Confidence
I really admire those girls with great self confidence who go past their insecurities and trudge on without a care about what people think. Especially...those big girls coz I am one big and fugly girl...and if onlie I can have their huge confidence so that it can help me carry myself well enough. I tell ya it's not easy being surrounded by girls of average size and there I am standing tall among them like a torn. Coz I am a whole lotta bigger than them....and in other words, I feel so 'giant'. Eurgh..hate that...and just as I felt confident after carefully choosing the clothes that I would wear..that would be SO me...someone just had to spoil my mood by choosing to be a whole lot nicer than me even though it's just a tank top that they're wearing...or that they're wearing something understated but they ooze self confidence like no other business.
It sometimes make me feel that no matter what I wear..no matter how good I felt when I first wore that nice top, when I tend to self compare myself to them.....I wish I had not worn that even though there is completely nothing wrong with what I wear. Just that I start to feel funnie as I start to pinpoint on my flabs...my big arms..my giant thighs..those things. I can't help but to always compare even though it's not a nice thing to do especially if it's gonna put me down. Still, I can't help but be in such a foul mood like I wish my diet thing has been going at a whole lot faster rate so that I look just as slim as them. Man, sometimes I regret being born in this family of 'big bones' and that I am quite angry at my mum for feeding me non stop when I was a child. Also, on myself too for not watching over what I eat coz I have no self control and I just what I wanna eat. When I started to gain and gain and then hit a midpoint where I felt like I was not twice..but THRICE my friends, that I realised that I am having a problem.
Would you believe that I have been suffering this lack of self confidence for the longest time? I love taking photos but it's such a pain to see whenever i take photos, I have to really make an effort so that the extra chin would not show. Although I dont really have to do that nowadays since my face has been less chubby after the 11kg weight los...somehow I lost my baby fat..bwahahaha! Now my favourite pose is the side glance and would naturally go into that mode since I never felt that I got cheekbones all this while..and suddenly, wham! I can do that alreadi. Last time I used to stare straight at the camera and would try to give this awkward smiles and head tilts so that I don't look like I got chubby cheeks. BUt it always turned out NOT the way I wanted. Okay, the cheekbones are still quite invisible lah but hey..it's taking shape and now I am digressing..hold on..okay..
So what do I have? I know I am not supposed to put myself down but based on the conversations I have with my friends....they also have their hung-ups which should actually make me feel better as I never felt more 'normal'. But their kind of hung-ups are opposite to what they actually are. Like calling themselves fat when they're skinny or hunkalicious...calling themselves ugly when they have chiselled cheeks...Gawd, I feel so useless. I admire people like Queen Latifah who despite her size, she's just full of life and she doesn't care about the skinny hollywood people...but hey, do you even see her in meaty roles nowadays? I don't know if that puts her down like How I put myself down...but whatever it is, if she does but she doesn't show it, I still admire her for that.
Then like I said, I wish I could lose weight faster and even contemplated on eating those commercially produced diet pills. Actuallie I did before prior to my birthday coz I felt so desperate in wanting to lose weight fast but guess what? I gained weight faster than I could ever imagine. Yeah..who am I kidding..on wanting to look like zoe tay? for all you know....she ate that pill and never touched food for the rest of the day..haiz..
So okay...long way long way lah...onlie thing is that I have to tell myself constantly that at the very least I am putting in efforts to lose weight. It's not an easy thing to do..and my heart goes out to the girl in the drama who is actually bigger than me and when she is pressurized into losing weight, it is so hard for her. For me, I am actually used to it already seeing my family eating delicious food that I used to dig in with them. BUt nowadays, I can just eat one curry puff while they have mi soto, nasi lemak malay cakes..just for breakfast itself. Then again, it is those first steps that are always the hardest.
But you know what? I still admire her coz she dresses well..she accessorizes well...that I actually often get pass seeing her as 'fat' or 'big' since she carries herself well. I Can imagine in real life she's like that too coz she does it so naturally on tv even though the eating times seemed exaggerated. As you know they don't call it a drama for nothing..and man what's with that cutie who fell for her in the first meeting?!!! WHY CANT I GET THAT TOO?! haha...sometimes tv can be a bit too much also..
ANyway, yeah every week I admire her and all other big girls who really dress themselves well...and also carry themselves well that put me to shame even though, most times they're bigger than me or even their friends but they are not being pushed to the side coz of their size. Their friends obviously see the other bigger picture which is their personality coz I know a girl or two like that...and yeah..like I said, I have nothing but admiration for them. I just feel good talking to them coz they can be funnie too and they don't quite care about what others have to say. It's like 'so what if im fat?'
