Depression
i don't know if I had woken up on the right side of the bed..contrary to cliche waking up on the wrong side...but somehow as i opened my eyes (couldn't figure out what time that was)..i suddenly had this thought. FOr days on end, I felt so..err...crummy. Everything seemed to be going downhill. I just didn't know what I was doing..felt so dazed. I felt so hyper sensitive over everything including my mum's daily orders for me to go out buy food or groceries and then me coming back with bags of stuffs. One part of me I don't want to neglect my family but another part, I don't want to waste my time doing things like these. For gawd's sake, I am a daughter and a sister in the family and not some indonesian maid or what. then there was me also entertaining thoughts about work like how shitty it is going to be. My partner of two months and my buddy for the past few years of working in this same department. YOu could say that she is the onlie one who keeps me sane even though she's just like me. She's not too bewildered by our superbly annoying supervisor's tall order to make her do the counselling at some polyclinic for the next 6 months. Where else for me..the thoughts of not having to work with or even see her for those 6 months somehow affected me quite badly. And PLUS! I had to work with a partner whom I am not really too happy about it. I mean I used to remember her working style depends on her mood like if she wants to do this or do that...she would do them but if she didn't want to do something, well happy doing for me.
Anyhow, only last year did I not work with her but with another partner whom I was pretty okay with. Then again, there were some problems which I didn't really address as I wasn't quite bothered with it. I just went by with my loosely put together motto which was to just wrap things up and then go home early. Still, I couldn't be too choosy can i? There is not such thing as a GOd Sent partner. I don't even know if people hate or love working with me. So, how can I even be choosy?
Whatever it was, I wanted to bring myself out of this desperation. I even happened to read an article about depression and felt that maybe I was having this as depression can range from a mild one to an almost uncontrollable one. I figured mine could be because I am just so clouded by thoughts of work and how difficult it is going to be especially working with other people who are already half hearted being stuck in this same profession. Also, knowing that for the next four months, I will have to travel far beyond my comfort zone to the other side of sunny singapore. Cringe..cringe..cringe!
Yeah, so like I said earlier, I woke up monday morning suddenly thinking that hey....I don't want to be sad anymore. For me, no point thinking about it. Just adopt a 'dont care' attitude. Whether or not she wants to work, not my problem. If I can do it within my abilities, just do it. More importantly is that once work is completed, I want to go home in peace. Then earlier on, I was so damn desperate to get a new job by updating my resumes and sending out to a few potential employers. But right now, when I thought about it, I didn't think that it is a bad thing to seek for new job opportunities. It is just a matter of change and also I get to work in a hopefully better environment where staff welfare is still a top concern. Not like right now where what they say we have to follow strictly and any other opinions are worth voicing out but not without any criticisms like as if our opinions are worthless. They give us space to talk but that's about it...talk without any promises of a solution or talk so that the environment is more 'lively' so that we won't breathe in stale air.
Whatever. Just as I was holding to desperation the other time, I felt a bit more relaxed like okay....fine if I don't get it. mighty fine la if I could clinch an interview but if not, then don't fret over it. I'll just continue on..or look for other job opportunities.
Then sometimes I realise that the more negatively I tot about something, the worse I feel. Life is short, ain't it? What's the point of thinking about stuffs that will only put an upside down smile on your face? Sometimes, we think that things are going to be ugly and scary..like venturing into some unknown jungle and then meeting some half naked cannibals who have never eaten for days...and there I am waiting to be mauled.
But once it finally happened, I tot..hey it wasn't as bad as I expected it to be like I tot working under some other person beside my partner would be too much to bear. I mean, like I said....some people just dont have this positive vibe in them anymore or they just simply not happy they had to travel so far to my zone for work. It's like I just stole their favourite bolster. I mean I tried to be as understanding as I can helping them along the way to make them feel 'welcomed'. I tried to make little conversations with them which met with monotonous answers or even silence like I was talking to myself. BUt hey, I really had no hard feelings. I could onlie listen to their personal agony of travelling so far for the next few days for my partner's coverage.
Then, with my undying patience (haha...like real) and my ever helpful gestures towards them so that they wouldn't feel like a stranger when with me...won them over a bit. They started to joke a bit and we were getting along just fine. Then okay, my day felt a bit better end of the day even though I would still cringe to go to work next day. But what matters most is that I don't go home with work problems.
