It's Hard
Haiz..why can't i..for once...not have any health probs in regards to the sensitivity of my skin? It's like practically every month surely one part or two of my body involving the skin will have some kind of problem. Just the beginning this year I have been suffering in silence like tolerating my severely burnt armpits due ONE time usage of deodorant and some other parts also which give me severe discomfort especially when Im hot and sweaty. Oh and last month too I had these 1 cent sized marks appearing mysteriously on my thighs and my lower abs as if they had been stubbed with a cigarette butt at random. And Im not even done yet with my descriptions. Oh, jz as the scars are slowly healing after months of discomfort, yet another one appears. Again, due to one time use of a product and this time it is a branded shampoo of which its ONE time use again, give me great discomfort and a brand new kind of skin ailment. My scalp, on the part above the hairline, have patches like as if Im growing thick patches of scabs.
My initial worry is that I could have dandruff which all these time, I never had one before. But I suspected that it was that shampoo that gave me severe case of itchiness that left my scalp to be covered in reddish lumps which have since turned to scabs. These scabs arent that easy to remove even with shampooing and conditioning. They made me lose my hair coz the scabs clumped my hair roots and so if I comb my hair or run my fingers through it, there will be hair between my fingers. Worse, flaks from the scab will fall on my shirt if I am rather aggressive or persistent in trying to scratch out the flaks. Okay, after a few washes, I don't really feel like im balding anymore and that the scabs are not that widespread or as thick as before. But nevertheless, they are still there and the only advice people give me is to go seek the doctor's opinions. Haiz...I know that money should be the least of my prob now when it comes to treating it before it gets any worse. But i just blew 45 dollars on my flu and other illness when I was hit hard by the flu bug last year of which I never took an mc. So wasted but I felt like I had no other choice coz I already felt bad enough taking leaves at least once or twice a month due to my father's check ups on his eyes. I can only 'repay' it back by trying to come to work everyday even during moments when I was sick to the bone and when my father was hospitalised.
Still, I tainted my personal record when I had to write that stupid record in regards to my punctuality one fine morning. I felt like there is no justice done to me at all like here i am, placing the needs of others before me and what do I get? A tainted record that i have been trying to maintain a good track record all these years. Im not asking for some monetary rewards or what...or a medallion as a token of appreciation of the things I do for my family or my colleagues.
Of course, I do feel at times that I just want to be left alone for once or that I don't get emotionally driven by others that I stop thinking for myself. But I have to accept that this is part of my life and I have to do what I have to do whether or not I like it. I always tell myself that there are other people who may be worse off than me and what I have right now, is considered a luxury to them. We have to be thankful for what we have before they are all taken away. I love my parents and I am not about to let them go coz I still think I need them to be around me. My parents are both of different characters and despite their differences, somehow they are still retaining their relationships. Sure, they do have their disagreements which always end them in a cold war where they just don't talk to each other. And yes, yours truly has to be the middleman..or rather..woman. My mum still thinks that she has yet to find her happiness coz she wants to live in a bigger house with balcony while my father is contented living in this house.
FOr me, I am contented to have at least a rooftop over my head. Then my mum will just sit down at her two fav spots at home just thinking about her probs of wanting to lead a much more comfortable life than now. It used to be about not having enough cash but now, it's about wanting to live in a bigger house like how long we can stay here in our modest four room flat. I don't know man...I guess she is still trapped within her childhood times where life was very difficult. Where else my father thinks that my mum doesn't give a damn about house affairs and him. However, his childhood consisted of living in the kampong village and eating whatever he fancied as he is the only son whose hot temper could intimidate people easily and his parents would give in to his demands.
Strangely, they have a reversal of characters when in adulthood. During their cold wars, which are getting more and more frequent, I have to act like a mediator in between and I don't know if the stress level, which hit me hard in late march, had got to do anything with my current health problems. I never had to face several skin related probs as this in less than a year. last time its frequency was once a year where it would be just my ankles or my fingers or my body like contracting chicken pox which didn't make sense coz so far, I don't recall going anywhere near anybody with that illness.
