In Memory Of..
I have been going through an emotional turmoil especially when relating to my job and studies but right now, once I psychoed myself into thinking that no one can change my life..but me...I feel a little better. I began to take actions which I hope, will help me out in big ways to make my life more meaningful. Well, I got onlie one life and what better way but to live it like how you want it to be lived...at times, I felt that I am stagnant..going nowhere....merely being like a 'maid' to my family members especially my mum and brother. I didn't want to eat that much anymore even though I told myself not to panic if I ever gain a kg..which I did last week after trying to lose that last 1 kg weight gain.
But that sense of calmness made the turn of the worst in me as I started to 'binge'...like eat whatever I want...when I please...and I felt like I kinda lost control as I saw that I put yet another 0.5kg in just a matter of days. However, I took charge quickly and had to put a strict control over my diet over the weekend. I didn't know how much it had helped me as I had yet to weigh myself at work but I feel better now..hee..although I kinda took it to the extreme the last few hours before I write this. Anyhow, tell ya later.
Actually, I would like to offer my deepest condolensces to the family of the little girl who was found to be missing the last few days only to discover her lifeless body yesterday. I just read the article in the newspaper regarding the lost girl and I couldn't imagine how the girl was going to survive being only two years old in this big big world. My heart really went to the ailing grandparents and great grandmother who were very very concerned about her whereabouts and who never stopped searching for her despite their old age. Day and night, they looked for her everywhere they could with the help of neighbours from their vicinity as well as volunteers.
My life would have been on a standstill too if I lost a dear one wondering non stop how is she....where is she......and I doubt I could sleep either without thinking where she is going to sleep. Even as adults, I struggle going through life but being a two year old who is still clueless about the dangers out there, I felt really bad for her and wished that they would find her as soon as possible.
But while I was on my exercise stepper machine and watching the news at the same time, initially I tot that it was a piece of good news when the newsreader opened the topic on her. However, it wasn't good news at all. It was horrifying. My heart was crying and angry at the same time knowing that she had been murdered and her clothless almost rotting body had been buried with dead leaves and rubbish. The murderer took pains in hiding her body by 'stuffing' her at the lowest end of the flyover bridge where anybody could not have possibly found her. She was never meant to be found but the suspect, her step father, could have given the leads to the police on where the body was.
I don't wish to comment much about her parents, of whom her mother was a 22 year old and her father a 23 year old. They were divorced last year and apparently her real father had not seen her since last december. Her step father, the 30 year old suspect, did not take care of her and lived in a separate flat though within the same neighbourhood. The news stated that all this while, she had been taken care of by her grandparents.
I really am not proud of what has happened and even though personally, I am not that good with kids, I feel a great pity for them especially if they have to bear all the hurt and pain. I do hope all young parents out there, please have great considerations for your children. Even as we're young and have the need to still go out there and enjoy our hearts out, think about the family. In life, we need to balance out sometimes and we can't be thinking about ourselves all the time. Even myself, I am not a parent but I am still not short of family commitments. At times, sure I do feel like a maid, like earlier on I had to go to the same eating place 3 times just to satisfy their hunger needs. I feel like crying sometimes because I don't feel like a daughter or a sister. I felt used as if I got no feelings of my own.
But I just went and go ahead with it...listening to music in my handphone to shut out the world and my burden. You could say it was a matter of speed too as I ordered quickly (even though at times they make take ages to prepare) get the stuffs and get out fast. After that I know I would get some 'me' time by watching some funny tv programme or by surfing the net and forgotten all about the fuss in my head just now.
Maybe many of the young parents, who might not have planned to have children initially, only to have them later, felt that they got so much going on for them. When we make mistakes, at times we can try to cover them up and move on. But if the mistakes made produce a baby who slowly grows up to be a child, we can't let that poor child like that on his or her own. They have been granted a life and even if we think that our future has been shortlived, due to our carelessness, they shouldn't suffer the same fate as us. Treat them well as these little human beings are still full of innocence and who learn through mimicking people's actions.
When my little cousin is starting to show her tantrums and her fierceness to her mother, my mother thought that she was starting to show psychological problems. But I told her because she learnt from her own mother who spends most times on the phone calling anyone she can get hold of to simply talk and talk. Being full of curiosity, children are bound to fall, knock their heads or scrap their knees in the process of learning. Sure, we can scold them if they are naughty but if they are trying to catch our attention after ignoring them for so long, who wouldn't show tantrums? No child feels comfortable wearing a diaper fully soaked with pee while the mum is there yakking and yakking away...and then you scold the child for throwing tantrums...Haiz..
