Sick
Happy national day!!...
Eve of national day, and I fell ill. I would have continued lying in my bed...getting up every now and then to go to the loo and continue to slip in and out of unconsciousness just like yesterday, but I chose to do otherwise. I mean..going to the loo is still an essential...but I don't want to remain 'sick'. I don't know exactly what I was having..or IS having..coz every now and then my stomach will feel like it is being wringed dry like a wet towel or someone is doing an emergency pumping of my stomach. *ow ow ow...* Okay, so Im not completely well yet but for me, I dont like to be overtaken by my illness coz I hate being sick. I know that everybody will be saying the same thing unless of course, their flu or fever can grant them an mc from a dreaded event at work, for example. Hrm, Im quite tempted by that idea though..to go to a doctor pronto and escape a day in the office tmw..muahahaha!!!
Oh well...rahayu is just rahayu. Im just too 'nice'....okay, you can call me a pushover or someone who doesn't say that much or who never seem to get angry. People always assume me to be the opposite of who I am....based on the several opportunities they have chatting with me..but not one of those deep conversations. But I don't really care. Nobody has the right first impressions. However, overtime, they will realise that they find comfort chatting with me..pouring their hearts and soul to me over some matters that they have kept pretty much to themselves. For me, I've been brought up in a family who doesn't exactly see to my daily needs like making sure I have enough food on the table or enough pocket money. My mother's treatment over my brother is far different from the days of my childhood. If you ask me how my childhood was like, I couldn't remember that much except on how I was often scolded or beaten up by my mum over matters not necessarily of my fault. When I see how my mum merely scolds my brother for a few minutes and never moving her hands and then seeing how quickly she changes her bad temper to a loving mum, I would be rather envious but not to a big extent. I am a young woman now. You can say that my beliefs and my personal thoughts have been shaped largely from what I have learnt on my own either through my eyes or through my logical thinking.
One of the life lessons I have learnt from my early days of teenhood is to always hear from two sides of the parties and not be 'hinged' on just one of them. The thing is, no one likes to amplify their negativity or their faults. It will be easier to focus on the other person's faults and then gain sympathy points. Of course, human nature will always make you to believe initially on how selfish the other person and then to me, I'll find myself going 'how can she do this to you?' or 'I don't think she is being fair to you' even though I was not there to witness the whole event taking place or the words exchanged between the two of them.
But then, over time, somehow rather I will get to hear the other side of the story as if I am some sort of a middle person who is bound to be at the receiving ends for them..haha..Then, yesterday, I actually heard so much from my supervisor about how she felt she has not been treated fairly by the subordinates (basically, my colleagues) just because she didn't give the answers that they wanted to hear. Of course by then, I would have heard so much from my other colleagues who wouldn't stop at nothing to bash her with nasty words when she, as a supervisor, tried to point out their mistakes. At first, I thought she was being rigid (ok, I still think she is) but being in a higher position, there is so much she can do as, compared to us, she is still bounded by people even higher than her. If you ask me frankly, before I heard her pouring out her inner thoughts to me, as much as I thought she should be a bit less rigid, I didn't think that it is nice of my colleagues to jump easily into conclusions and then go into a defensive mode and scold her upside down. It is almost like a reversal of role where the subordinate is of a higher position than the supervisor.
Seriously speaking, my colleagues now....they're so different from when I first knew them. I...am rather appalled of their quick reactions to, say, a message on the handphone. And the thing is, they get angry if someone chose to find an alternative way of speaking up to them instead of facing up to them but they themselves couldn't bring themselves to go up to them and say it as it is. I would encourage them to just talk to them in private and settle the matter but they would say that they were just too angry after what she said.
What the hell man. What the hell is wrong with people nowadays. You know, deep in my heart, I just feel like banging their heads together and telling them to wake up. Just wake up and smell reality. Stop acting like a child. Start acting their age and whatever. Even my parents, who are at loggerheads with each other at times, will tell me things about each other and of course, they don't realise, as an individual, they're not exactly perfect either. Did I choose to also amplify their bad characteristics to them? No. I am not in a position to do so either. Did I point out to my colleagues on how they should stop reacting brashly over something simple like a text message that can mean a thousand things but not the actual meaning itself? No either. Maybe I do have the right as a friend or colleague to make them realise their mistakes and hopefully, start treating others with respect. But sometimes, it is not because they don't realise. I am sure they are big enough to make their own decisions. Sure, we're not perfect and along the way, we make mistakes too. Even I make mistakes that I sometimes deny or start pinpointing at others...err...like the infamous accusation of how damn freakin' late a bus is when I am already running late for work due to own improper management of time. Oh, that's it. We're victims of self denial. Maybe this whole misunderstanding can clear up easily when one chooses to admit his or her fault in their heart and trying to find the middle point somewhere to resolve the problem.
