Mental Exhaustion
rahayu.........so..........sick.........'hA-ChOOooOoO!!'..thats an actual sneeze. It's one of those...no warning whatsoever sneezes that I had been having since yesterday ever since my 'little flu' (as stated in my previous entry) has graduated into runny mucus and my nose all clogged up.
There's some things that I wanted to blog about but was too tied up with teaching my bro just now and since he slept earlier and woke up around 9 plus. I had to endure my clogged up and dripping with flu nose while thinking through the maths questions which I was teaching him from a past exam paper. Sometimes I just think that I have no life or that the sacrifices or the mistakes that I have made are just too much to bear and I wish I could escape from them or pretend they all had never happened. But Im just human...and these kind of things are considered 'normal'. Of course I have learnt from them and has tried to change for the better by not going back to the past. Still, I do face the dilemma of my past mistakes and it can be a very tiring affair.
I do feel dumbfounded at times like what am I supposed to do even though only God knows that each day, I try my very best to not make any single mistake or I have to bear the consequences later. It's easier to say that I wont do any crime because I dont want to end up in jail later as that will be such a major mistake. Im talking about the smaller mistakes that can be just as bad like you feel your whole life has been placed behind invisible prison bars. Without Wentworth Miller...I dont believe I can still crack a joke.
But you know what? I must still be grateful. Many people go through difficult times in their lives and there are those who are destined to be in that kind of state for the rest of their living years. But they still carry on living...still able to put a smile on their face....still look forward to seeing each day as a new beginning...and still want to help others in times of hardship even though they are struggling themselves.
Such people give life a new meaning nevermind if things have not gone according to what they have planned because of the undesirable situations they are facing. So far, I am grateful I have not made any brash decisions yet but of course, I feel so 'distanced' with myself that I don't know if there is anything left in store for me. Plus, the fact that snippets of my past still do haunt me even though I have tried my best to steer them away from me by giving them what they want but they just wont let you go that easy. Sometimes I just don't know what to do plus the fact that I have been keeping them to myself do drain me mentally. I actually dont have to face these problems alone but I don't want to drag anyone else down for as long as I can as I still feel that no matter what, it is still part of my responsibility. The only thing that I did promise to myself is that I will not be so naive anymore and because of what I have gone through, I have become too cautious and too pessimistic. I have always been a positive thinker or at least have the ability to 'block' my mind temporarily so I can focus on whizzing past the things I dread to do or look forward to. So far it has worked for me well but it can be exhausting mentally and physically that so much so I....fall sick like this.
This flu and bad cough is the far end of it...usually I do get symptoms of getting ill like spinning headaches when I get back home or a bad sore throat but will get better later the next day or after the weekend. I guess....I think it's time for me to take a mental break coz Im just so exhausted right now. Im just gonna charge through my life and not think about how it can get me down at times. It is not as if everyone is having an easy time except me. I just want to have some inner peace of my own.
There's some things that I wanted to blog about but was too tied up with teaching my bro just now and since he slept earlier and woke up around 9 plus. I had to endure my clogged up and dripping with flu nose while thinking through the maths questions which I was teaching him from a past exam paper. Sometimes I just think that I have no life or that the sacrifices or the mistakes that I have made are just too much to bear and I wish I could escape from them or pretend they all had never happened. But Im just human...and these kind of things are considered 'normal'. Of course I have learnt from them and has tried to change for the better by not going back to the past. Still, I do face the dilemma of my past mistakes and it can be a very tiring affair.
I do feel dumbfounded at times like what am I supposed to do even though only God knows that each day, I try my very best to not make any single mistake or I have to bear the consequences later. It's easier to say that I wont do any crime because I dont want to end up in jail later as that will be such a major mistake. Im talking about the smaller mistakes that can be just as bad like you feel your whole life has been placed behind invisible prison bars. Without Wentworth Miller...I dont believe I can still crack a joke.
But you know what? I must still be grateful. Many people go through difficult times in their lives and there are those who are destined to be in that kind of state for the rest of their living years. But they still carry on living...still able to put a smile on their face....still look forward to seeing each day as a new beginning...and still want to help others in times of hardship even though they are struggling themselves.
Such people give life a new meaning nevermind if things have not gone according to what they have planned because of the undesirable situations they are facing. So far, I am grateful I have not made any brash decisions yet but of course, I feel so 'distanced' with myself that I don't know if there is anything left in store for me. Plus, the fact that snippets of my past still do haunt me even though I have tried my best to steer them away from me by giving them what they want but they just wont let you go that easy. Sometimes I just don't know what to do plus the fact that I have been keeping them to myself do drain me mentally. I actually dont have to face these problems alone but I don't want to drag anyone else down for as long as I can as I still feel that no matter what, it is still part of my responsibility. The only thing that I did promise to myself is that I will not be so naive anymore and because of what I have gone through, I have become too cautious and too pessimistic. I have always been a positive thinker or at least have the ability to 'block' my mind temporarily so I can focus on whizzing past the things I dread to do or look forward to. So far it has worked for me well but it can be exhausting mentally and physically that so much so I....fall sick like this.
This flu and bad cough is the far end of it...usually I do get symptoms of getting ill like spinning headaches when I get back home or a bad sore throat but will get better later the next day or after the weekend. I guess....I think it's time for me to take a mental break coz Im just so exhausted right now. Im just gonna charge through my life and not think about how it can get me down at times. It is not as if everyone is having an easy time except me. I just want to have some inner peace of my own.
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