Black Clouds
Hey!
I haven't been writing for awhile eh? Well, that's me..brain dead as ever. Anyway, things haven't been looking up and everything is so 'stagnified' if there is such a word for it..heh. But you know what? I am gonna live up to my motto, thanks to Jason Mraz, and that is 'Life is Wonderful'. Okay, so if let's say your pet cat died on the same day, you found out that your boyfriend is a jerk, what is so 'wonderful' about it? But think of it this way. Everything is so interconnected. It takes another girl to show your what a jerk your boyfriend is and it takes the death of your pet cat to make you realize how long you have been abandoning it to spend time with your boyfriend. Okay, more on 'touch base' stuffs: who am I kidding? If we all have smiles 'plastered' on our face all the time even when the raging fire threatens to burn our house down in smithereens, we’ll be checked into the nearest mental hospital for 'wat the hell are they smiling for?' syndrome. Like knowing that you have been trying your best to help people like your colleagues and your family even, and the next thing you know, sometimes kindness doesn't beget kindness. Your morality is being questioned here. For me, I don't even know why I bothered. I could just wave my pretty white undies and let people do what they want to do and just leave me alone. I want to be mean to others but past experiences always tell me that being mean will not get you anywhere. How SO not true. When you're mean, it is not because you want to be mean, but you have to..for the sake of survival and standing up for your personal rights.
For a long time, I have been trying to protect my family's savings which we took such great pains to get because of my father's deteriorating health. Also, he is in no position to work anymore because he is so fragile and weak. I am trying to keep this family going even though I refuse to be called as the sole breadwinner because that will give me the extra pressures. But does my family know about this big heavy responsibility I am holding? I am not trying to protect the savings for my own self. Sure, I do use it if I am running low on cash and I still have last minute payments to make such as my handphone bills. I don’t even have a salary that allows me to rent a room and then let me live in peace. No wait…maybe I do but is it in me to abandon my family and let them struggle through bill payments while I only have to worry whether I pay my internet bills on time? Sure, I can be a meanie to them for not being nice to me and failing to see why I am so strict over the family’s savings. People say that once bitten, twice shy….well, I am still shy irregardless of being bitten or not, but my point is, doesn't it always take 'something' to happen before you realize that you should have done what you have to do instead of suffering the consequence of it right now? I am devastated that my mum places immense pressure on me yesterday till I was screaming at the top of my lungs after being questioned repeatedly about how much savings are left. If she needs it, why can't she just be upfront about it without wanting to know every nitty gritty details about it? It is not as if I pay things with stones and leaving the savings untouched. Maybe to her, money is like an endless stream of river but to me, I am more in touch of reality and knows that it won't last forever. What does she know? She only knows how to throw a tantrum and make me yell at her for not being able to stand her constant questioning as if she doesn't trust me. Sometimes, I am appalled. Appalled why people can fail to see the goodness or the kindness in someone else and that not everyone has invisible horns on their heads and glaringly red skin. For once, can people do a rain check?
Call me sensitive or whatever but I do have my low points and wonder at times, why on earth am I doing here? Maybe I don't deserve being here as my presence is constantly threatened by people who only think about themselves and not see how others are trying to help them in ways that they can. I know about how you shouldn't be too calculative like expecting someone to repay you back your kindness. Even if it means not saying a simple 'thank you', you must still continue performing your goodwill to others, because you’ll never know that one day, if you truly need someone's help, it will definitely come your way.
I am also upset that my own mother doesn't see how big a responsibility I am holding right now. Did I ever kick a big fuss how I have to use much of my pay to keep the water and the electricity running? She is upset that my father is no longer earning and then what? I am so freakin' happy about it I wanna let the whole world know too? But this is life. This..is reality. I feel like sleeping and then waking up to know that this is a bad dream and my mother is not as cranky as my dream made her out to be and that my dad is working as usual. But no, this is true hard facts of life. There are moments when you are so high on life and moments when you just want to walk away and pretend nothing happens and be in one huge self denial about it. Just like a criminal who tries to cover up the tracks, one day, justice will catch up.