For example, okay maybe my supervisor should have been more tactful in dealing with a tricky situation in which she is in the rightful position to scold but how does she get that across without offending the other party? My colleague? I think she should recall the time when my supervisor did say, in a casual and non offending manner, on how short her report was. Her initial reaction? Asking her to do what she likes coz she's going home already and saying goodbye and giggling before shutting the door on the way out. The next day, maybe thinking her position as a supervisor had been ridiculed, conveyed through text message to that colleague that she gave such a slipshot work as if expecting her to do everything from the start. Then start a series of unhappiness over each other one incident after another almost like they were attacking each other personally where individually, they broke down.
Gosh..grow up people. I seriously will not side anyone but think of it this way. Showing our rebelliousness and then expecting things to go our way and not any other way is not being fair to anyone. We want it and you should conform to it. If you're not willing to accept our own flaws, how do you expect people to start treating you with respect when you're always in denial and not willing to compromise? I would be a loggerhead too...actually...I do want to be absolutely stubborn and if I say I want, it means I want...and I don't care whether you allow it or not. I just would go ahead with it whether you like it or not. You think that is a sign of maturity? I can't say im THAT matured yet either coz the truth is, I am not. I haven't reached a point where people treat me seriously, to hear me out and respect my opinions and their excuse? I am too soft and I give in to people easily..geez...The thing is, are people 'open' enough to hear what others have to say without easily jumping to conclusions, saying things in anger and telling them as they are and then regret later of their actions? Geez..again. And if I speak my mind when 'provoked' to just say it out, like what exactly I am thinking, are they 'open' enough to accept their flaws and more importantly, hear what I have to say and accept them as they are? More often, people don't. I've gone through this so many times that Im pretty 'numbed' by it.
For me, in the end, I find myself conforming to what they have to say or ask me to do coz in a way, I don't want to be seen as a 'bad' friend who can't be there for them in times of needs. I don't feel comfortable going to certain places and even when I did show signs of discomfort or I would say that I don't feel like going there, do they hear me out? Again, not quite. So in the end, I would tag along with me fighting my own personal battle in my head like I shouldn't be here but because of them, here i am. Then there are times, I have to 'fight' with my mum for a chance to go out with a friend or group of friends as I don't want to upset them by keep on turning them down. Then, there also times when I had to go through this mad rush of getting things done for my family before rushing out again to meet my friend of which I am also at risk of being reprimanded by my lateness.
Sometimes, yes I do feel that people's misjudgment of me can bring about my downfall if they choose to believe what they think about me based on a few 'loose' conversations with me. The very people who cannot accept 'no' for an answer or refuse to hear what the other person has to say, are the very people who are not being open enough to accept the facts while they blatantly say that Im 'too sensitive' or I can't stand up for myself. At times, I feel like telling them like hey, you don't even treat me with respect leaving me with an abundance of work with a list of instructions and then also leaving me to answer for a certain mistake while I stood up for them, and they can complain people dont understand their needs. I have one thing to say: what the f**k.
So me..choosing to keep quiet is not because I am dumb or stupid and so I can't answer for myself. It is just that I don't bother. As long as people can't accept the truths as they are, judging from how they perceive others to be or how they try to spread negative remarks about certain individuals, I don't bother about them. Like come on, lay off those people please. I know not everyone is an 'angel' or that they haven't exactly got in their good books, but I am sure for all the negative things you have to say about him or her, surely there are some nice things to say also. How would you feel when not in your presence, so much things that have been said about you and they are not exactly 'nice things' but infront of you, they don't quite show their discomfort about working with you and try to put up with your antics. Would you compare it to almost being backstabbed? And here they are, making a big fuss about a certain someone not telling it to their face but sending a text message to get her point across.
