Am I Smart Enough?

I've never seen myself as smart. I think I'm getting by life pretty okay, learning and growing at the same time. I see how people converse, how they make smart opinionated remarks, though hurtful remarks are not withstanding, and I'm like..ugh..I'm so not like them. 

Before I make a self-declaration that I'm stupid or something, I think I would term myself as street smart. I only hit the books when I have to, I'm not studious like that where the whiff of books cause them to be in a dizzy spells as their brain expands taking in the new knowledge. I have been in school for 3 days a week for the last one and a half months. I went through two ICA, or Individual Continuous Assessment, and how I managed to past one of them, is by studying in the wee hours. In fact, how I managed to scrape through and passed all three major A level papers and the sub papers, was by pulling my socks, in other words, putting as much hours as I could, in the day and at night, after failing miserably in the prelims paper.

So you see, I'm not book smart. I can't even categorise myself as street smart, like how I described myself earlier, because if you throw me out in the foreign streets, and telling me how to get from one place to another, I will probably not survive.

Maybe.

But one thing I DO realize is that when push comes to shove, I would really shove. Sometimes I wish I am back in the old childhood days where I don't have to make big decisions but everybody grows up. Yes, sometimes people don't, but yah, that's their prerogative. Doesn't mean you're older in age, your maturity level is of the same par as well. I've made major decisions before, those that involve life and death, and I had no one to rely on for opinions. I only think about what is best and if this is the best route to be taken.

I've made decisions on my career choice. I would have been in my past job for another 5 years but I thought enough was enough. I just could not afford to have much of my income spent on travelling from one place to another, with the company paying less than $100 of reimbursement for travel.

About me being a lone traveller, I guess I would have survived. If I was in the company of travel savvy friends, of course they would make better decision makers. But if I am alone,  out of a sudden like if I got separated from them, I would automatically go into the survival mode. 

Right now, in the course that I am in, again I feel like they are smarter than me. When I got my paper back for the first ICA, I didn't do so bad, considering I only started studying 4am-ish in the morning but seeing at how my answers were being marked, I felt like I could have done better. It's something which I strive to improve by putting in more hours because it's going to get more and more difficult. I realized they don't call it diploma for nothing.  I also think they're smarter, not because of how they do for the test, but simply how they talk to one another, like I just don't know how to join in. There are times I do join in, but I talk to them in a style I know best. 

It's good to know most of them are not judgmental and they are simply happy to talk to me, about the course and how difficult the excel formulas are and we share our difficulties in grasping the concepts. I may not be able to talk as well as them, I know I can at least 'fake' it by talking about what matters to us most, about our course like what topic to talk about or yes, how annoying some excel formulas can be. It's also good to be up-to-date with current issues so I don't appear ignorant about what's going on around the world or locally.

I don't want to belittle myself by thinking I'm not as smart as them. There are things that I do or decisions that I make that make me grow personally. Like I never thought I will be able to be able to be invested in my online shop to make extra income, signing up for a diploma course knowing how difficult it is for me to study (I take a long time to process what I read & learn), be promoted at work, and financing my housing loan. Yes, it's still a steep learning curve for me and I do make mistakes along the way, just like most people.

So am I smart enough? I don't care if some people think I'm not smart enough, or better still, not as smart as them. I am a unique individual and my thoughts are unique as well. I may not talk as well as them but I am smart enough to talk in the style I know best; with sincerity that comes from the heart.


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