natural people will start seeing you in a different light because you give out that vibe of self confidence.
Like in my case, I fancy the kind of dress tops that is the rage now but thinking about how Im gonna look like the rest of 'em, is a bit of turn off for me. If I seriously hold on to a hope that some day, I want to wear like that...I find myself wearing it after the rage has died down..haha... Right now, give me a plain top anytime in a solid colour whether Mango or Giordano.
Anyway, enough of the feel good factor. I think I shall truly go deep down into some matters here. Yes, i was pretty upset over some remarks lately even though I dont let them get the better side of me (thus..the easy going mood today..hehe..). I dont know if I should just let it on since I hate to do some recallings (the cover on the slimming seminar is torturous enough..) but let's see how it goes.
Okay, you know how I used to complain about the 3kg weight gain last december and i was so freakin upset over it and got Mariah mad coz it was like whats the big freakin deal about it? Well, I decided that I Should be more sensitive and recalled how I myself hate it whenever people who were so damn thin complain they're getting fatter. Fatter as in...a fatter ego yes..but physically fatter? No way! We're talking about those people with the idealistic body here, hello?! And I know how it feels like when people make those insensitive fat jokes and even though they may know that it can be very insensitive of them or that they know it can be upsetting to me, Im sure they cant help but accidentally let it out.
I remembered how other friends of mine from my previous school had been kind enough not to be mean to me even though yes...I do looked like I 'pigged out' whenever there was a spread on the table. They played along too rather than letting the food go to waste and it was all done in good fun. But there would be this one particular person who always has to be mean to me even though maybe she just did it for fun with no intention of hurting my feelings. She would watch me intently as I was innocently taking some food and give remarks like 'ah..take some more...later you become bigger!' Come on! What do you expect me to do here?! Stare at the food?!! I paid my share okay!
I dont think people heard her comments except in that karake lounge where her good friend would shush her and she realised that she commented too loudly. And seriously, every dinner or lunch...it was the same thing where she would give me this staring game. I just hate her for that, do you know that? But being a nice idiot that I am, I have never taken it against her and just smiled sheepishly like as if I take it too that she was doing it out of fun. I am not known to bear hard feelings in me k? But some things are just too hurtful to forget about like that.
So like I said, as a respect to other people who are having problems dealing with their weight issues, forgive me if I had come as insensitive if you have been reading my past entries. I behaved like it was the end of the world for me. As much as I am dying to track my progress through my blog just like back then in 2005, I dont know if I can put them across anymore without hurting anyone in the process. So I just let it be but only on this weight issue alone. On other issues..hell yah...i want to rant!
In this world, there are always be the meanies. YOu see, these meanies, they exist whether you are down below them or above them. Often caught saying brutally nasty things but in the context of just trying to be open with you. As much as I accept criticisms with an open mind and colourise my life a bit, sometimes they can be rather painful to swallow as I know deep inside my heart....I have never meant to make things seem that way.
Like I said, I dont walk around with the signboard around my head saying that I want to be noticed. If there is anything at all, I just keep it to myself because I dont want others to think that Im some kind of attention seeker because that is not my job. If people notice any changes in me or any new things Im carrying, it is by their own instincts or observation and not me putting on the whiff of temptation.
I know it is pointless for me to say it all here coz no one is gonna hear me out anyway. But the thing is....I am just pretty sick and tired of being assumed for the wrong things. Can people for once get it straight that Im not desperate to look good....to be slimmer....there is no such obssession with me on those things. True, I have been careful when it comes to weight management but Im not some kind of freak who will starve myself to death which thereby giving them the authority to 'stuff me up' like some turkey chicken about to be slaughtered!
This is just so ridiculous! YOu know how many times have I been thought to have starved myself? Look, doesnt mean half of the female population turns to regurgitating their food or eat just bits and pieces of food or live on carrot sticks to be thin fast...Im doing the same gawd damn routine as them. I mean..come on! The last time I was accused of taking slimming pills..and now...they all think Im practically starving myself?! Whatever happened to the cliche sensible diet and exercise plan routine?! So there's an influx of slimming miracles out there in the market but you think I buy their concept is it? Previously yes I did few years back...but after one or two bad experiences without any improvements, I am off them but do I have to be blackmarked forever with that? I didnt even announce this so called confession of mine so whats up with this assumption?