So the world, like I say countless of times too, is not fair and and square to everyone. Sometimes I also think why I have to be 'bigger' than an average girl and seems to take forever before reaching my ideal weight? I remembered being depressed for not losing fast enough at one point of time that even at a weight loss of almost ten kg, which is quite a mean feat for me, I felt like I was losing out in the battle. And you know what? I actually lost more kilograms due to my sheer determination to bring it down even lower but I lost so much nutrients also that my skin and hair was suffering?
I would say that we should stop being so mean to others and ourselves. SOmetimes, some things have a way of finding their way out like maybe, what we say about a certain someone behind their back, can be relayed back to them and in the end, misunderstandings occur. I am not trying to suggest that I am all goody too shoes and all but the thing is, im sick of hearing bad things about other people that I wonder what people have been saying about me when infront of me, they're all toothy grin and nice to me. Oh, and I am also sick of telling myself that I am still not satisfied with my progress whenever I start comparing myself to others who are slimmer than me or have smaller thighs than me. How can I start improving on my well being when I can't even accept the benefits that I have been gaining from months of watching what I eat and exercising practically more than once each week?
So I am not in a good position to give advise to people as I am also trying hard to face up to the truths in my own personal lives. But I believe that once you begin to accept the cold hard facts, whether they are good or bad, it can actually clear up the hurdles in our life journey as we learn to get over them and move on instead. No point holding on to our anger and frustrations if they are only going to bring about our downfall. Okay, from what I see, no one seems to care if at this point of time, I am suffering from a bad stomach ache and fever especially more so yesterday. When they are sick, I ask them if they are better but they don't ask me in return when it's my turn to get sick. It will be like 'oh...' and that's it but still, I am not complaining. Even my mum keeps blaming it on me not eating well when it was just a matter of eating the wrong food and saying let it be coz I am deserve it and might as well die so I dont have to suffer anymore. Is this how a mum should be saying to her sick daughter? Did I kick a big fuss out of it? No. Just say what she wants to say..it's her mouth anyway. If I have continued to give in to my illness, I wouldn't go out taking bus and then mrt to get for my brother food and accompany my dad to eat kaya toast and buying for her a cold dessert and also buying some stuffs from the shop downstairs. And guess what? I am still not fully recovered yet. Even as I am typing this out, I do suffer from bouts of stomach pains every now and then but I can only bear the pain alone. Just like how I bear the sweeping thoughts people have on me without truly knowing me.
Eve of national day, and I fell ill. I would have continued lying in my bed...getting up every now and then to go to the loo and continue to slip in and out of unconsciousness just like yesterday, but I chose to do otherwise. I mean..going to the loo is still an essential...but I don't want to remain 'sick'. I don't know exactly what I was having..or IS having..coz every now and then my stomach will feel like it is being wringed dry like a wet towel or someone is doing an emergency pumping of my stomach. *ow ow ow...* Okay, so Im not completely well yet but for me, I dont like to be overtaken by my illness coz I hate being sick. I know that everybody will be saying the same thing unless of course, their flu or fever can grant them an mc from a dreaded event at work, for example. Hrm, Im quite tempted by that idea though..to go to a doctor pronto and escape a day in the office tmw..muahahaha!!!
Oh well...rahayu is just rahayu. Im just too 'nice'....okay, you can call me a pushover or someone who doesn't say that much or who never seem to get angry. People always assume me to be the opposite of who I am....based on the several opportunities they have chatting with me..but not one of those deep conversations. But I don't really care. Nobody has the right first impressions. However, overtime, they will realise that they find comfort chatting with me..pouring their hearts and soul to me over some matters that they have kept pretty much to themselves. For me, I've been brought up in a family who doesn't exactly see to my daily needs like making sure I have enough food on the table or enough pocket money. My mother's treatment over my brother is far different from the days of my childhood. If you ask me how my childhood was like, I couldn't remember that much except on how I was often scolded or beaten up by my mum over matters not necessarily of my fault. When I see how my mum merely scolds my brother for a few minutes and never moving her hands and then seeing how quickly she changes her bad temper to a loving mum, I would be rather envious but not to a big extent. I am a young woman now. You can say that my beliefs and my personal thoughts have been shaped largely from what I have learnt on my own either through my eyes or through my logical thinking.
One of the life lessons I have learnt from my early days of teenhood is to always hear from two sides of the parties and not be 'hinged' on just one of them. The thing is, no one likes to amplify their negativity or their faults. It will be easier to focus on the other person's faults and then gain sympathy points. Of course, human nature will always make you to believe initially on how selfish the other person and then to me, I'll find myself going 'how can she do this to you?' or 'I don't think she is being fair to you' even though I was not there to witness the whole event taking place or the words exchanged between the two of them.
