So Tired

Actuallie, this was written days ago but blogger wasn't working that time. So, come to think of it, I forgot what it was about..hehe..

Well...I haven't been writing for awhile eh? I have been super tired each day and I don't know if that is because I am mentally or physically drained. But sometimes, maybe it's a good thing coz i turn in bed earlier (by that I mean before 1 or 2am in the morning). I guess it's the work too...I hate it when I have to go screening in a school with a huge enrolment which takes up two or more weeks. But what to do...it's not as if I can pick and choose the schools to go to. What I get is basically what I have to do..Sigh...Anyhow, not one to let myself down easily, I just try to give my best and not think about it too much and jz do it and let the day carries itself out till the end. Uhm..it helps a tad bit lah when I emerge myself in my work and then like eh? The time passed by so quickly already ah?


Oh, and maybe coz i havent exactly eaten regularly everyday. No, in case you think this is my latest diet craze, I wanna clarify with you, I have never been on a diet. I told you i'm like 'whatever!' already with people who think that I have additional help. They questioned me and maybe coz they thought my answers were too standardized that even a child can say them like cutting down on food and exercising..that sorta stuffs. Oh, but I found out that they were mostly puzzled coz they thought it was a rather dramatic weight loss like I really lost inches like that. Seriously, I took more than a year. Anyway, the EXACT reason why I haven't been eating on a regular basis especially during lunch hour coz of the location of my work. Today I had just wrapped up screening in the school situated right smack in the middle of the circle line operations. So if I go to the school or out of there, I see constructions and construction workers who probably never saw women before especially the gorgeous ones. And no, I wasn't referring to myself. I mean, in a way, maybe i either remind them of their wives back then in their homeland or they want to make me their wife, I dunno..and who cares. The only way to get to food is to take a bus out of that stretch of road to the main road outside. But being limited on time (like one hour where got enough to squeeze lunch and travelling back and forth) and also coz we have to rush against time to start screening on time too, the only way is to survive on whatever we have.


Okay, we did get to eat lah on certain days on the way back to office. Oh yeah, that journey was tiring too coz almost everyday we have to go back just after finishing the last child and then wrapping everything up for that day inclusive of packing all the stuffs in for next day. Haiz, and also the stress of trying to cope financially coz my mum and my brother still act as if my father is well and working on a regular basis. Im sad enough that he's not working like he used to..which was everyday. Though he may not earn so much, it's still enough to hold the weight of our household daily expenses. I know I should be focusing on making sure that he is healthier and that his eyesight is better after the second operation but, I seem to get easily distracted. My mind always seemed to go back to the times when his eyesight were not as poor as now and flashbacked to the day when he had double appointment but I didn't take leave on that day. It wasn't coz I didn't want to but I took two days of leave already the week before and in my line of work, obtaining leave last minute is not a very good thing. Everybody would be hounding me. I was also thinking that I need to maintain my leaves not for my own enjoyment already but coz I have to reserve for the days he need to go for apppointments. At that time it was as regular as once a week.


Sometimes, I don't know if I make things worse while thinking in terms of my father's benefit. My main concern is for him to get better and at least still secure his job for the family. I know that his side of family isn't exactly too happy ever since that day when he missed his appointment at the eye clinic. I am really sore about it coz I felt that I was hugely responsible for his current state now. Even though he already went for his operation for the left eye, I still think that it is not enough. He is still struggling to see and I thought it was coz he didn't take his medication for his high blood pressure. Yet again, I felt responsible coz I should have known that he may not be able to see the fine prints on the medicine label. My father's strong independence and his determination to not coz trouble to pepole, make him more angrier maybe at himeself or the family..I dunno. But I can understand his struggles from someone who is so used to working everyday and bringing in income for the family. I am trying to make things easier for him by helping to buy him dinner since my mum is forever on her 'I wont cook' strike and then buying other foods like his bread and milk to eat at anytime. I have been preparing his medicine twice everyday since last saturday so at the very least he is fit enough for his operation instead of it being postponed to so many days.


