Full Circle
Aiyah, I can say onlie say that much about him..it's best that you just go and check him out yourself. He has his own 'my space' website...you can check out the songs there but for a more acoustic version, go to his website..hehe. oh by the way the website is http://www.myspace.com/jasonmraz
Right..so I always thought that life is such a drag at times...so redundant....nothing seems to be going well. Whether it is work or family.....I just feel like I wanna be alone and not at anyone's beck and call. And I do wish that people will actually listen to me talk...let me pour my heart out...basically just let me say whatever crap I want..but hey, it's not like I have an active social life or what. But I am not complaining coz I ain't that 'forward' anyway....such as making friends at a snap. So if I can fix it..I fix it....if not, then just let it be and make the best out of it. Don't have people calling me to ask how I am or to simply yak on the fon...then I don't call people either la..hee.. Nolah, just basically do things to occupy my time. Well, in regards to my problems like family problems..I would usually convey to my ex partner back at work. She and I get along very well coz of our easy going nature..I guess...and she lets me be who I am...and ain't critical about me. And she's good at listening like she dont try to butt in what I say...by belittling me such as saying that my problem is peanuts compared to hers..something like that. Look, a problem whether big or small...is still a problem. It's just how to face with it and deal with it. I don't really like people who comments too much...like they are some freakin' gawd damn angels...I mean who are you to say so much about me? What's so freakin perfect about you?!
Look, I don't get that offended easily whatever people wanna say about me....if your opinions are honest and yeah...perhaps I should look at it from other people's point of view...instead of just being so self conscious. Okay, so people make mistakes...I make mistakes too but not all of us are ready to accept that they make mistakes. Even if they do, they may twist the story around and push the blame to others...whom they reckon is the cause of the mistake. Speak for myself, sometimes i try to protect my ass by covering up the mistakes but what ticks me...is when people are just so 'quick' at pointing other people's mistakes...time and time again. I know people will always assume also that they are just saying it coz they are simply concerned. Know what? I thank you for your concern..but it will become MY concern if everything that I do...or many of the things that I do...you raise an eyebrow. It's so freakin' irritating if people are just so 'free' la. Look I know I'm just human so what i do, may not be in the best of interests of other people at times...it just sets us apart. So..big deal! Like hello? Have you done a reality check on yourself recently or you think that you're some sort of model citizen?
I dont know what the f**k my supervisor is trying to do..the young and imbecile f**ker that she is. It didn't mean that she felt that her share of work is heavy, mine is light k? If you don't know the full story....if you refuse to listen to what I have to say...then bloody hell, just shut the f***k up! I was simply so freakin mad at her.....in my absence, she blatantly told her staff consisting of two zones (since my ex supervisor cum friend resigned)...how she had to go up and down to Human Resource dept to settle the project that we did last year. Our project was so cocked up (this was what she said exactly)..compared to the other zone which my friend cum ex supervisor was in charge of. She had no f**kin' idea what the hell the project was about.....she just keep pointing and pointing...and f**kin'ly point out the mistakes...without knowing the background of it. I never said that was the final product..freak...and I told you what the f**kin' problems we had with this project including our supervisor before her who simply never lent a hand or even took a look at our written report except to sign blindly. And also how our team members didn't really chip in any help. And it was hard enough for me to lose sleep and explain the going ons with the team members..like almost everything was offered on a plate. I did ask for idea contributions which I was glad some did response but in case, I was stuck..I prepared in advance. If I don't know what the hell some things are about...I can't explain..so sometimes it takes me hours before I can understand the whole thing. And the f**k she had to say? Our project cocked up...F**k HER!!