Still, I dont want to be fat no more and sighz..even though it's less than a year sinceI went on this diet thing..i just wish i could lose a whole lot faster. Not coz I wanna buy nicer clothes...just that I want my self confidence..right here right now! So I don't put myself down any longer..no way!
It sometimes make me feel that no matter what I wear..no matter how good I felt when I first wore that nice top, when I tend to self compare myself to them.....I wish I had not worn that even though there is completely nothing wrong with what I wear. Just that I start to feel funnie as I start to pinpoint on my flabs...my big arms..my giant thighs..those things. I can't help but to always compare even though it's not a nice thing to do especially if it's gonna put me down. Still, I can't help but be in such a foul mood like I wish my diet thing has been going at a whole lot faster rate so that I look just as slim as them. Man, sometimes I regret being born in this family of 'big bones' and that I am quite angry at my mum for feeding me non stop when I was a child. Also, on myself too for not watching over what I eat coz I have no self control and I just what I wanna eat. When I started to gain and gain and then hit a midpoint where I felt like I was not twice..but THRICE my friends, that I realised that I am having a problem.
Would you believe that I have been suffering this lack of self confidence for the longest time? I love taking photos but it's such a pain to see whenever i take photos, I have to really make an effort so that the extra chin would not show. Although I dont really have to do that nowadays since my face has been less chubby after the 11kg weight los...somehow I lost my baby fat..bwahahaha! Now my favourite pose is the side glance and would naturally go into that mode since I never felt that I got cheekbones all this while..and suddenly, wham! I can do that alreadi. Last time I used to stare straight at the camera and would try to give this awkward smiles and head tilts so that I don't look like I got chubby cheeks. BUt it always turned out NOT the way I wanted. Okay, the cheekbones are still quite invisible lah but hey..it's taking shape and now I am digressing..hold on..okay..
So what do I have? I know I am not supposed to put myself down but based on the conversations I have with my friends....they also have their hung-ups which should actually make me feel better as I never felt more 'normal'. But their kind of hung-ups are opposite to what they actually are. Like calling themselves fat when they're skinny or hunkalicious...calling themselves ugly when they have chiselled cheeks...Gawd, I feel so useless. I admire people like Queen Latifah who despite her size, she's just full of life and she doesn't care about the skinny hollywood people...but hey, do you even see her in meaty roles nowadays? I don't know if that puts her down like How I put myself down...but whatever it is, if she does but she doesn't show it, I still admire her for that.
Then like I said, I wish I could lose weight faster and even contemplated on eating those commercially produced diet pills. Actuallie I did before prior to my birthday coz I felt so desperate in wanting to lose weight fast but guess what? I gained weight faster than I could ever imagine. Yeah..who am I kidding..on wanting to look like zoe tay? for all you know....she ate that pill and never touched food for the rest of the day..haiz..
So okay...long way long way lah...onlie thing is that I have to tell myself constantly that at the very least I am putting in efforts to lose weight. It's not an easy thing to do..and my heart goes out to the girl in the drama who is actually bigger than me and when she is pressurized into losing weight, it is so hard for her. For me, I am actually used to it already seeing my family eating delicious food that I used to dig in with them. BUt nowadays, I can just eat one curry puff while they have mi soto, nasi lemak malay cakes..just for breakfast itself. Then again, it is those first steps that are always the hardest.
But you know what? I still admire her coz she dresses well..she accessorizes well...that I actually often get pass seeing her as 'fat' or 'big' since she carries herself well. I Can imagine in real life she's like that too coz she does it so naturally on tv even though the eating times seemed exaggerated. As you know they don't call it a drama for nothing..and man what's with that cutie who fell for her in the first meeting?!!! WHY CANT I GET THAT TOO?! haha...sometimes tv can be a bit too much also..
ANyway, yeah every week I admire her and all other big girls who really dress themselves well...and also carry themselves well that put me to shame even though, most times they're bigger than me or even their friends but they are not being pushed to the side coz of their size. Their friends obviously see the other bigger picture which is their personality coz I know a girl or two like that...and yeah..like I said, I have nothing but admiration for them. I just feel good talking to them coz they can be funnie too and they don't quite care about what others have to say. It's like 'so what if im fat?'
Still, I dont want to be fat no more and sighz..even though it's less than a year sinceI went on this diet thing..i just wish i could lose a whole lot faster. Not coz I wanna buy nicer clothes...just that I want my self confidence..right here right now! So I don't put myself down any longer..no way!
Comments