But I am not about to wait for some 'consequence' to happen to me. I very well know what that consequence will be and I had gone through it and mind you, it is not very nice. For others, maybe it is like 'the lightning never strikes twice in the same place' but no, I won’t sit around to witness if that is ever true or not. I also refuse to acknowledge that my future may even be bleak or I may never achieve my childhood dream of being a teacher. I know not many of us are as lucky as others and unknown to me, my life right now is considered 'lucky' to other people as well. So, in short, I have to learn to be thankful. Maybe, life is wonderful but we fail to see it because it is hidden somewhere behind the cloud of darkness glooming over us.
I do wish that I am transported back to the times when things didn't get me down as they do now. But will I ever want to anyway? Do I ever want to be back to an age where I was practically treated with no self respect even by the teachers who are considered as role model to the students? Do I ever want to go back to the times when I failed miserably in my exams and to repeat my year in school and letting my parents down in the process? Whatever it is, life goes on and we can't just push the pause button because we are afraid to make another step forward. Who knows that as we try to move on, the dark clouds will slowly fade away and it will be a long time before they make their reappearance again.
Maybe it is people's attitude that needs to be changed and not mine. Just like people like my colleagues who rely on others to help them when they need it but be all selfish about it and shut their mouth even when knowing something is amiss. Then when others had to do their side of job, whether or not they like it, and the least bit of appreciation was not even shown but instead, glaring frustration for disturbing their peace. And then, there you are, standing in the middle of nowhere underneath the hot sun when it should be you in their position under the air con instead. Of course, things like this get me so mad and when they realize what an ass they have been, and try to ask or talk to me like nothing happens, I'll be in complete ignorance. Look, it is not under my control to be in your farkin place right now and continue with whatever crap you have left behind. And yes, I farkinly well know that the place is rather nearby but when you are in a neighbourhood and then the map doesn't give reliable information, it doesn't make a big cahoona kind of difference if the place is near or far because you know what? COZ I FARKIN WELL DON'T LIVE HERE!!!
And then when the storm has died down, such people have the cheek to ask me hours after the incident where they were being such moronic idiots, 'how's the school? How's the co-ordinator? Is she nice?' You know what…why do'’t you ask me ten years down the road where my memory about this day has disappeared beyond the horizon and I don't know what the hell you're talking about. Heck, I don't even know who you are as well!
I am not an angel and I don't expect people to be the same as well. Sure sometimes we think we're doing others a favour by pinpointing every single 'mistake' that they make without realizing that we are of no difference as well. Just like a colleague of mine who is frustrated that she is being nitpicked by this very colleague or ex team member of hers, just like how she nitpicks me as well too. I mean, who cares if I wear the translucent plastic bra straps under my boat neck top that slides down a bit at times and then revealing them. Apparently, she did and even touched it (look, it is inappropriate to touch another person’s undergarment even it is made of plastic, k?) and remarked about it and then sharing her opinion about whether she will look just as nice if she wears them as well. OH fark it. She meant it as a sarcasm but here's a pointer to that person. Go look under your radar instead and work on your freakin' attitude instead of just targeting others and being so bothered about their choice of attire. If she wants so much to be a guardian angel, might as well get the application form and sign up for it.
I am not trying to bypass her goodwill by her remarks that to her, may help people like us to dress better or gawd forbids, like her. But at times, it helps to keep the mouth shut yah? Especially when she has no hard evidence over what some other people have really said but relied on word of mouth. And then to me, I find it even harder to accept that she chose to tell everyone about it without realizing that people like me can get hurt in the process by her false statements. Before I know it, people start giving me the dirty looks like I just did the crime of history. I am too tired to go into details but I just hope, that she will protect her 'gift of gab' before angry people like me stuff a potato down her throat.
