Zonk Out
Hey..
I admit i sounded rather harsh yesterday in my previous post..sometimes, I just don't understand why people think or say such things. dont they ever put themselves in other people's shoes and see how it's like being that person and if ever they are placed in the same situation, would they eventually break down like urs truly? Or is it easier to just point ur finger accusingly at the other person and assume that his or her mentality is that of a child? Sighzz..sometimes, i tell myself when I get rather mad or annoyed at certain people that hey..if not for these people, life would be rather boring. Everyone will have this great big giant smile on their face and we're like friends or even family to one another. For me..I'd rather be friends with the animals than with people..at least, they are not fake unless of coz they're doing their camoufla-ging thing. So, IF..ever people are made to be so freakin' perfect; each and every single one of them...I wouldn't have a clue as to who is telling the truth..or who is merely showing a facade. Better to explode right infront of you rather than spread the words behind ur back while showing a well composed demeanour hinting NOTHING of their backstabbing duty to you.
So let's just put any bad feelings behind and just continue with life's journey as per usual. Jz think that there is a huge chunk of people probably holding on to their dear life whose light will be put off anytime. I cannot imagine the doctors giving me a time frame to live. Would I still carry on with an undying hope that I will get to see my brother graduate...see myself buy a new car..see who my boyfriend is going to be (*crosses finger*..with jonathan rhys-meyer's looks)..or will I still get to continue my studies and eventually hold a degree? Endless possibilities..but unfortunately, being cut short with that darn 'time period'. It's like we dont want people to tell us what to do..but what if they're telling something that we dont want to hear..but it's the bloody truth..and that we can't run away from the real fact of life?
U know what? We're just humans created to live the life in the rough and pick ourselves up whenever we fall..clean the blood stain off..and then move on to where we have put our mind to it. Im one of those people who dont let myself linger on where I land and then grimace in pain. I trip and fall...brush the dust off my knees..and walk like it never happened or nobody ever looked my way. But there are two things that are happening in this kind of situation: either I Chose to ignore the fact that I DID fall but too proud to show the effect of it or the next time I try to be careful so that I wont fall again.
I am still not happy over my mum not letting me to meet my friend coz she didn't want me to run away from my responsibility of buying back home food. Plus, she felt that I am being 'played' by my friend to follow whatever she asked me to do which includes to go out with her. Well, if it's being done almost everyday, I would understand her concern. But the last time I met her was more than two weeks ago and is there anything to simply catch up with her and then just talk to maintain the friendship? Perhaps she doesnt want to associate with her friends anymore from back then when she was still working and having this bunch of colleagues cum good friends. She may not be interested in keeping in touch with them..coz for all she knows, she has moved on. But it doesnt mean she has to apply the same concept to me. When we were in trouble, or even when I was in trouble myself..sometimes, relatives who share the same bloodline as you..cant even lift a finger to help you. Friends, with no family ties whatsoever to you...stretch their arms out and help you in a way that they can. She may want to live a life as a hermit..limiting herself to only a handful of good trusted friends...but for me, I wouldn't mind not having a wide circle of friends. I have garnered enough life lessons to teach me that true friends are hard to find. But friends, like you and I..we're bound to be imperfect somewhere like sometimes, there are things or qualities that I dont like in some friends but we don't let such hung ups affect our thinking about them. For all I know, I am perhaps the most annoying being on earth..but they still cling on to me as a friend because maybe..as a friend myself..I am doing a pretty good job.
So i want to give credit to them by being a friend to them..not just in words..but as a whole being to be there for them when they want someone to talk to or just chill out with. I dont see any matter why I have to be strictly tied down to my family responsibilities and even in the midst of work, I have been asked to take cab rides back and forth to send back home food before restarting my work after lunch. It's like..dont i ever get to eat? what's one hour man..during lunch? It's too short for a double cab rides not inclusive of queueing up to buy food..waiting for the food to be prepared..waiting for the cabs (twice)..and then the journey back up my flat and down again all the way to the polyclinic im attached to for ds week.