Anyway back to the case, I don't want to accuse the parents or stepfather of anything and whether whatever I have said above is applicable to them. But I really feel bad knowing that children can be so innocent even though at times they are like these little devils and at times, I am ashamed of myself for being so down and out. It's like, why not we see things in a different light, discovering the little wonders the world has to offer, without being bogged down so much with unnecessary stress. Sometimes, we stress ourselves so much thinking about things that have not even occurred that we fail to see that it is sometimes not a big deal after all.
I have been granted so many years of living on earth and even though we don't know when we will go, we can't be anticipating that day to come right? I know sometimes I toy with the idea of just going by each day as it presented itself in a monotonous fashion. I even secretly wished that I would be sick so that I don't have to come to work or be really sick that I end up in hospital so my family knows how it is like when I am not around. But why think in that manner when we ourselves are not making the necessary changes that at times, may turn our lives around? So we made a mistake...like I made the mistake of wasting my dad's money on a foiled education plan. I was put off by studies for a few years because of financial problems but hey....I tot that if I can sacrifice a bit here and there, and think in a smaller scale...then I can well be on my way to my studies.
Right now, there is a high probability that I may be taking the advanced diploma in Business Studies quite soon which can grant me an entry to the London External Programme if I pass with credits. And it doesn't quite cost a bomb like the university degree. Of course, I would very much want to obtain a degree but if the time is not right, I can wait. It's better than waiting for the sky to fall right?
In terms of my career, I seriously think that I am going nowhere and even though I had originally planned on not to change job this year, I felt that I am no longer up to it. My close colleague has just been transferred to the polyclinic on attachment for 6 months and I have been partnered with this colleague who works according to her mood swings. I know previously, I managed to shut my emotions out whenever she didn't feel like doing this or that...and just carried on some things supposed to be done by her instead. If I told her to do or point out her mistakes on paper, she put on this black face but I have to look out for myself at times too. But right now, I just don't know how long I can put up with her again.
Anyhow, I am also thinking that my department is being run by the management who thinks nothing of staff welfare. I can't imagine that for the next four months starting from April, I have to travel out of my east zone to south zone which can take me to far places like holland and dover. I know it sounds 'exciting' travelling beyond our 'comfort zone' and that change can do us good at times. But why should I be engaging in this when in the end, it is going to benefit the one who created this 'brain child' who chided us with sarcastic remarks when some of us brought up the issue of having to wake up damn early as the places are damn far now.
Also, if travelling exp can be claimed in full, hey I wouldn't mind. But getting an amount less than a week's worth of travel is not THAT worth it. She said that we're lucky we can claim unlike them. Hello? You drive okay? We take public transport. How would YOU know about the morning crowd from point A to point B?
Whatever it is, as I looked through the classifieds yesterday, I found several suitable posts that I had been aiming for. I don't know if this is a sign but whatever it is, I finally muttered the courage to just give it a go. Previously, I would at least apply for one or two posts in a year but now I am determined to just try as many as I can cope. I think 3 years of doing the same thing is enough and even my own fav ex supervisor took the express route of resigning and leaving within 3 days.
He worked so hard since the beginning of this programme and what did he get? No promotions for the last few years including this year and no bonus and no increment. All because our superior who actually had not been in office almost everyday but to attend meetings else where had the cheek to report him to the director claiming he did no such work.
Doesn't she know that he stays back past 7pm doing not just work relating to our department but for other commitees which he took on responsibilities nobody wanted to take. Even my close colleague, who never cried when one by one our other close colleagues started to leave, cried on the phone when talking to him asking why the sudden leave?
Just now, I didn't exactly say that I wanted to leave but I only said that things are not looking up for me in this department. Neither will I get any chances of transfer or upgrading so why stay in a place that doesn't recognise our efforts but is only concerned for their own recognition and eventual promotion while making the small fries like me suffer. The last time they would consider our feelings but now it is just work, work and work.
