Gawd Im So Sensitive
Hey...man I've gotta stop being obssessed with taking pics of myself! I mean..hey..a little bit of self-praising can do wonders for ur personality and boost ur self confidence..but..............if it means putting them up on friendster, personal blog, on the ofc table, shoving them to ur team member's face numerous times..and taking pic of myself with her own handphone and putting it up as its wallpaper..this has GOTTA stop..heh...although the last bit was so darn cool.
But u know what..I guess it takes guts..LOTSA of it..to finallie come to terms with the way you looked now compared to before and how much you dont want to look like that anymore. And the hardest thing? Maintaining that look. You just feel like u went for a dry clean onlie to be tumbled dry lateR which makes a perfectly toussled hair...freakin messy. Eurgh...and I dont want to be putting on cakes and cakes of make up on my face like an extra skin that doesnt match my actual skin tone at all....so u know wat? Everyday, I am portraying my natural looks..no foundation..no concealers...my new pimple scars..or those pimples about to be formed...in all its glory. But of coz, a sticky oily face is still a no-no and what is the gadget for that? Always blot it with a..er...blotting paper with some light powder for a matte look. If the hair is suddenly 'blown' away by some unexpected wind, just toussle it back lah..but do it..with style..haha..
I guess Im kinda overwhelmed a bit by the looks I got from u know...guys.....not coz I wore the most sheer blouse or what..or the shortest mini skirt..but I guess, I dunno....I find it strange though. It's like..i'll be thinking..hey..u're good looking..u shouldnt even be looking my way...I am not even wearing make up..and im fat....and it's so so...WronG..I wanted to say that maybe im just imagining things but if it happens again and again..and again, somehow, I dont think Im imagining. But at the same time also, I also feel that while one part of me would like to embrace this so-called new image of mine...another part of me is not ready to face the world filled with good looking guys who are suddenly looking in my directions. It felt like..all this time, I had been pushed aside coz I got bigger and bigger...and I look more and more beyond my age..that when I happened to glance at them, it felt like the biggest mistake to do that. I thought that they noticed but turned away like as if saying..eh what is this fat girl looking at me for? It's so much like I dont know where I stand.
It was quite saddening for me as I felt like I got no sense of attractiveness and the more I looked at my pics...the more disgusted I felt. I wanted to do something about it but circumstances would pull me back. But I still went forth and slowly make the changes. And now that I am winning the battles in a slow but steady manner, I found the sudden attention to me..a bit overwhelming. Now I know how my friend felt....I dunno man...Im so bloody confused.
And yeah..I do want people to see me as 'sexy' or 'hot' in my own defining ways..simply coz it'd be exciting especially if happens to be the real deal. I know I haven’t reach that stage yet lah but at the same time, I do not want my case to be of one where people are always trying to comfort me jz coz all this while, I have been 'dateless' or they think that I lack self confidence. True, not many people can totally embrace in being themselves without some form of insecurities or what. But I tell ya...I don't need people to always assure me that hey..Im 'unique' or 'sweet' or 'lovable' or 'kind hearted'..blah blah blah....but do tell me things as it is..dont have to fabricate stuffs about me jz coz they think that me being fat or bigger than the rest of the friends...mean that I have a bloody low self esteem.
Frankly speaking, I can take care of myself. I am not the type who feels so down and out coz no one ever expresses interest in me or the last time I dated was like...like..well...ok i never dated before. But dont shower pity on me. Sure, I complain about me being fat but I believe it has nothing to do with my poor love life or what. Sure I complain about me not being on 'par' with other average guys coz of my size. But it's just a phase that I am sure most girls experience like they always feel tat they're not good enough and they want to do something about it. Some may be complacent and continue to be as what they am but continue to complain. But im not that type. Slowly i pick myself up and see where I have gone wrong and wat I can do to change my life and people's perceptions about me. But pple dont have to stroke my ego or what..coz I dont need to be taken for a ride.
I may be nice or sweet to people..but that's just me. it has nothing to do with my waist size or how chubby I am. LIke as if i have to be extra nice or extra jovial to prove to people that just because I am of this size, I have to work harder at making people sit up and take notice of me. Or make those qualities of mine as the basis of comfort for people as assurance to me that no matter what, I am 'unique' or 'special'. I am unique already coz there's no one quite like me so way way before people start telling me that...I already know.
I know it sounds rather crude lah the way im expressing this like I am not appreciative of whatever nice comments people have about me. I know too that they meant no harm. But really...take me as I am..dont try so hard to cover up my flaws so I will onlie look at my strengths. Then how am I supposed to learn? How am I supposed to improve myself? Tell me stuffs like hey...u know what? I think u should try to speak up a bit so people know that u got interesting things to say..not like...ure a sweet gal..I am sure people appreciate u for that already. It's so tiring hearing people trying to cover up for me. I am not gonna cry. I just have to accept facts lah. So what? It's not the end of the world for me. Just do something to improve about them lah!
Like my friend said just now yeah..I do look like I lost weight but maybe can work out on the butt a bit more lah. See? And also she taught a yoga move that can help to reduce waist size a bit. It's like..be honest..dont over do it with saccharine sweet words..
Well...I guess I seriously need to change people's perceptions of me. I still will continue to be the person I am but with an 'edge'. Sure, it's rather overwhelming to have people turn to look my way especially if they have seen me before but never quite paid attention until they slowly start to see the differences. I suppose I am trying to accept my renewed self slowly but surely so it's quite a rocky start. Dont worry..I am not mad at anyone. Everyone has something to say.....but when it's time to tell as it is.....dont have to cover up for me anymore. Let me learn to deal with the truth slowly. It may hurt me sometimes...but it is effective in the long run as there would definitely be improvements.