Slap anyone who asks you to just snap out of it and wake up to reality. Nobody asked to be in this fix anyway just like how many people would say 'why me?' as if they are the onlie human beings on earth so naturally, any life threatening illnesses will go to them. TOuch wood.
It may take time before we can finally stand on our own two feet but I think that it's not just a matter of snapping the fingers and then poof! You are problem-free or worry-free. That's a sick joke. We're not hiding some miracle cure in our soul that will be released once we snap our fingers. So things may take time..then let it be la....why force yourself? Important thing is that, we try. Like okay, I am not in favour with my current supervisor who doesn't quite understand our work flow well enough to understand us. But her youth and relatively new working life as a supervisor seem to put pressure on all of us as she lacks the impatience and humility of the seasoned ones. Like if she wants things done now or done her way, she wants it like that..no if's and no but's even as we seek her understanding when we couldn't comply with her.
We are not trying to make life difficult for her...as what she once proclaimed...but this is our workflow. We couldn't abandon or hurry our work in the field so that we would comply with her instruction to go back office asap apparently to do some unfinished work or last minute training. But to her...she didn't really see what was the big deal behind our field work that we couldn't go back office at her stated date or time or both.
I don't know...I mean yeah nobody likes to let things 'hanging' either..but neither do we like to just give some slapstick shitty work which in the end, we have to be answerable for and not her if mistakes are made. Like I just find her super annoying but at the same time, I know her lack of experience and training make up the percentage of her super annoyance. Still, can't she sometimes use her brains and see other people's viewpoints at times. You can't be so damn freakin' rigid. That's the quickest way to die or lost points with your staff. She is definitely high on my super annoying people list.
The onlie thing I could think positively about her is that she doesn't flinch if she has to come down at times to do our work if our zone is short of staff. She's killing me with her constant calls and sms-es...haiz...don't everytime call and call la....i have a life you know. I mean..please la....sunday is not a working day for me and how can you..at 10.30am in the morning, had the nerves to sms me to email the additions to some two page report she briefed to me last friday...latest by afternoon. ON A DAMN SUNDAY...she HAD to sms me in such a manner..ppfft...'latest by afternoon'....ppftt..go away, i'm too busie throwing darts at the picture of your face.
Right...calm down rahayu....have to constantly remind myself that she is still untrained as a supervisor...relatively new (though still bloody annoying and irritating)...to realise that the last thing she should do is to plead to us whenever we have difficulties conforming to her requests. It is not that we cannot but we seek that she learns to be more compromising and understanding. That's all..we're practically fuss-free la. I know that I doubt she likes us that much either coz I figured that maybe she's thinking we're difficult to work with or what...but we can't be entertaining her all the time too like some spoilt child.
Haiz...again..whatever...just don't give me some stupid tall order on a sunday and then calling me in the evening to shoot me condemning questions regarding the project I did with the group. Hello..friendly reminder..the last time I checked, I DON'T work on Sundays.
So yeah....I am determined not to let my life sink into depression and I fully accept the fact that it's ok if I don't feel alright instantly. Also, if some things don't work out as planned, then it's ok. More importantly, is to learn from our mistakes or to make do with what we have to our best abilities. Like my father's fund, no doubt we don't have as much as we did the last time though I tried my very best to sustain it. But I can't control my mum's spending habits or her temper if I tell her not to overspend. Sometimes she's really the sort who drives me up the wall...Still, I am still quite satisfied that in a way, it has not dwindled to merely a couple of zero's.
Like I've explained before, if I can't fully control her, at the very least I can control myself coz previously, due to my over-enthusiasm..i kinda overspent a bit..Hee. But I have mellowed a lot. Even amidst my mild depression days, I did a lot of thinking. I thought about my father...who has to struggle in keeping his diabetes in check and have laser treatment for his eye condition every week. Then I also think about how much he treasures his fund not just for own sake but for ours. I felt really horrible even though before that taxi ride where I mentioned about wanting to continue my studies, I already wanted to start 'afresh'. Horrible in a sense that the fund which we got last August and some time in January wasn't that much as before though I would say...still in an okay range. But my mum argued that the amount she spent was almost equal to the money she had used up for the house payments deducted from her cpf. It was her rights. So, then again, I tot..k...so she had a point there.
