Ramblings

oSick...little Miss Rahayu is officially down with flu, a bit of cough and slight fever though the last one was only getting to me till I bathe. Somehow, bathing always make me feel refreshed and for awhile I dont feel as 'sickly' as I did less than half an hour ago. That's how I always manage to get to work and have not resorted to taking a single medical certificate yet coz by then, I would think that Im a tad bit better for work. Even on days when Im not working, I would be like a dying beached whale on my mattress but I would try to pull myself together and get my butt down to the bathroom. I didn't want to feel all 'sickly' and it was a habit which I kinda developed when I moved to this house and in the beginning, I was often sick. I didn't know if it had anything to do with the 'supernatural' or I was just trying to adapt to an entirely new environment. I had never been so sick before almost every week and it was a really bad sick...sick. Then, I realised that I didn't want to be in such a pathetic state anymore and decided to make it a point to bathe. Usually I didn't before this coz u know how when you are sick, your senses are heightened that you will feel extra cold or extra hot...something like that. Oh, and certainly the cold or hot temperature of the water may be a bit of an overdrive and if not careful, can make you swear off bathing even when you're well enough.


Initially, it didn't work as I was back to the damn ol' pathetic state the minute I put on the clothes. However with practice, I actually got over it and soon, bathing served as a temporary solution. Temporary coz mid day onwards, I will slowly start recoiling back to the early symptoms of my illness like my nose will start to be blocked, my throat starts to get itchier and my butt tighter....from all the sneezing. My current flu doesn't come with a big bang but with just a slight sore throat which was barely an issue with myself as I hate sore throats. I have tonsilities...if that's how u spell it..where I have these two giant fleshy balls blocking the sides of the opening of my throat. If you have tonsilities, you will fall ill rather frequently which will eventually lead to surgery to remove them if you get sick often. That happened to me back in primary school but after a minor threat from the doc, that I might need to go for an ops, somehow that day was the last day I had the worst throat infection of my life. From then on, my tonsils do swell up occasionally and get all reddish of which my throat will feel like a small frog is blocking the passageway. However, I did manage to put up with it and feed the frog..hehe...no I meant..just basically try to get my way around it like for example, drinking water in a manner that doesnt make the 'roughness' of my throat worse..


Kinda like how it applies in real life also. If you can beat 'em, well..just try to make life a bit easier around them. Never knew my swollen tonsils can actually give meaning to life. Oh, besides..giving me a 'mumbled' voice coz I can't project my voice out clearly due to the blocked opening of my throat. That does get on people's nerves as they try to make out what I am trying to say and then I get a tad bit irritated as often, they will 'switch off' when they can't understand me. Still, I love my 'meatballs'...my affectionate name given to them as they have been with me through thick and thin although they are often the main cause as to why I get sick such as the current flu that I am havin.


Anyway, I don't know if me falling ill has something to do with my absence at the gym and putting little thoughts to what I eat ever since hitting the 2okg weight loss mark. I was rather disappointed coz as much as that is an achievement, I have not reached the weight I have originally targetted...yet. Infact, I was gaining bit by bit and before I knew it, it was a full 1 kg and that may not seem such a big deal but if for someone who is determined to keep it down, it is a piece of info that is rather hard to swallow. But still, I persevered...try to watch my food intake carefully because I try to keep the balance of 'energy in=energy out"..hee..learnt that from McDonald's. Due to my tight schedule last week and err..my one day of complacency where I forgot to bring my gym attire for that one freakin day back to office for the entire week. And I try to walk as much as I can and I owe it to meeting with friends..hee..and the ability to juggle between home and personal affairs involving mad rushes from home to cold storage..home to food centre...library to mrt..u get the drift. Trying to cut down on snacks help too and I try to beat the crave for old chang kee stuffs and that chilli tapioca chips.



