Shy Guy
gee...i sound like im advertising my single status on friendster. good thing the views dont come in drones. word for guys looking to 'fish' for some girls who are parading themselves on friendster..tsk..im so not the one for you. why? coz im a bloody shy moron. while other girls would suddenly perk up and lose their inhibitions as if trying to impress when infront of good looking guys who are talking to them jz like any female buddies of them, I...gain this incredible sense of shyness. That is also known as 'gibberish talker'....'I want to find the nearest hole to hide in'.....or....'Im not being myself...infact....Im being a clown'. Yup, my friend Az or MARIAH (haha..sorrie..I just love calling you that..) had complained about that before like how I seriously need to loosen up a bit and man..I did try...but suddenly my body is 'possessed' by this invisible entity like in the show supernatural (hi jensen!).
the unfortunate thing is that my own colleagues know about this and they did try to encourage me to just...you know...'go for it'..whatever that means or I'll never find 'the one'. They said that I can't be shy forever and I must make myself more approachable. And they'll continue rambling (yawns..) how I am actually pretty lah....I am a nice girl lah....how I so want to stuff socks in their mouths lah..but seriously, let's address the real issue here people! I don't think I like the idea of people trying to jumpstart on my non-existing love life and I don't find it wrong in any way to not think about being tied down at this age of the twenties. To me, this is an age of discovery. It is also an age where you are trying to survive adulthood and being right smack in the middle of it, the challenges are just getting harder and so at this point of time, I think I just don't want to add on any more commitments that will drain my time and energy. I dont find guys a waste of time..seriously....they're cute..or gorgeous...and how I want to twirl one round my fingers and have him at my beck and call while showing him off as some expensive accessory but if I have not find one who is willing to fill in that post, I can wait.
Therefore, let me present to you the real issue here. I am just too shy with guys. Why? I don't know. Maybe I know but we shall explore the underlying reasons later through thorough analysis (like in the crime lab of the Miami dade police dept aka CSI). The thing is that even in my own newly formed cluster of working with different colleagues after years of working with the same people...they too have come to know of this strange habit of mine. One of them knew about it already and had always been encouraging. While my partner had just found out very recently. Well, we have this new driver who delivers our equipments to the schools and also send out our letters plus other things that need to be sent out prior to our field work. Okay...he's good looking and even though he's 31 (this info..thanks to the kaypoh or busybody leader of ours who have the 'priviledge' of knowing these drivers' IC numbers) he does not look that age. Infact, just like what I told Mariah, he looks just like one of those promising actors out of channel 8 or a model. Okaylah...he does not look twenty-ish either coz he does not have that babyface look but rather a more manly look. But he's definitely good looking. The fact that he's newly married would make it easier in a way that you know he is not uhm..'prowling'...and treat every single as a potential if you know what I mean. STill...dunno why Im freaking shy.
Infact, Im shy with guys in general whether they're fugly..good looking...married..single..or gay. It's like I have just discovered this entire new species on earth and Im approaching them with caution as if who knows what kind of aliens have landed here. You know..I don't even have to say Im shy or what but I'll give out this vibe so strong that you have to be an idiot if you don't catch the signal. Me and my partner are just not thick skinned enough to ask for a lift from him in his van maybe coz we think we're capable of travelling and don't think we need to ask for any trouble from him. I mean..it's hard enough to carry those things even though he did that in a jiffy like he lifts weights everyday. Sidetracking a bit here. Im so admirable of guys like these who don't look beefy at all but can appear to be slim or a tad bit skinny but boy..can they carry those things even up and down a flight of staircase while I tsk..struggle to even lift the plastic box containing things from one place to another less than a metre away and therefore resorting to dragging. I guess men are strong in general so don't be fooled by their physical appearance or the lack of it although I cant say the same for my ex supervisor Dicky though..hehe..
Back to the story. So me and my colleague were in this entirely new area for us and both of us had not covered here before in Ang Mo Kio during our years of field work. For me, I have been to AMK before but not really the housing board areas and so far, I am not familiar with the buses too. So I got incredibly lost which sucks coz I swear I studied the map carefully. So me and my colleague ended up taking the cab halfway separately coz the place was just too far in for us and being newcomers, it was not easy finding the way.