Whatever it is, my family problems are still on-going but I guess it is quite normal for every family to have their own set of problems. These problems can either drive the family closer or apart depending on how we decide to solve them. FOr me, I jz want to try to think positive and what is worrying me most is about my father's condition which has affected his work. Because of the rather long period of time where his eyes just worsened overnight, he is no longer placed in the permanent position of which he had held on for two years. At first, I had tried to talk him out of quitting his job one day when that vision worsened suddenly. I know that he doesnt not have the heart to quit just yet even though his salary doesn't affect the house payments or utility bills. But whatever income he makes keep the family going. Like as much as I would rather want him to be able to see and work almost everyday like the last time, I can't ignore the fact that he isn't in his best of health nowadays. Even though he had undergone an operation for one of his eyes which did improve his vision and his diabetes and high blood pressure are under control, his health can't be the same like the last time. I do wish things will be back to normal but if they are not, I have to prepare for the worst. For now, at the very least, I should be thankful that he still have a job even though, he can only cover those who can't attend work which isn't everyday. However, as to how frequent he has to cover, depends on his call to his supervisor tmw. Let's hope that his supervisor will still take him in for work. I really really hope so. I don't wish for him to lose his job.
As on my part, I am trying to think positively and do what I can financially to ease the family's burden. While people may be complaining about how tiring this job is getting and how the management is getting way too strict, I can only thank my lucky star that I still have a paying job to keep the family going. I have tried to increase my savings each month which have to involve sacrifices like having lesser money to spend on. Initially, I was determined to save up for my education next year. But now, I feel like maybe I have to postpone my education again because the money that I am trying to save for the fees may well go to the family should anything happen. My brother is still in primary school and he is still in a position where he is clueless in regards to family problems. But I don't want to add on burden to him as he has his own problems of trying to cope with school. The only advice I can offer him is that he must know how to spend his money wisely and save whenever he can and also, life doesn't equate luxury so once in awhile, he can indulge in it but not that often.
So now, starting from today, I have to change my lifestyle a bit. Sure, like I've said before, just because of the problems we are facing, we must deprive ourselves of our own happiness. I like buying new clothes but the only thing is that I have to learn to cut down spending unnecessary money. Like what I told my friend, we only have one life and no matter what, we have to keep going. We don't have to feel guilty if we indulge in moments of happiness like drinking coffee with our friends or buying that superb top. No one has the right to determine our course of life but if in life, if we are facing difficulties, we have to learn to accept the facts and see how best we can relief the situations. I doubt anyone wants to be in sadness or in turmoil for a long time.
Yesterday, I watched the first episode of this new series about Mothers. The series aim to depict the struggles some mums had to go through for the sake of the family and children. Already the first episode touched me tremendously as I saw her determination to give her severely disabled child, who cannot even walk and talk, a quality of life. Anyone else would have a different point of view. She does not even give up on her child and calling him a 'vegetable' will indeed be cruel. He is incapable of moving any of his limbs and is totally dependent on others to move him around. He can only express how he feels through his eye movements and not being able to do anything, he gets bored easily and sleep for long periods of time. His condition also makes him twice his average weight as he cannot move around like any ten year old kids. He is surviving on a respiratory system which hooks him up on wires. Maintaining this machine isn't easy and the costs are rather steep. Any other parents, who may not be able to see their child suffer no more, may choose to take the wires off so he can be 'free'. But she is different. She believes that one day, her child will be normal and she makes sure she sees through it. You're talking about a highly educated malay woman who often isn't the norm especially in the malay society. She used to hold a high flying job as an architect, yet again a male dominated area, and earned big bucks from it. She even had dreams of further pursuing her studies to the point of holding a phD.