If you're not happy, just voice out to me..instead of being non the tactful by announcing to everybody else. Gawd....I had never been so mad...I tried to understand from her point of view as she is pretty new being given this position just two months back. And our ex supervisor wasn't that much of a supervisor as secretly, he had been settling his transfer to another department. But I get mad...because she didn't watch her mouth and became a loudspeaker..she's so freakingly insensitive to other people's feelings...it doesn't take a genius to tell you that belittling other people infront of others without any knowledge of what I had gone through to do this project...will only make people lose respect towards you. I have lost my respect to you...I just have no time entertaining people like her. She also said that she did not nominate anyone for the staff of the quarter award as she didn't find anyone capable enough. Well, guess what woman? Like hell you are capable! We don't care if we're capable or not in your books..we just don't polish your shoes for some quarters. We won't go down that low.
Whatever...I cool off easily. BUt I don't forget that easily either. Things like this..all this finger pointing...all these accusations....without knowing the truth or even refusing to hear what others have to say...i just don't have the time for it la. Like how Jason Mraz describes life as one full circle. Life IS wonderful...it really is....but sometimes we forget to appreciate that. Life can be gloomy at times so if you see how 'happy' and 'shiny' some people are...everytime you see them...do you think they are really THAT happy? Sure they may be genuinely happy...and it shows through them...their hair..their teeth..whatever. But we can't deny that some things are bound to bring grief...sorrow....unhappiness. Sometimes we can get over it through our own capabilities...at times, we need the help of others. Whatever it is, the best that we can do is not to rely on short cuts...they're too risky. It only shows that we are weak. So what if it takes time to get over that gloomy period...as long as we come out of it safely without hurting anyone in the process.
I can onlie seek for people to understand that at this point of time, I am not being quite myself. I try to shake off my blues...and yeah, sometimes I get over it for awhile until it starts to come flooding back again. Sometimes I think that my life is getting meaningless...I don't get appreciated for even the simplest thing I do for myself or the things I do for other people whether I like it or not. But to be reprimanded for the things that I tried to do but not quite the best to some other people or simply making one small mistake, gets me down. At times, I don't quite feel it..like what the hell...but at times, it strikes me hard like how my supervisor criticised the project which I took a lot of effort and sleepless nights..doing..sans guidance. But like I said..some things that happen...which I cannot control...slowly accumulates into a ball..and strikes me hard. At times..I don't know what makes me so gloomy. I try to brush it off....and for awhile, I can bear with it...as long as I live by the motto that if I can't do anything about it, just have to live with it so just gawd damn make it better.
But f**k...it's not that easy. I am slowly trying to live each single day...appreciating that I get to see the light of day till the light flickers to a calm and lonely night. Appreciating that I get to make my day better than the previous day. However weird it sounds, I find solace at night. No disturbances...music playing in the background..me typing furiously at my blog letting go of pent up frustrations or telling people what currently rocks my world. At times, I indulge in some hobby like doing montages. It makes me forget my sorrow by channeling my energy into doing that artwork on my computer. I stay up even longer if want to 'extend' my waking hours...especially on days where I am not looking forward to the next day. Like now.
It helps to just embrace the stillness of night as it makes my sleep more comforting. If I don't feel like playing the computer, I will turn in a bit early but won't sleep immediately but make up dreams in my head like some movie. I get to go on an enchanted trip...as I forget whatever things that make me sad and forlorn. It's just like my soul has left my body for awhile to explore the other dimensions of the world..the world that I have made up.
Well, as long as I am still breathing and still in my healthy form...I must make the best use of my time. And I don't need distractions...people can say what they want to say...make me do what I don't want to do....just as long as I don't suffer physical torture from it, I try to keep my sanity in check. I'll get through this dark period..u'll see. In fact, I start to slowly get ready to face yet another day...after day..and after day. Just don't hurry me...but support me.
p/s: mighty mighty sorry for the profanities used in this entry. I know I don't usually write in tht manner but I was freakin' pissed off. But now I am better..considering I have started to use 'freakin' instead of that word. Okay, see I can't put myelf to typing that vulgar word out...even with asteriks. Haha..im in my normal clean cut mode...guess life IS a full circle.
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