Therefore, once we wrapped up our screenings and the driver was about to carry the things out and my colleague was passing some things to the school staff, he asked if we would like to ride in his van since it was pretty far in. I was apprehensive at first but since I had no idea how to get here either I could not refuse and asked a stupid question as if I didn't know it already. I asked if there was enough space and he said yes lah but only one can sit infront and the other one sit behind. Mind you this is not a van meant for passengers. It's like one of those typical small van where you load things at the back. It had been a long long time since I rode in one and to me it has always been exciting..hehe.. When my partner lamented on how the heck we were getting out of here, I told her not to worry coz he volunteered to bring us out but I emphasized that I didnt ask him..he asked me..so it is not like I developed a sudden thick skin like the rest of our colleagues..haha..
Since one of us had to sit behind, she said that she would do that because I was wearing skirt while she was wearing pants so it would be easier for her to climb up, sit in there and climb down where else I was wearing skirt. But I told her I can sit behind lah coz Im too shy to sit infront with him and she can at least have some things to talk about with him where else I don't. Plus, I like sitting behind on top of the protruding wheel casing inside the van..hehe..I thought I made quite a good decision lah considering the journey unexpectedly became longer as we travelled from Ang Mo Kio right till behind Chinatown Point there via the highway and the tunnels. But I could see he would look at his rear view mirror at times to check if I was alright even though initially it was quite irritating at first when he turned back like two three times and asked if I was okay till I plugged in my mp3 player. Tsk..like as if I got any other choice of places to sit. And my partner had to rub it in at first when we both got inside and she told him that Im shy.....wey...I gave you the opportunity to sit infront with him so dont disclose my secret lah..but I thought he didn't take note of it until the next day.
Next day, the school was thankfully easier to find and just behind a community centre along the main road. So walking out could be done in a jiffy compared to the school the day before. After 12pm, I was alone because my covering partner had to go for an appointment but uhm....I had a headache seeing her walk up and down and packing things halfway and looked restless so I said she can go off while I tried to finish up the paperwork. He came by to pick the things up and was shocked to see me alone but I told him why. Then he asked if I wanted him to bring me out but since the main road was just round the corner I said no it's okay. But he flashed me a cheeky smile and said..'why? shy ah?' Tsk...and I protested by saying no..Im not! Do I look like Im shy? Dang! And I thought he didnt hear my colleague saying that to him about me..But when I went out of the gate he asked me if I had my lunch and I said no..later...and then he asked me again..'sure or not you don't want a lift in my van?' I mean it's stupid if I take the van when he just had to go round the bend and poof..there's the main road. Maybe he meant bringing me to a centralised area so I can have my lunch or what..I dunno...Okay the truth was that Im just too shy to ask if he can bring me to the interchange or the mrt station or what since I was heading there but it didn't help that I was alone and that would mean...*gulp*..sitting beside him in the van even though it was not that far away. Arggh!! Shyness overload!! And the fact that he's cute and chinese...argh!!! DOUBLE shyness overload!
Yes Rahayu was being overly dramatic. It's not just that...I just cannot talk to guys whether is it him or any other guys like the previous drivers who are just as married...young like him..or older than him...and if I had to talk and co ordinate with them as to what time they would reach or what time they must come, words came out hard. If words do come out, they would be either inaudible or I would have trouble making eye contacts with them and have problems forming sentences. Even short phrases sounded constipated and I'd find myself grinning to cover up for my shyness. Any other female colleagues who are older and more matured with many being married already dont seem to have such problems and they can joke around with them and talk to them at ease even interviewing them and ask the all mighty question which is 'are you married?'. I even have problems asking them if they had their lunch already if the pick up was in the afternoon as I didn't want to hurry them unnecessarily.
But my problem doesn't just lie with the drivers at work. I have said that it is a general problem. I remembered trying to resolve this problem of mine by treating them just like the girls where I am more at ease talking to. It worked for awhile but after a long long absence of contacts with guys and now that guys are better looking than back in those days when I was still struggling with teenagehood, it is harder. Maybe it comes with the pressure of trying to maintain my current single status because Im not ready to settle down just yet so I become more cautious when I talk to guys or in contact with them because I don't want to send the wrong signals. In the first place, I am not a hot looker or one with a body that can rival J Lo anytime..or even Beyonce my alter ego..hehe...so I don't know why Im so freakin scared of them and wish that Im simply a single girl who loves to bask in the attention of these men with short attention span for that one moment of glory. I'd be lying if I say that I don't wish for guys to look my way coz it will somehow make you feel 'special' but then again, this is not applicable for all kinds of guys if you know what I mean.