But the condition of her son that gets extremely difficult as time goes by forces her to be a stay home mum cutting short her dreams and aspirations. Not once did she ever cry throughout the interview and she spoke so well and was highly articulate, you would think that it is such a great pity knowing that this woman made such a huge sacrifice. She has accepted her fate so well that she doesn't feel the need to cry anymore. The only things that matter to her now is that one day, her son is able to call her mummy and for her to take care of herself so that she is well enough to look after her son. I kept thinking about why won't she jz let him go? Seeing his state of helplessness is torturous enough and I don't know if it is worth all her time taking care of a boy who cannot be left on his own in case the system breaks down and he is unable to breathe. Only she has the answer which she holds on to for the past ten years. Everyday is the same as anything can happen but she makes sure she doesn't let him out of her sight.
And the most touching thing of all...her family and especially her husband is behind her all the way. She does feel that she is missing out so much in life after studying so hard over the years and seeing her ex school mates doing very well in life. But not once, she has given up on her son even in a state very very unlikely he will grow up to be independent.
These are real life examples that we can fall back behind especially for me, whenever I think that I am missing out so much in life. But I hope that God knows that I only have good intentions for my family and I know he is watching out for me and easing any burden or obstacles that I may face. I hope my dad will be better after his next operation end of the month and I hope he is able to keep his job. Right now, my priority is to take good care of myself and be less stress-free as well because stress can put unnecessary pressure on my health. I have been through worse times than this like the unforgettable time when my water and electricity bills were almost cut off. No one could help us..even the ones who were always flaunting their wealth and suddenly when we needed help for a couple of hundreds, suddenly they had a thousand excuses. In the end, someone who isn't even blood related lent a helping hand. I learnt not to judge from her and my mum and me even went as far as helping the very same people who turned our desperate pleas down when they needed our help.
SOmetimes, what goes around comes around and if we do good, hopefully our life will be more smooth sailing ahead and problems are easily overcomed and resolved. This is not the first time I am facing with a hardship and throughout my blog, I have written about the problems that either me or my family faced and so far, we came out strong each time. The last being my father's last operation which gave him back a better vision on his left eye than before. It was nerve wrecking on that day trying to pull myself together as I had never done this before..settling his hospital admission and any necessary paperwork alone. But the next time, I try not to decide alone and ask for a second opinion. I guess at times, we think that no one can offer us a helping hand but u'll never know. Like I said, we're not alone.
My initial worry is that I could have dandruff which all these time, I never had one before. But I suspected that it was that shampoo that gave me severe case of itchiness that left my scalp to be covered in reddish lumps which have since turned to scabs. These scabs arent that easy to remove even with shampooing and conditioning. They made me lose my hair coz the scabs clumped my hair roots and so if I comb my hair or run my fingers through it, there will be hair between my fingers. Worse, flaks from the scab will fall on my shirt if I am rather aggressive or persistent in trying to scratch out the flaks. Okay, after a few washes, I don't really feel like im balding anymore and that the scabs are not that widespread or as thick as before. But nevertheless, they are still there and the only advice people give me is to go seek the doctor's opinions. Haiz...I know that money should be the least of my prob now when it comes to treating it before it gets any worse. But i just blew 45 dollars on my flu and other illness when I was hit hard by the flu bug last year of which I never took an mc. So wasted but I felt like I had no other choice coz I already felt bad enough taking leaves at least once or twice a month due to my father's check ups on his eyes. I can only 'repay' it back by trying to come to work everyday even during moments when I was sick to the bone and when my father was hospitalised.
Still, I tainted my personal record when I had to write that stupid record in regards to my punctuality one fine morning. I felt like there is no justice done to me at all like here i am, placing the needs of others before me and what do I get? A tainted record that i have been trying to maintain a good track record all these years. Im not asking for some monetary rewards or what...or a medallion as a token of appreciation of the things I do for my family or my colleagues.