People's mentality has been so clouded by these so called short cuts that now they think Im being a victim of the need to be slim fast. If not them, must be Im depriving myself of food and in comes their lame attempt to buy some extra food, eat some, say they are full and then let me finish off their food whether I like it or not. Idiots, you know..idiots! Here I am trying to be so f**k nice to them and ordered food or snacks together as friends and colleagues on special occasions while not giving a damn if they were fried, high in cholesterol or whatever condition they are in . All in the name of just enjoying good company as friends.
But no.....what do I get? I've been accused for making myself overworked by possibly being obssessed with this weight loss thingey through extreme dieting that makes me lose weight faster and at the same time robbing me off my youth due to my lack of nutritions. At first, yes I admit that I have been looking rather worn out at the start of the month because I had been ill and the 'best' part was that I let my illness dragged on and on as I refused to see the doctor. It was only when my very critically low immune system started to show starking effects on my skin through lumpy red patches that crawled slowly from the bottom of my feet right up to my face and also my scalp, I realised that I needed medical help.
I think I mentioned before that my faced looked aged and no amount of concealing could help hide my puffy tired eyes and my hair was so limp that i was better off shaving them ala Britney Spears. But slowly, as I consumed my medicine and started taking better care of myself that my well being improved. That was why I found it puzzling as to why my friend started to say negative things about me when I met her. I would have understood her reasons if she had met me earlier but I was already looking better that time. Maybe I did show a bit of fatigue at that time coz it was the only time I had to do field work for two schools back to back and then travel way back to office again from toa payoh to outram and then did yes...more data entries at work...before coming out to see her. But to say that I had lost my attractiveness, my face was getting too small and too long, I looked like I am in my early thirties...Im losing weight too fast taking my youth away...all in one breath...I felt rather dumb struck. Initially I laughed it off coz she criticised like Im some kind of celebrity in the first place.
She thought that I was getting out of line with my weight loss especially since it was not that long ago she last saw me. To her it could mean skipping out on food and its nutrients robbing me of my youth. If you trust me, I have not done anything drastic to my diet except to cut down on snacks to its bare minimum coz I know this is basically my weakness. Most times I find myself alone in the gym or with just one or two people from other departments around during the off peak period. Sounds like one lonesome affair including showering later but it's something that I have committed to do and Im not about to back out like that after almost two years at it whether alone or with a gym buddy.
I dont need to be praised for what I have been doing all this time by spelling it out loud and clear. To me it is just a personal quiet affair but not an obssession whether right now or back then when I first started. It's like I dont get it with people sometimes. I know I cant stop them from saying what they want to say and assume whatever they want to assume. Maybe Im getting better at it and making better progress but who is to know that except for myself. I dont have time to retort back at people either to stand up for myself. I just follow my lead on the correct path..that's it.
For one thing I know the comments given by my friend are hers alone coz everyone whom I asked if I looked older than I am dont agree. Younger yes....but not older so they were scratching their heads too like what made my friend say such things. My only conclusion was that probably she is one of the rare few friends of mine who sees me through my teen years into my mid twenties and probably not that accustomed yet that I have grown up. Well gal, I can only say that Im no longer a teenager. whether I like it or not, I am not getting any younger. Maybe in a way you are right that my looks including my facial structure may have changed but it is not because I am going through some drastic weight loss or something but it is because Im growing up too. Like what you said or praised yourself all the time, only you can be easily mistaken for looking so young coz of your smallish face...though I begged to differ..hehe...coz girl, you cant always escape being petite. Doesnt mean you're petite you look younger like forever being in your teens. Petite girls can look rather strange too and this dont just come from me coz I have seen people whose looks dont match their body size..it just look so weird but of course I dont go around saying this to their faces.