But then, over time, somehow rather I will get to hear the other side of the story as if I am some sort of a middle person who is bound to be at the receiving ends for them..haha..Then, yesterday, I actually heard so much from my supervisor about how she felt she has not been treated fairly by the subordinates (basically, my colleagues) just because she didn't give the answers that they wanted to hear. Of course by then, I would have heard so much from my other colleagues who wouldn't stop at nothing to bash her with nasty words when she, as a supervisor, tried to point out their mistakes. At first, I thought she was being rigid (ok, I still think she is) but being in a higher position, there is so much she can do as, compared to us, she is still bounded by people even higher than her. If you ask me frankly, before I heard her pouring out her inner thoughts to me, as much as I thought she should be a bit less rigid, I didn't think that it is nice of my colleagues to jump easily into conclusions and then go into a defensive mode and scold her upside down. It is almost like a reversal of role where the subordinate is of a higher position than the supervisor.
Seriously speaking, my colleagues now....they're so different from when I first knew them. I...am rather appalled of their quick reactions to, say, a message on the handphone. And the thing is, they get angry if someone chose to find an alternative way of speaking up to them instead of facing up to them but they themselves couldn't bring themselves to go up to them and say it as it is. I would encourage them to just talk to them in private and settle the matter but they would say that they were just too angry after what she said.
What the hell man. What the hell is wrong with people nowadays. You know, deep in my heart, I just feel like banging their heads together and telling them to wake up. Just wake up and smell reality. Stop acting like a child. Start acting their age and whatever. Even my parents, who are at loggerheads with each other at times, will tell me things about each other and of course, they don't realise, as an individual, they're not exactly perfect either. Did I choose to also amplify their bad characteristics to them? No. I am not in a position to do so either. Did I point out to my colleagues on how they should stop reacting brashly over something simple like a text message that can mean a thousand things but not the actual meaning itself? No either. Maybe I do have the right as a friend or colleague to make them realise their mistakes and hopefully, start treating others with respect. But sometimes, it is not because they don't realise. I am sure they are big enough to make their own decisions. Sure, we're not perfect and along the way, we make mistakes too. Even I make mistakes that I sometimes deny or start pinpointing at others...err...like the infamous accusation of how damn freakin' late a bus is when I am already running late for work due to own improper management of time. Oh, that's it. We're victims of self denial. Maybe this whole misunderstanding can clear up easily when one chooses to admit his or her fault in their heart and trying to find the middle point somewhere to resolve the problem.
For example, okay maybe my supervisor should have been more tactful in dealing with a tricky situation in which she is in the rightful position to scold but how does she get that across without offending the other party? My colleague? I think she should recall the time when my supervisor did say, in a casual and non offending manner, on how short her report was. Her initial reaction? Asking her to do what she likes coz she's going home already and saying goodbye and giggling before shutting the door on the way out. The next day, maybe thinking her position as a supervisor had been ridiculed, conveyed through text message to that colleague that she gave such a slipshot work as if expecting her to do everything from the start. Then start a series of unhappiness over each other one incident after another almost like they were attacking each other personally where individually, they broke down.
Gosh..grow up people. I seriously will not side anyone but think of it this way. Showing our rebelliousness and then expecting things to go our way and not any other way is not being fair to anyone. We want it and you should conform to it. If you're not willing to accept our own flaws, how do you expect people to start treating you with respect when you're always in denial and not willing to compromise? I would be a loggerhead too...actually...I do want to be absolutely stubborn and if I say I want, it means I want...and I don't care whether you allow it or not. I just would go ahead with it whether you like it or not. You think that is a sign of maturity? I can't say im THAT matured yet either coz the truth is, I am not. I haven't reached a point where people treat me seriously, to hear me out and respect my opinions and their excuse? I am too soft and I give in to people easily..geez...The thing is, are people 'open' enough to hear what others have to say without easily jumping to conclusions, saying things in anger and telling them as they are and then regret later of their actions? Geez..again. And if I speak my mind when 'provoked' to just say it out, like what exactly I am thinking, are they 'open' enough to accept their flaws and more importantly, hear what I have to say and accept them as they are? More often, people don't. I've gone through this so many times that Im pretty 'numbed' by it.