Unfortunately, due to one mistake of eating fish and chips with the chilli sauce...I must add..a very oily fish and chips...when I was out with my colleagues for lunch...and that turned into a very upset stomach. Oil and vinegar...shouldn't be mixed when your stomach is being trained to keep away from unhealthy food choices. So the stomach pain is gone and is replaced by flu and a bit of cough as the side effects. However, as mighty proud as I am, I did one round of gym two days ago...aaahh......the sweat...the mirror...the treadmill....the cross trainer....the obvious lack of cute guys....but an old foggie....I was back in momentum. Even though I could squeeze in only one day of gym session the entire week due to my last minute cancellation few days back coz I can't be exercising with my back hunched low due to the tummy ache and nauseousness. However, I was crazy enough to still go...but managed to pull back and tried my mighty best to walk all the way to the mrt, to be standing in the mrt, taking the feeder bus back home and eventually laying down the mattress to an evening of slumber. In between, I was fighting hard not to faint and you see, this is called being 'normal'.


Okay, what is so normal about me wanting to faint? No, not fainting....the ability to assess when is too much is just plain old too much. You see, some people cant tell if they are overdoing on something. Coz I did read an article previously and also in the latest CLEO magazine edition about a disorder where you tend to overdo something until it becomes an unhealthy obssession. Even exercising way too frequently is considered a psychological disorder. It simply means that your mind is so clouded by an extreme pressure to 'keep up' with the society standards, for example, to be slim and gorgeous, it can alter someone's mindset. Say...exercising is one way to keep the weight down low and the figure trimmed especially for a girl and therefore, it is taken to the extreme when their brain is trained to accept exercising as the only way to conform to the society's ideal figure.


Right..that sounds so complicated. Anyway, to simplify things.....Daisy had always been plump but not overly plump but no matter what, she is always being asked to lose the extra pounds so she can look prettier and slimmer just like her sister who gets phone numbers of the male species by the truckload. So she turns to exercising and dieting but the frequency of 3 times per week of exercising does not seem to make much changes as she continued to be taunted in school. So she increased the frequency to everyday and in each day, she will do two sessions in the gym and at night, she will stay up a few hours to do some crunches and push ups. Then she will skip dinner and spend that time to run round the block before going to a night gym to carry on with her gym session. Her diet? She tries to cut down a lot as she aims to achieve the proportions of the models in the magazines and even experimenting with anorexia and bullemia to further reduce her food intake.


Sad right? Sometimes, when I think about how I am still not happy that I have not reached the coveted hour glass figure..with a few more inches off my waist to give it more definition...oh..and how my thighs are still big in proportions compared to the rest of the girl ..it's rather sad too. I forgot how I used to be nonchalant about what people have to say about me...and how it would hit me initially on how big my shoulders were compared to my peers. But then I would get over it quickly as I kept postponing my plan to lose the fab while I engaged in eating and eating up to a few times each day with chocolate pieces in between and fried snacks too. However, a sudden realisation..and a stupid dream where the weighing machine broke down right after I stepped on it and it hologrammed my weight to the entire cohort of people. Though, there were no reactions from the people as well as the nurse who took my weight, it did symbolise one thing: people keeping quiet about my obvious weight gain over the years knowing how sensitive I can be over matters.


It was only after countless of praises from people when they see me now that it set me thinking another thing: was I THAT big? Was I THAT unpretty? In between the praises, where they thought that it was okay to say how darn big or fat I was last time and even gesturing with their hands, actually I was still hurt. No matter what..me then and now is still the same including feeling-wise. I know they meant no harm but why now? Why can't they tell me the darn freakin' truth the last time instead of keeping mum about it and now it's flooding my brain about how shallow people used to think me as. Maybe I am just thinking too much but if people at that realised that I was having a problem, why didn't they just speak up and they can help me at it. Anyway, at least two of them...very mildly....to go with them and see the doctor together regarding our weight problem. And one of them, who is still working with me, we motivate each other in our mission to be healthier. We are not doing for the boys...we are not doing it to be accepted by the society.....we are doing it for ourselves. So, I would say that if you have the right mindset about something, like for example, not overdoing yourself especially when exercising such as stopping when out of breath, it also helps to keep us mentally healthy also because an unhealthy obssession is not the way to go. It is something like being depressed over a comment made, and to beat that, one may eat more and more and more to prove to whoever she is trying to prove, that she is not afraid. By eating more and more, is that going to help in any way? She is just doing more harm to herself.


