Curious Smile
Im slowly adjusting my sleeping time and I can tell you that it is not easy being an imsomniac who can miraculously survive her day throughout later without any signs of slowing down or extreme fatigue. My body works in strange ways...except for that last friday though. It was so bad that I made a data entry error that could have been easily modified but that damn bloody f&*#@ thing was made in such a way that we would not be able to do anything should we chose the option and accidentally submitted the info. . By the way, I was not sleep deprived at that time..believe it or not..but it was due to the two days of gym sessions within the same week after two weeks of hiatus. Dont ask why..let's just say I left my brain somewhere else in those two weeks.
I know this is out of context but in line with my previous entry. Just now I got a packet of egg tart coz they could not finish the whole box and dunno who else to dump it at...but me of course. Yay (as in a sarcastic tone). I dont get people sometimes...they think you're the type who can eat a lot..they dump food on you...they think you have been not been having a good lunch or skipping out on lunch...they dump food on you too. What is this...they obviously dont pay me enough to be a dumpster here. Well, at least I have something to eat for tomorrow's breakfast.
Anyway, I need to establish some facts here. When I said I wanted to purify my mind against the temptation of looking at guys frequently, it doesnt mean I am completely off them. Please..Im not migrating to a cave here. I just think my eyes deserve better. And maybe my heart too if I decided that with that kind of looks and bod, I dont mind spending an eternity just gawking at him. Hey, you'll never know. Out goes my fear of commitment and my fear of marriage life from my record.
Despite my complains about how hard this purification thingey is for me...it's not that hard either maybe coz Im not a looker myself so I dont have to struggle fending off attention. Especially the attention from the better half of the single male population who only deserve to gawk at the females in the same pipeline as them. I mean..they ARE after all the idealistic kind of couple worthy of magazine cover shots. A girl like me? At the back of the magazine, yes lah..haha...
But I recently said that this kind of stand towards men help me in a way to focus more on myself. I dont know if it is just me....but instead of uncontrollable heaping of attention on them, I just have this gut feeling that im being looked at instead. So...this is revenge? Well, I should say sweet revenge..heh..*alamak, snap out of it, rahayu!* Or more like delusional. You know how you thought the person may be looking at you a few times secretly and then when you turn to see, actually he isn't.
Talking about that, strangely this morning I wouldnt think I was imagining things but let me tell you this....the man is gawd damn good looking! and damn tall. whoopee for that if u know what kind of height i prefer. Still, he's straight up in the 'I want to have his children' chart list for some women. I hate to break mariah's bubble so early in this story but since I dont hide things from her or that she will somehow some day snake around and find out the truth herself, he isnt exactly the nationality she fancies. The sort she will roll her eyes to. I saw him like a few times before I think and he stood out...obviously...and he was with this petite woman who is not too bad looking but belong in the average class like me ah. They will sit down or stand together a few cm apart and not appear affectionate towards each other or something and will take different buses. He will NOT even be looking at her but elsewhere as she boards the bus. In other words, they dont seem to have the couple element.
Then he would take the same bus as me if I was heading towards Toa Payoh or somewhere near there for field work. I would at times glance around while listening to my mp3 player and he would be glancing around too but no....dont quite have my attention on him even though he's good looking. So was he. Mariah has influenced me enough to approach this nationality with cautious..haha..Oh, plus the fact that he was with a woman prior to this too which could be his other half. Anyway I thought I looked odd enough with my huge gym bag (I dont know if this is some kind of joke by my company) and in my skirt and top ensemble the last time I saw him.
This morning, I was again struggling with that damn gym bag again but this time with shoes in it since the locker at work is under repair...drats...Then as I walking on the pathway, I saw him and the petite woman walking together and coming from some block of flats. He was looking as gorgeous as ever with his buffed up american sized body. Gawd..if only he was chinese..and not so tall. The woman was in red..looking plain as ever..heh..jahat sey. She had a backpack with a badminton racket stuck in between the zips. She was doing most of the talking while he was replying in hushed tones and not talking much as I was walking behind them. They didnt hold hands or anything or act affectionate.
Then I saw him taking out his badge. I didnt want to see it but he was practically dangling it infront of him but in full view for me to see his name which was unpronounciable (if theres such a word) but eh...I recognise his workplace. He works at HDB...wow...potential cash cow there.