Haiz..so it is back to me again, eh? I made a promise to myself to save up double of what I tried to save every month last year. This is definitely a huge huge challenge as after deducting my mum's share of my salary and also the bills which I have to foot, I am not left with that much. Still, can survive la but need to sacrifice. Well, okayla...maybe the time when we got some money from our share profits, was also during the sales season. I was glad that I got clothes that I would only touch or just see-see but never buy previously. So yeah...to me..things like clothes and shoes...I can survive NOT buying them anymore for the next few months. Only thing left is just for food and transport. Whatever la...as long as I have set aside some for savings.
I want to be an independent young woman..not one who goes on living without a clue. I want to have a secure future...and Im sure a lot of other women share this same thought as me. Right now, I dont want to dwell on the past....what I know is that I tried my best. Only thing left to do now is to think about the future..mine and my family. That's worth sacrificing not buying new clothes and new shoes.
Anyhow, only last year did I not work with her but with another partner whom I was pretty okay with. Then again, there were some problems which I didn't really address as I wasn't quite bothered with it. I just went by with my loosely put together motto which was to just wrap things up and then go home early. Still, I couldn't be too choosy can i? There is not such thing as a GOd Sent partner. I don't even know if people hate or love working with me. So, how can I even be choosy?
Whatever it was, I wanted to bring myself out of this desperation. I even happened to read an article about depression and felt that maybe I was having this as depression can range from a mild one to an almost uncontrollable one. I figured mine could be because I am just so clouded by thoughts of work and how difficult it is going to be especially working with other people who are already half hearted being stuck in this same profession. Also, knowing that for the next four months, I will have to travel far beyond my comfort zone to the other side of sunny singapore. Cringe..cringe..cringe!
Yeah, so like I said earlier, I woke up monday morning suddenly thinking that hey....I don't want to be sad anymore. For me, no point thinking about it. Just adopt a 'dont care' attitude. Whether or not she wants to work, not my problem. If I can do it within my abilities, just do it. More importantly is that once work is completed, I want to go home in peace. Then earlier on, I was so damn desperate to get a new job by updating my resumes and sending out to a few potential employers. But right now, when I thought about it, I didn't think that it is a bad thing to seek for new job opportunities. It is just a matter of change and also I get to work in a hopefully better environment where staff welfare is still a top concern. Not like right now where what they say we have to follow strictly and any other opinions are worth voicing out but not without any criticisms like as if our opinions are worthless. They give us space to talk but that's about it...talk without any promises of a solution or talk so that the environment is more 'lively' so that we won't breathe in stale air.
Whatever. Just as I was holding to desperation the other time, I felt a bit more relaxed like okay....fine if I don't get it. mighty fine la if I could clinch an interview but if not, then don't fret over it. I'll just continue on..or look for other job opportunities.
Then sometimes I realise that the more negatively I tot about something, the worse I feel. Life is short, ain't it? What's the point of thinking about stuffs that will only put an upside down smile on your face? Sometimes, we think that things are going to be ugly and scary..like venturing into some unknown jungle and then meeting some half naked cannibals who have never eaten for days...and there I am waiting to be mauled.
But once it finally happened, I tot..hey it wasn't as bad as I expected it to be like I tot working under some other person beside my partner would be too much to bear. I mean, like I said....some people just dont have this positive vibe in them anymore or they just simply not happy they had to travel so far to my zone for work. It's like I just stole their favourite bolster. I mean I tried to be as understanding as I can helping them along the way to make them feel 'welcomed'. I tried to make little conversations with them which met with monotonous answers or even silence like I was talking to myself. BUt hey, I really had no hard feelings. I could onlie listen to their personal agony of travelling so far for the next few days for my partner's coverage.
Then, with my undying patience (haha...like real) and my ever helpful gestures towards them so that they wouldn't feel like a stranger when with me...won them over a bit. They started to joke a bit and we were getting along just fine. Then okay, my day felt a bit better end of the day even though I would still cringe to go to work next day. But what matters most is that I don't go home with work problems.
Slap anyone who asks you to just snap out of it and wake up to reality. Nobody asked to be in this fix anyway just like how many people would say 'why me?' as if they are the onlie human beings on earth so naturally, any life threatening illnesses will go to them. TOuch wood.
It may take time before we can finally stand on our own two feet but I think that it's not just a matter of snapping the fingers and then poof! You are problem-free or worry-free. That's a sick joke. We're not hiding some miracle cure in our soul that will be released once we snap our fingers. So things may take time..then let it be la....why force yourself? Important thing is that, we try. Like okay, I am not in favour with my current supervisor who doesn't quite understand our work flow well enough to understand us. But her youth and relatively new working life as a supervisor seem to put pressure on all of us as she lacks the impatience and humility of the seasoned ones. Like if she wants things done now or done her way, she wants it like that..no if's and no but's even as we seek her understanding when we couldn't comply with her.