Of course, I do feel at times that I just want to be left alone for once or that I don't get emotionally driven by others that I stop thinking for myself. But I have to accept that this is part of my life and I have to do what I have to do whether or not I like it. I always tell myself that there are other people who may be worse off than me and what I have right now, is considered a luxury to them. We have to be thankful for what we have before they are all taken away. I love my parents and I am not about to let them go coz I still think I need them to be around me. My parents are both of different characters and despite their differences, somehow they are still retaining their relationships. Sure, they do have their disagreements which always end them in a cold war where they just don't talk to each other. And yes, yours truly has to be the middleman..or rather..woman. My mum still thinks that she has yet to find her happiness coz she wants to live in a bigger house with balcony while my father is contented living in this house.
FOr me, I am contented to have at least a rooftop over my head. Then my mum will just sit down at her two fav spots at home just thinking about her probs of wanting to lead a much more comfortable life than now. It used to be about not having enough cash but now, it's about wanting to live in a bigger house like how long we can stay here in our modest four room flat. I don't know man...I guess she is still trapped within her childhood times where life was very difficult. Where else my father thinks that my mum doesn't give a damn about house affairs and him. However, his childhood consisted of living in the kampong village and eating whatever he fancied as he is the only son whose hot temper could intimidate people easily and his parents would give in to his demands.
Strangely, they have a reversal of characters when in adulthood. During their cold wars, which are getting more and more frequent, I have to act like a mediator in between and I don't know if the stress level, which hit me hard in late march, had got to do anything with my current health problems. I never had to face several skin related probs as this in less than a year. last time its frequency was once a year where it would be just my ankles or my fingers or my body like contracting chicken pox which didn't make sense coz so far, I don't recall going anywhere near anybody with that illness.
Whatever it is, my family problems are still on-going but I guess it is quite normal for every family to have their own set of problems. These problems can either drive the family closer or apart depending on how we decide to solve them. FOr me, I jz want to try to think positive and what is worrying me most is about my father's condition which has affected his work. Because of the rather long period of time where his eyes just worsened overnight, he is no longer placed in the permanent position of which he had held on for two years. At first, I had tried to talk him out of quitting his job one day when that vision worsened suddenly. I know that he doesnt not have the heart to quit just yet even though his salary doesn't affect the house payments or utility bills. But whatever income he makes keep the family going. Like as much as I would rather want him to be able to see and work almost everyday like the last time, I can't ignore the fact that he isn't in his best of health nowadays. Even though he had undergone an operation for one of his eyes which did improve his vision and his diabetes and high blood pressure are under control, his health can't be the same like the last time. I do wish things will be back to normal but if they are not, I have to prepare for the worst. For now, at the very least, I should be thankful that he still have a job even though, he can only cover those who can't attend work which isn't everyday. However, as to how frequent he has to cover, depends on his call to his supervisor tmw. Let's hope that his supervisor will still take him in for work. I really really hope so. I don't wish for him to lose his job.
As on my part, I am trying to think positively and do what I can financially to ease the family's burden. While people may be complaining about how tiring this job is getting and how the management is getting way too strict, I can only thank my lucky star that I still have a paying job to keep the family going. I have tried to increase my savings each month which have to involve sacrifices like having lesser money to spend on. Initially, I was determined to save up for my education next year. But now, I feel like maybe I have to postpone my education again because the money that I am trying to save for the fees may well go to the family should anything happen. My brother is still in primary school and he is still in a position where he is clueless in regards to family problems. But I don't want to add on burden to him as he has his own problems of trying to cope with school. The only advice I can offer him is that he must know how to spend his money wisely and save whenever he can and also, life doesn't equate luxury so once in awhile, he can indulge in it but not that often.