And at the bus stop, he stopped at the first bench with the girl while I walked towards the other bench looking down but I thought he was looking at me. I think its normal. Wouldnt you look at anyone passing by you at the bus stop? So I found a resting place at the bench for the bloody bag and then started looking out for the bus. Then, it struck me. As I looked up, I saw him turn around sideways and looked at me. NOw I know I dont have perfect vision and I sleep at 4am every morning but my brain was functioning well at that time. I could have sworn he turned around and smiled at me!!!! The kind of smile that can sink a titanic with kate winslet or not!
Actually it didnt occur to me that he was smiling possibly in my direction. But there was no one behind me as all were infront. So, I kinda gave him this curious stare as in..'is he....looking at me....' before looking down at my bag sheepishly without smiling back coz it would be one heck of a misunderstanding even though I really thought he was. Maybe he jz happened to smile while turning around as his friend or wife or girlfriend..whatever..was talking to him and he was responding to her. But at the same time, he happened to land his gaze on me.
Good thing my bus came in less than 5 minutes and I took myself out of the awkward situation pronto. As I was standing at the standing corner of the bus, I kinda saw him looking at me. Maybe he thought like eh..how come she took a different bus? I was heading to whampoa which meant taking another bus. I dont have a fixated workplace like the rest of the working class people there. Okay wait..I do..but only after field work.
*update!* yup...today saw the 'couple' again and both were standing and as usual, he was looking at me as I was passing by. I know I always looked like I never noticed anyone as I am walking or standing anywhere but actually, I do. I will only look back if I get repeated stares whether from a man or a woman. At times cant blame them if lets say it's just a case of mistaken identity.
Whatever it is, if I may appear to have snubbed him, I dont actually. I have no hard feelings against his foreign nationality too coz hey...their country does produce good looking lasses too. But trust me, I didnt smile back because like I said, it could either be a mistaken identity or he happened to listen to his...here we go again...friend/wife/girlfriend..saying about something and smiled in response just as he was turning his head around. I wouldnt say that it's so undeserving of me to be singled out by a good looker like himself because hey..I get singled out every time! for the wrong reasons....or by the wrong type of guys.
Anyway, watever the stand here is...my conclusion of this entry is that you will see me looking at guys in a different light once this purification thingey is over. Talking about that, maybe I should start thinking of an appropriate time to end this process..hehe..but not so soon lah. Like what I told mariah, this may seem to be the best period coz the chinese guys are curiously twice more handsome and twice more buff when my mind is switched to the delusional mode. Way to go, rahayu!
I know this is out of context but in line with my previous entry. Just now I got a packet of egg tart coz they could not finish the whole box and dunno who else to dump it at...but me of course. Yay (as in a sarcastic tone). I dont get people sometimes...they think you're the type who can eat a lot..they dump food on you...they think you have been not been having a good lunch or skipping out on lunch...they dump food on you too. What is this...they obviously dont pay me enough to be a dumpster here. Well, at least I have something to eat for tomorrow's breakfast.
Anyway, I need to establish some facts here. When I said I wanted to purify my mind against the temptation of looking at guys frequently, it doesnt mean I am completely off them. Please..Im not migrating to a cave here. I just think my eyes deserve better. And maybe my heart too if I decided that with that kind of looks and bod, I dont mind spending an eternity just gawking at him. Hey, you'll never know. Out goes my fear of commitment and my fear of marriage life from my record.
Despite my complains about how hard this purification thingey is for me...it's not that hard either maybe coz Im not a looker myself so I dont have to struggle fending off attention. Especially the attention from the better half of the single male population who only deserve to gawk at the females in the same pipeline as them. I mean..they ARE after all the idealistic kind of couple worthy of magazine cover shots. A girl like me? At the back of the magazine, yes lah..haha...
But I recently said that this kind of stand towards men help me in a way to focus more on myself. I dont know if it is just me....but instead of uncontrollable heaping of attention on them, I just have this gut feeling that im being looked at instead. So...this is revenge? Well, I should say sweet revenge..heh..*alamak, snap out of it, rahayu!* Or more like delusional. You know how you thought the person may be looking at you a few times secretly and then when you turn to see, actually he isn't.