Ok Im rather exasperrated that Im not being treated like I have my own life to lead whether at home or at work. People throw tantrums over something I was not able to do due to a lack of time (for goodness sake, it was time to go back and I didnt have time to keep my bag coz of my supervisor's stupid childish briefing)...and then how quickly they forget that all this time, who has been doing the work? I don't know if it is common practice to address people's shortcomings much easily rather than the hard work that they have been putting in. Just like one celebrity who said that she has been charity work outside her glamorous lifestyle and then when she makes one mistake, the whole media is on to her not even once writing down or even mentioning about her charity work.
So the hottest news make people ever the curious. Even though I have never fancied her acting or her singing, she does make a point. Work? I've been asked to do favours like so many times..almost every work..covering people's duty as they sit and home nursing their poor health. Complain? what is there to complain...I can't argue coz this is part of the contract so just have to bear with it. Make noise about it also..there is no point as you'll be labelled easily as 'hostile' coz of their inabilities to judge the difference between a body language that shows unreasonable hostility and a body language that shows 'you are crossing the line already and dont expect me to smile and pretend you didn't say such things to me'.
My point is..people have the right to get angry as long as it makes sense and I don't kill anyone in the process from extreme anger. I...am sometimes puzzled why people behave in a way that will only bring about hurt and a heck lot of unfairness. I dont see any logic in their reasonings and I am not about to let myself drown in their 'disability' of making a fair judgment. However, I do disappoint myself at time for over-reacting. Last Wednesday, I over-reacted. Anybody would be angry as well if placed in my situation of conforming to my family's wants each and every single day..and then not letting me have a chance to just 'take a hike' and get out of the usual monotonous lifestyle. It may be my chance to keep my sanity in check..but guess what...I didnt get that chance at all last Wednesday and I was majorly upset while still going about my responsibilities to my family after cancelling the chance to meet my fren.
But right now, I just need to chill out a bit and take things slow. Then dont let people get me down too easily. You know what. I can just pretend nothing ever happened and then just go about doing my things like how i fell and then walk away like nothing ever happened although it hurts like hell as I walked. I'm tired. Not tired of living. But tired of putting up with this masquerade. However, I'm trying to do a recall here. I want to re-focus on my objectives. I want to stick to my motto to simply 'zonk out' or 'tune out' the unpleasant moments..or the unpleasant things I have to do..but the faster I do, the faster I get rid of those shitty moments right? Oh well..I have the answer to that.
Oh, one last thing. I want to apologise to Jason Mraz for dissing his song "life is wonderful'. Not that I don't like his song..infact I love it..but after that last incident, I thought that it describes life as if it is so freakin' perfect and we should just kick back our heels and smell the flowers. however, I begged to differ when I had a dream about him just before I was about to open my eyes and sighz..get ready for work...and the dream was that I was hugging him and apologising to him for saying that Life isn't as wonderful as you think it is. I mean I didnt get to see him upfront closely and neither did I have a good look at his face except for his side view. But dude..that guy is skinny and wearing a pink shirt...it's UNDENIABLY Jason Mraz..and then when I woke up, I thought that the dream was trying to tell me something. As if saying that hey..life will always be wonderful..it's how you lead it or how other people mistreat your life that we're unable to accept that there is such a thing called 'loving thyself'. We put ourselves down...we hang our head down low in misery..because of how people perceive ourselves to be like either we exist and they dont like it or we don't exist at all.
It takes two hands to clap. For one thing to happen, another thing has to happen. If I want to have some peace and quiet or have some 'ME' time away from the distractions created by my family, I mz make good use of the time where for once, I am not being disturbed in my own comfort zone. For example, times like this, I can type out my blog...I can plan what I want to do later..clean up my room...and I should also console myself by saying that hey..at least they dont disturb me 24 hours a day. However, I still am rather puzzled as to how I can some 'time off' with my friend or friends coz as far as im concerned, last Saturday I did go out twice to get them what they need before running off again to meet my friend. Maybe she has issues not me....I just hope there will be a little voice in her saying that she shouldn't control my life too much and that I have a right to my happiness as well so long as I perform my family duties. There are times when some things happen and it's not our fault. We can be bearing every single fault and if we believe we ain't do nothing wrong..then stick to that thought. I can't be bothered too much about people's attitude if it ever going to put me down. I can't afford to put a frown on my face as if it's second nature already. Rahayu deserves her space and she has said it once and she'll say it again...YOu respect my life..and I'll respect yours back.