So for all the girls who are like me and who have been ridiculed by the so-called 'normal' people...for being fat or plump, stay strong girls. It is not easy to go through life when people are making fun of us and then denying us of opportunities because of our size. They are shallow people who only think one way that they think big people don't deserve the opportunities which rightfully belong to everyone but they only reserve it for the slim people. They think that the taunting do not hurt us like as if we deserve them as we're big. Dont let ridiculous comments get you down. And what is this notion that big people are dumb or stupid that they have to holler at us a few times while exclaiming 'no size! no size!' as they looked at us with those piercing eyes of theirs as if we don't understand what they are saying.


Even recently, when there was only one size of a skirt that looked like only a petite girl can fit in, I was rummaging through for some luck of finding the right size. Then the salesperson..a young auntie-like woman..but nevertheless still a farking bitch.....retorted loudly to me saying 'no size! no size!' when I was gazing down and then I saw her from the side bending down to catch my eyes and waving to me saying 'hello?? I say no size!' What the fark man...Im not farking deaf! I heard you the first time u farking bitch...Gawd..of coz things like this make me so darn upset coz of the insensitivity of these people. I think the human resource departments of Seiyu and Metro are on a budget roll lah..maybe hiring such pigs like these help them to save money by giving lesser salaries and in return, they ridicule people like us as if to vent their frustrations. Gawd damn bitches...


Maybe such incidents are not too frequent for me as I don't always look around in fashion departments. When I observed how rude some salespeople can be when they gave those gazes to big girls like me who were merely browsing through, it's as if they're thinking out loud these girls are wasting their time, it hurts me. Don't treat us like we are some kind of aliens...we still have our human rights. There is absolutely nothing wrong in wanting to look through your clothing racks whether or not they fit us. If you are so scared that we'll break the seams or tear some holes, then you're better off selling drinks or something where chances of us doing that are almost zero.


K, so whatever with them. Anyway, yesterday, I had this huge bad hair day thing going on as I didn't have time to thoroughly clean my hair after the gym session the other day even though I did wash my hair. Somehow, it felt icky to the touch and it didn't help that the weather was so darn hot and the school I went to for a field visit...their environment was rather humid too coz the fan wasn't working as well. So I had no choice but to tie up my hair which is a habit which I dislike especially when I am outside coz it will make my face 'rounder'. However, this so-called habit continued even when I went out with my friend of which prior to that, in the train, I just had to tie my hair up again as it just didn't feel right. I didn't want to tie it up also coz it can be a habit which I will get so used to it that in order to get rid of that habit, I have to cut my precious hair..no!!!! Not at tis time..Im jz not ready yet.


But u know what? Tying up my hair in a pony tail also reminded me of the time when I used to have long hair when I was in upper primary school where it used to be a 'swish' of hair left to right. However, entering into secondary school, it became a chore as I had to plait my hair since it was too long to just leave it at a 'swish' by just tying up like a ponytail. How long was my hair? Haiz..right up to the waist. Ever since then I had maintained either a short crop or a shoulder lengthed hair like I am sporting right now.


Say...wanna see something? I happened to have a picture of me taken in Secondary two during a sentosa trip but this one was taken at the then World Trade Centre which is Harbourfront now. It was more than ten years ago...can you believe how time flies? And did you ever wonder when you were younger, how you would look like ten years from now? When I was in my early teens, I used to wonder too. I used to dream how slim I would be..how pretty I would be...but sadly, not an inch of it came true..bwahahahaha!!! Anyway, whether you're fat or thin, surely there are one or many body parts that we have come to love or facial features...and for me, I like my shoulders. I used to admire my shoulders last time a whole damn lot but of coz, they jz had to be so big going down my teen years and till my early adult years too. However, I am beginning to like my shoulders all over again...tee hee...after months of gruelling sessions on the cross trainer..haiz...the things I do.


See me then and now! Any difference? Oh, one more thing...I already have the butt when fourteen years old..hehe...see that thing sticking out in the pic? haha..



1995 and 2006.....a decade of comparison (ps. the little smudge on my pink blouse? oh that's my flu...*whistling...*....)











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