Talking about that, strangely this morning I wouldnt think I was imagining things but let me tell you this....the man is gawd damn good looking! and damn tall. whoopee for that if u know what kind of height i prefer. Still, he's straight up in the 'I want to have his children' chart list for some women. I hate to break mariah's bubble so early in this story but since I dont hide things from her or that she will somehow some day snake around and find out the truth herself, he isnt exactly the nationality she fancies. The sort she will roll her eyes to. I saw him like a few times before I think and he stood out...obviously...and he was with this petite woman who is not too bad looking but belong in the average class like me ah. They will sit down or stand together a few cm apart and not appear affectionate towards each other or something and will take different buses. He will NOT even be looking at her but elsewhere as she boards the bus. In other words, they dont seem to have the couple element.
Then he would take the same bus as me if I was heading towards Toa Payoh or somewhere near there for field work. I would at times glance around while listening to my mp3 player and he would be glancing around too but no....dont quite have my attention on him even though he's good looking. So was he. Mariah has influenced me enough to approach this nationality with cautious..haha..Oh, plus the fact that he was with a woman prior to this too which could be his other half. Anyway I thought I looked odd enough with my huge gym bag (I dont know if this is some kind of joke by my company) and in my skirt and top ensemble the last time I saw him.
This morning, I was again struggling with that damn gym bag again but this time with shoes in it since the locker at work is under repair...drats...Then as I walking on the pathway, I saw him and the petite woman walking together and coming from some block of flats. He was looking as gorgeous as ever with his buffed up american sized body. Gawd..if only he was chinese..and not so tall. The woman was in red..looking plain as ever..heh..jahat sey. She had a backpack with a badminton racket stuck in between the zips. She was doing most of the talking while he was replying in hushed tones and not talking much as I was walking behind them. They didnt hold hands or anything or act affectionate.
Then I saw him taking out his badge. I didnt want to see it but he was practically dangling it infront of him but in full view for me to see his name which was unpronounciable (if theres such a word) but eh...I recognise his workplace. He works at HDB...wow...potential cash cow there.
And at the bus stop, he stopped at the first bench with the girl while I walked towards the other bench looking down but I thought he was looking at me. I think its normal. Wouldnt you look at anyone passing by you at the bus stop? So I found a resting place at the bench for the bloody bag and then started looking out for the bus. Then, it struck me. As I looked up, I saw him turn around sideways and looked at me. NOw I know I dont have perfect vision and I sleep at 4am every morning but my brain was functioning well at that time. I could have sworn he turned around and smiled at me!!!! The kind of smile that can sink a titanic with kate winslet or not!
Actually it didnt occur to me that he was smiling possibly in my direction. But there was no one behind me as all were infront. So, I kinda gave him this curious stare as in..'is he....looking at me....' before looking down at my bag sheepishly without smiling back coz it would be one heck of a misunderstanding even though I really thought he was. Maybe he jz happened to smile while turning around as his friend or wife or girlfriend..whatever..was talking to him and he was responding to her. But at the same time, he happened to land his gaze on me.
Good thing my bus came in less than 5 minutes and I took myself out of the awkward situation pronto. As I was standing at the standing corner of the bus, I kinda saw him looking at me. Maybe he thought like eh..how come she took a different bus? I was heading to whampoa which meant taking another bus. I dont have a fixated workplace like the rest of the working class people there. Okay wait..I do..but only after field work.
*update!* yup...today saw the 'couple' again and both were standing and as usual, he was looking at me as I was passing by. I know I always looked like I never noticed anyone as I am walking or standing anywhere but actually, I do. I will only look back if I get repeated stares whether from a man or a woman. At times cant blame them if lets say it's just a case of mistaken identity.
Whatever it is, if I may appear to have snubbed him, I dont actually. I have no hard feelings against his foreign nationality too coz hey...their country does produce good looking lasses too. But trust me, I didnt smile back because like I said, it could either be a mistaken identity or he happened to listen to his...here we go again...friend/wife/girlfriend..saying about something and smiled in response just as he was turning his head around. I wouldnt say that it's so undeserving of me to be singled out by a good looker like himself because hey..I get singled out every time! for the wrong reasons....or by the wrong type of guys.
Anyway, watever the stand here is...my conclusion of this entry is that you will see me looking at guys in a different light once this purification thingey is over. Talking about that, maybe I should start thinking of an appropriate time to end this process..hehe..but not so soon lah. Like what I told mariah, this may seem to be the best period coz the chinese guys are curiously twice more handsome and twice more buff when my mind is switched to the delusional mode. Way to go, rahayu!
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