So people, dont worry about me. Let me know if there is anything you want to clarify with me if you are worried about my well being. I can assure you that Im kind enough to myself and wont cause harm to my body. Im just going by the usual blah blahs of proper eating habits and the blah blah benefits of exercising. Believe me, it is not an easy job for me either so please dont make it any worse for me. For example, if you see me eat chicken rice, dont be mean by indirectly or bluntly telling me that I am ruining my 'diet' while you are having a so-called 'healthier' dish. I never proclaimed that I am on 'diet'. Goodness man, people's reactions swing between either Im gorging my heart out or starving myself out. What the hell...
But if I were to be any more blunt, it is for people like this to stay out of my personal business. I appreciate your concerns but only if they are put out across in clear manner rather than appearing to be critical of my own effots. I have been on both sides of the fence and at most times, sitting in between so I do share your frustrations at others who may be a tad bit more successful. But right now we're friends or colleagues working together for a rather long time. Im sure you can understand me better than strangers coz we practically see one another through the years. But why this? I've already put the past behind me when you all say Im taking some pills to aid in my weight loss and now I have to put up with this nonsense that I am overworking out and undernourishing myself making me look skinnier each week. Have I hurt you in any way in my past life?
Anyway, it's okay. I guess it is part of life and whether i like it or not, these kind of things will continue to exist even if one day, I eventually reach my target weight. I can be like that too believe it or not when I commented to my mum about this auntie of whom in just mere months, went down so much downsizing herself to the skinny size of a teenager! I seriously thought it was her daughter or what but gawd man...she cant be losing so much in just 6 months plus to this shrunken state. But whether she has any extra help or something, thats up for others to believe.
So yup...feeling a tad bit better now after that. Like I said, I have no control over them...
Maybe coz of this lack of self consciousness feeling inside of me today...with no freakin idea why I feel so nullified...I guess I started off on a good note. Or maybe it is just my hair that is looking better and better each day after following Mariah's tip to never touch my hair unnecessarily as it will promote more dust and and grime to stick to it and make it look limpy or flat. And it was hard at first not to touch it especially when outside, the wind blows my hair as well as my reputation if I end up having a headful of mess. So it may not be perfect, but the gentle and natural toussles of my wavy black hair make me look more edgy and stand out a bit from the crowd ever since I start not to care so much about what people perceive me as whether I have freakin ugly top or freakin ugly hair.
Ever since I start to focus less on people...especially guys..and focus more on me, I realise that I've been missing out a lot on things when it comes to taking care of my special needs. For once, do things for yourself..or pamper yourself....but you dont have to indulge in expensive treat-me-good things. A nice DIY pedicure and manicure will be good..buying a nice top which does not necessarily have to be expensive but makes you feel sexier or attractive is good too...just as long as you feel good yourself rather than to keep on thinking about how others see you as. It's only natural people will start seeing you in a different light because you give out that vibe of self confidence.
Like in my case, I fancy the kind of dress tops that is the rage now but thinking about how Im gonna look like the rest of 'em, is a bit of turn off for me. If I seriously hold on to a hope that some day, I want to wear like that...I find myself wearing it after the rage has died down..haha... Right now, give me a plain top anytime in a solid colour whether Mango or Giordano.
Anyway, enough of the feel good factor. I think I shall truly go deep down into some matters here. Yes, i was pretty upset over some remarks lately even though I dont let them get the better side of me (thus..the easy going mood today..hehe..). I dont know if I should just let it on since I hate to do some recallings (the cover on the slimming seminar is torturous enough..) but let's see how it goes.
Okay, you know how I used to complain about the 3kg weight gain last december and i was so freakin upset over it and got Mariah mad coz it was like whats the big freakin deal about it? Well, I decided that I Should be more sensitive and recalled how I myself hate it whenever people who were so damn thin complain they're getting fatter. Fatter as in...a fatter ego yes..but physically fatter? No way! We're talking about those people with the idealistic body here, hello?! And I know how it feels like when people make those insensitive fat jokes and even though they may know that it can be very insensitive of them or that they know it can be upsetting to me, Im sure they cant help but accidentally let it out.
