When I finally thought that I have embraced my own unique beauty, physical flaws and all, I am being hampered again. However, don't worry about me. Everytime I thought of comparing myself to a certain body size, face shape, looks etc of what I perceived as the 'ideal beauty', I told myself to just stop and think of myself as my own unique beauty.
But today, I felt like I wasn't deserving of a friendship that may or may not happen. Straight away, I put myself down like some sack of potatoes, literally.
This guy I've been crushing on at the gym, well today, he looked extra good. Suddenly, I saw his big guns (aka biceps) when he walked past me with me shrieking loudly inside,because his t shirt was rather fit looking. I realized that this guy looked pretty big. I mean he isn't skinny in the first place which I've noticed all along but somehow, I got to see his all muscular body today.
I didn't really care about that but it's just something about him that stands out among the rest of the gym guys. Sure there are others who do stand out as well because it's pretty obvious. He would have looked like the rest of the guys about the same built as him and working out like him too but somehow he stood out in his own way. Heck, I even noticed him on the road on his motorbike, which I didn't know he rode one. See! If you're crushing on someone that bad, it's like there's a halo surrounding him, lol!
The gym was pretty full today so I had no choice but to start on the weights earlier instead of concentrating on mostly cardio exercises first. He was there and yes, it's seriously easy to spot him. Like I said, he got this halo effect. Ok, I got confused a tad bit by someone who dressed up as similar as him and looked a bit like him though he looked more Japanese or Korean. Some more, he shared the same work bench as, let's just call him, Mr Toughie. As I kept staring glances discreetly, I noticed his shirt.
It had the word 'airforce' and then I figured out why he was so concentrated on working his arms but totally not moving and doing repeated movements with some rests in between. He is a freaking God uniformed personnel who had to be fit to protect our country!
Now then it strucked me.
There is NO WAY this guy would want to be friends with an unfit and chubby girl like me. Though I've worked hard in trying to lose weight and recently had some major weight loss (yay!), I'm still nowhere near the other fit girls who work hard at the gym. Now, I work hard at the gym too although until now, I don't run on the treadmill but walked furiously. Still, I work hard and have dedicated my Sunday evening at the gym, without fail, unless I'm sick or fasting.
Look, I don't want to stereotype and for all you know, he's into chubby and pretty girls. Believe me, I've seen girls who are chubbier than me but my God, they dress up so well and are so beautiful. They pride themselves to be plus size and embrace their curves like nobody's business. I do too but mine's mostly fat which I need to get rid of, pronto, haha.
Anyway, he could also be someone who don't give a damn and just want a normal girl whether or not she's into fitness at all as long as she is caring, genuine and sincere. So it's really not up to me to judge.
But look, I'm just a girl. While I do not think I'm damn ugly or damn fat, I always tell myself that I am beautiful in my own ways. Once I think like that, I will make the effort to look good and feel good about myself, not for the sake of others but me. So it's just natural for me to think that well, what can he see in me. Obviously I'm in the gym and sans make up (ok, I cheated with mascara at least) and looked sweaty and gross. My outfit doesn't scream sexy gym gear with my old exercise quarter pants and an old shirt. There is no attractive factor going on here.
Still, I could stand out and I believed he would have noticed my presence along with other people because I'm a regular on Sunday. Plus I'm so dorky looking compared to the other girls, anybody would have noticed me. If he did notice me beyond my dorky looks, then it is something at least. Again, being a girl, I have senses or radar going on when people look at me even though I don't look at them. It's just a skill I hone being someone who has problems making eye contact with people.
But I don't know if it's in a way, he noticed me in that way, if you know what I mean, or just noticed me as in, oh it's that girl again I saw last Sunday. My sixth sense and some calculated thoughts made me judge him as still being single. Available? That I don't know but heck, this man works for the airforce and any sane girl would swoon over men in uniform. And yah again I'm imagining that they would probably date girls who are slim and beautiful, not unfit like yours truly.
Just now, when he had been at the same place working his biceps for dunno how long, I was happily changing from one machine to another, and then left with the last machine for my cardio workout. About 7 minutes into finishing it, suddenly he appeared on the treadmill JUST BESIDE MINE!! There were three others in the other corner that were empty but he had to CHOOSE THE ONE BESIDE MINE!!
I completely thought I stopped breathing for a moment there and suddenly the 7 minutes seemed too short, hahaha!
He was running and I was like oh my gawd, oh my gawd, oh my gawd. He did it for almost 10 minutes and I got down too coz I finished mine. Then on the way to the water cooler, he turned back and he walked past me and I could have sworn he might have looked at me. He ever did glance but this was totally looked. Again, me being the forever shy girl, was too scared to make eye contact and just concentrated on looking pretty, LOL!! I don't know how on earth I did that, don't ask me! hahaha.
He changed to another machine and I thought he might have noticed me walking up and down like some crazy girl. I was going crazy anyway. I was actually done for the day but I wasn't done with glancing at him whenever he was not looking. I told you I was going crazy.
My final thoughts? Well, if he ever plucked up the courage to talk to me, and see me beyond my ugly looking gym outfit, my unglam sweaty face and unfit body, I would be so honoured. I don't want to think too much but I thought it wouldn't hurt to be friends, right? You know, like go dinner or watch the movie, especially with a fit guy from airforce, hahaha!
Gosh, I could simply ROTFL.
But seriously, I will not put myself down because again, I emphasize that I am my own unique beauty. If people can't accept that, it's fine with me. If he doesn't talk to me, it's fine with me too. I am also okay admiring from afar, how committed he is to the workouts without showing off and all on his own. Just make sure you come every week around the same time, okay? Because apparently, I have no life, haha.
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