I admit i sounded rather harsh yesterday in my previous post..sometimes, I just don't understand why people think or say such things. dont they ever put themselves in other people's shoes and see how it's like being that person and if ever they are placed in the same situation, would they eventually break down like urs truly? Or is it easier to just point ur finger accusingly at the other person and assume that his or her mentality is that of a child? Sighzz..sometimes, i tell myself when I get rather mad or annoyed at certain people that hey..if not for these people, life would be rather boring. Everyone will have this great big giant smile on their face and we're like friends or even family to one another. For me..I'd rather be friends with the animals than with people..at least, they are not fake unless of coz they're doing their camoufla-ging thing. So, IF..ever people are made to be so freakin' perfect; each and every single one of them...I wouldn't have a clue as to who is telling the truth..or who is merely showing a facade. Better to explode right infront of you rather than spread the words behind ur back while showing a well composed demeanour hinting NOTHING of their backstabbing duty to you.
So let's just put any bad feelings behind and just continue with life's journey as per usual. Jz think that there is a huge chunk of people probably holding on to their dear life whose light will be put off anytime. I cannot imagine the doctors giving me a time frame to live. Would I still carry on with an undying hope that I will get to see my brother graduate...see myself buy a new car..see who my boyfriend is going to be (*crosses finger*..with jonathan rhys-meyer's looks)..or will I still get to continue my studies and eventually hold a degree? Endless possibilities..but unfortunately, being cut short with that darn 'time period'. It's like we dont want people to tell us what to do..but what if they're telling something that we dont want to hear..but it's the bloody truth..and that we can't run away from the real fact of life?
U know what? We're just humans created to live the life in the rough and pick ourselves up whenever we fall..clean the blood stain off..and then move on to where we have put our mind to it. Im one of those people who dont let myself linger on where I land and then grimace in pain. I trip and fall...brush the dust off my knees..and walk like it never happened or nobody ever looked my way. But there are two things that are happening in this kind of situation: either I Chose to ignore the fact that I DID fall but too proud to show the effect of it or the next time I try to be careful so that I wont fall again.
I am still not happy over my mum not letting me to meet my friend coz she didn't want me to run away from my responsibility of buying back home food. Plus, she felt that I am being 'played' by my friend to follow whatever she asked me to do which includes to go out with her. Well, if it's being done almost everyday, I would understand her concern. But the last time I met her was more than two weeks ago and is there anything to simply catch up with her and then just talk to maintain the friendship? Perhaps she doesnt want to associate with her friends anymore from back then when she was still working and having this bunch of colleagues cum good friends. She may not be interested in keeping in touch with them..coz for all she knows, she has moved on. But it doesnt mean she has to apply the same concept to me. When we were in trouble, or even when I was in trouble myself..sometimes, relatives who share the same bloodline as you..cant even lift a finger to help you. Friends, with no family ties whatsoever to you...stretch their arms out and help you in a way that they can. She may want to live a life as a hermit..limiting herself to only a handful of good trusted friends...but for me, I wouldn't mind not having a wide circle of friends. I have garnered enough life lessons to teach me that true friends are hard to find. But friends, like you and I..we're bound to be imperfect somewhere like sometimes, there are things or qualities that I dont like in some friends but we don't let such hung ups affect our thinking about them. For all I know, I am perhaps the most annoying being on earth..but they still cling on to me as a friend because maybe..as a friend myself..I am doing a pretty good job.
So i want to give credit to them by being a friend to them..not just in words..but as a whole being to be there for them when they want someone to talk to or just chill out with. I dont see any matter why I have to be strictly tied down to my family responsibilities and even in the midst of work, I have been asked to take cab rides back and forth to send back home food before restarting my work after lunch. It's like..dont i ever get to eat? what's one hour man..during lunch? It's too short for a double cab rides not inclusive of queueing up to buy food..waiting for the food to be prepared..waiting for the cabs (twice)..and then the journey back up my flat and down again all the way to the polyclinic im attached to for ds week.