I remembered how other friends of mine from my previous school had been kind enough not to be mean to me even though yes...I do looked like I 'pigged out' whenever there was a spread on the table. They played along too rather than letting the food go to waste and it was all done in good fun. But there would be this one particular person who always has to be mean to me even though maybe she just did it for fun with no intention of hurting my feelings. She would watch me intently as I was innocently taking some food and give remarks like 'ah..take some more...later you become bigger!' Come on! What do you expect me to do here?! Stare at the food?!! I paid my share okay!
I dont think people heard her comments except in that karake lounge where her good friend would shush her and she realised that she commented too loudly. And seriously, every dinner or lunch...it was the same thing where she would give me this staring game. I just hate her for that, do you know that? But being a nice idiot that I am, I have never taken it against her and just smiled sheepishly like as if I take it too that she was doing it out of fun. I am not known to bear hard feelings in me k? But some things are just too hurtful to forget about like that.
So like I said, as a respect to other people who are having problems dealing with their weight issues, forgive me if I had come as insensitive if you have been reading my past entries. I behaved like it was the end of the world for me. As much as I am dying to track my progress through my blog just like back then in 2005, I dont know if I can put them across anymore without hurting anyone in the process. So I just let it be but only on this weight issue alone. On other issues..hell yah...i want to rant!
In this world, there are always be the meanies. YOu see, these meanies, they exist whether you are down below them or above them. Often caught saying brutally nasty things but in the context of just trying to be open with you. As much as I accept criticisms with an open mind and colourise my life a bit, sometimes they can be rather painful to swallow as I know deep inside my heart....I have never meant to make things seem that way.
Like I said, I dont walk around with the signboard around my head saying that I want to be noticed. If there is anything at all, I just keep it to myself because I dont want others to think that Im some kind of attention seeker because that is not my job. If people notice any changes in me or any new things Im carrying, it is by their own instincts or observation and not me putting on the whiff of temptation.
I know it is pointless for me to say it all here coz no one is gonna hear me out anyway. But the thing is....I am just pretty sick and tired of being assumed for the wrong things. Can people for once get it straight that Im not desperate to look good....to be slimmer....there is no such obssession with me on those things. True, I have been careful when it comes to weight management but Im not some kind of freak who will starve myself to death which thereby giving them the authority to 'stuff me up' like some turkey chicken about to be slaughtered!
This is just so ridiculous! YOu know how many times have I been thought to have starved myself? Look, doesnt mean half of the female population turns to regurgitating their food or eat just bits and pieces of food or live on carrot sticks to be thin fast...Im doing the same gawd damn routine as them. I mean..come on! The last time I was accused of taking slimming pills..and now...they all think Im practically starving myself?! Whatever happened to the cliche sensible diet and exercise plan routine?! So there's an influx of slimming miracles out there in the market but you think I buy their concept is it? Previously yes I did few years back...but after one or two bad experiences without any improvements, I am off them but do I have to be blackmarked forever with that? I didnt even announce this so called confession of mine so whats up with this assumption?
People's mentality has been so clouded by these so called short cuts that now they think Im being a victim of the need to be slim fast. If not them, must be Im depriving myself of food and in comes their lame attempt to buy some extra food, eat some, say they are full and then let me finish off their food whether I like it or not. Idiots, you know..idiots! Here I am trying to be so f**k nice to them and ordered food or snacks together as friends and colleagues on special occasions while not giving a damn if they were fried, high in cholesterol or whatever condition they are in . All in the name of just enjoying good company as friends.
But no.....what do I get? I've been accused for making myself overworked by possibly being obssessed with this weight loss thingey through extreme dieting that makes me lose weight faster and at the same time robbing me off my youth due to my lack of nutritions. At first, yes I admit that I have been looking rather worn out at the start of the month because I had been ill and the 'best' part was that I let my illness dragged on and on as I refused to see the doctor. It was only when my very critically low immune system started to show starking effects on my skin through lumpy red patches that crawled slowly from the bottom of my feet right up to my face and also my scalp, I realised that I needed medical help.