The little girl may have lost her life at such a young age to someone of extreme cruelty. But I hope she knows that she has been the inspiration for people like me to make the best of what we have or about to have. While she was still living, even though her grandparents are very poor and living on people's kindness in their small flat, her smile in the picture showed that in whatever conditions we are in, we must be happy for what has been granted to us. REST IN PEACE LITTLE GIRL. MAY GOD PROTECT YOUR SOUL.
But that sense of calmness made the turn of the worst in me as I started to 'binge'...like eat whatever I want...when I please...and I felt like I kinda lost control as I saw that I put yet another 0.5kg in just a matter of days. However, I took charge quickly and had to put a strict control over my diet over the weekend. I didn't know how much it had helped me as I had yet to weigh myself at work but I feel better now..hee..although I kinda took it to the extreme the last few hours before I write this. Anyhow, tell ya later.
Actually, I would like to offer my deepest condolensces to the family of the little girl who was found to be missing the last few days only to discover her lifeless body yesterday. I just read the article in the newspaper regarding the lost girl and I couldn't imagine how the girl was going to survive being only two years old in this big big world. My heart really went to the ailing grandparents and great grandmother who were very very concerned about her whereabouts and who never stopped searching for her despite their old age. Day and night, they looked for her everywhere they could with the help of neighbours from their vicinity as well as volunteers.
My life would have been on a standstill too if I lost a dear one wondering non stop how is she....where is she......and I doubt I could sleep either without thinking where she is going to sleep. Even as adults, I struggle going through life but being a two year old who is still clueless about the dangers out there, I felt really bad for her and wished that they would find her as soon as possible.
But while I was on my exercise stepper machine and watching the news at the same time, initially I tot that it was a piece of good news when the newsreader opened the topic on her. However, it wasn't good news at all. It was horrifying. My heart was crying and angry at the same time knowing that she had been murdered and her clothless almost rotting body had been buried with dead leaves and rubbish. The murderer took pains in hiding her body by 'stuffing' her at the lowest end of the flyover bridge where anybody could not have possibly found her. She was never meant to be found but the suspect, her step father, could have given the leads to the police on where the body was.
I don't wish to comment much about her parents, of whom her mother was a 22 year old and her father a 23 year old. They were divorced last year and apparently her real father had not seen her since last december. Her step father, the 30 year old suspect, did not take care of her and lived in a separate flat though within the same neighbourhood. The news stated that all this while, she had been taken care of by her grandparents.
I really am not proud of what has happened and even though personally, I am not that good with kids, I feel a great pity for them especially if they have to bear all the hurt and pain. I do hope all young parents out there, please have great considerations for your children. Even as we're young and have the need to still go out there and enjoy our hearts out, think about the family. In life, we need to balance out sometimes and we can't be thinking about ourselves all the time. Even myself, I am not a parent but I am still not short of family commitments. At times, sure I do feel like a maid, like earlier on I had to go to the same eating place 3 times just to satisfy their hunger needs. I feel like crying sometimes because I don't feel like a daughter or a sister. I felt used as if I got no feelings of my own.
But I just went and go ahead with it...listening to music in my handphone to shut out the world and my burden. You could say it was a matter of speed too as I ordered quickly (even though at times they make take ages to prepare) get the stuffs and get out fast. After that I know I would get some 'me' time by watching some funny tv programme or by surfing the net and forgotten all about the fuss in my head just now.
Maybe many of the young parents, who might not have planned to have children initially, only to have them later, felt that they got so much going on for them. When we make mistakes, at times we can try to cover them up and move on. But if the mistakes made produce a baby who slowly grows up to be a child, we can't let that poor child like that on his or her own. They have been granted a life and even if we think that our future has been shortlived, due to our carelessness, they shouldn't suffer the same fate as us. Treat them well as these little human beings are still full of innocence and who learn through mimicking people's actions.
When my little cousin is starting to show her tantrums and her fierceness to her mother, my mother thought that she was starting to show psychological problems. But I told her because she learnt from her own mother who spends most times on the phone calling anyone she can get hold of to simply talk and talk. Being full of curiosity, children are bound to fall, knock their heads or scrap their knees in the process of learning. Sure, we can scold them if they are naughty but if they are trying to catch our attention after ignoring them for so long, who wouldn't show tantrums? No child feels comfortable wearing a diaper fully soaked with pee while the mum is there yakking and yakking away...and then you scold the child for throwing tantrums...Haiz..