Oh darn it, and I wanted to write about something else that is more on a positive side and yet, I have to begin this brand new week on a somber note. Well, it is never too late. Meanwhile, as I lay my head down to sleep, here's something to ponder about. Think of every brand new day as a day to start a brand new life. Be thankful that you are able to see the rays of the sun, and if you're like me when the alarm rings waaayy too early, be thankful that you can wake up and see the darn time. In other words, don't stop appreciating life as much as it can get you down at times, because everything is interconnected: with the black clouds, will come a bright sunny day out to put a smile on your face again. Sighz..and where the heck is MY sun now…
I haven't been writing for awhile eh? Well, that's me..brain dead as ever. Anyway, things haven't been looking up and everything is so 'stagnified' if there is such a word for it..heh. But you know what? I am gonna live up to my motto, thanks to Jason Mraz, and that is 'Life is Wonderful'. Okay, so if let's say your pet cat died on the same day, you found out that your boyfriend is a jerk, what is so 'wonderful' about it? But think of it this way. Everything is so interconnected. It takes another girl to show your what a jerk your boyfriend is and it takes the death of your pet cat to make you realize how long you have been abandoning it to spend time with your boyfriend. Okay, more on 'touch base' stuffs: who am I kidding? If we all have smiles 'plastered' on our face all the time even when the raging fire threatens to burn our house down in smithereens, we’ll be checked into the nearest mental hospital for 'wat the hell are they smiling for?' syndrome. Like knowing that you have been trying your best to help people like your colleagues and your family even, and the next thing you know, sometimes kindness doesn't beget kindness. Your morality is being questioned here. For me, I don't even know why I bothered. I could just wave my pretty white undies and let people do what they want to do and just leave me alone. I want to be mean to others but past experiences always tell me that being mean will not get you anywhere. How SO not true. When you're mean, it is not because you want to be mean, but you have to..for the sake of survival and standing up for your personal rights.
For a long time, I have been trying to protect my family's savings which we took such great pains to get because of my father's deteriorating health. Also, he is in no position to work anymore because he is so fragile and weak. I am trying to keep this family going even though I refuse to be called as the sole breadwinner because that will give me the extra pressures. But does my family know about this big heavy responsibility I am holding? I am not trying to protect the savings for my own self. Sure, I do use it if I am running low on cash and I still have last minute payments to make such as my handphone bills. I don’t even have a salary that allows me to rent a room and then let me live in peace. No wait…maybe I do but is it in me to abandon my family and let them struggle through bill payments while I only have to worry whether I pay my internet bills on time? Sure, I can be a meanie to them for not being nice to me and failing to see why I am so strict over the family’s savings. People say that once bitten, twice shy….well, I am still shy irregardless of being bitten or not, but my point is, doesn't it always take 'something' to happen before you realize that you should have done what you have to do instead of suffering the consequence of it right now? I am devastated that my mum places immense pressure on me yesterday till I was screaming at the top of my lungs after being questioned repeatedly about how much savings are left. If she needs it, why can't she just be upfront about it without wanting to know every nitty gritty details about it? It is not as if I pay things with stones and leaving the savings untouched. Maybe to her, money is like an endless stream of river but to me, I am more in touch of reality and knows that it won't last forever. What does she know? She only knows how to throw a tantrum and make me yell at her for not being able to stand her constant questioning as if she doesn't trust me. Sometimes, I am appalled. Appalled why people can fail to see the goodness or the kindness in someone else and that not everyone has invisible horns on their heads and glaringly red skin. For once, can people do a rain check?
Call me sensitive or whatever but I do have my low points and wonder at times, why on earth am I doing here? Maybe I don't deserve being here as my presence is constantly threatened by people who only think about themselves and not see how others are trying to help them in ways that they can. I know about how you shouldn't be too calculative like expecting someone to repay you back your kindness. Even if it means not saying a simple 'thank you', you must still continue performing your goodwill to others, because you’ll never know that one day, if you truly need someone's help, it will definitely come your way.
I am also upset that my own mother doesn't see how big a responsibility I am holding right now. Did I ever kick a big fuss how I have to use much of my pay to keep the water and the electricity running? She is upset that my father is no longer earning and then what? I am so freakin' happy about it I wanna let the whole world know too? But this is life. This..is reality. I feel like sleeping and then waking up to know that this is a bad dream and my mother is not as cranky as my dream made her out to be and that my dad is working as usual. But no, this is true hard facts of life. There are moments when you are so high on life and moments when you just want to walk away and pretend nothing happens and be in one huge self denial about it. Just like a criminal who tries to cover up the tracks, one day, justice will catch up.