I think I mentioned before that my faced looked aged and no amount of concealing could help hide my puffy tired eyes and my hair was so limp that i was better off shaving them ala Britney Spears. But slowly, as I consumed my medicine and started taking better care of myself that my well being improved. That was why I found it puzzling as to why my friend started to say negative things about me when I met her. I would have understood her reasons if she had met me earlier but I was already looking better that time. Maybe I did show a bit of fatigue at that time coz it was the only time I had to do field work for two schools back to back and then travel way back to office again from toa payoh to outram and then did yes...more data entries at work...before coming out to see her. But to say that I had lost my attractiveness, my face was getting too small and too long, I looked like I am in my early thirties...Im losing weight too fast taking my youth away...all in one breath...I felt rather dumb struck. Initially I laughed it off coz she criticised like Im some kind of celebrity in the first place.
She thought that I was getting out of line with my weight loss especially since it was not that long ago she last saw me. To her it could mean skipping out on food and its nutrients robbing me of my youth. If you trust me, I have not done anything drastic to my diet except to cut down on snacks to its bare minimum coz I know this is basically my weakness. Most times I find myself alone in the gym or with just one or two people from other departments around during the off peak period. Sounds like one lonesome affair including showering later but it's something that I have committed to do and Im not about to back out like that after almost two years at it whether alone or with a gym buddy.
I dont need to be praised for what I have been doing all this time by spelling it out loud and clear. To me it is just a personal quiet affair but not an obssession whether right now or back then when I first started. It's like I dont get it with people sometimes. I know I cant stop them from saying what they want to say and assume whatever they want to assume. Maybe Im getting better at it and making better progress but who is to know that except for myself. I dont have time to retort back at people either to stand up for myself. I just follow my lead on the correct path..that's it.
For one thing I know the comments given by my friend are hers alone coz everyone whom I asked if I looked older than I am dont agree. Younger yes....but not older so they were scratching their heads too like what made my friend say such things. My only conclusion was that probably she is one of the rare few friends of mine who sees me through my teen years into my mid twenties and probably not that accustomed yet that I have grown up. Well gal, I can only say that Im no longer a teenager. whether I like it or not, I am not getting any younger. Maybe in a way you are right that my looks including my facial structure may have changed but it is not because I am going through some drastic weight loss or something but it is because Im growing up too. Like what you said or praised yourself all the time, only you can be easily mistaken for looking so young coz of your smallish face...though I begged to differ..hehe...coz girl, you cant always escape being petite. Doesnt mean you're petite you look younger like forever being in your teens. Petite girls can look rather strange too and this dont just come from me coz I have seen people whose looks dont match their body size..it just look so weird but of course I dont go around saying this to their faces.
So people, dont worry about me. Let me know if there is anything you want to clarify with me if you are worried about my well being. I can assure you that Im kind enough to myself and wont cause harm to my body. Im just going by the usual blah blahs of proper eating habits and the blah blah benefits of exercising. Believe me, it is not an easy job for me either so please dont make it any worse for me. For example, if you see me eat chicken rice, dont be mean by indirectly or bluntly telling me that I am ruining my 'diet' while you are having a so-called 'healthier' dish. I never proclaimed that I am on 'diet'. Goodness man, people's reactions swing between either Im gorging my heart out or starving myself out. What the hell...
But if I were to be any more blunt, it is for people like this to stay out of my personal business. I appreciate your concerns but only if they are put out across in clear manner rather than appearing to be critical of my own effots. I have been on both sides of the fence and at most times, sitting in between so I do share your frustrations at others who may be a tad bit more successful. But right now we're friends or colleagues working together for a rather long time. Im sure you can understand me better than strangers coz we practically see one another through the years. But why this? I've already put the past behind me when you all say Im taking some pills to aid in my weight loss and now I have to put up with this nonsense that I am overworking out and undernourishing myself making me look skinnier each week. Have I hurt you in any way in my past life?
Anyway, it's okay. I guess it is part of life and whether i like it or not, these kind of things will continue to exist even if one day, I eventually reach my target weight. I can be like that too believe it or not when I commented to my mum about this auntie of whom in just mere months, went down so much downsizing herself to the skinny size of a teenager! I seriously thought it was her daughter or what but gawd man...she cant be losing so much in just 6 months plus to this shrunken state. But whether she has any extra help or something, thats up for others to believe.
So yup...feeling a tad bit better now after that. Like I said, I have no control over them...
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