Okay, you know what? Today I was determined to lose some inhibitions with guys and not treat them as if they're some exclusive species that need a special language to talk to. Well, it kinda worked when I told myself there is nothing to be scared of. Just talk as per normal when I had to call up my driver to ask him to pick up my equipments but I had to make small talk first because I didn't want to sound instructing like ask him where he was and then telling him the approximate time to come and not to hurry but just complete the task he was doing at that time before coming here. So he had a nice typical manly voice but yet again...I practised self control and tried to talk as clear as possible and guess what? I managed it! I was calm and didnt sound like some teenager talking nervously with her boyfriend for the first time..heh..
When he came, again I tried to practise self control like not panicking easily and just complete packing up in time which he also helped along too. Everything ran smoothly and I was happy I didnt suffer from a nervous breakdown despite the fact that the guy's already married. So I learn that I don't have to be so extra friendly with guys in general and it is okay if I can't talk on the same level as my other female peers who have the gift of the gab because it is only going to be pressurising. It helps too that this driver of ours is not like the previous drivers that treated me differently from the rest maybe because they thought that Im too scared of them so they were better off talking on such friendly terms with the rest of my colleagues. He's friendly but not picky so he treats every one of us equally and I think that helps because I don't feel like Im forced to talk to him thanks to his customer service background which he left behind as he hates office politics but loves working outdoors.
To me this may be a good starting point to make myself feel less inferior when around them. And please don't think Im falling in love with him already k and not because I don't want to get into trouble but you know....I don't get smitten by someone easily. But I have this feeling that he's at ease talking to me rather than to my other colleagues coz a few times he asked me instead of them even when they were busy talking and joking with him especially in the office when he sent back the laptops for downloading. Before that I just kept quiet or smiled along at them forever teasing him because I know they just adored him so much when they cant stop praising him and saying what a nice and friendly chap he is. There are other instances too but maybe coz I look like Im around his age while the rest are more senior and also probably am the only one who had not subjected him to a series of interrogative questions regarding his personal life..hehe. He probably reminded them of their ex boyfriends or their husbands during their heydays and he's just being polite. So for once, I didn't feel so left out compared to last time with the other drivers but probably because he's not as talkative as them either..haha..
Still, don't expect dramatic changes from me and Im not going to be all up for grabs either for guys. I still think guys in general are getting fussier in their choice of women to talk to even as friends because it is all about boosting their ego. Maybe I am wrong and boy I hope I am actually or I'll start hating them for their insensitive feelings towards bigger girls like me. Okay whatever with them. Let's concentrate on making myself less alienated from them and from what I see, this is going to be a HUGE task for me...sighz..............can't I just stick to being shy and timid around the rest of the male population while making an exception for the driver...hehe...
the unfortunate thing is that my own colleagues know about this and they did try to encourage me to just...you know...'go for it'..whatever that means or I'll never find 'the one'. They said that I can't be shy forever and I must make myself more approachable. And they'll continue rambling (yawns..) how I am actually pretty lah....I am a nice girl lah....how I so want to stuff socks in their mouths lah..but seriously, let's address the real issue here people! I don't think I like the idea of people trying to jumpstart on my non-existing love life and I don't find it wrong in any way to not think about being tied down at this age of the twenties. To me, this is an age of discovery. It is also an age where you are trying to survive adulthood and being right smack in the middle of it, the challenges are just getting harder and so at this point of time, I think I just don't want to add on any more commitments that will drain my time and energy. I dont find guys a waste of time..seriously....they're cute..or gorgeous...and how I want to twirl one round my fingers and have him at my beck and call while showing him off as some expensive accessory but if I have not find one who is willing to fill in that post, I can wait.
Therefore, let me present to you the real issue here. I am just too shy with guys. Why? I don't know. Maybe I know but we shall explore the underlying reasons later through thorough analysis (like in the crime lab of the Miami dade police dept aka CSI). The thing is that even in my own newly formed cluster of working with different colleagues after years of working with the same people...they too have come to know of this strange habit of mine. One of them knew about it already and had always been encouraging. While my partner had just found out very recently. Well, we have this new driver who delivers our equipments to the schools and also send out our letters plus other things that need to be sent out prior to our field work. Okay...he's good looking and even though he's 31 (this info..thanks to the kaypoh or busybody leader of ours who have the 'priviledge' of knowing these drivers' IC numbers) he does not look that age. Infact, just like what I told Mariah, he looks just like one of those promising actors out of channel 8 or a model. Okaylah...he does not look twenty-ish either coz he does not have that babyface look but rather a more manly look. But he's definitely good looking. The fact that he's newly married would make it easier in a way that you know he is not uhm..'prowling'...and treat every single as a potential if you know what I mean. STill...dunno why Im freaking shy.