But u know what..I guess it takes guts..LOTSA of it..to finallie come to terms with the way you looked now compared to before and how much you dont want to look like that anymore. And the hardest thing? Maintaining that look. You just feel like u went for a dry clean onlie to be tumbled dry lateR which makes a perfectly toussled hair...freakin messy. Eurgh...and I dont want to be putting on cakes and cakes of make up on my face like an extra skin that doesnt match my actual skin tone at all....so u know wat? Everyday, I am portraying my natural looks..no foundation..no concealers...my new pimple scars..or those pimples about to be formed...in all its glory. But of coz, a sticky oily face is still a no-no and what is the gadget for that? Always blot it with a..er...blotting paper with some light powder for a matte look. If the hair is suddenly 'blown' away by some unexpected wind, just toussle it back lah..but do it..with style..haha..
I guess Im kinda overwhelmed a bit by the looks I got from u know...guys.....not coz I wore the most sheer blouse or what..or the shortest mini skirt..but I guess, I dunno....I find it strange though. It's like..i'll be thinking..hey..u're good looking..u shouldnt even be looking my way...I am not even wearing make up..and im fat....and it's so so...WronG..I wanted to say that maybe im just imagining things but if it happens again and again..and again, somehow, I dont think Im imagining. But at the same time also, I also feel that while one part of me would like to embrace this so-called new image of mine...another part of me is not ready to face the world filled with good looking guys who are suddenly looking in my directions. It felt like..all this time, I had been pushed aside coz I got bigger and bigger...and I look more and more beyond my age..that when I happened to glance at them, it felt like the biggest mistake to do that. I thought that they noticed but turned away like as if saying..eh what is this fat girl looking at me for? It's so much like I dont know where I stand.
It was quite saddening for me as I felt like I got no sense of attractiveness and the more I looked at my pics...the more disgusted I felt. I wanted to do something about it but circumstances would pull me back. But I still went forth and slowly make the changes. And now that I am winning the battles in a slow but steady manner, I found the sudden attention to me..a bit overwhelming. Now I know how my friend felt....I dunno man...Im so bloody confused.
And yeah..I do want people to see me as 'sexy' or 'hot' in my own defining ways..simply coz it'd be exciting especially if happens to be the real deal. I know I haven’t reach that stage yet lah but at the same time, I do not want my case to be of one where people are always trying to comfort me jz coz all this while, I have been 'dateless' or they think that I lack self confidence. True, not many people can totally embrace in being themselves without some form of insecurities or what. But I tell ya...I don't need people to always assure me that hey..Im 'unique' or 'sweet' or 'lovable' or 'kind hearted'..blah blah blah....but do tell me things as it is..dont have to fabricate stuffs about me jz coz they think that me being fat or bigger than the rest of the friends...mean that I have a bloody low self esteem.
Frankly speaking, I can take care of myself. I am not the type who feels so down and out coz no one ever expresses interest in me or the last time I dated was like...like..well...ok i never dated before. But dont shower pity on me. Sure, I complain about me being fat but I believe it has nothing to do with my poor love life or what. Sure I complain about me not being on 'par' with other average guys coz of my size. But it's just a phase that I am sure most girls experience like they always feel tat they're not good enough and they want to do something about it. Some may be complacent and continue to be as what they am but continue to complain. But im not that type. Slowly i pick myself up and see where I have gone wrong and wat I can do to change my life and people's perceptions about me. But pple dont have to stroke my ego or what..coz I dont need to be taken for a ride.
I may be nice or sweet to people..but that's just me. it has nothing to do with my waist size or how chubby I am. LIke as if i have to be extra nice or extra jovial to prove to people that just because I am of this size, I have to work harder at making people sit up and take notice of me. Or make those qualities of mine as the basis of comfort for people as assurance to me that no matter what, I am 'unique' or 'special'. I am unique already coz there's no one quite like me so way way before people start telling me that...I already know.
I know it sounds rather crude lah the way im expressing this like I am not appreciative of whatever nice comments people have about me. I know too that they meant no harm. But really...take me as I am..dont try so hard to cover up my flaws so I will onlie look at my strengths. Then how am I supposed to learn? How am I supposed to improve myself? Tell me stuffs like hey...u know what? I think u should try to speak up a bit so people know that u got interesting things to say..not like...ure a sweet gal..I am sure people appreciate u for that already. It's so tiring hearing people trying to cover up for me. I am not gonna cry. I just have to accept facts lah. So what? It's not the end of the world for me. Just do something to improve about them lah!
Like my friend said just now yeah..I do look like I lost weight but maybe can work out on the butt a bit more lah. See? And also she taught a yoga move that can help to reduce waist size a bit. It's like..be honest..dont over do it with saccharine sweet words..
Well...I guess I seriously need to change people's perceptions of me. I still will continue to be the person I am but with an 'edge'. Sure, it's rather overwhelming to have people turn to look my way especially if they have seen me before but never quite paid attention until they slowly start to see the differences. I suppose I am trying to accept my renewed self slowly but surely so it's quite a rocky start. Dont worry..I am not mad at anyone. Everyone has something to say.....but when it's time to tell as it is.....dont have to cover up for me anymore. Let me learn to deal with the truth slowly. It may hurt me sometimes...but it is effective in the long run as there would definitely be improvements.
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