For me, in the end, I find myself conforming to what they have to say or ask me to do coz in a way, I don't want to be seen as a 'bad' friend who can't be there for them in times of needs. I don't feel comfortable going to certain places and even when I did show signs of discomfort or I would say that I don't feel like going there, do they hear me out? Again, not quite. So in the end, I would tag along with me fighting my own personal battle in my head like I shouldn't be here but because of them, here i am. Then there are times, I have to 'fight' with my mum for a chance to go out with a friend or group of friends as I don't want to upset them by keep on turning them down. Then, there also times when I had to go through this mad rush of getting things done for my family before rushing out again to meet my friend of which I am also at risk of being reprimanded by my lateness.
Sometimes, yes I do feel that people's misjudgment of me can bring about my downfall if they choose to believe what they think about me based on a few 'loose' conversations with me. The very people who cannot accept 'no' for an answer or refuse to hear what the other person has to say, are the very people who are not being open enough to accept the facts while they blatantly say that Im 'too sensitive' or I can't stand up for myself. At times, I feel like telling them like hey, you don't even treat me with respect leaving me with an abundance of work with a list of instructions and then also leaving me to answer for a certain mistake while I stood up for them, and they can complain people dont understand their needs. I have one thing to say: what the f**k.
So me..choosing to keep quiet is not because I am dumb or stupid and so I can't answer for myself. It is just that I don't bother. As long as people can't accept the truths as they are, judging from how they perceive others to be or how they try to spread negative remarks about certain individuals, I don't bother about them. Like come on, lay off those people please. I know not everyone is an 'angel' or that they haven't exactly got in their good books, but I am sure for all the negative things you have to say about him or her, surely there are some nice things to say also. How would you feel when not in your presence, so much things that have been said about you and they are not exactly 'nice things' but infront of you, they don't quite show their discomfort about working with you and try to put up with your antics. Would you compare it to almost being backstabbed? And here they are, making a big fuss about a certain someone not telling it to their face but sending a text message to get her point across.
So the world, like I say countless of times too, is not fair and and square to everyone. Sometimes I also think why I have to be 'bigger' than an average girl and seems to take forever before reaching my ideal weight? I remembered being depressed for not losing fast enough at one point of time that even at a weight loss of almost ten kg, which is quite a mean feat for me, I felt like I was losing out in the battle. And you know what? I actually lost more kilograms due to my sheer determination to bring it down even lower but I lost so much nutrients also that my skin and hair was suffering?
I would say that we should stop being so mean to others and ourselves. SOmetimes, some things have a way of finding their way out like maybe, what we say about a certain someone behind their back, can be relayed back to them and in the end, misunderstandings occur. I am not trying to suggest that I am all goody too shoes and all but the thing is, im sick of hearing bad things about other people that I wonder what people have been saying about me when infront of me, they're all toothy grin and nice to me. Oh, and I am also sick of telling myself that I am still not satisfied with my progress whenever I start comparing myself to others who are slimmer than me or have smaller thighs than me. How can I start improving on my well being when I can't even accept the benefits that I have been gaining from months of watching what I eat and exercising practically more than once each week?
So I am not in a good position to give advise to people as I am also trying hard to face up to the truths in my own personal lives. But I believe that once you begin to accept the cold hard facts, whether they are good or bad, it can actually clear up the hurdles in our life journey as we learn to get over them and move on instead. No point holding on to our anger and frustrations if they are only going to bring about our downfall. Okay, from what I see, no one seems to care if at this point of time, I am suffering from a bad stomach ache and fever especially more so yesterday. When they are sick, I ask them if they are better but they don't ask me in return when it's my turn to get sick. It will be like 'oh...' and that's it but still, I am not complaining. Even my mum keeps blaming it on me not eating well when it was just a matter of eating the wrong food and saying let it be coz I am deserve it and might as well die so I dont have to suffer anymore. Is this how a mum should be saying to her sick daughter? Did I kick a big fuss out of it? No. Just say what she wants to say..it's her mouth anyway. If I have continued to give in to my illness, I wouldn't go out taking bus and then mrt to get for my brother food and accompany my dad to eat kaya toast and buying for her a cold dessert and also buying some stuffs from the shop downstairs. And guess what? I am still not fully recovered yet. Even as I am typing this out, I do suffer from bouts of stomach pains every now and then but I can only bear the pain alone. Just like how I bear the sweeping thoughts people have on me without truly knowing me.
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