Infact, Im shy with guys in general whether they're fugly..good looking...married..single..or gay. It's like I have just discovered this entire new species on earth and Im approaching them with caution as if who knows what kind of aliens have landed here. You know..I don't even have to say Im shy or what but I'll give out this vibe so strong that you have to be an idiot if you don't catch the signal. Me and my partner are just not thick skinned enough to ask for a lift from him in his van maybe coz we think we're capable of travelling and don't think we need to ask for any trouble from him. I mean..it's hard enough to carry those things even though he did that in a jiffy like he lifts weights everyday. Sidetracking a bit here. Im so admirable of guys like these who don't look beefy at all but can appear to be slim or a tad bit skinny but boy..can they carry those things even up and down a flight of staircase while I tsk..struggle to even lift the plastic box containing things from one place to another less than a metre away and therefore resorting to dragging. I guess men are strong in general so don't be fooled by their physical appearance or the lack of it although I cant say the same for my ex supervisor Dicky though..hehe..
Back to the story. So me and my colleague were in this entirely new area for us and both of us had not covered here before in Ang Mo Kio during our years of field work. For me, I have been to AMK before but not really the housing board areas and so far, I am not familiar with the buses too. So I got incredibly lost which sucks coz I swear I studied the map carefully. So me and my colleague ended up taking the cab halfway separately coz the place was just too far in for us and being newcomers, it was not easy finding the way.
Therefore, once we wrapped up our screenings and the driver was about to carry the things out and my colleague was passing some things to the school staff, he asked if we would like to ride in his van since it was pretty far in. I was apprehensive at first but since I had no idea how to get here either I could not refuse and asked a stupid question as if I didn't know it already. I asked if there was enough space and he said yes lah but only one can sit infront and the other one sit behind. Mind you this is not a van meant for passengers. It's like one of those typical small van where you load things at the back. It had been a long long time since I rode in one and to me it has always been exciting..hehe.. When my partner lamented on how the heck we were getting out of here, I told her not to worry coz he volunteered to bring us out but I emphasized that I didnt ask him..he asked me..so it is not like I developed a sudden thick skin like the rest of our colleagues..haha..
Since one of us had to sit behind, she said that she would do that because I was wearing skirt while she was wearing pants so it would be easier for her to climb up, sit in there and climb down where else I was wearing skirt. But I told her I can sit behind lah coz Im too shy to sit infront with him and she can at least have some things to talk about with him where else I don't. Plus, I like sitting behind on top of the protruding wheel casing inside the van..hehe..I thought I made quite a good decision lah considering the journey unexpectedly became longer as we travelled from Ang Mo Kio right till behind Chinatown Point there via the highway and the tunnels. But I could see he would look at his rear view mirror at times to check if I was alright even though initially it was quite irritating at first when he turned back like two three times and asked if I was okay till I plugged in my mp3 player. Tsk..like as if I got any other choice of places to sit. And my partner had to rub it in at first when we both got inside and she told him that Im shy.....wey...I gave you the opportunity to sit infront with him so dont disclose my secret lah..but I thought he didn't take note of it until the next day.
Next day, the school was thankfully easier to find and just behind a community centre along the main road. So walking out could be done in a jiffy compared to the school the day before. After 12pm, I was alone because my covering partner had to go for an appointment but uhm....I had a headache seeing her walk up and down and packing things halfway and looked restless so I said she can go off while I tried to finish up the paperwork. He came by to pick the things up and was shocked to see me alone but I told him why. Then he asked if I wanted him to bring me out but since the main road was just round the corner I said no it's okay. But he flashed me a cheeky smile and said..'why? shy ah?' Tsk...and I protested by saying no..Im not! Do I look like Im shy? Dang! And I thought he didnt hear my colleague saying that to him about me..But when I went out of the gate he asked me if I had my lunch and I said no..later...and then he asked me again..'sure or not you don't want a lift in my van?' I mean it's stupid if I take the van when he just had to go round the bend and poof..there's the main road. Maybe he meant bringing me to a centralised area so I can have my lunch or what..I dunno...Okay the truth was that Im just too shy to ask if he can bring me to the interchange or the mrt station or what since I was heading there but it didn't help that I was alone and that would mean...*gulp*..sitting beside him in the van even though it was not that far away. Arggh!! Shyness overload!! And the fact that he's cute and chinese...argh!!! DOUBLE shyness overload!