So now, starting from today, I have to change my lifestyle a bit. Sure, like I've said before, just because of the problems we are facing, we must deprive ourselves of our own happiness. I like buying new clothes but the only thing is that I have to learn to cut down spending unnecessary money. Like what I told my friend, we only have one life and no matter what, we have to keep going. We don't have to feel guilty if we indulge in moments of happiness like drinking coffee with our friends or buying that superb top. No one has the right to determine our course of life but if in life, if we are facing difficulties, we have to learn to accept the facts and see how best we can relief the situations. I doubt anyone wants to be in sadness or in turmoil for a long time.
Yesterday, I watched the first episode of this new series about Mothers. The series aim to depict the struggles some mums had to go through for the sake of the family and children. Already the first episode touched me tremendously as I saw her determination to give her severely disabled child, who cannot even walk and talk, a quality of life. Anyone else would have a different point of view. She does not even give up on her child and calling him a 'vegetable' will indeed be cruel. He is incapable of moving any of his limbs and is totally dependent on others to move him around. He can only express how he feels through his eye movements and not being able to do anything, he gets bored easily and sleep for long periods of time. His condition also makes him twice his average weight as he cannot move around like any ten year old kids. He is surviving on a respiratory system which hooks him up on wires. Maintaining this machine isn't easy and the costs are rather steep. Any other parents, who may not be able to see their child suffer no more, may choose to take the wires off so he can be 'free'. But she is different. She believes that one day, her child will be normal and she makes sure she sees through it. You're talking about a highly educated malay woman who often isn't the norm especially in the malay society. She used to hold a high flying job as an architect, yet again a male dominated area, and earned big bucks from it. She even had dreams of further pursuing her studies to the point of holding a phD.
But the condition of her son that gets extremely difficult as time goes by forces her to be a stay home mum cutting short her dreams and aspirations. Not once did she ever cry throughout the interview and she spoke so well and was highly articulate, you would think that it is such a great pity knowing that this woman made such a huge sacrifice. She has accepted her fate so well that she doesn't feel the need to cry anymore. The only things that matter to her now is that one day, her son is able to call her mummy and for her to take care of herself so that she is well enough to look after her son. I kept thinking about why won't she jz let him go? Seeing his state of helplessness is torturous enough and I don't know if it is worth all her time taking care of a boy who cannot be left on his own in case the system breaks down and he is unable to breathe. Only she has the answer which she holds on to for the past ten years. Everyday is the same as anything can happen but she makes sure she doesn't let him out of her sight.
And the most touching thing of all...her family and especially her husband is behind her all the way. She does feel that she is missing out so much in life after studying so hard over the years and seeing her ex school mates doing very well in life. But not once, she has given up on her son even in a state very very unlikely he will grow up to be independent.
These are real life examples that we can fall back behind especially for me, whenever I think that I am missing out so much in life. But I hope that God knows that I only have good intentions for my family and I know he is watching out for me and easing any burden or obstacles that I may face. I hope my dad will be better after his next operation end of the month and I hope he is able to keep his job. Right now, my priority is to take good care of myself and be less stress-free as well because stress can put unnecessary pressure on my health. I have been through worse times than this like the unforgettable time when my water and electricity bills were almost cut off. No one could help us..even the ones who were always flaunting their wealth and suddenly when we needed help for a couple of hundreds, suddenly they had a thousand excuses. In the end, someone who isn't even blood related lent a helping hand. I learnt not to judge from her and my mum and me even went as far as helping the very same people who turned our desperate pleas down when they needed our help.
SOmetimes, what goes around comes around and if we do good, hopefully our life will be more smooth sailing ahead and problems are easily overcomed and resolved. This is not the first time I am facing with a hardship and throughout my blog, I have written about the problems that either me or my family faced and so far, we came out strong each time. The last being my father's last operation which gave him back a better vision on his left eye than before. It was nerve wrecking on that day trying to pull myself together as I had never done this before..settling his hospital admission and any necessary paperwork alone. But the next time, I try not to decide alone and ask for a second opinion. I guess at times, we think that no one can offer us a helping hand but u'll never know. Like I said, we're not alone.
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