Anyway back to the case, I don't want to accuse the parents or stepfather of anything and whether whatever I have said above is applicable to them. But I really feel bad knowing that children can be so innocent even though at times they are like these little devils and at times, I am ashamed of myself for being so down and out. It's like, why not we see things in a different light, discovering the little wonders the world has to offer, without being bogged down so much with unnecessary stress. Sometimes, we stress ourselves so much thinking about things that have not even occurred that we fail to see that it is sometimes not a big deal after all.
I have been granted so many years of living on earth and even though we don't know when we will go, we can't be anticipating that day to come right? I know sometimes I toy with the idea of just going by each day as it presented itself in a monotonous fashion. I even secretly wished that I would be sick so that I don't have to come to work or be really sick that I end up in hospital so my family knows how it is like when I am not around. But why think in that manner when we ourselves are not making the necessary changes that at times, may turn our lives around? So we made a mistake...like I made the mistake of wasting my dad's money on a foiled education plan. I was put off by studies for a few years because of financial problems but hey....I tot that if I can sacrifice a bit here and there, and think in a smaller scale...then I can well be on my way to my studies.
Right now, there is a high probability that I may be taking the advanced diploma in Business Studies quite soon which can grant me an entry to the London External Programme if I pass with credits. And it doesn't quite cost a bomb like the university degree. Of course, I would very much want to obtain a degree but if the time is not right, I can wait. It's better than waiting for the sky to fall right?
In terms of my career, I seriously think that I am going nowhere and even though I had originally planned on not to change job this year, I felt that I am no longer up to it. My close colleague has just been transferred to the polyclinic on attachment for 6 months and I have been partnered with this colleague who works according to her mood swings. I know previously, I managed to shut my emotions out whenever she didn't feel like doing this or that...and just carried on some things supposed to be done by her instead. If I told her to do or point out her mistakes on paper, she put on this black face but I have to look out for myself at times too. But right now, I just don't know how long I can put up with her again.
Anyhow, I am also thinking that my department is being run by the management who thinks nothing of staff welfare. I can't imagine that for the next four months starting from April, I have to travel out of my east zone to south zone which can take me to far places like holland and dover. I know it sounds 'exciting' travelling beyond our 'comfort zone' and that change can do us good at times. But why should I be engaging in this when in the end, it is going to benefit the one who created this 'brain child' who chided us with sarcastic remarks when some of us brought up the issue of having to wake up damn early as the places are damn far now.
Also, if travelling exp can be claimed in full, hey I wouldn't mind. But getting an amount less than a week's worth of travel is not THAT worth it. She said that we're lucky we can claim unlike them. Hello? You drive okay? We take public transport. How would YOU know about the morning crowd from point A to point B?
Whatever it is, as I looked through the classifieds yesterday, I found several suitable posts that I had been aiming for. I don't know if this is a sign but whatever it is, I finally muttered the courage to just give it a go. Previously, I would at least apply for one or two posts in a year but now I am determined to just try as many as I can cope. I think 3 years of doing the same thing is enough and even my own fav ex supervisor took the express route of resigning and leaving within 3 days.
He worked so hard since the beginning of this programme and what did he get? No promotions for the last few years including this year and no bonus and no increment. All because our superior who actually had not been in office almost everyday but to attend meetings else where had the cheek to report him to the director claiming he did no such work.
Doesn't she know that he stays back past 7pm doing not just work relating to our department but for other commitees which he took on responsibilities nobody wanted to take. Even my close colleague, who never cried when one by one our other close colleagues started to leave, cried on the phone when talking to him asking why the sudden leave?
Just now, I didn't exactly say that I wanted to leave but I only said that things are not looking up for me in this department. Neither will I get any chances of transfer or upgrading so why stay in a place that doesn't recognise our efforts but is only concerned for their own recognition and eventual promotion while making the small fries like me suffer. The last time they would consider our feelings but now it is just work, work and work.
The little girl may have lost her life at such a young age to someone of extreme cruelty. But I hope she knows that she has been the inspiration for people like me to make the best of what we have or about to have. While she was still living, even though her grandparents are very poor and living on people's kindness in their small flat, her smile in the picture showed that in whatever conditions we are in, we must be happy for what has been granted to us. REST IN PEACE LITTLE GIRL. MAY GOD PROTECT YOUR SOUL.
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