At this moment, only one of my colleagues whom I have been working ever since I joined the company first year, has been sharing her experiences taking care of her mum. And also knowing that Im not alone when it comes to taking care of the parents coz our parents are not exactly 'young' anymore. All of us, at certain point of our time, will experience signs of aging in terms of deteriorating health.
I know a few friends or colleagues already of which they're all around my age who are also worried over one of their parents health conditions. Knowing about this is a slight comfort coz we're all trying to learn and cope with the situation. I guess now is the time when we have to start thinking about the family and how our parents used to work so hard to earn money to put food on the table, keep the water running and the lights on. It's not an easy task but if they can cope with us, the children, who played with the water or refusing to eat what they cooked coz they look greenish and sluggish (They're called vegetables by the way) I guess we have to change our mentality.


Talking about changing our mentality, I seriously think some people need to just take a break...and possibly look for a new job as well. I mean I appreciate their help when they come to my team whenever my partner is on medical leave. I don't really wanna talk much about it but yet again, she reported sick in the morning and being good friends with the doctor made life easier, if u know what I mean. When I was so sick during or just before the fever drained me of what little energy I have already, I was hardly asked if I wanted a one day or two days leave. I asked then they would give me an MC. If not, I keep quiet and so will they. Two days? Forget it. That would only be given to me if, touch wood, I get yet another full blown skin disease like the 1994 chicken pox.


Seriously, I am sick and tired of hearing everyone who had to cover her to complain and complain about the management and how they had to come to help. Look, maybe it's unfortunate enough that they had to travel to my school to help but sometimes, things can't be helped. I have my own family or personal issues to cope with other than the workload and having a partner that is M.I.A. or S.I.C.K on certain 'convenient' days of the week. Right now, saving up money is my main motivation which I try to psyche myself with whenever I feel down about my work. I understand when they said that they had to be deployed which meant having to travel yet again from their current destination of which they had just arrived only. It's even more frustrating that they are not being let off even when they have a family crisis like their child fell ill but they still have to come to work coz there are no others to deploy out.


But do you think it is gonna help in a major way to just complain and complain when the criteria is written right under our nose that travelling is part of our job. Im not siding with anyone here. I also think that it's unfair too whenever the same people is always being asked while the rest are asked once or twice. But seriously, why whine and whine whenever the opportunities are aplenty outside and we can just leave and jolly well get another job? Even though the job market is bleak, what's the point of staying in a job which don't give u satisfaction but more angry and frustrated instead coz of their lack of staff welfare. Okay, so the management sucks. But really, dont think lah that the world revolves around them only. That only they have work to do, schoolchildren to screen, papers to print, data to enter...I also have so much work to do.


Sometimes the way they put the matter across is only labelling them as being selfish. We all have a part to play and problems to cope. It's not that I like to ask them to come help me. But if they think the demands of the job is pinnin them down, then go find a new one lah. I know I am sounding harsh but seriously, I just hate it lah when people slack totally then leaving another person to clean up the mess. Then the so called help I get have only negative things to say coz they have to divert from their own team or workload to come and help me. I can't help them in anyway...the management doesn't want to employ more people...whatever we say only bounce off the walls, then just look for other alternatives lah. Stop telling me things already. I also have to cover what my colleague at the poly as and when she takes leave. Of coz I don't really like it when I have to travel from school in the afternoon to the poly. But I can't run away from my responsibility either coz it's part of my job and so I just bloody well do it and get it over and done with.


Sometimes, I think people really need to think one more time: what exactly is their motivation for working here. Are they here to earn money to cope with the family expenses or simply wanted to try something new? If they look for flexibility in a job, and this job can't provide it, then go look for another one lah. No point just complain and complain but in the end, it comes back to you coz guess what? It's stated in black and white it is part of our job requirements. You can tell me things and share with me ur frustrations but don't ever make it sound like only you have problems while others don't. Oh, and if you dont like this job already and their performance shows, then get out too lah. Don't try to run away and leave others to clean up the mess. Just get the f out lah..seriously.

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