But I am not about to wait for some 'consequence' to happen to me. I very well know what that consequence will be and I had gone through it and mind you, it is not very nice. For others, maybe it is like 'the lightning never strikes twice in the same place' but no, I won’t sit around to witness if that is ever true or not. I also refuse to acknowledge that my future may even be bleak or I may never achieve my childhood dream of being a teacher. I know not many of us are as lucky as others and unknown to me, my life right now is considered 'lucky' to other people as well. So, in short, I have to learn to be thankful. Maybe, life is wonderful but we fail to see it because it is hidden somewhere behind the cloud of darkness glooming over us.
I do wish that I am transported back to the times when things didn't get me down as they do now. But will I ever want to anyway? Do I ever want to be back to an age where I was practically treated with no self respect even by the teachers who are considered as role model to the students? Do I ever want to go back to the times when I failed miserably in my exams and to repeat my year in school and letting my parents down in the process? Whatever it is, life goes on and we can't just push the pause button because we are afraid to make another step forward. Who knows that as we try to move on, the dark clouds will slowly fade away and it will be a long time before they make their reappearance again.
Maybe it is people's attitude that needs to be changed and not mine. Just like people like my colleagues who rely on others to help them when they need it but be all selfish about it and shut their mouth even when knowing something is amiss. Then when others had to do their side of job, whether or not they like it, and the least bit of appreciation was not even shown but instead, glaring frustration for disturbing their peace. And then, there you are, standing in the middle of nowhere underneath the hot sun when it should be you in their position under the air con instead. Of course, things like this get me so mad and when they realize what an ass they have been, and try to ask or talk to me like nothing happens, I'll be in complete ignorance. Look, it is not under my control to be in your farkin place right now and continue with whatever crap you have left behind. And yes, I farkinly well know that the place is rather nearby but when you are in a neighbourhood and then the map doesn't give reliable information, it doesn't make a big cahoona kind of difference if the place is near or far because you know what? COZ I FARKIN WELL DON'T LIVE HERE!!!
And then when the storm has died down, such people have the cheek to ask me hours after the incident where they were being such moronic idiots, 'how's the school? How's the co-ordinator? Is she nice?' You know what…why do'’t you ask me ten years down the road where my memory about this day has disappeared beyond the horizon and I don't know what the hell you're talking about. Heck, I don't even know who you are as well!
I am not an angel and I don't expect people to be the same as well. Sure sometimes we think we're doing others a favour by pinpointing every single 'mistake' that they make without realizing that we are of no difference as well. Just like a colleague of mine who is frustrated that she is being nitpicked by this very colleague or ex team member of hers, just like how she nitpicks me as well too. I mean, who cares if I wear the translucent plastic bra straps under my boat neck top that slides down a bit at times and then revealing them. Apparently, she did and even touched it (look, it is inappropriate to touch another person’s undergarment even it is made of plastic, k?) and remarked about it and then sharing her opinion about whether she will look just as nice if she wears them as well. OH fark it. She meant it as a sarcasm but here's a pointer to that person. Go look under your radar instead and work on your freakin' attitude instead of just targeting others and being so bothered about their choice of attire. If she wants so much to be a guardian angel, might as well get the application form and sign up for it.
I am not trying to bypass her goodwill by her remarks that to her, may help people like us to dress better or gawd forbids, like her. But at times, it helps to keep the mouth shut yah? Especially when she has no hard evidence over what some other people have really said but relied on word of mouth. And then to me, I find it even harder to accept that she chose to tell everyone about it without realizing that people like me can get hurt in the process by her false statements. Before I know it, people start giving me the dirty looks like I just did the crime of history. I am too tired to go into details but I just hope, that she will protect her 'gift of gab' before angry people like me stuff a potato down her throat.
Oh darn it, and I wanted to write about something else that is more on a positive side and yet, I have to begin this brand new week on a somber note. Well, it is never too late. Meanwhile, as I lay my head down to sleep, here's something to ponder about. Think of every brand new day as a day to start a brand new life. Be thankful that you are able to see the rays of the sun, and if you're like me when the alarm rings waaayy too early, be thankful that you can wake up and see the darn time. In other words, don't stop appreciating life as much as it can get you down at times, because everything is interconnected: with the black clouds, will come a bright sunny day out to put a smile on your face again. Sighz..and where the heck is MY sun now…
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