We are not trying to make life difficult for her...as what she once proclaimed...but this is our workflow. We couldn't abandon or hurry our work in the field so that we would comply with her instruction to go back office asap apparently to do some unfinished work or last minute training. But to her...she didn't really see what was the big deal behind our field work that we couldn't go back office at her stated date or time or both.
I don't know...I mean yeah nobody likes to let things 'hanging' either..but neither do we like to just give some slapstick shitty work which in the end, we have to be answerable for and not her if mistakes are made. Like I just find her super annoying but at the same time, I know her lack of experience and training make up the percentage of her super annoyance. Still, can't she sometimes use her brains and see other people's viewpoints at times. You can't be so damn freakin' rigid. That's the quickest way to die or lost points with your staff. She is definitely high on my super annoying people list.
The onlie thing I could think positively about her is that she doesn't flinch if she has to come down at times to do our work if our zone is short of staff. She's killing me with her constant calls and sms-es...haiz...don't everytime call and call la....i have a life you know. I mean..please la....sunday is not a working day for me and how can you..at 10.30am in the morning, had the nerves to sms me to email the additions to some two page report she briefed to me last friday...latest by afternoon. ON A DAMN SUNDAY...she HAD to sms me in such a manner..ppfft...'latest by afternoon'....ppftt..go away, i'm too busie throwing darts at the picture of your face.
Right...calm down rahayu....have to constantly remind myself that she is still untrained as a supervisor...relatively new (though still bloody annoying and irritating)...to realise that the last thing she should do is to plead to us whenever we have difficulties conforming to her requests. It is not that we cannot but we seek that she learns to be more compromising and understanding. That's all..we're practically fuss-free la. I know that I doubt she likes us that much either coz I figured that maybe she's thinking we're difficult to work with or what...but we can't be entertaining her all the time too like some spoilt child.
Haiz...again..whatever...just don't give me some stupid tall order on a sunday and then calling me in the evening to shoot me condemning questions regarding the project I did with the group. Hello..friendly reminder..the last time I checked, I DON'T work on Sundays.
So yeah....I am determined not to let my life sink into depression and I fully accept the fact that it's ok if I don't feel alright instantly. Also, if some things don't work out as planned, then it's ok. More importantly, is to learn from our mistakes or to make do with what we have to our best abilities. Like my father's fund, no doubt we don't have as much as we did the last time though I tried my very best to sustain it. But I can't control my mum's spending habits or her temper if I tell her not to overspend. Sometimes she's really the sort who drives me up the wall...Still, I am still quite satisfied that in a way, it has not dwindled to merely a couple of zero's.
Like I've explained before, if I can't fully control her, at the very least I can control myself coz previously, due to my over-enthusiasm..i kinda overspent a bit..Hee. But I have mellowed a lot. Even amidst my mild depression days, I did a lot of thinking. I thought about my father...who has to struggle in keeping his diabetes in check and have laser treatment for his eye condition every week. Then I also think about how much he treasures his fund not just for own sake but for ours. I felt really horrible even though before that taxi ride where I mentioned about wanting to continue my studies, I already wanted to start 'afresh'. Horrible in a sense that the fund which we got last August and some time in January wasn't that much as before though I would say...still in an okay range. But my mum argued that the amount she spent was almost equal to the money she had used up for the house payments deducted from her cpf. It was her rights. So, then again, I tot..k...so she had a point there.
Haiz..so it is back to me again, eh? I made a promise to myself to save up double of what I tried to save every month last year. This is definitely a huge huge challenge as after deducting my mum's share of my salary and also the bills which I have to foot, I am not left with that much. Still, can survive la but need to sacrifice. Well, okayla...maybe the time when we got some money from our share profits, was also during the sales season. I was glad that I got clothes that I would only touch or just see-see but never buy previously. So yeah...to me..things like clothes and shoes...I can survive NOT buying them anymore for the next few months. Only thing left is just for food and transport. Whatever la...as long as I have set aside some for savings.
I want to be an independent young woman..not one who goes on living without a clue. I want to have a secure future...and Im sure a lot of other women share this same thought as me. Right now, I dont want to dwell on the past....what I know is that I tried my best. Only thing left to do now is to think about the future..mine and my family. That's worth sacrificing not buying new clothes and new shoes.
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