Yes Rahayu was being overly dramatic. It's not just that...I just cannot talk to guys whether is it him or any other guys like the previous drivers who are just as married...young like him..or older than him...and if I had to talk and co ordinate with them as to what time they would reach or what time they must come, words came out hard. If words do come out, they would be either inaudible or I would have trouble making eye contacts with them and have problems forming sentences. Even short phrases sounded constipated and I'd find myself grinning to cover up for my shyness. Any other female colleagues who are older and more matured with many being married already dont seem to have such problems and they can joke around with them and talk to them at ease even interviewing them and ask the all mighty question which is 'are you married?'. I even have problems asking them if they had their lunch already if the pick up was in the afternoon as I didn't want to hurry them unnecessarily.
But my problem doesn't just lie with the drivers at work. I have said that it is a general problem. I remembered trying to resolve this problem of mine by treating them just like the girls where I am more at ease talking to. It worked for awhile but after a long long absence of contacts with guys and now that guys are better looking than back in those days when I was still struggling with teenagehood, it is harder. Maybe it comes with the pressure of trying to maintain my current single status because Im not ready to settle down just yet so I become more cautious when I talk to guys or in contact with them because I don't want to send the wrong signals. In the first place, I am not a hot looker or one with a body that can rival J Lo anytime..or even Beyonce my alter ego..hehe...so I don't know why Im so freakin scared of them and wish that Im simply a single girl who loves to bask in the attention of these men with short attention span for that one moment of glory. I'd be lying if I say that I don't wish for guys to look my way coz it will somehow make you feel 'special' but then again, this is not applicable for all kinds of guys if you know what I mean.
Okay, you know what? Today I was determined to lose some inhibitions with guys and not treat them as if they're some exclusive species that need a special language to talk to. Well, it kinda worked when I told myself there is nothing to be scared of. Just talk as per normal when I had to call up my driver to ask him to pick up my equipments but I had to make small talk first because I didn't want to sound instructing like ask him where he was and then telling him the approximate time to come and not to hurry but just complete the task he was doing at that time before coming here. So he had a nice typical manly voice but yet again...I practised self control and tried to talk as clear as possible and guess what? I managed it! I was calm and didnt sound like some teenager talking nervously with her boyfriend for the first time..heh..
When he came, again I tried to practise self control like not panicking easily and just complete packing up in time which he also helped along too. Everything ran smoothly and I was happy I didnt suffer from a nervous breakdown despite the fact that the guy's already married. So I learn that I don't have to be so extra friendly with guys in general and it is okay if I can't talk on the same level as my other female peers who have the gift of the gab because it is only going to be pressurising. It helps too that this driver of ours is not like the previous drivers that treated me differently from the rest maybe because they thought that Im too scared of them so they were better off talking on such friendly terms with the rest of my colleagues. He's friendly but not picky so he treats every one of us equally and I think that helps because I don't feel like Im forced to talk to him thanks to his customer service background which he left behind as he hates office politics but loves working outdoors.
To me this may be a good starting point to make myself feel less inferior when around them. And please don't think Im falling in love with him already k and not because I don't want to get into trouble but you know....I don't get smitten by someone easily. But I have this feeling that he's at ease talking to me rather than to my other colleagues coz a few times he asked me instead of them even when they were busy talking and joking with him especially in the office when he sent back the laptops for downloading. Before that I just kept quiet or smiled along at them forever teasing him because I know they just adored him so much when they cant stop praising him and saying what a nice and friendly chap he is. There are other instances too but maybe coz I look like Im around his age while the rest are more senior and also probably am the only one who had not subjected him to a series of interrogative questions regarding his personal life..hehe. He probably reminded them of their ex boyfriends or their husbands during their heydays and he's just being polite. So for once, I didn't feel so left out compared to last time with the other drivers but probably because he's not as talkative as them either..haha..
Still, don't expect dramatic changes from me and Im not going to be all up for grabs either for guys. I still think guys in general are getting fussier in their choice of women to talk to even as friends because it is all about boosting their ego. Maybe I am wrong and boy I hope I am actually or I'll start hating them for their insensitive feelings towards bigger girls like me. Okay whatever with them. Let's concentrate on making myself less alienated from them and from what I see, this is going to be a HUGE task for me...sighz..............can't I just stick to being shy and timid around the rest of the male population while making an exception for the driver...hehe...
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