Ok Im rather exasperrated that Im not being treated like I have my own life to lead whether at home or at work. People throw tantrums over something I was not able to do due to a lack of time (for goodness sake, it was time to go back and I didnt have time to keep my bag coz of my supervisor's stupid childish briefing)...and then how quickly they forget that all this time, who has been doing the work? I don't know if it is common practice to address people's shortcomings much easily rather than the hard work that they have been putting in. Just like one celebrity who said that she has been charity work outside her glamorous lifestyle and then when she makes one mistake, the whole media is on to her not even once writing down or even mentioning about her charity work.
So the hottest news make people ever the curious. Even though I have never fancied her acting or her singing, she does make a point. Work? I've been asked to do favours like so many times..almost every work..covering people's duty as they sit and home nursing their poor health. Complain? what is there to complain...I can't argue coz this is part of the contract so just have to bear with it. Make noise about it also..there is no point as you'll be labelled easily as 'hostile' coz of their inabilities to judge the difference between a body language that shows unreasonable hostility and a body language that shows 'you are crossing the line already and dont expect me to smile and pretend you didn't say such things to me'.
My point is..people have the right to get angry as long as it makes sense and I don't kill anyone in the process from extreme anger. I...am sometimes puzzled why people behave in a way that will only bring about hurt and a heck lot of unfairness. I dont see any logic in their reasonings and I am not about to let myself drown in their 'disability' of making a fair judgment. However, I do disappoint myself at time for over-reacting. Last Wednesday, I over-reacted. Anybody would be angry as well if placed in my situation of conforming to my family's wants each and every single day..and then not letting me have a chance to just 'take a hike' and get out of the usual monotonous lifestyle. It may be my chance to keep my sanity in check..but guess what...I didnt get that chance at all last Wednesday and I was majorly upset while still going about my responsibilities to my family after cancelling the chance to meet my fren.
But right now, I just need to chill out a bit and take things slow. Then dont let people get me down too easily. You know what. I can just pretend nothing ever happened and then just go about doing my things like how i fell and then walk away like nothing ever happened although it hurts like hell as I walked. I'm tired. Not tired of living. But tired of putting up with this masquerade. However, I'm trying to do a recall here. I want to re-focus on my objectives. I want to stick to my motto to simply 'zonk out' or 'tune out' the unpleasant moments..or the unpleasant things I have to do..but the faster I do, the faster I get rid of those shitty moments right? Oh well..I have the answer to that.
Oh, one last thing. I want to apologise to Jason Mraz for dissing his song "life is wonderful'. Not that I don't like his song..infact I love it..but after that last incident, I thought that it describes life as if it is so freakin' perfect and we should just kick back our heels and smell the flowers. however, I begged to differ when I had a dream about him just before I was about to open my eyes and sighz..get ready for work...and the dream was that I was hugging him and apologising to him for saying that Life isn't as wonderful as you think it is. I mean I didnt get to see him upfront closely and neither did I have a good look at his face except for his side view. But dude..that guy is skinny and wearing a pink shirt...it's UNDENIABLY Jason Mraz..and then when I woke up, I thought that the dream was trying to tell me something. As if saying that hey..life will always be wonderful..it's how you lead it or how other people mistreat your life that we're unable to accept that there is such a thing called 'loving thyself'. We put ourselves down...we hang our head down low in misery..because of how people perceive ourselves to be like either we exist and they dont like it or we don't exist at all.
It takes two hands to clap. For one thing to happen, another thing has to happen. If I want to have some peace and quiet or have some 'ME' time away from the distractions created by my family, I mz make good use of the time where for once, I am not being disturbed in my own comfort zone. For example, times like this, I can type out my blog...I can plan what I want to do later..clean up my room...and I should also console myself by saying that hey..at least they dont disturb me 24 hours a day. However, I still am rather puzzled as to how I can some 'time off' with my friend or friends coz as far as im concerned, last Saturday I did go out twice to get them what they need before running off again to meet my friend. Maybe she has issues not me....I just hope there will be a little voice in her saying that she shouldn't control my life too much and that I have a right to my happiness as well so long as I perform my family duties. There are times when some things happen and it's not our fault. We can be bearing every single fault and if we believe we ain't do nothing wrong..then stick to that thought. I can't be bothered too much about people's attitude if it ever going to put me down. I can't afford to put a frown on my face as if it's second nature already. Rahayu deserves her space and she has said it once and she'll say it again...YOu respect my life..and I'll respect yours back.
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