Regret
you know sometimes we go through life in regret...that we felt like we should have done something about it instead of nothing..and then suffer in silence. Okay...I am not gonna say much about it but we're all just humans..even the most powerful..the most influential people on earth..make mistakes. And what's worse..what if we die not knowing what could have happened if we just asked..or say what we wanted to say....and make things right, for once.
like I don't know if he ever felt the same way as I do..or if it's just a figment of my imagination. but i wished that I could have met him again instead of having search for him through scours of people on the streets, in the shopping centres..in trains..simply everywhere. If I didn't try to search for him, I'll unconsciously keep a lookout for anyone who closely resembles him....but if your heart has caught on to one, often it's hard to find someone who quite compare to him because in your heart, no one else can be like him. So you wish...that you meet him again.
when i change my image, lose a few kg here and there...buy clothes to make up different looks...wear make up to make myself prettier, I sometimes think what if he sees me this way or that way. Then whenever people compliments me, sometimes I also wish it was him instead who had complimented me. I hope he sees me now and then compare me to the time when he first saw me and make a comparison like how much I have improved..how much attracted he is to me. I still think that I am shrouded by my own self denial which had kept me in the dark..away from anyone's eyes because I felt that I just wasn't good enough for anybody. I haven't quite mature yet...I haven't got anything good to say about myself like how I go about in my daily life....I have nothing that can stir interest in anyone over the things that I like to do. It's like every other thing that I have been doing has been so redundant or so common that I doubt anybody would have any interest in it coz what I do is as boring as a piece of rock.
I know it sounds hugely like a case of lack of self confidence. But, I dunno.......sometimes I try not to get it into my head but I can't help thinking about this whole thing. One part of me has changed for my own self but another part of me..I feel..has changed coz I don't want to repeat the mistake that I did. At times, I tell myself that if God allows, He will let me see him again one more time, even if at that point of time, he has forgotten my existence. I don't care if he's married...has a girlfriend or what..I just want to take another look at him...I just don't want to go about searching fruitlessly for the One who has captured my heart. I know that maybe this is just one of my failed attempt at making something out of my dormant love life but if it isn't love that I am feeling....perhaps all i want is just companionship. I guess all these make me sound like some sick puppy..but at least, it helps to clear some unresolved feelings that I have repressed in myself.
I don't want to tell anyone coz I dont want people to ask me to pursue this one sided admiration...( I doubt it's love anyway...). Or I guess people are just more interested to tell me about themselves than to hear about me..which has always been the case. How I just wish people for once, can stop and listen to me and instead of me having to always listen to what they want to say. It hurts sometimes coz it makes me feel like I'm just a wallflower but nevertheless, I am still their friend...and as a friend, I do what I can even if my own problems..no one want to listen or they label me quickly as being 'immature'.
Whatever it is....I dont want to think about the past anymore..I just want to move on....if we're fated to meet one more time, then let it be. If not, then I'd say..perhaps, it just wasnt meant to be. I am not looking for love..but i just want to be friends even if it's the last thing ever..and this I say from the bottom of my heart.
like I don't know if he ever felt the same way as I do..or if it's just a figment of my imagination. but i wished that I could have met him again instead of having search for him through scours of people on the streets, in the shopping centres..in trains..simply everywhere. If I didn't try to search for him, I'll unconsciously keep a lookout for anyone who closely resembles him....but if your heart has caught on to one, often it's hard to find someone who quite compare to him because in your heart, no one else can be like him. So you wish...that you meet him again.
when i change my image, lose a few kg here and there...buy clothes to make up different looks...wear make up to make myself prettier, I sometimes think what if he sees me this way or that way. Then whenever people compliments me, sometimes I also wish it was him instead who had complimented me. I hope he sees me now and then compare me to the time when he first saw me and make a comparison like how much I have improved..how much attracted he is to me. I still think that I am shrouded by my own self denial which had kept me in the dark..away from anyone's eyes because I felt that I just wasn't good enough for anybody. I haven't quite mature yet...I haven't got anything good to say about myself like how I go about in my daily life....I have nothing that can stir interest in anyone over the things that I like to do. It's like every other thing that I have been doing has been so redundant or so common that I doubt anybody would have any interest in it coz what I do is as boring as a piece of rock.
I know it sounds hugely like a case of lack of self confidence. But, I dunno.......sometimes I try not to get it into my head but I can't help thinking about this whole thing. One part of me has changed for my own self but another part of me..I feel..has changed coz I don't want to repeat the mistake that I did. At times, I tell myself that if God allows, He will let me see him again one more time, even if at that point of time, he has forgotten my existence. I don't care if he's married...has a girlfriend or what..I just want to take another look at him...I just don't want to go about searching fruitlessly for the One who has captured my heart. I know that maybe this is just one of my failed attempt at making something out of my dormant love life but if it isn't love that I am feeling....perhaps all i want is just companionship. I guess all these make me sound like some sick puppy..but at least, it helps to clear some unresolved feelings that I have repressed in myself.
I don't want to tell anyone coz I dont want people to ask me to pursue this one sided admiration...( I doubt it's love anyway...). Or I guess people are just more interested to tell me about themselves than to hear about me..which has always been the case. How I just wish people for once, can stop and listen to me and instead of me having to always listen to what they want to say. It hurts sometimes coz it makes me feel like I'm just a wallflower but nevertheless, I am still their friend...and as a friend, I do what I can even if my own problems..no one want to listen or they label me quickly as being 'immature'.
Whatever it is....I dont want to think about the past anymore..I just want to move on....if we're fated to meet one more time, then let it be. If not, then I'd say..perhaps, it just wasnt meant to be. I am not looking for love..but i just want to be friends even if it's the last thing ever..and this I say from the bottom of my heart.
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